Gastroenterologist appointment

Have I mentioned my stomach issues? I don't remember. Apologies if I'm repeating myself.

A bit of background: I have degeneration in my lower back at L4-L5 and L5-S1 which causes pain and the pain was worse after my ovaries came out in 2007. To deal with that pain, I took Celebrex (a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug, or NSAID) starting in late 2007. I didn't really take it properly because I didn't always take it with food; taking it with food is strongly recommended because NSAIDs can cause stomach problems. However, my stomach was fine. Then in late 2014 I heard about a new painkiller that would help with headaches (I grind my teeth and get headaches from that even though I wear a night guard). This new amazing painkiller was Naproxen (Aleve) and wow did it work. It worked faster and better than Tylenol and so I took it occasionally.

What I didn't realize is that Naproxen is also an NSAID and, like Celebrex, can cause stomach problems. In the summer of 2015 I started experiencing severe stomach pain almost certainly due to the combination of NSAIDs. The pain was so bad that I couldn't stand up straight and I almost never wanted to eat. I was taken off of the Celebrex and stopped taking the Naproxen... but the damage was definitely done.

My family doctor put me on 60mg of Dexilant per day plus Gaviscon and the combination worked to reduce the stomach pain. I still had occasional problems but I could stand up straight and eat. I also started to gain weight; I put on over 20 pounds.

Then early this year I started experiencing a new pain in my stomach. My family doctor doubled the Dexilant dose and referred me to a gastroenterologist in Oakville.

The gastroenterologist said that my stomach problems are probably related to too much acid there and that my Dexilant dose is very high. I have no idea how to reduce the acid level (I'm sure we'll deal with that later) but he wants to try to reduce the Dexilant; apparently it can be increased or decreased without any problems or side effects which is great. Before we do anything, though, he wants to see my stomach so I'm scheduled to go in for an endoscopy on the afternoon of May 3. He'll look around, take some samples (ie biopsy a few areas) and test me for H. pylori.

He also said that my recent weight gain may be related to my other painkillers, which are known to slow down the intestines, and that reducing the amount I take may make it easier for me to lose weight. (In addition to some dietary and exercise changes, of course!)

Speaking of reducing that painkiller, my family doctor is apparently going to be away for six or eight weeks starting in May. There's no way that I will do this kind of reduction without his supervision or the supervision of a doctor to whom I'm referred so that will wait until summer. I'm quite sure I'll be fine.

In other news, getting to yesterday's appointment was a bit of a production. The original plan was for me to take Gozer to Ian's parent's house so that they could visit with her, but neither they nor Gozer were feeling well. Gozer was groomed on Monday and had mild diarrhea afterwards. She's getting better but I didn't want to impose Gozer (and the possibility of an emergency diarrhea walk) on people who weren't feeling well. Also, I didn't think it was a good idea to take Gozer on a long drive, so the new plan was to take her to Ian's work.

Then I found out that a good friend of mine went into residential hospice yesterday. She's been receiving palliative care at home for about a year but has declined significantly in the last few weeks; she has metastatic breast cancer with brain tumours and she's out of treatments for them. The tumours are growing and causing additional cognitive and physical difficulties and she could no longer be cared for in her own home. At this point it isn't known if she'll be able to receive visitors.

I was and am devastated to hear this. She's lasted an incredibly long time: she wanted to see her kids start school last September and she did! Plus she was here another six months or so! But she's close to the end now and I'm grieving... there are many, many tears and that tight feeling in my chest that makes me want to curl into a ball in a dark corner. I told Ian what was happening and we decided that since I was crying so much and was so weepy, it wasn't safe for me to drive to Oakville. Driving while crying really isn't safe for me.

So instead of taking Gozer to Ian's work so that she didn't have to do a long car ride, the new new plan was that Ian came home and the three of us drove to and from the appointment. Fortunately, Gozer was just fine during the drives and we didn't have to stop for any emergencies. Ian took her for a nice long walk during my appointment and she's doing better.

What a day, huh? I'll keep you posted with what happens with all my upcoming appointments and stuff.

Radiation oncologist appointment

I saw my radiation oncologist this morning for a brief follow-up. She was slightly less surprised than my regular oncologist that my skin over the irradiated area was still pristine because the doses weren't given to a broad area but were very small and came from multiple angles.

We talked about the fatigue I'm still experiencing slightly and she said it was normal and would get better. It's not that bad but I definitely need a nap every day - especially if I do anything outside the house. I can live with that - honestly, although I know it was better before radiation, I'm not sure it was that much better - but a little less fatigue would be nice.

She asked about pain, and I'm really not experiencing any now, which means that either I have no pain or it's very well-controlled with my painkillers. I told her that I was thinking of waiting until summer - or at least until this fatigue is over - and then tapering down my painkiller. I suspect that I truly have no pain because the radiation should have taken care of whatever was there and that I don't need this level of painkiller. Reducing the painkiller is going to be a giant production to; a couple of years ago I changed painkillers and it was a very difficult experience. I don't know why I wanted to wait so long to do it except that I'm not looking forward to that particular experience.

She said it was better to do the taper sooner rather than later, and the reason she gave for it is that if I'm taking painkillers to deal with pain, I won't become addicted to them but if there's no pain then I'll become addicted. I'm not quite sure what she means by "addicted"... I don't crave them or get high from them (not that I could, anyways; painkillers given for cancer pain fix the pain first and get the person high second, and at this point I've been taking them so long that my brain has rewired for them), and that's not going to change.

In my case, my biggest issue is that I'm dependent on the painkillers so that when I miss a dose, I start going through withdrawal symptoms. It's those withdrawal symptoms that make the tapering down difficult. I will call my family doctor sooner rather than later (or the summer) and get the process started. I think I've read about things that can help this process be less uncomfortable and maybe they'll work for me.

Other than that, she's going to see me again in four months to see how I'm doing. Overall, she's very pleased with how things are going, so I am too!

Definitely better!

I can now safely say that I'm doing much, much better. I don't know if I can say for certain that the side effects are completely over, but the worst has definitely passed.

The pain has been unnoticeable for some time now although it flared up when Gozer launched herself off of me using the radiated area (we were at the vet's and she was sitting up on me with her butt on my neck; when she jumped off, one of her back feet was in the area of the spot and she pushed against it). As quickly as the pain flared, it disappeared.

Fatigue-wise, I'm doing great. I'm waking up feeling well-rested both in the morning and after my naps, and my naps are back down to a reasonable length. I've always been a napper so having to take naps each day is normal. What wasn't normal was having naps lasting hours and hours long and not feeling rested afterwards but all that is over.

I'm also starting to feel engaged in the world around me. Since treatment I've been feeling somewhat depressed and uncreative. I felt like the world around me was grey and dim and that time was just passing me by. Now I see colour!! I'm excited to see the sun and to see what each day will bring. With the lifting of my depression I'm also starting to feel like I need to start creating things. I look at inspiration pictures and I actually feel inspired to design and make things. This is so exciting!

So yes, whether all the side effects are over or the worst has passed, I'm feeling good.

Getting better

I think I'm feeling a bit better. The extra pain is gone and although I'm a bit tired right now, I don't feel as exhausted as I did last week. I also stayed awake all day yesterday even if I did have a two hour nap in the evening.

It would be great if my side effects were done and over with because I'm tired of being tired. Honestly I'd be thrilled if the side effects were markedly better even if I still have to have naps sometimes. I was napping in the late afternoon before radiation treatment so I'd be surprised if I didn't nap after treatment and after the side effects​are over.

We also think we've figured out where the mice were getting in. We set six traps last night and caught zero. So the mouse problem might be over, too!

Things are definitely looking up.

Is that light way over there?

I'm feeling ever so slightly optimistic that the worst of the pain is over. It doesn't seem to be bothering me so much now and I've reduced my use of supplemental painkillers. Yay!

However, I do seem to be more tired than I was before. Today has been a bit better, but the last two days have been tough. Each activity has been preceded and followed by a nap so doing anything requires some planning on my part. I could never do all that much in one day but I can do so much less than I could do before.

I have been continuing to walk Gozer because I've read that exercise helps to deal with radiation (and chemotherapy) fatigue. I can barely imagine what things would be like if this fatigue is better than it could be because it feels endless and overwhelming now.

For all that, emotionally I'm in a pretty good place. I'm feeling ok, mostly, and I know things will get better. I am still prone to being overwhelmed and stressed if stuff starts happening - like, for example, the shingles that went sailing off our roof today - but all that still seems to be manageable.

I am definitely stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed because the roof needs repairing and those feelings are stronger because I'm exhausted since I didn't get a nap today. However, I know that the roof will get fixed eventually (hopefully before it leaks), I'll feel better after a rest and some food, and the world is not ending. I don't feel like I need to curl up in a ball and hide (my usual reaction to house- or bureaucracy-related stress) and I'm not bursting into tears for no reason. I'm also aware that I've got a delicate emotional constitution at the moment and am keeping a close eye on myself and trying to take care of myself.

The fact that the pain is decreasing is definitely something to celebrate :) And although I'm napping a lot, I'm still leaving the house and doing what I can. Finally, although I have reason to be stressed, I'm not falling apart which is a huge victory.

I think there's light at the end of this tunnel!

Me and my side effects

Well, I'm still hanging in there. I've been so very tired over the last couple of days: after walking Gozer I've been crashing into sleep. Gozer doesn't mind this because she gets to snuggle up to me when I sleep, as long as I'm on the chair downstairs. It reclines to be almost flat and is quite comfy for sleeping, even if the dog is taking up lots of room. And even if I have to wait for her to finish licking my face and hand before she settles in.

I've also done my lymphedema exercises each of the last two days because I've been feeling that heaviness in my shoulder that goes with lymphedema. I don't love these exercises because some of them make my lymphedema-affected areas feel weird. For example, in one of the exercises I have to sit or stand with my back straight, keep my neck and arms relaxed, and raise my shoulders up, and then lower them as far as I can. The lowering part feels weird.

Still, I know the exercises work, and because they're performed slowly and deliberately they're very meditative and a good exercise in mindfulness for me. I just hadn't planned on having to do them every day.

Finally, I am still experiencing the sternal pain. I know that the pain will peak at some point and I hope that point comes soon.

Hello there, side effects

Up until yesterday I thought that I might possibly get off easy with respect to side effects. I thought that maybe, since the treatment was so targeted, I wouldn't have too much pain or fatigue. So much for that; I'm definitely noticing side effects today.

It could be that I overdid it yesterday (Gozer decided that she needed a 4km walk in the rain yesterday afternoon), or it could be that the mild lymphedema swelling which extends to my chest and side is increasing the side effects, or it could be that this is naturally when the side effects really start to show up. Or it could be a combination of these or other factors; whatever the immediate cause, I'm noticing a marked uptick in sternal pain. My sternum is now achy much of the time and gives me occasional sharper pain. The pain is somewhat dulled because of my regular painkillers but it's definitely there.

To manage the pain I'm taking additional painkillers, which increases the fatigue I'm also experiencing. As I write this I'm thinking I'll need to make dinner soon and the thought of getting up and doing all of that - including all that standing - is exhausting. I don't know that I can sleep but I want to try... Even if "trying" is just zoning out in front of the TV.

I did do my lymphatic massage exercises this afternoon. Hopefully that will diminish whatever impact the lymph fluid buildup is having on the side effects.

Side effect update

I hadn't realized that it's been so long since my last post - the days have just flown by! I've actually been feeling ok overall. Of course I'm taking it very easy and I'm not really pushing myself; at the slightest hint of pain I take painkillers (it's better to deal with it early than try to treat it when it's raging) and I rest if I feel even a bit tired. Honestly, though, I haven't had as much pain or fatigue as I expected and my esophagus isn't bothering me. My lymphedema is acting up a bit which is no surprise, but the swelling is mild and easily controlled.

Ian's been so supportive also and has sent me to rest if I even look tired. He's also spent some time doing some of the things I normally do so I don't have quite so much on my plate. I really appreciate his help and support; I would have a tough time without it.

My sisters asked great questions that I think most of you will be curious about as well. One asked how long the doctor said it would be until I feel like my old self again. The answer is that the bulk of the side effects should be gone after a month or so. The fatigue can linger longer than that but I should be feeling pretty normal after a month. I'll be seeing the radiation oncologist for a follow-up on March 23 (four weeks after treatment ended) to see how I'm doing.

My other sister asked when will they know if it worked as well as they hoped. We'll know whether the treatment worked when we do my regular scans in the summer. There's no point in doing scans right now because things tend to get worse before they get better, and I don't mind waiting that long to be sure. We may see other indications that the treatment worked before the summer scans: for example, the pain and my tumour markers will decrease after a possible initial increase. I see my regular oncologist next week and I've already done my tumour marker bloodwork already so we'll see where it is.

If you have questions about any part of this, please ask them either in the comments or by emailing/texting/messaging me. If you're wondering about something, someone else will also be wondering

And... done!

Whoo hoo! Radiation treatment is finished! When I got home after treatment this morning I did a song and dance about being finished radiation because I was so happy.

In all my excitement about finishing treatment, I forgot to take my morning painkiller and I am paying for that now with pain and a woogly back. It's not the end of the world but I do feel like an idiot - I can take care of myself, really I can. Really.

Today's treatment went really, really well. I didn't have to be told to breathe deeper at all and I did a great job of holding my breath. I made sure to fully relax after they got me into position, before they started treatment, and between breath holds. It turns out that all that meditation and mindfulness training I did comes in handy!

I didn't do anything crazy to relax - there was no "breathe in through one nostril and out through the other" (although I can do that). I just closed my eyes and imagined myself being heavy and sinking into the surface... as if I was lying on a towel on a sunny beach. Then I imagined the CT scanner "whoosh-whoosh" around me and imagined myself sort of rocking and floating to that noise - kind of like I was rocking in a straight hammock and on a magic carpet. Weird, I know, but somehow that worked for me.

When I finished the nurses told me that the radiation will continue to affect me and that I can expect side effects like difficulty swallowing due to radiation affecting the esophagus and fatigue. I told them about the prescription I didn't wait for and they said it would be in my file so when I need it to just call in and ask them to send it to the pharmacy. They also said to listen to my body and sleep when I need to.

I am very, very tired. Some of that is undoubtedly the forgotten painkiller, and some of it will be having gotten up for my 7am appointment, but there's a component of it that feels like radiation fatigue. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon and when I'm done this I'll be having another nap.

My throat is also a tiny bit sore and I can feel that there's some rawness when I swallow. I'm not having real trouble yet but if it gets too much worse I'll need to get that Magic Mouthwash prescription filled.

My sternum is also very tender to the touch and hurts if I put any pressure on or near it - even wearing a seatbelt is a bit uncomfortable. I expect that to get worse before it gets better.

I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing and how much I'm affected by side effects. I don't expect to post every day but I hope to provide an update every other day or so.

Can I have some cheese to go with my whine?

Getting cavities filled has never been one of my favourite activities. I know it has to be done so I do it, but I don't love it. I bring this up because I had a cavity filled on Wednesday. The process of putting the filling in was fairly uneventful but the freezing experience was a bit different.

My dentist is nice about providing a topical anaesthetic before injecting the novocaine and injecting the novocaine slowly so the novocaine doesn't hurt quite so much. What was odd was that the freezing lasted a really long time. I was injected at 1pm and the filling was done by 2pm, and the dentist said that I would be numb for 1.5 to 3 hours. I was actually numb until 8pm (!) which is a crazy long time.

Also, here we are two days later and the injection point is tender and sore. It feels kind of like it's bruised, which is something that's never happened to me before. A quick search showed that bruising is a rare but possible complication of novocaine injections. Who knew?

I know I'm whining a bit but I'm also quite tired. Ian's been away this week and I'm looking after Gozer on my own which is a lot of work. Also, since she was groomed last Friday she's been growling and barking at night. She's barked very early (7am, 5:30am, 6am) the last three mornings because she really really needed to go pee - after growling at different times through the night. I have no idea why she's so disturbed but it's leaving me exhausted. At least the bits of sleep I'm getting on the new bed are restful... I just need more of it.

Recent doctor's appointments

I saw my oncologist yesterday for my quarterly visit. My CA 15-3 tumour marker for January and April is staying steady at 40 and 39, respectively, and the rest of my bloodwork looks good. I have my annual scans coming up in the next two weeks but we expect them to be fine.

In barely-related to cancer news, about two weeks ago I developed severe stomach pain. I couldn't stand up straight, I couldn't eat, and I was exhausted all the time. I went off the Celebrex I've been taking for seven or eight years and saw my family doctor about a week ago. He put me on Dexilant, which reduces the acid in my stomach, and it's helped: I can eat normally. I can also try going back on the Celebrex today although there's no guarantee that I'll be able to stay on it.

The reason this is tangentially related to cancer is that I've been taking the Celebrex to deal with the joint pain caused by the Femara I've also been taking for years and years as well as the lower back pain I have. Since I've gone off the Celebrex, that joint pain in my hips and shoulders and the pain in my back has returned. I have a hard time sleeping because of the pain. Percocet can help me get to sleep but I'll usually wake up when it wears off. Sigh.

I talked with my oncologist about this and we've agreed that if I can't stay on the Celebrex to try some non-drug techniques for the pain. She's recommended Chinese acupuncture (apparently that kind has been shown to have a beneficial effect beyond the placebo effect) and cardiovascular exercise. I'm still carrying extra weight (not eating for a few days appears to have made no difference) and I know I'm out of shape so I'll see if I can set up our exercise bike again. I don't know what I think about acupuncture but I figure that it's unlikely to do me harm so it's not a bad idea to try it. All I have to do is find a suitable practitioner.

Transition finished!

I think the painkiller transition is finally over. We've found the right level of the new painkiller and although I occasionally have twinges in my sternum (which may be related to Gozer jumping on me), I'm not experiencing any real pain.

I've noticed some changes since I've switched painkillers, mostly related to sweating. I know this might be TMI but it's part of the way painkillers affect me. Before, my entire body would sweat. Seriously - my fingers and arms and legs and even my toes would sweat, and I developed little bumps around my eyes from sweat. Because I sweated so much, I drank a lot of water but didn't pee as much as you might think.

All that has changed: I now sweat only in the more normal places - like under my arms and on my scalp - and I pee way more often. My sweat also smells different to me; before, it didn't have much smell but now it smells the way it did before I ever had cancer. So that's a good thing, I guess.

I'm also finding that I enjoy my baths less. I loved taking baths and would take several each day... which, it turns out, wasn't a good thing. A hot bath increases the amount of painkiller I absorbed and then once the bath was done I'd experience withdrawal symptoms (like increased sweating). In other words, I was abusing my painkiller patches. I had no idea that I'd been doing this until I went to have a bath and it just didn't feel the same. I was ashamed once I realized what I'd been doing, and that shame was probably made worse by the fact that I was mildly depressed. At least I'm off the patches now and it's not possible for me to unknowingly misuse my pills.

The mild depression is gone now. My psychologist is away until the end of this next week so I wasn't able to make an appointment to see her. If I'd been feeling worse I'd have asked to see another psychologist in the clinic but I figured I wasn't doing too badly. I'm feeling much more emotionally even and am generally happy now so I think I'll be ok.

I'm really happy that the transition is over. I like that I'm feeling more like a normal person with the pills than I felt with the patches... but mostly I like that the transition is over.

Update on me and Gozer

I'm feeling a bit better now although my digestive system is still not quite right. At least I'm not at the point where my belly and gut are so distended that I can't wear anything constrictive, which is where I was in my last post. I'm also feeling less depressed although I'm still somewhat lethargic.

I haven't called my psychologist yet because I keep wishing that I could just fix this mild depression myself since I have the tools to do it. However, the fact that all of this is related to the change in painkiller medication means that I don't have much control over it. I'll call her tomorrow and set up an appointment.

In other news, Gozer saw her dermatologist last week. The dermatologist was happy to see Gozer looking good and scratching and licking less. We think the allergy shots are helping but we won't know for sure one way or another until Fall. Gozer still has yeast problems so for two weeks she'll receive her anti-yeast pills every day instead of two consecutive days each week. As well, the dermatologist gave us a medicated shampoo that we're to use one to three times a week; on the days that Gozer gets a bath, we're to wash all of her bedding, blankets, leash, and collars.

I also have to keep track of Gozer's itchiness each day on a scale of 1-10 (1 = least itchy, 10 = crazy itchy) and email the results (along with her regular calendar of pills and appointments) to the dermatologist each month. Finally, we decided that we're going to wait until the Fall to change her diet to deal with her food allergies, mainly because we want to give the allergy shots more time to work and make a difference and to get her yeast problems under control.

Gozer doesn't much like getting bathed, especially since this shampoo has to sit for 5-10 minutes before it's rinsed off. She's more resigned to the process than she used to be, although it's difficult to get her into the bathroom where she gets a bath. However, we've discovered that she love love love loves carrots so we grate some up for her and feed her the grated bits as a treat and that keeps her happy.

Oh, and it turns out that she knows the command for "Speak". We had no idea!

A little TMI whine

I've been having to take percocet to deal with the pain because the amount of the new painkiller wasn't enough. I talked to my family doctor's office today and my doctor is going to increase the painkiller amount. 

In the meantime, I'm having to deal with a common side effect of these drugs: constipation. Some (Ian) might say that I'm full of it (ha ha). I know this is a bit of TMI but it's (unfortunately) a fact of life with this stuff. Everything had been going so well for so long that I kind of forgot that I have to make sure that things stay going well. 

I've taken some dulcolax and it'll help eventually right now I'm quite uncomfortable. If this goes on for much longer I'm going to be very heartburny which can be unpleasant for me and anyone I talk to. Gum can only cover up so much, you know? 

Sigh. I'm whining, I know, but I figure that it's important to talk about the stuff that isn't so pleasant, too.

I've mentioned before that I've been experiencing some mild depression with this transition and since it's still going on (it's mild, but it's there) I'm thinking that it would be a good idea for me to see my psychologist. I know I have the tools to deal with all this but I'd feel better if I saw her.

I love not using the patches but I'm not in love with this transition. I'll be very happy once the amount of painkiller is stabilized and I'm back to being my regular happy self.

Changing pain medication

I didn't realize that it had been a month since I last posted here. Clearly there's not much going on in my life these days.

One change is that I saw my family doctor last week so that he could see how I was doing and I asked to change pain medication. I'd been wearing the fentanyl patches for some number of years and lately especially I've been getting a heat rash - or prickly heat - under the patches. This happens when sweat has nowhere to go so it goes back into the skin, causing the sweat glands to be blocked and thus causing the rash. The rashes have been getting worse since the brand of generic patch changed but it was happening before that just because I sweat so much.

My family doctor agreed to put me on OxyNeo at about 3/4 the equivalent dose to my patch dose. I have no idea how much of the patch dose I was getting - it won't all go through the sweat or rash, so I don't know if I was getting 100% of the dose. I took the patches off and started taking the new pain medication on Thursday night.

It turns out that I was getting more than 75% of the dose so over the last few days I've been going through some mild withdrawal symptoms. The biggest symptom I had was what I call "woogly back" or Restless Leg Syndrome in my back (apparently it happens, although it's rare). I managed to deal with most of this with percocet in the first couple of days, to make the reduction in painkiller more tapered, and clonazepam in the days afterwards. I've also been experiencing some mild depression and lethargy.

Today was the first day that I didn't have woogles or need to take the clonazepam, and I discovered that this painkiller level isn't enough to deal with my pain. Starting this afternoon, the pain started. It isn't a a stabbing pain, but a light twingy, squeezy pain. Sigh.

So although I was really, really trying to make this level of painkiller work by not supplementing it with anything else, I'm not going to fool around with pain - once pain starts, it's harder to control so it's better to get ahead of it. I called the doctor earlier today, before the pain started, to let him know about the mild withdrawal and that I was doing ok so far but I'll have to call in the next couple of days once I've got the pain under control to see just how much I need to bump up the amount of painkiller.

On the bright side, I'm sweating less and I now definitely know that I still need the painkiller, even though the sternum is healing. I'll be very happy to leave this transition period with its woogles and lethargy and depression behind, however. This hasn't been an enjoyable few days.

Still working on the garden

I should take pictures of the garden but I'm going to wait until I'm done planting. I've planted most of the climbing plants now but I still need to plant the hen and chicks (I forgot about them before) and I may have purchased a couple more coneflower plants in shades of red today when I went to get more soil. I love purple coneflowers but I thought the red ones would add a bit more variety.

I've got one of those %&%)@! canker sores again. It's on the left side (of course), in my lower jaw (of course), where the gum meets the cheek (of course) and it's currently about 8mm in diameter. By the looks of things, there's another one forming just to the left of the center along my lower mouth. I wouldn't be surprised if the current one merged with the new one. I'm rinsing with salt water but it isn't helping much. Anbesol (or whatever it's called) does help a bit and I'm putting that stuff on before bed so I won't be woken up by the pain. Because oh my goodness it hurts. Maybe it's time to start brushing with Biotene toothpaste, which is supposed to help with them.

Ian's out tonight and I'm watching this documentary on UFOs and aliens (and the possibility of a coverup). All these people - some of them military - are talking about crafts they've seen and aliens they've seen. The narrator says that people don't want to experience a UFO or alien encounter but I think that would be awesome. Of course there's life out there somewhere although I don't know if (or why) they would be here on our planet. Anyways, if aliens really existed and visited, I'd love to meet them.

Until that day happens, I've got a garden to work on. And a canker sore to heal somehow.

Adventures in weeding

It's been so crazy hot this past week that Gozer and I have spent most of our days holed up in the basement. While I love having no responsibilities or plans or anything, after a couple of days I started feeling really restless because I wanted to be outside doing things but it was just too hot.

Today the weather was slightly cooler - below 30C, at least - and so I went outside and spent about three hours weeding. I wasn't weeding in that relaxed way I usually weed; no, I was finally able to get outside and weed and I was going to make the most of the time I had. I was in some kind of weeding frenzy and I weeded with wild, reckless abandon.

I'm paying for being those hours. I felt so young and alive, being out there under the sun and working in the dirt and now I feel positively decrepit. My lower back is throbbing with pain no matter how I sit or lie down or stand, my legs are sore, and I'm bone-tired. I'm not sure that this back pain is worth those hours of happiness weeding under the sun - it's a higher price than I wanted to for those hours, even though I know that I overdid it.

Wishing that my body didn't betray me doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere, unfortunately. It would be better if I could remember that I can't do four days worth of work in three hours because then I wouldn't overdo it (and pay for it) like I did today.

More of that and some of this

I should really post more often so that I don't have these posts with multiple topics.

I'm resigning myself to never finishing the SAG awards red carpet post. I lost enough that going back and redoing it is more work than I want to do. I'm not looking at sparkly things on eBay these days... I'm looking at the Metropolitan Museum of Art's online catalogue. Pretty much everything they have, whether it's on display or not, is there. There's so much there; I've been spending hours just looking at twentieth century clothing and I've barely even scratched the surface of what's there.

My back has been hurting quite a lot. This morning it was quite bad until after my new painkiller patch (which went on late because I had to go and pick up the patches this morning) started working. I might have just overdone it yesterday when I took Gozer for a very long walk but that kind of response is unusual for the pain I've had in my back. Of course the pain there can change so I'm trying not to get too worried about it.

My sarcoidosis is also acting up: my lower left leg has lots of reddish-purple bumpy areas and I've got these areas also showing up on my left breast. That's the one that had the primary and recurrence cancers so I think it's about time that I call my oncologist. I wish I had a sarcoidosis specialist that I could call because I feel sort of weird about calling my oncologist about something that I think is probably sarcoidosis. I'll talk about my back as well.

Because my back was hurting so much today, I couldn't take Gozer for a walk this afternoon so I let her run around in the backyard  She loves it out there: we were out for 40 minutes this afternoon and she would have been happy to stay out there even longer. She especially likes playing chase with a rotted vegetable in her mouth. I have no idea why she's so attracted to the rotted vegetables, but she is: she not only holds them in her mouth and runs around with them, she eats them and rolls all over them with the same look on her face that she gets when we rub her belly and chest.

When she's finished with the rotted vegetables, she runs around nose to the ground searching for bunny poo. Did you know that bunny poo is the yummiest treat ever? I didn't, either. She loves the stuff and will happily root around in the lawn for the little poo balls. At first I thought she was eating berries because the little balls looked like blueberries but I was wrong (clearly it's a good thing I don't have to survive on my own in the woods).

Our dog has become comfortable being a dog here, which I love. She's very happy when she's eating all these unappetizing foods and they don't seem to have an adverse effect on her... but I think we're going to clean up the lawn and get rid of the rotting vegetables. She can do without that "tasty" treat.

Sore back

The weather has been crazy here: yesterday we got four to six inches of snow yesterday morning and all of it melted by yesterday evening. Then the temperature dropped overnight, freezing up the melted snow, and it snowed again - that heavy, wet, slushy snow - on top of the ice. The walking is treacherous out there so we didn't take Gozer on an afternoon walk.

While yesterday was kind of extreme, weather-wise, we've had other days where the temperature has risen and dropped and there's been ice everywhere. Walking has definitely been tricky and I think I managed to do something to my back. I don't know exactly what's wrong but I think it's muscle-related because a hot bath makes it feel better. It's on the "mostly good" side of my back and it's very painful so I'm walking with my cane - even in the house!

I hope that whatever is causing my back to hurt heals itself soon because being in pain isn't so much fun. It's also hard to feel positive when I'm in pain so I'm a little cranky and a little more depressed than usual. Knowing that I react this way, I'm trying to rest and do things that make me happy. So I've been thinking about little boxes and jewelry and I've been looking at pretty stones on the interwebs and thinking about what I could do with them.

I'll be taking my cane with me to tomorrow's dog training class. Gozer isn't bothered by the cane at all but we have no idea how the other dogs will react to the cane. It'll be an interesting class :)

Celebrex is my friend

I'm not really liking this "life without Celebrex" thing. As the painkiller leaves my system I'm experiencing more and more pain in all of my joints, especially my hips. I think the pain is also worse because of the rain and humidity we've got. I wish that knowing what caused the pain made it go away.

To take care of the pain I've taken a couple of baths already today (hot water definitely helps) and I've been taking Percocet regularly. Both things make me sleepy - but when I'm asleep, I'm not feeling the pain, so it's a way of dealing with it.

I did start working on the patterns, though. I started looking at the more difficult one and ran into a bit of a roadblock. Normally I shorten the front and back bodice by about 1 1/2" but the front of this pattern didn't need to be shortened that much; in fact, the front needs to be shortened up near the shoulder and lengthened around the bust. And I think the side seams are the close to the right length.

I've been thinking about this and I think I know why these adjustments need to be made. I think there are two things going on here. First, my back is very straight and so it needs to be shortened more than the front, and I've been adjusting patterns based on my center back measurement. Second, I have a large bust and so I need more fabric to cover it. If I shorten the bodice below the bust there just won't be enough fabric to cover it. Adjusting patterns used to be easier but since I've gained weight my body's proportions have changed. My bust wasn't always this big in comparison to the rest of me - or at least, the weight was distributed more in line with commercial patterns.

Now that I've got that figured out, it should be fairly straightforward to make the right changes to the bodice. The back and skirt are very easy to modify, and the other pattern is also much easier to change.

The best part of today was that the baby chipmunks have appeared! They're so cute!!!! There were two of them with their mommy and they were just learning about exploring their environment. We tried to get some pictures but they didn't work out. They're super-cute, though!

I think tomorrow the rain is going away and it's going to get more hot and less humid, so hopefully I won't have nearly as much pain and I'll be able to do more.