I went for a long walk after getting hooked up to Pamidronate. It was so beautiful outside, with the sky a clear blue and the leaves all different colours. The air smelled so fresh It's been too long since I've been out in the sun and I've missed it. Staying inside is one of the reasons that I've been feeling so down, I think.
Unfortunately, I'm not doing that much better. As long as everything is going smoothly and nothing goes wrong, I'm fine. The instant anything goes wrong or looks like it will go wrong I start to freak out and become quite frustrated and upset. If I'm in the "right" frame of mind at that point, I start crying. Not just tears rolling down my face, but whole-body sobbing that crumples me to the ground. That's what happened last night and it happened again today when I got home from my walk.
I don't like to be in that frame of mind so I'm taking Ativan at the smallest sign of trouble. When I take it I'm still easily frustrated and upset but at least I'm not incapacitated by tears. Ativan makes me sleepy, though, so I've been sleeping a lot. Thinking back, I haven't been getting enough sleep over the last few months - one reason for my weepiness is that I'm so exhausted - so getting some forced sleep isn't such a bad thing. Except that time is limited and me sleeping all afternoon means that I did no packing today.
I wish I knew how to not let myself get so overwhelmed and fragile. It's hard enough to do this move while also being an emotional mess. It can't be fun for Ian, either.