Hello again

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I don't know why I haven't been writing here. Well, I was sick with stomach problems due to long-term Celebrex usage coupled with short-term Naproxen use. The Naproxen was a bad choice on my part but it worked so well to deal with pain and I'd been on the Celebrex for so long that I think I thought I was invulnerable to possible stomach damage. Stomach damage is, of course, a side effect of long-term Celebrex usage - it shows up in something like 25% of people who take Celebrex for a long time like I did.

So I had terrible stomach pain for quite some time. My family doctor put me on Dexilant, which helped somewhat, and later on Zantac, which helped a lot. Now my stomach feels all right most of the time - unless I eat too much or eat something too spicy.

After I went on Zantac, I somehow messed up my other medications and forgot to take my Cipralex (aka lexapro - an SSRI antidepressant). After maybe a month of not taking it, I started experiencing severe anxiety and depression. I had a hard time leaving the house because I became overwhelmed whenever there were people around. I found myself descending that spiral of depression, where I thought I was worthless and untalented and that every creative idea I had was pedestrian and uncreative and ugly.

It didn't help, either, that I was experiencing this terrible depression and anxiety just before the five-year anniversary date of my mom's suicide. I was a mess.

Fortunately, I went back on the antidepressant about a week before that anniversary date and started feeling better right away. It's taken a while to feel like myself again but I'm getting there now.

There's doctors appointments and whatnot to talk about - things are going well on that front, don't worry - but that'll be all for now.

My visit with my new nephew

I just got home yesterday after spending almost two weeks in Manchester with my sister, her husband, and their new baby Warwick. I had a wonderful time; much better than I expected to have.

In the past I've had mixed feelings about babies, including thoughts of irrational rage towards them, and even though I've had quite a bit of therapy to deal with those thoughts and feelings, I was worried that they would resurface. As it turns out, the therapy has done me quite a lot of good, and I didn't have any of those thoughts or feelings. In fact, I loved spending time with Warwick! I loved cuddling him, standing and rocking back and forth, showing him the window (his favourite thing to look at), and snuggling with him while he slept.

In fact, I was happy to take him anytime so that his mom and dad could do stuff like work or shower. I was quite proud of my ability to put him to sleep and read his facial expressions to figure out how to position him so that he was comfortable and could look at something he liked (aka the window). I don't actually think this is a special ability but I'm someone who had never spent any time at all around babies and didn't know much other than to make sure his head was supported when I held him. So anything that resulted in him not crying was a win as far as I'm concerned. And the fact that I could reproduce that win over and over was something I'm proud of.

I really enjoyed spending time with Chris (Vicki's husband) as well, and getting to know him. I'd only met him the one time before, at their wedding, and I didn't really know him. Getting to spend some one-on-one time with him and listening to him talk about the things he was passionate about was a part of the visit that I really enjoyed.

One thing I also noticed while I was there was how completely, utterly comfortable and at home I felt while I was there, both in the city and at my sister's place. The city reminds me very much of Edmonton, where I grew up, at while I was at my sister's flat I felt like I had returned to the familiarity of my childhood - but better, because it was without all the tension and trauma that were the hallmarks of our childhood. It was so comfortable and so warm and so wonderful.

Leaving to come to my actual home was really hard. I felt like I was leaving home, and I'm homesick now. And while I missed Gozer and Ian while I was gone, I wasn't homesick for them the way I usually am when I travel. I'm happy to be home but I feel like I left my other home to come here, if that makes sense.

Now for some pictures of me with Warwick!

The garden

This last week as I've been working in the garden, I've developed an appreciation and admiration for my sister who works in a commercial bakery. I spend a couple of hours on successive days working in the garden and I'm achy and stiff and sore and ready to stop, whereas my sister works on her feet lifting and moving and weighing things all day every day and has done for years. I'm in awe of her ability to keep doing this work because I'm quite wiped out.

I got the front garden done over the weekend; I planted some verbana, petunias, begonias, and a New Guinea impatiens (the regular impatiens is not available here because it just keeps dying). The flowers are all very similar shades of pink. Although there were other colours I liked, I chose this pink because it's most visible from far away. Ian thinks it's too much pink that's too similar but the flowers and foliage are all different and there's hostas in there to add colour, too. I think it's going to be lovely when everything fills in.

I spent yesterday working in the vegetable patch digging out some grass that had encroached on the patch, clearing out strawberries that had encroached on the patch and the path, clearing out raspberry runners as I see them, adding new soil to the patch, transplanting peppers, and planting some seeds. And pulling veronica weeds from the lawn; they're starting to flower and go to seed and there's quite enough of it in the lawn, thank you.

I still have quite a lot of work ahead of me. I went into a garden centre the other day just to look around and came out with rather a lot of perennials. We have an area at the back of the property that has been taken over by weeds and we want to put non-grass groundcover there so I bought 60 plants for there: 24 thyme, 12 irish and 12 spanish moss, and 12 of something else. Ian is going to help plant those this weekend.

Today I'd planned to plant the other perennials I bought: some more coneflowers to balance out the black-eyed susans, some stonecrop sedum, and a beardtongue (penstemon). Oh, and some hen-and-chicks sedum, which might go in the front, maybe, or in some rocks by the path by the waterfall in the back. I also need to plant the annuals that Ian's mom gave me, which include some red petunias, some zinnias, different kinds of asarina, and some salvia, as well as some pink begonias left over from the front.

However, I decided that I was physically exhausted and needed to rest more than I needed to plant so I did nothing at all. I keep discovering muscles that hurt - I understand why my back might hurt but how does my stomach get sore? And where did those muscles on my arms come from? I do feel better after getting some more sleep and soaking in a couple of hot baths but I'm nowhere near back to my regular self. The plants will be fine for a few more days before I get them into the ground, I think (hope). If I was my sister my garden would be done by now.

My mom's birthday

It would have been my mom's 66th birthday today and I still find myself missing her terribly. Our lilacs are blooming; they were her favourite flower and they remind me so much of her.

As the years pass I wonder when she would have died had she not killed herself. When would I have had to mourn her anyway, by now? Her mom (my grandmother, or Baba, as we called her) lived until she was 84, but she didn't have COPD like my mom did. And if she had mental illnesses, they weren't like my mom's - Baba had lived on her own for years before she was married and she had lived in her house for years before she moved into the home and later died. I don't think my mom loved being on her own in the same way I think Baba did; I think my mom was most comfortable with my dad and was very lonely. I imagine that she must have thought of all these years stretching out ahead of her and being unable to face them alone and lonely.

So would I be mourning and missing her now this year? If she hadn't killed herself when she did, I expect she'd have done it by now unless things changed dramatically for her. I don't think she'd have stayed alive until she died of natural causes so it's possible that I'd be mourning her now. There's something so sad about that, and also something oddly comforting. It's like time has caught up to me now, if that makes sense.

Although I still love my mom and I miss her, she lives on in my memories and my heart. Happy birthday, mom.

Our trip to the UK

We just got back on Wednesday from our three-week trip to the UK. We made the trip because my youngest sister got (re)married and we wanted to be there to see it. I'm very happy that we went because I really wanted to be a part of the day with my sister.  Also, my sister's new husband has a huge family and they were all there for the wedding (they live in the UK so it was easier for them to get there); our family is really small in comparison and not everyone could make it so we, along with my sister's daughter, represented our entire family.

I cried through the whole wedding. I usually cry at weddings - that's just who I am - but this time I was crying in part because our parents weren't there. I really felt the loss of both my parents that day and even now as I write this, tears are coming to my eyes. I guess it isn't surprising that I'd miss my parents so much during a big life event but it took me by surprise.

The wedding was beautiful. My sister and her groom were radiant in their wedding finery and the ceremony was very touching. It was held at the registry office and they had the most beautiful vows! The reception was at a local pub which was fun because it was relaxed and casual. 

It's hard to summarize a three-week trip to another place, especially since we spent time in so many places, but I'll try. We spent our first few days in London near Westminster Bridge and the London Eye. We didn't ride the Eye but I did see Westminster Abbey (it's old and full of the dead), the British Museum (Vikings!!! the actual Rosetta Stone!!!), the V&A museum (beautiful jewellery and clothes and ironwork), the Tower of London (Crown Jewels and old buildings), and parts of central London (full of more tourists than Londoners).

From there we went to Manchester to spend a few days there for the wedding. It reminded me very much of Edmonton for some reason. We didn't do as much touristy stuff there because we spent a lot of time with my sister, her daughter (and I wouldn't have it any other way), and her new husband. I hadn't met my sister's husband before this trip so it was good to spend time with him. He's a very nice guy (with musical talent!) and it's clear that he and my sister love each other very much and are happy together. We spent some time shopping in the central part of the city and around where my sister lives and spending time at her flat. We did see the Manchester Cathedral, which was neat. On one of the days we went to Hope in Peak's Park where we tramped through sheep fields to a couple of caverns (Treak and Speedwell).

Then we were on our way to Scotland: a night in Glasgow and then up to Fort William, where we took the Jacobite train (aka the Harry Potter train) to Mallaig. This was a steam train (they provided the trains used in the Harry Potter movies) and it went over a famous viaduct. At Mallaig we saw seagulls nesting! 

After the steam train we headed down to Edinburgh. I took a day off there, which I shouldn't have done, because it meant that we couldn't go back to Glasgow. We did see Edinburgh castle (very old, lovely crown jewels - called Honours, and lots of people), the outside of the Scott Monument (I didn't want to climb the 286 steps to the top), and we hiked up Arthur's seat. 

We spent some time in nearby North Berwick at the Scottish Seabird Centre. That was an amazing place! They have cameras set up on the nearby nesting islands so that visitors can look around and see the birds. We also took a boat out near the islands to see the birds up-close. It smelled really bad but it was so amazing to see these nesting birds (mostly gannets but also a variety of gulls as well as puffins!!!!) cover these islands. On our last day there we went over to Falkirk to see the Falkirk Wheel, which is a super-cool replacement for a series of canal locks.

We spent our last night back in London and did absolutely nothing of note because we were tired and it was raining. And then we came home.

A word about our flights: they were both delayed. On the way out, we were delayed about an hour because one of the doors wasn't showing that it was closed. Just after we took off there was a medical emergency on board and we diverted to Halifax so that the person could get proper medical treatment. We ended up landing about an hour and a half late which worked out well because we got into our hotel room right away.

On the way home, the flight was also late. At some point the plane type was changed from a 63-row 777 to a 40-something-row 777 but no one knew that until they got to the gate... and the intercom system wasn't working. So the passengers would get in line to board but about 20% of them discovered that their seat assignments weren't valid, so they had to go and stand in another line to get reassigned and then they had to stand in line to board again. It was a major mess that could have been avoided. We flew Air Canada both ways and I can't help but think that they'd have been able to handle this situation so much better.

We traveled throughout the UK on the train, which gave us a chance to see much of the countryside. It was beautiful. I had no idea that rhododendrons grow wild in the UK, but they do, and they were blooming while we were there. Bluebells were also blooming, as were gorse (related to broom plants), and ferns were unfurling. It was really beautiful countryside. 

This trip, like the one we took to Atlantic Canada, could only be like a tasting menu; we had to pick and choose what we saw. We couldn't possibly have seen everything because there's thousands of years of history there and it would take years to see it all. I guess we did see a lot but I wanted to see more. In my head I could do more but it turns out that I can't do that much. It seems that I have a fairly strict two-hour limit on activities that involve being on my feet and that I need at least two (and preferably four) hours of recovery time after that. This meant that I just couldn't do as much as I wanted to; fortunately, Ian did end up seeing a few things without me so he wasn't completely held back by me. 

We had a wonderful time on our trip but we were very happy to come home. I missed Gozer very much (she was with Ian's parents while we were gone and was happy there after an initial settling-in period) and I get tired of being away from home. I'm thrilled we could go and spend the time there and that we were able see my sister get married. I'm very happy for her and my new brother-in-law.

It's been a tough month

This last month has been tough. My friend Steph C's death left me devastated because it was so unexpected. It really was. Normally I have an idea about when someone is getting really close to the end because of the things that happen to them; the decline is there if I want to see it (and I almost always would rather bury my head in the sand), so the end, even if it happens quickly, is something I'm kind of expecting. Knowing that it's coming means I can sort of be ready when it happens; I'll still grieve, but it's a different kind of grief.

With Steph there was no decline at all. She had developed new mets, just like before, and was going for the liver biopsy to find out whether or not her tumour had changed. Apparently during the biopsy, Steph's hepatic artery burst and she died. About 1 in 10-12000 die because of the liver biopsy and there's just no way to prepare for that when it happens to someone you know. The kind of grief I felt was different than usual because I had to process the suddenness of the event. I imagine people whose loved ones are killed in accidents feel a similar type of grief - and of course that kind of grief is there when someone dies by suicide.

Compounding my grief over Steph was what would have been my mom's 65th birthday a few days later. Big grief events always seem to remind me of my mom and dad... it's like I feel the grief for them all over again. The grief for my mom and dad come up during different anniversary days. Some are more significant than others: my mom's 65th birthday would have been a major event even though now I don't know how things would have changed.

On top of all that was Father's Day. It's been five years since my dad died and I still miss him. I didn't do much for my dad for the day but I'd call him and we'd chat for a bit and I miss that.

So all of that grief and sadness all combined together to take me out for the last month. It's just been so overwhelming. I ended up seeing my psychologist early, which helped because I could talk it all out.

I also went to Steph's memorial service/celebration of life in St. Louis this past weekend. Going to that really helped because I was able to have some closure around her death. Being around so many other people who loved her and lost her was cathartic for me. I cried the whole time, of course, but I knew it was going to happen and I brought lots of tissue with me.

I think I'm feeling better now, or at least not quite so sad and devastated. I think next month is going to be much better.

Small changes on the way

We bought a new dryer to replace our old one and it'll be delivered on Thursday. We'd hoped to get a dryer that matched our washer, which we bought when we moved into the house. Unfortunately, while the style of dryer is still available, the colour we have ("night sky blue") has been discontinued. We didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for dryers so our choices were between getting a matching style but a non matching colour or the upgraded version of our current dryer.

We ended up getting the updated version of our current dryer because it has a hamper door. This means it opens downward and can be used as a platform for sorting laundry. We love this door because some of our tops have to be hung up to dry and we can plop the laundry on the door and pull those ones out. Our washer and dryer are in the mudroom coming in from the garage and trying to sort the laundry straight out of the washer ends up with laundry all over the dirty floor.

In other news, I'm an Auntie again! Ian's brother and his wife had a baby girl on Tuesday. It's quite exciting to have a little person in the extended family.

Happy new year!

Happy New Year! May this year bring you happiness, good health, and prosperity.

I got away from writing in my blog every day in 2012. I'm not exactly sure why or how that happened; a lot of the time I was withdrawing into myself and didn't feel like writing. Even if I did feel like writing, I didn't think I had all that much to say. Looking back over the preceding years, I prefer reading my daily posts over my once-in-a-while posts as there's more continuity and I have a better sense of how things were going for me.

Over the last year and a half I've really been struggling to stay grounded and halfway normal. The depression I've lived with for most of my life got a lot worse and during the summer of 2011 when I started to hear a voice in my head telling to kill myself, I knew it was time to get help. My psychologist has been extremely helpful in uncovering the reasons behind some of my thinking and figuring out ways to deal with stuff.

For example, it turns out that the voices in my head were developed during my childhood when they served a protective function for me. It also turns out that I spent parts of my childhood not exactly there and that I dissociated whenever things were too much for me. When I first realized that I'd coped in these ways I was a little taken aback because those coping methods are considered mental illnesses in some circles. The idea that I wasn't just struggling with depression but a larger mental illness scared and humbled me.

One other issue we've discovered is that I also had some rage issues towards children: when I saw babies or toddlers on tv or in person, especially if they were happy or laughing, I'd feel overwhelmingly angry towards them. I also felt that anger when children were having a temper tantrum or were behaving badly. It turns out that because my childhood wasn't great and was lacking in childlike joys, I was jealous of happy children... and I wanted the unhappy children to be quiet.

By identifying where these issues have had their roots and establishing ways of dealing with them, I've been able to work through a lot. Some of the ways that I've been working through stuff is by identifying what I'm actually feeling - not what I think I'm feeling, but my actual feelings - and naming it, as well as journaling and doing things that I find soothing, like spending time in the garden or whatever. I haven't been comfortable sharing all of this stuff because until I could process all of it. It's also hard to talk about the fact that I've got some mental illnesses going on because it's kind of scary and there's such a stigma against it.

I tell you, dealing with the mess that was my childhood and my more recent mental illness and then learning new ways of dealing with everything takes a lot of energy. I've spent hardly any time doing anything - let alone anything creative - because I've been so focused on making things better for me. I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner now, however. Even though I still have a ways to go and I'm not all the way better, I feel like I've passed through the worst and come out the other side, ready to be the me I've worked so hard to develop.

This is going to be a great year for me, I think.

On my way to Edmonton tomorrow

I'm heading out to Edmonton tomorrow morning for Christmas for the first time in quite a few years. It's going to be strange, not being with Ian's family after spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them for so many years but we'll exchange presents when I get back next week.

I'm going for Christmas so that the bulk of my visit will overlap with my sister's visit in Edmonton. She moved to England a few months ago and this will be her first visit back since she moved. Having moved far away from Edmonton (although not as far as she's moved) myself, I know how stressful it can be to be away and come back. I hope that I can help make her time in Edmonton less stressful.

I get to see my friends in Edmonton this time around, too, and I'm very excited about that. I haven't seen some of them in a long time and I'm looking forward to catching up with them. I'm being careful not to overdo it each day while I'm there so that I don't end up exhausted while I'm there.

I would have stayed in Edmonton even longer but I end up missing Gozer too much. Of course I miss Ian, too, but I can email him and call him on the phone. Gozer doesn't understand how to work phones and she's not so good with the email because she can't type. I spend so much of my time with her that it's weird to not have her nearby and I imagine she feels much the same way. I am leaving things that smell like me so she'll be able to sleep on my scent.

I won't be posting much while I'm away (not that I post much these days anyways) so don't be alarmed if you don't see a Merry Christmas post. I'll be back before the new year, however.

I know I should have posted this before but we did put a little costume on Gozer on Halloween and I wanted to share the pictures with you. Enjoy!

Really? Do I have to do this?

Thinking about my mom

My mom killed herself two years ago yesterday. She took the pills that killed her on December 1, her's and my dad's wedding anniversary, and then died on December 2 in the early morning. She was found later that morning or early that afternoon by someone who'd come to check on her.

Last year, I missed my mother so much on this date... I wished she hadn't killed herself and I was very sad that she was dead. This year was different: I found myself thinking about what that last day must have been like for her and how she must have felt before deciding to die. I know that I can never really know what was going through her head but for the first time I felt myself looking at things through her eyes and imagining what it was like. I talked this through with my psychologist today and this helped find the words to express these thoughts.

My mom must have been so sad and so lonely. She'd been mentally ill for years and years but had been stable when my dad died in 2008. She spent almost two years after that in the place where they'd lived but she was having trouble living on her own. She dissociated a couple of times and "came to" not knowing what had happened, which is very scary (if you've ever been in a drug- or alcohol-induced blackout, you'll understand how scary that can be). Then she came down with some kind of respiratory infection and became very, very sick; she had COPD already, and she was so sick that she couldn't think to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital.

After that episode, she knew she couldn't be completely on her own any more, so she moved into a light assisted living bachelor apartment in the other tower of her complex. She took two meals a day with other residents and someone would look in on her each day. She never really loved it there; it was different, and she didn't like the people with whom she ate her two meals. She was never much of a conformist and she didn't much like being around people so this was no surprise, but I think it left her feeling alone and lonely. And maybe even a bit angry at being left out, as odd as that sounds. Her daughters weren't reaching out to her and she didn't reach out to them because all those years of mental illness had scarred us all.

In the fall of that year, mom got a new psychiatrist. She'd been with her previous psychiatrist for years and didn't like the new one at all. He wanted to change her treatment, which she didn't like, and she also didn't like him personally. Most specifically, she din't like his shoes, which were very trendy. At the time, I didn't understand how she felt but I think now she felt he was young, that he was railroading her, and that he didn't respect her as a patient or as a person.

So she was sad, alone, and lonely, and angry, and resentful, and she felt like she didn't belong, and she had no support network. I think she'd experienced these emotions for years without killing herself but on the anniversary of her marriage, I think she'd finally had enough and decided that it was time to go. I think she couldn't bear the pain of living any more - and that for her, suicide wasn't a permanent solution to a temporary problem, as some describe suicide, but permanent solution to a problem that she'd endured for years.

I think that she'd probably spent much of her last day crying and missing her husband. I think she may have cried while she was taking the pills but once they were in her, I suspect she felt some relief that she was really going to die this time. I hope she found some peace before she died and that her death was painless.

As I say, I don't know if my thoughts about how she felt that day or in the days leading up to it are true but they feel true to me. I still miss her terribly, but I feel like I have a better understanding of what things were like for her and why she chose to kill herself. Thinking about how she got to the point of killing herself gives me much more empathy for her.

I still miss my mom terribly and I still wish she hadn't got to a point where she needed to kill herself... but I understand and I forgive her.

I love you, mom.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? My sister has moved to to the UK; she arrived safe and sound and has been exploring her surroundings.

We spent some time with Ian's parent's for Thanksgiving. I enjoyed visiting with Ian's parents especially because I haven't seen them for any length of time in quite a while. We ate delicious pumpkin pie after a very satisfying and also delicious meal. We decided to allow ourselves to eat what we wanted in moderation because we figured that easing up on our new diet restrictions would be ok for one day. We're on a low saturated fat diet while also trying to minimize the amount of fat in our diet. I have no idea what our cholesterol levels are like but we've both lost weight.

On Friday I'm headed to Chicago for a conference on metastatic breast cancer. Mostly I'm going to see my friends. Hanging out with them is what makes going to the conference worthwhile for me. I guess the information presented at the conference might be useful but because my mets are so stable, the information isn't as relevant to me.

All that doesn't really explain why I haven't been writing anything lately... and I guess I don't have much of an explanation. I've been tired, and I've been having what might be described as panic attacks. I have no idea why that's been happening; I don't think I'm all that stressed, but maybe I am. I have been feeling a bit more depressed (and bored?) than usual, too.

One of the things that's come up in therapy is that I have a lot of anger and rage issues. I'm not quite sure where they're coming from so I'm trying to identify how I feel right before the rage. I wonder if shining a light on that rage is bringing up some of these other feelings. Or maybe I'm feeling the way I do because I haven't been doing much of anything lately - sitting in front of the tv surfing the internet doesn't count as an activity.

I am looking forward to going to Chicago although I'm nowhere near finished getting everything ready! It's going to be a fun trip.

Edmonton family events

My youngest sister is moving to England tomorrow. She's been planning this move for a long, long time and the day has finally come. I'm very excited for her because moving to England has been a dream of hers for years and years and I'm thrilled that she's realizing this dream. Of course I'm sad, too, because this is such a big change and I don't think I like big changes.

Selfishly, I'm sad because it's a big change and I don't like changes so I'd love for her to stay in Canada, but I want her to be the happiest she can be so my selfish wants have to take a backseat here. Besides, I know that she'll come back to visit - in fact, I think we're going to co-ordinate a Christmas visit - and I'll be able to go and visit her.

Because I wanted to see my sister before she left, I was in Edmonton last weekend. I didn't tell anyone other than my family that I was going there because I wanted to focus on spending time with my sisters. To my friends: we'll get together next time I'm in Edmonton.

I was there for four days and saw both my sisters as much as possible on each of those days. I had the best time I've ever had with my sisters over those four days and my sisters said they had the best time ever, too. We really connected and didn't fight and had the biggest giggles ever :)

One of the things we did was look over old photos that each sister had scanned or developed from slides and negatives. We saw parts of our childhood that we hadn't seen before as well as parts of our parent's and grandparent's lives that were eye-opening to us. It was fun to look back and ourselves and see how beautiful we really were and how great those pictures were... and the silly things that some of us may have done to our hair.

I love my sisters so much and I love that we had such a great time and were so comfortable together. I'm sending good thoughts to my youngest sister that she'll have safe travels and that she'll love it there more than she thinks she will. Have a great time, seester! I love you.

Home from Edmonton

I arrived home from Edmonton on Sunday after a happy but exhausting trip. I'd gone to see my niece and nephew graduate from high school and to celebrate the occasion with my sisters and their families. Although I'd planned to call some friends while I was there, I ended up seeing only one friend and spending the rest of my time with my family.

I felt honoured to celebrate the graduations with my sisters. Watching both my niece and nephew walk across the stage to receive their (fake) diplomas, I felt so proud of each of them: they made it! I also realized that finishing high school was a rite of passage not just for my niece and nephew but for the adults in their lives, too, who'd watched them grow into adults. It seems like just yesterday that they started kindergarten and now here they were, finished their public schooling. They're basically adults, now, and they get to choose whether and where they pursue further education.

While I was there we had a family gathering to celebrate my niece and nephew's graduation, which is something we haven't done for quite some time. It was a ton of fun and I really enjoyed myself. It felt relaxed and casual and it seemed like everyone had a good time. One of my sisters hosted it and I got to see her beautiful garden in the summer for the first time in I don't know how long. She has a number of sweet-smelling, very healthy roses and lilacs and has planted gorgeous sweet peas lining her fence, as well as some other ground cover and a healthy ash tree (side note: I didn't know that ash trees grew in Edmonton. There are oak trees now, too, and I didn't think they grew there either).

The trip wasn't all good, unfortunately: my cell phone battery refused to charge so I wasn't able to use it to send or receive texts about halfway through the week. My Kindle was also starting to misbehave with the buttons not working properly and now only every other line is displayed. 


I wasn't able to rent a car at all, either. I tried to, I really did. My plane was late arriving into Edmonton so I changed my booking for an office near my hotel. To my surprise, I discovered that that particular Avis doesn't take Sears cards. I thought about going with my backup plan but then I decided that I didn't need a car... I just wanted one. so I did without and it worked out just fine.

Also, while my hotel was lovely - and it was; in fact, I highly recommend staying there if you're in Edmonton - the only alarm in the room was a radio and I don't easily wake up to a radio because the voices end up being incorporated into my dreams. Usually I use my cellphone as an alarm but since it was in paperweight mode, I had to rely on the radio alarm in the room. Yes, I could have called for a wake-up call but I needed to wake up from naps, too, and multiple wake-up calls in a day seems a little silly. Therefore, I ended up not sleeping so well for the latter half of the trip because I was so worried about waking up on time.

Even with these technical issues, I really enjoyed myself in Edmonton and I was sad to have to leave. Edmonton is beautiful at this time of year: the weather is warm but the light wind makes it bearable, everything is blooming, and the air smells so clean and fresh. Every time I walked outside I'd just stand there, breathing in the air. I'll be going back to Edmonton in a couple of months as one of my sisters is moving to the UK this fall and I want to see her in Edmonton before she moves away.

Creating and organizing

A little while ago I went on a spending spree, buying cabochons and faceted gems in lots of different colours. I'm not very good at planning out what I want to make and then finding the stones I want to use in those designs; I like to be inspired by different stones. Of course I can design something and then find stones to fit but it can be hard to find a stone of a particular size and colour. I buy on eBay and etsy; I don't buy the volume of good stones to be able to place an order at one of the big gem supply places. I also don't want to pay those prices!

Anyways, I bought all those stones and have been carrying them around in their original packaging. This has made it difficult to look at the stones and be inspired by them. I bought some watchcases a couple of weeks ago and this weekend I finally put all the stones in the watchcases. I haven't yet finished putting all of the information on the cases about the stone (in particular, not every case has the price I paid for the stone), and I haven't organized the stones aside from separating faceted stones from cabochons, but now I can open up the cases and see all my beautiful stones.

Hopefully I'll start being inspired soon. My niece and one of my nephews are graduating from high school this year and I'm making each of them something to celebrate. I actually have ideas about what I want to make for each of them and now that I can see my stones, I can look at them and make these ideas into drawings into actual things.

Each one already knows they're getting something so I don't mind saying that but I'm not going to tell you about my ideas. After all, I might change them and even if I don't, I want the final products to be a surprise. :) I'm very excited about making these gifts.

Speaking of making things, my instructor loved the sample apron I made. I need to adjust the neck strap slightly but she loves it otherwise... as do two of the other students. They're buying aprons, too, which is kind of cool. I won't make money on these but I'm happy that I can make something useful for the studio and my classmates.

Working in the garden

We spent last night and part of today in at Ian's parent's house to celebrate Mother's Day and Ian's mom's birthday. We went out for dinner last night and had a lovely, if huge, meal and then this morning we ate a very delicious baked spiced apple pancake thing. The rest of the time we hung out and watched tv, just enjoying each other's company. Ian's dad stole Gozer again, of course, but since she loves spending time with him, I figure it was as good a weekend for her as it was for us.

Ian's mom gave me some more seedlings to plant in our garden. She gave us a total of 54 impatiens plants - half shorter ones that will cascade over rock and half taller ones - that we planted in our front garden. Somehow we found room for all of them! Next year we hope to put in a flower bed on the other side of the path in the front yard but we can't do that this year so having the impatiens in the main bed will add some colour to the front yard.

She also gave us a whole bunch of plants that will attract hummingbirds. I put some of them - red salvias - up at the top of the waterfall and planted another type of plant in a pot for the patio. She also gave us some climbing plants that we planted on the kitchen side of the house where we get the morning sun. Hopefully they'll do well there and add some colour.

Ian's mom also gave us some vines for the gates on the side of the property. I love the way they look on her gate and I've been wanting the plants on our gates to add some interest and softness to ours. The fact that they'll add a bit of a visual barrier just adds to their appeal :) I'll be planting those in the next couple of days.

I've been looking at the lupin in the lower bed. It's got some aphids and it's not doing nearly as well as the lupin up by the waterfall. I've been thinking that I'd like to pull it out and put something else in there because it just doesn't get quite enough sun to thrive in that spot. I'll give that lupin one more season and if it's destroyed by aphids, out it comes.

Having such a huge garden is a lot of work but I'm finding that I love the work. I find it very satisfying to take care of the garden and to add more colour and variety to the different planting beds. I'm very excited to see how everything looks when it all takes hold and really starts growing.

Home again

I got home last night after an uneventful day spent traveling. Ian and Gozer picked me up from the airport so I had a chance to get lots of hugs and kissies from Ian and Gozer right away. Even though I had a wonderful time in Edmonton - and one of, if not the, best trip I've ever had there - I was very happy to come home because I missed home. It seems Gozer missed me, too, given that she's been cuddling up to me a lot since I got home.

I didn't do all that much while I was there: everything was kept fairly low-key this time around. I'd been a little nervous about being there for the first time in a year, especially since the last few times I'd been there had been so stressful. Being able to spend time with my sisters without freaking out or getting upset or hearing that darn voice tell me I was unworthy was something my psychologist and I had been working on and I'm pleased to say that all that work paid off because I had a great time with my sisters.

I visited with my sisters individually and with all three of us together and each visit went really well - better than I could ever have imagined. The atmosphere during each visit felt relaxed and easy-going and I found myself truly enjoying the time I spent with my sisters. Sure, sometimes we got quiet or tired or whatever and where before that might have turned into some kind of argument, this time things stayed calm. It was wonderful and I can hardly wait to go back there.

The main events I was in Edmonton to see were my niece's IB art show and her dance recital. The art show was amazing! The students, including my niece, are so talented. There were paintings, sculptures, murals, and interactive art pieces all done in different media and I could have spent quite a lot of time looking at each piece. Well, I did spend a lot of time there with my niece and one sister but I could have spent even more. I especially loved my niece's art which was unique and very much her style. I am buying one of the smaller pictures she did because it inspired me.

My niece danced in a bellydance recital and she was very good! I was thrilled to see how well she danced: she's a beginner bellydancer and her movements were quite good. I was so proud of her, too, for getting up and dancing on-stage because I know how hard it is to do that. I enjoyed the rest of the show as well because I do love bellydancing! I especially liked a burlesque/tribal/bellydance troupe and one of the soloists. This recital included two performances by Dr. George Sawa playing the Qanun, a traditional instrument. He's very good and it was a pleasure to listen to him.

When not doing something with other people (I got to see some friends of mine, too), I spent some time wandering around the university campus and area. I was staying right on the edge of campus and I wanted to revisit areas I remembered and to see how things had changed. On one lovely day I did a huge walk over a route that I used to take late at night one summer. I did the walk during the day, of course!

Being able to retrace my steps, revisit old haunts, and visit new places turned out to be a good thing for me. I'd had a couple of really bad years back around the time I finished my first degree and somehow seeing all of the changes and things that were the same let me see and remember all these things with new eyes and to think about them in a different way. There's a lot more work to do around those years throughout the city but I feel like I've made a start.

The best thing about this last trip is that I don't dread going to Edmonton the way I did before. I'll be going back there at the end of June because my niece and one nephew are graduating high school and I want to celebrate that by doing something yet to be determined. I know I'll miss home with Ian and Gozer and my bed and all my stuff but having such a happy time in Edmonton will be worth it.

Leaving on a jet plane

I'm heading to Edmonton tonight for the first time in almost a year. I'm going at the end of June because my niece and one of my nephews are graduating high school this year and I wanted to celebrate with them. However, my niece and her IB Art class are having an art show this month so when she invited me to come to the show there was no way I would say no. I'm proud of my niece and nephews' accomplishments and I'm honoured to hear about or be asked to participate in what they're doing.

Originally I'd thought I would be going back to Edmonton last summer but then I kind of fell apart and I wasn't emotionally strong enough to go. Thankfully, my psychologist has helped me develop tools for dealing with my emotions so that I stay out of that vortex of depression and sadness. Although I'm a little nervous, I think I'm finally ready to go back to Edmonton. Besides, going now will be good practice for when I go back in a couple of months.

To be honest, I'm more nervous about leaving Gozer than anything else. She follows me around almost everywhere and I'm worried that she will be sad when I'm gone. Ian will take her to work with him so it's not like she'll be by herself or anything... I'm more worried about how she'll react when she comes in from her evening walk and rushes downstairs to see me and come back to sit with me. I just don't want her to be sad. I know she's a dog and all, but she was already abandoned once and I don't want to evoke that feeling in her. I'm trying not to show that I'm nervous or sad about leaving her so that I don't cause the feelings I'm trying to prevent!

Overall, I'm excited about this trip and looking forward to seeing my sisters, niece and nephews, and friends. I'm not taking a laptop with me (just my mobile) so I won't be posting again until after I'm back on the evening of April 30. Wish me luck :)

Lovely Easter weekend

We spent most of this past Easter weekend at Ian's parent's house eating yummy hot cross buns and other food. Ian's dad stole my dog, as usual, but that was ok because I like visiting with them. My dog's transfer of allegiance to Ian's dad is a small price to pay for getting to hang out there.

Ian's going away early tomorrow morning but for some reason I thought he was going away this morning. Not that I minded having him home the extra day! Today was a holiday at his work so it was kind of strange to have him here today; now my days are all off. It might be Monday but it feels like Sunday to me.

While Ian is away I'll be responsible for taking care of Her Highness. I'm unaccustomed to walking her more than once or twice a day and now I'll have to walk her three times a day. The actual walking isn't so bad; it's the getting up early to give her her morning walk. I've been getting up around 9:30am or so - earlier than I used to get up - but I'll need to be up about a half-hour or an hour earlier for that walk. I shouldn't complain because Ian will have to take care of her while I'm in Edmonton at the end of the month - and I'll be gone longer than he will this time.

The object of all of this planning, our little dog, has lately fancied herself a goat. Yesterday and today she's taken up grazing at long grass. She isn't gulping it down and I don't think she's trying to make herself sick; I think she genuinely likes the taste of grass. Perhaps it reminds her of the taste of the bunny poo she loves so much. I don't think that her eating grass is a good thing so I'll have to put a stop to it.

Speaking of her bad behaviour, she made a mistake and jumped up on the couch while she was excited. Sigh. I did say that if she started behaving badly in other ways, I'd have to stop her from going up on the bed. Ian caught her there today and made her get off the bed right away. He was very angry and didn't speak to her for about half an hour. I don't think she noticed or cared as much as a person would have. Hopefully over this week I'll be able to break her of the "sleeping on the bed" habit.

Gozer fun and more

Ian's dad's birthday was this past week so we went to their place to celebrate. We had a very yummy dinner and a delicious cake while we were there and spent some time talking and catching up. Of course we brought Gozer with us and not just because we were gone all day: she really likes Ian's dad and heads straight for him when we're there. If she can't sit up on his lap she's happy to sit at or on his feet.

We all took Gozer for a walk while we were there and it went very well. She met a local dog that's very friendly and that actually laid down before she approached because she was clearly a bit nervous. They ended up having a bit of a sniff and I think they're friends now. I was very impressed with how comfortable Gozer was with Ian's parents; Ian's mom held the leash and Gozer behaved perfectly well. I think Gozer enjoyed the whole day very much: she was whining in the car when we left so I assume that she would rather have stayed there. We'll have to go back soon.

I'd been having some residual nausea problems and I realized that it happened after I drank water. I already told you how the Brita water had the green stuff in it and as it happened, I didn't think to clean out my water bottle. If I don't drink water out of that bottle, I don't get nauseous. So now I feel a little silly having felt nauseous so often because it was my own fault. At least now I know how to fix it and I know I won't have to worry about it any more.I think I can definitively say that my nausea and stomach problems are resolved.

As I'm writing this I'm watching the Oscars which are so far very entertaining. It's so entertaining that I don't want to leave to walk Gozer even though I'm recording the show. Not that Gozer cares what I'm watching; she just wants a warm and comfy place to sleep. She's so warm and comfy right now that it will be hard to convince her to go out for her evening walk. Why would she want to go outside into the wind and colder temperatures when she can be warm and cozy right here? If I was her, I wouldn't want to go out, either).

I will definitely be doing a red carpet post for the Oscars. It'll be interesting to see the differences in clothing between the Golden Globes and Oscar events.

My mom's estate

I'm still working on the red carpet post for the Golden Globes; it's coming along fairly well. It used to be that it was difficult to find the designers for some of the less-known attendees. These days, more and more stylists and designers are  twittering their work, including which celebrity wore which dress. If I wanted, I could include some of the jewelry designers, too, because their names also show up occasionally. However, there aren't always good pictures of the jewelry so I figure there's not much point in including that information.

My mom's estate is pretty much wrapped up now. I received my share of the pension money yesterday and deposited into the bank today. It turns out that the pension amount was close to four times what we thought it would be so we each got more than we expected. The fact that the pension was so much larger than we thought explains why they wanted us to have a named administrator and stuff. Had the pension been the expected amount, all that rigmarole wouldn't have been needed because the estate would have been considered small.

Since the pension, and therefore the estate, is larger than we thought it would be, we have to confirm that there are no more taxes owed on the estate. While the government did take taxes off of the pension monies before they were disbursed, the lawyer has held back some of the pension money just in case we owe any more taxes. Unfortunately, that tax situation won't be settled for another year or so, which means the estate won't be fully settled until then. For now I'm happy to call the estate "mostly settled". Hopefully no more taxes will be owed and we'll get a nice little present next year.

Having the estate mostly settled leaves me a little sad. It means her life is even more over, if that makes sense. These days I'm feeling a bit sad. My psychologist and I are starting to delve into my past which is bringing up all sorts of emotions as well. Of course those emotions were already there buried under the surface so really we're just dealing with what's there. Based on how things are going, I think the emotions are going to get a bit stronger before they get better. At least I can pay for a lot of therapy (retail and otherwise) with the pension money.