RIM's layoffs have started in earnest

The layoffs at RIM have finally begun: they're laying off 2000 people worldwide this week which will apparently bring them down to 17000 employees world-wide. They had 17500 employees in February and apparently they hired 1500 employees since then. The company was going to hell in a handbasket and they were still hiring? Wow. That makes absolutely no sense at all... like so many of the company's choices.

It isn't like RIM doesn't have any deadwood to get rid of - for a while there they were hiring just about anyone because they needed people so much. I worked with some people who did "negative work", by which I mean that everything they did had to be re-done by someone else. Getting rid of those people can only be good for the company. I'm also sure that there must be ways to streamline things in the company.

Sadly, it looks like RIM isn't changing its top structure all that much. One COO is leaving and the job is being split into two positions but Mike L and Jim B, the CIO, and the CTO are staying right where they are. In my opinion, RIM's problems are a direct result of Mike L's and Jim B's closed-mindedness, short-sightedness, and arrogance. They thought they knew the market better than anyone, that the market would do what they wanted to, that they understood the consumer, and that they didn't need to listen to anyone but themselves. Not to mention the fact that Jim B seemed to be more interested in buying himself a hockey team than running the company.

I'm not the only one who thinks the problems start at the top. This in-depth article is worth a read because it's written by someone who didn't actually work there and gives an historic look into the problems at the company. I also like this quote because it sums up the situation as I saw it in just a couple of sentences:
It’s not the employees that didn’t want to put a camera, MP3 player, or a touchscreen in the BlackBerry — that was the CEOs. I believe many of the employees see what’s wrong with the company, but as long as Jim Balsillie and Mike Lazaridis are running the show, RIM will continue to go down.

I very much hope that Mike L and Jim B have learned from the recent problems the company has been having (although I have my doubts). Mostly I hope that all my friends are safe and still have their jobs, or, if they'd rather, that they have a good severance package.

Layoffs coming at RIM

Last night I went out for a bridal shower dinner at Sole. I had a wonderful time eating way too much, reconnecting with friends I haven't seen in a while, and meeting and getting to know people who are new to our circle. We talked about the usual things: kids, travel, movies, gardening, and life in general. We also talked about the layoff and earnings announcement that RIM had made earlier that day.

Even though I no longer work at RIM, I've been following their product launch reviews and investment analyst downgrades and it's clear that things are not going well. The last few products they've launched have not done as well as expected and the company hasn't been as innovative as they needed to be to compete. It appears that RIM rested on its laurels and is now playing a game of catch-up instead of leading new product innovations. It's going to be difficult for them to turn this slide around.

Logically, it makes sense for the company to lay people off and to streamline operations. Emotionally, those layoffs are going to affect so many people - including everyone at last night's dinner because they either work there themselves or their partner does. While I'm relieved that I didn't go back to work and that I'm not going through this process, I'm worried and scared for my friends. They're worried, too. No one knows how many people will go or how those people will be chosen.

I remember working at Levi Strauss & Co (Canada) when they laid people off at head office and shut the plants down. It was a hard, hard time. Between the layoff announcement and finding out who was being laid off, everyone was worried, tempers were short, and rumours abounded. Things didn't get better once we knew who was going, either: if you were staying, you felt guilty for staying and scared at the prospect of so much more work ahead; if you were going, your life was turning upside-down. Either way, we were all trapped in a situation full of change that was completely beyond our control. It's an extremely stressful situation.

I imagine that similar things are happening at RIM right now. I hope that my friends are able to take some time to enjoy themselves away from the company to balance out the increased stress at work. And I hope that RIM comes through this downturn stronger than ever.

What a beautiful day

So that's it; after today I'm not a RIM employee. I'm happy that this day has come and is just about gone, although things don't really end for another month - that's when my benefits will end and when I'll receive my severance payout.

When my benefits expire I can buy medical/dental benefit coverage from the insurance company. I'm waiting to hear back from the contact person at RIM about the cost of purchasing the coverage and what coverage I'd have. If it isn't too much and I'd have at least medical and dental I'll go ahead and purchase the benefit coverage. I'm covered by Ian's benefits but as far as I'm concerned, the more coverage, the better, especially because I don't know what costs I'll have going forward.

Because today is sort of a "big day" I didn't just want to sit around and wallow; I wanted to do something. Luckily it was a gorgeous day, all sunny and warm and nice and bright and beautiful. So I went for an epic walk - a two-hour walk to the newer subdivision just west of here and back. I thought that I'd walked a huge distance, because I used to walk about 5km/h, but it turns out that I only walked about 8km. That's still a pretty good distance considering that I've only been walking since the spring and that I haven't been walking since before I went to Atlantic City.

It really does feel good to be outside. I love getting the fresh air and feeling the warm sun and breeze on my sunscreened face. Right now, the limiting factors to how long I can walk are that my feet get sore and it's hard to carry enough water. I need to buy new walking shoes so my feet don't hurt, which is no big deal - it's the water that's really limiting.

Today I carried about a liter of water and it was just enough for me; I probably could have used just a bit more. Right now I just carry the water in one hand and I have the cane in the other. Maybe I should get myself one of those camelbak backpack thingies so that I have a free hand while walking. It would be more comfortable and I think that I could carry more water, although Ian thinks it would look silly. I'll have to look into different water options because I don't see my walks getting shorter... at least until winter.

Better, definitely better

I wallowed in self-pity over my soon-to-be unemployed status for most of this afternoon, until I got bored. It seems that I can only take so much of my own self-pity before it annoys and bores me. That's good, right?

So I don't have a job, and I'm unemployed... I've still got a paycheck and a good life. Besides, I didn't love the company I no longer work for, so not being employed by them shouldn't be that big of a deal. it's time to move on.

I'm feeling less tired, too, and more like doing something. I think I might actually be healing from the surgery, finally. The incision looks good and there isn't too much swelling around it. If I stretch my neck too much, things feel weird and I start having trouble breathing. Weird, huh? I'll talk to the surgeon about it when I see him in a couple of weeks.

Now that I'm feeling more human and all, I think it's just about time to sew again! I've still got that dress - the one I started before my trip - to sew up, and I've got some other great fabrics that I want to make into great outfits. Or just plain things to wear, anyways; they don't have to be great. Either way, it's time to start doing something other than just sitting around.

Sleepy, sad day

I was one tired puppy today. Yesterday was emotionally exhausting for me and I'm still feeling emotionally fragile.

I did contact the company who contacted the insurance company and a severance package payout is not considered income so I'll be able to keep it all. It won't be that much but it's better than the nothing which I was expecting. I could use the money to buy ourselves a nice couch or two for our new house whenever we get that.

Yesterday I was also given the name and email of someone at RIM who works with the insurance company; I have the option of buying my benefits coverage from the insurance company at some reduced rate. The person I talked to yesterday said that she couldn't tell me what that rate was (it's confidential). If the rate isn't too high than we would definitely purchase the extra coverage.

Tonight the head person at Ian's work threw a big party because some big-shot at the company is receiving an honorary PhD this week. And someone else got some kind of award. They brought in some circus people to do tricks and stuff and fed us while we mingled. Sadly, it wasn't that warm outside; a thunderstorm had just come through, the grass was wet, and there was a very cold wind blowing. It was fun seeing the people from Ian's office; I haven't seen them since the Christmas party a few months ago.

Tomorrow my plan is to do nothing at all to just rest and get used to things. feel like I need the time. Ian doesn't really get why I'm so upset about the work thing, and intellectually I know that there's no real reason to be as upset as I am. It's just that I'm having trouble transitioning to being unemployed and it also sounds like the team is doing exactly what I though it to be doing way back when I was there. If I had just become unemployed or the team was changing I'd have an easier time of it, but both things together are really hard for me to deal with. I really wish I could be with the team going through these changes, you know? But I can't - I can't work, and in fact I'm unemployed.

So for the next little while, I feel like I need to lick my wounds and take care of myself. If this means that I wallow in self-pity for a little while, so be it. I just need the time to get used to this new situation.

Bye, RIM

I got all the RIM property I had together and returned it to my contact person today. She was very nice and apologized for surprising me with the phone call that they were terminating my employment. I apologized for freaking out the way that I did, too.

We had a lovely chat. It turns out that there are changes happening within my team, including that my boss is no longer managing the team. This is leading to lots of good things happening on the team and within the rest of the company. I still wish that I could return to work because the leadership and team they have now are working exactly the way I'd been working before. If I could work, I think I'd love it there now whereas before there was no way I could have worked there.

I will be receiving a severance payout in about a month. I forgot to ask whether the payout would work with my LTD benefit. Normally, LTD doesn't allow me to make income and if the severance package is considered income, I'd have to pay it all back to the insurance. I sent a message to the person I met with today to find out.

I felt so sad when I left the meeting, because it means that I really won't be going back to work, even though I still want to. I left the car at Ian's work and cried and cried and cried... I'm still crying. I don't feel rejected, exactly, but I do feel like I'm grieving and mourning for the life I had until recently. It's all real now that I won't go back to work. I've taken Ativan but I'm still crying so I figure that I'll take it easy the next few days and just be gentle with myself.

This and that

We did go to see a house yesterday that had a main floor master bedroom and a loft. The great room was gorgeous, as was the kitchen, but the main floor master bedroom was located right off of the great room, beside the kitchen. That would never work for us because we want the sleeping and living areas separate from each other.

There's a house for sale by owner that's very similar to the place we saw yesterday. I'd like to see it, but we don't know how to put in an offer on a house for sale by owner... or even if we'd want to do that.

I had a follow-up appointment with my regular surgeon this morning in Oakville and so I spent the night with Ian's parents. We ended up watching the Tony awards. I've watched a lot of award shows but never the Tonys - they were great! I loved the songs from the musicals and of course I loved the dresses :) The whole production felt so much more relaxed and upbeat than award shows lately. Plus the show managed to end just about on time, even if the acceptance speeches at the beginning were longer than those at the end.

Tomorrow I return my RIM property to the company and pick up my severance letter and stuff. I don't expect the appointment to take that long but I'm finding myself feeling a bit sad about the relationship with the company coming to an end. I didn't always like it there - ok, I really hated some things there - but I felt more secure being employed. And some part of me has thought that I'd go back to work, that I'd be well enough to go back. I still feel that way... but now, if I ever actually feel like I could work, I don't have anywhere to go back to.

They accepted my article

The article thingy I wrote has been accepted for the newsletter. I figured it would be accepted no matter what since they asked me at the last minute to write something for them and I don't think they had much in the way of a backup plan. Everyone who has read my article liked it.

I have a sense that what I gave them wasn't exactly what they thought they were going to get, however. They've all said that they were surprised by how open and honest I was in the article. I was asked to write about what the place means to me so I wrote about how, by participating in their programs, I've learned that I need not define myself by my cancer and that I've become happier as a result.

I wonder if they wanted something more about how awesome one or another program is, or if they wanted it to be all about them instead of about me and them. I don't know. I figured they wanted something that would make the place appeal to new people, which is why I didn't wax poetic about their programs. Instead, I described in a general way how their programs and activities helped me realize that I do not have to define myself by my cancer and how I've been happier as a result.

I tell you, writing can be exhausting! I slept late yesterday and had a huge nap this afternoon. I guess I'm not used to working like this anymore :) I haven't done formal writing for so long that it took me much longer to get that article written than it should have. At least I'm pretty well done with it. All I need to do is to go in on Monday to have them take my picture for the newsletter and to sign a release form. What a lot of work!

On the bright side, today was the first day of spring, although I wouldn't have known it watching the snow come down this morning :) Almost all of the snow we've had has melted and I hope we're leaving the snow and cold behind us. I'm looking forward to some warmer weather.

Looks like I'm going to be unemployed

I got a letter from my employer Research In Motion (RIM) today. Because my insurance company changed my claim type from "own job" to "any job" (meaning I can't work any job) in September, 2008 and changed my claim to "total disability" in December, 2009, the company I work for is terminating my employment as of June 18, 2010. My long-term disability payments will go on until I'm dead or 65, whichever comes first, but all my other benefits will end as of June 18.

They'd called me last week to tell me this and I asked them to please send me something in writing... so they did. My first thought was to contact a lawyer to see what my rights were and to see if I had any other choices, but I'm wondering now if it's worth spending my energy to do this.

It's just that when I look at this from the company's perspective, what they're doing makes sense, even though it sucks for me personally. My doctors and the insurance company have said that I'll never work again, so if there's no chance that I'd go back to any job there, why would they keep me employed? And they've certainly given me lots of notice. I did a quick scan of various legal acts and it doesn't seem like they've done anything wrong.

The fact that the company has done something they're allowed to do doesn't change the fact that it's kind of a crappy thing for them to do. It sucks and it's very upsetting. I cried for hours after they called me last week and I slept the entire afternoon today after receiving the letter.

I'd like to think that I don't define myself by my work or my occupation anymore, but the prospect of being unemployed is still upsetting. I guess I never expected this to happen; I expected that the company would continue to provide medial/dental benefits as long as I lived... especially given the fact that my life will be shortened by the cancer.

So even though I understand why they're choosing to terminate my employment, I think it's a crappy thing for them to do. Seriously, would it have killed them to keep me employed and to provide me with benefits until I die? Would it have cost them that much? They've spent more on any one of their damn patent disputes than they have on benefits for an employee.

F*ck you, RIM.

Thankfully, I'm not without options. I'm covered under Ian's benefits. I can also purchase benefits from the group benefit insurance provider, or I could apply for provincial benefits.

What it means for me to not be working

I met up with a friend about an hour's drive away from here for lunch. It was a lot of fun - she's about my age and has bone mets like me. Of course there are differences, but we have some things in common. Both of us are on long-term disability, for example, and both of us struggle with the fact that we're not working.

You'd think that after two and a half years of not working, I'd have reconciled myself to not working again... but I can't. Not yet.

I grew up thinking that work is extremely important and that no matter how I felt - no matter how sick or hungover or tired I was - I would go to work and I would do the best job I could while I was there. This work ethic was very strongly ingrained in me, so much so that the fact that I'm not currently working feels like I'm not living up to my own internal code of ethics. By not working, I also feel like I'm a non-productive member of society. I suppose these feelings are partly rooted in thinking that I don't have anything to offer society except my work. That's silly, though, isn't it? I *know* I'm a valuable person. And yet some days I feel as though my value is wasted by not working, if that makes sense.

Reconciling myself to not working again would mean that I'd have to find a different way to contribute to society, or find a different definition of a contributor. I'd also have to change my definition of work to something more suiting my present conditions (so far, I've been unable to do that). Of course I have no idea how to make those changes and so I'm guessing that it would require some, well, work. :)

As well, reconciling myself to not working again would mean that I'd have to give that idea completely, whereas right now I have hope (misguided or not) that I *could* possibly, maybe, go back to work. I don't know if I'm ready to give that up yet. Part of me still very much wants to be "normal" with my work ethics and my going to work every day. Right now, admitting that I couldn't go back to even that level of normal feels like admitting (succumbing?) to failure - that I couldn't do it, or that maybe I didn't try hard enough. I think I'm not at all ready for that.

The Olympics!

The Olympics started today. I didn't wake up for the very first airing of the opening ceremonies but it was shown quite a few times today. The ceremonies were gorgeous and brilliantly executed. I found myself staring at the tv, absolutely rapt with wonder at a few of the things they did - like when they lifted the rings up, or the dancers in glo-suits, or the dancers on the ball, or any number of other gorgeous displays. I also loved the happy-face fireworks :) If you haven't seen the opening ceremonies up until the parade of nations, then try and watch it. It's definitely worth seeing. I expect we'll be watching as much of the Olympics as possible over the next couple of weeks.

A small note about work - if I were to go back, I would start off as part-time and work my way back to full-time. The company I work for doesn't want permanent part-time employees on its payroll so I couldn't do that forever (or I'd have to find another company to work for - not that I'd necessarily mind that). Unfortunately, I'm not ready even for part-time there just now.

Someone told me that I should stay off work until I'd had 30 good days in a row. For me, a good day is getting up in the morning, doing stuff, and staying awake all day until bedtime, when I go to sleep quickly - even when I'm upset about something or if something bad has happened, although it wouldn't apply if I were sick. I've had lots and lots of those good days but over the last couple of months but definitely not 30 of them and certainly not 30 in a row.

Ian also figures that I'm pretty happy doing the things I do with patterns and whatnot and he's right there. At some point, all of that is going to get pretty boring because it'll stop being a challenge and at that point he figures that I'll be much, much closer to being able to work. This summer is really the first time that I've been able to do reasonably complicated things - where I feel that I have to actually think about stuff. And it's a good idea to get used to thinking critically and doing reasonably complicated tasks before going back to work.

Finally! I think I'm better

The fever broke yesterday and I think that the headache left today. After three days of almost continuous sleeping, I'm finally feeling better. I'm still a bit tired but I think that's ok. A lot of the sleep I've had hasn't been good quality sleep because it's been feverish or headachy and so I'll need to catch up on my good sleep.

This latest illness has got me to thinking about work again. When I'm feeling healthy and together, I love the idea of going back to work. But over the last month I haven't felt healthy and I've been very glad that I haven't been working because I know that I couldn't handle it. I want to think I'd be able to work but I suspect that I'm not quite there yet. So I won't be going back to work in the fall. I do hope to go back eventually but I'm not going to set a deadline for that just yet as I don't want to push myself.

A very, very happy day

I saw my oncologist today. As we knew, my test results are very good. It turns out that there are some tiny, tiny sclerotic lesions on my left pelvic bone that showed up on the CT 6 months ago as well, but we looked at the latest CT scan and didn't see anything. So if there is anything there, it's so tiny that it's hardly worth mentioning. Also, the lesions are sclerotic, which my oncologist says means that the bone is being built up by the bisphosphonate. We agreed to not worry about the lesions we couldn't see. And of course we also know that the bone scan was clear.

I asked my oncologist about the rash I'd had but she didn't know of any weird interaction between fentanyl and Pamidronate. She was going to check with the pharmacist whether there's any known interaction there. I see my family doctor this week and I'll talk to him about it, too.

One of the things that I said to my oncologist was that I've been stable on one treatment for two years and that I figured I would have a "good run" - meaning that I expect to live for a while yet. I know that past performance doesn't predict future performance, but with only one bone affected, chances are good that I'll be around for a while. My oncologist agreed!!!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!



I know I haven't talked about this much here, but I'm still thinking of returning to work. I'm feeling so much better and so much more on the ball - I feel like I really get things again!!!! - and I'm worried that that I will get bored sewing and making jewelry all day. I can feel the itch to do more and to be working again, and when I think about it I'm excited, not scared. So I talked my oncologist about the possibility of returning to work and she fully supports the idea; she said that she has patients that work if they want to. She also said that if it turns out that it's too much for me at any time, she'd write a note saying that I couldn't work for medical reasons. This is a huuuuuge relief because it gives me an exit strategy (unlike, say, the war in Iraq).



I haven't made a final decision about returning to work, of course, and I won't do that for a couple of months or so. The idea will be staying in the back of my head, though.

To top off all of this awesome news, a pattern I bought last week arrived today! It's this one and I love it because of the square neckline and curved belt. I'm going to make a version with short sleeves and a straight skirt first and then possibly one with a fuller skirt. I can hardly wait!

Now they want me back?

I had lunch with my work team today. It was interesting - it's nice to see people and talking to them gives me some insight into how things are going there. There have been some management changes and the department is reporting to someone new which will bring some changes.

Several people asked me to come back to work soon because they really need me. I've been gone two years, and they really need me now? Hmmm. How bad are things, exactly? Pretty bad, I think. The trouble is, if it's that bad there, how stressful would it be to go back? I love doing the type of work that I did there - I really, really, really do - but I don't know whether I can go back to that environment.

It's as though there's a lot of wall-building going on; people on that team have built walls around their sandbox and won't help anyone build their own sandbox, let alone walls around it. Moreover, when asked to do something, if it's outside their sandbox, they'll do exactly as they're told, without thinking for themselves, or they'll do it badly, or they'll do it late because they don't want to even know that there are other sandboxes. They keep their eyes down, looking at only their own sandboxes and toys.You know?

That sort of viewpoint was there when I left and it was a major source of stress for me then. The work I do on that team - the work the whole team does - is basically a service to other departments. I always felt that once my sandbox was built, I would build bridges to other sandboxes and help people build their own sandboxes, too. I also felt that I would look around and see if people could use help before their walls came down on top of mine (or their sandboxes got overrun by ants that would head to my sandbox) - in other words, before they're problems affected me.

Since my views on how to interact with the people outside the team were diametrically opposed to my manager's view, we had a number of conflicts (some degenerating into screaming matches - I'm not proud of responding that way, but there you are. I was extremely stressed). Those conflicts and having to conform to something that I strongly feel is a wrong approach is very stressful. I'm getting stressed even thinking about it!

Who knows, though.... maybe by the time I'm ready to work things will be different. And if not, well, hopefully there will be something else for me somewhere. It's a big company.

The work never ends

The bag is almost done - I have to finish the last seam and make the shoulder pad. I could stay up late tonight but I'd rather be well-rested and do it tomorrow. It'll take less time.

I've been thinking a lot and I have decided that I'm going to go back to work in the fall, assuming that my scans next month come out fine. I've got a lot more energy and I'm finding myself less tired than I used to be, now that I'm mostly switched over to the Fentanyl. I figure that I would be easing into work anyway, but over the summer I'll practice getting up at a work-time (instead of between 10am and 2pm) and doing stuff. Like clean the house or do the dishes :)

Anyways, I'll make a final decision after I get my test results back at the end of June. I want to go back to work and the thought doesn't fill me with dread but a sort of excitement.

Almost normal

I was up very early today as I had a dentist's appointment. My teeth are nice and shiny clean again :) I managed to stay awake until just after supper when I had to sleep for an hour or so; this tells me that I'm not quite ready for a normal life just yet.

Of course I may have been extra tired because I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up and I was thinking a lot about my dad so it was harder to get back to sleep. As well, I'm trying to reduce my Oxycontin intake and I think I'm running into withdrawl symptoms - woogly back and hot flashes - which wake me in the middle of the night.

So maybe I'll get to have a normal life if I can sleep like normal people. At least I got some stuff done during the day today. I'll tell you, the thought that my cancer has stabilized - which we won't know until I get my scan results at the end of June - is quite exciting. I'd like to think that if I really am stable and I can be normal, that I might work again. What an odd feeling.

How much I've changed

I went to my Spirituality and Healing group this afternoon for the first time in three weeks. We talked about letting go of things - like anger, or being control-freaky, or whatever. I told them about how, when I was working, I could be quite mean and callous; that I didn't give the people I worked with enough credit for being themselves and for having their own talents, and that I expected everything to be done my way. I've changed a lot in the last year and a half and I know that I'm more patient, compassionate, and forgiving than I was before.

Anyways, as I was saying all this today it struck me that one of the main reasons that I want to go back to work is to show people just how much I've changed. I guess I want to show other people that I'm not the person that I was and that I can still get as much done and be as efficient while also being a better person. One person in particular bore the brunt of that and I've apologized to that person for the way I behaved.... and I think I also want to apologize to other people as well, you know? But the only way I can really apologize is by showing people that I'm different. I can SAY I'm different, but, well, saying so doesn't make it so.

I don't expect that I'll work again. If it turns out that I don't have liver mets, there is a chance that I might get to work. If I have liver mets, well, I won't be working again.

I'll let you all know how things went after the appointment tomorrow. Ian and I have decided that we're hoping that I have some kind of liver infection and not liver mets.

This and that

Because I stayed up really, really late to finish the bag, I have quite a sleep deficit now. I ended up sleeping a LOT today; 14 hours last night and then another 2 today. We're going to bed now and I expect to sleep 12-14 hours tonight as well.

I found out today that I was approved for CPP disability. Sigh. I'd kind of hoped to be not approved, you know? I can't even say why - although the fact that it's taxable and my LTD payments (which will be lessened by the amount of the CPP) isn't is certainly a factor. In many ways, being on CPP disability seems so final because the government is involved. Now it's like the whole disability thing takes on gigantic proportions, and I'd rather just tuck my illness away, thank you.

This afternoon I went to a Qi-Gong class over at Hopespring. It was interesting. We'd done Qi Gong during the retreat in June and I found it relaxing. At the end of the class I had to leave and the instructor made her way over to me to give me a big long hug. I thought that that was kind of strange. Do I look like someone who needs a ginormous hug like that from someone I've only known for 90 minutes? :)

Tomorrow we plan to go and watch the Silvermasters (our old dragonboat team) paddle in their hometown Stratford event. It's the last race they do in the season and we'd like to watch them and hang out there for a bit.

A full Friday the 13th

There is no cancer in my liver. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy about this. I'd had a funny feeling in my liver and I was worried, but I guess there's probably something wrong with my stomach or something.

IU also talked to my oncologist and I think it went really well. I approached it from the standpoint of "we never really got off on the right foot; I love your compassion and caring and I need that as well as more technical information." I also apologized for behaving angrily last time. I felt really comfortable afterwards - at least I feel like I can talk to her if I need more from her or need a lot of technical stuff. She is going to give me copies of all of my test results and I got all of my tumour markers. I'm good with that.

Because I had radiation two weeks ago, the cancer cells are dying off and sending out the protein that the tumour markers check (this is called "tumour flare"), so the markers will be high right now. We're going to wait until the end of August to do the tumour markers again. I'll be able to call and get the results in early September; they're setting that up for me. I'll my oncologist again in three months (October?). If my tumour markers are up again in August I guess we'll do them again and see. If they're up then, well, something is going on. I don't think that'll happen, though - I really think that my condition is stable.

My pain is really going down; I feel like a completely new person now. I feel a LOT more energized and able to do things. For the first time in a long, long time I feel like I could actually do work. And I'm excited, even, at the thought of working (which hasn't happened in a long time). I think that I'm going to try to go back at some point, either in the fall or in January.

The insurance company sent me the application for CPP disability benefits. Sigh. I don't even know if I qualify - I have to have worked for some number of years prior to the disability, and I don't know if I've worked that amount because of all the coop stuff.

I'm not going to think about any of that, though, because tomorrow we're going on vacation!!!!!! We're all packed up except for our last-minute toiletries and computer stuff and the car is loaded up. Tomorrow we'll get up, pack the last stuff and hit the road. We hope to make it to Scranton in time for the coal mine tours :)

Struck with longing

The cancer centre hasn't called with my appointment times yet for the bloodwork or bone scan. I called this afternoon and tried to find out what was going on, but all they said was that it can take a couple of days to get a bone scan appointment. I hope that they will have my appointment times tomorrow.

I had to pick someone up from the airport today but the flight was late, so I had a bit of a chance to wander around. Toronto Pearson airport has some very nice artwork. There's a gallery on the mezzanine level, even. The last time I was there the display was all about the development of the telephone. Today, they had Contemporary Art from Toronto artists. The pieces were so beautiful.

One artist, Gillian Batcher, had taken silver wire and woven it into little balls of wire (using knitting and crocheting to close it, I think). I looked and looked and looked and I'm pretty sure that the original weave is lino weave. I was really impressed with myself for recognizing and remembering that weave! There were other artists that used greeting cards as a medium for fine art; in this way, beautiful pieces of art can be available to everyone at a reasonable cost.

So many of the artists had studied things like metalwork or glassblowing or wirework or textiles or whatever in colleges in Toronto. When I realized that it was possible to study all of these techniques - even to do a master's in some of them - I was struck with a fierce longing to go and do the same time. I would love so much to be able to study these things. My heart is in crafts and textiles, and I want to go and fully immerse myself in that. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to do this while on LTD. :(

Speaking of LTD, my insurance company called today to update their records. I don't fully understand; I'm signed off until September 2008 at present. I don't completely get why they need to call me every three months and find out how I'm doing?