Yummy dessert this evening

I got to have a very yummy dessert with a friend that I haven't seen in ages. It took a while for me to remember that I hadn't seen her in quite some time but once I did remember of course I had to contact her as soon as possible.

She's one of the people I really admire because she's always been so good at handling things. She's also taught me that having cancer - even stage iv cancer or the equivalent - doesn't mean that life is over, and that asking "but what if the cancer comes back" or "what if I'm in treatment" shouldn't necessarily determine the choices a person with stage iv cancer can make. Do the things you want to do whether you've got stage iv cancer or not.

In case you think my friend is super-human, she's not... she is special, yes, but she's as human as any of us with regular problems and a regular life. I hope to see more of her over the summer. Going on a long vacation isn't really an option while we're looking for a house so I'll be around.

Game night

Ian's work held a game night tonight for the first time in ages. We both went - in fact, Ian is still there playing games but I was getting tired and figured I was done thinking.

We played two games: Container and Battlestar Galactica. I've played Container before: it's a game where players set up a mini-economy around the production, warehouse, and shipping of different coloured containers. It's interesting because all the usual problems with economies - inflation, recession, credit problems, and so on - can happen.

This game doesn't take long to learn, either, so it's a good game to try out if you're not used to complicated board games. The only problem with the game is that two of the container colours are almost indistinguishable so if you buy this game, you might want to paint one of them a different colour. I love this game and highly recommend it.

Battlestar Galactica is another animal entirely. It's a game based on the tv series, where humans try to get the ship to safety and hidden - later revealed - Cylons try and stop them. This game has tons of differently-shaped pieces and different cards and different roles and different ship attributes - and everything has different abilities. This is not a simple game to learn: the instruction book is quite a few pages and you have to refer to it frequently throughout the game.

This is a game for the most advanced players who are willing to put in the time to learn it. There's a lot to read and understand and the interaction of certain things also needs to be understood. There is a reward for all that work, however: once you figure out how to play this game with all of its roles and actions and modifiers, it's a lot of fun to play. Before the Cylons are revealed, there's mystery and intrigue and afterwards, there's a lot of battling and choosing sides. This game is worth the commitment if you're into board games and especially if you're a BSG fan.

The never-ending heat

It's still hot. We had some rain last night and that sort of cleared the air but it's still hot and humid. I actually did go for a small walk yesterday while carrying a full liter of water and drank most of the water while I was out. The walk would normally take me about 45 minutes but I was actually out for over an hour. I wound up with some wicked blisters on my feet, too, that are still quite sore.

So I stayed home all day. Being in the heat makes me very tired and I ended up having a nap in the afternoon. I was ok with that after yesterday's events.

I think we're supposed to get a break from the high heat in the next few days. I hope so.

Another friend gone

I'm so sad. One of the women on our mets board died today at 39. She was diagnosed with bone mets to the sternum a year after I was and her cancer just progressed so quickly... honestly, I thought she'd have more time but her liver couldn't take any more treatment. I hate cancer.

She and I didn't always get along. We were friends for a while: I let her stay for free in my hotel room when I went to another friend's funeral last year. At one point, though, she and others said some nasty things on Facebook about another person I know and I wasn't comfortable seeing that kind of talk. She was strong-willed and I knew that asking her to stop saying those things would have little effect, so after careful thought I de-friended her. I knew she was hurt and I tried to explain that I wasn't mad at her and that I still cared for her even though I wasn't comfortable with her behaviour. I don't think she saw things that way.

This feels almost like unfinished business, like I should have done something different or more... and I'll never have that chance. not that I didn't try at all; I sent her messages, trying to make things up with her but she didn't respond. All I could do was reach out and let her react the way she wanted to - I can't force anyone else to do what I want.

Of course I've known other people who've died with whom I didn't get along, but none that I knew so well. I'd like to think that this situation won't happen again; that I won't hurt people again, or that people I care about won't die while we're not getting along... but I think I know better. I'm not perfect, and I hurt people without meaning to, and sometimes people just don't want to be around me.

Even if my friend had lived longer, I don't know if things would have changed between us. I wish we could have been friends at the end. I hope she knew that I was sorry we'd fought and that I cared about her very much.

RIP, LisaC. I hope that you're comfortable and at peace now. I'll miss you.

It's really hot, hot, hot

Happy Fourth of July to all my American friends! I hope that you and everyone else are finding ways to enjoy the weekend and beat the heat.

It's crazy hot here and is supposed to get even hotter this week. Today got up to over 30C (86F) and it's supposed to be 34C (93F) by Tuesday with lows around 20C (68F) this week. Add in our regular humidity and smog and we have hot, sticky, humid, hard-to-breathe, feels like over 40C (105F) weather. We're also supposed to get clear skies until the weekend and  a UV index of 10 tomorrow so we'll get lots and lots of sun beaming down on us, too.

We really hoped to be in a house by now. Not just so that we could stop looking for a house but also so that we could have air-conditioning. We have a portable unit in our bedroom so at least we'll be able to sleep but it's very uncomfortable to just sit around in the un-air-conditioned house.

Speaking of sitting around, that's pretty much all we did today :) We were able to watch Legion, which we'd rented yesterday and which took over 4 1/2 hours to download. It's an ok but not great movie. It's an interesting premise: in an out-of-the-way truck stop, an unborn child and a rogue angel try to save humanity against God's attempt to destroy everyone (as in the Old Testament).

There's something missing in this movie, even though dialogue is ok, the acting is fine, and the special effects are good. Thinking back, the story is probably what's lacking here. The characters, their actions, and the situation have been seen before in other movies and there was nothing really special or interesting about the people here. The rogue angel was an interesting idea but somehow it just fell flat. In many ways, what should have been a compelling, interesting, gripping movie was just... boring. There are moments approaching greatness in the movie but those moments are few and far between.

This movie is worth watching if you can watch it for free and tend to like movies that you can watch while also doing something like a crossword or something.

Our internet

The Playstation Video Store just launched in Canada. We were really excited about this because you can rent or buy downloaded movies and tv shows and watch them. Even better, they have a huge selection of movies there in tons of genres!

We've been wanting to watch Legion even though it got bad reviews. it was one of the movies in the list, so we picked it, paid for it, and started downloading it. The download started over an hour ago and we're only 37% into a 4.8G download. We're not having any problems using the laptop and nothing seems to be slower than usual.... so we figure that Bell Canada, our internet service provider, is limiting the amount of traffic they'll accept from the Store.

We pay a ridiculous amount of money for full internet and it drives me nuts that they limit the internet traffic in this way. I'd be allowed to download from torrents if I wanted because they don't limit those but I can't download from a legitimate place? WTF?

Sadly, we have very little choice when it comes to internet. We have Bell (also our phone provider) or Rogers, the cable provider. In many ways, Rogers is worse than Bell. Rogers splits the signal amongst neighbours and so each person gets less bandwidth. Rogers also goes down more often and for longer periods of time... Bell tends to be up and running almost always but it's hard to think that their reliability makes up for limiting traffic. I wish we had another reliable option that didn't limit traffic.

Celebrations!

 We went to the Canada Day fireworks last night and didn't get home until very late, which is why there was no blog post yesterday. The fireworks were pretty good, although it wasn't like they told a story or anything. Then again, you don't expect a fancy story or anything from a local fireworks night, right?

The evening started with yummy dinner and ice cream followed by board games until it was time for the fireworks. We played Quarto, Gobblet, Skybridge, and Taluva. The first three games are published by Gigamic, a game company that makes sturdy, well-designed puzzle/strategy games which are very simple to learn but can be quite complex to play. These three games are made with wooden puzzle pieces and a simple board - it's amazing what games you can play with such simple pieces.

I enjoyed both two-player games - Quarto and Gobblet - the most and strongly recommend them to everyone. In Quarto, you decide which of the 16 pieces your opponent will place on the 4x4 board. Each pieces is a combination of the four attribute pairs: tall/short, round/square, solid/hollow, light/dark. The goal is to make a straight line of four pieces that share one of those attributes - all are tall, or all are solid.

In Gobblet, each player has three sets of four nesting pieces and can move one piece onto or around the 4x4 board. A piece can either go on a blank square or can "gobble" a smaller piece on a non-blank square. Whichever piece the player touches must be the one moved.

I liked Skybridge but I couldn't figure out a strategy. In this game, each player has a set of coloured blocks which are used to build towers on the 3x3 board. Each player has a bridge that can be used to link two towers together and crowns that are used to "claim" a tower for scoring.

Taluva was more complicated because it involved building landscapes up and out and building huts, temples, and towers. I couldn't really figure out when to do what move, although I'm sure that I'd get it in a second game. Both Skybridge and Taluva work better with more people playing and aren't as suited for two people. I think they'd both be fun another time.

Last night was kind of a celebration for us, I guess, because today, July 2, 2010, is Ian's and my 10th anniversary. Yep, we've been together for 10 years now. What a long time! We've kind of grown up together :) I'm hoping for many, many more years of unmarried bliss. We're celebrating our anniversary by watching tv recordings from the week. Sitting on our butts in front of the tv (ours or someone else's to watch a movie) is one our favourite activities on a Friday night.

Book review

I finished reading Dry by Augusten Burroughs. I liked it, just as I liked Running with Scissors. Both of these books are memoirs, not parts of autobiographies, which to me is a crucial distinction. As far as I'm concerned, events in an autobiography should be entirely true and have occurred almost exactly as described. I expect an autobiography to be factually correct with possibly some editorial comments reflecting back on the events described.

In a memoir, I expect that the events in the books have some basis in reality and aren't just made up completely. The events could be a pastiche of other events and may even have been massaged for better dramatic and comedic timing but will have some basis in truth. In many ways, I expect a memoir to read like a novel and to be emotionally, if not completely factually, true.

These memoirs are very well-written and do read like very good novels. There's something about the way that Burroughs writes that I really like. He describes events in a self-deprecating and yet deeply truthful way. He never really comes and and says what he's feeling: he never says that he's ashamed or sad or grieving or scared. Instead, the reader infers how he feels based on the event itself and the words he uses. 

In this way, the reader becomes emotionally invested in the events that occur and really feels what the writer is feeling. I've been in similar situations as Burroughs and I found that I could really relate to those events. Reading those events actually brought up some past memories of mine... memories that I don't like to examine all that often. Examining them in the light of these books made them less terrible and more bearable and that made these books very powerful for me.

The family portrayed in Running with Scissors felt that they were inaccurately portrayed and they sued the author for defamation even though names and identifying details were changed. The family wasn't informed that this memoir was going to be published and were shocked at what was there. I can't imagine that most authors would necessarily get permission from the people in their books but I do think they should notify those people about the project before publishing. The case was settled out of court and on subsequent memoirs of his it's made clear that details and events might be changed.

Even though Burroughs didn't lose the case, the fact that he didn't contact the family before publishing the first book is very much in keeping with type of person the author is... he's selfish, vain, and shallow. He's a jerk. Oddly enough, even though he's a jerk, I still enjoy his writing. Maybe it's because he doesn't try to pretend he's someone else: he is who he is. I like that. I don't think I'd like him as a person, but I do like his writing style and his books and I plan on reading more of them soon.

Both Running with Scissors and Dry are quirky, interesting, funny, and easy to read. They're worth reading if you're interested in unusual families (Running with Scissors) or what it's like to get sober (Dry).

Dinner and stuff

I saw my friend for dinner tonight - I'm so glad that she was available tonight after I cancelled yesterday. It was great seeing her and I wish that we got together more often. I see her about every six months or so and there's just too much catching up to do over dinner when there's that much time between visits.

She works for the company that recently employed me and I do feel sort of sad, hearing about the trials and tribulations of working there. I miss being there in the thick of things, you know? I wish my body was able to handle that much stress because sometimes it sounds like such fun. Then again, it can also be awful, and why would I waste my energy on something awful?

I think my friend is planning a game night soon and I hope we'll be able to go and see everyone. She promised to keep the number of people there to a low number which should make the games more interesting. I look forward to seeing her again.

On another topic, I'm getting quite tired of receiving calls from telemarketers. We're on the national Do Not Call list and so we're not supposed to get calls like this at all but they don't even bother to check whether we're on the list. I looked into reporting these people and it turns out that you don't need much information to make a report: you only need the date and time they called you, the name the person calling gave you, the company name, and the company phone number.

So when I received a call yesterday from one of these telemarketers (from an alarm system company, he was), before he could get into his spiel, I asked him to repeat his name, which he did. Then I asked for the company name, which I confirmed with him. And I asked him for the phone number of the company, which he gave me. Then I told him that I was on the Do Not Call list, which meant that I should not have received this call and that I was going to report this call. I also told him that the person who made the call as well as the company itself can fined for calling numbers not on the list.

Then I reported the call.

If you're not on the Do Not Call list, I urge you to register your number there. If you are on the list and are receiving calls from telemarketers, I strongly urge you to report those calls. The more we report these calls, the more that can be done to stop them.

An adventurous day

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend of mine tonight but I was so tired after my adventures this afternoon that I had to postpone dinner until tomorrow.

I finally had my appointment with the surgeon who did my biopsy last month. As I thought, the incision is healing just fine. He'll be referring me to a respirologist as well; he faxed the referral over and now I need to wait for an appointment to come up.

It was a gorgeous afternoon and I wanted to take advantage of it so I thought that I would wander up to the next bus stop. I should have done some planning and wore different shoes, however. I've walked quite a bit in these shoes before but for some reason, today I got blisters. I went into the pharmacy next door to the doctor's office and bought some bandages to put over the blister.

About a block later I noticed that the bandage wasn't on and just made the blister worse so I put another bandage on. A block after that, the bandages were coming off so I went into the hospital pharmacy and bought some more bandages. And some paper tape, which we'd been running out of.

I put the bandage on and everything seemed ok until all of a sudden, about two blocks later, my foot started hurting again. So I put another bandage on. Two blocks after that, my foot started hurting even more so I took the bandage off and put two on, overlapping them so that they would stay on and wouldn't hurt.

This time, I was in luck. The bandages stayed on until I got off the bus. I'm getting ahead of myself, however. I did manage to walk around and on the way to the bus I passed by my favourite local independent bookstore. They had a bunch of books on sale in a display outside and being the devourer of books that I am, I stopped to take a look.On the table was a book I've been looking for: Dry, by Augusten Burroughs. I've already read Running with Scissors, his memoir of his childhood, and I wanted to read this next memoir about when he got sober.

I wandered around in the bookstore for a few minutes to see if there was anything else that I wanted but I didn't find anything. Unfortunately the extra time in the bookstore meant that I missed my bus by about one minute. I took advantage of the fifteen minutes I had to wait to sit and read my new book. It's as good as I'd hoped it would be. When I got off the bus my foot still hurt so I took the bandages off and left the blister bandage-less for my walk home - surprisingly, the blister didn't hurt so much.

On my walk home I found a report card. I knew it was the last day of school and that report cards were given out but you usually don't find them on the sidewalk. I didn't really know what to do with it - I had these visions of me taking it home and trying to phone the kid's parents to try and give it back, but that wasn't something that I thought I should do, even if I wanted to do it. I also didn't think that the report card should just sit on the ground like that.

The school was only a few blocks away so I decided to take the report card back there and let them deal with it. Even though it was way past school dismissal time I hoped that one of the teachers would still be there and I was in luck: there were three cars in the parking lot. The doors were locked, though. I went around the whole school and tried to open - and then knocked on - every door. Thinking back, it's a good thing that I had the report card in my hand, because those inside may have thought that I was trying to break in or something. Maybe they thought that anyways. When I got back around to the front door I could see someone inside, so I held up the report card and she unlocked the door to take it.

She seemed to recognize the name on the report card; I got the impression that maybe the student hadn't dropped it accidentally on purpose but that something else had happened. I can't imagine what that something else could be, but either way I was happy to not have the report card in my hands any more.

After all that I finally got to go home - only an hour and a half after I could have been there. but then I wouldn't have bought the new book or had the report card adventure.

In other news, the laptop we ordered arrived today. It's nice-looking and I'm sure it's much more powerful than the current one. We thought that the current laptop had a 17" screen so that's what we ordered. Surprise! Our old laptop has a 15.4" screen. I guess we should have measured to save some money. Oops. It is a lovely laptop and it even has a numeric keypad, which I love... so we'll learn to live with (and love) it's ginormosity.

A Sunday evening movie

We're still very excited about our fancy new tv. Since the resolution on this tv is so much better than on our old tv, we were interested in seeing whether the display from a Blu-Ray in our PS3 on this tv was better than on our old tv. To do that, we went to the video store for a movie. We were quite surprised at how many titles there were that we'd wanted to see. Clearly we haven't been watching enough movies lately! Almost every title interested us.

In the end, we chose to rent The Book of Eli, which we'd sort of planned to get until we saw that there were so many other choices. This is a post-apocalyptic movie that follows a "chosen man" who is journeying West through a wasteland while carrying a book that has the power to restart humanity. There is a battle between "good" and "evil" where each side defines their beliefs and what is precious in almost identical ways but to different ends. Nothing is really black and white, though; bad characters have good in them and vice versa. There's a lot to this movie, if you want to look at it that way - but you can enjoy it for what it is, too.

Cinematically, this movie is quite unusual.. It takes place not in a big city but in rural communities and the real stars in it are the ground and the sky with hardly any differentiation between them. This lack of differentiation is achieved in part by the sepia-ness of the movie. There are very few colours throughout most of this film, which contributes much to the atmosphere of this movie

This is a compelling, very good movie that we highly recommend. There is violence, and there are some disturbing scenes, but it's an excellent movie. So good, in fact, that I think it stands up to multiple viewings. The special features add a lot to the movie as well - they aren't all just trailers or re-telling the story; there's more too them. Like the graphic novel that they basically wrote to define their scenes and shots. If you see this movie, watch the special features, too. They're worth your time.

Oh - and yes, this new tv definitely has a better Blu-Ray picture. Everything is crisp and the colours are as graduated as we'd see in a theatre. We're very happy with our purchase. :)

Games night!

We went out and played games tonight for the first time in ages! We played games with a different crowd than we used to which was fun. I knew some of the people there but I hadn't seen them in ages so it was great to see them and catch up a bit. I'll have to get together with them again because I shouldn't have to wait this long to see them again. There was a great mix of geeky people like us at the games party, probably because we were also watching episodes of Big Bang Theory, so we got to meet new people, too.

We played Apples to Apples and Sputnik. Apples to Apples is a fun party game that we've played before. Sputnik was new to us and it was a really fun game to play. Each player starts with a rocket piece on a landing piece surrounded by stacks of galaxy pieces. Each player moves their rocket piece to a galaxy piece next to them and then removes another galaxy piece if one is available. If a player can't move to a galaxy piece, they can transform their landing piece into a galaxy piece on an empty space near them; if there's no place for the rocket to move, the player is out.

It's a simple game to understand and play but the strategy can be quite complex, which makes it an interesting game to play. We recommend it.

We also bought a new tv today. We've been waiting to buy a really, really big tv for when we get a house - we'll put an entertainment area in the basement where we'll be able to play video games and watch movies on a nice, big screen. But we don't have a house yet and our old tv was a flat-screen CRT model with HD capabilities. It was fine for regular tv but it didn't have enough resolution for video games or some of the fine HD stuff.

So we decided to spend a little money now to buy a replacement 37" LCD tv that's bigger and has better resolution than our old tv. We'll probably put this tv in the living room or great room or whatever we end up with in the new house, so that we can watch tv while cooking or hanging out on the main floor for whatever reason.

A bit of this and a bit of that

Apparently the longest Wimbledon game ever so far was recently played. I don't follow Wimbledon, but there's a live blogger talking about the games for those that like that sort of thing. The entries about this particular game are hilarious! Even better, you definitely don't need to understand tennis in order to get the humour.

The entries are here; the whole thing is entertaining but the real fun starts at about 5pm. Have a look if you're in need of some giggles - and really, who doesn't need giggles once in a while?

I went for a two-hour walk this afternoon. I almost didn't go out because I was feeling lazy but I ate way, way, way too much ice cream last night and I figured that I should do something other than sit around at home. I managed to find a fairly long path through the closest woods. It was so nice in there, with the birds singing and the light coming through the leaves. I think I may have got too much sun on my face, though. Ian says my face has a few extra freckles and it feels hot. Oops.

This weekend we'll go to some open houses, as usual. There are hardly any tomorrow and too many on Sunday. Most of the houses won't be right, of course, but we've had our eye on a couple of them for a while: one that's a bit out of our price range and another that's way down by the 401. It isn't worth taking up our realtor's time to see them but we'd still like to see what these places are like. If we like them, then we can see them again with our realtor.

It turns out that seeing places that we like twice is a good idea for us (well, for me, anyways). The first time through we kind of wander around looking at the overall picture and react with our feelings or intuition. The second time we see a place, we look at things more carefully. It's hard on my emotions but at the same time, I do have a hard time thinking critically about a place I'm looking at when my feelings about it are so strong. Love is blind, as they say.

More house-hunting

We looked at a couple of houses with our realtor today. Well, we really looked at one and a half houses because we couldn't get into the first house as there was an alarm system. We did take a really good look at the yard and exterior of that house, however. It had the most decadent yard of a couple of hundred feet of mostly trees merging into a conservation area.

Sadly, there was a lot of traffic noise in the yard from the nearby major street. At first we thought the noise was from the expressway but that road is sunken and has a noise barrier, so the noise is almost certainly coming from the nearby regular major street. Even though that house appears to have potential, the traffic noise interfered with our ability to enjoy the tranquility and peacefulness of the backyard. There's no point having a 300ft long property if you can't enjoy it, right?

The other house is a newer house that hadn't really been updated. It was ok but didn't really excite us. Plus the master bedroom windows looked directly into the neighbour's windows - presumably it was their master bedroom. We're not the kind of people that like peeking into our neighbour's windows. Besides, that window placement meant that the bedroom got no light.

The basement in that house was also unfinished which meant that we'd have to finish it... and I wouldn't have a sewing room until that was done. Even though I haven't been sewing much lately, I still want to be able to sew whenever I want.

Remember that house we loved and thought about putting in an offer for? it's way, way overpriced for the neighbourhood and its amenities. It seems that the realtor representing that house contacted our realtor to find out why we didn't put in an offer and basically told her that they wouldn't reject an offer closer to the house's value. We're still not going to buy that house. Even though we loved that layout and everything, we don't have a good feeling about it.

In some ways not buying a house was a good thing this week because Ian was really, really busy at work and it would have been hard to have the stresses of the house and work at the same time.

Our house is out there... somewhere.

Odds and ends

I felt my first earthquake today! I didn't even know it was an earthquake until it was over and I was reading about an earthquake that occurred at that time. There was a 5.0 quake at about 1:42pm this afternoon with an epicenter just north of Ottawa and effects were felt all over Southern Ontario and parts of the US. Here at home it felt like someone was walking heavily over the roof and there was a rumbling sound sort of like thunder. Over in Ottawa the effects were much stronger and buildings were evacuated.

Earthquakes in Eastern Canada are fairly rare; hopefully there won't be more of them.

Around the time the earthquake happened I was trying to figure out what happened to a package I expected to receive weeks ago. I ordered a vintage pattern on May 27 and it hasn't arrived yet, which I thought was strange. The seller has a tracking number and I checked it and the package has apparently been sitting in the Kitchener sorting facility since June 3. I called Canada Post and instead of delivering items immediately, they wait until the package delivery standard time arrives.

So if a package is supposed to be delivered in 21 days, they'll wait until almost 21 days has passed before attempting to delivery it. Similarly, if a package is supposed to take four to six weeks to arrive, Canada Post will wait to deliver it until at least four weeks have passed. It doesn't matter when the package arrives at the sorting plant.

How ridiculous is this? Canada Post, you suck.

Also, I'm not allowed to try and trace the package. The seller has to contact the US Postal Service who will then track the package. The fact that they apparently tried to find out if Royal Mail (in the UK) had scanned the package does not fill me with confidence, however. Canada and the UK are not at all the same country.

I'm concerned that something's happened because I know that my postal delivery worker doesn't leave the attempted delivery thingy on my door until the day after the delivery attempt, if I'm not home. I paid a ridiculous amount of shipping for it to take this long to arrive. Sigh.

Finally, I wanted to talk about yesterday's post, because I didn't explain myself very well. Getting excited isn't always good for me, especially if I'm disappointed afterwards. But excitement isn't bad in and of itself; it's only bad when it prevents me from sleeping. When I'm physically tired I'm not able to handle emotional ups and downs. Emotional extremes do leave me feeling tired and if I'm already physically tired, the extra emotional tiredness is too much for me.

So when I say that I'm thinking about tranquilizers for part of this process, I mean that I need to take something so that I sleep when I'm excited so that I don't stay up all or half the night being excited (which is what happened this last time). I've tried to do meditation then but my excited thoughts are out of control and just keep interrupting.

I have no intention of taking tranquilizers all the time or even every night because I don't like them. However, my goal is to make sure that I get the rest I need when exciting house-related stuff happens and if that means I take an ativan or klonopin before bed, then that's what I do. I've never taken sleeping pills - which might be the thing most people would take in this situation - and I don't want to start taking them when important house stuff is going on.

I do need to see my family doctor and when I see him, I'll ask him what else I can do or take to help me sleep and to better handle emotional ups and downs that can't be avoided. Maybe I should take sleeping pills in this case - but I'm not going to try them until he gives me the ok.

Looking for a house in exhausting

You know, the emotional highs and lows associated with looking for and buying a house sucks. I was so excited thinking that we'd found the right house and then I was just so disappointed when we found out that the house wouldn't work. I went from feeling excited and happy to a very deep low that persisted through today. The low was made worse by the fact that I was so tired; I didn't sleep well when I was excited about the house and then feeling that disappointed left me exhausted.

From this, I'm learning that it's much better for me to try and stay emotionally even. The emotional ups and downs aren't good for my mood and I end up physically and emotionally exhausted from which it takes me a while to recover. I don't have the extra energy to go through this, you know? Still, it's hard not to be excited about a house we like. Next time we see a house we like, I'm wondering if it would be better if I took ativan or klonopin (clonazepam) so that I don't get so excited or disappointed.

At least we're not looking at another house for two more days: we're viewing a property on Thursday. It seems very nice - in a nicer area than that other house was in - backing onto a ginormous greenspace/conservation area and only a ten-minute walk from the park that we love. This place is also close to a grocery store and to the highway. It was built in 1969 so it's as old as I am and seems to be updated. We'll see. One problem we know of is that it has the oven and cook-top separated and the oven might be too high for me but I hope that won't be a major issue.

In a lot of ways it was great to not think about houses today. Instead, I got my hair cut for the first time in nine weeks - it was shaggy! I also got a chance to do some grocery shopping, so we actually have some food and vegetables (and diet soda in a couple of flavours) in the house again. And I did the laundry so we have clean clothes, too. It's easy for me to let things go and I was happy to do some catching up today.

Tomorrow I plan to take it easy, although I'll need to do some dishes and make some yummy dinner with the food I bought.

Well, that didn't work out

We did not put an offer in on that house. You know, if we keep getting this excited about houses, by the time we finally do get a house we'll be totally cool and nonchalant about the whole thing.

We met with the realtor at the house this afternoon and went through the place. It turns out that the house wasn't built by a builder but just some guy who hired sub-contractors to do the work. Worse, the house wasn't registered with Tarion, the organization that regulates new home building, enforces the provincial new home building act, and backs new home warranties. Apparently the guy was willing to offer us a warranty, but what would that be worth if it wasn't backed by the regulatory body?

For all we know, this house was the best-built house possible. But the guy didn't register the house and to us, not registering the home with the right organization means that the guy cut some corners and we just weren't willing to take the chance that other, more serious corners were cut. After all, we already knew that the front steps were weird because there was no handrail and that the drainage in the back might be a problem. It's entirely possible that the guy didn't get an engineer to figure out how to grade the yard so that drainage wouldn't be a problem, and that worries us.

Really, the moment where we figured that something was off was when we saw the cut-out window area above the basement stairs. We want basement stairs because we want to cut off the basement from the rest of the house and having a cut-out there defeats that purpose. It turns out that the cut-out was there because there is no light on the stairs. All the light comes from the bottom of the stairs and through that cutout. That just isn't right.

Also, we looked and looked for the attic access panel and finally found it in the garage. I mentioned before that it was a cathedral-ceiling garage, right? Well, at the door to the house from the garage, there was a platform with some stairs. The attic access panel is located 15ft over those stairs close to the platform side. It's a tricky place to get to by ladder because it would be uneven.

We really wish that this house worked out because we did love the layout. But there were all these little things that just weren't right... and they were just the things we could see. Because the whole house is finished, we can't see what things are like behind the scenes. What if there were other, more serious, code violations? What if there was water damage in the basement already? Apparently basements don't usually get finished for at least the first two years so that if there is water damage, it can be found and dealt with without taking apart the finishing.

As first-time home-buyers who don't know much about homes, we need to be extra-careful about what we buy. We don't have the expertise to deal with a lemon and we don't have the money to fix up an expensive lemon. Knowing what we do about the house, we felt that putting in an offer wasn't the right thing for us to do.

Even if the house had been built by a builder and there weren't weird things about it, it was definitely overpriced. It didn't have the amenities that a house at that price should have and at the asking price it was by far the most expensive house on the street. We would have made an offer considerably under the asking price and there's no guarantee that this offer would have been accepted.

So the search continues. We've been looking for such a long time and we're both feeling a bit discouraged. At least we know that the house we want is out there... we just have to find it. We're very picky and have unusual requests so of course it'll take longer to find the right place.

One good thing that came out of today is that we were able to sit down with our realtor and read over the offer paperwork and talk about what's involved in putting in an offer. We both feel much more knowledgeable about the process now. We also feel that our realtor did a really, really good job getting together the information we'd need and in explaining things to us. We're confident that when the right house does come along we can trust her completely to represent us.

I think this really is it

We finished watching From Hell today. It was a really good movie! It gives an interesting explanation and suspect for the Jack Ripper murders that apparently has little basis in reality... but it's still an intriguing and engrossing tale and movie. The latter two-thirds of the movie have much less gore than the first third. If you enjoy suspense or thriller movies, this one's for you.

Of course, being the weekend, we did go to a couple of open houses. There was nothing we wanted to see yesterday but we saw two places today. One was totally wrong: it was in Breslau near the local airport and didn't have a basement. We were actually really lucky to get there when we did because there was an airshow going on this weekend and traffic was really backed up headed that way right after we got there.

We love love love love the second house we saw. It's down by Chicopee hill, near Fairview Mall, which is the other big mall in the city. There's a huge, fantastic park area right nearby with lots of trails and areas to explore. There's a grocery store (and the local Fabricland!) about a ten-minute walk away, too. After exploring this area a bit, we've decided that we love it so if this place doesn't work out, we'll keep looking in that area.

The house we love is a two-year-old, 1800sq ft bungalow with lots of room and a finished basement with eight or nine foot high ceilings. It has everything we want with living areas separate from sleeping areas, a big kitchen, and a place to put a big entertainment area (the basement). The house is kind of a "reverse" walkout with the backyard sloping more towards the front yard. In fact, the backyard has a big slope going up behind the house; the slope continues up to the top of the hill and there are houses up there. There are no houses directly behind this one, though. It's a hilly area, being kind of one side of Chicopee.

Our biggest concerns about the house are the drainage in the backyard with that slope (we don't want a swamp there during the spring runoff season) and the steps in front. There are quite a few steps in the front and currently there's no handrail. I think it's possible to build a ramp there and I'm sure that putting handrails won't be a problem. We can always enter through the cathedral-ceiling garage if we have to - there's a railing there. :)

We're going to see the place again with our realtor tomorrow at lunch to make sure we still like it and that we're not crazy wanting to put an offer on it. There's apparently an offer on the house that's contingent on the offerees selling their own place, which hasn't happened yet. I guess that puts us in a multiple offer situation because I assume that if we put in an offer, the people with the current offer will have a chance to modify or remove their offer and it's possible that we could get into a bidding war.

What's funny (or sad) is that this house has been on the market for quite a while and I've been watching it and liking the idea of it - the pictures do not do this house justice - since it showed up. It's just that we haven't been looking at that area of the city so we didn't know how much we'd love this house or this area.

So here's hoping that things go well tomorrow: that we still love the house and that the offer process goes well.

Another long walk and part of a movie

I managed to get Ian to go on a long walk with me this evening. Usually we just walk around the neighbourhood but this time we went a bit further afield. I was surprised that he was willing to go for such a long walk since he'd done work around the house earlier but he wanted to get out. It turned out to be a really nice evening: clear, with a bit of a breeze.

When we got home we flopped on the couch and ate some ice cream. We've been working our way through the new Compliments Sensations ice cream flavours; tonight's new flavour was peanut butter, and it's yummy, if a bit sweet. It has little chocolate-covered peanut butter cups in it. The base ice cream used for each flavour is quite tasty, I must say.

We started to watch From Hell, a movie based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore, on tv. We got through about an hour of it but we were very tired from our walk and decided to go to bed and finish watching it in the morning.

The movie is the story of a clairvoyant detective who is investigating the Jack the Ripper murders. I hadn't realized how grisly the Jack the Ripper murders were, what with all of the abdominal mutilations. The movie is quite honest in its portrayal of the women the Ripper preyed on (aside from the fact that they were too clean). Their life was very hard and the movie shows that rather unflinchingly. The movie is also definitely not suitable for children: there's gore and full-frontal female nudity. So far, the movie has been quite good and I'm looking forward to seeing the end tomorrow.

What a beautiful day

So that's it; after today I'm not a RIM employee. I'm happy that this day has come and is just about gone, although things don't really end for another month - that's when my benefits will end and when I'll receive my severance payout.

When my benefits expire I can buy medical/dental benefit coverage from the insurance company. I'm waiting to hear back from the contact person at RIM about the cost of purchasing the coverage and what coverage I'd have. If it isn't too much and I'd have at least medical and dental I'll go ahead and purchase the benefit coverage. I'm covered by Ian's benefits but as far as I'm concerned, the more coverage, the better, especially because I don't know what costs I'll have going forward.

Because today is sort of a "big day" I didn't just want to sit around and wallow; I wanted to do something. Luckily it was a gorgeous day, all sunny and warm and nice and bright and beautiful. So I went for an epic walk - a two-hour walk to the newer subdivision just west of here and back. I thought that I'd walked a huge distance, because I used to walk about 5km/h, but it turns out that I only walked about 8km. That's still a pretty good distance considering that I've only been walking since the spring and that I haven't been walking since before I went to Atlantic City.

It really does feel good to be outside. I love getting the fresh air and feeling the warm sun and breeze on my sunscreened face. Right now, the limiting factors to how long I can walk are that my feet get sore and it's hard to carry enough water. I need to buy new walking shoes so my feet don't hurt, which is no big deal - it's the water that's really limiting.

Today I carried about a liter of water and it was just enough for me; I probably could have used just a bit more. Right now I just carry the water in one hand and I have the cane in the other. Maybe I should get myself one of those camelbak backpack thingies so that I have a free hand while walking. It would be more comfortable and I think that I could carry more water, although Ian thinks it would look silly. I'll have to look into different water options because I don't see my walks getting shorter... at least until winter.

Better, definitely better

I wallowed in self-pity over my soon-to-be unemployed status for most of this afternoon, until I got bored. It seems that I can only take so much of my own self-pity before it annoys and bores me. That's good, right?

So I don't have a job, and I'm unemployed... I've still got a paycheck and a good life. Besides, I didn't love the company I no longer work for, so not being employed by them shouldn't be that big of a deal. it's time to move on.

I'm feeling less tired, too, and more like doing something. I think I might actually be healing from the surgery, finally. The incision looks good and there isn't too much swelling around it. If I stretch my neck too much, things feel weird and I start having trouble breathing. Weird, huh? I'll talk to the surgeon about it when I see him in a couple of weeks.

Now that I'm feeling more human and all, I think it's just about time to sew again! I've still got that dress - the one I started before my trip - to sew up, and I've got some other great fabrics that I want to make into great outfits. Or just plain things to wear, anyways; they don't have to be great. Either way, it's time to start doing something other than just sitting around.

Sleepy, sad day

I was one tired puppy today. Yesterday was emotionally exhausting for me and I'm still feeling emotionally fragile.

I did contact the company who contacted the insurance company and a severance package payout is not considered income so I'll be able to keep it all. It won't be that much but it's better than the nothing which I was expecting. I could use the money to buy ourselves a nice couch or two for our new house whenever we get that.

Yesterday I was also given the name and email of someone at RIM who works with the insurance company; I have the option of buying my benefits coverage from the insurance company at some reduced rate. The person I talked to yesterday said that she couldn't tell me what that rate was (it's confidential). If the rate isn't too high than we would definitely purchase the extra coverage.

Tonight the head person at Ian's work threw a big party because some big-shot at the company is receiving an honorary PhD this week. And someone else got some kind of award. They brought in some circus people to do tricks and stuff and fed us while we mingled. Sadly, it wasn't that warm outside; a thunderstorm had just come through, the grass was wet, and there was a very cold wind blowing. It was fun seeing the people from Ian's office; I haven't seen them since the Christmas party a few months ago.

Tomorrow my plan is to do nothing at all to just rest and get used to things. feel like I need the time. Ian doesn't really get why I'm so upset about the work thing, and intellectually I know that there's no real reason to be as upset as I am. It's just that I'm having trouble transitioning to being unemployed and it also sounds like the team is doing exactly what I though it to be doing way back when I was there. If I had just become unemployed or the team was changing I'd have an easier time of it, but both things together are really hard for me to deal with. I really wish I could be with the team going through these changes, you know? But I can't - I can't work, and in fact I'm unemployed.

So for the next little while, I feel like I need to lick my wounds and take care of myself. If this means that I wallow in self-pity for a little while, so be it. I just need the time to get used to this new situation.

Bye, RIM

I got all the RIM property I had together and returned it to my contact person today. She was very nice and apologized for surprising me with the phone call that they were terminating my employment. I apologized for freaking out the way that I did, too.

We had a lovely chat. It turns out that there are changes happening within my team, including that my boss is no longer managing the team. This is leading to lots of good things happening on the team and within the rest of the company. I still wish that I could return to work because the leadership and team they have now are working exactly the way I'd been working before. If I could work, I think I'd love it there now whereas before there was no way I could have worked there.

I will be receiving a severance payout in about a month. I forgot to ask whether the payout would work with my LTD benefit. Normally, LTD doesn't allow me to make income and if the severance package is considered income, I'd have to pay it all back to the insurance. I sent a message to the person I met with today to find out.

I felt so sad when I left the meeting, because it means that I really won't be going back to work, even though I still want to. I left the car at Ian's work and cried and cried and cried... I'm still crying. I don't feel rejected, exactly, but I do feel like I'm grieving and mourning for the life I had until recently. It's all real now that I won't go back to work. I've taken Ativan but I'm still crying so I figure that I'll take it easy the next few days and just be gentle with myself.

This and that

We did go to see a house yesterday that had a main floor master bedroom and a loft. The great room was gorgeous, as was the kitchen, but the main floor master bedroom was located right off of the great room, beside the kitchen. That would never work for us because we want the sleeping and living areas separate from each other.

There's a house for sale by owner that's very similar to the place we saw yesterday. I'd like to see it, but we don't know how to put in an offer on a house for sale by owner... or even if we'd want to do that.

I had a follow-up appointment with my regular surgeon this morning in Oakville and so I spent the night with Ian's parents. We ended up watching the Tony awards. I've watched a lot of award shows but never the Tonys - they were great! I loved the songs from the musicals and of course I loved the dresses :) The whole production felt so much more relaxed and upbeat than award shows lately. Plus the show managed to end just about on time, even if the acceptance speeches at the beginning were longer than those at the end.

Tomorrow I return my RIM property to the company and pick up my severance letter and stuff. I don't expect the appointment to take that long but I'm finding myself feeling a bit sad about the relationship with the company coming to an end. I didn't always like it there - ok, I really hated some things there - but I felt more secure being employed. And some part of me has thought that I'd go back to work, that I'd be well enough to go back. I still feel that way... but now, if I ever actually feel like I could work, I don't have anywhere to go back to.

Weekend open houses

If it's the weekend, we must be seeing open houses. We went to see two different houses today: both houses had a split entry, where when you walk in there's a landing and you can go either up to the main level or down to the basement. We have this theory that if the landing was big enough to have a coat closet that this type of entry might work. Of course we have no idea whether or not this theoretical layout actually exists.

Even if the split entries were big enough (and they weren't), neither house was right for us. The first was just too small with no room for a sewing room and the second was fugly. It was so awful; both of us walked in and wanted to run away from the house. Smokers had recently lived there and we could see the smoke on the walls and we could smell it everywhere. It also looked like there was a water problem in the basement. The lot on this house was huge, though, and it's in a great area. The best thing to do with this house would be to demolish it and start over.

We actually saw another house earlier this week that we liked. The biggest problem was that it had a very musty smell, especially in the basement. This smell could have been due to the very old carpet - when was purple shag carpet last available? - but we didn't want to take a chance on buying the house and finding out that the problem is more than just the purple shag carpet. This house had great bones and if it had been updated would have been fantastic. But we just couldn't take a chance.

We're planning on looking at a couple of houses tomorrow as well. We think that one probably won't be right because the master bedroom is right off of the great room and the other one probably won't work because it's a house up for private sale. We figure that it's worth seeing houses that probably aren't right to learn more about what is right for us and to see details that might work when we decorate our house.

Results

So the results are in: the mediastinal nodes are enlarged due to sarcoidosis. The surgeon biopsied the three of the four enlarged nodes that were below the neck and they all showed sarcoidosis.

At least it's not cancer... although to be honest, more cancer would be easier to deal with than a second systemic illness that looks exactly like cancer on scans. But then more cancer would be worse in terms of life-time prognosis. So I guess I'll be around for a long time but have to do more biopsies when things show up on scans. That's a good thing.

I need to see a respirologist to figure out treatment for these enlarged nodes. the main treatments for sarcoidosis are steroids. Personally, O'm not a fan of taking steroids because the main side effects are acne, weight gain, and mood changes. I'm already bigger than I want to be and I already take antidepressants; I don't need steroid "help" in either area.

Sometimes sarcoidosis is left untreated because it goes away on its own. Since I don't have a cough or too much shortness of breath I'm hoping that we'll just leave things as-is or not have to take steroids for very long.

Tomorrow's a big day

I thought about sleeping as late as I could today but then I figured that I should set an alarm so that I woke up before Ian got home.

I set my alarm for 2pm and that's when I got up. :) I was sort of awake before that because there were landscaping people making noise but I was ready to go right back to sleep. Believe it or not, I'm still very tired.

Tomorrow I see my oncologist for my biopsy results. Ian's coming with me since this is a fairly important appointment; the biopsy results determine whether or not a treatment change is in order. I don't feel especially nervous about the appointment but subconsciously I'm probably a little scared. That would definitely contribute to my being so tired.

I'll let you know the results and how the rest of the appointment went tomorrow. I hope the results are in and are definitive; just having results is so much better than living in this limbo-land.

More about the book, and sleep

Ian still thinks that I should read the book... and I feel quite strongly about NOT reading the book. In fact, I feel quite angry about having been sent this book at all. I guess I'm feeling strongly about this book because next week my employment with RIM is being terminated by them, I'm taking up all my resentments and anger that I have towards them and focusing it on this book. I feel like they're kicking me to the curb and I resent them sending me a book on how great the company is. A great company, in my mind, might have handled this situation better... or this situation wouldn't have come up at all.

I probably wouldn't have felt quite as strongly if I there wasn't this juxtaposition of me being terminated and a book about how great the Blackberry is... if I'd received something else or the book was about something else, I might feel less strongly about it. Maybe.

I might also feel better about this book if I wasn't so tired. I'm still exhausted... I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I am so very tired. We thought about going out to get some yummy food but the thought of putting real clothes on is overwhelming to me. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

At least my incision is healing well. There's still some puffiness and swelling behind it and it's still a bit tender and itchy, but it's healing well. Maybe more sleep will help it heal better... another good reason to sleep in as late as possible tomorrow.

Home and tired

I think I overdid it while I was away because I'm exhausted now. I'm so very tired and I'm finding myself falling asleep while sitting in front of the tv. Of course I was only a week out of surgery when I went and the incision still isn't fully healed, plus I spent a lot of time in the sun over the weekend. Looking at all that it's no surprise that I'm so tired now. My body was trying to heal and I gave it too much to do and that's catching up to me now.

While I was away, Ian got a notice about a package that needed a signature for delivery. He signed the card and left it for the delivery person and it was waiting for me when I got back. I was expecting a pattern to come with signature confirmation but he said that it didn't look like a pattern. Plus it said "book" on it.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the package and it's the book Blackberry: The Inside Story of Research In Motion by Rod McQueen. I guess these RIM execs got themselves a book written about how they created RIM and wanted to share the book with all of their employees. Since I'm a RIM employee until the end of next week, I'm a "lucky" recipient of this book. Their book sales must look awesome if every employee got one. Way to toot your own horns, Mike L and Jim B.

If it's so important that employees read about how great RIM is, why didn't we get the last book that was written about the company: BlackBerry Planet: The Story of Research in Motion and the Little Device that Took the World by Storm? RIM looks so great on the outside but on the inside it's got serious problems. I expect that if a book telling the inside story ever gets written, each employee won't be given one for free. They'd deserve one just for working there.

I'd rather have received a nice bag or jacket or something useful instead of a book about the company. Ian said that I should read it since I have it now but I don't know... we'll see. I have other books I chose for myself that I want to read before I get to this extended press release.

My trip to Atlantic City

As you know, I was in Atlantic City this past weekend. Atlantic City is like Vegas' smaller sister: there are a bunch of resort-style casinos located in groups along a boardwalk instead of all together along the Strip. These resorts are much smaller than the ones at Vegas and aren't all connected with inside paths, but they're nice. Smoking is allowed in designated areas of the casinos, some hotel rooms, and outside.

Getting to Atlantic City is no easy feat. I heard that they're trying to get more people to go there and if that's the case, they'd be well-advised to have more direct flights to and from their airport. I got there by flying to Philadelphia, taking the train to the main train station, and then taking a train to Atlantic City. Traveling by train is one of my favourite ways to go - I love seeing the land pass by.

When I arrived in Philadelphia, I had no US money with me but I figured that I'd see a bank machine or ticket machine on the way to the train platform. I didn't see either one so I asked someone waiting for the train about paying for the ticket. She told me that tickets are purchased from the train conductor and that if I didn't have the money, they'd just fill out a form and I could pay at the main station.

She also said that if there were any problems, she'd just pay my fare! She ended up not needing to do that because they did have me fill in a form and I did pay the fare at the station. Even if she'd had to pay for me it would only have been $7USD. But still, I was so touched by her generosity; her offer meant so much to me because I was worried about how I was going to pay. What a nice thing to do for someone! I feel like I should pay that offer forward somehow.

My friend picked me up at the Atlantic City train station and we drove to the hotel. We stayed at the Showboat, a New Orleans-themed hotel. Well, they called it "New Orleans" but really it was more a Mardi Gras theme. They even had a very loud, energetic, parade of performers circle around the casino floor three times a day. They stop right beside the check-in desk at 3:30pm. Coincidentally, that's when we checked in.

The noise made it kind of hard to hear the person behind the desk tell us that we weren't supposed to be in that line, and it made it harder for her to hear from her manager that she was supposed to take us because we were the group they were expecting. Fortunately, the person behind the desk was well able to convey her feelings about having to check us in when she didn't want to do it even though she could barely be heard above the din.

The group of us were supposed to get rooms near each other but we ended up spread out on different floors. The front desk person said that they could only "try" to get us together and they couldn't promise that we would be near each other. I'm thinking that this particular front desk person might not have tried as hard as another one would have. Not that it matters; it would have been nice to be near each other but being all over the place was ok, too.

The rooms themselves were quite spacious and every one had a view of the ocean. The tub was deeper than most hotel tubs and I was able to have a really good soak in it. The bed was also comfortable. Strangely, my king-size bed didn't have a fitted sheet and only had two double-sized pillows. Usually king-sized beds come with several king-sized pillows and have sheets that fit all the way to the end of the bed.

The major problem with the room was sound-related. Every room we saw had a connection to the room next to it; the connection doors were right across from the bathroom doors in each room. There didn't seem to be any insulation in the doors or anything so every time the next room door opened, I thought someone was coming into my room.

Also, when I was in the bathroom - whether or not my bathroom door was closed - I could clearly hear my neighbours. And by clearly hear them, I mean that I could hear everything they said in the room or did in the bathroom. For example, one of the guys did a fine a-cappella version of some popular songs while he showered. My appreciation for his singing was somewhat diminished by the fact that I'd had to listen to him grunting on the toilet only moments earlier, however.

I've stayed in rooms with connections to the neighbouring room before and I've never heard my neighbours so clearly. At least the neighbour room was occupied for only the first night and I had ear plugs with me

The boardwalk is one of the features in Atlantic City and I spent quite a lot of time walking there. On one side of the boardwalk is the beach and ocean and on the other are tourist-type shops. If a person didn't want to walk, they could be pushed in a rolling chair (for a fee). Closest to the casinos there are some decent food places but mostly the shops are filled with almost identical selections of poorly-made clothes that get destroyed in one wash and knick-knacks. The most original and varied pieces in the stores were the bongs. There were a lot of those.

There was a mall with restaurants and good shops near Caesar's and just up the road there are outlet stores. I'd thought about going shopping but I decided that I didn't need anything, really. Besides, there weren't that many stores in the mall and the outlet shops were all freestanding and it was so hot out that I didn't want to have to go from store to store.

When I wasn't with the group, I spent a lot of time walking along the boardwalk. On Friday morning I walked to the end of the boardwalk away from the casinos to see what the "real" Atlantic City was like. The buildings were fairly run-down and the boardwalk itself was badly maintained. Near the casinos the boardwalk is very well maintained and there's no rotted wood but away from the casinos part of the boardwalk was completely torn away.

While I walked along the boardwalk I couldn't resist the pull of the ocean. Watching and listening to the waves is very relaxing and each time I walked on the boardwalk I spent some time getting my feet wet in the ocean. I'm not a swimmer and the water was cold but I love the feel of the little waves crashing over my feet :) I also played the slots when I had some time but I don't like gambling all that much - I don't like to lose money - so when I got to a point that I won back my money, I cashed out and stopped. I prefer to be out walking over gambling.

Thursday night we had a bite to eat and then walked along the boardwalk for a while, just to see the sights. We poked around in the shops and wandered around. Some people gambled and went to the bar after that but I decided to get some rest as I'd been traveling most of the day.

Friday night we went out to a buffet dinner after hanging out in one person's room. I didn't really eat enough to justify the buffet but it tasted ok. After dinner I had some trouble sleeping so I went for a walk down the boardwalk - the casinos are open 24 hours and there are people out all the time - and when I got back I felt extremely nauseous. I think something from dinner didn't agree with me. I ended up awake very, very late.

The next day we thought it was going to rain and thunderstorm in the afternoon so we all decided to go to the nearby (about 30-45 minutes away by car) town of Wildwood. There's a boardwalk there, too, with better stores and restaurants along each side. We figured that we could duck into the stores if the rain came.

One person had done some exploring early in the day and had driven herself to this town. The remaining six of us had two cars available but the drivers of those two cars decided that the drive wasn't that long and so it would be silly to have to take three cars back. They figured we could all scrunch together in one five-seat car to get there. I ended up in the back with three others, half on the seat and leaning on the front passenger's headrest. Somehow this position made my feet go numb a couple of times and my adjustments started a cascade of other adjustments by my companions.

Thankfully, we arrived at the town in the right number of pieces. When it was time to leave, I went with the other driver and two other people. It was a much more comfortable ride back.

Most of the others were hungry and went to eat in a pizza place but I still wasn't feeling well from the night before and couldn't bear the greasy smells. I went looking in nearby shops to see if there was anything interesting there but bought nothing. When everyone was done eating, we walked down the boardwalk. Even though the forecast had called for rain and thundershowers, no rain fell and no thunder boomed. We spent the afternoon under the very hot - well over 30C - sun without any relief from it. I hadn't brought my hat with me so I had to buy another one there.

At one point during out walk, we had a choice to go straight to the parking lot or to take a detour down the midway (there was an amusement park there). Several of us (including me) were exhausted from being in the heat for several hours but some people - including the two drivers - really wanted to see that part of the boardwalk. Those of us who went straight to the parking lot ended up sitting and waiting for a while.

We got back to the hotel not quite two hours before our 7pm dinner. This didn't leave much time to rest and get ready since it took about 25 minutes to get to the restaurant, but it was long enough for me to have a bath at least. The Saturday night dinner was the only thing we'd really planned because a couple of people who lived nearby wanted to drive in and join us.

We went to Continental for delicious global tapas. Tapas are usually a Spanish thing; they're like appetizers that you share. It's a great way to eat if you've got a big group because you can order and try a bunch of different things. This place had tapas-sized items from all sorts of cultures and they were delicious. They also apparently had very yummy drinks.

After dinner I decided to go back to the hotel because I was very tired after not sleeping well the night before and having been out in the sun all day. We'd made vague plans to have breakfast the next morning and someone was going to drive me to the train station. Unfortunately, I couldn't reach the person by texting her so I didn't see anyone that last morning. I went for a walk along the boardwalk instead and took a taxi to the train station.

I'm so happy to be home. It was good to get away and see people but it was even better to come home.

Home!

I'm home now. It was fun to see everyone but I'm very happy to be home. Right now I'm really tired so I'll save the detailed description of my weekend for tomorrow, but I wanted to let you know that I made it home.

Getting ready to go away

It smelled so nice this morning and I thought that it would be great to go out walking, but then it started to rain. And rain. And rain. It's been pouring all afternoon, and while I know I won't shrink in the rain, I don't really want to be out in it.

Besides, I had to do laundry and pack because tomorrow morning I'm heading to Atlantic City. For some reason there are no flights from Toronto to Atlantic City so I'm flying direct into Philadelphia and then taking the train downtown and then to Atlantic City. The flight is only an hour and a half long and the train rides are just over an hour combined but the train schedules don't really connect all that well. At least the traveling part is easy and having an hour or so to wait between trains isn't such a bad thing.

I'm really looking forward to this trip. I'll be seeing friends that I haven't seen for about six months now. So much has happened since then and it'll be relaxing and awesome to connect with them again. This is going to be great :) We know we're having a big dinner with some other people on Saturday and we could also go and see some different shows each night... who knows exactly what we'll do? Aside from talk and laugh and giggle and be together, that is.

Because I'll be out of town and won't have my laptop with me, I won't be updating my blog until Sunday or Monday. I hope your weekend is as good as I think mine will be!

One very lazy day

I think I overdid it yesterday. I remember finishing my walk and my chest feeling weird, almost as though I could feel where the lymph node biopsy had been taken.

I was also feeling sleepy today so I decided to take it completely easy. Even though it was a glorious day outside, I didn't go for a walk. I miss going for a walk .... it's so wonderful outside with the sun and the breeze and the growing things. I ended up feeling a little frustrated and sad later on in the day and I wonder how much the lack of a walk had to do with that mood change.

I also didn't do any sewing today. I thought about doing some sewing but I figured that if I started sewing, I would rush to try to finish it before I go away this weekend. I know me - it's exactly the kind of thing I would do even, though I don't need to actually finish anything before the weekend. Sure, it would be nice to have the dress for the weekend but I don't need to be done then; my plan is to have this and other dresses for the summer. There's no need to stress myself out over finishing the dress. Next week (or the week after) is good enough.

This evening Ian and I did some errands. I bought myself a lovely sunhat for my walking adventures. I walk a lot these days, as you know, and I also know that I'll be outside walking in Atlantic City. No matter where I'm walking I like to wear a hat to protect my face and neck from the sun. Normally I wear sunscreen and/or a SunVeil to protect my skin from the sun. I've decided to bring the SunVeil on my trip because I don't feel comfortable applying sunscreen over the incision  site. I'll be so stylin', wearing my big straw hat and sunveil while walking down the Boardwalk. :)

Speaking of my incision site, it's healing well. There's still a huge bump under the incision but I think it's going down just a bit. The little scabby bits are coming off fairly easily, too, and the edges of the incision are mostly staying together. This is a very good sign: I scar the worst when the incision edges don't meet while healing.

I won't be able to be quite as lackadaisical tomorrow because I need to get ready for my trip and that includes doing laundry. I do hope to go for a walk (wearing my hat and sunveil) to calm myself down and keep my mood even before I leave. I'm very excited about the trip and to see the people who will be there. I may not sleep so well tomorrow night :)

Back to normal, sort of

I meant to do a blog post yesterday but when it came down to a choice between doing my blog and having a bath, I chose the bath.

I did get started on my dress today: I put together the bodice and Ian helped me fit it this evening. The advantage to fitting the bodice first is that the bodice goes to the waist and so when fitting it, I had to make sure that the waist seam stayed in the right place. If the skirt was attached it's harder to make sure that the top is right. The skirt will be fairly easy to sew and fit once I've made the changes to the bodice.

Luckily, I don't need to add anything anywhere: I need to take it in a bit to do some shaping so that it's less boxy and more under the bust, and it turns out that I added a bit too much to the bust point, so I'll take that out. Because this is a sundress with straps, less ease is needed through the bust and shoulder (which means that I also need to shorten the straps slightly).

I need to take the back in because my back is narrow and straight, and I need to adjust for the swayback that I have. I wasn't sure if I actually had a swayback or not because I've never tried to fit just the top before. My high hip is big in comparison to normal and it's possible that it was causing the swayback problem. Nope... I have an actual swayback problem in addition to my full high hip.

I'm looking forward to finishing this dress - I really like the way it's coming together and I think it's going to look great. I'm looking forward to doing this in a variety of fabrics. And I'm really excited about being able to make the right set of changes to other patterns so that I can make some other cute summer dresses.

After putting the bodice together I went for a walk. It was probably too long at about an hour and a half but it was quite relaxing. I discovered a cleared field in what I thought were just woods today which was interesting. My incision still has a huge bump under it that can be quite uncomfortable, especially if I get short of breath. And when the sweat rolls into the incision it feels like salt in a wound, you know? :)

As I get better and better I'm looking forward to going on longer walks in this and other neighbourhoods. It's so nice outside and I love being out in the fresh air just walking and thinking my thinks. I used to always take music with me but now I just listen to the sounds around me. The other advantage of going for longer walks is that I can get in better shape and possibly lose some weight.

Incision and sewing updates

I took the dressing off of the incision today. It had been on for three days and that should be long enough. I was wrong about the size of the incision: it's actually about 2 1/2" long. That's still long and it really does kind of look like an extra mouth was cut into my neck. The incision looks like it's healing just fine and the stitches are dissolving, I think. The sides of the incision are still together in most places and that bodes well for it healing into a nice-looking scar.

I think I need to cover the incision while I'm sleeping and then leave it open to the air again tomorrow. I know it's better to leave it open to the air so it heals but I woke up several times last night trying to scratch at the incision through the gauze because it had that "healing itch". I don't want to tear the incision open in my sleep and I don't know of another way to stop me from scratching at it other than covering it. I figure that as long as I leave it open to the air during the day it'll be ok.

I decided to use a different fabric for my dress because I just couldn't get the pattern to line up the way I wanted with my first choice. I ended up cutting out the pattern from this gorgeous fabric that I recently bought:

Stretch cotton large print fabric

I love this fabric! It's got a huge pattern on it with alternating solid flowers and dotted circles and I just love the bright colours against the black background. I first thought about trying to put certain parts of the pattern in certain areas (like the big, colourful flowers near the top and bottom, say) but then I said, "to heck with that" and just cut it out in the most efficient layout possible. I decided to do this because I liked the look of the fabric when I'd just hold it up and let it drop in folds and I figured the best way to get that look was to just cut it without trying to put certain features here or there.

This fabric is almost 60" wide and after cutting out my pattern I have nearly two yards of it left, so there's plenty there if I need to re-cut any pieces or if I want to make another style of dress or a skirt or something. I hope that the fabric looks as awesome made up as it does in my head :)

I also made one final change to the dress pattern. Instead of having the back skirt come straight down, I added an inch to the hem of each of the side back and center back pieces, putting the extra away from the sides of the skirt. Vintage skirt patterns have this extra fabric back there - straight skirts are straight in front and like an a-line in the back - and I find that this style is more comfortable when walking and it looks better on me. If for some reason this modification doesn't look right it's easy enough to remove. This alteration would be more noticeable on the other fabric but it won't even show on the fabric I decided to use.

We're going to look at some open houses tomorrow and I'm also hoping to at least baste the seams together to check the fit of this dress. If it fits, I'll cut out the lining and finish the dress. I hope it works!

Movie night and my incision

Tonight, Ian and some other guys got to move some furniture around at a friend's place and their reward was to watch a chick flick: Valentine's Day. It doesn't sound like much of a reward, does it? The guys didn't think so, either, but they watched the movie anyways.

We were surprised at how funny and generally good the movie was. It was actually fairly entertaining, if a little predictable. The story is about how a number of interconnected people celebrate or hate Valentine's Day. Some are happy, some not; some find love and friends, some don't; in the end, all the stories are resolved and almost everyone ends up happy. The movie is quite long at just over two hours but doesn't feel as long as it is. This, plus the fact that everyone (including the guys) laughed during the movie tells you that this is an ok movie.

If this movie happens to be on, go ahead and see it. There are much worse movies you can watch.

Before we went to the movie, I'd had a non-soaking bath and a nap. When I got up I found that the dressing covering my incision was soaked. I must have been sweating after the bath and it collected in the gauze.

We decided that leaving the wet gauze on the incision would be a bad idea so we took it off and put a new dressing on it. If there were steri-strips on the incision the dressing could have stayed off but of course those cause welts on me so it's better to keep the dressing on. Hopefully keeping the dressing on longer will mean that the scar won't be as bad as some of my other scars. This is actually a concern because this incision is HUGE!

Yes, it's huge. Ian says that it looks like they carved another mouth for me just below my collarbones, and he's right. The incision 3" long, which is wider than my mouth is (the "small mouth" comments aren't totally unfounded, you see). I'd love for this scar to fade away and be unnoticeable, especially since it's in such a visible spot. I do have exactly one surgical scar that's almost completely unnoticeable: the lumpectomy scar from 2006. I'm hoping that keeping the dressing on and then not soaking the incision in the bath until after the stitches dissolve will prevent the usual ugly scar from forming as it heals.

At least this incision gives me a built-in costume for Halloween: Frankenstein! All I'll need to do is draw a line all the way around my neck and draw in some extra stitches. Perfect!

Yesterday's events

I'm feeling ok today. The incision is quite sore, as is my throat, my neck is very stiff, I have a headache, and some of my muscles are sore too. I'm coughing up stuff, too, presumably from the bronchoscopy.

I promised I'd tell you more about yesterday, so here goes...

The surgery was scheduled for 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 10am for all the admitting stuff. We got there a few minutes early and checked in and the person set up my chart and printed a LOT of stickers with my name and details on them for use on everything. All the stickers they'd printed during pre-op couldn't be used, you see, because my patient number was different from pre-op to the recovery area.

We waited a few minutes and got taken to my bed in the recovery area so that the nurse could admit me. She said she had to put an IV in and I asked if she could possibly use my port. She said yes and called the IV techs. I was so excited - which was apparent to everyone. The thought of having them fuss with an IV would have been too much for me. I learned something from the IV tech, as well: the fluids can't just drip into the port, they have to go through a pump. Otherwise, the fluid can put too much pressure on the port.

After the IV was set up and I was changed into my lovely hospital gown, we waited and waited and waited. Eventually someone came by and said that the doctor was running early by about a half hour. This was very exciting news... but then it turned out that he got called up to help someone else and we started five minutes late.

Normally as they wheel you into the operating room, they make you take your glasses off. When the anaesthetist who was taking me found out that I couldn't distinguish faces without my glasses, he let me keep them on so that I could see everyone's faces when I met them. I really liked that; it made me feel much more comfortable. Of course it meant that I could see everything in the OR, but that was ok.

As we were waiting for the doctor to arrive, we were joking around about where I work. They had to check my mouth size for the tubes and I said that I had a kid-sized mouth. The nurse asked if my boyfriend minded (!) or if he was used to it... I had no answer. What do you say to that? Weird.

After that, the anaesthesiologist started injecting fentanyl into my IV... and I woke up in the recovery room with one of the worst headaches I've ever had. I was wearing an oxygen mask and for some reason the oxygen mask made the headache worse. The nurse put a cold cloth on my forehead and an ice compress on the back of my neck. I also started having pain in my incision and she gave my Dilaudid through the IV and Gravol in case I was nauseous. I found out later that they'd given me Zofran via IV and that this can cause migraines. I've taken Zofran by mouth before but never IV, so maybe it did give me a migraine.

I fell asleep and woke up to the XRay techs there to take my chest XRay. I wasn't expecting that but woozily complied with their requests to sit up and take a deep breath. I asked about the XRay later and was told that they do it because in some cases, the bronchoscopy can cause the lung to collapse or bleed. Fortunately, nothing was/is wrong with my lungs.

At this point my oxygen level kept dropping. It sits about 96% normally, which is a bit low but expected because of the Fentanyl patches, and they'd given me the Dilaudid, another narcotic that depresses respiration. So of course my oxygen level was low, so they put one of those oxygen nostril thingies on me and that kept it up.

When I was taken back to the regular area, Ian came to see me. They asked if I wanted something to eat or drink, which of course I did because I was starving and thirsty. They gave me a can of ginger ale, four crackers, a thing of grape jelly, and two digestive cookies. I ate and drank it all and then I fell asleep.

I woke up about three hours later, just after six, with Ian still at my side. I guess the nurse had come by to check my vital signs but Ian told them to just let me sleep. The nostril oxygen thingy was on me the whole time which helped me sleep. When I woke up, they checked my blood pressure and pulse and then got me to the bathroom. Once I did that, they called for the IV tech to disconnect the port and when that was done, I got to go. They faxed a prescription to my pharmacy for T3s - which is funny, because when they asked me what pain medications I didn't like, I said "codeine", which is the narcotic in T3s. So much for that.

Of course I had all that pink stuff on me when I came home; I guess it's some kind of sterilizing stuff. We were able to get most of that off pretty easily even though the nurse said it would be a while before that happened. I do have welts under where the heart monitor thingies were, so now I know that I'm sensitive to that adhesive, too. Sigh. I wonder if taking Benadryl before having to have these adhesives put on me would prevent these welts?

The usual instructions are to keep the dressing on for two days but the doctor told me that I should keep mine on for three days because there are no steri strips over the dissolving stitches. So I'll keep them on until Saturday, I guess. Until then I'm not allowed to submerge the gauze or stitches in water. I can still have a bath but I can't submerge myself the way I prefer to. Oh well. At least I can still have baths.

So that's it... it went pretty well, I think. Ian's been taking good care of me yesterday and today. He stayed with me all yesterday and was with me after I got up this afternoon. I slept until 1:15pm today and I expect to sleep more tomorrow and over the next few days as I heal. I'm looking forward to getting the biopsy results from my oncologist on June 11.

Home and in the pink

I'm home! And I'm pink! No, really, I'm pink. The stuff they use to clean and sterilize my skin is pink and takes a while to rub off. See?

See the lovely pink line on my chin? It continues
all the way down my chest and back. Not my
favourite look.

Aside from being pink, everything went well. I got home an hour or so later than I'd expected because I slept most of the afternoon instead of rushing home. I'm the least groggy I've ever been coming home from surgery, which is a nice change.

I'm still very tired and ready for some sleep, so I'll keep this short. I'll post a longer, more detailed post about today's adventures tomorrow.

Getting ready for tomorrow

I didn't cut out my fabric today. I took some time to pick out the fabric, and I decided on a cotton-lycra blend fabric in blues and greens that I bought a couple of years ago. I love the colour and the design but when I bought the fabric I didn't realize that the fabric pattern has a strong horizontal repeat. Since the pattern I'm using for this dress has bias-cut side panels I thought that this fabric would be less horizontal and would actually look good.

So I spent some time trying to figure out how to match the pattern along the seamlines. The width of a horizontal stripe turned on the bias (45 degrees) will always be greater than the width of the stripe in its normal horizontal position, so matching the two is difficult. The stripe is quite wide and there are about six of them (alternating light and dark) on the skirt. I can get about three of of the horizontal/bias stripes to work out but that's it, so I have to figure out where it's most important that the stripes match.

I decided that taking a break to give myself some time to think about and sketch this stripe match would be best, so I went for a walk. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day I ended up walking for nearly two hours! There's a wooded area over where we've been house-hunting that I didn't know about and I explored that area as well as some of the other streets that I didn't know. It was definitely the best thing I could have done for myself today... being out in the fresh air was soothing and comforting, especially with tomorrow being biopsy day.

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow's biopsy. At the moment I'm not all that concerned about what the biopsy results will be because I just want to know what's going on - no matter what the answer is, having an answer is infinitely better than not having an answer. I suspect I'll be more concerned about the results as I get closer to receiving those results, but right now I'm most concerned about the surgery itself. I wish there was a way to get answers without doing surgery because I really don't like going under a general anaesthetic and I also don't like the idea of an incision in my neck. I tend not to heal all that well, as you know, and the thought of having yet another ugly scar doesn't appeal to me.

Sigh. The end justifies the means in this case and I'm focusing all my energy on getting through tomorrow as calmly as possible. The surgery is scheduled for 1pm and is expected to take about an hour, after which I'll be recovering for a couple or three hours. I'm hoping to be home by 6ish so that I can begin to rest in my own house. Either Ian or I will let you know how things went with an update here sometime tomorrow. Thank you all for the good wishes and happy thoughts you've been sending me - I really appreciate all of them.