It's my birthday!

I turned 40 years old today. Where has the time gone? I remember being 12, in 1981, thinking about when I would be 40 in 2009 and it seemed so, so, so far away from then. And yet here it is.

Each year around my birthday I take a little time to think about where I'm going, where I've been, whether I happy and of course I'm doing that this year. In many ways, this year is different than previous years because 40 is different to me. I sort of feel like I'm not young anymore; like the age of youth is past for me, if that makes sense. It's not that I'm old, because I'm not, but I'm no longer young either. I couldn't hang out with 20-year-olds because I wouldn't fit in with their world. I fit more into an older world, now.

At least I've already had to let go of a lot of things associated with being young because of the cancer so I don't have to do that at this point. But still, there's something about the number - 40 - that makes me stop and think harder than usual.

For the record, I am happy with who I am, what I've done, and where I'm going. I've got a pretty good life even though I've got cancer. I'm happy to be me.

Spring window shopping

For the first time in ages, I got to go to Stylesense to look at the shoes and accessories there. Because of the cane, I can't wear the awesome high-heeled shoes I love... so I'm on the lookout for awesome flat-soled shoes that I can fall in love with. I didn't find any today, unfortunately, but I did get a good look at the shoe styles.

There are a lot of very high heels - over 5" - out there. Of course these shoes use platforms, but the heels themselves are quite skinny. There aren't a lot of points of contact with the ground with these shoes. That's not to say that the woman wearing these shoes needs to worry about her feet slipping off of them; oh no. That woman's foot is strapped and laced and buckled in from toe to ankle (and sometimes to shin). No one will mistake these shoes for boots because the strapping and lacing and buckling gives a sort lattice (bondage?) effect. The open skin will also help to keep the woman's foot cool and comfortable while she's tottering around on these heels.

I also went into Fabricland and was, quite frankly, amazed at the gorgeous spring fabrics they had - and this is the one in Kitchener, which doesn't have the selection the others do! I used to have ...er, "borrowed from my sister and never returned" a skirt that I loved - it was made of the softest, prettiest cotton with just a bit of body that I loved. Since then, I've been looking for fabric that felt like that and I found it for the first time today in Fabricland. There were other beautiful cottons and jerseys and drapey fabrics, too. I wish I had a specific project for one of those fabrics... they're so pretty.

Believe it or not, I didn't buy anything today... neither shoes nor fabric. If I'd found the perfect shoe or had a project in mind for some fabric, I would have happily made a purchase... but I didn't want to buy anything just to buy stuff. That's what eBay is for. :)

Movies, movies, movies

We watched Infamous this afternoon; it's the second of two recent movies about Truman Capote and how he wrote the book In Cold Blood, about two men who killed a family of four in Kansas back in 1959 while looking for money. The first movie was award-winning Capote, which we saw some time ago.

This movie was a biopic and included "interviews" with some of his society and other friends, which gave additional insight into Capote's character. This movie was also interesting in that it implied that Capote and the killer he was interviewing developed a very close (possibly sexual) relationship. As an aside, I must say that Daniel Craig did a fine job portraying that killer, and their kiss was awesome :) That man is an awesome  actor. The movie also implied that Capote didn't necessarily quote his sources perfectly accurately, but rehearsed them beforehand in order to get the greatest impact.

These two differences might be closer to the actual truth of what happened during and after the interviews. Not that the exact truth will ever be known, of course, given that these events occurred almost 50 years ago. Still, I'd rather see something more honest and closer to the truth than glossing over it.

We very much enjoyed Infamous and think it stands both on its own and as a companion piece to Capote. Both are worth seeing if you haven't seen them.

This evening we watched the final movie from our Ghost House Underground collection: No Man's Land: Rise of the Reeker. It's apparently a sequel or prequel to Reeker but we didn't feel we missed anything even though we hadn't seen the first moviewhich we hadn't seen but we didn't feel that we missed anything. It was an interesting movie where people wind up in a "time out of time" bubble together with a serial killer who was there to dispatch anyone there. The pacing was a bit slow but the concept of the movie was good. The dialogue and acting were pretty good, too. This movie didn't have too much gore, either, although there were some gory bits. If you like this genre, you'll most likely like this movie.

Friday movie night

We finally got to see Quantum of Solace at a friend's house tonight. As a regular movie, it was ok. There was a lot of action and a reasonably realistic plot. It didn't seem much like a Bond movie, though. He wasn't as gritty as he was in Casino Royale and he definitely didn't get a chance to be as classy as usual. In many ways it felt more like a Bourne movie than a Bond movie, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. The major failing of the movie was that if you hadn't seen Casino Royale, this movie wouldn't make as much sense to you.

I also didn't like the opening sequence or the title song; the images weren't all that interesting and the song was pretty bad. Have you heard the song on the radio? No? That's because it's *that bad*.

All of that aside, if you like action-type movies with chases and subterfuge and whatnot, you might enjoy this movie. It's watchable, but I'm glad I didn't pay full theatre price for it.

BTW, in case you were wondering why I didn't have a blog entry yesterday, it was because yesterday was kind of a write-off for me. I didn't get up until 7pm - yes, 7pm. Now, I didn't get to sleep until quite late Wednesday night, so I wound up with around 16 or 17 hours of sleep, which isn't all that unusual. But getting up at 7pm - that's not normal.

My pattern had been to have about two or three days of waking up at a decent hour and getting stuff done followed by a day of sleeping for 16 or 18 hours or so. Lately, I've been waking up in the early- to mid- afternoon for a couple of days followed by a day of sleeping 16 or 18 hours or so. Who knew a person could sleep sooooo much?

Sparkly things

People who know me know that I'm attracted to bright and sparkly things. I love sequins, shiny fabric, rhinestones, and anything that would shine or sparkle under lights. I'm easily distracted by these things and love to collect them. I have a whole section of fabric that's silver, sparkly, and pretty, as well as sparkly beaded trims, rhinestones, sequins, and beads. It's not like I wear any of this stuff, though. I just collect it. Some have said that it's my Ukranian heritage that has made me like this and others think that I'm just like a crow, catching shiny things for my next.

I have another theory.

Tonight I was watching Benny Ninja on America's Next Top Model and did a little research on him and on the whose House and Ballroom scene in New York. Each House competes in a variety of drag queen competitions (Balls) to win trophies while also providing a kind of home for LGBT people, especially those who haven't got another home. There's quite a huge history on the Houses and their impact on the LGBT community.

Anyways, one article was talking about one person's sewing room, that had feathers and pearls and rhinestones and shiny fabrics everywhere... and that's when I realized it: I must have been a drag queen in a former life. I know I'm not a drag queen *now*, but I think I must have been one before. I can't think of a better explanation for my love of sparkle and theatre and spectacle :)

Finally, a decision

I finally made a decision about what to sew next. I have so many patterns that I've increased my vintage pattern storage boxes to four and I spent quite a bit of time today organizing and putting away all of my vintage patterns. After that I went through each box and picked out the patterns I want to sew. Out of the ones I picked out, this is one I'm going to prepare first:

I'm going to sew the pencil skirt and most likely the long sleeves, unless I don't have enough fabric or decide that I want short sleeves.

Of course I don't want to prepare a pattern without knowing what the final fabric will be. As you know, this is one of the reasons that I've had problems choosing a pattern; I have *so* much fabric that I was having trouble matching the fabric to the pattern.

Fortunately, looking through my fabric stash, I spied a vintage Liberty Jubilee fabric with cream polka dots on a steel-grey ground. This fabric is a 72% cotton, 18% wool twill weave and is *gorgeous*. I rummaged through my remnant pile for the contrast tie and found cream dupioni silk that perfectly matches the dots. I'm so excited; I wanted something I could wear in cooler weather that's neither dressy nor casual and I think I'm going to achieve that with this fabric and pattern combination. I can hardly wait to get started!

Although this dress is being made with a fabric containing wool, I think I'm not going to line it. Instead, I'll make a full-length slip which will protect my skin from the wool as much as a lining and can be re-used. I've got a bunch of light-coloured fabrics that I'll be sewing into summer dresses but they're too sheer to wear on their own. Full slips will help to de-sheerify the dresses and have the additional benefit of helping the dresses stand away from my body, reducing the appearance of my lumps and bumps.

I also started preparing this dress:

Every time I turn around it seems like I'm looking at this pattern. I really do want to make this dress. I think I  want to make it out of a black corduroy with a red cherry design for the dress together with a light green contrast fabric and green buttons for the tabs (and maybe the cuffs and collar).

So why haven't I prepped this dress? Is it because I don't want a waist seam? Or because I don't want the kimono sleeve? Yes. I do have this similar dress pattern:

... and I think I could use that to make the kimono bodice into separate bodice and sleeves, maybe. And I'm pretty sure that I know how to remove the waist seam. But all of that is a lot of work and I don't know if I want to do *that* much work. So we'll see; maybe I won't make all of those changes and sew the pattern as-is... or with shorter sleeves.

Either way, I'm starting work on a dress. Yippee!

To Toronto and back

The Oasis show, one of the bigger bead shows in the area, was on this weekend in Toronto. Originally, I wasn't sure I that was going to go to the show. I don't exactly *need* any beads and I have been spending money on patterns and fabric lately. On the other hand, I do have this bridesmaid order and although I have beads for it, I could use some others. You see, the bride didn't want a lot of sparkle (it's a beach wedding), so I could use some less-sparkly beads.

So I ended up driving to Toronto for the show this afternoon. I did spend a bit more there than I probably should have.... but I *did* spent less at this show than I've spent at any of the previous Oasis shows. That's practically the same as spending practically nothing, right?

Ok, it isn't, but I did get a good selection of beads for the bridesmaids. I got some gorgeous dyed mother-of-pearl that matches the colour scheme and has swirls that echo the ocean. I think they'll work perfectly. I also got some small apatite and moonstone faceted rondelles (like very tiny faceted donuts with small holes) to use as accent beads. Of course I bought some things for me, too :) I did pass up the graduated aqua chalcedony rondelle necklace as I really had no use for rondelles that big. It was so pretty, though.

I figured that since I was already in Toronto, I would stop in at Good for Her (may not be safe for work, especially past the home page). At the risk of TMI, you might remember that I have vaginismus. I've been meaning to go to this store because I thought they might have something that could help. I was right.

The store is awesome. One reason that I went today (aside from the fact that I was in TO; I'm in the greater area occasionally and could have gone another time) is that Sunday afternoons and Thursdays at lunch are designated for women only. I thought I might not feel comfortable going to a store like this if there were men there - especially since I was nervous - and I thought a women-only environment would be better for me.

The store is small but is well-lit and has a lot of product out on the shelves. The staff are very friendly and helpful and are quite knowledgeable about the products they carry. When I went in, they offered me tea or water, which put me at ease and also kind of helped to break the ice. I was comfortable talking to the staff about why I was there and what I needed and I would definitely go back there if I needed something else. I highly recommend this store; if you want or need the kind of product they carry, it's a great place to buy it.

The store also has a lot of different workshops for men, women, and couples. I've looked at those before; some of them look like they might be useful or interesting. They seem to be aimed at all different kinds of people. I think if I was to take a workshop or class like that, I'd take it from there.

A lot of movie-watching

We finally got around to going out and seeing Watchmen . It was better than I thought it was going to be; there were parts that dragged in the graphic novel and could have made the movie feel much slower than it did. Don't get me wrong; the movie is long at almost three hours but it doesn't feel long until the end. I found the movie a bit easier to follow than the novel but I don't know if that would be the case for people who hadn't read the novel.

I thought the first half of the movie was better than the second, not because the story was better but because the cinematography was better. Many of the scenes made extensive use of reflections which added an interesting subtext to the movie.... and then that technique was abandoned. Then again, maybe I just didn't like the last, Antarctica scenes.

Even so, the movie was pretty good; we both enjoyed it and recommend it.

So there's nothing wrong with a good mainstream movie that most people have seen (or at least heard of), but you know that we like movies that are a little more off the beaten track, as it were.

Tonight's less mainstream movie was Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. It's a zombie movie where the source of the zombies is.... wait for it.... mutant chickens!!! Oh, it's something else :) In many ways, the movie is funny in the way that all of those parody-type movies are funny: it's got lots of puns and silly jokes, a little nudity, quite a lot of political incorrectness, and a silly premise. It's a zombie movie! With chickens!

The movie has a lot of blood and lots of gore in a sort of funny, over-the-top, only partly-believable (but still grotesque) way. There's a lot of blood, a lot of vomiting, a lot of disgusting gore, a lot of sex, poo, and fart jokes, and a lot of hilarious dialogue. Oh, and did I mention that there were songs? Yep, there are songs. They're hilarious - and even better, many had interpretive dances to go along with them.

If you don't mind a bit of gore and you like a lot of puns and the idea of half-human, half-chicken zombies - and really, who doesn't? - you'll love this movie. Ok, you might not love it, but you'll laugh at it (when you're not closing your eyes because of the gore, that is).

Pick one

It looks like a sewing pattern explosion happened in my sewing room. I didn't realize how many new patterns I have that hadn't been put away. They're almost all in bags now and they're all over the floor.

I probably would have left them all on the card table but I *still* couldn't decide what to sew. I thought that by organizing and sorting my patterns in the same room as my fabric, I'd be able to figure out what to sew and which fabric to use.

This plan didn't work as well as I'd hoped. I keep picking out these GORGEOUS evening dress patterns that I love so, so, so much... but I don't need evening dresses. They're gorgeous, and one of them will probably wind up being a dress I wear to a summer wedding, but I don't need any of them right now.

No, what I need now are spring day dresses. And I have a ton of patterns for spring day dresses. I have patterns for button-front dresses, princess-seam dresses, plain-front dresses, dresses with raglan sleeves, dresses with kimono sleeves (sleeves all in one with the bodice), short-sleeve dresses, three-quarter-sleeve dresses, dresses with straight skirts, dresses with a-line skirts, dresses with fullness in the back, dresses with pleated skirts, dresses from the thirties, forties, and fifties (and the sixties and seventies, but I'm not as interested in those dresses)... you see the problem.

Maybe I should just close my eyes and pick one. That would certainly waste less time.

I get to go to the conference

I received word today that my grant application was approved. I will be getting about $30 less than I'd asked for but I'm ok with that as that difference is practically the exchange rate.

I've registered for the conference and booked my flight. I have to book the hotel but the rate for the conference (which they'll pay half of) is higher than the rate online. I know I should just go ahead and book the hotel at the lower rate but I've contacted the grant person anyway to be sure that this will be ok. I'm going to get a room on my own and pay the extra; it's not that I don't mind sharing with someone, but in many ways I'd rather be on my own or with Ian.

I've started to be quite excited about going as I know some of the people that'll be there and we're making plans to have dinner Friday and Saturday nights. I arrive Friday at lunch so I'll have Friday afternoon to do a little bit of exploring. The hotel isn't downtown but in a suburb, I think, and that's ok - there must be things to do there.

This conference gives me a *reason* to sew me some clothes, and hopefully this will allow me to actually pick some patterns to sew. I won't be able to devote my full attention to sewing as I'm making the jewelry for the bride, but I'll have time afterward as long as I don't sleep all day and I don't surf the internet all the hours I'm awake.

Where did the day go?

Yesterday was a crazy busy day! I was up early to go with Ian to an appointment and then I had my hair cut and had to go grocery and water shopping. After all that - which is more than I usually do in a day - I crashed. Ian called at one point and I fell back asleep afterward.

And then I slept more than half the day away *again* and I'm still tired. I don't have the Pamidronate as an excuse this time - so why am I so, so tired?

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel well-rested. The days have been so beautiful that I feel like it isn't really living to be sleeping through them.

An ah-ha! moment

This pattern grading thing is going to get the best of me, I swear. You know I've been working on grading up vintage patterns for a while now and I've run into problems now and again. I bought two sizes of the same pattern to compare the grading, looked up measurement charts on the internet, pulled down a book I'd borrowed from my mom, and I realized something: although the bust, waist, and hip measurements change from era to era, the grading is the same.

Yep, they're all graded the same way. Ah-ha!

Well, they're all graded the same way when you get up to my size, anyways. And it turns out that I haven't been using that way. I've been doing it incorrectly. First I tried using a method popular on the web and referenced all over the place, but that method isn't all that precise and it doesn't really explain what to do when grading over huge sizes. Then I tried using a method that is probably the correct way to grade but not is what is used by the pattern companies. As a result, I was having a hard time getting the bust to fit properly. And the whole time, I needed to use the method in my mom's book to grade the pattern up to the right bust size and then adjust the waist and hip.

So of course I'm aching to go ahead and trace up a pattern and grade it... so why haven't I started doing that? Sigh. I just can't decide on *which* pattern I should use. I've got so many, and so many that I want to work with. Being paralyzed by indecision is not a new feeling for me - there is such a thing as too much choice. I guess I just need to pick one, any one, and work on it. And then hopefully not have the same problem choosing fabric as I'm having choosing a pattern. :) I have lots of gorgeous fabric and I worry that I'll waste awesome fabric on a pattern for which it won't work.

Should I stay or should I go?

Some of the YSC people are talking about going to a conference in Philadelphia in April. Elizabeth Edwards is going to be there and they're having talks aimed at women who are living with mets. Part of me wants to go and hear what they have to say because it sounds interesting, and of course I'd love to meet up with people. But on the flip side, it's not a non-zero cost and traveling can be a hassle.

Looking at the website, it seems that they have scholarships that can be used to cover the registration, transportation and half of the hotel costs, even for people in Canada! So I've applied, and if I get the full amount I applied for I'll go. I put in an estimated airfare amount based on the rates I saw but I don't want to book something I might not get to do.

In the application I had to say why I need the grant and what I would do with the knowledge gained. I figure that I could work with Hopespring on bringing back some information for them. I hadn't actually thought that part through but I'm pretty sure I could work something out.

Anyways, we'll see - it's worth the few minutes to apply for the grant, and if I get it, then it might be a fun and worthwhile trip.

And another one gone

Remember I went to Westport in November? I shared a hotel room with a woman from the YSC board to cut costs. She was my age and she was amazing; she had a cane and she managed to lug a huge suitcase and a wheelchair through train connections on her own. I was quite impressed and she was one of the first people I thought of when I started using my cane because she was so nonchalant about it. I wish I'd told her that.

I found out yesterday that she died on March 1st. :( Of all the people that were there that weekend, she was one of the last I'd expected to have died so soon after the trip. She was doing quite well at the time and I guess she started to go downhill in February, with brain mets showing up and then her liver failing. Even still, she deteriorated really fast.

I'm sad because she's gone and I'm sad that she went so quickly. I guess this just goes to show that it's important to do the things you want to do now because there might not be a later. You just don't know.

Speaking of doing things now, the UW juggling show was tonight. It was really, really good; the caliber of people performing in the show has increased a lot over the last few years. I was especially impressed by the unicyclist, the yoyo guy, and the guy doing the finale. Oh, and it turns out that we'll have two people staying with us tonight instead of just one. Good thing our couch is super-comfy.

How much can one person sleep? Too much.

You probably didn't know this, but I've been sleeping a lot this week. Wednesday, for example, I got up at 6pm. Yes, 6pm! And that's after going to sleep around 11pm the night before!

Then today I got up at 11am but fell asleep around 4pm until Ian got home at 8pm. Of course while I was awake I did manage to clean the bathroom and wash some sheets; we have a jugging guest staying with us tomorrow night and I wanted those things, at least, to be clean for our guest. The rest of the house remains the mess that it is.

Anyways, I couldn't figure out why I was sooo tired. Yes, I'd driven to and from Oakville on Tuesday and Thursday, but driving doesn't usually tire me out so much. Not to the point where I sleep until early evening, in any case.

And then I remembered that I'd received my Pamidronate on Monday, and I know that one of its side effects is to make me really, really tired. I guess it also makes me kind of slow if I can't even figure out why I'm so tired!

This weekend is the University of Waterloo annual juggling festival, and while I won't spend much time at the event but I'll definitely head to the show at 7pm in Hagey Hall. I'm sure I can manage to be up and about by then :)

Video games, movies, and guns

By now I'd guess you've all heard about the man in Germany who took one of his father's guns (the one he'd practiced shooting) and 200-odd rounds of ammo for it and went to his old high school where he shot a number of people (almost all female), after which he hijacked a car and went to a town and shot more people.

This is a horrifying incident.

The police are investigating; on the guy's computer, they found that he'd played violent video games and a lot of horror movies, and they think that these led the guy to kill all of these people. I don't know - thinking about hurting people, watching gory movies, and playing violent video games don't necessarily add up to shooting a number of people. I guess that the games and movies, in combination with someone who is seriously disturbed in particular ways, could possibly desensitize that someone enough so that they could kill people. But if that were true, I'd think that there would be a lot more of this kind of massacre going on.

After all, I've seen a number of video games, both violent and otherwise, and I watch a LOT of  horror movies. And I've been pretty depressed with a good dose of self-hatred to go along with it. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not unusual in having fantasized about hurting someone when I was angry. I'm not alone in these things (although I'm in the minority in that I'm female) but most of these people don't just kill people... even if, deep inside, they want to. But I'd never, ever go out and massacre people - and neither would most people.

Aside from the fact that this fellow was seriously disturbed, I think the blame for this tragedy lies not on the movies he watched or the games he played, but squarely the guns he used in his house. Simply put, he had the access and the ability to use the guns; if he hadn't had either, this massacre might not have happened.

I know that "guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people" - but maybe it's time for people to not have quite so many guns. Especially in the US, but even in places like Germany and here in Canada. No disturbed teenager (and it must have been fairly obvious that he was disturbed) should have access to guns like he did.

Last night's PRC

As you know, I've been watching Project Runway Canada. It's one of my favourite shows :) This post has some information about last night's show but I don't think there are any significant spoilers here. However, if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to know anything about a show before watching it, then you might want to skip this post until after you've seen this episode.












Still here? Ok.

On last night's show, the designers made dresses for women who'd had breast cancer; the dresses will now be auctioned off and all the money paid will go to the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. This is definitely not my favourite breast cancer charity as they'd refused to accept money from a group of strippers who'd raised it in memory of a dancer with mets. Still, the fact that the money is going to a large, recognized charity is a good thing.

I was also very surprised to see that the women who'd had cancer weren't all older women. There was a young woman who'd had breast cancer at 27 and there was a woman who had metastatic cancer (although they didn't say this on the show). Unfortunately, at the end of the show, there was a message that said that one woman - sadly, the woman paired with the losing designer who had made the ugliest dress - had died after taping but before the show aired. A tiny bit of research dress auction site showed that she'd had mets and had died. How sad that she died before seeing herself on tv :( .

If I remember rightly, on season one of Project Runway Canada, dresses were auctioned off in support of Iman's favourite charity. I like that this show is giving to charity and wish other shows would do this, too. It's a way to give back to people and makes the television industry appear a little less selfish.

Finally, a use for surfing the interweb

A bride who lives in the region contacted me about doing earring and necklace sets for her bridesmaids. I'm very excited about doing this as I like custom work. The bride picked out the earrings she wants and I've been working on different necklace designs. I came up with one this morning that I like very much; it lends itself well to variations in case the doesn't like the first design or I have different numbers of beads.

The bridesmaids are wearing shades of turquoise and while I have some beads that are a similar colour, I don't have enough in the exact shades that I need. So I spent the afternoon looking for the right beads in a variety of places. I ended up copying pictures of different beads I was thinking of buying and looking at them side-by-side with the dress photo. I know that it's really hard to determine true colour on a monitor so I hope I got the right beads. I did get enough, and from different places, so that I have options. And if I have extras left over, well, that's ok because they're gorgeous. And a great colour.

I guess you might say that my internet surfing skillz finally came in handy today. :)

A lighter movie day

It's curling season! The fact that I can't curl right now doesn't matter since I still get to *watch* the Brier. That will definitely keep me/us occupied when we're not doing something else.

Fortunately, it being the weekend, tv channels show movies... and so we got to watch Clerks II. It's pretty funny, I must say. Yes, there are many silly bits with men who won't/can't grow up and there's lots of inappropriate statements, but after all that, it's still hilarious. Of course not much happens during the movie; these are movies about hanging out in a place and talking with friends, not about going places and tracking people down or anything. If you don't like Kevin Smith movies, you won't like this one, either, but if you do like his movies you'll probably love this one as well.

Tomorrow I get my Pamidronate. Yippee? Hopefully it'll go smoothly by which I mean they won't forget about me and they won't be running too late. I suppose it doesn't matter either way, but it's frustrating to be there waiting for a while only to find out that there's been a mix-up. 

It's movie day

The weather went from gorgeous to .... not-so-gorgeous. It didn't get nearly as warm and it rained and rained and rained. We spent the day inside, watching tv and movies. And surfing the internet (that was me doing that part).

The main movie we watched and very much enjoyed was 13: Game of Death. It's about a guy who's having a really, really bad day and who is asked to participate in a series of game challenges; if he finishes all 13 challenges, he'll get a huge sum of money. The challenges start out small and get progressively more difficult and anti-social as they go on. There are twists, of course. The plot is quite good and so are most of the actors (although some of the extras might have been a little over-the-top). There's some implied but not that much actual gore and there are definitely a few "ewwwww, grossssss" moments. Really. Even so, it's definitely worth a watch.

Tomorrow's going to be all weird because the clocks spring forward. The daylight savings time changes always mess me up.

Oh what a beautiful day

I have to admit that I haven't done much of anything recently. Instead, I've been wasting time surfing the internet. Lately, I've been working my way through the best of Craigslist (some of those entries are hilarious) as well as Passive Aggressive Notes and Photoshop Disasters. And I can waste hours over at Project Rungay or Go Fug Yourself. Both of those sites cover a lot of the same pictures and it's interesting to compare the two. I also read a number of people's blogs each day. I'm getting to be very, very good at doing nothing useful.

But today the temperature got up to 17C!!! It was soooo gorgeous outside that I *had* to abandon the laptop and go for a walk. It wasn't so bad, walking around the neighbourhood with my cane. I can go pretty fast with the cane once I get going. My hips didn't hurt too much during and right after my walk today and I'm hoping they won't hurt tomorrow. The laptop wasn't any worse for not having been used for a while, either.

I don't think we'e going to have such great temperatures for that long, unfortunately; it's cold in the West and I expect it to be cold here soon. I'm happy as long as I can get out and enjoy the nice weather when its here. After that, I've got the internet.

Getting started on new pills

I talked to the pharmacist about taking something for my back and hip pain and she (well, the student pharmacist  - she wouldn't let me talk to the real pharmacist) recommended that I take the glucosamine/chondroitin supplement as opposed to the Lakota. She felt that the Lakota had less proof than the the other stuff. I asked whether or not I should take the glucosamine/chondroitin with MSM and she said that some people felt the MSM helped but that she had no recommendation about it.

I picked some up without the MSM (it was the first bottle I reached for) and I started taking that last night. I'll try it with the MSM next time; if that doesn't work, I'll try the Lakota.

An unusual appointment

You know how sometimes I get a woogly back? Normally it happens when I'm tired or when I'm going through withdrawl on my fentanyl patch - and both of those events usually occur in the evening. Not today, though.

Instead, it happened this afternoon while I was in the chair at the dentist's. Sigh. It started when the hygienist used a drill-thing to do the scaling off the inside of my teeth. The sound of the thing really bothered me and then the woogles started. She ended up not using the thing partway through but by then it was too late - once my back starts woogling it's really hard to stop it, and by then it was woogling in earnest. By the end, she's do one tooth, wait for me to thrash around a bit and to finally settle, and then start working on a new tooth.

My fentanyl patch is due to be changed today, so maybe it wasn't working so well this afternoon. And I *was* a little tired; when I got home I slept for a few hours. Even so, I felt pretty silly there at the dentist. Most adults are perfectly capable of lying still while for half an hour - but not me, at least today.

What made the day better was realizing that America's Next Top Model cycle 12 started tonight AND that Fashion Television is having a free preview for the entire month of March! What an excuse to do a whole lot of nothing all month :)

Now we know more

My oncologist and I went over the MRI results today. She ordered it in the first place so it makes sense for her to discuss it with me. Her suggestions and conclusions are different than my family doctor's.... in a good way :)

She doesn't think that I have arthritis. Instead, she thinks I have arthralgia, which is arthritis-like pain but that isn't actually arthritis, and is a side-effect of the Femara. In other words, the hip and back pain is a side-effect of the Femara that I've been on for 2 1/2 years. I've had pain in my thumbs, wrists, and ankles for some time now, and it's possible that the longer I'm on Femara, the larger the joints affected by this side effect.

The best way to determine whether the pain is arthralgia or arthritis is to go off the Femara completely. But the Femara is working - my tumour markers are down and my scans show no new cancer - and so it doesn't make sense to off the Femara. Sure, I could go on another hormonal treatment.... but why stop the one that works *before* it stops working? And what if the next treatment didn't work? I'm not willing to take a chance on letting my cancer spread further right now, so we're not going to stop the Femara.

Not that it matters much whether it's arthralgia or arthritis... my oncologist said that they treat arthralgia as though it were arthritis. The kicker is that there aren't really any modern medical treatments for it. However, my oncologist doesn't want me to live in pain and wants us to think outside the box on treating the pain by exploring non-modern/non-Western treatments like acupuncture, massage, hypnosis, Lakota or glycosamine/chondroitin, and possibly physiotherapy.

At this point, I just want this pain to go away. Having to live with constant pain is no way to live. Therefore, I'm willing to try things to get rid of it that I might not have considered before. To start, I think I'm going to begin taking Lakota or glycosamine/chondroitin. I'll have a chat with my pharmacist tomorrow about these remedies to figure out which might work better for me and to also be sure that the remedy won't interfere with my current medications.

Next, I'm going to see about getting some acupuncture done. My oncologist said that people have had very good results with it as long as the practitioner is experienced. She said that it is very important that I find someone who has years of experience not just in practicing acupuncture, but also in treating this kind of pain. Otherwise it might hurt or it won't give the right kind of benefit for me.

All I have to do to make this second step happen is to find someone who can do it. Normally my oncologist would just refer me to someone but she doesn't know anyone in the area who's got enough experience. I get to be the guinea pig here :) . I'll check with the cancer support center (Hopespring) where I go for my meditation classes; I'm hoping that they'll be able to refer me to someone in the area (or even tell me who might not be suitable). If that doesn't work I'll let my fingers do the walking on the internet and phone. If my experience with the person and treatment is positive, then my oncologist might refer other people to that practitioner.

In addition to these two new approaches, I'm still going to try and lose some weight and I do still want to do some aqua-fit to get some exercise. Hopefully, between all of these measures, the pain will go away. Cross your fingers!

Oh - and if you're interested in the actual scan results, the MRI showed that I have some slight disk bulging issues at my L4-L5 vertebrae. The bone scan also showed, for the first time, that I have some bone degeneration at L4-L5 to go along with the known degeneration at L5-S1. I was surprised at this; I didn't think that vertebrae degeneration would start marching up my spine like this. Weird.

The bone scan also showed increased takeup in my knuckles, wrists, and ankles which corresponds to the areas where I already had joint pain. I'm sure that increased takeup will show up in my hips one of these days, even though nothing showed up this time. The bone scan also showed increased takeup in my left knee, which is the one I think I broke ages ago. Interestingly, this is the first time that the report has mentioned the left knee since... well, since the very first bone scan I've ever had. I re-started Pamidronate before the scan and maybe it's healing these areas, causing the increased uptake.

And that's it! I'm feeling WAY more positive today. Not only might I not be in pain forever, but there might  be things I can do NOW to lessen the pain. That's the kind of news I love! I also have to say that I'm really, really happy with my oncologist's approach to this whole thing. She was positive and determined to help me find a way to deal with the pain, which is a helluva lot more than my family doctor gave me yesterday. Yesterday, I was left with the prospect of being in this agonizing pain forever with no hope of it lessening. Today, I'm hopeful that there might be a way out from the pain. I know that nothing is guaranteed, but I have hope. I love my oncologist - she's AWESOME!

Well, now we know

My family doctor had the MRI results and it didn't show anything. He didn't have the xray report, but he's concluded that the pain in my hips and back are due to.... arthritis.

Yep, arthritis. Another chronic, incurable health condition to add to my previously existing chronic, incurable health condition (metastatic breast cancer). Really, I was fine with just one chronic, incurable health condition - am I lucky, or what? I guess the best thing about this illness is that it won't kill me like the cancer (most likely) will... instead, it'll just add to my pain.

I'm happy that I don't have anything else seriously wrong with my health, but I'm not exactly jumping with joy here. Living with chronic pain sucks and the prospect of living with more of it.. well, sucks more. Sigh.

So.... talking to my doctor, one thing that I can do that might help is to lose weight. My weight is as high as it's ever been and I could stand to lose at least 15 pounds. Maybe even 20. Or 25. I've lost that weight before and I've maintained each of those weights so I know it's possible... but each time I've lost weight, I did it through a combination of eating less and exercising more.

Exercising more is tricky when my mobility is limited. Because the arthritis is in my hip, I need to be careful about doing weight-bearing exercises because I could just give myself more pain - exercising once and then being laid up for weeks isn't going to help me lose weight.

So I'm going to call the swimplex and see about one of the aqua-fit classes. They have a lot of them (one is an arthritic class in the swirlpool; that might work). Hopefully I won't be the youngest person there... and even if I am, well, I need to be able to exercise somehow. As I get stronger (and littler), I might be able to do more weight-bearing exercise in the gym. And then maybe the pain will decrease.

Another movie night

It's Saturday night so it must be movie night! We're not quite through our Ghost House Underground movies yet and so tonight we watched Trackman, another movie from that collection. We both enjoyed it. We watched the dubbed version (it's a Russian movie) and the dubbing was surprisingly good; certainly of better quality than the previous dubbed movies we've watched. The story is quite simple: people are trapped in a closed subway or mineshaft system with different levels and tracks while trying to escape from a giant, seemingly indestructible killer who takes their eyes as they die. There's a bit of gore but not really that much.

For those of you wondering, I see my family doctor on Monday and my oncologist on Tuesday to get the results of my recent tests. Hopefully the tests will show something so that we can maybe treat whatever is causing such pain in my hips and back.

No dogs for now, but we've still got movies

We're not getting a doggy right now. I guess I knew that but I didn't want to admit it because I want to have a little puppy sooooo much... but it's not the right time for a dog. It really doesn't make sense to get one and *then* to buy a house, or to get one on the spur of the moment. If we'd already moved and this opportunity came up, well, we'd get one.

This evening we went to a friend's place and watched Changeling, which turned out to be a pretty good, dramatic movie. Angelina Jolie and John Malkovich were both quite good in it, as were the costumes and sets. The story is apparently based on a true story which gave it extra punch. The only complaint I had about the movie was that it felt a little long, as though they were trying to bring too much of the story into it. It runs at almost two and a half hours and could have easily cut a half hour to make a tighter, more focused, even more dramatic movie.

Is it doggy time?

Have I mentioned that we'd like to get a dog someday? We'd like a hypoallergenic dog in a small breed, like a Shih-tzu, Lhasa Apso, or Bichon. We'd been thinking of waiting until after the summer (when we go on a trip out to the West coast for two weeks) or until after we bought a house (if we ever get around to doing that).

Anyways, apparently there was a puppy mill raid a few months ago and some of the puppies went to our local humane society. The dogs are all cleaned up and healthy now and the humane society is looking for people to adopt both puppies and adult dogs, with adoptions starting on March 6. These dogs are all small dogs, some in the breeds that we're considering. The pictures make them look so cute. And so of course I want to go out and apply to adopt a dog RIGHT NOW.

But getting a dog in the next couple of weeks might not be smart.... what do you think? Do we go ahead and get a rescued puppy or dog now? It would be less expensive in the short run, but the dog might have problems later and so might be more expensive as the years go by. If we did get a dog, what would we do with it when we go West? Would anyone be willing to dog-sit for a couple of weeks in the summer? Should we just wait until the fall or later to find a puppy?

If we didn't get a dog or applied and weren't chosen, I think I'll donate to the humane society as the cost to care for the dogs has been quite high.

So much for today

I meant to write something yesterday but I ended up asleep. I had the MRI at 5:45pm and I'd taken two Ativans so that I wouldn't twitch during the scan. I don't think I've mentioned it, but as I relax my limbs tend to twitch. They want you to lay perfectly still during scans so twitchiness is discouraged.

I didn't anticipate the effect the Ativan would have on me after the scan, which was to knock me out completely. Ian was able to watch some tv shows that I don't normally watch and then he had to wake me after we went to bed to turn off my light because I'd fallen asleep with it on. And then I slept until 3pm today.

Next time I'll have to remember that one Ativan is enough. Silly me :)

So of course I haven't done all that much over the last few days. I did do a little bit of sewing and fitting yesterday. I'm starting to feel like I *want* to sew and that's a good sign. Maybe tomorrow I'll be awake early enough to get something done.

It's Oscar night!

Oh, how I love the Oscars! I love the dresses, the shoes, the jewelry, the red carpet, the silly questions from the interviewers, and the show.

The show has been pretty good so far; they've changed the way that the different awards are presented to make use of previous winners instead of the announcer guy (who I haven't heard yet this year). The stage is very sparkly with Swarovski crystals in an arch above it and the audience is closer to the stage this year because there's no orchestra pit. This means that the presenter, Hugh Jackman, can easily talk to the members of the audience... and involve them in his skits. I must say that Hugh Jackman is doing a marvelous job as presenter! I'd had no idea that he could sing and dance but he can do those *and* he's pretty funny. Both the presenter and comedy portions of the show have actually been quite funny which is a nice change over preceding years.

The women wore mainly heavily-beaded strapless or "Wilma" (one shoulder) flowy gowns. There's lots of layering and folded fabric going on as well. Penelope Cruz wore a very vintage dress that looked perfect - lots of beading, ruching, and flowy fabrics.

One thing I noticed and thought was sort of odd was that many of the dresses seemed to puddle on the ground, even in the front. Of course a gown should be floor-length, and a train might puddle on the floor, but the front of the gown should just clear the floor. Ian thought the reason for the long dresses was that the stars were all wearing running shoes instead of their gorgeous shoes on the red carpet. I could believe this to be true in the the theatre, but not on the red carpet.

The fact that the dresses were so embellished meant that the jewelry was minimal and understated. There were lots of small dangly diamond earrings (not so many chandelier earrings this year) and diamond cuffs. There were couple of "statement" necklaces but not so many this year; most of them appeared to be choker-style.

I have to say..... I wish the strapless dress trend would end again (; it's been around before). It's very, very difficult for a woman to wear a strapless dress well, even if that woman is in perfect shape. If women aren't bulging out the sides or top, the dress is so sculptured that it's standing alone and either the woman can't breathe or the dress only properly fits when she breathes in. I don't love the Wilma style, where a strap of some kind goes over the shoulder, but it is a little better than the strapless dress.

Horror movie thoughts

We're still working our way through the Ghost House DVD collection; tonight, we watched Last House in the Woods. People gather at an isolated house in the forest and very strange things happen. There's quite a bit of blood and gore in this movie, as well as some violence. It was ok with an interesting approach to the story but we didn't really get what was happening until the very end.

One of the interesting things about this collection is that each movie in it is a low-budget horror movies and most are international. Many non-mainstream horror movies are low-budget which works just fine because you don't always need a lot of special effects to have a good horror movie. The atmosphere created by the cinematography and music contribute more to making the film feel scary than do a lot of special effects. Of course some horror movies need monsters of some kind, and those might have a higher budget than others. Rubber masks aren't that cheap, you know :)

Another thing I like about this collection is that it's giving us horror from all over the world which highlights the fact that horror transcends language or country-of-origin. The things that scare people seem to be universal, so it doesn't matter where it's filmed or even how long ago it was filmed. That's not to say that all horror is good or scary, of course; bad horror movies are much more prevalent than good ones, and they also can come from anywhere.

Less moving around

Sleeping until mid-afternoon can feel very luxurious, especially if you'd planned to get up early. Normally when I sleep late I have the alarm going off every 9 minutes or until I reset it (driving my neighbour crazy, I'm sure), but today I turned the alarm off early and so the quality of my daytime sleep was so much better.

If I'm going to sleep it may as well be good sleep, right? Especially since my hips were stiffer than normal today and I guess I twisted an ankle or something while I was out yesterday. I'm hobbling around like a old lady - you should see me pull myself up the stairs. Going down the stairs is quite a bit harder, though.

It seems that whatever is wrong with my left hip is also sort of wrong with my right. I have pain on that side when moving the leg in the same way that I move the left one. It's not as bad, but it's definitely the same kind of pain.

When I was a baby there was a problem with my hips where the ball wouldn't fit in the socket (which I guess is one or another kind of hip dysplasia) and I had to be double-diapered to help fix it. That kind of problem is a risk factor for hip problems that show up in later adulthood. It could be that whatever is wrong was going to show up someday... and that it's shown up a lot earlier because of the lack of estrogen in my body. In some ways, then, the timing of whatever's wrong with my hips is a side effect of the cancer. Stupid cancer.

Less sewing, more tv

No one told me that there's a Project Runway Australia! Yep, there is - and all of the episodes appear to be available on YouTube. I watched the first episode tonight and it was quite funny. Their mentor is Henry Roth, who is much more direct than, say, Tim Gunn (of the original Project Runway) or Brian Bailey (of  PR Canada). Henry actually told someone that things would work better if they stopped being dramatic. It's a true statement but not one you hear from most mentors on these shows!

I love how talented these designers are; I wish I had a fraction of their talent. I can't design or make the clothes nearly as quickly as they can on the show... probably because they've had more practice. Still, I don't see myself getting up to their level anytime soon.

I really do keep meaning to sew but I've managed to put it off all week. I even put out recycling today instead of sewing! The fact that I'd rather do a chore instead of something fun tells me that I'm deliberately avoiding the sewing room. Part of the problem is the cane and my ginormous elbow - I feel like an invalid. Sewing for oneself requires absolute honesty: to do it, a person has to totally accept their body for what it is at that moment. I got to a point where I was accepting my body just fine but since the cane and the elbow I seem to have moved away from there.

I'm sure that I'll accept my body again.... and until then, I've got Project Runway (in all of its international flavours) to watch.

More vintage fun

I seem to be having a sleepy day. A normal person would get up in the morning but I managed to sleep in until 3pm. That's crazy late! And it's not like I get much done on days that I sleep that late, either... I can only guess that I need the sleep.

I bought some 1950's Australian Home Journal (I didn't get this one, but I do *love* that green dress in the picture!) magazines off of eBay because they have sewing patterns in them. They arrived today and they are so much more than just sewing patterns! There are knitting patterns for awesome sweaters (called jumpers) as well as an advice column and of course there are ads. Many of the ads are centered around losing weight or looking thin with girdles. The advice in the advice column is very dated, with a strong message to love and support your husband no matter what. They're awesome reading :).

The styles in these magazines are similar to their US counterparts from that era but they're a bit harder to sew. They're sort of comparable to today's Burda World of Fashion patterns, which are gorgeous and fit well but which are a little harder to sew.

One of the things I love about these magazines (and the Workbaskets that I received the other day) is that they offer a peek into what life was like back then. They don't just show what formal dress was like which, when it comes to actual clothes, is mostly what we know for pre-1850 women; the common woman's clothes just didn't last that long, and the clothes that museums do have tend to be formal garments. The patterns and ads show what women wore and what their life was like.

Not American Idol

Dubbed Danish films sound a lot like dubbed Japanese films. In fact, you would hardly know it was a Danish film if you were just listening and not watching it. We think this is because when the actors are reading the dubbed lines, they're not interacting with each other and so the lines don't sound as realistic. That, and the same voices are used for both :)

In case you were wondering why this subject came up, we watched a dubbed Danish movie this evening because we don't watch American Idol. Personally, I'm tired of the American Idol show - it seems that the people who vote on that show do not necessarily reward talent. Not many of the winners have done all that well; in many ways, the show seems to be a bit of a scam. It churns out a lot of mediocrity but very little good music or singers.

Enough of that rant. The movie we watched tonight was The Substitute, which is about an alien who takes over a sixth-grade substitute teacher. Apparently these aliens only know war and they want to know about love, which is why they're on this planet. The sixth-grade kids save the day (and chickens play a huge role). It's quite a good movie, even in the dubbed version; it has tension, sci-fi, comedy, and some horror. There are no gory or adult situations so this is one almost everyone can enjoy.

Family Day

It's Family Day here in Ontario; it's a new holiday over here although Alberta has had one for a couple of decades. I suppose this holiday has two purposes: first, to give people a break in winter, and second, to, umm, encourage people to spend more time with their families.

Not that there's much else to do on a holiday here. In Ontario, stores are closed on designated holidays. Sure, some - like your corner store or a drugstore or a tourist attraction - can stay open, but grocery stores and malls that aren't tourist attractions have to shut down. It's very old school.

We'd already decided to go and see Coraline 3D today but we forgot that nothing else was open... and so we were a bit surprised to discover that many, many, many people had also decided to see a movie today. We first tried to see a 1pm show but the lineup to buy tickets was much too long, so we ended up going early for a 4pm show. We did get good seats at least :)

The movie is very good. It's not quite the same as the book, with an additional character and some slightly different timelines, but the story is interesting and compelling. The 3D aspect just made the movie feel more real; there weren't any gratuitous 3D shots to speak of so I didn't have to remember that I was watching a 3D movie. The scenery, action, and dialog all feel much like a fairy tale, which makes the movie appealing for everyone. We highly recommend this movie; see it in 3D if you can, but you'll still enjoy it if you can't.

Out for a walk

I haven't been going out as much as I used to because of the extra hassle due to the cane and the fact that the sidewalks haven't been clear. Or it's been cold out.  Or I'm not totally comfortable going by myself until we know what's going on. But finally it's warmed up enough that the sidewalks are clear with almost no ice left, and it was warm out, and Ian and I were both able to go out.

So the two of us went for a walk around the neighbourhood this afternoon. I'm getting better at walking with the cane but I've never walked so long with it before. It was a little tiring on my arm. My arm (the one with the hugemungous elbow) takes most of my weight so that I'm not putting weight on the sore hip. I'm also not as fast with the cane as I was before; normally, that walk takes about 35 or 40 minutes and today it took 50 minutes or so.

Even though I was tired and needed a nap when I got back, it was well worth going out and getting some fresh air.

Happy Valentine's Day

I stand corrected; there's a lot more tatting out there than I thought! It's a thriving art, and some of the pieces I've seen are gorgeous. I love love love the tatting my mom used to do that had some kind of symmetry but there are people out there tatting animal outlines. Pretty cool, huh? I should look into it as I do love the look of a finely tatted piece.

So I saw my doctor today and my bone scan came out normal; there are no new bone mets anyplace, which is great news! There was also nothing wrong with my hip although they saw some arthritis in my lower back. My doctor checked my hip and I only have about 5-10 degrees of rotation to either side. That's not that much. I think my doctor suspects osteoarthritis in the hip. I'm not sure what the treatment would be for this as a lot of the reading I've done kind of describes it as a chronic pain thing.

My cane work has left me with a swollen elbow. It's some kind of bursitis and it looks like my elbow has grown its own elbow! I did hit that elbow on a hard surface a few weeks ago but the problem now is almost definitely caused by the cane. So now I'm wearing a brace on my forearm to take some of the load off of my elbow when I do use the cane. I really only use the cane first thing in the morning and when I'm out of the house so hopefully the elbow thing will drain. The cane makes me look old enough; I don't need a brace adding to my external age :)

For Valentine's Day, We watched My Bloody Valentine 3D . We figured that watching this movie was the right way for us to celebrate this romantic holiday :). We thought the movie was pretty good both as a horror movie and as a 3D movie. It's got some story and a little plot along with suspense and gore. If you like all of this, you'll probably like this movie.

More vintage fun

The last pattern is on its way - it sounded like the person is about as organized as I am. I went and checked everywhere the patterns had been in case the one had been separated from the others and even after I emailed the woman who sent them, I went and checked yet another time, just in case.

Speaking of gifts from people, someone gave me a box full of old Workbasket magazines; the box is hugely heavy and contains issues from the 50s to the 80s. The best thing about these magazines, aside from the old ads, are the tatting and crochet patterns. Of course there are lots of doily patterns but there are also patterns for trim and edging as well as whole blankets and afghans. My mom did a lot of tatting when I was growing up and I thought I'd seen almost everything, but they had this "twisted tatting" stitch in some of the patterns. Then again, I didn't much like the effect in the patterns so maybe my mom didn't like it, either. There was also tatting with beads which looked cool.

Seeing the tatting patterns sort of made me wish that I could tat... it's a dying art these days, and I've always liked the way it looked. People used to do a lot of it back in the day but it's something that you almost never see anymore.

Gorgeous vintage patterns

A little while ago, someone emailed me and asked if I wanted some size 16 vintage McCall's patterns. You might know that I have a vintage pattern obsession, and that I especially love McCall's vintage patterns, so of course I said that I'd love to have them. The person suggested what I thought was a fair price, sent me an invoice via PayPal, and once I'd paid that invoice, mailed me the patterns. PayPal offers protection if for some reason the items weren't as described so I wasn't nervous about buying the patterns this way.

The patterns arrived today and although one is missing (9385, in the lower left-hand corner), I'm still thrilled. They're gorgeous!!! These are the ones that I received:

Aren't they awesome? There's a 1920's Butterick pattern, a 1930's Simplicity pattern, and the rest are all 1930's McCall's patterns. The pattern pieces are used but appear to be in great shape and the envelopes themselves are in excellent shape. The designs themselves would still look beautiful today even though they're more than 70 years old. I'm so in love with them!!!

I'm going to need more vintage pattern storage.

Where did the day go?

I haven't slept like this in ages! I got up around noon and then fell asleep again around 2pm until sometime after 8pm. Is it the Pamidronate? Or the emotional stress of the anniversary of my dad's death? Probably both.

In a way, today was easier to deal with, memory-wise. I sort of felt like I'd already dealt with so much that today was sort of anti-climactic. Not that I miss my dad any less, but the flood of memories I've been experiencing over the last few days has slowed to a trickle. Once I gave each memory attention it didn't need to come back this year, if that makes sense.

Of course this day was hugely stressful last year - I'd spent the night in the hospital with my sister, visiting my dad. He moved around a lot and was very wiggly. At some point they put him on Fentanyl and he stopped squirming around, which made me think that maybe he'd actually been in pain. In the morning we met with the doctor who told us that my dad was not getting better; he was on life support and four kinds of heart medications and his lungs and kidneys were just starting to fail. My dad had a do-not-resuscitate order in place and if he'd had the previous heart crisis during the day instead of the middle of the night. After consulting with the family we decided to "pull the plug" - take away the life support, except for the Fentanyl.

They told us that my dad would probably last about 15 minutes after everything was disconnected, but he actually hung on for 2 1/2 hours! My one sister, myself, and my mom stayed in there with him the entire time, telling him that we loved him and telling him that it was ok to go now.

It was so hard to watch my dad died but in some ways I felt very honoured to be there. Death is a profound experience and watching my dad go through it touched me very deeply. When he had died, I hugged him and told him I loved him and my sister and I got hair clippings from him. He'd gone and got his hair trimmed for the surgery - even now, that thought brings tears to my eyes.

I still miss my dad and wish he was here. I know that he had to have the surgery because he had no quality of life the way things were. The last months of my dad's life were the happiest he'd ever had and he went in knowing what the odds were. I'm grateful for the time I got to spend with him before the surgery and while he was in the hospital.

If only things had happened later... but nothing can be postponed forever.

More tired than I should be

I'd forgotten how tired I got after I had Pamidronate! I had my meditation class and then a haircut and when I got home, I slept all afternoon. I'm still tired and am looking forward to sleeping again tonight. Thank goodness I have nothing that I have to do tomorrow - I'm looking forward to sitting around and relaxing.

I found myself feeling more emotional today than I'd expected. This day last year was very emotional, because it was clear that my dad was really not doing well and that he was dying. I expect that it hit me pretty hard because I am so tired from the Pamidronate.

Restarting Pamidronate

I'm finally back on Pamidronate again; you might remember that I'd gone off of it while we figured out what was going on with my teeth. We now know that my teeth are fine - the problem was that the root of the tooth rested against the floor of the sinus cavity and I had a chronic sinus infection. So the sinus was inflamed and made the tooth hurt, and when the tooth was re-filled my face hurt. Antibiotics and a new filling that didn't extend as far out of the tooth took care of those problems.

I was lucky and thrilled to end up with such an awesome outcome. I could have ended up with a root canal or tooth extraction, and it was in anticipation of those possible outcomes that I went off the Pamidronate. Now that the tooth problem is all wrapped up I can go back on the Pamidronate - yay! It is part of my treatment, after all.

I was pretty stressed this afternoon before I received the Pamidronate - more so than I expected or would normally have been. My nurse was running super-late and I was nervous because the last time I was there, I ended up waiting forever because of a mis-communication between the front desk and the nurse. I asked the front desk twice (15- and 30-minutes after my scheduled appointment time) to check with the nurse, explaining that I was worried that the Pamidronate wouldn't happen on schedule and that it would interfere with their schedules. That's happened before as well.

Now, all of that is really no big deal but I found myself almost in tears because of all this; my eyes got all puffy and I was starting to shake. I ended up doing some breathing exercises and meditation so that I didn't freak out by crying or getting mad at anyone, and it worked. Even though I talked to the front desk twice (and explained to the nurse about why I'd done that), I didn't get mad or angry or say nasty things. I was quite proud of myself for using my meditation techniques to calm myself down and behave.

I'm pretty sure I was stressed because of these anniversary dates. This time last year is blurry; all I remember were trips to and from the hospital to see my dad. I know that we'd been called to come in on the Tuesday morning because my dad had another heart attack early that morning. My one sister and her family drove up from where they were living and she and I spent Tuesday night sleeping in the hospital, waking up every few hours to go and see him. I don't remember each visit - I just remember being scared.

Another glorious day

Today was another warm and beautiful day - it didn't get above freezing, but it was still sunny and gorgeous. We actually left the house while it was warm out to go grocery shopping. I know that this isn't that exciting, but at least we felt the sun shine on our faces :)

Of course I took my cane to do the shopping; I take it everywhere now. The best thing about the cane is that it's so much easier to walk with it - I had no idea that I was in as much pain as I was and that I was struggling so much. My hip and leg hurt so much less when I use the cane that there's no way I wouldn't use it now. It just feels so much better to walk with it. Using the cane is starting to feel natural and I'm feeling less self-conscious with it as well. 

Thank you all for your emails and support about my cane - I really appreciate it. It's good to know that I'm not the only younger (well, young-looking in my case) person to use a cane. And that using a cane isn't that weird or anything. 

Spring is on the way

The temperature was above freezing all day and the snow is melting! There's a brisk wind, too, which is helping the snow melt all the faster. It is such a relief to finally have some warmth out there and to see the ground.

So did I spend time outside today? Well, no. I sewed, a bit. I'm still working on that pattern, and the changes I made for the back are perfect. However, the front needs a few adjustments and I gave up before I could finish them. I'm very pleased with what I've done so far, but I want this to fit perfectly.

While I was sewing, of course I was remembering my dad... last year on the Saturday we visited him. He was awake and I think his breathing tube had come out or was just about to but he couldn't really talk so he write notes to us. They'd put some sort of pump-sleeve thing on his legs to help the circulation there and he wrote that it felt like the cat was kneading his legs. Well, he wrote the cat's name and my mom figured out what he meant. I told my dad that I loved him and we left.

I remember leaving that visit feeling so happy because my dad was doing ok - he had come through the surgery just fine and even though he'd had a heart attack, he seemed to be fine. Later that night everything changed. He went from being the sweet, docile patient (who might have flirted with the nurses a bit) to a monster. He threatened to kill them and told him that he had a gun. They ended up putting the breathing tube back in and when we came back, he was sleeping. That morning was the last time that he was awake and could communicate with us.

It's hard to sew when I'm crying but it's important to me to really remember what happened. Even though the memories are painful, confronting them head-on is easier than avoiding them (at least for long) and writing them out is cathartic for me.

This evening we went with some friends to see the Dance Party of Newfoundland perform. They're a sketch comedy troupe and they were sort of funny. We didn't love every sketch, of course, but there were some that were quite hilarious - like the romantic Spanish singer, the song about applying condoms, and the 20's-style guy. Oh, and Chinesus. And The Vegan. Those sketches were probably the funniest :)

Apparently this troupe played in a small town in Ontarioand bombed there. People left during intermission and many were offended by the condom song. The group that brought them in had to publish an apology [this is a google cache link as the actual link should be here but is broken right now] for having brought them to the town's playhouse. This troupe's humour is clearly not for everyone but they're still ok.

Life moves on

I used my cane to walk to the store today. My leg was hurting a LOT and the cane actually helped quite a bit while I was out. Who'd have thought that it would make a difference? :) Getting the rhythm right with the cane takes a bit of work but I think I got it in the end.

Of course I felt a little weird while walking around the store. Was it my imagination that the senior guy did a double-take when he saw me with my cane, or that the other guy looked embarrassed when he tried to get his cart past me (another cart was blocking the aisle) and saw my cane? Or am I just self-conscious? Of course I'm a little bit self-conscious but I do think that people were reacting to my cane.

On a brighter note, I excited to say that think that I'm finished my pattern alterations on the pattern I've been trying out. I'm super-excited to be able to use it once I'm finished the final check that my latest changes actually work. Working on the patterns (or making earrings, which is also something I've been wanting to do) helps me stay in the present. It's ok - and normal - to be overwhelmed with grief for my dad and to be consumed by tears, but it's important to continue living my life. When I create things, I find myself immersed in the project; it's very similar to meditation, which has a calming effect on me.

A year ago today (by the day - the date is actually February 8), my dad went into surgery to have an aortal-bifemoral bypass surgery. Basically, they were replacing the aortal and femoral arteries because they were clogged up and he had no circulation in his feet. If he hadn't had the surgery, eventually his feet would become gangrenous due to the lack of circulation and they would have needed to be amputated. We knew that the surgery was risky; he'd had a heart attack about 22 years before, still smoked, and didn't get much exercise, and so there was about a chance he'd have a heart attack during surgery. If he had a heart attack, there was a 50/50 chance he'd die of it.

The morning of the surgery, I remember driving him, my mom, and Ian in my dad's car - the only time I ever drove my dad - to the hospital. I don't really remember much about the day except that the surgeon was supposed to talk to us afterwards and I don't remember him doing so. We finally got to talk to the doctor on-call in the ICU and he said that my dad had had a heart attack during surgery but that he was stable right then. I wonder now if he was trying to convey how serious the situation was without scaring us. We left the hospital that night and returned in the morning. I remember being so scared that my daddy would die. Now I'm so sad that he's gone. I miss him so much.

Starting to look into things

We started on this diagnostic path by giving me a bone scan today. They took extra shots of my sternum (of course), my lower back, and my left hip. Hopefully they'll get some information from that. I know that I'll be having an MRI at some point and I might get as CT scan of the left hip, too. But the bone scan is a start.

I saw the physiotherapist today and she recommended that I not over-exert my hip or back. So no curling for sure, and no going to the gym. She suggested that I use a cane for walking (I am allowed to walk, preferably inside with a smooth floor) so as to not put too much strain on my hip. A cane. I'm almost 40 and I have my first cane. Yippee?

She also said that the cane doesn't help with balance, only support, and if my leg gives out again that I should get a walker. I don't think I'm ready for a walker, you know? Although the prospect of using it to push my way around does have a certain appeal. Still, I feel too young for a walker.

Through all of this, I'm flooded with memories of what happened last year. At some point in the future, I'll remember my dad's death by the actual dates, but this year I'm remembering it by the days of the week. So a year ago yesterday, Ian and I were trying to fly to Edmonton but were grounded for the night because of a terrible snowstorm. We ended up sharing a cab and driving all over the place to get home... when we got there, we found out that the tickets that had been issued had been issued for the Friday instead of the Thursday. I crumpled into a ball of tears while Ian got that sorted out.

We made it out to Edmonton a year ago today and went to my parent's place. In preparation for the surgery, my dad had to clean out his system so we went out and watched a movie. I don't even remember which one it was. We had ice cream, too, before going back. Then we spent the evening with my mom and dad, chit-chatting.

I still cry when these memories come to the surface. It's part of the grieving process - in some ways it's harder to re-live something than to live through it the first time. The first time something like this happens, you don't really know how something is going to turn out. But when you remember it, you know how it ended. Talking to my dad the night before surgery is a hard memory because I didn't know that this would be the last evening we spent hanging out. I miss my daddy so much.

Appointment with the oncologist

The good news from my visit with my oncologist is that my CA 15-3 tumour marker has gone down to 34.2, which is still in the normal range. It seems to be holding steady around 35 which is a good thing.

She is a bit concerned about my lower back pain and is ordering an MRI of that area to see what's going on. She doesn't think it's mets - she thinks that it's most likely me getting old but she wants to check it out anyways. Of course I'm thrilled about this because an MRI is just what I wanted for the area. That should happen within a few weeks and I'll see my oncologist afterwards.

My oncologist is actually more concerned about the pain I get when my leg is rotated, which is making my leg feel weak and which made my leg give out on me the other day. She's ordering a bone scan (scheduled for Thursday) and if that doesn't show anything, she'll order a CT scan. She said that I could call to get the bone scan results, if I didn't want to wait until I see her for the MRI results. Again, she doesn't think that it's mets - although it could be - but she's worried that there's something serious going on there. It could be something innocuous like bursitis or arthritis or some kind of muscle strain or just getting old.

Apparently the worst-case scenario is that something is happening to the bone. She specifically mentioned avascular necrosis, which is when the circulation is cut off to the joint and the bone around there dies. This isn't something that is likely happening... but she wants to be sure.

To be honest, the idea that the bone might have died in the femur scares me a lot. I hope very much that this isn't actually the problem. I asked my oncologist about treatment for this and she said that they usually cut the affected bone out, followed by a hip replacement. Sigh.

My oncologist says that I should probably avoid curling and other activities until we know what's going on with my back and hip. So I'll hold off on curling for a while.

I'm so glad that I have an oncologist that investigates and treats the whole me. Even when the investigation is scary.

Waiting for tomorrow

I guess I'm a little nervous about seeing my oncologist tomorrow.

My back was bad yesterday morning - bad enough that I spent the morning lying on my back on the floor after taking Celebrex and Percocet. After a few hours (and some sleep - yes, I can sleep flat on my back on the floor), my back felt better. I'd done some stomach crunches the night before - was that what made my back hurt? The last time I went to the gym and was on the bike and the elliptical, my back hurt like it did yesterday - but for days.

The pain is in my sacrum, most likely around the sacroiliac joint. Sometimes I get pain and muscle tightness down to the middle of my left hamstring (and once in a very long while, in the same spot on the right), and sometimes I get pain and aching down the outside of my left leg. My left leg also feels weaker, especially when rotated - and of course it collapsed under me last week for the first time.

The pain seems to be worse after I do some sort of exercise and it often hurts when I'm sitting down - lying on my back feels better. Lying in a hot bath feels even better :)

I've always had some back pain, but it's a lot worse now than it used to be. I first went on Celebrex a couple of years ago because my lower back hurt in the mornings - I couldn't roll over to get out of bed. It doesn't hurt like that now, of course, but then again my overall painkiller intake is so much higher now. The fact that I still need breakthrough painkillers on top of what I normally take should tell you how much my back hurts.

So is all this additional pain just because I'm old? Has the Femara, after 2 1/2 years, finally got to the sacrum and that's why I have pain there? Or is it mets?

I'll get some answers tomorrow: I had my tumour marker taken a couple of weeks ago and I'll get that number tomorrow. Three months ago my tumour marker number was in the normal range.... so what will it be tomorrow? If it's normal, then the problem is more likely old age as opposed to cancer. I expect that no matter what happens tomorrow, I'll end up with more questions than answers.

Superbowl Sunday

Friends of ours have a Superbowl party each year; they make chili and open up their home to people to watch the game. We weren't sure that they would have anyone over this year because she had a beautiful baby boy within the last week, but they ended up having a small group of people (including us) join them tonight.

Since there were fewer people there than last year, I was able to really watch the game this year. I enjoyed that. I don't watch much football and I barely understand the rules but the Superbowl is more than just a football game. It's an industry unto itself, really.

Don't get me wrong; at the center of the Superbowl is a football game. This year the Pittsburgh Steelers won 27-23 over the Arizona Cardinals in a game that was most interesting in the final quarter. This year's game was marked by a number of turning events, like the touchdown that didn't count, the 100-yard touchdown, the safety, and the tippy-toe touchdown. There were a LOT of penalties on both sides which had a huge effect on the game as well.

But football isn't the only part of the Superbowl game. There's the halftime show as well. After the wardrobe malfunction in 2004, the shows have tended to be pretty tame. This year, Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band were the halftime show. Springsteen is a good choice for the Superbowl: his music is non-offensive to almost everyone (even if it doesn't exactly appeal to everyone) and most people are familiar with his songs. His show was pretty good. There were a few technical glitches and odd behaviours which made us laugh, like the roadie dropping the guitar, Springsteen sliding crotch-first into a camera (I think he meant to stop first), and a thing he did with the mike ... in a similar position as when he slid into the camera. Oh yeah, and the music was pretty good.

All in all, the game and entertainment were ok. I more enjoyed spending time with my friends - especially my friend who had the baby and her kids. I know that I've had emotional problems around some babies in this past but that isn't a problem with this baby (or his brothers). This baby is adorable! He's still a big sack of baby but he seems to have a bit of a personality; word is that he might be quite a talker.

Shopping all day

I spent the day shopping with a friend. It was great fun; we went to a number of stores, had lunch, and chatted about everything. I had a great time! Our first stop was Vicanie's, our favourite lingerie store. I've been going there for a number of years now and even though I hadn't been there in a couple of years, the owner still remembered me! Now *that's* great service. They have bras in tons of sizes and lots of pretty ones, too, as well as swimwear and nightwear. If you're in Guelph or Waterloo, I highly recommend the store.

You might remember me saying that I didn't think I was all that well-endowed. Well, it turns out that I was wrong and my sisters were right - I'm definitely more endowed than I used to be. The staff at the store did a bra fitting for me and it turns out that I've gone up one band size and one cup size. I was amazed at the size of the girls when I'm wearing a bra in the correct size. This isn't a bad thing, really, because my butt is also big, so at least now they'll be better balanced.

I was able to get two bra-and-panty sets on sale in my new and improved size. At another store, I also bought the cutest little waist-length black cardigan with 3/4-length sleeves, charcoal round buttons, fur trim on the peter pan collar, and wool lace and sequin trim beside the buttons. It is soooo adorable!!!! It'll be perfect with pencil skirts and the vintage dresses I'm making for the colder months.

Now I just need to find another waist-length, 3/4-length sleeve, light-coloured cardigan for summer. I could make a bolero to match each summer dress I'll be making... but that seems like a lot of work. I don't object to making one bolero that matches a lot of things, but I don't want to make more than two, so I'll be needing a cardigan as well.

All in all, it was a very fun and productive shopping day. And because we bought everything on sale, we didn't even spend that much - yippee :)

This, that, and the other thing

Project Runway Canada is back! They're in Ottawa this time and I'm quite curious about where they'll buy fabric there. I'd been looking for an awesome PRC-caliber fabric store when I was there but I didn't really find one. Next time I'm there I'll have to go to the store they pick.

I also watched a bit of this show called Blush, a reality series looking for the next makeup artist. It's the only show I've seen where the guys apply makeup to themselves as carefully as girls do. There's a guy there who is even more flamboyant than Austin Scarlett. Yes. He is. At judging, he had a wig on or had curled his hair into tight 18th-century curls and was wearing a black skirt, flip-flops, and a top with a black lace jabot. His makeup was also interesting (and of course well-done!). Even more notable, he fanned himself with a black lace fan. I think I'll be wanting to watch more of this series :)

I traced out and graded a new pattern - a basic sheath, 50's style - and sewed up a trial, and I'm thrilled with it! It needs some adjustment, of course, mainly because I mis-measured the waist (silly me!), but it fits well. I could tell that I liked it, because after I'd finished making all the adjustments to the trial, I posed in front of the mirror for a while. Even though it's just a trial and so is basically a throw-away garment, I loved the way I looked and felt in the dress. I can't wait until I make up the dress in "real" fabric. I'm also hoping to turn this dress into something that I can use as a block to adjust into other styles.

So that's all pretty good news. My back is still quite painful, which isn't so good. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but when my back hurts, so does my left leg. I guess that whatever causes the pain is pinching a nerve in the leg. I've also been noticing that some of the muscles in that leg feel weak when I move them in certain ways. I guess the pain is sort of like sciatica, except that it doesn't go to my toes (it stops at my mid-hamstring) and it hurts and is weak on the outer part of the leg. I did mention this to the physiotherapist a couple of weeks ago and she said that I should try to strengthen the leg.

Anyways, my back was in agony this afternoon so I took some painkillers so I could go went to curling tonight. I fell while delivering a couple of rocks because of my left leg, and while sweeping a rock my left leg just gave way and I fell. All of a sudden my leg just wouldn't bear my weight.

I tell you, having my leg just crumple like that freaked me out. Ian saw it happen and it freaked him out, too. I don't really know how or why this would have happened. At least I see my oncologist on Tuesday and I expect to be seeing my family doctor soon - hopefully they can tell me what's going on. I want the pain to go away and for my legs to work properly.

Clearly I won't be curling tomorrow... or possibly for a while. We'll see.

The sun came out today

Talking with my meditation group definitely helped today. Several had been through similar situations and knowing that makes it easier. My group leader also suggested that I write things down and allow myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling and not try to suppress it.

And of course meditating will help to keep my mind clear and calm. This is not surprising advice because it is a meditation class, after all :)

One piece of advice made a lot of sense: that whatever I do, I have to live with it later, and I don't want to do anything that I couldn't live with. I know it seems like a logical statement but in this context it made a lot of sense. I'm not depressed, don't worry, and I won't do anything silly... except for spending too much money, like I did with the pattern over the weekend.

On a brighter note, I did run across something I thought was quite funny: yarnbombing. I guess it's like guerrilla knitting: find an object, knit something to cover it, and attach the knitted item to the object. I love it! What a way to make our cities more beautiful - and use up your yarn. :)