Choices

I've been thinking a lot about choices lately. I think that my life, like anyone's, can be viewed as a series of choices. Some choices have a huge impact; some have a small impact; and some have a snowball effect, where the effect starts small and through further choices is huge.

I've also always wished that I could go back and re-do some things. You know, un-choose this choice, or choose that action instead of this... and therefore not have to deal with any of the profound choices I've made. If I'm being realistic, I know that I spent quite a lot of my life just letting my life happen... letting things just sort of happen to me instead of actively making my own choices and decisions.

I made choices in my mid-twenties that I wish I'd never made; choices I'd made without really knowing how I'd feel later... choices that have had a profound effect on my life. They were big choices that kind of came after some smaller choices. Right now, I'm coming to terms with those big choices.... and it's hard. I know that accepting and living with those choices and their impacts is the right thing to do but the process calls up a lot of emotions (most of them negative) and leaves me sad and melancholy and more sad.

I know that when the process is finished I expect that I'll be happier overall, and it's very important to do this because I haven't before... but it's so hard. I wish I could go back and do those things differently instead of dealing with this stuff. I'd be happy if I could just unmake one of the decisions that led to these big ones, so that they could have been avoided.