Thursday, April 09, 2009

Pamidronate day... and some thoughts

I had my Pamidronate today - on a different day than usual, which means that I get a different nurse to disconnect it than usual. I like today's nurse a lot; she's always very nice and seems to really, genuinely care about people. My usual Monday nurse tends to be cranky and brusque.

I hadn't seen the Thursday nurse in a very long time (she bought earrings from me before, and if I had anything to show her she'd have bought more today) so we did some catching up. I found myself talking about how my activities are limited and how I'm ok with that. Before, I would plan to do this, that, and the other thing in a day, but I can't do as much now. So if I get one thing done in a day, that's good, and any more than that is a bonus. What surprised me about talking about this was that I really felt like I have accepted my limitations. I knew I'd been feeling emotionally ok but I didn't realize just how well I actually felt.

We also talked about mindfulness. I don't remember lots and lots of my past, not just because I was drinking or doing drugs, but because I simply wasn't paying attention. I coasted through so many years without being emotionally involved or stopping to take a look at where I was, what I was doing, or how I was feeling. I feel very different now. I try to pay attention to what I'm doing - to be mindful - so that I can look back and remember it. I feel like I've wasted too much of my life by just not being there. I want to feel like I'm really living whatever life I have left.

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