Change is inevitable

I meant to make a yummy dinner with spaghetti squash (instead of pasta) and turkey meatballs (instead of the usual meatballs or ground beef). We've had this meal before and it's healthy as well as yummy; spaghetti squash makes a good substitute for real spaghetti pasta.

So I was all ready to make this and had bought what I needed ... and then I slept all afternoon so I didn't have time to bake the squash (it takes 1 to 1 1/2 hours). I was up early for Meditation class and I guess I was tired because... I don't know. I was tired.

There's a huge something going on over at the young survival coalition support board. For quite some time, I've felt uncomfortable posting on the mets board because non-mets people read and post there (sometimes inappopriately). Other people are coming to this realization. We mets people are being seen as "meany metsies" to some people, and when we post on the general, non-mets board, things go bad.

Some of the women with mets are not doing well... their cancer is taking over, and their days are numbered. Naturally, these women are not happy and are not providing the kind of patient support they'd provided before. But it isn't just that some women aren't being as kind, or as supportive; it's that there's much more animosity on the general board. Some of that comes from cancer fakers, and some of that just seems to be the changing landscape of the board.

Support boards change... and this board is *not* changing for the better. It's so tense there, and so hard to post. Some women are considering setting something up somewhere else, and I'd be happy with that.

Is there such a thing as too many movies?

Is it possible to see too many movies? I guess there are people out there that think that the number of movies I watch is a waste of time. But... I like movies. I like the stories, the cinematography, the sets, the costumes, and sometimes the actors. The more movies I watch, the more I appreciate the effort that goes into a good movie.

It's not like I watch every movie that is released. In fact, I don't watch all that many mainstream movies because I find them formulaic. I tend to stay away from most comedies - unless they're mockumentaries, dark comedies, or star Jack Black - because I find that they're not all that funny, as a rule. I don't watch romantic comedies because I find them formulaic and stupid most of the time. I also stay away from movies with bad acting because I like to immerse myself in movies and I can't do that if the acting is bad.

There are movies that I love, of course. My favourite movies are the ones that require me to think about what I'm watching; movies where I have to pay attention, and that I'll think about afterward because they raise interestng ideas and questions. These tend to be quirky movies; the ones that are subtle and non-mainstream (maybe even foreign movies) that might be played at the local independent theatre.

When I'm not in the mood to think too hard, I like to watch science-fiction-type movies, comic-book movies, and some action movies because they're fun. These movies generally don't require too much effort on my part but they're entertaining.

I also love to watch movies that are groundbreaking for one reason or another: animated movies showcasing new techniques; brilliant costume or set design; amazing CGI techniques; unusual sequencing; and things like that. If a movie includes something completely new, I want to see it to evaluate the new thing.

And of course, no matter what, I'm always in the mood for horror movies. Even the bad ones, because when they're bad they're usually unintentionally funny. But for the most part, the buildup of tension and final release in a good horror movie is cathartic; it can be a way for me to deal with more negative emotions.

So you see.... I love movies, and I love watching them. So I watch a *lot* of them :)

With all that said, I'm sure it'll be no surprise to you that we watched a movie today. We saw Drag Me to Hell, and we saw it in the theatre! It's not often that I get to see a horror movie in the theatre but I must say that a horror movie is much, much better in the theatre because you're totally immersed in the movie with the sound and the picture completely surrounding you.

Even a bad horror movie is better seen in a movie theatre but I'm pleased to tell you that Drag Me to Hell is actually a *good* horror movie. The story, cinematography, and music work together to create the tension and fear that a good horror movie needs. There are plenty of startles and jumps and a fine twist at the end. This is a movie that's definitely worth seeing if you like horror movies.

And as an aside, I loved the clothes that the protagonist wore. They were so smart and pretty and cute and stylish and gorgeous; I wish I was tiny like her so that I could wear clothes like that. And I loved the shoes she wore, too, but I know that there's no way that I get to wear shoes with a significant heel while I'm walking around with my cane. :( The clothes were still awesome.

Saturday is movie day

It's practically summertime so there are lots and lots of movies opening soon. One of these is The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 which opens on June 12. It's about guys who hijack New York subway train Pelham 123, hold people hostage, demand money, and escape - but how?. One regular transit dispatcher guy ends up involved. The movie stars famous people (Denzel Washington and John Travolta) and the trailers make it look really exciting and action-y. I'd sort of thought of trying to see it when it comes out, if it got good reviews.

What I didn't know was that this is a (second) remake of a 1974 film: The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, starring Walter Matthau, which was showing tonight on the public tv station. It's a heist movie! Who doesn't love a good heist move? :)

And this is a good heist movie - actually, it's a good movie, period. It's suspenseful and engrossing, with some comic moments thrown to ease the tension. It was interesting to see how the hijackers used their knowledge of the New York subway system and its trains to pull off the job. If you're going to do any kind of heist, it's important to know just how everything works, yes?

The main question throughout is how the hijackers are going to escape and get away with the job. I'm not going to tell you whether they succeed or how it ends - even though the movie has been remade, I don't know whether they'll use the exact same story. They've already changed the title (words representing numbers are so old-fashioned; why not just the numbers instead?) and I hope that they don't change the actual story too much. Being the age that it is, I expect that they'll not only modernize the story to reflect the updated technology, but also add some new twists and turns and stunts. Maybe even an explosion or two.

As long the remake stays a heist movie, it'll probably be ok.

We just saw the *best* movie

First things first: my CT scan came back clear (or unremarkable) with no new mets and no changes in the existing spots, which means that I'm still stable. Yay!

We watched the most amazing, thought-provoking movie tonight: Synecdoche, New York. The story is about a theatre producer's life and his life's work, where he builds a replica of New York in an abandoned warehouse.

The movie is funny, poignant, and surreal... by the end, it's hard to know who is who and what is what. Everything hinges on the title, specifically, synecdoche, which can mean either something that refers to a part of that thing, or a part of a thing that refers to the whole of the thing. So there are layers upon layers upon layers in the movie (even for the characters!).

This isn't the kind of movie you can start and then walk away from; almost *everything* has meaning, one way or another. If you're going to watch this movie, then commit to watching it all the way through, pausing it if you have to leave the room or are otherwise distracted. It is a masterpiece of a movie, but it is also a movie that requires a lot of attention and can be difficult to watch. This is part of this movie's greatness.

We watched the movie with a few other people and we spent some time afterward trying to figure out what the whole movie was about and also some of the imagery. It's a wonderful film and one that I'll definitely see again (in part to see if I can understand the motifs and metaphors this time... I think this is a movie that needs to be seen twice). I highly recommend it.

Sleep, sleep, sleep all day

Once a week or so, I sleep all day. I don't exactly know why it happens, but when it does I just give in and sleep and sleep and sleep.

And that's what I did today. I was tired and it was raining and thunderstorming and so I slept all day. Well, all day until 4pm when Ian called, but if he hadn't called I expect I'd still be sleeping. It's not like I didn't try to get up, because I did, but I just couldn't make myself get up out of bed.

Because I was asleep all day, I wasn't able to call my oncologist to get my CT scan results. I'll call tomorrow and hopefully I'll get them then. If she's not in I guess I'll wait until Monday.

Listening to an author speak

Robert J. Sawyer, a well-known, fiercely Canadian, award-winning science-fiction author, gave a talk at Google today. He's just published a new book: Wake, first of the WWW trilogy, which is about the world wide web gaining consciousness, and so he was talking about consciousness.

Sawyer is a very skilled speaker - he has done CBC radio lectures, so I expected him to have a good voice, and he was also very enthusiastic and engaging. He was obviously very interested in what he was saying about consciousness and had researched it thoroughly, until he knew it inside and out. It was a very interesting talk, and so interesting and engaging that time flew by; I was shocked when I looked up and saw that he'd been talking for 40 minutes!

He talked about what it means to be conscious and how a consciousness could rise out of the web. He also discussed how difficult it was to write about this; as a conscious human being, how can we possibly conceive of an alien consciousness, and how would it develop, without turning that consciousness into an anthopomorphic being?

Ian and I both very enjoyed the talk; Ian actually got to talk to him in a small group before and after and got to know him a little bit. He seems like a really interesting person :)

A side-effect of listening to the talk was that I can "hear" his voice when reading his books. I've read a few of his books (including Wake) and while I've loved the concepts - they're extremely thought-provoking - I've had trouble with the voice that they're written in; some parts have seemed a bit stilted when I think he's been trying to convey an emotion. I don't read emotion in books very well, which goes along with not being able to "see" emotions very well on people's faces. For a long, long time, I couldn't figure out what people on movies were doing to show emotion; their facial expressions didn't make sense to me. I'm getting better at that.

Anyways, if Robert J. Sawyer stops by your city on this promotional tour, I'd recommend that you go and listen to him speak; it's interesting and well worth the time, even if you aren't a science fiction fan.

Tomorrow I call to get my CT scan results: I expect that the results are good, but of course I'm nervous about  getting them. I'll post the results here on my blog when I get them.

Summer TV

I'd been worried that there wouldn't be anything to watch in the summer what with all of the regular shows finished. Fortunately, there are new things to watch.

Like Canada's Worst Handyman 4, which is both funny and sad to watch. I yell at the tv a LOT when that show is on, both because the people on the show seem not to even be able to read basic instructions or think through the most basic design. One contestant was kicked off this week for saying something awful to the other contestants - I don't know what it was but it was bad.

One of the new shows is Mental which we watched for the first time tonight. It's about an unconventional psychiatric department head, in a House-like tradition. The first episode was ok but we'll probably wait and see how it is over the next few weeks.

Tonight also marked the start of Canada's Next Top Model cycle 3, only two weeks after America's Next Top Model cycle 12 finished. The drama and cattiness has already started! I'm pretty sure that the models get younger every year :) The challenge prize winners on this episode got to go off the coast of PEI to look at the baby seals. I was so jealous... I'd love to go there.

Getting some grading done

Believe it or not, I actually managed to grade the vintage pattern I'm working with today. Yep. Well, except for the small pieces like the facings and collar, as well as the gusset piece. The gusset piece actually acts as the undersleeve; the yoke and sleeve design doesn't leave enough room for the entire half-sleeve on each of the front and back. As well, the gusset gives the arm better range of motion.

Even though I finished the grading, I'm not finished working with the pieces yet. I'm not used to grading some of these pieces and I wanted to look at my work tomorrow with fresh eyes. Heck, even the pieces that I think I graded correctly could use a once-over. :) Still, I'm pleased with the work that I've done so far. Up until now, it's been taking me longer than this to get this far with my pattern. Who'd have thought that I could work this quickly? :) Now I hope that the work I've done is correct.

It's so nice outside... welcome to spring!

It's been a gorgeous weekend! The sun has been shining, the air is clear, the flowers are out, and it's been warm. Really, it's been a perfect spring weekend, and I wish that we had this weekend off instead of last weekend. Not that it matters to me, of course, because I don't work, but then Ian and I could spend more time outside together in such great weather. Hopefully it'll be just as warm next weekend.

We didn't spend the whole day outside, of course. I can't work on the pattern outside, after all :) I got some work done on the pattern although I'd have liked to do more. It turns out that some of the pieces are hard to grade and shorten and so I've had to do some thinking to figure out exactly what to do. At least most of the other pieces should be straightforward to grade and shorten.

We also watched Sukiyaki Western Django today. It's like a prequel for the Django, I guess. I don't really know anything about Django or other spaghetti westerns, but I still enjoyed this movie. Basically, a solitary warrior enters a town with a huge treasure and two warring factions and pits one against the other. Almost all of the actors - except Quentin Tarantino - are Japanese and the dialogue is English. It's a pretty funny movie with some gore and over-the-top action.

Even if I hadn't liked this movie - which I did - seeing a spaghetti western and reading about them might help understand Quentin Tarantino's next movie: Inglourious Basterds.

This evening we watched Futurama: Bender's Game because it was the only thing on tv tonight. It's funny in a Futurama sort of way - it doesn't always make sense, there's lots of cultural and movie references, and it's silly. Yep, it's an awesome as it sounds!

Saturday fun

I was able to trace out a pattern today. I had three vintage patterns on the shortlist and Ian picked one, so I'm working on that one first. This first pattern is for a knee-length A-line dress with the yoke and sleeve in one piece, and with center front and back seams and bust and hip shaping darts. The pattern also includes the cutest little short jacket with elbow- or three-quarter-length sleeves to go with the dress. It's the jacket that makes the outfit; the wedding will be outdoors and some kind of cover-up is needed.

The person who had the pattern before me had cut out only the jacket and it looks like that person didn't line it (it's supposed to be lined, and if this pattern works out, I'll definitely be lining the jacket)... and it looks like the person cut off the extension for the lining on the back jacket piece. After reading the instructions and checking the pieces, I was able to correct this problem on my traced piece. I'll put a note in with the pattern noting that this piece has been cut off.

I'm hoping that the whole ensemble looks good, but if it doesn't, I have other patterns to try out.

This evening we watched S. Darko. It's sort of a sequel to Donnie Darko, which is a favourite movie of ours (and which has a huge cult following). S. Darko hasn't lived up to the expectations of the Donnie Darko fans, for whatever reason; I'm not sure what those expectations were, but it's clear that they're not being met because many of the reviews for S. Darko by Donnie Darko fans are bad.

S. Darko is the story of Sam, Donnie's youngest sister, who is traveling across the country with her friend. The two are stranded in a small town on their journey. Sam has been sleepwalking and while in this town, she sleep-visits the local outcast. Time travel stuff happens, too, as in Donnie Darko.

While there are connections to the first movie via some of the characters and the time travel idea, but the movies are not the same. At the end of Donnie Darko, the universe is reset and the bad things that happened are undone... but that's not exactly what happens at the end of S. Darko. It's implied that some of the bad things are still happening or going to happen, but maybe not in the exact same way. One of the other crucial differences between the two movies is that Donnie Darko starts off weird and gets scary and intense as time goes on, whereas S. Darko has a lighter feel. It isn't as creepy or scary - it's more interesting, as though it was a drama with time travel stuff. I do wish that some of the events had been explored more fully... like the meteor's effects, the fireworks show, and what happened to the kids. I'd love to see a sequel explaining all of that.

So we actually liked S. Darko because it wasn't exactly like Donnie Darko and because it had an interesting story with interesting characters and good acting. I don't know that you have to have seen Donnie Darko to get S. Darko, because there isn't that much crossover, but it probably helps in getting some of the subtext or background pictures. The only thing that might not make sense if you haven't seen Donnie Darko is the tube-y thing that shows where people will be walking.

Whether or not you've seen Donnie Darko, S. Darko is well worth renting. It's an interesting, quirky movie that we liked very much.

Sleep, sleep, and more sleep

I wouldn't have thought that having a CT scan followed by a walk in the afternoon would have made me soooo tired. But it did.

All I did yesterday was the scan and the walk, and today I ended up sleeping until 2pm. Plus I was exhausted all day; every time I turned around I was ready for a nap. Of course this means that I didn't do all that much today, and that's ok.

What I did do was put away the patterns I've received lately. That doesn't sound like much, but I've bought more than a few vintage patterns lately and they need a home. My four comic book boxes are now filled to bursting with patterns; I'm going to need to get more boxes.

I also spent some time looking at my patterns and my fabric. I've got a wedding to attend in a couple of months and I'd hoped to make a dress for it. I have several patterns that I love for an event like that so I've puled them out and am trying to figure out which fabrics might work with which patterns. I do have some lovely fabrics - both new and vintage. Several of my 50s fabrics are quite similar: a light-coloured background with flowers and squares sprinkled all over. I hadn't realized how similar those fabrics were until I took a good look at them.

Over the weekend I hope to trace out the pattern I'm going to use - or, if I still can't decide between the three I'm currently considering, trace out all three patterns - and hopefully get the pattern(s) graded up so that I can make some test garments this week. Since I don't have much to do each day (and honestly, I get bored of surfing the interweb), I *should* be able to actually get somewhere with this dress.

CT scan and diversions

Who doesn't love a CT scan with contrast? Me. The CT scan itself isn't so bad these days because I don't have to drink the yucky weirdly sweet orange drink..Instead, I have to drink 500mL an hour before the scan and then another 500mL half an hour before the scan. That's not so bad.

The scan itself takes less than 10 minutes - 5 minutes or so for each scan before and after the contrast is injected. That's not so bad, either. What I I don't like is the contrast, because it makes me feel hot and like I've peed myself, so I end up frantically trying NOT to pee.... while also holding my breath and lying completely still. It's as awesome as it sounds.

The scan covered my chest, abdomen, and pelvis. The last CT scan of my pelvis showed that there were two tiny spots in there; we'll see if those are still there and what size they are. This scan will also be checking my lungs and liver. Because my tumour markers were low, I don't expect that my cancer has taken up residence anywhere new but until I get the results I expect to be a little anxious. I'll call my oncologist for the results next Thursday.

To take my mind off of the scan, I spent the last two days watching Apocalypse Now and Apocalypse Now: Redux and comparing the two. Redux was a 2001 re-edit of the original 1979 film. The plot of both is loosely based on Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, where a man goes up upriver - into the heart of darkness, as it were - to retrieve Kurtz, an insane man with a reputation.

I love the movie. It's creepy and surreal and honest and just draws me in. I'm the first to admit that it can be slow in parts but the pace is part of the buildup towards the end. Both versions are good movies but I think that Redux (minus the French plantation scene) is overall the better movie. The scenes that were added and the edits that were made definitely improved the movie. These changes improved the flow of the movie and also explained some of the events that happened: for example, how Lance got the surf shorts and later, the makeup.

About the French plantation scene - I didn't like it. Sure, it explains where Clean is buried, but it goes on.... and on... and on... and in doing so interrupts the buildup of tension in the movie. As Captain Willard and the boat crew go up the river, they change. They become less civilized; they also become more introspective and in touch with themselves. So all of that is happening ... and then everything pauses for the French plantation scene with Willard only... and then it kind of starts up again. Sure, we find out that Willard belongs in the jungle, but we should know that by now anyway. And Willard isn't the only one changing; everyone on the boat is changing as they travel up-river, one way or another.

Apparently there are even longer bootleg versions of the movie out there... I'd love to see those, too. I was doing a bit of research and apparently filming the original movie was a kind of rite of passage, or descent into hell, for the director Francis Ford Coppola. There were set problems, actor problems, breakdowns... everything. There's a documentary out there about the making of the movie and I think that I'd love to see that, too.

If you've seen Apocalypse Now but not the Apocalypse Now: Redux, then you should see the Redux version. It makes more sense and it's a much better movie (even though it is longer). If you haven't seen either, then you it's about time you saw Redux. It's too good of a classic movie to miss.

Pain and meditation

My left hip has been aching and hurting for the last few days. It also seems to be a bit swollen in comparison with the right hip which is something I hadn't noticed before.

I'm not quite sure why the pain has been so bad over the weekend but I suspect that the seats in the movie theatre had something to do with it. The seats we sat in for each movie aren't in very good shape because they've had a lot of use over the years. We like to sit in the center up high enough so we're a couple of levels below the top of the screen and so that the screen completely fills our vision. These seats are very popular and get a lot of use, so the seats themselves are kind of broken.

Even though the pain was very, very bad through last night, it's gone now and I think I have meditation to thank for that.

This meditation session, we're working on ways to be aware of what our brains are thinking. I don't know if you've tried meditation before, but if you have, then you probably know that while you're trying to focus on your breathing or whatever your brain has a tendency to go off on other tangents.

It isn't just the brain that does its own thing, of course. Sitting (or lying) in one place can cause some discomfort as well, which is distracting. So today in meditation class, we *looked* for discomfort or pain in our bodies (instead of waiting for it to distract us) and sort of breathed through the pain, trying to soften the muscles around it. We repeated this process several times over the course of five or ten minutes.

And surprise! The pain lessened! By this afternoon, it was way better!! Yay :) This is something that I will keep in mind next time the pain is bad.

Happy Victoria Day (a.k.a. May 2-4)

We saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine today. It hasn't been getting great reviews, but I thought it was a good, entertaining movie. Yeah, it's not deep, and the supporting characters aren't that well developed, and I suppose it's a bit formulaic - but it's a comic book movie, and I have different (lower) expectations for comic book movies.

I expect comic book movies to be entertaining and to add knowledge to the comic book universe. I also like there to be some action and an interesting story. Personally, I thought that this movie delivered; it was fun to watch, exciting, and interesting for a comic book movie.

The only thing I didn't like was the guy explaining the entire Wolverine history (comics, tv, and movies) to his girlfriend who knew little to nothing of the franchise. He talked and talked and talked and talked and talked through the entire movie.

As an aside: people, please don't do this. I don't *care* how much you know about the movie or its history. Your knowledge isn't going to disappear by the end of the movie. Really, it won't. So wait until after you've both left the theatre to natter at your companion. Anything else is annoying and disrespectful to the people around you.

I asked the guy to be quiet once and I thought about sliding over and kicking the back of his seat every time he opened his annoying mouth. I didn't do that because I thought Ian wouldn't like it .. but afterwards he said he thought I should've used my cane on him. I'll remember that for the future.

The fact that I don't know much about the whole Marvel universe or Wolverine's history didn't stop me from enjoying the movie. I may have enjoyed it more than someone who knows that history because the movie changed some details. So there, man who annoyed me.

Still using my cane

While shopping at the grocery store today, we found a new use for my cane. We buy 4L pouches of milk because I go through so much each week but we couldn't see any of our brand out. The milk is stored in crates that roll on rollers to the front, but there were no full crates at the front. There was a crate further back on the roller track, but it was too far to reach by hand. Fortunately, Ian was able to use my cane to bring the milk crate forward. Problem solved!

I'm much less self-conscious about walking with the cane than I was before. I only wish that I didn't have to use it all the time. Experiments have shown that if I walk around - even just at the grocery store - without a cane, my hip hurts a LOT the next day. So I use the cane.

I have to admit that I'm still a bit clumsy with the cane when I'm not walking with it. It's like not knowing what to do with your hands; I don't know what to do with my cane when I'm sitting down somewhere, or looking at stuff, or really doing anything other than walking with it.

At least the cane helps my back not hurt... if it can be used to get things, that's ok.

Rainy saturday movie day

We finally got to see the new Star Trek movie today. The story was great! The best thing about it is that it really does allow them to restart the franchise, if they want (oh, the beauty of playing with time). Zachary Quinto, who you might know as Sylar from Heroes, plays a spectacular Spock. His character seemed to bring the rest of the cast together which in turn made the other characters more believable.

While the movie is good, it isn't perfect. The cinematography was weird because there seemed to be only two shots: the extreme closeup and the quick-moving pan-action shot that was hard to follow. I also felt that the guy who played Bones was WAY over the top. Every time he said something, I felt jolted out of the story ... maybe he was too intense? I can't quite put my finger on how he was over the top, but I thought he was definitely the weakest actor of the bunch. For the record, Ian disagrees with me, but I stand by my assessment.

The other major flaw I felt this movie had was that the external and internal design of the enemy ship didn't make sense. It was supposed to be a mining vessel and it looked more like a tentacled monster. Personally, I like my movie industrial design to at least make sense; that the form of an object will be related in some recognizable way to its function. That definitely wasn't the case here. It seemed like someone was drawing a ship and said, "I'm going to make this SO COOL and SO SCARY! Yeah!" Hmph.

And as for the inside of the ship.... what's wrong with a guard rail or two along the sides of slippery platforms suspended in space? Sigh. This movie cost a lot of money to make; making the enemy ship believable with good industrial design while also making it seem scary wouldn't have cost them any more than it did to design the ship bady. Sheesh.

Flaws aside, the movie is good. You don't have to like or know anything about Star Trek to like this movie, and if you are a Star Trek fan, you'll probably also like it.

Later on we watched Reeker. We'd watched No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker a while back and found out it was a sequel and a prequel, kind of, so we wanted to watch the first movie. Well, I did, anyways; Ian watched it with me because it was there. The movie was pretty good for what it was, which is one of those horror movies where the protagonists get picked off one-by-one. The acting wasn't too bad (although the female lead did have some trouble hanging on to her accent) and the story was interesting. There were tense moments and some gory bits. Overall, it wasn't too gory or bloody. And the twist at the end made the movie interesting.

So if you like this kind of horror movie, this one's for you.

Rediscovering old favourites

I've always read a lot of books, and since I've been reading in the bath as well as before bed, I've been going through books faster than before. I've bought a few books but it's silly to buy a lot of them, especially since I have so many and it's been years and years since I've read some of them.

So I've been going back and reading some of the books I've held onto for the last ten or fifteen years or so. One set I've been looking at and shying away from are my Tim Sandlin books; I have five of them and I remember them as being really funny ... but I've changed since I read them last and I was worried that I wouldn't find them as hugely entertaining as they were before.

I'm pleased to say that my anxiety on this subject was totally unfounded. I picked up Skipped Parts last night and it's hilarious - so funny that at 2am I was laughing out loud while reading it. It's the first in Sandlin's Grovont trilogy, which apparently will have a fourth book added to it. As an aside, one of those books in the trilogy is called Sorrow Floats, which I liked because the title reminds me of an phrase in John Irving's The Hotel New Hampshire. The Hotel New Hampshire is also an awesome, quirky book written by an awesome, quirky author (who unfortunately seems to have a bear and wrestling fixation). As a bigger aside, A Prayer for Owen Meany is probably my favourite of Irving's.

Anyways... back to Skipped Parts. It's told from the perspective of Sam, a 13-year-old boy who along with his 28-year-old mother has been banished to Grovont, Wyoming by Sam's grandfather. Sam befriends another 13-year-old girl and they start trying to figure out what the skipped sexy parts in books are.. .by practicing. Realism, sadness, and hilarity ensues.

Not only am I finding this book funny, I think it's funnier than ever because I understand and "get" so much more of it than I did before. I think this is partly because the situations in the books were and are so much worse than my life ever was, and the story is so funny that it helps me see that my own story - the most unfunny bits - could possibly be funny, too. If looked at in the right way, which I hope to someday be able to do.

Not that it matters what kind of past you have. This book (and the others by Sandlin) are well worth reading for the plot and the writing. The writing style is much like that of both J.D. Salinger and Tom Robbins - it's quirky, funny, achingly honest, and hilariously funny, all due to a lot of understatement and the juxtaposition of Sam's fantasy stories of being a hero with the realities of what happens around him. This gives the book a poignancy that feels very realistic... but also very gentle.

As well, this book, first published in 1991, uses the word "meatatarian". What's not to love?

Spring, glorious spring

I think spring may be my favourite time of year. The trees and flowers are blooming, the air is crisp and fresh, and everything feels and smells new. The sunlight seems to be a different colour. Even the clouds and rain seem softer and less harsh than in other seasons.

Not that I've been out that much as I've been sleeping a lot. I think this is because I've been feeling melancholy due to my recent thoughts about my life and the choices I've made as I said in my last post. I don't think I'm completely past all that, and I don't think I'll be past it for a while... there were choices within choices. Even though I've examined a few of them, there are many, many more events and choices that need to be considered... and forgiven.

I guess it sort of seems like I'm harping on this lately... which should tell you how profoundly affected I am by this process. It's the first time that I've really looked at those three years - 1994 to 1996. I'd thought I wanted to look at my childhood, and I do, but for some reason my inner self has chosen otherwise and given me this time period instead.

I think there's no finer time to do undertake this journey than in spring, when everything is new and I can be reborn. Plus I can go outside and walk and think and just be amidst all of the new growth.

Choices

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately. I think that my life, like anyone's, can be viewed as a series of choices. Some choices have a huge impact; some have a small impact; and some have a snowball effect, where the effect starts small and through further choices is huge.

I've also always wished that I could go back and re-do some things. You know, un-choose this choice, or choose that action instead of this... and therefore not have to deal with any of the profound choices I've made. If I'm being realistic, I know that I spent quite a lot of my life just letting my life happen... letting things just sort of happen to me instead of actively making my own choices and decisions.

I made choices in my mid-twenties that I wish I'd never made; choices I'd made without really knowing how I'd feel later... choices that have had a profound effect on my life. They were big choices that kind of came after some smaller choices. Right now, I'm coming to terms with those big choices.... and it's hard. I know that accepting and living with those choices and their impacts is the right thing to do but the process calls up a lot of emotions (most of them negative) and leaves me sad and melancholy and more sad.

I know that when the process is finished I expect that I'll be happier overall, and it's very important to do this because I haven't before... but it's so hard. I wish I could go back and do those things differently instead of dealing with this stuff. I'd be happy if I could just unmake one of the decisions that led to these big ones, so that they could have been avoided.

Just call me sleepy

Sleep sleep sleep ... over the last few days, that's all I've done. I didn't get up until almost 4pm today. I guess it's the Pamidronate, because I've been so tired.

I've also felt sort of melancholy lately; I hear things on the radio or see something on tv and I feel all ... well, sort of sad, I guess. I end up wishing I could go back to before and re-live the event or change its outcome.. or just be younger.

That's the thing, I think - I really just want to be younger than I am. I don't know if it's because I don't think I remember those times, or if it's because I don't want to get older. I understand better now why people and civilizations value youth so much.

I expect that when I'm feeling less tired I'll feel less melancholy - when I'm tired, emotions (especially negative ones) are magnified and it's easier to wish I could go back and change my history. So I think I'll get some more sleep - I must still need some - and see how I feel in the morning.

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Mother's Day here in North America, a day where we celebrate, cherish, and honour our mothers. Our mothers are the women who brought us life, who gave us knowledge, wisdom, and a safe haven. They helped us find ourselves and to become the people that we were meant to be. The people who have done these things have given us a great gift and deserve thanks for it.

This isn't to say that each of our own mothers gave us every one of these gifts. If we are very lucky, our biological mother was the one who also gave us life, knowledge, wisdom, and safety. But the biological mother need not be the one who gives these gifts; a friend, a relative, or someone else who happens to be in the right place at the right time can fill the role of "mother". If you are very lucky, you may be gifted with several people who you can call a mother.

So today, on Mother's Day, take a minute to think of and thank all of those people who have helped you grow, who have helped you find yourself, who have taught you about life - all those people who have acted as a mother to you - and thank them. You wouldn't be who you are without them.

Thank you, PatC and LisaP, for helping me find myself and being a kind of mother to me here. No one can replace my actual mother - Mom - or everything she's done for me. Thank you. I love you.

Movie!

We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button tonight. In case you didn't know or don't follow movies, it's the story of a man born as an old man who dies as a baby, aging backwards through his life. Throughout is the love of his life, Daisy, and we hear about Benjamin's life as her daughter reads his diary as Daisy is on her deathbed.

The movie is a brilliant technical achievement; the fact that the viewer can see and recognize Brad Pitt (who plays Benjamin, the title character) as an old baby and as a young old man is amazing. The movie covers about fifty years in detail and does a fantastic job of representing the technologies, clothes, and hairstyles of each era.

I found the movie sort of sad, with its missed connections and moments to remember. None of the characters, except for Benjamin and Daisy, are all that well developed, and in some ways the movie feels a bit rushed - which I didn't think was possible at a running time of 166 minutes! Much of the movie is focused on his childhood, but I think it might have been more interesting had it spent more time in later eras. For example, I'd like to have seen more of the time when Benjamin's physical body aged backwards from 20 to 12, or to a point where he could no longer function in society.

It's an interesting movie and probably worth watching if you like period movies. It can feel a bit slow but it's quite compelling, for the most part. And of course the story is interesting :)

What a gorgeous morning!

After driving Ian to work this morning, I still had over an hour before I had to leave for the hospital. It was so beautiful outside: the sun was shining there were no clouds in the sky and it was warm. So I went for a walk around my neighbourhood. I'd thought about going in the afternoon and I'm glad that I went for my walk this morning because it cooled down, got cloudy, and even rained a bit. My walk was wonderful... the birds were singing, the grass was green, and there were flowers all over the place in the clear spring morning light. I didn't even listen to music while walking because I wanted to really experience the sights and sounds of my walk.

It sounds silly to rave about a walk, doesn't it? But that's ok. I love to walk and getting to go for a walk on a perfect spring morning is something I don't get to experience all that often. I find there's something both soothing and uplifting about being outside when the weather is perfect, like it was this morning.

Now, if only I could get up early on every gorgeous day, I suspect I'd be quite relaxed and happy most of the time. I'll get to work on that. :)

Meditation starting again

After what seems like forever, my meditation class has started up again. I love that class; we have a six week on, two (or three) week off schedule. When the class is on and I'm able to get to it, I feel so much more even and emotionally stable.

This time we're going to be looking at listening to our own inner voices... and to figure out who we are, in a way. I'm looking forward to that, because lately I've been feeling off.

I don't remember much of my childhood; I have some flashes of memory but for the most part, my childhood is just not there. I don't think anything horrific happened - I'm quite sure I wasn't sexually abused, for example - but for whatever reason, it seems that the memories have been tucked away. And I also think that some of those memories are starting to come back. This is rather a difficult experience, emotionally, and so I'm very glad that I'll have new meditation tools to help me. At least I'll be able to stay grounded during the process... although I don't expect that this process will take a while.

Visiting the oncologist

Today was my regular three-month visit with my oncologist. My CA 15-3 tumour marker has gone down to 29! That's *half* of what it was when I first found out I had mets, and is definitely within normal range. This is fantastic news!!! It means that the cancer is staying put (maybe even having a bit of a sleep) instead of running around looking for new places to hang out.

I'll be having an abdominal CT scan in the next two weeks just to confirm that there's nothing going on in my liver. We'll also scan my pelvis at the same time because the last time I had a CT scan, there were two teensy-tiny sclerotic lesions in my left hemi-pelvis. That's the side of my hip and back that hurts... so it's possible that the pain isn't just from my back. I'm pretty sure that we're not going to find anything important in the scan but it's important to do them. I think my oncologist might switch me to CT scans every six months instead of once a year, which I'd like.

Speaking of pain, we talked about my lower back and hip as well. She said that I have a *very* bad back, especially for someone of my age... and that there's nothing much that can be done for it. There's degeneration around two discs just above my sacrum. I don't see how this is going to get better

My theory about the pain is this: much of the pain from there is caused by bone against bone; plus I think that there's a nerve being pinched sometimes - not the sciatic nerve, but one of the ones in that bundle of nerves - that's causing pain in my left leg and hip, and in my effort to not be in pain there, I may or may not have given myself bursitis in that hip.

I talked to my oncologist about tis theory and she agrees that this might make sense. She also said that she wouldn't have the first clue how to treat any of this - which isn't a surprise, since she's an oncologist :) This is definitely something that I'll be wanting to talk to my family doctor about.

We also talked about a PET scan. She said that if I really, really wanted one that I could go ahead and do it. But she also said that the PET scan is sort of like a bone scan in that it shows areas of increased tracer takeup, but those areas are fuzzy and aren't necessarily diagnostic. As well, the scan doesn't show things under 1cm and she won't be able to treat anything that shows up unless it also showed up and was measurable on a CT (or MRI) scan.

She did say that some people will do a PET scan if they want to surgically remove (resect) cancer from an organ like the liver and they want to be sure that there's no cancer anywhere else.

I guess if she did PET scans all the time she might feel differently - many people in the US have PET/CT scans instead of just bone scans, CTs or MRIs - but this is the way things are here.

So based on all of that, plus the fact that my tumour markers are so low, and because I'm having a CT scan within two weeks, I'm not going to do a PET scan right now. I'm ok with this because I get other scans and I don't feel like I'm not being scanned or that the cancer won't be caught early enough. I'll keep the PET in the back of my mind, though, in case anything changes.

Ian's home!

Ian arrived home sometime this morning and we've spent the day sleeping and catching up on tv. I haven't been sleeping well over the last few days and I'm very tired; it'll take a few days to get back to normal, I think.

You know how it is when you get so tired that your head hurts and you're not really able to think? I'm so there. I feel like I'm in dreamland, with everything sort of floating by.

It's going to be an early night for us tonight... and maybe tomorrow... and the next day... until I feel human again.

Oh - it seems that blogger was having a hard time publishing my blog for the last few days. I think that's been sorted out now.

Thinking about sewing... again

I've made a new decision about what I want to sew next. I'd been thinking that I wanted something that was easy to wear, comfortable, and that didn't look or feel fussy. So many of the dresses I love are more dressy and I just wouldn't wear them every day. Sure, I might wear them when I go out somewhere - like if I leave the house and do something other than walk to the nearby grocery store or walk around the block - but I don't do much these days. It would be different if I was working, of course, but I'm not.

So anyways, I wanted to make something that I would just throw on if I was bumming around at home or going to the store or whatever. And I wanted something that would look nice on me and maybe even be a little flattering, The pattern I've chosen is this simple wrap dress from the 1960s:

As you can see, it has an a-line skirt, and is quite simple. I'm going to try to make it with short sleeves to start. There are actually two front panels, one on top of the other, so I won't need to worry about wind or anything like that. I've traced out the pieces and need to grade them up. I was going to do that this evening but I ended up watching the original The Picture of Dorian Gray (a fantastic movie, by the way, and definitely worth seeing).

If the dress works out, I might make it in different fabrics. I've been buying vintage pattern/fabric combos and I now have a large collection of fabric from the 50s... it's so pretty, and most of it is still current and pretty.

There are so, so, so many dresses I want to make.... so many, in fact, that the choice can be overwhelming sometimes. For example, I'd still like to make a couple of good-quality slips to wear underneath many of the dresses I still want to make as much of the fabric I have is sheer. I have a few slip patterns that I've collected and put away, and I need to check them and see which (if any) will make slips that will work.

But one step at a time: for now, I'll try this dress, and see if it works. If it doesn't, then I'll try something else.

There are better ways to live than this

Over the last couple of days I've been spending too much time on the internet, especially on one of the cancer support boards. I care deeply about many women there and normally check in on a regular basis to see how they're doing. Once in a while I also like to read and shake my head at the drama - it can be compelling in a train-crash kind of way, you know? - but lately I've actually allowed myself to become *part* of the drama. As a result, I'm giving too much of myself into this manufactured drama. This isn't a good thing, because it takes so much energy, distorts my perspective, and isn't really *living*.

Once I realized that this was happening I went out. I felt that I just get out of the house and reconnect with the world around me a little. I went to Chapters and bought some Stephen King books to fill in my collection and then I went to the mall to wander around. I'd have gone for a walk outside to enjoy the signs of spring but it was pouring rain. I'll do that another day.

I felt so much better just getting away from the computer that I spent most of the evening lying on the couch and reading. It was so relaxing and invigorating all at the same time.

I think I'm going to try to back away a bit from the support board and to spend less time on the computer for a while. There's more to life and living than immersing myself in an online support board... and I don't need to immerse myself to give or receive support.

Lazy days

Today's movie was not a horror movie, which might surprise some of you. :) Nope, instead I watched The Green Mile, a movie based on a Stephen King serialized novel of the same name. It's been a while since I read the novel, but as I recall it was pretty good, aside from the repetition that you always get with serial novels. The story focuses on a healer on death row - the green mile of the title - back in the 1930s.

The movie is fantastic; at least as good as the novel, or maybe better. The novel was short which usually translates into a better movie (at least for Stephen King adaptations... his long novels have too much stuff in them to really make a good movie). Maybe it's because Tom Hanks is starring, or maybe it's for some other reason, but the movie is compelling. I'd planned to sort of watch it and surf the internet but ended up watching more than surfing... and it's a rare drama that holds my attention that closely.

The ending was a little sad for me, though. Tom Hank's character ended up living a long time with even longer to go.... and he didn't want it. I'd give almost anything to live decades ahead, let alone hundreds of years ahead. I think I'm feeling a bit melancholy.

No matter what I felt about the ending, the movie is still fantastic and I highly recommend it.

I did manage to do a little bit of Internet surfing done. Mostly I was looking for specific patterns on eBay... and amazingly enough, some of them are actually up for sale! I'm not going to say which ones they are because I don't want to advertise that I actually *want* them... I'm hoping that their prices won't go through the roof.

More movies for me

Has anyone else noticed that there's not that much on tv these days? The shows that are on right now are shows that both Ian and I watch and since he's gone, I'm not going to watch them until he gets back.

So I watched movies today. Yay for movies!

First up was Apt Pupil, a movie we've owned for a while but that I've never seen. It's based on a very good novella by Stephen King. I haven't read the story in quite a long time, but it seems to me that the movie and the book were different. That doesn't mean that the movie is bad - in fact, like other adaptations of King's shorter works, it's quite good.

The movie is about a high-school student who discovers that someone in his own community was part of the Holocaust. The boy confronts the man and demands that he tell him about what really happened then. The telling of these things changes both of them, of course, in believable ways. I enjoyed the movie although there were a couple of scenes that bothered me. I know that no animals were hurt... but while I can watch just about any atrocity to humans, I can't watch anything bad happen to animals. Aside from those scenes, the movie was quite watchable.

Also look for a supporting performance by Fringe star Joshua Jackson. If that fine-looking gentleman isn't enough reason to watch this movie, I don't know what is. :)

The second movie is one I watched On Demand, called The Chair. It's about a haunted house where the spirit of a man first scares, and then possesses, a Master's psychology student with a history of mental illness. The movie is quite spooky even if it feels a little slow in the middle. There's hardly any blood or gore, either. For the most part, the movie is quite subtle and depends heavily on the lead actress. She does an ok job of it - the viewer can clearly see the difference between the normal and the possessed psychology student.

I did find some of the ending parts of the story somewhat unbelievable... I might have missed the clues before, but some of the things that happened at the end didn't seem to make sense and seemed to come from out of the blue. I might watch it again tomorrow just to see whether I really did miss some clues. Even though the end is weird, the movie is watchable and interesting and I'd recommend it.

I'd better not talk

I seem to have lost my voice... when I try to speak, out comes a croak-whisper. I don't remember the last time I lost my voice and I hope that this doesn't mean that I'm getting really sick. Or the swine flu.

Ian's going away for the next few days so I'll have the place to myself. I always miss him when he goes away but it's also nice to spend time on my own sometimes. Being on my own isn't going to be as fun if I'm sick for the entire time. So lets hope that I'm not actually getting sick.

Sunday afternoon movie

We do occasionally watch movies on Sundays, especially when it isn't all that nice out. Today we watched [Rec], which is the Spanish version that is Quarantine... except that [Rec] came first. That's right, [Rec] was released in 2007, and Quarantine in 2008; moreover, Quarantine is almost completely a shot-for-shot remake of [Rec]. It's almost like someone decided that [Rec] was a good movie - which it is - but that it needed to be shot in English. With a couple of small additions.

Both movies are good but each had different strengths. I had very much disliked the same protagonist in Quarantine as I just didn't find her believable enough. I very much liked the female protagonist in [Rec] and thought that the actress portraying her was real and believable. Then again, I felt that the firefighters in Quarantine were portrayed as real characters, which I liked, whereas the ones in [Rec] were more one-dimensional.

I did feel that some of the action - namely, shutting down and quarantining the building - was something that was more likely to happen in the US, making Quarantine slightly more believable to me. Of course I don't know much about military action like this in other countries. It's possible that any country would be able to respond that quickly and forcefully.

The biggest difference between the two movies is in the end scene. Many of the Quarantine additions were to this end scene, which meant that it is much longer. I liked the shorter ending in [Rec] because I thought the longer English one dragged on. Being shorter, the one in [Rec] was tenser, scarier, and more powerful.

Overall, I think that I liked [Rec] slightly more than Quarantine, mostly because of how much scarier it was. Somehow, even though Quarantine was shot-to-shot the same in almost every way, those shots in [Rec] managed to be tenser and scarier. Having a better actress as the protagonist doesn't hurt, either.

Both movies are well worth seeing and I highly recommend both of them. If you've already seen Quarantine, see [Rec] anyway; it's worth the hour and a half of your time.

If it's Saturday, it must be movie day

Ever since the last Toronto International Film Festival, I've been wanting to see Martyrs. The movie generated quite a bit of controversy in France; apparently it was given an 18+ rating, which is equivalent to banning the movie. We rented and watched the movie tonight and I thought the movie was fantastic. I think I know why it got the rating it did: there's quite a bit of killing and torture everywhere. It isn't "torture porn", because every scene is required and has no more torture, beating, killing, or blood than is absolutely necessary to tell he story..

The movie centers around Lucie, who has been kidnapped, beaten, and tortured as a child, and her close friend Anna, who will do everything she can to help Lucie. The movie is clearly divided into two parts. The first half tells the story of Lucie finding the people who kidnapped, beat, and tortured her... and what she does with that knowledge. Lucie is clearly the main focus of the first half of the movie even though Anna is present and functioning.

This focus changes in the second half of the story. Here, Anna takes Lucie's place and is tortured and beaten herself. The second half does sometimes feel as though it's dragging a bit because the viewer is presented with image after image after image of Anna in the torture chamber, mostly receiving beatings. There is no soundtrack during this part of the movie; there is no music to cover these sounds, which also makes the viewer that much more aware of passing time..

This is an extremely powerful movie and although we highly recommend it, it's definitely not for the faint of heart. There's more going on that what the viewer sees... and it's up to the viewer to put much of the story together. I won't tell you what the point of the story is because that's something you need to find out for yourself. I think I would like to see this movie again because I think that it's a multi-layered movie and I could learn more from the extra scrutiny.

After watching that deep and difficult movie, we decided to watch the original Dawn of the Dead, one of the classic Romero zombie movies. In this one, our protagonists hole themselves up in a shopping mall. I'd love to have complete, free access to a mall - it's like a dream come true! Except for the zombies, of course, and anyone who knows anything about protecting oneself from zombies knows that a mall isn't a defensible location. There are too many open spaces.

That aside, this is quite a good, if slightly long, zombie movie. The people behave like you'd expect people to behave in this situation, and the movie does a fine job of showing what it would be like for people to move forward into the unknown. The sets feel claustrophobic, the people start snapping at each other, there are warring factions, and all along, there's the doomsday knowledge that the zombies are trying to eat them. This is also a movie that's definitely worth watching. Of course there's some gore and whatnot, but it *is* a zombie movie... and what's a zombie movie without zombie blood (and zombie humour)?

So much fighting

People are fighting over at YSC. Another met-sister has died, with almost no warning; and on the same day that her death was announced, someone who'd had stage II cancer posted a message asking everyone to pretend she'd died, and what would we say, because she was worried about having to do scans. Yeah, she has PTSD, but the timing of this message could have been better. Especially since she said that she checked t he mets boards before posting anything. Hmm.

Needless to say, the responses to the post have been mixed; generally, those that didn't have mets supported her and those that have mets were unsupportive. There are exceptions on both sides, of course, but that's generally how the cards fell this time.

I know this'll surprise you, but that's how the cards fall most of the time. There's a decided rift between the two camps that is becoming greater and greater. It seems that the ones who don't have mets think that the metsters are all bitches (they *do* tend to tell it like it is, with little softening), and the metsters think the ones without mets are narcissistic and insensitive. Again, there are exceptions on both sides.

And you know, both sides are right. Many of the non-mets people *can* be narcissistic and their complaints can come across as insensitive, unnecessary, and boring. Many of the metsters *can* be bitchy... and the bitchiest are the ones who've just had a bad turn. If you've just found out your cancer has taken up space in your brain or you lungs or your liver, you're not going to have much patience for people who are complaining about things that seem silly.

There used to be more understanding and compassion between the two sides. But now it seems like people are spoiling for a fight and every time something little happens, it blows up into a huge brawl. I know that things get worse when people die... but people still need help when other people die. I wish... I wish both sides would see things from the other's perspective. I wish things people were getting along. It's getting to be so much worse on that support board that it's not a good place to be, a lot of the time.

Sleep, glorious sleep

I'm sure you're not surprised to know that I was quite tired after the conference. There were late nights, early mornings, lots of travel, and emotional highs and lows all weekend, which left me exhausted.

Yesterday we also changed our mattress topper: through the winter, we put an electric bedwarmer on to make the bed warm, and through the summer, we have a 2" memory foam mattress topper. The electric bedwarmer (it's a mattress topper that's like an electric blanket) can't be used with the memory foam because heat is what activates the foam.

The memory foam is way, way, way more comfortable than anything else.... and it makes my back and hips feel so very much better. I slept almost the entire clock around yesterday - from 11pm Tuesday to 8pm yesterday - and I got another good 12 hours of sleep today.

I'm starting to feel almost human again... like I could actually do things again. But first, I think I need just a little more sleep.

The conference

I would have written much earlier about the trip and the conference, but I didn't get back until yesterday at noon and I was too tired to write anything to anyone!

I was flying from Philadelphia to Kitchener via Detroit with a 45min connection time and the Philly-Detroit flight was delayed. We left the gate, found a mechanical problem concerning the airflow and heating/cooling system in the passenger cabin, so went back to the gate for a fix. We were there for quite a while before we left the gate again and ended up in a 45min taxi queue. All in all, my flight was 2h late which meant that I landed in Detroit after my connection landed in Kitchener, so I spent the night in Detroit. It wasn't so bad; the airline put us up at a nearby hotel and there was a shuttle going right there. Plus they put me on a flight for the next morning and checked me in.

Aside from that travel adventure, all of the traveling was uneventful. I spent the entire conference weekend in the hotel although I was up late each night socializing. Friday night we ended up having a gathering in one of the meeting-ish areas of the hotel lobby. We ordered pizza and talked and chatted with each other; it was fun even if it was overwhelming. On Saturday, a bunch of people went into the city (we were in a suburb) for dinner but I was too tired to go. They didn't get back until 11:30pm that night, after which we hung out for about 2 hours.

One of the reasons that I so much wanted to go to the conference was to see the other women with mets. Talking to them online is one thing but meeting them in person is quite another. No one looks exactly like I imagined they would - even if they had pictures in their signature! Almost no one puts of pictures of their everyday selves there; they put up their best pictures :) Most people said that they thought I was taller. I think that means they thought I was of normal height :)

I also met some of other women from Calgary, which was fantastic. The care in the US can be very different from what we get in Canada that it's great to compare notes with other Canadian women. I'm very much hoping that we'll keep in touch.

There's something about meeting women from other places that have advanced breast cancer that's quite reassuring. Almost everyone has more cancer than I do, and they are all handling it. Even if they have to have awful treatments or they're on steroids to reduce inflammation for brain mets, they're still managing to have as good a life as possible. From that, I figure that when my cancer starts hanging out in other organs, I'll manage. Even if I have to have an awful treatment, I'll manage. I see other people doing it, so I know I'll be able to.

This isn't to say that everyone is good friends just because we all share the same disease. Having cancer doesn't make us all like each other or change who we are. We might be a bit more tolerant of each other (especially of anyone with brain mets on steroids), but we don't necessarily like each other. That's ok because it keeps the "hanging out" groups small. I spent most of my time with some number of a group of 10 or 12 of us. I liked that. I knew of another 10 or 15 people there, and while I saw them and could say hello, I didn't really spend much time with them. And that was ok, too, because no one was left alone.

So that was the social life (a huuuuge part of the conference), but I didn't just travel all that way to hang out with a bunch of people. I got a grant to go to the conference which means that I had to attend the actual conference :)

The main conference speeches talked about the new research areas which include targeted therapies like Herceptin and Avastin. These therapies (and the ones they're researching) target cancer cell-specific actions and block them off or change them in some way so that the cells die. Of course this means that they need to find out other cancer cell-specific actions. They're still working on that, but there does seem to be enough pathways known right now on which the drugs could work that would benefit many of us. One benefit of these therapies is that the side effects are almost non-existent since they have little to no effect on non-cancer cells. Pretty cool, huh? I definitely thought so.

I guess these types of therapies are monoclonal antibodies, which is a topic I remember reading about back in high school. They knew about them then but they didn't really know what to do with them or how they could be used. I think I remember back then that they hoped it would help cure or treat cancer... but clearly, the mechanisms by which cancer grows are much more complicated than they might have thought (or than they might think now, for all I know) 20-odd years ago. Still, I have hope that now that they've come out with a few of these drugs, more and more will be available. Plus I think that the research itself is super-cool.... at least until they start doing serious research into nanobodies or nanonites.

Anyways, back to the conference. Aside from the main speech, the conference had workshops on both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday I went to a workshop on Sexuality and Intimacy. The speaker was a man, which is unfortunate because the workshop wasn't well-attended even though many, many people asked questions about sex in the "ask-the-experts" forum the next day.

Anyways, I learned that some anti-depressants have a negative effect on sexuality and if the anti-depressant can't be changed, the woman can take Cialis so that she's more interested and more able. I also learned that it's important not to put all the eggs in one basket in an all-or-nothing way: just because a woman might not be able to have intercourse doesn't exclude all types of sexuality and intimacy. I think that these ideas are useful for non-breast cancer people, too. Who knew that women could take Cialis? And that it would have a positive effect? I didn't before, but I do now.

Sunday I went to a Pain Management workshop. That was also small, which was fine, because I function better in a small group setting. That talk was quite interesting. The speaker focused a lot on telling the healthcare people not only that one is in pain, which is very important, but also to try to describe that pain. She also talked about the fact that pain, and therefore pain control, is individual. Each of us feels pain in a unique way and each of us responds to painkillers in a different way. Some of us metabolize these drugs differently than others, and that's ok. Some of us need more of the drugs than someone with comparable pain, and that's ok, too. I came away feeling reassured that I'm not a freak and that it's ok to want to get rid of the pain.

Of course not all pain is cancer pain... and in talking casually with other conference participants, I learned some things about the pain I'm experiencing. As a reminder, I have pain in my lower back, in my hip joint when I bend my leg in certain ways, and on the outside of my hip.

The person I was talking to said that she had pain in that exact spot on the outside of the hip and that hers was bursitis. I looked that up on the internet and I could very well have bursitis there as a side-effect of trying to walk with the pain in my lower back that spreads down my leg, and the occasional pain from my hip joint. After all, my mutant elbow (which is down by about half now) is bursitis and caused by not gripping the cane properly. It stands to reason that if that could cause mutant elbow, walking badly could cause swelling and pain in the hip.

So after all of this, I think I want to see a physiotherapist and/or chiropractor (or an orthopedic person) to see if we can't get me back in balance in such a way as to get rid of the pain in my lower back AND deal with the pain in my hip as well. There's no sense getting rid of one if the other's still there if they're connected, right? I might get rid of my limp and my cane yet!

Overall, I'm very, very happy that I went to the conference this past weekend. I'm happy that I met the people I did, spent time with the people I did, and learned the things that I did. I wish that I could go to more of these, but there's only so much that I can do and so much money that I have. I'll go as often as I can, though, because being with my met-sisters is good for me in a way that I can hardly explain.

Leaving on a jet plane

I've got everything together and I'm pretty well all packed. Believe it or not, I managed to put everything into one small bag that I can carry-on by putting the strap across my body. If I squish the stuff in the bag, I think I could even fit my purse inside. Now *that's* good packing.

I've been having trouble with my hip again today... and while I'd like to think that my hip will be fine tomorrow, what if it isn't? I don't want to be lugging a suitcase behind me while hobbling around with the cane; having one hand free makes getting around so much easier.

I won't be updating my blog until Sunday night or Monday, so I hope you have as fun a weekend as I (hope I) will!

Where did this come from?

You know that I'm walking with a cane because my hip is sore and hurts when I walk without it. Today, for some reason, my hip has been in agony - worse than ever before. I've been barely able to walk and stairs.... stairs... stairs are almost too much for me. I stood at the top of the upstairs earlier, unsure that I could actually go to the main floor. When I next head upstairs for bed, I'm not coming back downstairs. And even just sitting or lying down, I'm getting wicked, agonizing pain in my hip. Where did this pain come from?

I haven't had pain like this since before we got the sternal mets pain under control. I've taken Percocet (and I hope it starts working soon - holy oh crap my hip hurts) even though I don't really want to take it. I sleep too long when I take then Percocet, and I'm leaving for the conference early Friday morning and need to get stuff done tomorrow. I tell you, this pain is sucking the life out of me.

I met up with a friend of mine the other day, and another woman she knows had a PET scan done in Mississauga. A PET scan is standard-of-care for metastatic breast cancer in the US but not here in Canada as it's expensive and there aren't many machines around. This scan uses a radioactive tracer (like a bone scan does, although it uses a different tracer) that bonds to glucose. A hot spot, where glucose uptake is higher, indicates that there's something fast-growing in the body and so can detect metastatic cancers at a much earlier stage than can a CT, MRI, or bone scan.

The woman who had the PET scan done has the same oncologist as me, so I could probably ask my oncologist to request one... the issue would be paying for it. The center in Mississauga charges about $2400, which I assume is on par with other centers. There is a possibility that my insurance might pay for it so when I get back from the conference, I'll give them a call. I see my oncologist in early May and have scans coming up in June and including a PET scan in with the others isn't a bad idea.

As an aside - reconstructing images in any of these scanning methods is very difficult... and also very very cool. It's a kind of "big technology" that I find awesome and interesting. I think I'm supposed to have enough math to actually understand how stuff works but I'd rather just sit back and admire it all.

Living with mets.... and the conference

I'm looking forward to the conference this weekend. I'll get to learn things and to see and be around people who get me in ways that other people who have breast cancer but not mets can't. It's not that these people with non-metastatic breast cancer can't understand me but there are a number of reasons why I end up feeling uncomfortable.

One reason is that I can end up feeling like I'm on display - like I'm the boogeyman who embodies their worst fears. Then there are some people with earlier stage breast cancer who "just want to understand those of us with mets" - which is fine if they just go to the conference, but I've heard people express the desire to listen to our stories. This idea leaves me very, very uncomfortable, as though someone is trying to take from me more than I'm prepared to give. It's one thing if I volunteer information; it's quite another if someone is trying to get it from me for their own purposes.

The other thing is that when mets people get together, there's a kind of shared history - we all know we've got a terminal illness and that colours what we say and do. Some of the humour is pretty black, I'll tell you :) The point is that women with non-metastatic breast cancer don't usually have that history and so it has to be explained... which interrupts the flow of conversation. I know that this might seem to be a little thing, but this shared history and point of view is something that I treasure.

So with all that said, one of the reasons I was especially looking forward to this conference is that it's aimed at women with mets - women like me. There's at least one woman who's going who doesn't have mets.... she's going because she wants to say goodbye to one of the women who isn't doing well. That would be fine and normal if they knew each other well.... but these two women aren't even friends.

WTF? How creepy is that? What the hell is this woman thinking? She's gone and invited herself to this conference just for the purpose of being with one of the women who's not doing well.

I hope this woman decides not to go to the conference. It's just so.... rude of her to have invited herself so that she can be creepy and stalkerish. All I can say right now is that I have a cane and I'm not afraid to use it. I don't want my friend to have to deal with this ... this.... b!tch. Grrr.

I'm still looking forward to the *rest* of the conference, and to hanging out with my friends.

Happy Easter!

Easter Sunday is a great day - almost as good as Christmas and my birthday. The Easter bunny pays a visit and leaves chocolate. Yum :) I don't get as much chocolate as I did when I was a kid, but the quality of the chocolate is better these days.

We spent the weekend at Ian's parent's and ate way too much yummy food. It was quite a relaxing weekend spent mostly sitting around and watching tv.

I just wish the dishes had done themselves and the house had cleaned itself before we got home. Alas, these objects aren't capable of doing anything other than existing. The dishes will get done: I plan to make supper tomorrow which will need clean dishes, so I'll have to do them. Daily existence can be somewhat less fun than a restful weekend.

Shopping for new things for Easter

Almost everybody likes to have new things for Easter. Spring is springing and it's nice to have a new thing to bring in the new season.

I really will get around to sewing a new thing for me, but in the meantime, I've been looking at new beads and stuff. One of the suppliers from which I occasionally purchase beads is liquidating all of their inventory. Everything was 40% off a couple of weeks ago and now is 50% off. Not only that, I got a coupon code for an extra 15% off from another site. The price might go down even further but I don't know how far down the prices will go.... or whether the coupon will last long enough to be used with a greater discount.

So of course I want to just go and buy, buy, buy. I started by going through all of the listings and adding anything that I thought I might like. That total came to $1250 (before the 15% off coupon), which is obviously too much to spend. I started taking things away and I've got things almost to a reasonable number. Most of what I have in my shopping cart is findings as opposed to beads. At these prices, the sterling silver stuff is well below the current silver prices. I've also been thinking of using copper for some designs because some colours go well with copper. The copper is much cheaper than sterling silver.

The most expensive item in my shopping cart is a strand of opal round beads. They're quite small at 5 or 6mm but they appear to be good quality. I've been hemming and hawing about buying the opal, because I love it, but there are other types of beads that I could buy for the same price.

Clearly I need to think about whether I want to buy all of this stuff. There are of course other beads and whatnot that I'd love to buy from other sites and I have to be sure that I'm going to get the best value for my money. 50% off isn't a bargain if I don't need or couldn't use the stuff, right?

Getting ready for next weekend

I've been meaning to do some sewing for the conference in Philadelphia this coming weekend but I just haven't been able to make myself do enough work on it. I suppose if I worked flat out for the rest of the week I'd be able to get the dress done... but I'm trying to conserve energy for the conference.

It turns out that there are 25 or 30 women with mets from the YSC board going to this conference - that's a lot! Most of them, including me, are arriving Friday night and are all going to get together and talk. No non-mets people allowed to that talk! It's limiting to have non-mets people present when women with mets are talking; too often they don't want to hear some of the things we need to talk about. Like the treatments and the fears. And the terminal aspect of the illness. Too many non-mets women try to minimize these things because it scares them.... but we need to talk about them, too. And I, at least, don't want to censor myself.

Some of the women who were at Westport with me will be at the conference. Three of them have taken a turn for the worse: one with dural mets, one with possible brain mets, and one whose cancer has gone everywhere - her bones, her brain, her liver, and it was already in her lungs. Once cancer goes to so many places, time is very, very short. I don't think I'm alone in thinking that this will be the last time I see this woman.

Of course there's more to the conference than visiting.... there's the conference itself :) I'm hoping to learn something from the workshops and to meet even more women with mets from all over the place.

So you can see how the trip might be exhausting, between being at the conference for two full days and learning stuff and the emotional aspect of being around women who aren't doing well, and why I want to be sure I have enough energy built up beforehand so that I'm not exhausted while I'm there or afterwards. In Westport I was tired before the weekend was out because I did too much, too fast. This time, I'll go slower. And if I don't end up finishing my sewing before I go, well, I'll finish it up after the conference. It's more important to get through the conference than to sew for it.

Pamidronate day... and some thoughts

I had my Pamidronate today - on a different day than usual, which means that I get a different nurse to disconnect it than usual. I like today's nurse a lot; she's always very nice and seems to really, genuinely care about people. My usual Monday nurse tends to be cranky and brusque.

I hadn't seen the Thursday nurse in a very long time (she bought earrings from me before, and if I had anything to show her she'd have bought more today) so we did some catching up. I found myself talking about how my activities are limited and how I'm ok with that. Before, I would plan to do this, that, and the other thing in a day, but I can't do as much now. So if I get one thing done in a day, that's good, and any more than that is a bonus. What surprised me about talking about this was that I really felt like I have accepted my limitations. I knew I'd been feeling emotionally ok but I didn't realize just how well I actually felt.

We also talked about mindfulness. I don't remember lots and lots of my past, not just because I was drinking or doing drugs, but because I simply wasn't paying attention. I coasted through so many years without being emotionally involved or stopping to take a look at where I was, what I was doing, or how I was feeling. I feel very different now. I try to pay attention to what I'm doing - to be mindful - so that I can look back and remember it. I feel like I've wasted too much of my life by just not being there. I want to feel like I'm really living whatever life I have left.

Friends of my dad

My sister started a new job and has been meeting a lot of new people. It turns out that one of the people she met was a good friend of our dad's in the last place he worked - what a small world! Apparently my dad started out grumpy (which he could definitely be, although I think he was shy, too) and then turned into this sociable guy, telling jokes and stories about growing up and watching movies and stuff. He used to tell my sisters and me the same stories but I don't remember them very well.

My dad's friend was female, which is no surprise, because my dad was a charmer from a very early age. He used to tell me that he'd talk to anyone, no matter what they looked like, and that that was how he charmed all of these girls. He was very easy-going with people, especially women, and tended to accept them for who they were in a non-judgmental way.

Finding out about my dad's friend and hearing what she said is eye-opening, because while I knew my dad had friends, I never thought any of us would know them or hear them talk about my dad as they saw him. We were his kids and even though we ended up developing adult-type relationships with him, I think to him we were always his little girls and so he wouldn't have been the same person with other people as he was with us. And from my perspective, I knew that my dad was an adult and not just my dad. Finding out about his friend gave me a more well-rounded view of who my dad really was.

It made me feel good to know that my dad was well-liked and that he was someone I would have like to have spent more time with even had I not been his daughter. My dad was nowhere near perfect but he was a pretty good guy and a role model. I wish I could tell him this now, or that I'd known before he died so that I could have told him.

Finished with the jewelry... on with the sewing

I delivered the finished necklace and earring sets to the bride this afternoon. I'm quite pleased with the result, especially because the final product looks almost exactly like the sketch. The first picture is the design (done by laying out the beads in the pattern) and the second is the actual necklace. They don't have the same background because they weren't taken under the same conditions, but you can see see the important stuff.

The big oval beads are dyed mother-of-pearl, the light teardrop briolettes are mystic blue quartz, and the other two dark beads are apatite. These beads, especially the mother-of-pearl with its swirls of colour, will go perfectly with the turquoise bridesmaid's dresses. The bride also wanted something that would be suitable for a beach wedding AND be wearable after the wedding. I think these pieces fit those requirements, too.... not to mention that the pieces are lovely. :)

Now that I'm done with this project, I can get back to sewing. Yay! I didn't work on any of that today but I hope to get some stuff done tomorrow. It's going to be a busy week; Ian's got an appointment Wednesday morning and I have Pamidronate Thursday morning. And of course the Easter Bunny comes this weekend :) As long as I don't sleep my afternoons away, I should be able to make some headway on the dress for the trip next weekend. I hope.

Finally, a design

I finally figured out exactly how to do the necklaces for the bridesmaids. As you know, I was having trouble with the 3-way or Y connections; I didn't know how to attach a drop to a beaded chain and still make it look good. My first thought was to attach each part to a closed loop but that didn't look right. So this morning I went looking for some type of connector, but the only ones I found that I even remotely liked were $2 each, and I need 20 of them. Scratch that.

After some experimentation I figured out a way to use some small spacers I have. The wire I'm using is very fine (26 gauge) because one of the stones in the design has very tiny holes, and I can fit three of those wires in the hole on the spacers.

I've finished two of the necklaces this evening and I'll do the other two tomorrow. The earrings won't take any time at all.

Tonight we watched Zombie Strippers!, a movie about strippers that become zombies and end up being super-strippers. They get lots of attention and guys coming to the club, and they have stripper battles and stuff. There's a lot of funny dialog and funny lines. You might be surprised to know that there's also a lot of nudity, a lot of stripping, and a lot of gore. If you like all of that, you'll love this movie. :)

Much about nothing

I should have more to talk about today because in theory, I would have done stuff. But really, all I did was go to the store to get milk and cereal... and that's not much of anything.

Sure, I played with the jewelry for the bridesmaids a bit, but I didn't finish anything. I don't like the way that I'm connecting the beads in the necklace right now. I'm using rings at the three-way points where I have things dropping below the necklace itself but I don't like the look. I wish I had some silversmithing knowledge because I think I might like to have solid circular plates with tiny holes to which I can connect each of the three points. I'll have to think of something else. I'm not without ideas and I'll have to do some experimentation tomorrow to get it looking like it does in my head.

And yeah, we watched a DVD that came with Just After Sunset by Stephen King. The DVD is a moving-comic version of N., one of the stories in the book. While it didn't follow the story word-for-word, it did a good job of conveying the creepiness of the story. The story is about a ring of stones that contain something from another world... unless someone views the stones, in which case one of them disappears. But only people who've heard about the stones can get to see them. The idea behind the story - that there's a secret field where only people who've heard the secret can see it and people who hear the secret are compelled to go the  field - is very cool in a House of Leaves kind of way.

Aside from that... I got nothing.

The last curling night

Tonight was the last regular Thursday curling night and I thought I would go and say hi - or goodbye - and pick up my curling gear. I hadn't been back in the club since I fell that night and had to start using the cane.

It was a little weird to be in there and not curling. Everything looked the same and smelled the same but it all felt different to me. I guess the fact that I was there but I can't curl there makes me see things differently.

Unfortunately there weren't too many people there tonight... and even more unfortunately, the people I used to talk to most often weren't there :( I suppose I'll see those people again next season or later, if I go some evening and they're curling.

It would be nice to be able to curl again someday. Then again, I don't really want the Femara to stop working - too many of the women I know are in the middle of treatment failures and I don't want to be one of them. Having stable cancer means more to me than curling.

Sleep, sleep, sleep all day

I should have known that after being so busy the last few days, I would sleep in today. I had all sorts of plans for the day - I was going to work on the bridesmaid's jewelry since the design has been confirmed and I thought I might get some pattern work done. Ha! Instead, I slept all day, getting up at 6pm to have breakfast and watch tv.

I'm still tired so I know that I'll sleep well when I go to sleep again. Hopefully I'll get up much earlier tomorrow so that I can do what I'd planned on doing today. I don't mind sleeping a lot because I clearly need it - but sleeping all day isn't the same as living.

I hope that when I go to Philadephia I don't get tired like this. Two of the women who are going and whom I met in Westport are not doing as well as they were before... one of them, at least, may have taken a turn for the seriously worse. I want to spend as much time as possible with them and everyone while we're together. Time is too short to spend it asleep.