I has a sad

I was looking through my facebook wall and saw that my mom had put a comment on one of my posts about how emotionally exhausting packing is. She's right; this past weekend, I was going through things that carried a lot of memories from people who've died, like my dad and some friends of mine. Every time I came across something that held special meaning to me, I'd remember an event that had happened with that person. There wasn't really time for me to re-experience all those events so I just kind of pushed it down and continued packing.

Today I had a meltdown while cooking dinner. I started crying and sobbing and couldn't stop, even when Ian came home. He suggested I take Ativan, which I did, but even now I'm feeling like I could burst into tears any second. Poor Ian was worried there for a second that something terrible had happened but it was just me crying uncontrollably.

It would be so much easier for me if I could figure out exactly what I'm feeling and identify those feelings. At least then I'd know what the problem is and I could deal with it. Part of the problem is coming across all those memories, but that's not the whole problem.

I don't like the way  I've been feeling lately and to be honest, some of the thoughts that are taking up space in my head are not what I want there. I just want those thoughts to go away and for me feel less like this, whatever this is.