Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I wish I could know some of the future

I talked to my oncology nurse today. They're very busy, of course, being the new year, but she was very nice to me. I told them that I think I have a new site of metastasis in my leg, and I wondered if we could do a bone scan before I see the oncologist in February. I also said that I was aware that it could be other things, like referred pain from Femara, but that the pain is very similar to the sternal mets. She and her assistant asked me a bunch of questions - I think they were trying to make sure that I wasn't just blindly freaking out about a new pain. Since I've had the pain for about 5 weeks, it's like the pain in my sternum, and it's not in the muscle, it could be a new met.

They seemed satisfied with my answers. They're going to schedule an xray and a bone scan for as soon as possible. I expect that "as soon as possible" means something like "in the next couple of weeks" as opposed to "in the next couple of days", which is fine. I just wanted to have the results ready when I see the oncologist.

I also had dinner with some friends I used to work with. They were encouraging me to come back to work - they claim to have missed me there :) Part of me would really like to go back, but I'm scared to. I really want to be sure that I'm stable, both emotionally and cancer-wise, before I go back. I just don't feel that stable right now. The last thing I want is to go back and to find out that the cancer has spread a lot (or that I'm a basket case - let's be fair here; I have been more emotionally stable in previous times) and I have to go off work again. What if I wasn't eligible for long-term disability again?

I could use a crystal ball now, please. One that could truthfully answer questions put to it would be perfect. Will I ever go back to work? Is the thing in my leg more mets?

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