Patterns need fabric

I guess it's too soon to say that I'm ready to get up early every day. After the last few days of flurried activity on the bag, I crashed today and slept until almost 4pm. I was able to go to the gym this evening, at least, and I know that I'll be up early again tomorrow. I just couldn't do it today.

I've been looking at the vintage patterns I have and I'm looking forward to tracing them out and making them. I've already planned my first dress :) I've got a bunch of patterns coming in the mail, too - I've been compulsively checking the mailbox and walking away disappointed when the patterns aren't there.

I've also been looking at fabric on etsy.... I haven't bought any yet, but I suspect that I will eventually. As some of you know, I loooooove fabrics :) I've found that I have a bit of a weakness for Japanese textiles. I love these cute little robots, for example:



And this alphabet fabric (it's not Japanese, I don't think, but it's cool):



And this origami fabric (it is Japanese):



It's hard to resist the pull of these fabrics......

Done and done

I finished the bag and delivered it to its new owner! I was a little sad to see it go because I've been working on it so hard, especially for the last few days. I'm thrilled with the results, though! You can see pictures of it here.

The hardest part of making the bag was making sure that the pattern matched AND the measurements came out right. I found that the best thing to do was to hand-baste the critical seams together at the seamline, sew overtop the basting, and take the basting out. This also ensured that the seamlines were straight. I also used larger-than-usual seam allowances so that I could shift the pieces a little bit, if necessary.

For the next one, I need to remember that it always takes longer to finish the bag than I think it should. Once I had everything made, it took me two full days to finish and I thought it would take only a few hours. There's a big difference there :)

I'm very much looking forward to sewing for me starting tomorrow - I've been eying my patterns and fabrics longingly for quite a while.

BTW, we're watching The Andromeda Strain on A&E right now. I wish we had technology like they do in the miniseries - with the paper computers and the clear computer wall screens that users can touch to move or zoom in on. Cooooool.

The work never ends

The bag is almost done - I have to finish the last seam and make the shoulder pad. I could stay up late tonight but I'd rather be well-rested and do it tomorrow. It'll take less time.

I've been thinking a lot and I have decided that I'm going to go back to work in the fall, assuming that my scans next month come out fine. I've got a lot more energy and I'm finding myself less tired than I used to be, now that I'm mostly switched over to the Fentanyl. I figure that I would be easing into work anyway, but over the summer I'll practice getting up at a work-time (instead of between 10am and 2pm) and doing stuff. Like clean the house or do the dishes :)

Anyways, I'll make a final decision after I get my test results back at the end of June. I want to go back to work and the thought doesn't fill me with dread but a sort of excitement.

No show this weekend

I've decided that I'm not going to do the craft show this weekend. This is not just because I haven't finished the messenger bag :) I did contact the organizer and a vendor's permit is not strictly required but is strongly advised. So we'll see. I'm hoping to get out to the show, if only briefly, on Sunday to check things out. I'd like to get a feel for the show and the people in it before I make any firm commitments.

More fun and games

We got together with some other friends tonight for games. Well, we thought we'd get to play games (multiple) or else play a single game and leave early. As it happened, we played a very long game of Citadels and that was it. Funny, the site I linked to back there says that the game is about 60 minutes. I guess we're very slow because ours with 7 people took about three and a half hours. The game was still fun even though it was long. I would have liked to play another game as well, though - someone had an expansion pack for Bohnanza that looked interesting.

I saw my family doctor today and we're going to try and cut the oxycontin painkiller out altogether. I hope that I'm able to get off of the oxycontin; I'm down to a quarter of what I used to take and I'd like to not have to take it at all anymore. The thought that I might not be quite as tired by not taking the oxycontin thrills me :)

A lot packed into such a short day

Either I was tired before the Pamidronate or it knocked me out again, because I didn't get up until 2pm today. Oh well - sleep isn't a bad thing.

When I got up I went to look at my favourites on etsy and found that many of the patterns that I liked had been sold. I didn't know why that would have happened all of a sudden but when I checked the A Dress A Day blog it became clear. The sellers of those patterns are having a Buried Treasure sale and so people bought the patterns. Of course I didn't want all of the patterns I liked to be sold so I bought some :) I can't wait until they all arrive!!!

This evening Ian and I went to a games night with some people that he knows. We played Bohnanza and had a great time. I won the first game and came in tied for last on the second one. I hope to go again another time.

While at game night, an etsy seller invited me to be in a craft show. The next show is May 26 and is held about monthly after that. A table is $45. I was poking around and it seems that the focus of the show is reclaimed goods but that any crafter can apply. There is some jewelry there but none of it is like what I make, so I'd be bringing something new there. I think I need a vendor's permit and so I'd have to register Angelstuff.... am I ready for that? What do you think? Information on the show is here. Thanks for your thoughts :)

Sewing fun

Ian and I put up some shelves in my sewing room today. I'm thrilled! I'm going to use them to store the stuff that is currently in mountainous piles around my machines - like patterns, stuff I'm also working on, cutting things, extra pieces, and so on. We also put a light under the shelf above my cutting area and that will make things much, much easier when I'm working there. It can be hard to see otherwise. I'm looking forward to working there now :)

Unfortunately, my serger is behaving badly these days :( There's a thin needle-thing in the throat plate that I think is out of place. The lower looper thread is somehow putting additional tension on the outside straight stitch so that it skips and sometimes breaks. Once it breaks the threads get messed up. If I go slow and be careful and watch (and listen carefully - I can hear the thread doing something strange), I can use the serger. But once this bag is done, I'm going to take the serger in for service. I've had it for three years or so and it's never been serviced so it's past time.

I had my Pamidronate today and I used the emla cream and it made a HUGE difference!!! I had no pain when they accessed my port. Yay! I messed up, though; most of the port is underneath my scar (which is huge and not healed) and it's hard to access it if I'm lying flat, which I was. The nurse and I were talking and she cleaned the area to make it sterile when I put my finger on the port to show her how she could access it if I was sitting up a bit. I wasn't supposed to touch the area because I made it unsterile. Oooops. I won't do that again.

I'm feeling ok but a bit tired and so we took it easy tonight - except to put up the shelves and to tidy up the sewing room a tiny bit.

Right now, I'm lucky

The next paragraph reveals a vague generality (aka "spoiler") about one of the shows we watch that might be a spoiler. If you haven't watched tonight's Monday night tv yet, you might want to stop reading here.









Still with me? Ok. We watched a show on tv tonight that ended up with one of the characters dying. I don't want to be any more specific It caught me off guard and even though the person didn't die of cancer, the point was that the person did die. And I cried and cried and cried.

Watching the scene - touchingly done, with lots of realism and wisdom - brought back my grief for my dad and my friend that died earlier this year. Watching someone die always reminds me that I'm going to die, too. Right now I'm very lucky because things are going well, but the time will come when I'm not so lucky and I wind up dying. I don't want to die.

I hope that I stay very lucky for a long time to come. In the meantime, I'm trying to live my life the best I can. I know that sounds sort of silly :) I'd like to think that I'm sort of spiritually advanced and living a good life, and that I've accepted death and dying... but clearly that's not the case today.

One way to spend a cold, rainy, long weekend

Since almost everything is closed tomorrow we did some errands today. I have my Pamidronate infusion on Tuesday and they recommended that I use EMLA cream so it doesn't hurt so much. Anyways, I picked that up today; it's available over the counter and it costs $50 (gulp!).

After that we wandered around Home Depot for a while. We're looking at restructuring my sewing room so that we can find things more easily and so that it's more organized. We got a couple of shelves and a 16"x60" frameless mirror that I've been looking for. I have a smaller one but it's not long enough or wide enough.

And of course I'm still sewing. I did finish the front panel of the messenger bag, which is good news. Now onto the rest of the bag so that I can sew, sew, sew for myself!

This is the bag that never ends

You know, I've been working on this messenger bag and I wish I could say that it's going smoothly, but I seem to be recutting and redoing quite a lot of pieces.

I'm working on the front panel right now which has a hidden zippered pocket, a bellows pocket, and a topstitched zippered pocket. I've recut the panel itself twice: the first because the fabric I'm using is an uneven houndstooth (like an uneven plaid) and my first attempt was upside-down. I recut it the second time because I had put the hidden zippered pocket in the seam allowance of the bag. Silly me.

I also had to redo the topstitched zippered pocket once. The way it's constructed is to open up a zipper and sew each side on opposite sides of the fabric. The first time I did this, I managed to flip one of the zipper sides so that the teeth were upside-down on one side. Oops.

Did I mention that I had to redo the bellows pocket flap as well? Yes, I mismatched the houndstooth. Sigh. At least it's a small piece.

These are all silly errors and I don't quite know why I'm making them. Fortunately, I'm getting the final pieces right and the front panel is looking good. I'll tell you, though, I'm looking forward to finishing the front panel and moving on to the lining compartments. I'm hoping that the rest of the bag will be smoooooth sailing once all the fiddly pockets are done.

Thinking about old times

I got my patterns today!!! Now I want to sew them... but I have to hold off until I'm finished the messenger bag. I'm working on it and now I have a reason to finish it quickly.

We're watching the Final 24, a show airing on History; it's a show that about the last 24 hours of the life of celebrities who have died. Last week it was about Sid Vicious and this week is about John Belushi. The show mixes interviews with re-enactments and photos or videos of the star in order to try and explain why the star ended up like they did.

It can be hard for me to watch shows like this. Back in the day, for about three years 15 years ago, I had a weekend cocaine habit and so I find it difficult to watch these scenes where people do drugs. I find myself wanting the drugs again when I'm watching this; honestly, I never think about doing drugs any other time. I'm very happy that the drugs are out of my life and I know that I wouldn't go back to them - but just the same, I'm glad that I don't know anyone who does them. It's too easy to let the drugs take over like it did for those celebrities - and yeah, I think I'm strong, but I'd rather not put my strength to the test.

Trolls under the bridge

Over on the side there in the links is a link to one of my favourite blogs: A Dress A Day. I read it just about every day; the author writes about dresses and accesories and sewing. She's a lexicographer as her "real job" and she's written some books about words. I love reading her writing and I love that blog. Her "Secret Lives of Dresses" stories are well worth reading and I urge any of you interested in clothing to read them - personally, I think the best ones start at about the fourth or fifth story. The links are on the right side of her blog. Go! Or at least open a window/tab to save the reading for later.

Anyways, some troll recently posted in the comments accusing the blogger of being a shill for companies - that she's just writing to sell stuff. Yes, she posts links to products that she likes, but she's not encouraging anyone to buy anything. I guess trolls like that are part and parcel of the internet, but I wish they weren't. It's great that we can all read her blog, but why would people go and be trolls anyway?

A good young women's meeting

I got up today thinking that it was 2pm and of course I was sad because I thought I lost practically the whole day. When I looked more closely at the clock I realized that it was only noon and I had lots and lots of day left :)

My young women's support group was much better tonight than either of the last two meetings. Of course the person with whom I don't get along wasn't there which made it better. The atmosphere was also different tonight, and I'm not sure why that was. It could have been the baby - one of the members has a month-old baby and she brought it in tonight - but whatever the reason, I felt really good coming out of that meeting. I hope that this continues over the next few months :)

Prepared for the next Indiana Jones movie

In preparation for next week's opening of the fourth Indiana Jones movie, we got together with some people at Ian's work to watch the first three Indiana Jones movies. I remembered the first movie pretty clearly, the second one a little bit, and it seems that I'd never seen the third one at all. I liked it quite a lot as it's more similar to the first one in plot and structure, and it was pretty funny. I think I'm ready for the next movie now.

I hear that Harrison Ford did all of his own stunts for the fourth movie, just as he did for the first three (except when he was injured, of course), and that somehow the 20-year time difference in his age is explained. He's not pretending to be a young guy. Although thinking now, if he is in his 60s, then he was in his 30s when he shot those movies. He was pretty darn hot for someone who was that age! I wish I looked so good :)

My bellydance recital went well

Sorry I didn't write anything yesterday - a headache started yesterday afternoon and came back twice as hard after the Advil I took wore off. I went to bed at 8pm and I couldn't read or anything; all I could do was sleep until I got up at 3pm today.

I'm feeling mostly better, thanks. I still have a bit of a headache that comes (it's here now) and goes and I'm still very tired, but I'll be ok.

The bellydance recital went really well. I danced well enough, as did the people who were in my class, and many of the choreographies were interesting. I don't totally understand why one choreography was repeated twice, though. The funniest thing that happened was that the pink pailettes on my new pink hip scarf left pink on my stomach after I'd been wearing it for a while :) I had to go and scrub my belly off and then I applied some bronzer, which masked the pink. My head-jewelry left divots in my head, too :)

Just sitting around

We just finished watching the Across the River to Motor City mini-series. Yes, I know that it aired back around Christmas, but it takes a while for us to get around to watching things that we've recorded. Anyways, we both thought that it was quite good. There are several intertwining stories told in a series of flashbacks between the 60's and 2001, set in Detroit/Windsor. The first episode wasn't great but the series got a lot better with each episode.

I didn't want to do much today because tomorrow I've got my bellydance recital. It's sold out! I'm in one of the last choreographies, so I hope that people stick around to see me :)

Putting my foot in my mouth

So here I am bragging about how my sewing is getting better and it turns out that I'm exaggerating a bit. I'm working on a dress now and I've got the sleeves in and something is wrong. They're supposed to be a little poufy, but they wound up looking like mutton legs. Part of the problem is that the shoulders are about an inch and a half too wide but that's not all of it. I think the sleeves are too poufy for me. Sigh. I'll have to take the sleeves out and recut both the shoulders and sleeves.

After I finish this dress, I'm not going to work on more dresses until my new (vintage) patterns arrive. I do need to work on the messenger bag, but I also want to try using these other patterns before I do anything else.

As for fixing pants that have worn through: duct tape is one solution. However, a better one would be to get some denim that matches the colour and shade of the jeans as possible and then darn them (or zigzag, or drop the feed-dogs and move the patched area around, on a machine) in place. The patch will be a little bit noticeable but not as noticeable as duct tape :)

Yellow tulips

The people who lived in our place before us had planted some kinds of flowers in our front patch. For the last couple of years the only thing that showed up were big green floppy leaves. This year the conditions were just right and for the first time, we have gorgeous yellow tulips growing there. What a nice way to start the summer!

I must be getting better at sewing because I don't have to rip things out or redo them much anymore. It takes a lot less time to make something if I don't have to sew each seam at least twice :) It has taken a long, long time to get to this point and there are certain things that I can almost guarantee that I'll have trouble with - like collars. But I'm getting better at those, too, and over time I hope to improve even more.

I know that I've been obsessed with sewing and dresses (50s dresses..... sigh) but believe it or not, I have had a few ideas for some jewelry. Yes, really :) I haven't been making much of that lately, as I think you know. I'm hoping to get back to that, a bit, because I'd like to get the designs out of my head and constructed. Not that I've photographed or listed the last couple of pairs I made, of course, but that doesn't matter. The point is to get stuff made. :)

Celebrating great news!

There is no recurrence in my breast. Yay!!!! The pathology report showed that the core biopsies were composes of skin and fat but not breast tissue and so there is no recurrence. This is a huge relief and is definitely something to celebrate :) . Yippeeee!!!

And to celebrate, I got a pattern ready and cut it out. I might have mentioned that I have a 50s dress fetish/obsession going on right now? Well, I adjusted and cut out a regular shirtdress with an a-line skirt and unpressed pleats. And side pockets, of course :) I hope that it doesn't take too long to sew up.

I've found all sorts of vintage pattern sources online and I'm feeding my fetish by looking at them. If you know me, you know that it's hard for me to resist buying items related to my current obsession..... so I've just ordered two vintage dress patterns. This one is almost identical to a dress that I sketched for me, and I just had to buy the pattern when I found it! This other one is adorable - look at the button detail on the sleeves that matches the front placket. I can hardly wait to get them and make them up :) I'll have to grade both of the patterns up a size or two but I'm pretty sure I can do that, and if I run into trouble there are resources on the web.

I'm also bidding on this other vintage shirtdress pattern; we'll see if I win it. Cute, isn't it? Can't you see me wearing this during the summer? This pattern I have to grade down which is a bit easier :)

Now all we have to do is figure out how to manage my lack of endurance. Monisa is right in that I sleep a crazy amount the day after doing activities. If I can't get all the sleep I'd like to that first day, it builds up until I sleep WAAAAYYYYY too much one day - like yesterday, where I slept the whole day, or that Saturday that I lost. Would I sleep less if I was in better shape? And how do I get in better shape if an hour of bellydancing exhausts me?

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. sleep... and more sleep

I slept all day again today. Sigh. I know that some of you are probably jealous because I'm able to sleep all day, but I find it frustrating. I keep losing these days and they're not coming back... and I'm not losing them for anything really worthwhile except sleep. The worst part is that I'm still tired :(

I guess my body/mind needs that kind of sleep, but I don't like it. I have been sort of tired over the last couple of days but I wouldn't expect that that kind of tiredness would make me sleep all the live-long day. I do have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow to get the results of the core biopsies but I'd honestly forgotten about that until this evening, so I don't think that has anything to do with it.

My pain is well under control and I'm not taking nearly as much Oxycontin, especially at night, so I'd have thought that I'd be able to get better-quality sleep. I see my family doctor in a couple of weeks and I'll talk to him about this then. I want to sleep like a normal person.

Bellydance practice

I practiced my bellydance routine today. It turned out that I was a little off of the other two doing the choreography and so I have to make a couple of adjustments. I don't mind doing that as long as the choreography looks good. I'm going to wear my new pink top and hip scarf :)

The recital is on Mother's Day - this coming Sunday, from 2:30-4:30pm. I'm looking forward to it. The night before is the Funkabelly dance - I sort of want to go but I don't want to go by myself. We'll see. It might not be an idea to be out late with the recital the next day.

Spring is springing

There's a robin outside our window that's building a nest in one of the trees outside. It's fun to watch it bring each piece - first some paper, then some grass, and then some bits of string - and arrange it all to make a little nest. The paper is still flapping and in danger of blowing away! The cats next door will be very pleased if baby robins are born in the nest. They're indoor cats but I don't think that matters when it comes to cats chasing birds :)

I love watching the leaves come out, the flowers bloom, and now the bird making its nest. Even the colour of the light is different throughout the day as it's filtered through the budding trees (and very little pollution). Spring brings new life and renewal and that's why it's just about the best time of year for this reason, I think.

BTW I want to reassure you that while I do get sad about my dad sometimes, I'm not sad all the time. I've been pretty happy overall, in fact - but it is important for me to share the feelings I have about my dad and his passing.

Thinking of my dad

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and that's left me quite sad. We didn't talk often but I would try and email him occasionally... and maybe it's about time that I would have tried to talk to him because it's been a while since I last heard from him. I know that he would have got in touch with me about my tumour markers, too. But I can't talk to him for any reason because he's gone and that's leaves me sad. My eyes started welling up with tears while Ian and I were in the store looking at stuff; I was reminded of this past Christmas and how my parents got one thing because that's what my dad wanted... and I'm crying again just thinking about that :(

I don't want to forget my dad but I wish I could remember him without crying. I don't seem to be able to do that yet. I think that this is normal grieving but I didn't expect it to blindside me like it has over the last few days.

Iron man

We saw Iron man this afternoon. It's awesome! Yes, it's a comic book movie, but you don't need to know much about the comic to really enjoy the movie. There is a profound subtext in the movie about the responsibilities and containment of weapons technology. Of course there's the requisite good versus evil elements, but there's much more to the movie than that, too. There are some elements of the movie that require some suspension of disbelief, but it's a movie well worth watching.

If you do see it, stay right until the end of the credits. I'm not telling you what's there, but it's more than just the song titles, thank yous, and MPAA number :)

BTW I was just looking at the imdb full credits page for this movie and I see that many of the effects people have pages. Interesting - they aren't just faceless tech employees anymore. Nice.

Almost normal

I was up very early today as I had a dentist's appointment. My teeth are nice and shiny clean again :) I managed to stay awake until just after supper when I had to sleep for an hour or so; this tells me that I'm not quite ready for a normal life just yet.

Of course I may have been extra tired because I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up and I was thinking a lot about my dad so it was harder to get back to sleep. As well, I'm trying to reduce my Oxycontin intake and I think I'm running into withdrawl symptoms - woogly back and hot flashes - which wake me in the middle of the night.

So maybe I'll get to have a normal life if I can sleep like normal people. At least I got some stuff done during the day today. I'll tell you, the thought that my cancer has stabilized - which we won't know until I get my scan results at the end of June - is quite exciting. I'd like to think that if I really am stable and I can be normal, that I might work again. What an odd feeling.

Tumour marker results

I got my tumour marker results today, and I have good news: they dropped to 35.8! That's down from 46.2 the last time we did the markers some months ago. 30 is normal so it seems like mine are heading in that direction. That's great news :)

I'd guess that there's no recurrence in the breast since the markers are so low. If we could just get this fatigue under control, I could live a "normal" life again, maybe :)

Movies and taxes

Both Ian and I are preparing our tax returns, since they are due tomorrow. We've been filing as common-law partners because we are living common-law and people tell us that it's better for us. I don't know whether I believe that. Last year I remember that I got less back than I would have if I'd applied as a single person, and it seems that the same is true this year. Sigh. I'm going to have to pay $364 :(

We watched a new version of Macbeth, where the characters were drug lords in Australia and their groups instead of rival kings. It was really good! So much was said through actions and not words that it meant that the words made more sense than they usually do to me. The actions explained the words, and the dialogue and monologues came naturally, which doesn't seem to happen with other renditions of this play. I felt that I really understood the story and I very much enjoyed it. Be forewarned, though: this version is quite bloody; there are a lot of killings in Macbeth and they've thrown in a few more for good measure. But if you get a chance, see this movie.

Fitness evaluation today

I went for my fitness evaluation today. My fitness level is ok, based on the 5 minutes on the bike, and I have decent balance and range. I already knew that I was on the chubby side and so I wasn't that surprised to find out that my BMI was 30.9 or something. They did a body-fat test by measuring something on my arm, and it came back with 37.8% of me is composed of fat. I didn't expect my fat level to be that high.

After all these tests and stuff I talked to someone else who explained that I would achieve my goals more quickly if I hired a personal trainer. Of course that's true... but it's also expensive. I know a few people who have hired personal trainers and they toned up and lost weight quite quickly. If I could have one for free, I'd definitely go ahead and get myself a trainer.

The person kept dodging my questions about cost. After a while, she said that I could get 12 hours of personal training and pay $74/month for 8 months. That means that the personal training would be about $50/hour - a bit more than I can afford right now, given that I want to reduce my overall debt. The personal training rates are going up $10/hour as of Thursday so it's certainly better to buy it now, but I think I should wait until I can really afford it. In the meantime, I'll muddle around by myself, using the different exercises that they developed for me.

In other news, we bought tickets to see Radiohead on August 15. I'm very much looking forward to the concert; we both like Radiohead and so I hope we have a good time.

I see sewing in my future

It looks like the new messenger bag is going to be a go; the person is answering my replies, at least :) I'm happy about that, although I guess this means that I should have been sewing drum bags before. I'm ready to start sewing them tomorrow, though.

If this keeps up I'll start having nightmares about drowning in bags :)

I think that I'm able to decrease my oxycontin painkiller intake but I think that I may have tried to decrease the amount too quickly. I got woogly tonight, which is usually a sign of withdrawl. Sigh. I'll tell you, taking a lot of painkillers - even though I have to - is no fun. I don't like that I have both a physical tolerance and a physical addiction to the things. The doctors say to not worry about addiction in this case. At least I'm not craving more painkillers or any other drug, so I think that I'll be ok.

Lots of sewing but less for me

The core needle biopsy area is still sore, but at least it's stopped bleeding. I think it's slightly less red, too, which leaves me feeling quite relieved!

Someone is asking about a messenger bag from me and while I hadn't planned to do any bags like that for a while, well, I'm not going to turn anyone down, am I? I took pictures of the different outer fabrics and linings that I have. I'll edit them tomorrow and put them somewhere so that the person who's interested (as well as anyone else) can choose from them.

I've also planned to make some drum bags for the upcoming open house on May 4 at the bellydance studio. That way, people can buy them if they want to. That would also be a good day for my class to practice the choreography for the recital on May 11 :)

Of course I decided that I wanted to make a dress out of the fine cotton fabrics that I bought :) Some of them shrunk quite a bit in the prewash! I've got a pattern adjusted and I've decided on a layout; the actual sewing should be quite straightforward, I hope.

Core needle biopsy aftermath

The core biopsy didn't hurt yesterday, but oh my goodness it has been very sore today! It's swollen and tender to the touch and is definitely bruised. It also turns out that it had been bleeding last night and so I had to do extra laundry today.

I went out to the yarn store and bought a book on knitting with wire. I thought that was pretty cool :) I also bought some yarn that I'll stick in my stash of yarn-to-be-knit. That pile isn't nearly as big as the pile of fabric-to-be-sewn. That's good because I don't have the kind of space to store that much stuff.

Ian and I are both really tired and so it'll probably be a very early night. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow - I do want to get some more sewing done :)

An appointment day

The core biopsy I had this afternoon was quite uneventful. I told my surgeon, who did the biopsy, that I needed extra local freezing. He gave me an extra shot without even blinking, which I liked - some doctors argue about that, but he didn't. I asked him how many samples he was going to take and he told me that he'd take as many as he wanted :) He ended up taking eight samples.

After that I saw my family doctor and we're going to change my pain medications once again. I'm to up my fentanyl to 125 from 100 and see if I can drop my oxycontin. I hope I can :) I see my doctor for follow-up in about a month.

And what's a day of appointments without a little shopping? :) I'm currently obsessed with the idea of making myself a shirtwaist dress (shirt dress), with buttons down part or all of the front. I love the 50s styles like that but the retro styles in the pattern books usually have a big full skirt which is not so attractive on me (it makes me look shorter than I am). I found a couple of patterns that I can use to make the dress I see in my head, and I also found some other dress patterns.

I did buy fabric but only one length; it's cotton with stylized flowers on it. And I helped two different people find what they were looking for - one was a mom with her daughter and the other a grandma with her granddaughter. It was fun helping them figure stuff out :)

A whole day of non-sleeping!

I did end up joining the gym. It'll be $19.95/month forever with some restrictions: I can only go on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday; and I can't do the spinning classes. I can do almost all of the other classes, though. While being restricted to three days a week seems like a big disadvantage, I figure that it will be a bit easier to keep to a set schedule if I can't just put it off until tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going and working out again.

Remember that thickening in my breast where the results came back with nothing, but recommended further tests? Well, tomorrow my surgeon is doing a core needle biopsy of the area. He knows where it is and everything and so it shouldn't be a problem with him doing it. I don't expect any problems with the test, and hopefully the results will come back ok.

I was up quite early this morning because the surgeon's office called with tomorrow's appointment at 8:30am. I managed to stay awake all day - yay! Hopefully this means that the Pamidronate won't knock me out entirely :)

Pamidronate day

I had my Pamidronate infusion today. It went ok, although the nurse couldn't find the port on the first stick so she had to poke at it twice. Ouch. They say that it's not supposed to hurt, but I don't really see how that's possible; I guess I have wussy skin that is very susceptible to pain. They did draw blood for the tumour marker test and I checked and they're doing the right one this time :) I'll call next week for the results

The nurse suggested that I get some Emla cream and put that on an hour before the bloodwork appointment. It's available over the counter and it's supposed to numb the skin enough to make the port access pain-free. I hope it works!

I'm not quite as tired this time around; I'm still tired, but I shopped for a couple of hours while receiving the infusion and I was sewing afterwards. I didn't sleep this time like I have the last two times, so maybe I won't be as knocked out as before.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to look at a gym. They're offering $20/month for forever but with limited access: I would only be able to go Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays (or some other 3 days a week schedule) and I wouldn't be able to take all classes. That might work for me as I wouldn't go to the gym more than 3 days a week; the only question is which days I would be going. Anyways, I'm going to see what the gym has to offer and what other costs they have and stuff. We'll see. I've missed going to Well-fit (the 10 pounds I've gained since I left has something to do with that) but that place is too expensive.

Reading about bellydance costumes

As you might remember, I ordered some bellydance costuming books. They came today, a whole week early! All of the books are by Dawn Devine Brown and they cover everything from the technical aspects of making a costume to the design elements that emphasize or minimize things. I'm reading them all, cover to cover. Next I just need to design my own costume. So exciting!

For all that I have no compulsion to sew, I've been sewing a lot. I'm working on this great shirtdress right now out of a tan fabric with black embroidery and black tulle accents. I'm using black for the collar and sleeve bands and black buttons and the dress is coming together quite nicely. I actually managed to get the collar on properly!!!!

The way I did the collar was first to stay-stitch the neck and the clip the neck to the stay-stitching to make it fit around the collar curves. I add drops of Fray-check to the points, but since the seamline is outside the stay-stitching, it's unlikely that the fabric will ravel through on those points.

Tomorrow I get another Pamidronate infusion; I wonder how long it will knock me out this time?

At least I got to sew today

I managed to get a bunch of sewing today, which is what I'd planned to do yesterday. The weekend has not been a total loss :)

It's supposed to be nice tomorrow and I'm looking forward to getting out and doing something fun. I have my Pamidronate the next day and I don't know what I'll feel up to later in the week.

Ian is home from juggling - he's very, very tired but had a great time.

Where did Saturday go?

No, really. I didn't post last night because I didn't have a Saturday. I went to bed Friday night and got up about 15 minutes ago which means that I slept about 30 hours straight through. Except for the times that I woke up to roll over because my lower back, hips, knees, and ankles hurt (thank you, Femara) and the time I turned my alarm off. I really thought that when I turned the alarm off, I would get up in the afternoon on Saturday. That'll show me :)

I've been very tired for a couple of weeks now, since I did the bonspiel followed by the recital, and I think that I just haven't caught up with the sleep I needed. Hopefully I'm done with that kind of sleeping marathon for a while.

On my own for the weekend

Ian's off to Rochester to juggle for the weekend which means I'm on my own until Sunday afternoon. The only thing I have to do all weekend is the dishes and the rest of the time is my own. I actually got up early this morning to see Ian off and managed to stay awake all day. I entertained myself by sewing, surfing the internet, and watching tv.

I watched This is Spinal Tap while sewing this afternoon. Oh, that's a funny movie - how can you not laugh while watching the dwarves dance around the 18" high Stonehenge? :) Even thinking about that scene while writing this makes me giggle out loud, even when I'm by myself :)

I found this awesome site by Swarovski called Create Your Style. There are tons of user-uploaded design ideas using Swarovski products, and there are even instructions on how to do some of the basics in wire-work and beading. Even better, there's a place where you can design your own item using Swarovski products. The whole site is worth a look.

It's like summertime!

I love wearing new shoes! I wore one of my newest pairs today when I went to lunch with my friend and then my Spirituality and Healing group. Unfortunately, new shoes don't always love me :( I ended up with blisters on my heels and some pre-blisters on other parts of my feet. Oops. It's the price I sometimes have to pay for summer shoes :)

It's unseasonably hot here - it was over 20C today and is expected to be 24C tomorrow! Of course this is very welcome because I, for one, am tired of the cold and rain and snow. Hopefully the rain they're forecasting for the weekend won't show up.

Edited: the shoes I was wearing are Carmea by Nine West. The shoelace detail, together with the quilted satin and the suede, caught my eye. The other pair of shoes I bought are very similar to this pair by DKNY; there are some subtle patch placement differences but the shoe is essentially the same. It's super-comfortable and cute - and the sole says dkny all over the place.

Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping

Sorry there was no update yesterday - I was pretty tired and my back was very woogly. I couldn't even read my book and ended up sleeping until almost 4:30pm, or about 16 hours. I still wasn't feeling fully awake and so just watched tv this afternoon. Later I got up enough energy to do some sewing.

One thing I did yesterday was to buy some books on making bellydance costumes. They were very expensive on Amazon.ca (one was $65 which is what I paid for all 3!) so I bought them from Amazon.com. They're due to arrive around the beginning of May. I'm doing more and more bellydancing and thinking more about costumes, so I'd like to be able to some good ones. I can't afford the $500+ to buy a beaded costume that will need significant alterations anyways. So we'll see how things go once I have the books. :)

On my way to Mississauga

Shhhh.... can you hear it? The caCAW, caCAW, caCAW at the edge of your hearing? No? Well, I can hear it, but just barely - it's the call of the Winners store and it's loudest when you're near one.

As I was tonight. I'm dog-sitting in Mississauga tomorrow morning so headed there this evening. I had told Ian that I wouldn't be stopping at the Winners on the way to my destination, even though it is my favourite Winners. I meant it when I said it, too. Really.

But then as I got nearer and nearer I heard its caCAW call and thought, "well, I guess I could go in for only 15 or 20 minutes to look only at shoes." I have been looking for two specific pairs of shoes: one black ballet slipper with rounded toe and one that I can wear with pants to walk around in. I've told Ian about my hunt for these shoes before, so he knows that I've been looking for them.

I found both of those pairs of shoes tonight at Winners and both were on sale!!!!! I also found a couple of other pairs of shoes that were on sale that I could have bought but decided to pass up. In the end, I got exactly what I was looking for at a very inexpensive price - clearly, heeding the Winners' caCAW call pays off. I've learned my lesson: if I hear the caCAW call of the Winners store, I'm heading in. Don't try and stop me! :)

FunkaBelly fun

Last night some of the Haft Vadi students headed to Toronto for the FunkaBelly dance. It's a monthly party thrown by one of the instructors in Toronto and it's full of bellydance music, dancers, and fun. There are some performers and a nightful of dancing. I had a great time! I didn't love all of the music they played, but I definitely loved the performances and the opportunity to dance with and meet people that I had seen but didn't know.

I'd been really nervous about what to wear and ended up wearing one of my long, black, bellydance skirts and a black top that I love. I didn't bare my belly because I didn't feel like it but the top and skirt made me look really curvy. The theme of the party was "An Homage to Plumage" and I bought a red feather boa out of which I made bracelets and a choker. I also wore my usual bellydance scarf.

Some people looked really awesome!!! One woman had closely beaded a bellydance belt out of iridescent sequins and it looked really amazing. A friend of mine also sewed sequins onto a bra and it looked fabulous! I'm so proud of her :)

Oncology appointment today

We got to see my oncologist today. She had seen in the report from my surgeon that my dad had died and was very tender and nice, offering her condolences and stuff. I was touched by her compassion and humanity.

The funniest part of the visit was getting the results of my tumour markers. When I had my Pamidronate infusion changed for the port, the nurse I talked to said that the tumour marker blood draw (which was to be done later that week) would be included in the blood done on Pamidronate day. On that day, the nurse had no orders for the tumour markers, went back to check, and came back and said that we were doing some. So they did do a tumour marker test that day; the trouble is, it was the wrong test. I was tested for CA125 (an ovarian cancer test) instead of CA15-3 (my test). At least the CA125 came back normal, meaning I have no ovarian problems. That's good, because I have no ovaries :)

So, umm, we're going to re-do the tumour marker test this next week. I hope that we end up getting the right test done this time. :) I can call and ask for the results a week after the test; if they're ok, then the nurse will call me back with them and otherwise I'll hear from my oncologist herself.

In other news, the FISH test from the last biopsy came back negative meaning that my cancer is Her2neu negative. This is actually good news, because if the FISH test showed that I was Her2 positive then the cancer would be more aggressive.

The doctor found the thickening in the latest lumpectomy scar and said she hadn't had enough experience with that scar to know whether or not that there was a real thickening. She called my surgeon and they've decided that he's going to do a follow-up biopsy. My oncologist left a message on my answering machine saying that my surgeon's office would call and set up a different kind of biopsy - I assume that this means that I'll get a core biopsy instead of the fine needle one that he did before that gave no meaningful results.

I asked her what would happen if there was a recurrence in the breast and she said that the whole treatment would change. We could do a mastectomy - some recommend it, and some don't. I think that she also implied that I'd be off of the Femara and onto something else. Hopefully we won't have to make that kind of decision.

My oncologist is scheduling a CT scan of my entire chest, abdomen, and pelvic areas as well as a bone scan. We hope to have these done before I see my oncologist again in two months. We'll also re-do my tumour markers in a month.

Oh - one final thing..... I asked about the bruising over the catheter from the port-a-cath after curling. She said that I'm not to be doing any kind of really vigorous activity because that catheter can move. So if I want to curl in bonspiels, I need to skip (call) the games - something I've tried very hard not to do. And it means that I definitely can't paddle regularly on a dragonboat team. I think I'm ok to continue bellydancing and stuff as well as most of my other activities.

Overall it was a very productive 20 minutes. I really do like my oncologist and I'm so glad that I have her as my primary oncologist.

Almost semi-famous

The facilitator of last night's group took me aside today after my Spirituality and Healing group and told me that she was glad that I'd been there last night and had said the things I'd said to the person who was toxic. That person and I had two separate discussions where she had said something that offended me and I responded almost without thinking. I was touched and pleased that the facilitator recognized that it was hard for me and that being around that person was difficult. Therefore, I won't make a final decision about whether to go or not to the group until next month.

It turns out that my image is semi-famous here, too! At the Princess Twin, before movies start, they have slideshows. Apparently Hopespring has four slides that they are showing now and I'm in at least one of them. I think Ian might be in it, too. I'll have to go and see :)

Tonight we went out to see the Just for Laughs road show. I'm really glad I went because I've been feeling a bit down and I got to laugh a lot tonight. I don't know if laughter is the best medicine, but it certainly does help me feel better once I start laughing.

A change of group

I had my young women's support group today. I came out of it feeling sad and angry and I'm not sure that I really want to go back. I'm not getting anything out of it and I'm finding that I'm withdrawing while there in an effort to protect my inner self while there. So I don't know that I'm giving anything to the group, either.

These feelings have a lot to do with one particular person who has been attending the group this time and last month; I find her to be very overbearing. It feels like she sucks my energy out of me into her. I suspect that I'm much too sensitive to be around someone like that right now because I don't have much in the way of emotional protections up. As silly as it is to leave a group because of one person, well, I need to protect my self for a while. I definitely need a break from the group for a while until I'm stronger.

After the group I went to game night which was much, much better. I got to spend time around people who were friendly and having fun and we played fun games. I'm so glad that I went - I feel much better. We haven't been able to go for a long time and I hope we can go more often.

Me and my antidepressants

As I mentioned before, I'm taking antidepressants and I feel that they've totally changed my life. This entry expands on my history and why I think that. If you have questions, please ask them.

I've had episodes of major depression throughout my life: although I don't remember it, apparently my parents got called in to the school when I was in grade school because I had told them that I wanted to kill myself. I do remember wanting to run away and being depressed then, but not telling anyone that I wanted to actually kill myself. I think that was probably the first big episode of depression that I had - at least, it was the first one that was recognized by people around me. I suspect that I had been depressed a few years prior to that.

The worst episode I remember was when I lived in Markham about 10 years ago. I was drinking pretty heavily, which didn't help things, but I was also lonely and sad. There was a voice in me that said that I was ok but I couldn't listen to it and I didn't believe it; it was overridden by the other voice that said that I didn't belong, that the world would be better off without me. One night I sat at my kitchen table with razor blades in my hands and seriously contemplated killing myself. Eventually, I made the conscious decision to not commit suicide that night; a friend had told me before that if I thought I didn't have any reason to live, wait one day to commit suicide - one day won't matter, and who knows what could happen that day that might change my mind. After that I realized that things were not good, I was unhappy, and I decided to change my life. That's when I ended up making the decision to go back to university.

Later on, when I first went back to school after my first breast cancer diagnosis, I remember talking to a counselor about this and telling her that it was like there was this dark grey film over everything; that not even the colours were bright. She told me that I was clearly depressed - who wouldn't be? - but neither of us thought to suggest the antidepressants to me.

In between all of those times, I'd kind of gone up and down - sometimes I'd be sort of happy, but most of the time I'd be more depressed. The bad inner voice stayed sort of quiet, although the good inner voice didn't say much, either. Quite often I would scratch at my chest, arms, or legs when I was depressed and angry, which can be difficult to hide. I was definitely the freak in the corner after one of those episodes - but I already thought of myself that way, so it was ok, in a twisted sort of way.

Things got really bad after the mets diagnosis and once I'd had my ovaries out. , I finally talked to my doctor about the depression because I was experiencing one that was as deep as the one where I almost killed myself. It scared me because I didn't think that there was anything else that I could change - the last time, I could go to school and quit drinking and smoking and whatnot, but there wasn't anything like that that I could do this time.

And I really didn't want to commit suicide - my mets will take care of making sure I die young enough already - but I didn't know how to stop the bad voice that was telling me that it would be a good idea. It was the same voice that had told me before that the world would be better off without me, but it was much stronger this time. If you've heard that voice, you know it's scary, because it's you but it isn't you all at the same time, and it sounds so reasonable... and it can be seductive. Anyways, it scared me badly so I talked to my doctor and he put me on antidepressants.

Since then, things have been completely different. I can listen to my good inner voice; I know that the other one (the one that slinks along together with my depression) isn't right and that I am not weak, or dumb, or stupid, and I do know what I'm doing and that I'm good at what I do, and that I have a place in this world. Moreover, that bad inner voice is almost completely quiet. I had no idea how much that voice permeated my thoughts until it was gone.

I wish I'd thought to take the antidepressants before this - I wish I could have taken them at so many different points. I think my life might have been a little bit different anyways, what with the support groups and such, but I don't think that I could be the person I am right now without the antidepressants. At no point before I started taking them was I truly as content and happy as I am now.

If you do have episodes like I did, please try and get help - there are lots of antidepressants out there that can correct the chemistry that causes the depressions. Life really is better now, at least for me, and you all deserve good lives too.

More on the recital

I got some rest last night and feel MUCH better. I was able to go out to lunch with some friends, go and get more materials for drum bags, and go for a walk.

The bellydance recital was great; I'll be doing the same choreography on May 11 in that recital. There were a lot of different instructors and their students there, which was interesting. The atmosphere was quite a bit different from other recitals that I've attended; everything felt a bit colder. Most of the groups of students ignored the others. I was lucky and managed to talk (in passing, at least) with quite a few people. That was good, at least.

One of the best things was seeing all of the different styles of bellydance. There were little kids doing a simple choreography, an American Tribal group (there are different tribal schools out there, and the biggest studies something called American Tribal - apparently there's quite a bit of controversy there), some cabaret-type dances, and others.

I'm going to make another drum bag prototype for Wednesday. I need to change the one I made to be about an inch shorter and to have a pocket in front. They also want a bag for clay drums that has a half-inch padding throughout to protect the drum. I got the foam padding and some plain black broadcloth for these drum bags. The broadcloth is the same as is used with the quilted broadcloth that I'm using for the other drum bags.

Bellydance Recital

My recital went well today; I felt like I performed well. I saw a lot of different styles of dance, too, which was cool.

This is the second early day full of physical activity and I'm exhausted. I'm heading for bed (yes, at 7:30pm!) and I hope to have much more to say tomorrow.

Curling all day

We curled all day in a bonspiel; we ended up coming in second in our draw which was awesome! We all curled pretty well and the last game was so close that it could have gone either way. Needless to say, we're very tired. We did win 1L of maple syrup each plus another random prize so we came away ok. Hopefully I will be well-rested enough for my bellydance recital tomorrow.

Anti-depressants have made a HUGE difference in my life and I wish I'd found them earlier. I'll write more about that tomorrow, though, as I need sleep.

More on that inner voice

Thinking more of feeling inadequate.... I do have a voice of reason, but I'm not so advanced that it's there all the time. And it isn't necessarily a positive voice all the time; it's fairly unbiased and it tells me that I'm as good as I think I am, but I'm not always good, you know? I am good at some things and abysmal at other things, and I fall in between on others. I'm pretty good at the things that I do because I like doing them and doing something is the way to get better.

The funny thing about deep-seated fears is that they're ready to come out pretty well any time. In a new situation, I tend to feel more inadequate than usual and it takes me a while to pull out of that. It's this feeling that makes me feel shy in new situations or around new people. If it bothers me or I feel that it's limiting me, then I think of someone who has the characteristics I wish I had and pretend that I'm that person. The good thoughts usually follow.

And if the good thoughts aren't on their way, it's a sure bet that my antidepressants aren't working. I wish I'd known that antidepressants could make such a difference as I would have started taking them years ago.

What we fear

In my Spirituality and Healing group we're talking about accepting our feelings and selves for what they are. By doing this, we hope to achieve mindfulness and happiness. Anyways, one of the quotes we were looking at today said that people's deepest fear is not of being inadequate, but of being powerful. That we're afraid to shine our light upon those around us.

It is true that I've long held a fantasy where someone comes up to me and says, "we've been watching you. You're very special and we want to give you riches and make you all-powerful." But that doesn't really come from a deep-seated fear of my own power. No, one of my deepest fears is that I will be found inadequate - that I will be found out as someone who is not as good at things as I think I am. I don't think I'm alone in this fear, either.

Fortunately for me it doesn't come up too often as I have another voice that says that I'm exactly as good as I think I am :)

A fun shopping day

I got up early this morning to go to the Fabricland in Stratford. Vogue patterns are on sale for $5.99 and I wanted to go through some other discounted patterns and buttons. While I was there, I ran into the friend I went shopping with on Saturday and she helped me look through everything. I ended up getting a bunch of buttons, patterns, and trim on sale. We had a great time.

I took the drum bag to bellydancing today and construction-wise, it's fine. I need to shorten it by an inch, though, as it is a little long. And although the original specs were with no pocket, now I need to add a pocket that will hold a folded sheet of paper or two :) Also, there are some clay drums that are very fragile and break easily. They want bags that have 1/2" padding in them for those. The bellydance term is over for a couple of weeks and I'll have something ready when I go back.

Finished a drum bag

I finished the drum bag prototype for the bellydance studio today. I'd been meaning to do it but then wanted to sew only for me. Over the last few weeks I've had some ideas in my head and I was finally able to get it done. It's made of black quilted cotton broadcloth with piping and straps.

The bag is smaller at the bottom than the top, to accommodate the shape of the drum. For my first pattern, I just took the extra off at one end of each side of a rectangle to form a trapezoid... but then I realized that this wouldn't work because the seams wouldn't meet at right angles. The way to draft the pattern is to start with a big rectangle and then fold small, evenly-spaced darts out of one side to make an arch-shaped piece. This was perfect.

Then I realized that I'd included too much ease and had to trim it down a bit. Fortunately that wasn't too hard. I'm quite pleased with the bag, overall; I've serged and top-stitched my seams for strength and attractiveness. And now that I know how to make the bag, it would only take a couple of hours at most to make another one.

Hopefully it will be the right size and design and the studio will like them. If I were to sell ones like this myself, I'd probably sell it for $25. If the studio wants to sell them, I'll sell them for less (bulk orders get a discount, of course :)

Happy Birthday to Me

Yep, it's my birthday, and I'm not even afraid to tell you that I'm 39 today. I had received a lot of birthday wishes by the time I checked my email and facebook and I was quite touched and pleased by that. Thanks, everyone :)

My birthday is a good time for me to think about where I'm going and where I've been, and that process will take a few weeks. Today I kept thinking about my childhood, in no small part because my mom sent my sisters and I The Hobbit, a movie that we watched over and over and over again when I was growing up.

Of course a lot of the memories I had were related to my dad, which is no real surprise. For all that I received a lot of birthday wishes, I didn't get one from my dad, and that's a little sad. And he would have talked to me when my mom called, of course. Still, this thought didn't send me crying and crying, but today it left me feeling sad with a hint of bittersweetness.

Even so, today was a good birthday; I got up late, worked on stuff, and went out for a nice dinner with Ian. A quiet birthday is what I wanted :)

Sewing and more Rock Band

I managed to sew most of the day. I'd done this dress before and I changed the back so there were a few little oddities in the front. I changed those and I'm re-making the dress in a different fabric. I probably could have finished the dress if I hadn't got tired; also, I was sewing mostly black and it's hard to see as it gets dark (and rainy) out.

Once I got tired of sewing, Ian and I played some Rock Band. Yep, we're still playing, out on our "tour". I'm not a bad vocalist, although I can't sing. My pitch is definitely getting better, though, and there are certain songs that I can easily sing: almost anything by Oasis, Ballroom Blitz (who knew?), and even some Metallica songs. This is some fun for both Ian and me :)

Shopping, bellydancing, and Rock Band

I went to the new Fabricland in Stratford with a friend of mine - I haven't seen her in ages and was very glad to have seen her today. The Fabricland is bigger than the one I go to in Mississauga - in fact, it's about the same size as the Fabricland I used to go to that closed down in one of the malls. I did buy some fabric at 50% off and I'll be able to head there this next week if I want any Vogue patterns for $5.99 (which I probably will).

Even with all that shopping and chatting, I made it to bellydance to practice the choreography for the recitals April 6 and May 11. After that we did two hours of rather intense bellydance heart/chest movements.

I don't know if you knew, but people here were asked to turn their lights off/down for Earth hour between 8 and 9pm. Our sacrifice was to lay Rock Band in the dark with no lights or unnecessary machinery running. Lots of people around us turned their lights down, which was cool. And an even of Rock Band is always fun after a long shopping and bellydancing day.

So much for good intentions

I'd meant to go to my Spirituality and Healing group but when Ian called around lunchtime, I mumbled something along the lines of "I'm too sleepy" and so didn't go. When the phone rang again and it was Ian, I was surprised that he was calling back so quickly. He said he was on his way home for curling and when I asked what time it was, he said that it was five minutes to 6pm. Oh. I guess I won't be curling tonight, either.

I'd planned to sew a bit but I've only been awake about three hours and doubt that I'll do any sewing. I did talk to a good friend of mine, which was fantastic (I've missed her a lot) and I watched some tv but that was it. I guess that's enough.

The reason I slept that long - around 18 or 19 hours altogether - was because of the Pamidronate infusion. I feel a lot better now and think tomorrow will be normal, but it is also normal that the Pamidronate causes some tiredness. Anything that causes tiredness seems to knock me right out for a while.

On the bright side, I got my birthday present from my mom - two books on advanced sewing techniques!!!!! As soon as they arrived yesterday I sat down and skimmed through both, cover to cover. I can't wait to use the techniques in the books :)

Pamidronate infusion

Getting the blood drawn and the Pamidronate infused was a LOT easier with the port. It was a little tender when they accessed and de-accessed the port but otherwise it didn't hurt. It's kind of cool because once it's accessed because there's a tiny needle in the port and then at right angles there's a tube about 1/8" thick. At the end of the tube is a thingy that they can use to screw in other things. They stuck a needle in the end to draw blood and give the saline and then the heparin flush.

The Pamidronate was screwed into the tube. The Pamidronate is in a balloon in a bottle and the vacuum suction draws the fluid out of the balloon. When the balloon hits the tube, the Pamidronate infusion is over. The nurse has saline and Heparin syringes with screwy-inny things that go into line; they use that to flush the Pamidronate through the port and then to prevent clotting.

The Pamidronate infusion does make me very sleepy and I'm a bit woogly today. I left my Fentanyl patch on for too long and it ran out last night so I started getting withdrawl symptoms today. Sigh. I'm also not very hungry today and I'm still tired. I hope that tomorrow is better.

Where did the snow come from?

I finished the dress in plenty of time (and I think it looks awesome, even though I know it isn't perfect) but the weather turned against us. Snow started falling around 3pm or so and by 5:30 we had almost three inches of heavy, wet snow. The roads were slick and we decided that we shouldn't risk ourselves by driving to Stratford. We will have to remember Kevin in our own ways instead as we can't make it to the funeral tomorrow.

I was looking forward to seeing the team, even though the circumstances suck, but that will have to wait. I hope to see one or more people this weekend; that Fabricland is having a 50% off sale for members. I have a membership for Mississauga and I hope that it can be transferred to Stratford.

Tomorrow I have my Pamidronate infusion and if all goes well, they'll be using my port for the first time. It's really healed well, except for one end where the stitch came up. It hasn't dissolved yet so they'll have to take it off tomorrow. It's going to be a long day, as I arrive at 12:40pm for bloodwork and then I have the infusion starting at 2:45pm. If it started earlier, I might make it to bellydance, but there's no way that I'll make it there in time. I hope the infusion goes well tomorrow.

So I'm making a dress

I don't know how much I have to wear that would be appropriate for the visitation tomorrow, so I'm making a simple dress to wear. I have to shorten and hem the sleeves, hem the bottom, and make the belt, but I think I can do all of that tomorrow.

The front, back, and raglan sleeves of the dress are gathered into a scoop neck band. I'm using that black cotton/silk voile over a black satin fabric for the dress and the satin for the neck band and belt. The voile is cut on the bias and I made its gathers bigger so that they'll fall away from the lining and I think it looks good. It definitely needs a belt because it doesn't have a lot of shape to it.

I hope that it works out tomorrow because if it doesn't I'll have to figure out something to wear. I'm pretty sure that I have an appropriate black skirt and jacket but I don't know if I have a top that isn't too casual. I think the dress looks ok but until it's all done, I won't really know whether it looks good. It may be that my changes don't look right, or that my lunch tomorrow doesn't leave me with enough time to finish the dress. I'll know tomorrow :)

Not another one

I thought I said that I was tired of people dying? One of the fellows that paddled with the Silvermasters dragonboat team died today. He had chest pains this morning and died of a massive heart attack as he got to the hospital. He was quite young, in his fifties. I don't need to tell you that this sent a shiver down my back.

This man was very involved in the dragonboating community as well as the city in which he lived. Everyone knew him and although he would say that he didn't like people, he always treated everyone with respect and dignity. He wrote long, eloquent emails to thank people or wish them well and was liked by most. His death will leave a gigantic hole in the community. We will be going to one of the visitations on Tuesday.

Rest in peace, Kevin. You will be sorely missed by your wife and kids as well as everyone that knew you.

Mid-Easter weekend

I bought more fabric at Fabricland today. I also got myself a membership there because I shop at that one so often. Ian saw the total price and asked me if that was my spring/summer clothing budget. Ummm, yes. :) We also got some fabric and notions to make drum bags; it looks like the raw materials are about $13 per bag. I'd hoped the bag would be about $20-25, so that'll probably work out perfectly.

I had a huge cry the other night, when my test results came back good. I couldn't stop thinking about how he would have been so happy for me and how relieved he would have been. The thought that my dad isn't going to be feeling anything - that I can't go to him with questions or when I'm worried - made me so sad. :(

Feeling better

I went to my Spirituality and Healing group today and I'm very glad that I did. The person who'd been taking notes during sharing wasn't there and I was very comfortable in the group. I felt fully supported and embraced by everyone, which was a nice feeling. I'll be going more regularly now, I think. I've missed this group.

I also managed to curl today - yay! I was worried that my new port would give me problems but aside from having to sweep on one side only, I felt fine. The port area is healing up nicely, too :)

My doctor's office has called my oncologist to see if she can set up a biopsy of the thickened scar tissue quickly. Since my surgeon is out of town it sort of makes sense to try and do this through the cancer center. I don't know how quickly they'll get around to scheduling it but that's ok. I see my oncologist in three weeks anyways so if nothing is scheduled beforehand I can talk to her then.

Results are in

As you probably remember, my surgeon did a fine-needle biopsy of a thickening that he found on my latest lumpectomy scar about 10 days ago. The results are in and the sample that my surgeon took showed ductal cells but nothing abnormal. However, because of my history, the report recommends a repeat test. My family doctor is thinking about the best way to get a new test done quickly since my surgeon is on vacation until mid-April; I imagine that we wouldn't do a fine-needle biopsy like my surgeon but will do an ultrasound or core-needle biopsy or something like that.

So so far, there's nothing there. That's good news, for now :)

Not at my best today

I felt awful when I woke up; I had a terrible headache and I was nauseous. I think I was migrainy so instead of doing anything productive, I laid down and watched tv. Later on I felt better and did a bit of pattern preparation. I'm going to sew a top out of some striped fabric I bought ages ago - the fabric is primarily pink, yellow, and white and I think it'll be cute.

Tomorrow I need to call my doctor to find out the results from the fine-needle biopsy that my surgeon took 10 a week and a half ago. I very much hope that I don't have more cancer in my breast. I'm a little nervous about making the call tomorrow, of course, but at the same time I'd rather know what's going on. Knowing means that I can deal with it.

My incisions are healing well. There are welts from the bandagey-things that they put on that seem to be everywhere. I can also see new welts forming under the clear dressing I've currently got on the big incision. At least the bruising seems to be going down.

Awake all day

The nurse came by to change the dressings on the incisions. I can shower again! :) The incisions are healing very well. The catheter can be clearly seen on my neck when there's no dressing there - I sort of look like I'm on 'roids :) The reservoir incision is also healing well. There's a lot of bruising there and the area is quite tender. Apparently the steri-strip adhesive (that holds the incision together) didn't agree with me as there were welts under each one. Sigh. I hope that this incision heals better than all of the other cuts and incisions have healed before.

I also did some sewing today. I finished up a dress - it looks interesting although I wish it was a bit longer. It's sort of a trapeze style and is a couple of inches above the knee, which means that I can't put a belt on it to make it more shapely. If I use this pattern again (and I probably will) I'll have to make sure to lengthen it.

This evening Ian and I played Rock Band. I told you he got a PS3 console? Well, he also bought the game Rock Band, where each person can play one of the guitar, bass, vocals, and drums. I have trouble playing the guitar because my hands are so small. So I did some singing. This is about the only time anyone would encourage me to sing :) This game is a lot of fun and I'd recommend it... it also gives Ian and I something to do together when we don't want to watch tv.

I stayed home today

I decided not to go to the visitation for my friend today. I wanted to go and show my love for Pat which I would hope would provide some comfort for her husband Lee. But I wasn't really going for me to lay Pat to rest. Also, I slept all day and the port incision sites are quite tender - I can't put the passenger-side shoulder elt over them yet and it's too dangerous to drive 4 hours in total down the 401 if I can't wear the seatbelt properly.

The nurse is coming tomorrow to change the dressing for my incisions. I'm really looking forward to this as it would be nice if the dressings were smaller. It's weird because I can actually touch the catheter part on the outside of my neck and when I do poke at it, I can feel it in my neck. Both the nurse and Ian say that I'll get used to the catheter, like a person does with a watch. I don't know. Maybe once the tape is off and not pressing the catheter into my neck it'll be better.

Yesterday was also port-a-cath day

Yesterday wasn't the best day ever. Not only did my friend die, but I had to have my port-a-cath put in. If I'd had a choice, I would have postponed it for a day when I was feeling stronger.

The best part about yesterday was when I was telling the nurse about everything that was going on. She gave me a big hug and when we both had a few minutes, she came and talked to me. She'd been a palliative care nurse and so understood the emotions I was feeling. I am very grateful to her for taking the time to talk to me.

The port insertion isn't all that complicated; the two main steps are to put the catheter part into the jugular vein and to put the reservoir part into a "pocket" that they make under the skin. To do all this they give local freezing.

You may not know this, but local freezing and I do not get along. It hurts like crazy when it goes in and I usually need extra because I metabolize it strangely. So the anaesthetic portion of my adventure was pretty awful and filled with howls and screams. Some would say that I'm a big baby when it comes to local freezing pain, and those some would be right.

Things got better after that. I felt a lot of pressure and things felt weird but they got the port in without any problems. I had to spend four hours in the recovery area but that turned out ok, too. I had a big, big nap :)

I now have a gigantic bunch of padding and tape over the incisions and I'm not allowed to get that area wet, so no shower for me until at least Monday :( The area is fairly tender to the touch and is stiff when I wake up. I'm taking tylenol for the pain and stiffness; I figure there's no point taking Percocet if I don't need to. Home-care nurses are coming in on Monday and again later in the week to change the dressing and make sure things are ok.

I'm going to my bellydancing workshop, although I missed the class at noon because I slept in. My plan is to take it very easy. Tonight is the juggling festival show and I'll be going to that, too.

Tomorrow is my friend's visitation in Oshawa; the funeral is Monday starting at 11am but I can't make it to that because of the home-care nurse coming in. I hope to make it to the visitation tomorrow; Ian's offered to drive me but there are juggling people in town and it would be better if he could spend time with them.

My friend died

My heart is breaking. My friend Pat died last night at about 10pm. She was 42. It's a fact of life that if a person has breast cancer metastases, the mets will almost certainly be the cause of death for that person. Pat started out with bone mets in a lot of bones in June, 2005 and the mets progressed to her liver last year. She'd been on a downward trend for some months but I kept hoping that she would respond to treatment or that there would be some last-minute miracle that would keep her alive.

Pat was a wonderful woman, welcoming newbies to the bcmets mailing list and posting funny, irreverent messages there. Who could forget her love of chocolate, ice cream, and shopping... and her wandering eyebrows?!? :) She was a great peacekeeper and diffused many a hostile situation on the list. She always had words of comfort and listened to many, many people. She was very well-loved.

I'm grateful that I saw her before she died and that she was lucid the times I saw her. I loved her and will miss her very much.

A little shopping

So I chickened out of going to my spirituality and healing group today. What with everything, I just didn't want to go.

I ended up going to Fabricland and buying some patterns that were on sale. I looked at some fabrics but decided not to buy any - I have tons and don't need to buy any more. I didn't do any sewing or anything when I got home, though; I just watched tv.

Tomorrow morning I get my port inserted. I hope it goes well.

Support group fun

I went to my young women's support group today. There were only two other people there besides the facilitator because it's March break and all the kids are off school so the parents are busy. I didn't get as much out of it as I'd hoped; instead of it being a structured sharing circle it was more of a free-for-all and the other people were quite vocal. So I didn't say a lot. I did talk a bit about what's going on but that was it.

Tomorrow is the spirituality and healing group. Apparently the Tuesday and Thursday groups have been merged. As I think you know, I'm uncomfortable with people taking notes about what I'm saying during sharing circle. I'm concerned that the person who had been taking notes in another group (she was in the Tuesday group, not the Thursday one) will be at tomorrow's meeting and so I'm reluctant to go. I expect I'll go anyways, but I'm more nervous about it than I was before.

It's been a couple of days....

Sorry I haven't written anything in the last couple of days - I've gone to bed early both days and I've been too tired to write anything. I'm on my way to bed now but I'll give you something new to read :)

I saw my family doctor today and he said that if I had a new recurrence in the same breast, we would need to re-evaluate all of my treatments. Sigh. He also said that the reason I'm sleeping so much is that I'm taking so many painkillers, so we're going to start to increase the fentanyl patch and decrease the oxycontin to twice a day. Hopefully that'll keep the pain down without making me feel too tired.

My friend is still very ill and declining. Apparently her doctor has said that it's a matter of days now before she dies. I'm so sad. I want to visit her but I don't think I can really do that - and it occurred to me that I might be trying to help her in the hopes that the outcome will be different than my dad's was.... that she wouldn't die. But there's nothing I can do to help her and I can't use that to try and block the grief I feel about my dad. I'll email her husband so that he knows that he's not alone, but I can't give any more. This was a very hard realization to come to because I want to do everything I can for my friend and her family.

Tomorrow I have my young women's support group. I think I'm looking forward to that; it's hard to say. I've been spending most of my awake time down in my sewing room, playing with fabrics or sewing, and part of me would rather do that tomorrow night instead of going to a support group. However, I know that I'm in need of support so I'll go. When I get home tomorrow, if I'm not exhausted, I'm sewing. For sure :)

A snow day

I got to sew today! Well, first I slept in until mid-afternoon, and then I sewed. I'm just about finished the dress I'm making; it's a round neck with gathers all around. I had lengthed the sleeves because they were just puffy cap sleeves but they're too long, so I'll shorten them tomorrow. I'm also going to take the dress in a bit at the waist. The dress isn't quite a rectangle but it's close and the little bit of extra shaping at the waist will make it look even better.

Tomorrow I'll sew. Ian has finally bought himself a PS3 game console along with some games and is quite happy to spend all his time playing games :) That suits me fine because I want to sew.

I had wanted to visit my friend in hospital but the roads aren't going to be good enough tomorrow. I hope to go on Thursday this week, maybe. She is slowly deteriorating as her liver is not improving. They basically just have her on fluids and painkillers and she sleeps all the time. I don't know how long this stage lasts but it won't go on forever. When I found out that she was doing so poorly this afternoon I had a big cry - I'm not ready for her to die. She had a good word for almost everyone on the list and she gave the list joy and happiness. Her passing will leave a very big hole that won't be easily filled. I (and many others) will miss her terribly.

Saw my surgeon today

I see my surgeon every three months or so right now; in fact, I was supposed to see him on February 14 but what with my dad, I didn't make it to that appointment. He's going away next week and I was lucky to get in to see him before he left.

During the examination, he found a thickening in latest scar (the one from the last lumpectomy in May, 2006, where he removed the recurrence tumour). This thickening wasn't there the last time he saw me in November so he took a fine-needle aspiration sample of it and sent it off to the lab. He'll get the results in about 10 days, except of course he won't be there, so hopefully I'll get the results from my family doctor. The thickening could be nothing or it could be the cancer coming back in my breast.

This turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's (my) back. I'm still dealing with my dad's death, and my friend isn't doing well, and now there's a possibility that the cancer has come back in the same breast. Aaaaarghhhh! I started freaking out a bit. I know it's not the same as worrying that the cancer has showed up in some new organ, but it's worrisome enough as it is and I don't feel equipped to deal with this on top of everything everything.

So I did a little retail therapy. I went to Fabricland and bought lots of patterned stretch jersey and some 70% cotton/30% silk voile in both black and white and some other polka-dotted stretch satin fabric. I also bought some patterns that were on sale for $2/each. I did what I could to save money but I still spent a lot. Yes, I felt a bit better afterwards. I'd walked in a zombie and came out excited about the fabrics. After curling this evening, I washed the fabrics and I picked out a pattern and prepared it. I'm going to sew this weekend.

On Monday, I'm going to call my social worker. As well, my Spirituality and Healing group starts meeting again on Thursday and my Young Women's support group meets on Wednesday this week so I'll go to those. I feel like I need some help coping and as much as I love love love retail therapy, I don't have unlimited funds.

Happy birthday, Pere

My father would have been 65 years old today. I miss him so much. :(

A lazy bellydancing day

I went to bellydance today for the first time in a while. I discovered that I don't remember the choreography, but that's ok. There are classes on Saturdays that are doing this choreography and I can take some of those to make up for the ones that I missed.

I've been meaning to do some sewing but I haven't been able to figure out what it is that I want to sew. You know how that is? I spent the afternoon looking at my fabrics and trying to think of what to sew. Nothing is shouting out at me, though, so maybe I should leave it.... but I feel like sewing. I guess it's good that I have a project to work on :)

I've also been wasting time over at FreeRice. It's a vocabulary game where for each word you get right, 20 grains of rice are donated through the UN World Food Programme to help end hunger. So my time isn't exactly being wasted if it's for a good cause, right? :) I encourage those of you who haven't played this already to start... it's quite addictive.

Returning to normal

Yesterday I saw my friend in hospital. Mostly I just sat in the area reading magazines and sketched or dozed while she slept. It took quite a bit of driving to get there and I was quite tired when I got home. My friend seems to be doing a little bit better now - her colour is better and she's less swollen.

I ended up sleeping all day, which was a good thing. I have my port-a-cath insertion scheduled for next Friday the 14th. There's a bead show in Toronto that weekend and I'm not sure that I'll be able to go after the port is put in. I hope I can go - I really only want to look at certain things, but I can't see myself driving or anything. So I'll have to see.

The rest of this week marks a bit of a return to my "normal" schedule. Tomorrow I have bellydancing and then Thursday and Friday I'm curling.

Movie day

We saw Be Kind, Rewind today. It was hilarious! The premise - the video tapes all get erased - is kind of ridiculous, but if you can get past that, the re-enactments of each of the movies is really, really funny. Ian and I both howled through most of them. There is a sad undertone to the movie, though, and the ending is definitely not an everything-works-out-for-the-best ending. It's more of an everything-falls-apart-anyways ending. I liked that.

Ian accuses me of liking Jack Black. I don't know whether it's him that I like or his movies - the movies that he's in always look really, really funny to me. There's something about them that makes me giggle. Knowing that I can laugh at his movies is a good thing.

My friend improved slightly today. I'm going to go and see her tomorrow as I think the weather is supposed to be worse on Tuesday (provided I miss the morning rush hour, which I will). I intend to have a nap while I'm there :)

Visiting my friend

We went to see my friend today. Actually, we picked up another person from the list and took her, too :)

My friend has done better - she has mets to her liver and it's not working. I suspect that she feels that she is near the end of her journey. This makes me very sad and a little overwhelmed because, quite frankly, my dad's death is quite enough death or end of journey or whatever for now. At the same time, I have a very strong compulsion to reach out to my friend and her family.

I got to meet my friend's husband today so he knows that I'm not some crazy stalker woman :) If my friend is still in hospital this week, I'll make the trip out to sit with her for an afternoon while her husband works. I very much hope that she pulls through, though, and that she's back at home soon.

Almost normal

I woke up at 1pm and finally felt like a normal person. Yay! I guess that the Pamidronate in combination with everything else that's been going on knocked me out. I probably needed sleep anyways and my body made sure that I took it.

I didn't go curling today, though. I've gained weight and I need larger pants to wear at curling. As well, for all that I'm awake, I didn't want to do too much today. So I puttered around doing stuff instead.

My friend has been admitted to the hospital. I talked to her this evening and I plan to visit her this weekend if the roads are good. Ian thinks the roads will be fine tomorrow so we'll probably go then. I think it would do me and my friend some good if I saw her as she's having a hard time now.

This is like the flu

I slept a lot yesterday - in fact, I was asleep for most of the day and through the night. I fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up when Ian got home. I woke up as Ian was getting ready to leave for work this morning and went right back to sleep. I woke up again at 7pm and expect to be going to bed soon.

I guess this is the "flu-like" symptoms people can get after the first Pamidronate. My eyes hurt when I move them, I have a terrible headache, and my muscles are stiff. And I'm sleeping like a sick person. I hope that I feel better tomorrow because I'd like to go curling. Also, a friend of mine in Oshawa is not doing well and I might want to go there to see her. I'm worried that she's in dire straits because her liver seems to be failing.

My first Pamidronate injection

I had my first Pamidronate injection today. This isn't that much of a change in treatment; the Pamidronate replaces the clodronate that I was supposed to be taking before. The clodronate is a drug that's taken orally on an empty stomach twice a day and the Pamidronate is given by IV once a month. I wasn't able to take the clodronate properly because I wasn't always awake enough hours, so it wasn't doing me as much good as it should have. At least I'll have protection from the Pamidronate.

I re-discovered that I have terrible veins during the bloodwork and injection process today. I knew that my veins were bad, but they seemed to be worse than I remembered. During bloodwork, the nurse got a vein in my hand but it hurt - as all the veins in my hands do - so she took it out. There were no other good veins in my hand and she asked for warm blankets to be sent, which would have delayed the test results. The nurse ended up going in to the same vein.

Later on, when the nurse was setting up the line for the Pamidronate, the first injection in my forearm didn't work as she went through the vein and the saline built up beneath my skin. So she took that out and had to find another vein. It seems that I'm retaining water, which is making veins hard to find, but she finally was able to get the IV started. The IV is weird; it's a needle that's used to put a tube into the vein, and then the needle is removed. The tube remains and the Pamidronate is delivered through that tube.

When the Pamidronate was flowing well enough, the injection site started to hurt occasionally. They put a warming blanket on my arm and that helped; I guess my veins don't like the delivery system when they're cold. I also had pain when they were flushing saline through at the end - the solution and my arm were both cold and the warming blanket wasn't warm anymore.

So after all of these troubles, the nurse and I decided that it is time to put a port-a-cath in. They can draw blood and give the Pamidronate (and chemo, when it comes to that) through the port without having to worry about my veins. Inserting the port is a day procedure that takes about 1/2 a day and takes about 10 days to heal. I'll let you know when that's scheduled.

One of the side effects of the first Pamidronate injection can be flu-like symptoms. I'm definitely feeling under the weather now and I slept for a good part of the day. My arm is also quite tender. I'll be taking it easy tomorrow and maybe Friday as well.

Home now

I made it home, safe and sound. The flights were pretty uneventful; I slept all the way to Calgary (I think I may have been talking in my sleep) and I had the row to myself on the way to Waterloo.

Of course I still miss my dad, and as I got further away from Edmonton, it seemed to hit me pretty hard that my dad was dead. It's a good thing I had that row all to myself as my face and neck were covered in tears for a good part of the way.

I miss my mom very much as well; I appreciated being able to stay there and I liked staying with my mom so I found it hard to leave. I know it was time... but still, part of me wanted to stay. I left a bunch of things behind so there is a little piece of me still there :). I hope to see you all in Edmonton soon.

Leaving tomorrow

I'm going back to Waterloo tomorrow. As much as I like being here, helping out my mom and stuff, there comes a point where I have to go back to my regularly scheduled life. And I would like to see Ian as I've missed him. I'm not sure how much I'll feel like doing when I first get home. I have all sorts of activities I could do (and an appointment on the 27th) but I might want to just cocoon myself at home for a bit.

I saw my sister this evening - just the two of us - for a while. I wish I'd been able to see her longer as we had a really good visit and I would have liked to have talked to her more. At least I did get to see her :)

I'll miss my mom a lot when I leave. I know that everyone needs their own time and place to grieve and although I've been able to help with some stuff, I think that it will be sort of easier for my mom if she's on her own. I'm so proud of her because I think that she's been very courageous in getting through this difficult time. I love that she is putting one foot in front of the other and getting through things - I know how hard that can be to do, and I love that she's doing it. I appreciate that I was able to stay with my mom and I hope I was able to help a bit with things.

The Academy Awards

The Academy Awards were on tonight and we settled in and watched the entire ceremony. I don't care that much about the awards themselves because the movies that I think should win rarely do, but I always like looking at the clothes. :)

This year there were many, many red gowns at the ceremony. I'd say that about half of the women presenting or receiving awards were wearing red - that's a lot, considering that the remaining half were wearing every other colour of the rainbow. Helen Mirren was wearing a particularly lovely gown; it was a strapless red gown with tucks and pleats radiating down from one side, and it had a built-in sparkly shrug with elbow-length sleeves. The shrug looked elegant and covered her upper arms beautifully without competing with or detracting from the dress. And who doesn't love a little sparkle? :)

The ladies on stage who were guiding the award receivers were wearing beautiful gowns, too. One gown was gold and the other silver and both were gorgeous.

This isn't to say that every gown was beautiful. Most were, of course :) However.... I thought that the dress Anne Hathaway was wearing looked a little strange, especially in the back. I think it would have looked better if the flower line had either stopped at the empire waist line or it had continued down the dress to her high hip. That line's placement looked strange and I thought it didn't work so well with the shoulder of her dress on that side. It might have been better to put the strap and flower line on different shoulders, or had them combine, or not had a draped shoulder. The back of the dress also looked odd; it looked like the flower lines should have met at a point in the mid-back but then they decided to raise the back. The back dress line that cut the flower line looked out of place.

Anyways - I enjoyed the evening very much. I'm looking forward to seeing the dresses in upcoming magazines :)