More things to fit me

I don't think I've mentioned that I bought a bathing suit recently. Yep, I bought this one at Winners. It doesn't look quite like that on me because I'm shorter and wider than the model but I'm very happy with the way that it fits and every time I put it on, I want to keep wearing it. The skirted bottom doesn't look frumpy but gives a bit of coverage, which I like. I think I will bring the top front in just a bit so that I'm not quite as exposed up top.

I'm pretty well finished the major parts of sewing the first vintage pattern I altered and it fits really well. I even put the zipper in (and matched the waist seams!) The only thing I have left to do is the bias binding trim around the neck and sleeves, sew the buttonholes, and hem it - all of this I consider to be "the trim". And I didn't feel like doing this today, so I've started altering another pattern.

I'm working on this pattern, which is another (hopefully better) version of the Butterick Walk-away dress. Apparently the Walk-away dress was so popular that Butterick had to suspend production on all other patterns to meet demand - I don't know whether that's true, but that's what I've heard. I have to grade up the pattern and then alter it for me

Rainy movie Sunday

We saw Get Smart (the movie) this afternoon. It wasn't too bad, overall. It wasn't quite like the original tv series but there were definitely some funny bits in there. If you like comedies then you might like this one. I'm sort of watching Hackers as I'm writing this, and it appears to be a pretty funny movie. I didn't know that Penn was in it :) It makes computer tasks, memory, and processes look so cool.

My vintage pattern obsession appears to be running almost unchecked. I have bought some more patterns and hope to bid on another lot in the next few days. There comes a point where I start to wonder if I'm buying more patterns than I need ... especially if I add in all of the new patterns I have. There may come a day when I decide that I need to sell some of the patterns that I have. We'll see; there are only so many patterns I'll be able to sew.

The Coz

We saw Bill Cosby perform tonight. We think that the show might be aimed at a slightly different demographic than us; perhaps it's aimed more along the lines of the retirement home members that were bussed to the show :)

Overall, the show was ok. Some of the routines went on a bit too long. One of these was the colonoscopy routine.... I guess the detailed description of how the laxative worked is funny to some but not so much to me, I'm afraid. Still, many people in the audience (like the person one row back and three seats to the left) found the show hilarious.

Regardless of how I felt about the show, there's something to be said for being able to see such a famous, iconic person at a live show. So it was worth it just for that.

Chipmunk naps

We have the cutest chipmunks in the backyard! This afternoon a chipmunk was trying to find a good place to sleep. First it did some digging:


Then it had a little snooze:


And then a streeeeeeetch:


Finally, a stretched-out rest:


Those pictures are not bad, considering that the camera was still on manual :)

Ian's home now. He took a look at my rash and said that a) I hadn't described it properly to him and b) I should have seen a doctor. The rash has got lots of red hot itchy angry-looking bumps that now have a diffuse border where the previous pain patches were. Note that those patches came off before I had Pamidronate and the rash appeared about 24-36 hours after the patches were taken off. I did talk to the pharmacist today and she said to put cortisone cream on them. That's what I'm doing. Thanks for all of your help and suggestions, everyone.

Anyways - it's nice to have Ian home :)

A unique form of exercise

I went to a trial pole dancing (polercize?) class tonight. I had a great time. We did some floor work, some practice against the wall, and a little bit on the pole (mostly walking around it and a couple of spins). It' s quite a workout! I very much enjoyed it and I'll think about taking a 6-week session later on. This studio has six levels that are offered as six-week sessions. At level 3 you get to wear high heels :)

The class made me forget about the itchy rash on my back and arm. I don't know what's happened but I have an itchy rash under where the previous fentanyl patches were (the ones before the ones I have on now). There are angry red dots that have shown up and they itch like crazy. it's almost certainly some kind of allergic reaction to the patches, although I don't know why I haven't had the reaction before (well.... I do have some bruisey things where I was leaning on an afghan on my bare leg this afternoon; this doesn't happen often and it doesn't look like that... maybe the two things are connected?). I'm reluctant to put anything on the rash dots in case I make them worse, but if anyone knows of a product that will make them not itch, I'd love to hear about it.

I get to sew some more

Sorry there was no post yesterday - I had Pamidronate and it knocked me out at 7pm. I did wake up at 1am and watched Beneath the Planet of the Apes but when I went to bed afterward at 3am I stayed there until 1pm today. So I was tired.

I've received all of the vintage patterns I ordered, and the person who sent me the last two sent me one additional one. :) Someone on etsy also asked to trade patterns for earrings and I'm definitely not going to say no to that! I get three patterns and I am sending out two pairs of earrings.

Now I just need to get sewing. On Monday, after my doctor's appointments, I stopped by Fabricland and discovered that they were having a sale. So I bought the fabrics that I'd had my eye on... and I have patterns to go with them, too. I'm hoping to have some new stuff made before we go to Lexington, KY for the International Juggler's Association festival. So I have a deadline of sorts, too :)

Stable!

I saw my family doctor today and he had my CT and bone scan results. They both showed nothing other than the sternal mets that I've had for a couple of years now. In other words, it looks like my cancer is stable. Yes!!!!! I was thrilled when I found this out and I'm still quite excited about it. I did a really big happy dance.

Later on I thought about my dad and how he'd be so happy for me and how it was Father's Day yesterday and how I was in Edmonton with my parents last year for Father's Day when things were starting (but we didn't know then how bad things were) and I dissolved into a puddle of tears. I ended up crying myself to sleep in a nap and so I missed bellydance class today. I haven't cried this hard since the day he died. Grief strikes in unexpected ways, even now. I love you, Pere, and I miss you so much.

Who needs an internet connection? Me!

Upon arriving home after a pleasant afternoon with friends, I did what I always do - plunked myself down on the couch in front of the laptop and checked mail and looked at some favourite websites.

I watched as the connection got slower and slower and finally died. I was able to ping some sites at first but eventually nothing got through. Looking at the modem, I saw that the DSL light was mostly off or flashing and I knew that this didn't bode well.

I called the provider and they are sending me a new modem. This means that I'll be without internet for at least two days until it arrives. ARGH! I'm typing this on my blackberry (I'm not totally without options, here) but I can't do all of my normal surfing on it - checking mail, yes; surfing through multiple sites, no. So if I don't post anything on this blog for a couple of days, don't be surprised.

I miss my internet already.

UPDATE: my internet is back! Yay!!!!! At least it's here now :) I'm wondering if the problem is our modem or if it's something to do with the lines that their stuff didn't catch. I know we'd had problems before with the internet cutting out like that, but they'd never offered to send a new modem.

That etsy is some place

As you know, I list the items I make over on etsy. It's been an ok arrangement so far as I don't pay much to list and their take per sold item is low. I've whined about technical problems there before (they still don't have much in the way of testing before something goes live), but I'm quite disturbed at some things that have been happening lately.

I've always thought of the list of sold items list as a record of what I sold and a snapshot of the item's description/pictures at the time it was sold. I thought that this was a good way to keep track of how things change because it is something that wouldn't change - once an item is sold, it's been sold and the content of the page wouldn't change. Right? After all, if the page changed then I have no recourse if a customer says, "the listing says xxx." I thought that the sold items pages were pretty well inviolate.

Boy, am I wrong. Etsy admin have admitted to changing the content on sold items. There are some other issues surrounding the highest-publicized case, but if you want to read up on this, the information is here. They claim to have done this at least once for DMCA reasons, but that makes no sense to me; in changing the item without identifying that it has been changed, are they not deleting possible evidence? No, they don't add any text to indicate that the content was changed - there's no notice of that at all. I'm shocked and appalled. How could they think that the way they were doing this - let alone that they were doing this at all - was ok? They have a lawyer on staff; did they even consult her or did they just go ahead without thinking? Are they that stupid?

I've tolerated a LOT of technical issues at etsy because I know that they're a young company and they're cheap for me. But now - well, something is so wrong with this picture. Etsy admin are so far refusing to describe a process for doing something like this, probably because they don't have one. They do things in an ad-hoc way and are very, very reluctant to describe processes (they refused for a very long time to describe under what conditions a shop can be shut down due to a single buyer's complaint) so it wouldn't surprise me that they wouldn't have any kind of process in place for this.

It might be time to set something up somewhere else. Not that etsy would care if I left, but I don't know if I want to continue to support a company like this. I have some thinking to do.

Pattern grading fun

You know I've been buying vintage sewing patterns, right? I always have to adjust sewing patterns to fit me but these vintage patterns are almost never the right size even before adjustment. Most times, I can only find a pattern in one size anyways so I don't even try to find one that fits. Tha'ts because measurements were very different, back in the day; in particular, bust measurements were proportionally smaller than hip measurements (they're identical now) and waist measurements were proportionally bigger than they are now. Add to this the fact that every pattern company had different measurement systems and you can see how hard it would be to buy something vintage that came close to fitting.

So I end up having to grade the pattern pieces. Grading is easy if you already have at least two sizes of the same piece, because then you can just extend the pieces along the intersection points if you're only going up or down a size. Lately I've been working on that awesome bodice, and I'm having to grade it 8" up for my bust. That's a lot of change! I'm adding 2" to each of my bodice pieces and if I don't do it right, the design lines will be wrong.

The resource most vintage pattern-sellers point to is this one. It's not bad for one or two size grades. I tried its method with this pattern and then looked at what I had and said to myself, "how can I be increasing the bust by 8" and NOT be changing the length of the underarm seam?" I found a much better resource here - check out the quick reference guide! This one takes into account the fact that the length will change (and not just at the shoulder) and it grades at the shoulder as well.

Hopefully now I can get this stuff right. Yes, I know that in some ways it would be easier to take my measurements, draft a basic block including ease (I now know how to do that - and anyways, I know how much ease is included in this pattern), and do flat-pattern alterations to get what I want. But where's the fun in that? :)

Summer support groups

Today was the last Spirituality and Healing group for the summer. I'll miss the people in the group and the thoughts and ideas that we discuss there. I usually find this group quite comforting and I don't know what it'll be like, going a whole summer without it.

I didn't go to my young women's group last night because I didn't feel like going. As it turns out, the person with whom I don't get along was there and the meeting was "lively". I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that makes the meetings "lively". Whew!

Honestly, this meeting used to be useful, but I've felt lately that I'm just not getting enough out of it. I think part of the problem is that the group isn't talking about support issues; the faciliator asks a question like "what has been the best thing someone has done for you about your cancer?" or "where have you received most of your support over the last month?" and we all answer that question. I feel that these questions haven't been touching on what I consider to be the "real" issues around being a young woman with cancer. Yes, I want the group to be uplifting, but I do tire of trying to find positive examples for these questions. And I'm finding that I'm NOT talking about the things that are important to me.

I think that I might be more comfortable if each month we picked a subject - like sexuality, or dating after cancer, or being a parent with cancer, or physical changes, or menopausal symptoms, or frustration with the medical system, or mortality (our own or anyone else's), or chemo brain, or fatigue, or working, or insurance, or money, or any one of a number of other issues that affect young women with cancer - and took turns talking about our thoughts and feelings around that issue. Some subjects could even come up multiple times because there's so much too them. I guess if I were to go back to this group I should talk to the facilitator about this.

Too many patterns, nothing to do

I was trying to figure out which pattern(s) I should work on today. To do that, I put all of the vintage patterns I've bought together and looked at them. I looked at the patterns, then over at my fabric, and back to my patterns. Sometimes I'd pick up a pattern and look at the back and then I'd put it down again. I just couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I know that I have a few more patterns that will be arriving soon and I was sad that I might have to wait until one of those arrived before I could play with the patterns.

So I went back upstairs and surfed the internet for a while. After a while I decided that I would take one of the dress patterns that I love and modify it so that it'll look good on me. I'll use the top of this pattern and put a straight skirt on it instead of this flared skirt:



Honestly, I'd love to make the dress as shown, but a skirt that gathers in to the waist just makes me look like a chubby kid. I don't have either the height or the willowy waist to carry off the skirt volume. Still, I love the top and I think that it would look awesome on me, so I'll just change the skirt and hope I come up with something good.

Home again

I'm back in Ontario again. I really enjoyed spending time with my mom in Edmonton these past few days and miss her very much already.

I knew that planes could be delayed in the winter because of weather but it didn't occur to me that the same thing could happen in the summer. There were thunderstorms last night that delayed my flight out of Edmonton by about 40 minutes. That wasn't so bad... but there were more thunderstorms this morning when the plane got to Toronto. We circled for a while and then the pilot announced that we were going to Ottawa. I guess there wasn't enough fuel to continue circling, so we landed in Ottawa and stayed on the tarmac until we could be refueled. After refueling we went back to Toronto.

All in all, my 3 1/2 hour flight took 7 hours (not including transportation to and from the airports). I was very glad to get off the plane and back to Waterloo. I've slept almost all day but I'm still tired; I'm hoping to return to normal tomorrow.

Does this label fit?

We watched Snow Cake tonight, a movie that revolves around a highly verbal, high-functioning autistic woman whose daughter has just died. Sigourney Weaver is the autistic woman and she does a wonderful job. I highly recommend this movie because it's Canadian and it feels very realistic in its portrayal of the small town. Besides, it's a good story. :)

The movie is quite interesting. I'm not autistic and I don't have Asperger's but some of the things the autisitc character did and said were not so different from things that I say and do - or think about saying or doing. For example, the woman asks someone to leave because she didn't want him around. He asks if half an hour will be long enough and she tells him that she didn't know; all she knows is that right now she wants him out of there. That's so true!

I have also wanted to hide from people, as she does, and I dislike being touched, as she does. I have certainly felt inappropriate responses to situations even if I haven't behaved inappropriately. I have rituals (like reading before bed, or the way I currently eat breakfast) and I am upset when they are changed. I have behaviours that are not at all similar to hers as well (for example, I am not at all obsessive-compulsive), but I definitely have things in common with the autistic character.

This has left me wondering at what point a collection of thoughts and behaviours becomes a recognizable disorder. Does everyone have some of these thoughts or behaviours, and it's only when they're all or almost all present that the autistic spectrum label is affixed to that person? Are some behaviours more definitive or important when determining which label applies? Or am I just this side of autistic? I don't know. It's interesting to think about, though.

A very big day

Every six months or so, the hospital in which my dad died holds a memorial service for all those that have died in the previous six months or so. Today was the memorial service that included my dad, and my mom and I went.

They said a prayer, listed the names of those who had died, said some more prayers and comforting words, and sang a song. When my dad's name came up my tears started pouring. I started to really remember his final moments and various other important times with him and I cried and cried and cried. I pulled myself together for the next prayers but fell apart again during the song. I do feel much better about my dad's death than I did before I went, though. It's as though a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I felt free to express my grief and think my private thoughts amongst all the people who were doing the exact same thing. I understand now how very useful a memorial service is for the people left behind after someone dies.

I still miss my dad very much. Being in Edmonton, my memories of and feelings about him are so much stronger. I know that this time will pass but really I wish he could have lived longer.

Later on this afternoon, we celebrated my mom's birthday. Her birthday is on Monday but it was easier to celebrate today. We had a fun time; everyone talked and we ate yummy cake and had a nice time. I wish that my other sister and her family could have come but it's not possible for them to do that right now. I also wished that I could have seen my nephews but they had prior commitments. Still, it was good to get together to celebrate life after remembering someone who died. And I liked getting together with family because I don't get to do that very often.

It was a very big day today and I'm very tired - the kid inside me is more than happy to go to bed at bedtime.

I'm not good at buying on eBay

I love to shop; shopping is one of my favourite hobbies. And when I can shop for another hobby (like sewing or making jewelry), well, the fun just doesn't end. Lately I've been bidding on various patterns on eBay and I'm finding myself frustrated when I don't win the auctions.

The optimal strategy to getting what one wants on eBay is to wait until almost the last second and to scoop it up. I've lost a couple of bids because someone else has used this strategy. I know, I should remember when each auction is supposed to end and I should monitor my bids then. I'm not good at keeping track of that kind of thing and even if I were, the auction end time is not always convenient for me.

Personally, I don't find much of a thrill in the bidding and watching the price get higher, or copeting with another bidder. I get my shopping thrills by finding what I want - the search can be the best part, but I love it even more when I stumble across some perfect item in my price range - and then buying it. So instead of bidding on things, I really just want to "Buy it now". Unfortunately, most vintage pattern sellers don't offer this option and so I wind up annoyed by yet another lost purchase.

645 is .... not prime

Cube was on tonight on tv. I love that movie and it's been a while since I've seen it. The premise is that a group of characters find themselves in a maze of cubes, some of which are booby-trapped, and they try to find their way out. One of my favourite lines in the movie is "645 is .... not prime" because of course it's not prime; it ends in a 5 and so is divisible by 5. Anything divisible by 5 is not a prime number :) There are some other oddities in the details, and the acting isn't always perfect, but I find the the concept of the movie and some of the questions posed by it very interesting. It's worth a watch.

Edmonton is so gorgeous this time of year. The air is clean and crisp and it's light from about 5am to 11pm or so. Even though I'm tired and it's bedtime, it's hard for me to go to sleep when it's still light out. I remember going for walks in Edmonton around this time of night, or even a bit later, when I was younger - there's something about being out at dusk and during the nighttime and immersing myself in the stillness of the air that I love and miss. Tonight, though, I feel like a little kid who has to go to bed before the fun starts, even though the person sending me to bed is me and there's no fun being had by me later.

I'm not radioactive anymore

The tracer used in the bone scan I had on Monday can trigger security screening devices like those at airports. Because I knew I was flying today, I got a letter explaining that I'd had this tracer in case I set the device off.

I was kind of hoping that I'd set the device off - I thought it would be sort of cool to be that radioactive, in the way that I think it would be cool to be a superhero. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), I did NOT set the screening devices a-buzzing. From this I conclude that I'm not radioactive anymore.

In case you're wondering, I'm in Edmonton for a few days. I'm taking the redeye back Monday night and arrive back in Toronto Tuesday morning.

End of my scan-o-rama

I got a pleasant surprise at the CT scan today. Instead of having to drink the "tasty" barium drink for the abdominal CT scan, I only had to drink 1L of water over an hour. That was much tastier and easier on my empty tummy.

The CT scan went smoothly, because really they're just taking a few images and all of the readings and interpretations are done after. I ran into a couple of the people from my Spirituality and Healing group so we had a great time. I wonder what the other people in the waiting room were thinking when we were talking about the finer points of metastatic breast cancer. It isn't a conversation topic that can be heard in very many places, that's for sure.

I was very tired this morning because I'd over-caffeinated myself yesterday and didn't sleep well last night. Therefore, I had a two-hour nap this afternoon and am looking forward to sleeping soundly tonight.

I'll tell you, I'm glad that the scans are over for now. It can be hard to go through the scans because there's an underlying fear about what they're going to show. Now that the scans are over, I can put them out of my head until results day.

Bone scan day

The entire bone scan procedure takes a long time. First you're injected with a radioactive tracer that settles in your bones. Then you wait three hours, and then you lie still for about half an hour while a big "camera" goes over you and measures the radioactivity in the bones (areas with extra or not enough activity warrant further investigation). The entire process takes about four hours or so.

The radioactive tracer is excreted through the urine, so during your three-hour tour you have to drink a lot of liquids. They want you to pee a lot, too, so it's important to stick around someplace where you can do that.

I'd heard a story about a woman who ended up with a weird "spot" of the tracer on her thigh which ended up being caused by a splash-back incident. I asked the technician about this and she said that this sort of thing happens all the time; they'll either take extra scans or wash the affected spot (or both) to see what's going on. She said that it usually happens to men and that the spots usually appear on their scalps. She also said that the men didn't always clue in right away as to why the technician was washing their head when they were just having a bone scan.

The moral of that story is that if you need to have a bone scan, wash carefully and thoroughly. Every time. :)

Anyways, aside from the boredom, the scan went well. They took the extra sternal scans that they take and that was it. Funny, a lot of people feel warm as the camera sensor moves over them; I do feel that, but I also feel tingling as the camera is over each area. It's very strange and feels like things are rising from the bone through the skin up to the camera above.

Tomorrow is my CT scan. There's less time involved, but also less food and the "wonderful" barium drink.

Annual scan-a-thon brought to you by Indiana Jones

We saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull today. We both enjoyed it very much. It was a good Indiana Jones action movie. Sure, there were some plot holes and some strange CGI things, but it was a satisfying story to watch and experience. I'd recommend it, if you haven't seen it already.

This is scan-a-palooza week for me. My oncologist is scanning me once per year so that we can keep track of how "things" (like, my cancer) are going. Tomorrow I have a bone scan and then on Tuesday we'll get my tumour markers and do a CT scan from my neck to my pelvis. I decided not to do a brain scan because it's highly unlikely that my cancer will head for my brain before it heads for anything else.

One of the things I don't like about scans is that they happen early in the morning. I get my bone scan injection tomorrow at 8:15(!!) am with the scan itself following at 11:15am. On Tuesday I have blood drawn for the tumour markers at 9:30 with the CT scan prep at 10am and the CT scan itself at 11am. And I can't eat after 6am that day. Yeesh. I wish I could sleep in a bit for these as I'm still not good at getting up quite that early.

I won't get the results from these scans until I see my oncologist on June 24 (or possibly on June 12, when I see my family doctor, if he has the scan results and I ask for them - which I may not do). I'm not going to worry about the results until much later because there's no point doing that - the results will come soon enough and no amount of fretting or worrying will change a thing. Well, I can say that until the night of the 23rd, at which point I can almost guarantee that I'll be cranky and nervous because I get my results then :)

How much is too much bellydancing?

Four hours of bellydance in one day might be a bit too much! I did two workshops today and I'll tell you, my belly is a bit tired :) My undulations were pretty pathetic by the end of the afternoon. I learned a lot and enjoyed the workshops very much; I'm looking forward to the next class in both series.

This evening, Ian and I watched Diary of the Dead, a zombie movie by George Romero. It's one of those first-person video movies, so it has a couple of people with a camera filming what happens when suddenly the dead rise. There are some flaws with the plot (would all the people really disappear in a day or so?), and the acting wasn't always the best, but I liked that the ending was left unresolved. Yes, there are zombies, but we don't know what happens to our people. There was a bit of humour in the movie, too, especially with regard to the zombies being killed.

I was looking at patterns for sale this evening (this is something I do - surf the internet looking for patterns or fabric) and I came across this one:


What I love best about it is that it's really only two pieces, each cut on the fold. I love the way it looks as shown in the stripe. The back is vertically striped and the front diagonally striped. I like this pattern although it would be a pain to grade and alter for my height; it's also most likely unprinted, and I've never used an uncut, unprinted pattern before. I might also want to shorten the sleeves a bit. I'll think about bidding on it.

Me and my ego

I got the pattern grading adjustments done only to realize that I needed to grade only the bust up and not the waist. So I ended up having to take the waist back in, but I managed to do that while keeping the grainlines and design lines intact. Not bad. :)

As I was congratulating myself for figuring this out, I started on the skirt. The skirt as designed has two unpressed pleats/tucks in front that I wanted to turn into darts. You would think, with all my training, help from others (thanks, Mom!), research, and everything, I could do something like this. Don't forget that I was feeling pretty proud of myself... and here was this simple problem stumping me. For some reason I wanted to fold out the excess in the pleats and make them darts when the actual solution is to slash the pattern and overlap the correct amount (the darts will be shortened, of course).

I finished the pattern alterations feeling quite a bit more humble. :) Next up: cutting and sewing!

Coming down with something?

I had planned to get up around 10am today to get some pattern stuff done. Unfortunately, I didn't actually get up until 2pm and I felt icky when I did get up. My sinuses are full, my head hurts, lights are too bright and sounds too loud, and I feel really tired, light-headed, and sick. I suppose I could have allergies or a migraine or something, but I could also be coming down with a cold or flu or something instead. I hope it's only allergies. I've bought some sinus stuff, some advil liqui-gels in case it's a migraine, and some tylenol. One of those should help.

I'm working on the first vintage pattern - I'm able to grade the patterns up just fine, but I'm having trouble applying my height changes to the pattern. It has a kimono sleeve so the sleeve is cut in one with the bodice. Normally I take out 14mm at the half-way point of the armscye and 10mm out of the top of the sleeve cap (this change can be applied to the underarm seam if the sleeve cap is flat). Plus I need to move the shoulder point in by 1/2" - this matters because the bottom of the sleeve has buttons on it and the sleeve will be too long if I don't take the excess out of the shoulder.

So anyways, I'm not quite sure now to apply the above changes. I thought about taking out the horizontal 14mm and dropping the underarm by 4mm, but the shoulder change has me stumped. I think I can just take out the 1/2" on a line running from the top of the sleeve to the underarm seam. I'm not sure that this will give me the right results, though.

If you've done these kinds of pattern changes before or otherwise have an idea about how to make these changes, I'd love to hear about it. My thick head is having trouble figuring stuff out and it's getting overwhelmed easily by loud sounds or bright lights.

Now they want me back?

I had lunch with my work team today. It was interesting - it's nice to see people and talking to them gives me some insight into how things are going there. There have been some management changes and the department is reporting to someone new which will bring some changes.

Several people asked me to come back to work soon because they really need me. I've been gone two years, and they really need me now? Hmmm. How bad are things, exactly? Pretty bad, I think. The trouble is, if it's that bad there, how stressful would it be to go back? I love doing the type of work that I did there - I really, really, really do - but I don't know whether I can go back to that environment.

It's as though there's a lot of wall-building going on; people on that team have built walls around their sandbox and won't help anyone build their own sandbox, let alone walls around it. Moreover, when asked to do something, if it's outside their sandbox, they'll do exactly as they're told, without thinking for themselves, or they'll do it badly, or they'll do it late because they don't want to even know that there are other sandboxes. They keep their eyes down, looking at only their own sandboxes and toys.You know?

That sort of viewpoint was there when I left and it was a major source of stress for me then. The work I do on that team - the work the whole team does - is basically a service to other departments. I always felt that once my sandbox was built, I would build bridges to other sandboxes and help people build their own sandboxes, too. I also felt that I would look around and see if people could use help before their walls came down on top of mine (or their sandboxes got overrun by ants that would head to my sandbox) - in other words, before they're problems affected me.

Since my views on how to interact with the people outside the team were diametrically opposed to my manager's view, we had a number of conflicts (some degenerating into screaming matches - I'm not proud of responding that way, but there you are. I was extremely stressed). Those conflicts and having to conform to something that I strongly feel is a wrong approach is very stressful. I'm getting stressed even thinking about it!

Who knows, though.... maybe by the time I'm ready to work things will be different. And if not, well, hopefully there will be something else for me somewhere. It's a big company.

Patterns need fabric

I guess it's too soon to say that I'm ready to get up early every day. After the last few days of flurried activity on the bag, I crashed today and slept until almost 4pm. I was able to go to the gym this evening, at least, and I know that I'll be up early again tomorrow. I just couldn't do it today.

I've been looking at the vintage patterns I have and I'm looking forward to tracing them out and making them. I've already planned my first dress :) I've got a bunch of patterns coming in the mail, too - I've been compulsively checking the mailbox and walking away disappointed when the patterns aren't there.

I've also been looking at fabric on etsy.... I haven't bought any yet, but I suspect that I will eventually. As some of you know, I loooooove fabrics :) I've found that I have a bit of a weakness for Japanese textiles. I love these cute little robots, for example:



And this alphabet fabric (it's not Japanese, I don't think, but it's cool):



And this origami fabric (it is Japanese):



It's hard to resist the pull of these fabrics......

Done and done

I finished the bag and delivered it to its new owner! I was a little sad to see it go because I've been working on it so hard, especially for the last few days. I'm thrilled with the results, though! You can see pictures of it here.

The hardest part of making the bag was making sure that the pattern matched AND the measurements came out right. I found that the best thing to do was to hand-baste the critical seams together at the seamline, sew overtop the basting, and take the basting out. This also ensured that the seamlines were straight. I also used larger-than-usual seam allowances so that I could shift the pieces a little bit, if necessary.

For the next one, I need to remember that it always takes longer to finish the bag than I think it should. Once I had everything made, it took me two full days to finish and I thought it would take only a few hours. There's a big difference there :)

I'm very much looking forward to sewing for me starting tomorrow - I've been eying my patterns and fabrics longingly for quite a while.

BTW, we're watching The Andromeda Strain on A&E right now. I wish we had technology like they do in the miniseries - with the paper computers and the clear computer wall screens that users can touch to move or zoom in on. Cooooool.

The work never ends

The bag is almost done - I have to finish the last seam and make the shoulder pad. I could stay up late tonight but I'd rather be well-rested and do it tomorrow. It'll take less time.

I've been thinking a lot and I have decided that I'm going to go back to work in the fall, assuming that my scans next month come out fine. I've got a lot more energy and I'm finding myself less tired than I used to be, now that I'm mostly switched over to the Fentanyl. I figure that I would be easing into work anyway, but over the summer I'll practice getting up at a work-time (instead of between 10am and 2pm) and doing stuff. Like clean the house or do the dishes :)

Anyways, I'll make a final decision after I get my test results back at the end of June. I want to go back to work and the thought doesn't fill me with dread but a sort of excitement.

No show this weekend

I've decided that I'm not going to do the craft show this weekend. This is not just because I haven't finished the messenger bag :) I did contact the organizer and a vendor's permit is not strictly required but is strongly advised. So we'll see. I'm hoping to get out to the show, if only briefly, on Sunday to check things out. I'd like to get a feel for the show and the people in it before I make any firm commitments.

More fun and games

We got together with some other friends tonight for games. Well, we thought we'd get to play games (multiple) or else play a single game and leave early. As it happened, we played a very long game of Citadels and that was it. Funny, the site I linked to back there says that the game is about 60 minutes. I guess we're very slow because ours with 7 people took about three and a half hours. The game was still fun even though it was long. I would have liked to play another game as well, though - someone had an expansion pack for Bohnanza that looked interesting.

I saw my family doctor today and we're going to try and cut the oxycontin painkiller out altogether. I hope that I'm able to get off of the oxycontin; I'm down to a quarter of what I used to take and I'd like to not have to take it at all anymore. The thought that I might not be quite as tired by not taking the oxycontin thrills me :)

A lot packed into such a short day

Either I was tired before the Pamidronate or it knocked me out again, because I didn't get up until 2pm today. Oh well - sleep isn't a bad thing.

When I got up I went to look at my favourites on etsy and found that many of the patterns that I liked had been sold. I didn't know why that would have happened all of a sudden but when I checked the A Dress A Day blog it became clear. The sellers of those patterns are having a Buried Treasure sale and so people bought the patterns. Of course I didn't want all of the patterns I liked to be sold so I bought some :) I can't wait until they all arrive!!!

This evening Ian and I went to a games night with some people that he knows. We played Bohnanza and had a great time. I won the first game and came in tied for last on the second one. I hope to go again another time.

While at game night, an etsy seller invited me to be in a craft show. The next show is May 26 and is held about monthly after that. A table is $45. I was poking around and it seems that the focus of the show is reclaimed goods but that any crafter can apply. There is some jewelry there but none of it is like what I make, so I'd be bringing something new there. I think I need a vendor's permit and so I'd have to register Angelstuff.... am I ready for that? What do you think? Information on the show is here. Thanks for your thoughts :)

Sewing fun

Ian and I put up some shelves in my sewing room today. I'm thrilled! I'm going to use them to store the stuff that is currently in mountainous piles around my machines - like patterns, stuff I'm also working on, cutting things, extra pieces, and so on. We also put a light under the shelf above my cutting area and that will make things much, much easier when I'm working there. It can be hard to see otherwise. I'm looking forward to working there now :)

Unfortunately, my serger is behaving badly these days :( There's a thin needle-thing in the throat plate that I think is out of place. The lower looper thread is somehow putting additional tension on the outside straight stitch so that it skips and sometimes breaks. Once it breaks the threads get messed up. If I go slow and be careful and watch (and listen carefully - I can hear the thread doing something strange), I can use the serger. But once this bag is done, I'm going to take the serger in for service. I've had it for three years or so and it's never been serviced so it's past time.

I had my Pamidronate today and I used the emla cream and it made a HUGE difference!!! I had no pain when they accessed my port. Yay! I messed up, though; most of the port is underneath my scar (which is huge and not healed) and it's hard to access it if I'm lying flat, which I was. The nurse and I were talking and she cleaned the area to make it sterile when I put my finger on the port to show her how she could access it if I was sitting up a bit. I wasn't supposed to touch the area because I made it unsterile. Oooops. I won't do that again.

I'm feeling ok but a bit tired and so we took it easy tonight - except to put up the shelves and to tidy up the sewing room a tiny bit.

Right now, I'm lucky

The next paragraph reveals a vague generality (aka "spoiler") about one of the shows we watch that might be a spoiler. If you haven't watched tonight's Monday night tv yet, you might want to stop reading here.









Still with me? Ok. We watched a show on tv tonight that ended up with one of the characters dying. I don't want to be any more specific It caught me off guard and even though the person didn't die of cancer, the point was that the person did die. And I cried and cried and cried.

Watching the scene - touchingly done, with lots of realism and wisdom - brought back my grief for my dad and my friend that died earlier this year. Watching someone die always reminds me that I'm going to die, too. Right now I'm very lucky because things are going well, but the time will come when I'm not so lucky and I wind up dying. I don't want to die.

I hope that I stay very lucky for a long time to come. In the meantime, I'm trying to live my life the best I can. I know that sounds sort of silly :) I'd like to think that I'm sort of spiritually advanced and living a good life, and that I've accepted death and dying... but clearly that's not the case today.

One way to spend a cold, rainy, long weekend

Since almost everything is closed tomorrow we did some errands today. I have my Pamidronate infusion on Tuesday and they recommended that I use EMLA cream so it doesn't hurt so much. Anyways, I picked that up today; it's available over the counter and it costs $50 (gulp!).

After that we wandered around Home Depot for a while. We're looking at restructuring my sewing room so that we can find things more easily and so that it's more organized. We got a couple of shelves and a 16"x60" frameless mirror that I've been looking for. I have a smaller one but it's not long enough or wide enough.

And of course I'm still sewing. I did finish the front panel of the messenger bag, which is good news. Now onto the rest of the bag so that I can sew, sew, sew for myself!

This is the bag that never ends

You know, I've been working on this messenger bag and I wish I could say that it's going smoothly, but I seem to be recutting and redoing quite a lot of pieces.

I'm working on the front panel right now which has a hidden zippered pocket, a bellows pocket, and a topstitched zippered pocket. I've recut the panel itself twice: the first because the fabric I'm using is an uneven houndstooth (like an uneven plaid) and my first attempt was upside-down. I recut it the second time because I had put the hidden zippered pocket in the seam allowance of the bag. Silly me.

I also had to redo the topstitched zippered pocket once. The way it's constructed is to open up a zipper and sew each side on opposite sides of the fabric. The first time I did this, I managed to flip one of the zipper sides so that the teeth were upside-down on one side. Oops.

Did I mention that I had to redo the bellows pocket flap as well? Yes, I mismatched the houndstooth. Sigh. At least it's a small piece.

These are all silly errors and I don't quite know why I'm making them. Fortunately, I'm getting the final pieces right and the front panel is looking good. I'll tell you, though, I'm looking forward to finishing the front panel and moving on to the lining compartments. I'm hoping that the rest of the bag will be smoooooth sailing once all the fiddly pockets are done.

Thinking about old times

I got my patterns today!!! Now I want to sew them... but I have to hold off until I'm finished the messenger bag. I'm working on it and now I have a reason to finish it quickly.

We're watching the Final 24, a show airing on History; it's a show that about the last 24 hours of the life of celebrities who have died. Last week it was about Sid Vicious and this week is about John Belushi. The show mixes interviews with re-enactments and photos or videos of the star in order to try and explain why the star ended up like they did.

It can be hard for me to watch shows like this. Back in the day, for about three years 15 years ago, I had a weekend cocaine habit and so I find it difficult to watch these scenes where people do drugs. I find myself wanting the drugs again when I'm watching this; honestly, I never think about doing drugs any other time. I'm very happy that the drugs are out of my life and I know that I wouldn't go back to them - but just the same, I'm glad that I don't know anyone who does them. It's too easy to let the drugs take over like it did for those celebrities - and yeah, I think I'm strong, but I'd rather not put my strength to the test.

Trolls under the bridge

Over on the side there in the links is a link to one of my favourite blogs: A Dress A Day. I read it just about every day; the author writes about dresses and accesories and sewing. She's a lexicographer as her "real job" and she's written some books about words. I love reading her writing and I love that blog. Her "Secret Lives of Dresses" stories are well worth reading and I urge any of you interested in clothing to read them - personally, I think the best ones start at about the fourth or fifth story. The links are on the right side of her blog. Go! Or at least open a window/tab to save the reading for later.

Anyways, some troll recently posted in the comments accusing the blogger of being a shill for companies - that she's just writing to sell stuff. Yes, she posts links to products that she likes, but she's not encouraging anyone to buy anything. I guess trolls like that are part and parcel of the internet, but I wish they weren't. It's great that we can all read her blog, but why would people go and be trolls anyway?

A good young women's meeting

I got up today thinking that it was 2pm and of course I was sad because I thought I lost practically the whole day. When I looked more closely at the clock I realized that it was only noon and I had lots and lots of day left :)

My young women's support group was much better tonight than either of the last two meetings. Of course the person with whom I don't get along wasn't there which made it better. The atmosphere was also different tonight, and I'm not sure why that was. It could have been the baby - one of the members has a month-old baby and she brought it in tonight - but whatever the reason, I felt really good coming out of that meeting. I hope that this continues over the next few months :)

Prepared for the next Indiana Jones movie

In preparation for next week's opening of the fourth Indiana Jones movie, we got together with some people at Ian's work to watch the first three Indiana Jones movies. I remembered the first movie pretty clearly, the second one a little bit, and it seems that I'd never seen the third one at all. I liked it quite a lot as it's more similar to the first one in plot and structure, and it was pretty funny. I think I'm ready for the next movie now.

I hear that Harrison Ford did all of his own stunts for the fourth movie, just as he did for the first three (except when he was injured, of course), and that somehow the 20-year time difference in his age is explained. He's not pretending to be a young guy. Although thinking now, if he is in his 60s, then he was in his 30s when he shot those movies. He was pretty darn hot for someone who was that age! I wish I looked so good :)

My bellydance recital went well

Sorry I didn't write anything yesterday - a headache started yesterday afternoon and came back twice as hard after the Advil I took wore off. I went to bed at 8pm and I couldn't read or anything; all I could do was sleep until I got up at 3pm today.

I'm feeling mostly better, thanks. I still have a bit of a headache that comes (it's here now) and goes and I'm still very tired, but I'll be ok.

The bellydance recital went really well. I danced well enough, as did the people who were in my class, and many of the choreographies were interesting. I don't totally understand why one choreography was repeated twice, though. The funniest thing that happened was that the pink pailettes on my new pink hip scarf left pink on my stomach after I'd been wearing it for a while :) I had to go and scrub my belly off and then I applied some bronzer, which masked the pink. My head-jewelry left divots in my head, too :)

Just sitting around

We just finished watching the Across the River to Motor City mini-series. Yes, I know that it aired back around Christmas, but it takes a while for us to get around to watching things that we've recorded. Anyways, we both thought that it was quite good. There are several intertwining stories told in a series of flashbacks between the 60's and 2001, set in Detroit/Windsor. The first episode wasn't great but the series got a lot better with each episode.

I didn't want to do much today because tomorrow I've got my bellydance recital. It's sold out! I'm in one of the last choreographies, so I hope that people stick around to see me :)

Putting my foot in my mouth

So here I am bragging about how my sewing is getting better and it turns out that I'm exaggerating a bit. I'm working on a dress now and I've got the sleeves in and something is wrong. They're supposed to be a little poufy, but they wound up looking like mutton legs. Part of the problem is that the shoulders are about an inch and a half too wide but that's not all of it. I think the sleeves are too poufy for me. Sigh. I'll have to take the sleeves out and recut both the shoulders and sleeves.

After I finish this dress, I'm not going to work on more dresses until my new (vintage) patterns arrive. I do need to work on the messenger bag, but I also want to try using these other patterns before I do anything else.

As for fixing pants that have worn through: duct tape is one solution. However, a better one would be to get some denim that matches the colour and shade of the jeans as possible and then darn them (or zigzag, or drop the feed-dogs and move the patched area around, on a machine) in place. The patch will be a little bit noticeable but not as noticeable as duct tape :)

Yellow tulips

The people who lived in our place before us had planted some kinds of flowers in our front patch. For the last couple of years the only thing that showed up were big green floppy leaves. This year the conditions were just right and for the first time, we have gorgeous yellow tulips growing there. What a nice way to start the summer!

I must be getting better at sewing because I don't have to rip things out or redo them much anymore. It takes a lot less time to make something if I don't have to sew each seam at least twice :) It has taken a long, long time to get to this point and there are certain things that I can almost guarantee that I'll have trouble with - like collars. But I'm getting better at those, too, and over time I hope to improve even more.

I know that I've been obsessed with sewing and dresses (50s dresses..... sigh) but believe it or not, I have had a few ideas for some jewelry. Yes, really :) I haven't been making much of that lately, as I think you know. I'm hoping to get back to that, a bit, because I'd like to get the designs out of my head and constructed. Not that I've photographed or listed the last couple of pairs I made, of course, but that doesn't matter. The point is to get stuff made. :)

Celebrating great news!

There is no recurrence in my breast. Yay!!!! The pathology report showed that the core biopsies were composes of skin and fat but not breast tissue and so there is no recurrence. This is a huge relief and is definitely something to celebrate :) . Yippeeee!!!

And to celebrate, I got a pattern ready and cut it out. I might have mentioned that I have a 50s dress fetish/obsession going on right now? Well, I adjusted and cut out a regular shirtdress with an a-line skirt and unpressed pleats. And side pockets, of course :) I hope that it doesn't take too long to sew up.

I've found all sorts of vintage pattern sources online and I'm feeding my fetish by looking at them. If you know me, you know that it's hard for me to resist buying items related to my current obsession..... so I've just ordered two vintage dress patterns. This one is almost identical to a dress that I sketched for me, and I just had to buy the pattern when I found it! This other one is adorable - look at the button detail on the sleeves that matches the front placket. I can hardly wait to get them and make them up :) I'll have to grade both of the patterns up a size or two but I'm pretty sure I can do that, and if I run into trouble there are resources on the web.

I'm also bidding on this other vintage shirtdress pattern; we'll see if I win it. Cute, isn't it? Can't you see me wearing this during the summer? This pattern I have to grade down which is a bit easier :)

Now all we have to do is figure out how to manage my lack of endurance. Monisa is right in that I sleep a crazy amount the day after doing activities. If I can't get all the sleep I'd like to that first day, it builds up until I sleep WAAAAYYYYY too much one day - like yesterday, where I slept the whole day, or that Saturday that I lost. Would I sleep less if I was in better shape? And how do I get in better shape if an hour of bellydancing exhausts me?

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. sleep... and more sleep

I slept all day again today. Sigh. I know that some of you are probably jealous because I'm able to sleep all day, but I find it frustrating. I keep losing these days and they're not coming back... and I'm not losing them for anything really worthwhile except sleep. The worst part is that I'm still tired :(

I guess my body/mind needs that kind of sleep, but I don't like it. I have been sort of tired over the last couple of days but I wouldn't expect that that kind of tiredness would make me sleep all the live-long day. I do have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow to get the results of the core biopsies but I'd honestly forgotten about that until this evening, so I don't think that has anything to do with it.

My pain is well under control and I'm not taking nearly as much Oxycontin, especially at night, so I'd have thought that I'd be able to get better-quality sleep. I see my family doctor in a couple of weeks and I'll talk to him about this then. I want to sleep like a normal person.

Bellydance practice

I practiced my bellydance routine today. It turned out that I was a little off of the other two doing the choreography and so I have to make a couple of adjustments. I don't mind doing that as long as the choreography looks good. I'm going to wear my new pink top and hip scarf :)

The recital is on Mother's Day - this coming Sunday, from 2:30-4:30pm. I'm looking forward to it. The night before is the Funkabelly dance - I sort of want to go but I don't want to go by myself. We'll see. It might not be an idea to be out late with the recital the next day.

Spring is springing

There's a robin outside our window that's building a nest in one of the trees outside. It's fun to watch it bring each piece - first some paper, then some grass, and then some bits of string - and arrange it all to make a little nest. The paper is still flapping and in danger of blowing away! The cats next door will be very pleased if baby robins are born in the nest. They're indoor cats but I don't think that matters when it comes to cats chasing birds :)

I love watching the leaves come out, the flowers bloom, and now the bird making its nest. Even the colour of the light is different throughout the day as it's filtered through the budding trees (and very little pollution). Spring brings new life and renewal and that's why it's just about the best time of year for this reason, I think.

BTW I want to reassure you that while I do get sad about my dad sometimes, I'm not sad all the time. I've been pretty happy overall, in fact - but it is important for me to share the feelings I have about my dad and his passing.

Thinking of my dad

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and that's left me quite sad. We didn't talk often but I would try and email him occasionally... and maybe it's about time that I would have tried to talk to him because it's been a while since I last heard from him. I know that he would have got in touch with me about my tumour markers, too. But I can't talk to him for any reason because he's gone and that's leaves me sad. My eyes started welling up with tears while Ian and I were in the store looking at stuff; I was reminded of this past Christmas and how my parents got one thing because that's what my dad wanted... and I'm crying again just thinking about that :(

I don't want to forget my dad but I wish I could remember him without crying. I don't seem to be able to do that yet. I think that this is normal grieving but I didn't expect it to blindside me like it has over the last few days.

Iron man

We saw Iron man this afternoon. It's awesome! Yes, it's a comic book movie, but you don't need to know much about the comic to really enjoy the movie. There is a profound subtext in the movie about the responsibilities and containment of weapons technology. Of course there's the requisite good versus evil elements, but there's much more to the movie than that, too. There are some elements of the movie that require some suspension of disbelief, but it's a movie well worth watching.

If you do see it, stay right until the end of the credits. I'm not telling you what's there, but it's more than just the song titles, thank yous, and MPAA number :)

BTW I was just looking at the imdb full credits page for this movie and I see that many of the effects people have pages. Interesting - they aren't just faceless tech employees anymore. Nice.

Almost normal

I was up very early today as I had a dentist's appointment. My teeth are nice and shiny clean again :) I managed to stay awake until just after supper when I had to sleep for an hour or so; this tells me that I'm not quite ready for a normal life just yet.

Of course I may have been extra tired because I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up and I was thinking a lot about my dad so it was harder to get back to sleep. As well, I'm trying to reduce my Oxycontin intake and I think I'm running into withdrawl symptoms - woogly back and hot flashes - which wake me in the middle of the night.

So maybe I'll get to have a normal life if I can sleep like normal people. At least I got some stuff done during the day today. I'll tell you, the thought that my cancer has stabilized - which we won't know until I get my scan results at the end of June - is quite exciting. I'd like to think that if I really am stable and I can be normal, that I might work again. What an odd feeling.

Tumour marker results

I got my tumour marker results today, and I have good news: they dropped to 35.8! That's down from 46.2 the last time we did the markers some months ago. 30 is normal so it seems like mine are heading in that direction. That's great news :)

I'd guess that there's no recurrence in the breast since the markers are so low. If we could just get this fatigue under control, I could live a "normal" life again, maybe :)

Movies and taxes

Both Ian and I are preparing our tax returns, since they are due tomorrow. We've been filing as common-law partners because we are living common-law and people tell us that it's better for us. I don't know whether I believe that. Last year I remember that I got less back than I would have if I'd applied as a single person, and it seems that the same is true this year. Sigh. I'm going to have to pay $364 :(

We watched a new version of Macbeth, where the characters were drug lords in Australia and their groups instead of rival kings. It was really good! So much was said through actions and not words that it meant that the words made more sense than they usually do to me. The actions explained the words, and the dialogue and monologues came naturally, which doesn't seem to happen with other renditions of this play. I felt that I really understood the story and I very much enjoyed it. Be forewarned, though: this version is quite bloody; there are a lot of killings in Macbeth and they've thrown in a few more for good measure. But if you get a chance, see this movie.

Fitness evaluation today

I went for my fitness evaluation today. My fitness level is ok, based on the 5 minutes on the bike, and I have decent balance and range. I already knew that I was on the chubby side and so I wasn't that surprised to find out that my BMI was 30.9 or something. They did a body-fat test by measuring something on my arm, and it came back with 37.8% of me is composed of fat. I didn't expect my fat level to be that high.

After all these tests and stuff I talked to someone else who explained that I would achieve my goals more quickly if I hired a personal trainer. Of course that's true... but it's also expensive. I know a few people who have hired personal trainers and they toned up and lost weight quite quickly. If I could have one for free, I'd definitely go ahead and get myself a trainer.

The person kept dodging my questions about cost. After a while, she said that I could get 12 hours of personal training and pay $74/month for 8 months. That means that the personal training would be about $50/hour - a bit more than I can afford right now, given that I want to reduce my overall debt. The personal training rates are going up $10/hour as of Thursday so it's certainly better to buy it now, but I think I should wait until I can really afford it. In the meantime, I'll muddle around by myself, using the different exercises that they developed for me.

In other news, we bought tickets to see Radiohead on August 15. I'm very much looking forward to the concert; we both like Radiohead and so I hope we have a good time.

I see sewing in my future

It looks like the new messenger bag is going to be a go; the person is answering my replies, at least :) I'm happy about that, although I guess this means that I should have been sewing drum bags before. I'm ready to start sewing them tomorrow, though.

If this keeps up I'll start having nightmares about drowning in bags :)

I think that I'm able to decrease my oxycontin painkiller intake but I think that I may have tried to decrease the amount too quickly. I got woogly tonight, which is usually a sign of withdrawl. Sigh. I'll tell you, taking a lot of painkillers - even though I have to - is no fun. I don't like that I have both a physical tolerance and a physical addiction to the things. The doctors say to not worry about addiction in this case. At least I'm not craving more painkillers or any other drug, so I think that I'll be ok.

Lots of sewing but less for me

The core needle biopsy area is still sore, but at least it's stopped bleeding. I think it's slightly less red, too, which leaves me feeling quite relieved!

Someone is asking about a messenger bag from me and while I hadn't planned to do any bags like that for a while, well, I'm not going to turn anyone down, am I? I took pictures of the different outer fabrics and linings that I have. I'll edit them tomorrow and put them somewhere so that the person who's interested (as well as anyone else) can choose from them.

I've also planned to make some drum bags for the upcoming open house on May 4 at the bellydance studio. That way, people can buy them if they want to. That would also be a good day for my class to practice the choreography for the recital on May 11 :)

Of course I decided that I wanted to make a dress out of the fine cotton fabrics that I bought :) Some of them shrunk quite a bit in the prewash! I've got a pattern adjusted and I've decided on a layout; the actual sewing should be quite straightforward, I hope.

Core needle biopsy aftermath

The core biopsy didn't hurt yesterday, but oh my goodness it has been very sore today! It's swollen and tender to the touch and is definitely bruised. It also turns out that it had been bleeding last night and so I had to do extra laundry today.

I went out to the yarn store and bought a book on knitting with wire. I thought that was pretty cool :) I also bought some yarn that I'll stick in my stash of yarn-to-be-knit. That pile isn't nearly as big as the pile of fabric-to-be-sewn. That's good because I don't have the kind of space to store that much stuff.

Ian and I are both really tired and so it'll probably be a very early night. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow - I do want to get some more sewing done :)

An appointment day

The core biopsy I had this afternoon was quite uneventful. I told my surgeon, who did the biopsy, that I needed extra local freezing. He gave me an extra shot without even blinking, which I liked - some doctors argue about that, but he didn't. I asked him how many samples he was going to take and he told me that he'd take as many as he wanted :) He ended up taking eight samples.

After that I saw my family doctor and we're going to change my pain medications once again. I'm to up my fentanyl to 125 from 100 and see if I can drop my oxycontin. I hope I can :) I see my doctor for follow-up in about a month.

And what's a day of appointments without a little shopping? :) I'm currently obsessed with the idea of making myself a shirtwaist dress (shirt dress), with buttons down part or all of the front. I love the 50s styles like that but the retro styles in the pattern books usually have a big full skirt which is not so attractive on me (it makes me look shorter than I am). I found a couple of patterns that I can use to make the dress I see in my head, and I also found some other dress patterns.

I did buy fabric but only one length; it's cotton with stylized flowers on it. And I helped two different people find what they were looking for - one was a mom with her daughter and the other a grandma with her granddaughter. It was fun helping them figure stuff out :)

A whole day of non-sleeping!

I did end up joining the gym. It'll be $19.95/month forever with some restrictions: I can only go on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday; and I can't do the spinning classes. I can do almost all of the other classes, though. While being restricted to three days a week seems like a big disadvantage, I figure that it will be a bit easier to keep to a set schedule if I can't just put it off until tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going and working out again.

Remember that thickening in my breast where the results came back with nothing, but recommended further tests? Well, tomorrow my surgeon is doing a core needle biopsy of the area. He knows where it is and everything and so it shouldn't be a problem with him doing it. I don't expect any problems with the test, and hopefully the results will come back ok.

I was up quite early this morning because the surgeon's office called with tomorrow's appointment at 8:30am. I managed to stay awake all day - yay! Hopefully this means that the Pamidronate won't knock me out entirely :)

Pamidronate day

I had my Pamidronate infusion today. It went ok, although the nurse couldn't find the port on the first stick so she had to poke at it twice. Ouch. They say that it's not supposed to hurt, but I don't really see how that's possible; I guess I have wussy skin that is very susceptible to pain. They did draw blood for the tumour marker test and I checked and they're doing the right one this time :) I'll call next week for the results

The nurse suggested that I get some Emla cream and put that on an hour before the bloodwork appointment. It's available over the counter and it's supposed to numb the skin enough to make the port access pain-free. I hope it works!

I'm not quite as tired this time around; I'm still tired, but I shopped for a couple of hours while receiving the infusion and I was sewing afterwards. I didn't sleep this time like I have the last two times, so maybe I won't be as knocked out as before.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to look at a gym. They're offering $20/month for forever but with limited access: I would only be able to go Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays (or some other 3 days a week schedule) and I wouldn't be able to take all classes. That might work for me as I wouldn't go to the gym more than 3 days a week; the only question is which days I would be going. Anyways, I'm going to see what the gym has to offer and what other costs they have and stuff. We'll see. I've missed going to Well-fit (the 10 pounds I've gained since I left has something to do with that) but that place is too expensive.

Reading about bellydance costumes

As you might remember, I ordered some bellydance costuming books. They came today, a whole week early! All of the books are by Dawn Devine Brown and they cover everything from the technical aspects of making a costume to the design elements that emphasize or minimize things. I'm reading them all, cover to cover. Next I just need to design my own costume. So exciting!

For all that I have no compulsion to sew, I've been sewing a lot. I'm working on this great shirtdress right now out of a tan fabric with black embroidery and black tulle accents. I'm using black for the collar and sleeve bands and black buttons and the dress is coming together quite nicely. I actually managed to get the collar on properly!!!!

The way I did the collar was first to stay-stitch the neck and the clip the neck to the stay-stitching to make it fit around the collar curves. I add drops of Fray-check to the points, but since the seamline is outside the stay-stitching, it's unlikely that the fabric will ravel through on those points.

Tomorrow I get another Pamidronate infusion; I wonder how long it will knock me out this time?

At least I got to sew today

I managed to get a bunch of sewing today, which is what I'd planned to do yesterday. The weekend has not been a total loss :)

It's supposed to be nice tomorrow and I'm looking forward to getting out and doing something fun. I have my Pamidronate the next day and I don't know what I'll feel up to later in the week.

Ian is home from juggling - he's very, very tired but had a great time.

Where did Saturday go?

No, really. I didn't post last night because I didn't have a Saturday. I went to bed Friday night and got up about 15 minutes ago which means that I slept about 30 hours straight through. Except for the times that I woke up to roll over because my lower back, hips, knees, and ankles hurt (thank you, Femara) and the time I turned my alarm off. I really thought that when I turned the alarm off, I would get up in the afternoon on Saturday. That'll show me :)

I've been very tired for a couple of weeks now, since I did the bonspiel followed by the recital, and I think that I just haven't caught up with the sleep I needed. Hopefully I'm done with that kind of sleeping marathon for a while.

On my own for the weekend

Ian's off to Rochester to juggle for the weekend which means I'm on my own until Sunday afternoon. The only thing I have to do all weekend is the dishes and the rest of the time is my own. I actually got up early this morning to see Ian off and managed to stay awake all day. I entertained myself by sewing, surfing the internet, and watching tv.

I watched This is Spinal Tap while sewing this afternoon. Oh, that's a funny movie - how can you not laugh while watching the dwarves dance around the 18" high Stonehenge? :) Even thinking about that scene while writing this makes me giggle out loud, even when I'm by myself :)

I found this awesome site by Swarovski called Create Your Style. There are tons of user-uploaded design ideas using Swarovski products, and there are even instructions on how to do some of the basics in wire-work and beading. Even better, there's a place where you can design your own item using Swarovski products. The whole site is worth a look.

It's like summertime!

I love wearing new shoes! I wore one of my newest pairs today when I went to lunch with my friend and then my Spirituality and Healing group. Unfortunately, new shoes don't always love me :( I ended up with blisters on my heels and some pre-blisters on other parts of my feet. Oops. It's the price I sometimes have to pay for summer shoes :)

It's unseasonably hot here - it was over 20C today and is expected to be 24C tomorrow! Of course this is very welcome because I, for one, am tired of the cold and rain and snow. Hopefully the rain they're forecasting for the weekend won't show up.

Edited: the shoes I was wearing are Carmea by Nine West. The shoelace detail, together with the quilted satin and the suede, caught my eye. The other pair of shoes I bought are very similar to this pair by DKNY; there are some subtle patch placement differences but the shoe is essentially the same. It's super-comfortable and cute - and the sole says dkny all over the place.

Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping

Sorry there was no update yesterday - I was pretty tired and my back was very woogly. I couldn't even read my book and ended up sleeping until almost 4:30pm, or about 16 hours. I still wasn't feeling fully awake and so just watched tv this afternoon. Later I got up enough energy to do some sewing.

One thing I did yesterday was to buy some books on making bellydance costumes. They were very expensive on Amazon.ca (one was $65 which is what I paid for all 3!) so I bought them from Amazon.com. They're due to arrive around the beginning of May. I'm doing more and more bellydancing and thinking more about costumes, so I'd like to be able to some good ones. I can't afford the $500+ to buy a beaded costume that will need significant alterations anyways. So we'll see how things go once I have the books. :)

On my way to Mississauga

Shhhh.... can you hear it? The caCAW, caCAW, caCAW at the edge of your hearing? No? Well, I can hear it, but just barely - it's the call of the Winners store and it's loudest when you're near one.

As I was tonight. I'm dog-sitting in Mississauga tomorrow morning so headed there this evening. I had told Ian that I wouldn't be stopping at the Winners on the way to my destination, even though it is my favourite Winners. I meant it when I said it, too. Really.

But then as I got nearer and nearer I heard its caCAW call and thought, "well, I guess I could go in for only 15 or 20 minutes to look only at shoes." I have been looking for two specific pairs of shoes: one black ballet slipper with rounded toe and one that I can wear with pants to walk around in. I've told Ian about my hunt for these shoes before, so he knows that I've been looking for them.

I found both of those pairs of shoes tonight at Winners and both were on sale!!!!! I also found a couple of other pairs of shoes that were on sale that I could have bought but decided to pass up. In the end, I got exactly what I was looking for at a very inexpensive price - clearly, heeding the Winners' caCAW call pays off. I've learned my lesson: if I hear the caCAW call of the Winners store, I'm heading in. Don't try and stop me! :)

FunkaBelly fun

Last night some of the Haft Vadi students headed to Toronto for the FunkaBelly dance. It's a monthly party thrown by one of the instructors in Toronto and it's full of bellydance music, dancers, and fun. There are some performers and a nightful of dancing. I had a great time! I didn't love all of the music they played, but I definitely loved the performances and the opportunity to dance with and meet people that I had seen but didn't know.

I'd been really nervous about what to wear and ended up wearing one of my long, black, bellydance skirts and a black top that I love. I didn't bare my belly because I didn't feel like it but the top and skirt made me look really curvy. The theme of the party was "An Homage to Plumage" and I bought a red feather boa out of which I made bracelets and a choker. I also wore my usual bellydance scarf.

Some people looked really awesome!!! One woman had closely beaded a bellydance belt out of iridescent sequins and it looked really amazing. A friend of mine also sewed sequins onto a bra and it looked fabulous! I'm so proud of her :)

Oncology appointment today

We got to see my oncologist today. She had seen in the report from my surgeon that my dad had died and was very tender and nice, offering her condolences and stuff. I was touched by her compassion and humanity.

The funniest part of the visit was getting the results of my tumour markers. When I had my Pamidronate infusion changed for the port, the nurse I talked to said that the tumour marker blood draw (which was to be done later that week) would be included in the blood done on Pamidronate day. On that day, the nurse had no orders for the tumour markers, went back to check, and came back and said that we were doing some. So they did do a tumour marker test that day; the trouble is, it was the wrong test. I was tested for CA125 (an ovarian cancer test) instead of CA15-3 (my test). At least the CA125 came back normal, meaning I have no ovarian problems. That's good, because I have no ovaries :)

So, umm, we're going to re-do the tumour marker test this next week. I hope that we end up getting the right test done this time. :) I can call and ask for the results a week after the test; if they're ok, then the nurse will call me back with them and otherwise I'll hear from my oncologist herself.

In other news, the FISH test from the last biopsy came back negative meaning that my cancer is Her2neu negative. This is actually good news, because if the FISH test showed that I was Her2 positive then the cancer would be more aggressive.

The doctor found the thickening in the latest lumpectomy scar and said she hadn't had enough experience with that scar to know whether or not that there was a real thickening. She called my surgeon and they've decided that he's going to do a follow-up biopsy. My oncologist left a message on my answering machine saying that my surgeon's office would call and set up a different kind of biopsy - I assume that this means that I'll get a core biopsy instead of the fine needle one that he did before that gave no meaningful results.

I asked her what would happen if there was a recurrence in the breast and she said that the whole treatment would change. We could do a mastectomy - some recommend it, and some don't. I think that she also implied that I'd be off of the Femara and onto something else. Hopefully we won't have to make that kind of decision.

My oncologist is scheduling a CT scan of my entire chest, abdomen, and pelvic areas as well as a bone scan. We hope to have these done before I see my oncologist again in two months. We'll also re-do my tumour markers in a month.

Oh - one final thing..... I asked about the bruising over the catheter from the port-a-cath after curling. She said that I'm not to be doing any kind of really vigorous activity because that catheter can move. So if I want to curl in bonspiels, I need to skip (call) the games - something I've tried very hard not to do. And it means that I definitely can't paddle regularly on a dragonboat team. I think I'm ok to continue bellydancing and stuff as well as most of my other activities.

Overall it was a very productive 20 minutes. I really do like my oncologist and I'm so glad that I have her as my primary oncologist.

Almost semi-famous

The facilitator of last night's group took me aside today after my Spirituality and Healing group and told me that she was glad that I'd been there last night and had said the things I'd said to the person who was toxic. That person and I had two separate discussions where she had said something that offended me and I responded almost without thinking. I was touched and pleased that the facilitator recognized that it was hard for me and that being around that person was difficult. Therefore, I won't make a final decision about whether to go or not to the group until next month.

It turns out that my image is semi-famous here, too! At the Princess Twin, before movies start, they have slideshows. Apparently Hopespring has four slides that they are showing now and I'm in at least one of them. I think Ian might be in it, too. I'll have to go and see :)

Tonight we went out to see the Just for Laughs road show. I'm really glad I went because I've been feeling a bit down and I got to laugh a lot tonight. I don't know if laughter is the best medicine, but it certainly does help me feel better once I start laughing.

A change of group

I had my young women's support group today. I came out of it feeling sad and angry and I'm not sure that I really want to go back. I'm not getting anything out of it and I'm finding that I'm withdrawing while there in an effort to protect my inner self while there. So I don't know that I'm giving anything to the group, either.

These feelings have a lot to do with one particular person who has been attending the group this time and last month; I find her to be very overbearing. It feels like she sucks my energy out of me into her. I suspect that I'm much too sensitive to be around someone like that right now because I don't have much in the way of emotional protections up. As silly as it is to leave a group because of one person, well, I need to protect my self for a while. I definitely need a break from the group for a while until I'm stronger.

After the group I went to game night which was much, much better. I got to spend time around people who were friendly and having fun and we played fun games. I'm so glad that I went - I feel much better. We haven't been able to go for a long time and I hope we can go more often.

Me and my antidepressants

As I mentioned before, I'm taking antidepressants and I feel that they've totally changed my life. This entry expands on my history and why I think that. If you have questions, please ask them.

I've had episodes of major depression throughout my life: although I don't remember it, apparently my parents got called in to the school when I was in grade school because I had told them that I wanted to kill myself. I do remember wanting to run away and being depressed then, but not telling anyone that I wanted to actually kill myself. I think that was probably the first big episode of depression that I had - at least, it was the first one that was recognized by people around me. I suspect that I had been depressed a few years prior to that.

The worst episode I remember was when I lived in Markham about 10 years ago. I was drinking pretty heavily, which didn't help things, but I was also lonely and sad. There was a voice in me that said that I was ok but I couldn't listen to it and I didn't believe it; it was overridden by the other voice that said that I didn't belong, that the world would be better off without me. One night I sat at my kitchen table with razor blades in my hands and seriously contemplated killing myself. Eventually, I made the conscious decision to not commit suicide that night; a friend had told me before that if I thought I didn't have any reason to live, wait one day to commit suicide - one day won't matter, and who knows what could happen that day that might change my mind. After that I realized that things were not good, I was unhappy, and I decided to change my life. That's when I ended up making the decision to go back to university.

Later on, when I first went back to school after my first breast cancer diagnosis, I remember talking to a counselor about this and telling her that it was like there was this dark grey film over everything; that not even the colours were bright. She told me that I was clearly depressed - who wouldn't be? - but neither of us thought to suggest the antidepressants to me.

In between all of those times, I'd kind of gone up and down - sometimes I'd be sort of happy, but most of the time I'd be more depressed. The bad inner voice stayed sort of quiet, although the good inner voice didn't say much, either. Quite often I would scratch at my chest, arms, or legs when I was depressed and angry, which can be difficult to hide. I was definitely the freak in the corner after one of those episodes - but I already thought of myself that way, so it was ok, in a twisted sort of way.

Things got really bad after the mets diagnosis and once I'd had my ovaries out. , I finally talked to my doctor about the depression because I was experiencing one that was as deep as the one where I almost killed myself. It scared me because I didn't think that there was anything else that I could change - the last time, I could go to school and quit drinking and smoking and whatnot, but there wasn't anything like that that I could do this time.

And I really didn't want to commit suicide - my mets will take care of making sure I die young enough already - but I didn't know how to stop the bad voice that was telling me that it would be a good idea. It was the same voice that had told me before that the world would be better off without me, but it was much stronger this time. If you've heard that voice, you know it's scary, because it's you but it isn't you all at the same time, and it sounds so reasonable... and it can be seductive. Anyways, it scared me badly so I talked to my doctor and he put me on antidepressants.

Since then, things have been completely different. I can listen to my good inner voice; I know that the other one (the one that slinks along together with my depression) isn't right and that I am not weak, or dumb, or stupid, and I do know what I'm doing and that I'm good at what I do, and that I have a place in this world. Moreover, that bad inner voice is almost completely quiet. I had no idea how much that voice permeated my thoughts until it was gone.

I wish I'd thought to take the antidepressants before this - I wish I could have taken them at so many different points. I think my life might have been a little bit different anyways, what with the support groups and such, but I don't think that I could be the person I am right now without the antidepressants. At no point before I started taking them was I truly as content and happy as I am now.

If you do have episodes like I did, please try and get help - there are lots of antidepressants out there that can correct the chemistry that causes the depressions. Life really is better now, at least for me, and you all deserve good lives too.

More on the recital

I got some rest last night and feel MUCH better. I was able to go out to lunch with some friends, go and get more materials for drum bags, and go for a walk.

The bellydance recital was great; I'll be doing the same choreography on May 11 in that recital. There were a lot of different instructors and their students there, which was interesting. The atmosphere was quite a bit different from other recitals that I've attended; everything felt a bit colder. Most of the groups of students ignored the others. I was lucky and managed to talk (in passing, at least) with quite a few people. That was good, at least.

One of the best things was seeing all of the different styles of bellydance. There were little kids doing a simple choreography, an American Tribal group (there are different tribal schools out there, and the biggest studies something called American Tribal - apparently there's quite a bit of controversy there), some cabaret-type dances, and others.

I'm going to make another drum bag prototype for Wednesday. I need to change the one I made to be about an inch shorter and to have a pocket in front. They also want a bag for clay drums that has a half-inch padding throughout to protect the drum. I got the foam padding and some plain black broadcloth for these drum bags. The broadcloth is the same as is used with the quilted broadcloth that I'm using for the other drum bags.

Bellydance Recital

My recital went well today; I felt like I performed well. I saw a lot of different styles of dance, too, which was cool.

This is the second early day full of physical activity and I'm exhausted. I'm heading for bed (yes, at 7:30pm!) and I hope to have much more to say tomorrow.

Curling all day

We curled all day in a bonspiel; we ended up coming in second in our draw which was awesome! We all curled pretty well and the last game was so close that it could have gone either way. Needless to say, we're very tired. We did win 1L of maple syrup each plus another random prize so we came away ok. Hopefully I will be well-rested enough for my bellydance recital tomorrow.

Anti-depressants have made a HUGE difference in my life and I wish I'd found them earlier. I'll write more about that tomorrow, though, as I need sleep.

More on that inner voice

Thinking more of feeling inadequate.... I do have a voice of reason, but I'm not so advanced that it's there all the time. And it isn't necessarily a positive voice all the time; it's fairly unbiased and it tells me that I'm as good as I think I am, but I'm not always good, you know? I am good at some things and abysmal at other things, and I fall in between on others. I'm pretty good at the things that I do because I like doing them and doing something is the way to get better.

The funny thing about deep-seated fears is that they're ready to come out pretty well any time. In a new situation, I tend to feel more inadequate than usual and it takes me a while to pull out of that. It's this feeling that makes me feel shy in new situations or around new people. If it bothers me or I feel that it's limiting me, then I think of someone who has the characteristics I wish I had and pretend that I'm that person. The good thoughts usually follow.

And if the good thoughts aren't on their way, it's a sure bet that my antidepressants aren't working. I wish I'd known that antidepressants could make such a difference as I would have started taking them years ago.

What we fear

In my Spirituality and Healing group we're talking about accepting our feelings and selves for what they are. By doing this, we hope to achieve mindfulness and happiness. Anyways, one of the quotes we were looking at today said that people's deepest fear is not of being inadequate, but of being powerful. That we're afraid to shine our light upon those around us.

It is true that I've long held a fantasy where someone comes up to me and says, "we've been watching you. You're very special and we want to give you riches and make you all-powerful." But that doesn't really come from a deep-seated fear of my own power. No, one of my deepest fears is that I will be found inadequate - that I will be found out as someone who is not as good at things as I think I am. I don't think I'm alone in this fear, either.

Fortunately for me it doesn't come up too often as I have another voice that says that I'm exactly as good as I think I am :)

A fun shopping day

I got up early this morning to go to the Fabricland in Stratford. Vogue patterns are on sale for $5.99 and I wanted to go through some other discounted patterns and buttons. While I was there, I ran into the friend I went shopping with on Saturday and she helped me look through everything. I ended up getting a bunch of buttons, patterns, and trim on sale. We had a great time.

I took the drum bag to bellydancing today and construction-wise, it's fine. I need to shorten it by an inch, though, as it is a little long. And although the original specs were with no pocket, now I need to add a pocket that will hold a folded sheet of paper or two :) Also, there are some clay drums that are very fragile and break easily. They want bags that have 1/2" padding in them for those. The bellydance term is over for a couple of weeks and I'll have something ready when I go back.