Monday, July 05, 2010

Another friend gone

I'm so sad. One of the women on our mets board died today at 39. She was diagnosed with bone mets to the sternum a year after I was and her cancer just progressed so quickly... honestly, I thought she'd have more time but her liver couldn't take any more treatment. I hate cancer.

She and I didn't always get along. We were friends for a while: I let her stay for free in my hotel room when I went to another friend's funeral last year. At one point, though, she and others said some nasty things on Facebook about another person I know and I wasn't comfortable seeing that kind of talk. She was strong-willed and I knew that asking her to stop saying those things would have little effect, so after careful thought I de-friended her. I knew she was hurt and I tried to explain that I wasn't mad at her and that I still cared for her even though I wasn't comfortable with her behaviour. I don't think she saw things that way.

This feels almost like unfinished business, like I should have done something different or more... and I'll never have that chance. not that I didn't try at all; I sent her messages, trying to make things up with her but she didn't respond. All I could do was reach out and let her react the way she wanted to - I can't force anyone else to do what I want.

Of course I've known other people who've died with whom I didn't get along, but none that I knew so well. I'd like to think that this situation won't happen again; that I won't hurt people again, or that people I care about won't die while we're not getting along... but I think I know better. I'm not perfect, and I hurt people without meaning to, and sometimes people just don't want to be around me.

Even if my friend had lived longer, I don't know if things would have changed between us. I wish we could have been friends at the end. I hope she knew that I was sorry we'd fought and that I cared about her very much.

RIP, LisaC. I hope that you're comfortable and at peace now. I'll miss you.


PussDaddy said...

I am sorry to hear that you lost your friend. You know I believe that when you die you become "all knowing", and if this is true then your friend knows what is what now and knows what you meant. I am sorry she died and I hope you feel better soon.


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