Another happy day!

We went to Mississauga today because it's Ian's dad's birthday. We took some pictures of the car; they're available here. Ian's mom made a very yummy meal and cake; of course I ate too much! But it was so yummy that I couldn't resist! :)

Some of you may know that I've been working on taking good pictures of my jewelry. I haven't been completely pleased with the pictures to date; they're too dark and stuff, in my mind. Ian bought me a photo box thingy! It's a cube with translucent sides and two big lights. I'm so touched and honoured and pleased and happy!!! I can't wait to get all set up and starting clicking away! I'm so happy to have one of these as I think it'll make a huge difference in my photo quality. And I'm thrilled that Ian is supporting me in this jewelry-making thing. I do hope that I'm able to sell them - I'll have a lot of stuff if I can't.

Speaking of earrings, I've been having trouble with the silver oxidizing on my ears from the sterling silver earwires :( . I don't want this to happen to other people - someone suggested that stainless steel earwires would be good. I did a little research, and it seems that titanium is quite hypoallergenic, too. I think I have a source for sterling silver, titanium, and (maybe) stainless steel earwires. I'll call on Monday and find out. Then I could offer people their choice between the three. Does that make sense? Someone also asked for clip-on earrings - I'm looking into those. I think I can get sterling silver clip-on wire things, so I could offer that as a choice, too.

Someone asked for 10K gold - I think I'm not going to be able to go there just yet. It's expensive, and I don't want to sink much more money into this just yet. On our way to Mississauga today we stopped at a bead store in Oakville (and one of the local stores). I got a lot of beads - I seem to have an amethyst fetish right now, and I also got some tourmaline and citrine. Amethyst paired with either of those two is beautiful. So pretty......... but I don't need more beads. I just want them - my semi-precious bead fetish could (almost) replace my shoe fetish. I have lots and lots and lots of tiny little beads.... I want to do things with chains and stuff. So pretty....

Oh!!!!!!! I forgot to tell you about my chest xray results. It was clear!!!! So the cause of my coughing isn't something that shows up on an xray. That's good; it means that I don't have lung mets. :) It's practically celebration time!!!!

More about my earrings

So I haven't sold any more earrings yet, but two people have asked me for some earrings like some that I have, but shorter. I like long dangly earrings, but I guess I should branch out to shorter earrings too :) A couple of other people have asked me to hold pairs of earrings for them, which is amazing too. I can't believe that people like my stuff so much! Then again, it is unique and handmade, and I think I have a flair for colour and design. I'm proud of all of the earrings I've made.

One friend suggested a portfolio in which to carry my earrings - right now, I keep them in sealed plastic bags. I write what stones each earring contains on a label thing. These keep the earrings from tarnishing, but the earrings aren't shown to their best advantage that way. And people are reluctant to take them out of the packages - but you can only really see the beauty if you hang them up and see them. I'll have to think about this.

A fantastic day

I had a "mystery outing" today with a friend of mine. She took me to my old place of work to receive a gift. She had organized a fundraiser to send me on my travels so that I didn't have to worry about money. I'm so very touched that all of those people would do such a wonderful thing for me. I almost cried while I stood there and they presented it to me.

I don't completely feel like I'm worthy of such generous gift, but I'm certainly not going to refuse it :). I feel so honoured to be thought of like this - that all of these people care so much to send me off on my travels. I will be sending thank you notes to all of them once I confirm a few email addresses. Those of you who read my blog that contributed, thank you - I appreciate it very, very, very much.

Afterwards, someone (ok, the organizer) bought two pairs of my earrings!!!!!!!!!!!!! She didn't buy them through my store on etsy, but in person. I was thrilled to sell them - they did look fabulous on the buyer :) She will look more spectacular than she always does when she wears them :)

After that, we picked up our car. We have a new car!!!!!!!! I don't have pictures yet because it was getting late, it was cold, and Ian had to curl, but we'll take some in the next few days. It is a very nice drive and we are quite happy with it. We will need to get used to it, of course :)

So overall it was a great day and filled with lots of positive emotion. I don't think I could ask for a better day than this. Thank you.

Technical support problems

Our internet went down earlier tonight. This is the third time it's happened; it has something to do with Bell, our service provider. They're also our phone company. Each time it's happened before, they've told us to just call and have them send the call up to second-level support.

So I tried to call and get it sent up to second-level support. Apparently the support database server is down and so they had no record of anyone's problems available to them. I told him that we've had this problem before and that we were told to call and have it go up to second-level support. I didn't get one of the a-team. Sigh. He seemed to think that he could still help me. He asked for my user id, phone number, and name, which apparently he typed into notepad. Then he asked what modem model we have. I've already told the guy that the problem is outside our house, and he asks me what modem model we have? That made me mad, because it's a completely irrelevant question. I know, the guy is following a script, but I don't do well with scripts.

I asked to speak to this person's supervisor and did so. He explained that they were to do what they could when their servers went down. I told him that they should be honest about the servers being down from the get-go. I also told him that it would be better if his people didn't ask stupid irrelevant questions when faced with some problems (like ours). Yes, I was my formerly normal, bitchy self.

We will have to call back another time in order to get our call recorded.

I also tried to access their site via my BlackBerry, and I can't get through to the online support there. It just says that I have an unsupported browser and gives me no option to proceed.

You might be able to tell that I'm not very happy with our internet service provider right now. I've been cranky for a couple of days (I don't really know why, but I've been impatient and cranky lately - maybe I'm tired?), and this doesn't help at all. I'll definitely give them a couple of calls tomorrow.

On the bright side, we're supposed to pick up our car tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!

We have a social life!

I listed a couple of items on Etsy today!!!!! :) I'm very excited! :) I don't expect anyone to rush out and buy my stuff as there's a lot of traffic on the site and I'm an unknown, but I hope that eventually my stuff will sell. Over the next few days I'll add more items. I wanted to start out small and build up my store.

We also went over to a friend's place to play games tonight. We played Alhambra, For Sale, and Strange but True.

We've played Alhambra before and we like it; it took a long time tonight because there were two new people and a number of us were playing with hard puzzle-things (the 3D kind that you have to put back together into a solid object). Ian and I are considering getting some expansion packs for this game as each pack adds interesting new features. We'll see.

We didn't eat dinner with our friends (they had pizza; we made a stir-fry), so we missed most of For Sale, but it looked pretty interesting. Basically, you buy houses as low as possible (by bidding) and try to sell them for as high a price as possible. It's a pretty quick game which is definitely an advantage.

We didn't like Strange but True. In it, you read 4 headlines, only one of which is an actual headline. Each person or team bets on whether they think that the headline is real or not. Afterward, a story corresponding to the headline is read out and each person or team bets on whether the story is unverified or true. It's not all that fun. It got a low rating on BoardGameGeek, though, so I wouldn't expect it to be that fun. If you're buying a board game, then you're better off sticking to games that have a rating of at least a 6.5 or 7 on BoardGameGeek. Games with that kind of rating tend to be well-thought out and interesting.

Lots of excitement around here

We pick up our new car (with snow tires) on Thursday!!!! We're both very excited. I made arrangements for the insurance, so that's all set up. We've got the parking space for the old car, and everything is falling into place. Yay :)

I ended up buying more semiprecious beads. Some of the freshwater pearl beads are on sale at Michaels so I picked up some of those. Then I went to my favourite semiprecious bead store and bought stuff. Probably too much stuff, I know. :) But I won't be going out for bead stuff for a while now.

I also fixed up the purse I'd made last fall; I am going to try to sell it. It is a beautiful purse and I think I could get some money for it. I'll list it (as well as a couple pairs of earrings - I fixed up all of my earrings to be the same size) tomorrow. While I hope someone will buy my stuff, I don't want to get my hopes up too high. The extra money would be nice, and it would also be nice to get rid of some of the stuff that I've made as well as the stuff that I will be making.

The usual kind of Sunday

We saw Bridge to Terabithia today. It was good - not quite what we expected, based on the trailers (we sort of expected something that was more like Narnia), but it was still good. The target audience would be pre-teens and teens with a good message, so if you like that sort of thing, I'd recommend that you see it. The special effects are very, very good.

The heroine (Leslie) reminded me very much of my niece. She was tall and willowy and had a beautiful face and eyes. My niece is beautiful like that. There was something about the way she moved, too, that reminded me of my niece - carefree and young and full of life and vitality. And she dressed in a way that I thought was like my niece; she was an individual and she put her clothes and hair together in her own way. It didn't matter what anyone else thought or said; she was her own person and she looked like that. My niece is like that, too. So I ended up watching the movie and thinking of my niece. I'm not saying that the heroine was EXACTLY like my niece, but she came across like my niece does, and just reminded me of her.

This is not to put down my nephews in any wya; they are beautiful and wonderful in their own way - but they're not girls. :)

I have finally taken good pictures of all of the earrings I've made. In doing so, I've found that some of my earring pairs differ in length by as much as 1/16" :( I'll have to fix those before attempting to sell them. The pictures are here. What do you think? Do the pictures accurately show the inherent beauty of the earrings? I'm assuming, of course, that the earrings are beautiful - I think they are, but I understand that others may disagree. :)

Ummm, yeah, I've made a lot of earrings. It is rather fun :) I really do hope that people will buy them; I know that the all-glass earrings won't be as expensive, but I do think that they're beautiful.

Oh!!!!!! Westjet will be flying to the Kitchener-Waterloo airport starting on May 14 until sometime in October. There's a seat sale on right now for 50% off from KW for travel from May 14 to June 27. So the price to and from Edmonton in that time would be $129. That is a fantastic price!!!!! If anyone is thinking of coming to visit, then please please please check with me before you book anything; as you know, we're doing some traveling. As well, my energy level varies depending on what's going on, and I wouldn't want to be exhausted during a visit.

A day of nothing

Ian let me sleep in today until after noon - that was nice :) I'd stopped taking the clonazepam because I was sleeping too long and having freaky dreams. My doctor told me to take 1/2 of a pill, and that doesn't make me groggy in the morning, doesn't make me sleep forever, and doesn't give me freaky dreams. It also means that I don't wake up in the night, which is nice.

I bought a tackle box in which to keep my jewelry stuff. It is a small one that has 3 separate plastic boxes that each can have 24 compartments. That's enough for me right now :) I especially like that this is very portable; I can sling it over my shoulder and go.

We also bought some chain and a dowel to use for photographing the earrings. Ian read a thing about photographing to sell on eBay, and we're trying to put those principles into practice. Not that I'll be selling on eBay, of course, but I do want to take good photographs of my stuff. People tell me that my earrings look much better in person than in the photographs, so that's not good.

Of course I'm making more earrings.... I just can't stop. :) I love each and every pair that I make, which is a good sign, I think.

Oh yeah, and we should be able to pick up the car on Wednesday. They're putting rust-proofing and scotchguarding stuff on. We hope that they'll be able to order snow tires and have them installed by then, too. We'll know more about that on Monday. In other good news, our landlord is providing a second parking space for the five months for free! We're quite happy about that :)

More about earrings

I spent quite a lot of the day shopping for more bead findings and stuff. I am able to get sterling silver wire from the local bead store for $5.50/m. That's a good price, and I use a lot of it. I made a couple of pairs of earrings today, and I'm in the middle of making another pair. I'm starting to do some of my own designs now and so far I'm pleased.

We're going to get some stuff so that I'm better able to photograph the earrings I've made. The pictures I've taken so far don't really show off the earrings to their best advantage, and if I'm going to try to sell them then they have to look as good in pictures as they do in reality.

I really have to finish up the purse I'm working on, too :) I almost have enough earrings to sell so that I can return to purses. I think that what I'll do is work on purses when Ian isn't home because I work on that stuff downstairs and then work on jewelry in the evenings when he's home and we're watching tv.

This is so exciting :) I like creating things that look nice - and I'm very proud of the work that I've done. Given that I've never done any wirework or jewelry before, I'm pleased that I'm able to do this work as easily as I have been doing it. Each pair of earrings now takes between 30 and 90 minutes.

A very exciting day

We put a deposit on the Civic Hybrid today. :) :) We're going to get the one that's sitting in the lot that we test drove. At least it'll be familiar to us :) We have to get the money together as well as insurance, but we should be able to pick up the car next week. We're both pretty excited :)

I've emailed our property management people to see if there's a parking space in which we could store the old leased car for the next five months. I'm not totally comfortable leaving the car in someone else's driveway, but I'd be happy to park it here. The other option is to take it back to Mazda and pay out the lease. That would mean that we'd end up paying for the car anyways - so if possible, we might as well keep it around and drive it. As well, if we kept it and Ian does take the new car to weekend juggling festivals, then I would still have a car available.

I also made more earrings today. You can see my work here. I'm quite happy with them, myself :). I'm thinking of making more and trying to sell them. What do you think? Think I could get $25-$30/pair?

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you all had a good Valentine's Day and got to eat lots of Valentine's Day chocolate :)

We spent most of the day at various doctor's appointments. The roads were pretty bad, so it was a good thing that we had stayed in Mississauga. My first appointment was with my surgeon, and it was pretty uneventful. My second appointment was with my family doctor because I had to drop off the insurance form for him. He requested a chest xray because of the coughing and shortness of breath that I've been experiencing. I expect to get the results of that next week.

I'm sure a bunch of you are wondering what all I'm taking these days, because I've talked about various medical problems I've had. The list of stuff I'm taking is long :) I take:

• Femara (aka letrozole) and oral clodronate for the metastatic cancer. Femara removes what little estrogen is left in my body after the oophorectomy (my tumours are fed by estrogen), and clodronate builds up my bones to counteract the cancer's actions.
• Nexium for the problems I was having after eating, where my stomach would burn and hurt. My stomach no longer hurts since I've been taking the Nexium :)
  
• Celebrex for my lower back, which was injured some time ago and which hurts when I wake up. The clodronate makes this pain worse, but the Celebrex has been keeping the pain at bay.
• Oxycodone (aka Oxycontin) and occasionally Percocet for the mets pain, both in the sternum and in my left femur (although the femur spot has not been confirmed as mets). My bone mets pain is severe, and so I take the painkillers.
  
• Cipralex (aka Lexapro) for depression - it's been working - I feel much happier these days!
  
• Clonazepam (aka Klonopin) to help me sleep and to help with anxiety. I'm supposed to take 1/2 of a pill in the hopes that it won't give me bad dreams and will keep me asleep for a reasonable amount of time.
• Symbicort and Ventolin for my asthma.
• Aerius for my allergies.

I also take a variety of vitamins as well as some other things to counteract some of the side effects of the oxycodone. But that list contains the main things that I take. My pharmacist has done a good job of making sure that I don't have any drug interactions.

I made my first pair of earrings tonight!!!!!!! You can see the finished product here. I don't have a picture of me wearing them because Ian isn't home yet and I can't take a good close-up picture of me without his help, but I'll add one when I get a chance. I'm quite happy with them for a first try. I don't think all my loops are perfect loops or the exact same size, but I'm still very pleased. It took a long time to make these earrings - about4 hours - but then I'd never done it before. I did waste a few of my findings in figuring out how to do stuff. I'm looking forward to making more earrings in the next few days. :)

Beads, beads, and more beads

Tomorrow night Ian is busy and so I'm going to spend it trying to make earrings. I still want to get back to working on the accent thingy for the purse I'm making. Ian says I never finish anything (which is partly true), but I want to try all of these different things, and I want to try the earrings fist. In order to make earrings, I need beads and findings, so I went looking for them today. I hope this works :) I know that it will be sort of tricky to bend the wire and stuff, but I think I can do it.

Michael's has a sale on sterling silver findings and some beads, so I bought a bunch of findings. I also bought a kit thing that has all of the different tools necessary for the job. The most important one will be the round-nose plier thingy used to make loops. Once I bought all that stuff, I went over to the local bead store, but they didn't have the beads I wanted. Sigh.

I had an hour before my group, so I went back to Michael's to get some beads. I managed to get a bunch and then somehow managed to get to my group on time, although I did have to rush. Time flies when you're looking at beads. After my group, I rushed back to the bead store to get some other beads. I now have enough beads to make two of the three pairs of the earrings I like. One of the pairs I can make multiple times over; I couldn't buy just a couple of beads, so I have a lot. :)

Tomorrow I see my family doctor and my surgeon and Ian has an appointment as well. We're in Mississauga tonight because the appointments are early and the weather is bad. There is a bead store in Oakville very near to my surgeon's office; I hope that there is time between my appointment with my surgeon and my family doctor to pop into the store and see if they have some more beads I like.

Supporting our ideals

We took the Honda Civic Hybrid out again today. We both decided that we do like it a bit better than the Nissan Versa; the Versa is a good car much like our own, but the Honda is a little bit of a step up.

We have run all the numbers, and yes, the Hybrid is a bit more expensive, but the monthly payments aren't that much more (although they do go on for an extra year). The payments for either are well within our budget. The insurance would be $10/month more than the Versa, which isn't very much.

So it looks like we're going to go with the Hybrid, and with our ideals, instead of the Versa. We'll be out for the next couple of days, but we hope to seal the deal by the weekend. If we don't get the car on the lot, then we might have to wait for 6 weeks or so before the car is delivered. That's not a problem.

The only question is, what do we do with our current car? The lease isn't up until July this year. We're thinking of parking it somewhere; we just have to find a place to put it. We'll see. We'll be taking the plates off and putting them on the new car, I think. I don't expect that the car company will just let us take the car back early.

On another note, I'm having a lot of breathing/asthma problems lately. I have used my inhaler a LOT, which is unusual for me. I know that it could be related to the cold, but it wasn't even very cold out there today, and today was especially bad for me. I see my family doctor on Wednesday; I'll talk to him about this then.

I was outraged.... and I shopped

I just read that that the Breast Cancer Society of Canada refused to accept a donation from the Exotic Dancers for Canada because the group donating was too "controversial". The group apparently raises money every year in memory of a dancer who died of breast cancer.

It makes me so mad to hear that any group views exotic dancers as second-class citizens. I've never been an exotic dancer myself, but I am a feminist. Who is this group to judge that exotic dancers can't contribute to their organization? For heaven's sake, strippers are people, too. They could get breast cancer just like I did, and for their money to be refused by a breast cancer organization is an outrage. Aaargggh.

I wrote an email to the Breast Cancer Society of Canada to tell them exactly what I think of this asinine decision. I told them that I thought it was outrageous, that I wouldn't donate money to them again, and that I would encourage others to not donate to them as well. There are a lot of breast cancer groups out there, and I'm going to make sure that my money doesn't go to this group. I encourage all of you to do the same. If you want to donate to someone who does breast cancer research in Canada, the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation is a good choice. The Canadian Cancer Society is always a good choice as well, of course :).

Ok, I'm calmer now. I was really mad earlier.

On a less rant-y note, I bought a bunch of beads today. I was able to get them cheaper than at the store where I'd purchased them before because they were half-price at the store. I got lots and lots and lots of colours. Now I've got to do something with them :). I also got some tulle in several colours. The only thing I was disappointed about was that I couldn't find any black individual sequins; I need them for something I'm working on. I got some fabric remnants as well.

I also was looking longingly at the jewelry-making stuff. I have no idea how to make jewelry, of course, but... well, you see, there are these earrings that I like but that I can't afford. I think I could probably make them; I'll go to the bead store and see if I can find some cheaper versions of the stones and findings. We'll see.

More test driving plus a movie

We test drove three cars today: the Toyota Yaris Hatchback, the Nissan Versa, and the Honda Fit. We wanted to drive cars that are comparable to our Mazda 3 sport.

We didn't like the Yaris. While it is zippy, it's very small and loud. We also didn't like the center instrument console. The front seat wouldn't go far enough back for Ian to sit comfortably to drive it, and the place for the left foot wasn't comfortable for either of us. On the plus side, it had ok visibility. We wouldn't buy this car, although if I were buying a car for the first time and had no money, I'd consider this one. It's not at all right for the two of us, though.

We very much like the Versa. It's a lot like our current Mazda 3, with similar instrument paneling, feel, and comfort. It was a fairly quiet ride, too, which is nice. It felt like it had a lot of pickup as well. The back seat has a ton of space, even if Ian is the one in front. The car isn't quite as wide as our car, and so curling brooms would be hard to transport (yes, we brought a curling broom and a paddle to each test drive to see whether or not they would fit in the cars). The thing we're most concerned about is that the weatherstripping had come loose on the driver's side back seat window, and the right mirror was cracked. We assume that the mirror was cracked because of vandalism on the lot, but we want to look into maintenance issues on this car. Right now there is a promotion on for 1% purchase financing with 30% of the purchase prices of the car down. That is a plus :). The Versa is definitely in the running.

We didn't like the Fit at all. It isn't a safe car for me to drive because I can't see around the headrest to do shoulder checks. Stop laughing, you people! :) It isn't a picnic being 5' tall, and the car needs to fit both of us. It also was a bit of a noisy car. It's comparable to the Yaris; if I had to choose between the two, I'd pick the Yaris.

So it's come down to a choice between the Honda Civic Hybrid and the Nissan Versa. Put another way, we have to choose between our environmental ideals and a car that is very much like our current car. The Honda Civic Hybrid would be a bit of a compromise for us, as it's a bit narrower for Ian and it doesn't have 60/40 split seats (which we like for hauling stuff). The Versa is a lot like our current car but with better fuel economy and is fun to drive. It is less of a compromise and is less expensive.

How much are we willing to pay, and how much are we willing to compromise, for our ideals? I don't know. We're running the numbers now; I have to get an insurance quote on both to see how much each will cost us. We expect to make a decision by next weekend. We'll probably take the Civic out again to see what it's like, and we may end up taking the Versa out again as well. Really, I wish every car was a hybrid and that we didn't have to compromise our ideals for a car we love. Sigh.

Later on, we rented the movie Hard Candy. It is a strange movie and not at all suitable for children. It's about a girl who meets a guy on the internet and then meets him for coffee. Thing is, she's 14 and he's 32. She convinces him to take her back to his place, and some very bad situations ensue. It's not a sexual movie, though. The strangest thing about this movie is that it doesn't have a soundtrack, and most of the movie takes place in his house. In some ways, it's a very intellectual movie - a movie that makes you think - not just about pedophilia, which is obviously a huge theme, but also about what makes someone a psychopath. It is an interesting , albeit disturbing, movie that can at times seem slow-paced. I'd recommend it.

I had a dream...

I had a dream last night that really stuck with me. I dreamt that I went to work even though I knew that I wasn't allowed to do that because of the long-term disability. I was very nervous and worried when I went in. When I got there, I didn't know anyone there. The office was completely different, too, although I was able to find my own desk. I sat down and tried to do work but I couldn't figure out what to do - I know I was trying to do some SQL queries that were in some wrapper scripts, and I just couldn't figure it out. I tried and tried and tried, but I couldn't make it work. Then I went to get a pop but I didn't have the right kind of money, they didn't have what I wanted, and I couldn't get back into the office because I forgot my passcard. I managed to sneak back in and go back to my desk, where it occurred to me that I should look at my email. I ended up leaving then; someone I used to work with at Levi's drove me home.

I don't know why this dream stuck with me more than others - I guess because it was about work and there was a lot of confusion and uncertainty. The feelings were very strong and very negative, Clearly I'm not ready to go back :) I hope that if I ever do go back, it isn't like that dream. It felt awful, working in my dream.

A slow day

Sorry - I forgot to add a title to yesterday's post. I've fixed that now :) I do the title at the end of the post so that it can sort of sum up what I've talked about, and I was really tired last night.

I've been awake more hours than usual lately - I'm actually awake for up to 12 hours in a day now :) This is fantastic! I feel almost like a normal person, although I wouldn't say that I'm ready to join the legions of people who work for a living. It's still all I can do in one day to get up, get showered, get dressed, and do something that's not just sitting in front of the tv.

This afternoon I managed to do some sewing while watching tv. I was actually down there for a couple of hours, until I had to stop and think about what I was going to do next. That's kind of what happens when I'm making something - I figure out how to complete one stage, so I do that, and then I have to figure out how to do the next stage. So right now, for example, I'm trying to figure out how to add an accent piece on what I'm making. I know sort of what I want it to look like, but I can't quite figure out how to make it look like that. So I'm taking a break to think about that (and some other designs, too).

Random thoughts

I had to go and buy a new toque because I lost my other one and it's too cold out to go without one. While I was shopping, a pair of shoes jumped onto my feet and begged to be bought. They were very cute and on sale and so I took them home with me. They're this pair. It's the butterflies that got me. And the fact that they're flat and cute. I am so weak.

I also played around with some of the fabrics and stuff that I have. Since I have a tv downstairs now, I can keep up with my shows and work on stuff there. Not that I'm watching anything exciting these days - during the day I watch various Star Trek shows. But at least I don't have to sit on the couch like a lump - I can sit downstairs and play with my fabrics and try to figure out how to make stuff.

Speaking of work, I mailed in my insurance forms yesterday. Sigh. They wanted copies of all my latest scans and reports, which was a bit of a pain to get together. I will be taking the physician forms to my family doctor next week. I have no idea when I'll go back to work. I'm not going back right now - I'm definitely staying on long-term disability for now.

I was thinking about work, and it occurred to me that no matter what job I do if I go back, people are going to expect me to be the same person I was when I left. I was very efficient and very good at my job; I was definitely the go-to person in that group. I'm not that person now. I can't do that kind of work any more, because it's too stressful. Being the best performer and the go-to person and the one who knows how to make stuff work means that I worked every night on my BlackBerry. Ian used to hate it, because I was always checking messages and working and working and working and working.

So if I ever go back then I can't be that hyper-efficient person I was - or at least, I can't do it outside of business hours. I don't know how hard it would be for people to accept the "new me" - the people who don't know me won't have any expectations, but the people with whom I worked closely (and who haven't left) might still think I was the person I used to be. That could suck a lot for me and for those other people. I'll stop thinking about this unless I actually go back - there's no point stressing myself out over something that might not even happen.

Making more stuff

I sketched out some purse ideas today. It was fun - I haven't done creative things in a while. I bought some cheap purses at Value Village a while back so that I could use their frames. I took one of them apart and am going to use the frame and the body structure to make another purse. I need some ribbon and a small piece for the lining but I think that's all I need for that one. I hope it works out. I have ideas for a couple more purses for which I think I have fabric. If not, I can hopefully use fabric remnants. I will need to get some beads and sequins and stuff, too.

I like being able to design things, and I've been doing it since I was a little girl. I designed a wardrobe for Grade 1, although I think I had to pick my one favourite outfit :). In my preteen years I designed evening gowns. Once I learned how to sew, I designed some clothes for myself and would even make them sometimes.

Making clothes can be complicated, but making purses is mostly easier :) I don't know as much about purse infrastructures as I do about making clothes, but I'll learn. I'm going to try to sell them, which may or may not be successful. It doesn't really matter to me whether or not I sell stuff I make, but trying to sell them gives me some justification for making stuff I don't need :) The bottom line is that I have a strong need to make things, and for now, those things will be purses.

One of those busy and tiring days

The appointment with the genetics counselor was uneventful. She took my history again, and said that it was highly unlikely that I would test positive for any of the deviations for which they're testing. Apparently the main difference between the testing that I got before and the testing I'll get now is that they have a new test that not only compares genes to see if there is a positive variation (ie one of the known mutations is present) but they also test to see if some genes are missing. So we'll see. It'll take about 4 months to get the results. This is not a fast process.

The drive to and from the appointment was really awful because of slippery roads and snow and stuff - I didn't exceed 30kph for both drives to and from the hospital. I wish that drivers wouldn't tailgate when the conditions are bad like that and there are accidents all over the city - grrr. Between the earliness of the appointment, the fact that I didn't sleep well last night, and the drive, I was very, very tired.

I ended up sleeping for a long time when I got home, meaning that I skipped both Well-fit and bellydancing. I just felt so exhausted and I was having trouble breathing that I felt that it would be better to not do physical activities today. I think my asthma is acting up. It was like I didn't have enough breath to finish my sentences - it was a very strange experience. We've put the humidifier on because it may be the dry air making my asthma worse. If that doesn't help, I'll talk to my doctor.

Tonight after I rested, we went to a friend's place to play Werewolf. It's a slightly different game than we're used to because it has cards we haven't played with before. There was a fairly large group playing - 14 or 15 at the peak - and so we could introduce the different new cards. We enjoyed ourselves very much and had a great time, as did everyone else, I think. One of these days we'll need to host our very own big games night, but we need to get some things first (like some card tables and card chairs and that kind of thing).

Superbowl Sunday

After curling, we went to a friend's house for their Superbowl party. They have it every year. There weren't as many people there this year as last year, which was kind of nice. We only got to see the last half or so of the game, so we missed the half-time show. That's too bad, because I like Prince.

The thing that sucks in Canada about the Superbowl is that we get a Canadian feed - the US feed is shuffled through the Canadian station, and so we get mostly Canadian commercials. That means that we don't get to see many cool new US commercials - we get to see not cool Canadian commercials :(. Sigh. I know, I can go to YouTube's Superbowl page or whatever to see them tonight or tomorrow, but it's not the same.

I have to get up ridiculously early (for me) tomorrow again because I'm seeing the genetic counselor at 9am. There are some new genetic tests they can do since the last time I had the testing done, and so I'd like to get them done. I don't think it'll change my life any if I test positive for a mutation, but I'd like to know if I do have one that they know about. And if I test positive, then my sisters have the option of getting tested, too.

On a completely unrelated note, I've been following this blog of a young woman who had some kind metastatic colorectal cancer. She had been admitted to hospital on January 13 and she died this morning. Her husband has been blogging her final days while he watched her in hospital (they have both been blogging there for the last 8 months or so as well). It's very sad and very touching - the blog is here, but don't read it unless you are ready to cry. I hope that Ian will also blog for me when I can't do it myself.

Test-driving the Honda Civic Hybrid

We test-drove a Honda Civic Hybrid today. It drove pretty well - I didn't notice the continuous variable transmission (CVT), whatever it is - acceleration, stopping, and normal driving felt normal to me. It's pretty sophisticated technology, that's for sure. We both felt that the ride was very smooth and very quiet. We were surprised at how much trunk space it has; we were actually able to fit a paddle and a curling broom back there - we were worried that with the battery back there, we wouldn't be able to fit it.

One thing that Ian didn't like was that it is a bit narrower in the front than our car, and he felt that visibility out the front window wasn't quite as good as our car. Also, there's no "mute" button for the stereo on the steering wheel. I liked the adjustability of the seats and steering wheel as well as how much space there is in the back seat. Overall, we liked the car. We'll test-drive a few more, but we could certainly make this car fit into our life.

What surprised and annoyed me was that the salesperson seemed to be trying to talk us OUT of buying a hybrid. He started by saying that the hybrid wouldn't give us that much increased mileage, because we don't do much city driving (apparently the mileage gains during city driving are quite phenomenal). We said that that didn't matter to us, because our driving habits will likely change once Ian finishes school. And I drive around the city when I drive.

So when that didn't work to talk us out of it, He said that it didn't have as many colour choices. Whatever. We had already said that we didn't care about the colour of the car so much.

I guess he pulled out his big gun then; he said that buying the hybrid would be too expensive. The hybrid costs about $5000 more (less a $2000 rebate from the government) than the Honda Civic sedan. Honda has 4.9% financing on the sedan and 7.1% on the hybrid, so it is more expensive to buy a hybrid, all other things being equal, when you finance through Honda. We're hoping to get bank financing for the car so this may not be an issue. Even if it is, we started off by saying that we understood that it was more expensive, but that we wanted to do our part to help out the environment, and we felt that we have the means to buy a hybrid.

Then the salesperson stopped talking us out of the car we wanted, and talked about leasing was better than buying. We had already said that we planned to buy the car. However, apparently if you manage your money right, you can invest the final buyout amount in something that will make money over the lease period, and you'll end up ahead after the buyout. Unfortunately, we're unlikely to do that, since we don't have the $10000ish extra that we're not using to buy a car to invest. How many people do?

I am really pissed off that the salesperson and Honda don't seem to be committed to selling hybrid cars. I understand that since Honda doesn't sell as many hybrids as they do sedans, they don't get as much revenue from them, and that's why they finance with a higher interest rate. But that just seems backward to me. I think that Honda should be ENCOURAGING people to buy a hybrid with things like lower financing and other rebates. Sheesh. I'm really, really annoyed by this. We just find out that we have big-time problems with climate change, caused by people, and I don't think that car companies and oil companies are doing enough to help reduce emissions.

I wish I knew what to do to change this. There's something not right here.

Appointment with the oncologist

I saw the oncologist this morning. She said that it takes Femara at least three months to start working, and of course I've been taking the Femara for exactly that long. She felt that we should give the Femara a real chance to work. So we're going to wait two more months while taking the Femara and see what happens. We're not going to do any scans on my left femur because even if there were something there, that wouldn't change the decision to wait two months to see what happens.

She seems to think that the pain I have is flare-up pain; that the biopsies combined with the treatments have made the tumours in my sternum inflamed, and that the pain should lessen soon. She said that it's very normal to have flare-up pain when Femara starts to work, and that she's heard of women having flare-up pain for three months.

If I still have a lot of pain and/or my tumour markers don't go down after two months, then we'll look at another treatment. My CA 15-3 tumour marker actually dropped from August (58.8) to October (48), which surprised me, although 48 is still above normal. So that marker would need to be 48 or lower in two months.

She was actually happy about the bone scan results, because she said that the scans get worse before they get better. And she said that I did the right thing by calling them when I did. I feel a bit better about calling even though the scans didn't show anything.

So overall the appointment went well. I'm happy with the outcome; I wasn't prepared to wait three months to see if this would work, but two is a good compromise. Plus that means that I won't have switched treatments before I go to Las Vegas :) And who knows - maybe the pain really will go away and I'll have a more normal, stable life on Femara for a while.

Later on during curling, I wore my pink shirt and used my new pink curling broom. Apparently they were a very attractive combination when I fell. Yep, I fell on the ice tonight - it doesn't happen very often. Reports are that I bounced; what happened is that is slipped on my slider foot, fell on my knee, and then fell again on my shoulder. I didn't fall on my head, thank goodness. I have a goose-egg on my left knee, and I pulled my right shoulder a bit. We'll see how stiff I really am tomorrow, of course. Silly me :) I'm fine, though, really. I was a bit shook up after falling, but I'm fine. :)

Shopping adventures

You should all be very, very proud of me today. I went to Winner's (my favourite store), and I didn't buy this pair (Aries) of shoes by Betsey Johnson for $100, or this other pair (Meri) of shoes by Betsey Johnson for $100, or a pair like this (Lemore) in distressed beige leather by Steven by Steven Madden shoes for $60. Yes! Winner's has Betsey Johnson shoes!!!!! I love love love love love these shoes!!!!!

I wanted all three pairs of shoes, all right. I don't have a lot of need for the Betsey Johnson shoes because I have no place to wear them - I just wanted them because they're beautiful shoes. And I do love beautiful shoes so much......... Sigh. I could almost find a use for the Steven shoes, but the colour wasn't quite right so I passed them up. So I didn't buy any of these shoes, even though I really really really really wanted them, because I am trying to save some money.

Instead I ended up spending money on makeup - but it was substantially less than the shoes would have cost. :) One of the drug stores is having a sale on the Physician's Formula makeup that I love, and so I bought some stuff I didn't have as well as some replacement mascara - they have a creme mascara (Lash-in-a-Tube) that is fantastic! I did find two foundations that I'm happy with - one is a Physician's Formula; there's a lightest colour that is working for me (yay!), and the other is a Marcelle brand in their lightest colour. I tell you, this colour-matching stuff is tricky.

At least I didn't spend that much money today; I'm happy about that. And I was able to find a couple of products that I like that weren't too expensive. All in all, a pretty successful day. It was a good way for me to spend the day before my oncologist's appointment. I'm feeling reasonably calm about tomorrow; I just hope that it goes well.

Upcoming oncology appointment

I see my oncologist on Friday at 9am. That's awfully early for me, as I'm not usually up until around 11am or noon or 3pm or so :). It will be a challenge just being awake for the appointment.

I've been doing some thinking about the appointment. We'd done the bone scan because of the pain in my femur, and I think I'm going to ask for a CT scan of the femur. I don't think I need to ask for other scans, although part of me would like to know whether or not there's cancer growing somewhere else. We'll see what happens.

As I've mentioned before, I have this fear that whatever is going on is all in my head. I still think that I need to push to find out if there is something going on, though. I'm very tired in that way that I've had when the cancer was progressing before. I don't know how to describe it, except to say that it feels like I've been run over by a truck and everything takes too much energy. Every time I've been this tired before, there have been other reasons for this tiredness - I was a student and studying hard, or working too hard, or I've just upped my meds - but this particular tiredness underlies all those "normal" reasons for being tired.

Anyways, I've got to talk to my oncologist about all this. From what other people have said, they feel a lot better when they're on Femara - and I don't feel a lot better. I think I felt a bit better in December, but now I definitely feel worse. So we'll see what happens.

Oh, and I'm not happy with the Physician's Formula foundation that I bought yesterday :( It's not quite the right colour. I think I know of one that is the right colour, but that particular kind was sold out yesterday. So if you want a barely-used Physician's Formula foundation (there's a sponge applicator, but I only gave it a try on my clean skin and didn't cover my whole face) in creamy-beige, the lightest colour, let me know.

We bought some things today.....

We bought new curling brooms today! One is a Performance Carbon Fiber Handle in pink with a blue head. The other is a Performance Fiberglass Handle in white with a red head. Both handles have a 1" diameter. The carbon fiber broom is lighter so it's easier to sweep with. I'll use it on Fridays and Sundays when I am sweeping. On those days Ian will use the fiberglass broom since he's usually skipping and doesn't need to sweep nearly as much. Ian will use the carbon fiber broom on Thursdays, when he's sweeping. I'm so excited about these new brooms!!!! I can't wait to try them out on Friday. :) :)

In a plug for my favourite cosmetics, Physician's Formula has introduced a line of mineral-based cosmetics for sensitive skin. I'm going to try out their foundation. It turns out that I'm one of the 3% of people who don't match the foundations that are supposed to match 97% of people. Sigh. I hope the Physician's Formula foundation works. I love all of their other products, and would like to love their foundation, too.

BTW, I have posted pictures of the top and skirt that I wore on Saturday here. I look kinda dorky in one of the pictures, but whatever. I look kinda dorky in real life sometimes, too :)

Bellydancing couldn't be any more fun :)

I really like the way that my instructor is teaching us the various bellydance moves. The studio used to number the moves, but apparently they're not doing that anymore. That's good because I was always forgetting which number was which move :). My instructor also explains things in a very clear and concise way. She's not afraid of her students touching her to figure out what she's doing.

I'm very glad that I'm taking the class with my instructor, although I was a bit hesitant about taking the class with her at first. She had taught half of the last full class I took and that experience wasn't as good - it was her first bellydance teaching experience, she was taking over for someone else who used different vocabulary, and it was all kinda crazy. This experience is much, much better. I feel like I'm learning a lot more, and I feel like I'm actually becoming a better bellydancer.

Oh, and I drove myself to and from Well-fit and to and from bellydance. Yay! It's the first time I've driven since my meds were upped and all the new meds were added. I'm glad that I'm able to drive for short distances, at least. My doctor doesn't want me driving for too long, and he doesn't want me driving on the highway (which I take to mean the 400-series crazy busy highways here in Ontario). At least I can get myself to and from places here in Kitchener-Waterloo by myself. Ian appreciates this, too, because it means that he's not tied to my schedule so much :)

Sunday movies and curling

We saw Pan's Labyrinth today. Both of us thought that it would be all "Alice in Wonderland", but there were only a few parts that were like going down the rabbit hole into an alternate universe. There were certainly fairy-tale structures; our protagonist has three tasks that she has to complete, and she makes a mistake while completing one of them. Also, the movie is very dark, like older fairy tales - there is no Disneyfication here. The majority of the movie takes place in Spain in 1944 just after a civil war in a mill under command of a captain. Pacing-wise, the movie may feel slow, but really, a lot happens in every scene. This movie is subtitled so be prepared for that.

In many ways, I think that the movie is a very deep, multi-connected, multi-textured movie. Watching it is like reading a classic novel with lots and lots of interconnections, where it's exciting to find each one. After watching it, I wanted to figure out all the similarities and differences between the captain and Pan. We talked for quite a while afterward about it, dissecting various parts of it. I wish I could talk more about it here. This is a fantastic movie, and we highly recommend it.

We took some pictures of my modified curling pants and curling clothes. They're here. The clothes I wore last night are in the laundry right now, but we will take some pictures of me in that outfit on Tuesday.

A night out

We went with some friends to see Sex and the Second City tonight. It was funny :) We all laughed and laughed. The story revolved around a couple who was getting a divorce. It's a musical and was very well done; the songs and music were very good. We'd wondered how it would be, seeing this kind of show in a place where interactivity between the performers and audience was difficult, but they did very well. There were a few improv elements that worked out pretty well, too. I'd recommend the show.

I did some shopping this afternoon because I didn't feel that I had anything to wear, and I managed to get a great top for only $15! The elbow-length sleeves are cut in one with the body of the top. There is a 4" clingy black band at the bottom with matching 2" non-clingy bands on the sleeves. It blouses out over the bottom band and has a nice wide-ish oval neckline. The fabric is a black background with red and cream things on it - it's vaguely Oriental-inspired, I guess. It's not like anything I'd ever tried on before. Anyways, it looks fantastic on me, and it looked great with my black pencil skirt. I think it would look good with black pants, too. I got some cheap but awesome jewelry, too.

We went for dinner at Ellison's Bistro, this new place in Kitchener. It's Caribbean and soul-inspired with a European twist. We had just over an hour for dinner before we had to leave for the show, which should have been enough time for dinner. Unfortunately, the place got very busy just before we arrived (they were about half-full), and there was only the one cook and the one person in the front. We told the person that we had to leave by 7:30pm.... she looked a little worried, but didn't say anything. I guess we should have asked whether there would actually have been time, but I wish she had told us that there wouldn't be enough time.

We waited 1 hour and 15 minutes without receiving our entrees and ended up leaving to make our show. We paid for the drinks we'd had and the appetizers but not the entrees. They kept saying that our food was just about ready but we felt that we had waited too long and we absolutely had to leave. I felt kinda bad about walking out like that - when we walked out, they were actually finally plating our food - but we had to leave to make the show on time.

The food seemed pretty good, but the service is excruciatingly slow. They need more people in the kitchen and the person in the front wasn't very good. She couldn't do more than one thing at a time and she was very linear about the way things were done. She had a queue of tasks and she stuck to that without fail, which was frustrating - as we were trying to pay, she asked if we could wait while she dealt with someone else... well, no, we couldn't because we had to leave. The cook ended up figuring out our bill. We might go back to the restaurant when they've had time to settle in a bit more (or if no one else is there) because the food actually looks good.

A long day waiting at home

So we spent all day waiting for the phone guy to arrive. It turns out that he never had to come in because the problem was definitely on their end. Yep, we knew that - but we waited anyways. They have to switch the line but it was too late to do that by the time he got there. We have a hum on the line now (until they switch the line), but at least we can both make and receive calls. Yay! Connections with the outside world are restored!

Apparently if we have problems after they switch the line, we should call the internet helpline and not the phone helpline. Because our high-speed internet is supplied by our phone company, apparently our telephone line is more complicated and needs a high-speed internet technician to work with it.

I managed to get some more hemming and stuff done, too. My curling pants were too loose on the back waist and they had a tendency to creep downwards. This was bad, because during my rock delivery I would end up showing the skin on my back (and sometimes giving a flash of my undies). I don't have to tell you that this made me a little uncomfortable, do I? :) I fixed the problem by adding elastic to the back waist which tightens the pants there. The end result doesn't look too dorky, and the pants definitely fit better. It's good to get the sewing machine out again.

Oh yeah, and I tried to sleep without the clonazepam last night and had a crappy night's sleep. As much as I don't want to think that I'm addicted to something to help me sleep, well, I'll take the clonazepam tonight. I need my sleep, I really do. I don't think that I can really help heal myself of the cancer unless I'm well-rested.

Doctor's appointment

Today was another one of those big days. I had a brief nap on the way to the doctor's, but aside from that I was awake from 8:15am until 10pm. Of course I had a cup of coffee and a Diet Coke. I'm exhausted now, though.

My doctor is not going to put me on Wellbutrin right now as he doesn't want to put me on too many more drugs, although I will stay on the Cipralex. If I take the Cipralex at night, it doesn't make me as sleepy as if I took it in the morning. Plus I feel better already since I've been taking it - I haven't cried once or been unreasonably angry since I started it, and I've definitely been happier, too. My doctor said that I should try not taking the clonazepam at night to see whether or not I'll end up less tired during the day. I take increased Oxycodone at night which definitely helps me sleep, so maybe I don't also need the clonazepam to help me sleep :).

My doctor is also giving me Celebrex for my back pain. The bone scan showed an area of degeneration on some of my lower vertebrae (L5-S1), and that area hurts a LOT when I wake up after sleeping for 12 or 13 hours. I'd thought that I just had a stiff back because I sleep on my back now, but there's actually damage there that is causing the pain. At least it isn't cancer.

After all that, I managed to hem a skirt I bought in the summer. It's a black pencil skirt and has needed hemming (although I've worn it anyways) since I bought it. It looks even better now :)

What happened to our phone?

So it turns out that we have no phone service.

I'd been a little surprised over the last week or so that there were never messages on the answering machine, because we usually get calls from telemarketers and stuff, but I didn't really think anything of it. Then today the person from Genetic Counseling called my work phone because she couldn't get through to our home phone. To callers, the phone seemed to ring once and then click a few times and hang up.

At that time, I was able to call the phone company on our phone. They're sending someone out on Friday - they could have sent someone tomorrow, but we won't be home most of the day. They told me that if it turned out to be our fault somehow, we would be charged $75-$100, and tried to offer us some insurance that costs $7/month. We refused the insurance, of course, because we don't think that this is our problem, and why would we pay an extra $7/month for something that we almost certainly don't need.

Later on, a technician called and said that our line seemed fine. He reiterated the fact that if the problem is our fault, we'll pay $75-$100. Whatever. When we got home, the phone didn't work at all. Kinda makes you wonder if the technician screwed up the line even more than it was already messed up, doesn't it?

Anyways, I see the Genetic Counselor on February 5 . Apparently there are a couple of refinements to the tests that I'd had done before, so we're going to go ahead and do the more refined tests. Chances are that they still won't show anything, but I think it's worth it to do the tests.

Support groups

With the help of two cups of coffee, I managed to get up at 10am and stay awake all day. That's really something! I don't expect to repeat this feat tomorrow, of course :)

There are a lot of things that suck about having stage IV breast cancer. One of them is going to support groups with people who have lower stages of breast cancer. Don't get me wrong; many of the people with lower stages of breast cancer are wonderful and supportive and positively touch the lives around them.

But sometimes the non-stage IV people end up scared by us "metsters", as we call ourselves, and so don't want to come to the same meetings. Or sometimes when someone new finds out they have mets, the non-metsters freak out and threaten to leave. Sigh.

I love support groups and I belong to a variety of them. But it's hard having stage IV breast cancer and feeling like you're the boogeyman, like you're the one that embodies their worst fears. I understand why these people react the way they do (because they're scared) - but it still hurts.

Lots of activitiy today

I got to do both Well-fit and bellydancing today. I needed a nap between the two activities (after having got up at 12:30pm). Thankfully, I don't seem to have too much pain during either bellydance or Well-fit. I'm exhausted now, of course. If Heroes weren't back on the air, then I would be in bed now.

It turns out that my bellydance class will be doing a recital towards the end of the term - probably on my birthday, March 31. If the recital is on that day, then I won't be able to take part as we'll be in Las Vegas. That's kinda sucks, because I would have liked to be in the recital; I like performing, even if I'm not that good at it. I'll still practice as though I were going to take part in the recital, though. That will make the class interesting.

I'm still very much liking the bellydance class. We're learning new techniques and, more importantly, old techniques in new ways. This will help me gain a strong ground in the fundamentals. Yay!

A little sleep, and a big day

I was up (comparatively) early today - I managed to get up at 11:15am. That's much earlier than the last few days :) First we watched Lucky Number Slevin. It's great! We both really liked it. It's got a lot of funny bits and a lot of puzzles - nothing is quite what it seems, which makes for a fantastic, spellbinding movie. We'd highly recommend this one as it's quite entertaining. I also especially liked the wall coverings everywhere.

We spent a few hours at a baby shower for one of my dragonboat teammates - she had a son a couple of months ago. He was very cute - but then, he slept the whole time we were there :)

I didn't hold the baby, because I'm not ready for that, but I did look at it. I didn't even cry afterward, which is a big step. You may recall that the last time I saw a baby, I was very, very upset. I guess that since I was less upset, I must either be getting better or the antidepressants are working. Either way, it's a step in the right direction.

When we got back to Waterloo, I curled. We'll be curling on Sunday nights. Normally we'll only curl 6 ends, which is manageable for me, but tonight we curled 7 which was a bit much. I ended up pretty exhausted afterwards. Now I'm worried that I won't be able to do both Well-fit and bellydance tomorrow - that it'll be too much for me. I'll just have to wait and see tomorrow.

Even more sleep

So I fell asleep at about 10:30pm last night and Ian woke me at midnight to take my pills. I read for a few minutes, but was definitely asleep by 12:30am.

Then I slept until 3pm today. I hadn't expected to sleep that long - 16 hours - but I did. After about five hours of being awake, I started getting sleepy again :( Now I'm just about ready to go to bed again.

We watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. It was ok. It was very, very gory - where the original movie only suggested the chainsaw's entry point into the victims, this one showed both the entry and exit points. It's definitely not something to watch unless you want a lot of gore and blood. I'd recommend the move, although we both felt that the remake was better.

We hoped to stay up to watch Lucky Number Slevin, but I don't know whether or not I'll make it for another two hours. I rather think I won't be able to stay awake that long. So we'll most likely start it now and then watch the rest tomorrow.

Soon I'll be asleep again..... yummy sleep.... I hope that I'm able to sleep a normal number of hours one of these days, because this sleeping the clock almost around leaves very little time for doing things that are fun.

A little bit more sleep

I woke up at noon and managed to stay awake until about 10:30pm. That's pretty good :)

I managed to get out and go curling tonight. That was fun, even though I wasn't very good. I'd read that the medications that I'm taking might interfere with my balance, but I don't think that that was the problem; I think that it was more that I'd forgotten how to curl. Oh well.

After that we went out to dinner with some friends..... and now I'm tired. I think it's bedtime, even though I have to be up at midnight to take my clodronate.

Sleep, sleep, and more sleep

I don't know if it was because I did too much yesterday, or because of the additional oxycodone I have to take before bed, or because of the clonazepam I have to take before bed, but I sure did sleep a lot last night and today. I mean a lot. I got up at 2pm, had a half-hour nap just before 5pm, and then slept for another two hours between 6 and 8 pm. And I'm still tired.

Obviously I can't live like this forever - I hope that things settle down and that I start sleeping for more normal amount of time soon. I see my family doctor next week, so if I'm still sleeping practically around the clock, I'll talk to him then.

One of the areas that showed up on my bone scan as degenerative is the joint between my L5 and S1 vertebrae. Interestingly enough, it's that area (right above the tailbone) that hurts when I wake up in the morning. It isn't mets pain; I've just assumed that I'm been sleeping funny since I now sleep on my back for most of the night. When I wake up in the morning I can barely move. I will need to talk to my doctor about this as well.

A grand day out

Today was filled with adventures. We started the day at my doctor's.

I got to see my actual bone scan report today. Both lesions on the sternum now show up on the scan, where only the larger one showed up last time, and the larger lesion is even larger than it was before. So there has been some progression there, which we already figured based on the escalating pain levels. Apparently I also have some normal degeneration in my shoulder and between a couple of vertebrae as well, which I suppose isn't unusual. There was nothing at all seen on the femur :(

My doctor does believe that there's something there in my femur, at least, and that I'm not just crying wolf about the pain. He's not going to chase after it with scans and stuff, though; we'll just get the pain under control. So he's upped my painkiller usage a little bit.

My doctor and I also talked about my mental health today. I don't think I'm depressed right now, but depression is definitely coming to pay me a visit - I can see it just down the road. So he's starting me on Cipralex. Also, since the pain is worse at night and I have some anxiety issues, he's starting me on clonazepam; I'll start with 0.5mg at bedtime and can work my way up to 1.5mg. That should help me sleep, which is good. Even though I'm sleeping better than I have in a long time, I'm still not sleeping well at all. I'll see my doctor again next week to see how things are going.

After we got back from the doctor's, I went to my Well-fit session followed by my young women's group today. There were fewer people than usual at the young women's group, probably because of the cold. There were two new people, though, and there was a lot more discussion than usual. I'm glad I went. I always feel a lot better after going to that group. They talk about stuff that is relevant to a young woman with cancer - like me - and some of the people there even had metastatic cancer - like me. There is some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.

We went and played games at a friend's house after my young women's group. Actually, we were only able to get through one game: Citadels. It was still fun, though, and I enjoyed myself very much. I like spending time with that bunch - they're fun to play boardgames with. The only downside is that I work with many of them (when I'm working) and so I both miss working and get all tense even thinking about going back to work. Fortunately, we don't talk shop very often during games :)

Now, finally, we're home. Time for sleep.

I am a hermit

You'd think that I would actually leave the house, wouldn't you? Well, not yet. I'm feeling a bit like a hermit, that's for sure. I didn't feel well enough to go to my spirituality and healing group, so I stayed home. I'm still really tired and a little weak. I'm not sleeping all that well, either - or at least, I can't sleep for more than 8 hours in a row. Then I wake up because my shoulders or back hurt. I suspect that this is the Femara joint pain that I was worried about. I wake up and hobble around like an old lady for a half-hour or so, after which I feel better.

I see my family doctor tomorrow, and then we'll come back right away for Ian's office hour and my Well-fit. I'm definitely going to that tomorrow. I've also got my young women's support group tomorrow evening and we're playing games after that. So I guess I'm making up for my hermit-like tendencies with a very busy and very long (but almost all fun) day tomorrow :)

Snow day!

We got some snow last night and woke up to a freezing rain warning today, so the schools (and hence the University) were closed. So we stayed in and wasted time all day :) Someone sent us a link to the Secret Life of the Brain, so we looked at the pictures there for a while - some of it I'd seen before, but some was new, and it was all interesting.

Someone else sent us this link to the Funny Farm puzzle game. I don't recommend that you play Funny Farm because it's extremely addictive and extremely fun. I kid you not. I managed to distract Ian away from Final Fantasy III by playing this game, and he's taken to it quite strongly. He is playing it right now, as a matter of fact. We have wasted more of our day playing this game than any other game today. Note that the server is a bit on the overloaded side, so please be gentle with it if you do decide to play. Ian will be really mad if we can't play because someone reading this crashed the server, but the game is really too fun not to share :)

I had planned to go to bellydancing tonight. However, I'm still not feeling my best and the roads don't look good, so I ended up not going. Yes, I know that there are people out there who drive in weather like this, but I don't like to be one of them. We don't have snow tires and don't plan to get them for this car since it's a lease. Without snow tires we don't have the traction or control we need to be safest out on the roads today :( Staying in was best - I don't think we're getting any more freezing rain, so the roads should be in much better shape tomorrow.

Besides, staying in meant that we could play more Funny Farm. :)

A fun relaxing Sunday

Today we watched Thank You for Smoking. It's a satirical comedy about a lobbyist for the tobacco industry. Part of the impact from this movie comes from the lobbyist's 12-year-old son, who of course tries to emulate his dad in every way. The situation with his son is sort of tragic, but funny, too. I especially liked the movie sets; anything related to the tobacco industry was decorated in shades of brown. This technique was quite effective. We'd recommend this movie if you're in the mood for some intellectual comedy.

I'm starting to feel a bit better after being sick, although I'm still very tired. I think that even though the antibiotics are helping, I won't go to Well-fit tomorrow. Aside from being tired, I'm worried that I might still be infectious, and I don't want to take the chance of making someone ill - there are chemo patients there, after all. I expect to be able to go to my spirituality and healing group on Tuesday and my Well-fit on Wednesday.

My increased pain meds are definitely giving me a reduction in pain - yay! However, with the increased pain meds comes lots of uncontrollable hiccups. They get worse whenever I've increase my painkillers, and they show up after I eat. Yeah, they're as fun as you think they are :) When we rented the movies the other day I had the hiccups, and the guy helping us could barely stifle his giggles. Ian tried to make up some story about how the guy was laughing at something else, but I knew it wasn't true.

Oh, the joys of having cancer. The fun never seems to end :)

Weekend movies

Well, it's the weekend, and we like to see movies on the weekend. We got to see two today (there'll be another one tomorrow).

First, we saw Children of Men. It is an awesome, chilling, and haunting post-apocalyptic movie. I'd heard that this movie is a movie for guys that women will like (basically, an action movie crossed with The Handmaid's Tale), and it's true. The movie is set in 2027; in 2009 women stopped being able to conceive. No babies have been born since 2009, and with nothing left to lose and nothing to look forward to, the world has essentially destroyed itself. Clive Owen does a fine job as the protagonist. He's very believable.

The view of the future presented in the movie is realistic and scary. I wish you'd all seen it so that I could talk more about the things that touched me deeply. I will say this: the concentration camps (well, they're more like ghettoes, really) in the movie sent chills up my back. The camps are at once futuristic, echo the camps and ghettoes of Hitler's Germany, and show an eventual conclusion to the post-9/11 world (two words say it all: Homeland Security). The cinematography is fantastic - the camera is basically a handheld, and so the action feels very real. We both highly recommend this movie. It's very, very good. Go see it!

Later on, we watched Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. We liked this movie a lot, too, but for different reasons. It's quite funny :) This one made us laugh a lot - Will Ferrell is awesome, as always, and the story is actually quite entertaining. Yeah, the characters are slightly one-dimensional but I'd expect nothing else. There is both physical comedy (although I don't think that anyone got a blow to the crotch, so it may not be THAT funny :) ) and word-play comedy, so it's funny on multiple levels. The racing is pretty good, too. So if you like funny movies, you should see this one.

Bone scan results

My family doctor's office called today. My bone scan is clear; there is no activity in my femur. Sigh.

As Ian pointed out, the bone scan shows bone growth and bone death, so it's possible that whatever is hurting is neither of those. It's also possible that whatever is there is too small for the scans to pick up, because they don't pick up anything that is less than about 0.5cm. It's also possible that the pain is somehow in the muscles. I don't think it's in the muscle, but I guess it could be - I feel like I have to poke past the muscle to make it hurt, and that it hurts more deeply than the muscle.

Of course it's also possible that the pain is all in my head, but I poked around the leg and made it hurt again so I'm pretty sure that the pain is there. :)

I'll see my family doctor next week to figure out what we can do about this. I hope that he requests a CT scan or an MRI - either of those should show what's going on, if there is anything that's there. Both of them certainly show more detail than a bone scan, which should be helpful.

A big day

I saw my family doctor today because I wanted to talk to him about a few things.

For the last month or so I've had a LOT of abdominal pain and nausea after I eat. This usually happens after I eat breakfast but can happen after any meal. It has been bad enough that on some days, all I can do is curl up and try to sleep. My doctor thinks that I might have an ulcer or maybe gastritis. Oh joy. He's given me Nexium.... as if I don't take enough pills in one day :). I really, really hope that the Nexium works. I don't like having to go back to bed after I eat because my tummy hurts. It's also hard to make myself eat if I know my tummy will hurt afterwards.

You might also remember that I've been thinking about increasing my pain meds. Well, my doctor is going to do that. He's having me take two of my 40mg Oxycodone pills every 6 hours, and I have a prescription for 80mg Oxycodone when I'm finished the pills I have. So no driving for a little while, until the amount of Oxycodone I take is stable again. He says that I have to be pain free (both in my tummy and in my mets). I've been far from pain-free for quite some time. If I have pain next week, I have to go back to see him.

It was a very busy doctor's appointment. Usually he only wants each patient to talk about one or two issues.... and I wasn't finished yet :) I asked him about my voice and my scratchy throat, and it turns out that I have some kind of infection. Yes. Not only might I have an ulcer, and I've got pain from my mets, but I have an infection. Some would say that I'm a mess :) The infection is probably the reason why I feel so crappy and tired. He's given me Clavulin to take 3 times a day for 10 days. I hope that this antibiotic doesn't make my tummy hurt.

Finally, my doctor got a copy of my xrays from last week and they didn't show anything. That means that if I have a new met in my femur, it's small enough to not show up on xray. This is good, because it means that even if I have a new met, my leg isn't in danger of breaking. Of course it could be that the problem isn't a met at all.... we'll see. They couldn't get the bone scan results because that department wasn't answering its phone. I'll get those results some other time.

And that's it :) At least I know why I've felt pretty awful for the last little while. I must say that I'm pretty tired and cranky now. I'm afraid that I was quite mean and cranky with the pharmacist when I picked up all the prescriptions. I know I shouldn't have been, but, well, I'm not always nice. Especially when I find out that I might have an ulcer, that I have an infection, and that the first scans don't support my claim that something is wrong with my leg, all in one day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Ways to waste time

I woke up this morning with no voice. I don't know where it's gone - I can still talk, but my voice is all funny. I have no idea how this happened. I was really tired again, too, so I ended up sleeping for a good portion of the day.

When I wasn't sleeping, tidying up, or making dinner, I was playing Final Fantasy III for the DS :) I wouldn't have thought that I'd like a video game, but, well, I do like this one. I'd bought it for Ian for his birthday, and you know how important it is to give someone something that you want yourself :) I'm enjoying the game - I finished the first quest pretty well on my own, although Ian helped me at the very beginning, and I'm still playing. Final Fantasy III is a role-playing game (RPG) where I am a group of characters that embarks on quests and battles all sorts of monster. I don't have to worry about rolling any dice or anything, like I would if I was playing an in-person RPG, which is an advantage of playing a computer RPG. The graphics of this game are good, and the gameplay seems fun to me. I think Ian likes it, too, so it must be a pretty good game. It also gives me something to do in my spare time when I don't feel like doing anything productive :)

Making more stuff

My spirituality and healing group has started up again. All we did today was catch up with everyone - several of us had eventful Christmases. They had wanted to see my purse, and everyone there said that I should sell it (or one like it). They seem to think that I could get $300 for that purse. Honestly, I don't think that I could get that much for a purse like that - that's a crazy amount. Ok, yeah, if I could sell them to some expensive high-end store, maybe I could get some crazy price like that, but the purse I made doesn't have good enough construction to be sold for that much. I'd hope that I could get maybe $100 for a purse like that on etsy, maybe.

I have thought that it might be fun to make other purses and try to sell them, because I did enjoy the work - once I figured out how to do it, of course. Selling to a high-end store would mean that I'd need more than one of them; in fact, I'd need at least a few, and I wouldn't want the pressure of having to make all of them. If I ever make another purse, then I'd want to do it for fun, not because I have to.

That said, I might try and start doing some design work.... for fun :)

New adventures

I had my first bellydancing class of this session; there will be 12 sessions altogether. The classes are much more structured than they used to be. In fact, they actually have a curriculum now. There will not be a performance this term, so we can focus on our technique, which is something I thought I needed. It's going to be great! :) I must take my painkillers before I go, though (I forgot today). I had been a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to bellydance again, but it doesn't seem to be a problem for me. Yay!

We also booked our Las Vegas trip today. As it happens, I will be there for my birthday :) We leave on the evening of March 28 and return on April 2. We decided to stay at Bally's. If I have to do treatments of one kind or another around then, they will simply have to work around my travel schedule. Other cancer patients get that luxury, and I think I deserve it, too :)

I'm very excited, both about bellydancing again and about our trip. I'm really looking forward to going someplace I've never been before. :)

Trip planning

I think I've mentioned before that we're going to go to Las Vegas for my birthday. "For my birthday" is a pretty loose term - we're hoping to go sometime in March or April. Regardless of when we go, the trip will be our birthday present to me. We're starting to plan the trip now because there are some airfare sales on the go - and, well, we like to plan in advance. Today we bought some books about Las Vegas and some post-it flags that I can use to mark the things I want to see.

I've decided that I'll want to see pretty much everything in the Bellagio (the conservatory, glass ceiling, shopping, etc), and we're definitely going to take a day trip to the Grand Canyon. There's lots more that I want to see in the city, too. We will see some shows - in particular, we hope to see O, Zumanity, and Penn and Teller.

We're also in the process of picking out a hotel. We want to stay on the Strip in a nice but not extravagant place, so we're figuring out what will work best for us. As much as I want to see the things in the Bellagio, I doubt we'll stay there as it's quite expensive. I'm working on a spreadsheet to help me collect all the data - how geeky of me. I must say, this planning is some fun - I'm so excited! :)

We've also got a book on Scotland; when the Las Vegas trip is all planned and booked, I'll go through that and mark all the things I want to see there. From that, we'll figure out an itinerary. I don't know when we're going to do that trip, but I expect it'll be in the late summer or early fall.

I'm starting to feel much, much better now. I don't know if I did have something or if I was just exhausted; either way, I feel way better. Yay! :)

A movie day

I got to sleep and sleep and sleep today :) It was very nice. I still feel weak and tired, but at least I got to get some really good rest.

When I wasn't sleeping, we watched more movies. We've been on a horror-movie streak, and that continued today. We started off with The Descent. I really liked this movie, not only because it was about a group of six women :). The story - women go spelunking in an unexplored set of caves and meet up with some creatures that live there - was pretty good. The climbing in the movie looked very real, too. The sets were also very well done. It really looked like they were in a cave system - rocks can quite frequently look like styrofoam in movies, but they looked real in this one. It was also a very spooky movie. I don't want to give away the plot, but some aspects were quite scary and made me jump. We liked this one and would recommend it. There is quite a bit of gore, though, so be prepared.

Later on, we watched Dog Soldiers, directed by Neil Marshall, the same fellow that directed "The Descent". It was pretty good, too. I've heard it called a very scary movie, and it was kinda scary. I had trouble paying attention during the military parts (my mind shuts off), but if you wait it gets even better. It also didn't just have helpless people, like they usually do in a horror movie, which was nice. Overall, it was quite good. We would recommend this movie, too. Again, it's a pretty gory movie in parts.

Too long of a day

The bone scan was pretty uneventful today. The way a bone scan works is they inject you with a radioactive tracer that settles in bones. You go away, drink a ton of water or juice, and come back after two or three hours. Then they run what is basically a huge Geiger counter over you to get an image of how the tracer is taken up. Mets can appear as either more or less take-up of the tracer.

The only part I didn't like today was that the tracer really hurt when it was injected. They have to use my right arm, and I had eight rounds of chemo in that vein back in 2000-2001 so that vein is really scarred up. The needle they use to do the injection is pretty big, too (they can use a smaller needle to draw blood). I can't have anything injected into my left arm because it's already got mild lymphedema. The injection doesn't usually hurt, though - today was an anomaly - and the scan itself is painless.

So anyways, the scan went ok. I don't know if they saw anything. They did do close-up scans of my sternum to compare against the last time and my leg since it's the area of concern this time. I also had an xray done of my pelvis and leg. From a distance, the xrays looked normal, but I guess that doesn't mean anything. I don't know when I'll get my results. My fear now is that the scans won't show anything, and they'll think that I'm crying wolf. I'm quite sure that the pain exists and that it's in the bone.... but there is always a doubtful voice in me that says "There's nothing really wrong with me. It's all in my head. I'm making this up." I guess I'm worried that my pain won't be validated. Yeah, I know, it's silly, but there it is.

This evening we watched The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (the original). It is clearly a groundbreaking slasher film, and I can see how people might have found it scary at the time. The soundtrack is certainly scary. Seen today, however, it's less scary. The acting was less sure in the original, I think. I think I liked the remake better. I also thought that House of 1000 Corpses, which has a similar storyline, was much, much scarier - not to mention gorier, but even without the gore it would be a very scary film. We'd hoped to watch The Descent as well tonight, but since Ian's currently watching the documentary of the making of "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre", we'll watch the other movie tomorrow.

I'm still feeling awful. I feel like I've been run over by a truck - everything takes up too much energy. Even the thought of having to go upstairs and sort laundry is overwhelming. My eyes are slowly getting better, but the one is still quite red and they're both itchy (no, I haven't been scratching at them). I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I've made Ian promise not to wake me tomorrow - he usually gets me up around 12:30pm if I don't get up before them - because I just need to sleep. I remember I used to end up feeling this way about once or twice a year, and the only "cure" was to sleep almost non-stop for a couple of days. I'm looking forward to not having to do anything at all this weekend.

Tests tomorrow

So my bone scan and xray are booked for tomorrow afternoon. I wasn't expecting to get in so soon, but I'm happy that I'll get the tests over with. I guess things must be different now that I'm a patient of my oncologist with confirmed mets. I have no idea when I'll get the results, of course. I don't even know what we'll do with the results, if they're cancer. Will we do radiation and continue with the hormonal (Femara)? Will we try a different hormonal? Will we try chemo? I just don't know. And if it isn't cancer, what is it? I could use that crystal ball now, please.

I'm also feeling pretty icky. My eye was red last night, and I woke up at 4am unable to open it - it was glued shut in that eye-infection sort of way. Yes, it's the return of the eye infection. The other eye is showing signs of being infected, too. Sigh. My throat is also a little scratchy and my ears feel funny, like they're filled with cotton and need draining, but I'm hearing perfectly normally. My nose is alternately too dry and sensitive or runny. I don't know what I have, but I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with something. I managed to sleep some this morning and this afternoon, and I'm pretty much ready for bed now. I'm sure the sleep will help - although the prospect of doing the scans tomorrow while being sick is less than thrilling.

It might be better if Ian and I were sick with the same thing. He is doing much, much better - he went into school for an hour or so today and was able to drive himself, and we were able to walk to the nearby store. He thinks that he'll be on solid foods tomorrow. At least, he certainly craves something more solid than Jello :)

I wish I could know some of the future

I talked to my oncology nurse today. They're very busy, of course, being the new year, but she was very nice to me. I told them that I think I have a new site of metastasis in my leg, and I wondered if we could do a bone scan before I see the oncologist in February. I also said that I was aware that it could be other things, like referred pain from Femara, but that the pain is very similar to the sternal mets. She and her assistant asked me a bunch of questions - I think they were trying to make sure that I wasn't just blindly freaking out about a new pain. Since I've had the pain for about 5 weeks, it's like the pain in my sternum, and it's not in the muscle, it could be a new met.

They seemed satisfied with my answers. They're going to schedule an xray and a bone scan for as soon as possible. I expect that "as soon as possible" means something like "in the next couple of weeks" as opposed to "in the next couple of days", which is fine. I just wanted to have the results ready when I see the oncologist.

I also had dinner with some friends I used to work with. They were encouraging me to come back to work - they claim to have missed me there :) Part of me would really like to go back, but I'm scared to. I really want to be sure that I'm stable, both emotionally and cancer-wise, before I go back. I just don't feel that stable right now. The last thing I want is to go back and to find out that the cancer has spread a lot (or that I'm a basket case - let's be fair here; I have been more emotionally stable in previous times) and I have to go off work again. What if I wasn't eligible for long-term disability again?

I could use a crystal ball now, please. One that could truthfully answer questions put to it would be perfect. Will I ever go back to work? Is the thing in my leg more mets?

Mostly relaxing

There were a few things on my Christmas list that I didn't get - namely slippers and a new housecoat - and so we went out to get those today. I did love everything that I got for Christmas - I always appreciate people's thoughtfulness in getting me stuff - but I do need slippers (I don't have any), and my robe doesn't absorb water well enough. We got both items on sale, and while they don't match, they're very comfortable :)

There's nothing worth watching on tv tonight, so we decided to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the remake). It's ok, I guess. I haven't seen the original yet, so I don't know if the remake is better or worse, but I guess it's a pretty good horror movie. It's got lots of suspenseful moments and hot girls. Those are the things that make horror movies worth watching, right? :)

Unfortunately, Ian hasn't been feeling well this evening :( I was feeling kind of ill earlier, too, so we think that we ate something that didn't agree with us sometime over the last couple of days. As soon as he feels well enough to be alone for a few minutes, I'll go to the store and get him some ginger ale, popsicles, and other yummy things people on a clear fluid-only diet can eat. I hope he's feeling better soon.

Happy New Year!

We watched Mission: Impossible III last night and the last half or so of Robin Hood: Men in Tights with our friends. MI3 was ok, I guess. It had a lot of action and a pretty weak story, which is what I'd expect. Men in Tights is pretty funny, of course - but then, Mel Brooks' movies tend to be pretty funny. The most important part of last night was spending it with our friends, which we did :)

Later on this afternoon we watched Dixie Chicks: Shut up and Sing, which is about the controversy surrounding Natalie Maines' anti-Bush comments in 2003. The prof in one of the classes I was taking then was very caught up in the anti-war movement of the time - he's an American citizen - and I remember him telling us all that he had gone out and bought every Dixie Chicks album, and that we should too. He felt that their remarks were perfect and very apt. Anyways, the movie is pretty good. It does a good job of showing the solidarity the three women have (they stood together with Natalie through the controversy) as well as Natalie's outspokenness. It showed them in each of their roles - wife, mother, and band member - making them more real. Their kids are all very cute :)

The sisters in the band also used in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to have children. Apparently each time a woman tries IVF or donates eggs, she has to inject herself with a lot of hormones. These comparatively new technologies enable lots of women who otherwise couldn't to have children. However, I'll bet that they find the hormone-sensitive cancer rates are higher amongst women who've had these medical procedures. How sad would that be?