Thursday, September 24, 2009

Maybe not totally lazy.... maybe overwhelmed

Today was Pamidronate day so I got to see the nurse who disconnects it. The Pamidronate gets hooked up to my port at the hospital and then, about three hours later, the home care nurse comes to disconnect it. I like this nurse very much; she's personable and is always interested in how I'm doing. I feel like she really listens and she's actually interested in how I'm doing. I think of her as part of my support network - I have no trouble talking to her about how I'm feeling.

Of course I told her about my friends who had died and we talked about that. As I said in my comment to my previous post, I think I'm still processing all of my friend's deaths. So many have gone in such a short time that it's overwhelming; it feels almost impossible to grieve for one person... they all sort of get mixed up together into one ginormous grief ball.

It seems also that I've been avoiding dealing with that grief. I'm focusing instead on this thing that's been happening on etsy with a group of sellers. I don't even know why I'm involved because I don't care that much about the thing and it's got nothing at all to do with me. I guess I care because there are questions about what's really happening; not everything from every source matches up ... and they're asking for money from people.

And so for some reason I feel it's important to provide another perspective, to ask the questions few people are asking, so that people who might be thinking of getting involved in this can see another side and evaluate this themselves. I have been trying to be polite and non-accusatory, asking questions but not making accusation or assuming anything. This doesn't seem to matter; that group doesn't respond well to questions, ignoring them at best and saying awful, awful things about the questioner at worst.

All that doesn't explain why I would even bother, or why I would expend all this negative energy thinking about this for the last three weeks. Yes, three weeks. Thinking about it, I didn't really start getting involved until after my friend died... which says to me that I'm using this as a way of avoiding fully dealing with the grief I have. I'm sure the people that are asking me to stop questioning them would be delighted to know this, and would hope that now that I've realized this I'll let it go. That way, they never have to explain anything.

But totally letting it go means that I need to really grieve. And when my thoughts turn to grieving, I feel overwhelmed - just like when I look over at  my work area. I guess instead of thinking about the whole thing I need to look at each one individually. They do say to start small and manageable when approaching a big, overwhelming task.

At least I now know what my head is doing... and that realization means that I don't have to just let my thoughts happen anymore; I can consciously choose where to focus them. It's a good place to start.


manchester fat acceptance said...

that sounds very insightful. i am glad you see where it is probably coming from.

i didn't ever come to that realization on the etsy boards - i never considered the reasons behind my involvement. it is hard to face something like that.


Chantelle said...

Thanks - having the insight hasn't so far meant that I've let go of this. I'm still justifying my involvement to myself... and I do think that my involvement does serve a good purpose.

It's always hard to look closely at the reasons behind my behaviour because it usually reveals aspects of myself that are less than pleasant.

I think one other reason for involving myself in this issue was that I was lonely; Ian was away then and I was on my own. When there's no one in person to talk to, I now turn to the internet.