Thursday, August 17, 2006

Biopsy thoughts

I saw my family doctor today, and apparently my previous oncologist would not do a biopsy since the bone lesions are almost certainly breast cancer anyways. There was something about the previous radiation, too - either that I'd have to go there or that they'd have to get the records or something to find out what the actual radiation field was. My family doctor was happy that the biopsy is being scheduled, though, because it's clearly something that I want. So if I want it, he wants me to have it so that I feel better. He also said that if it came back inconclusive that they'd open me up to get a surgical biopsy of the bone under a general anaesthetic. I don't really want to have to do that.

So if many of the specialists are saying that the biopsy is unnecessary, why am I still going through with this? I don't like pain, and I know it's going to hurt like crazy, and it might not even give a definitive result. And even if it does give a definitive result, it's almost certainly going to be that the lesions are breast cancer, which is what everyone thinks they are anyway. Part of me just wants to back away from the biopsy and go ahead with the other treatments.

Except that there's this still, small voice inside me that is telling me to do the biopsy. This "voice" doesn't speak, exactly, but it makes different options feel different ways when I clear my mind and say each one. So the right thing to do has a particular resonance to it and I'm drawn to that, and something that's wrong is discordant and I feel like backing away from it. Sometimes things will just pop into my head and they'll have a good resonance to them, and I know that it's time to do those things. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm not crazy (weird, yes; strange, yes; but not crazy) :) This voice has been unfailingly right - it has always led me down the best path for me except when I've chosen to ignore it.... and those choices have always turned out quite badly. I know enough to do what this voice tells me, but I usually don't know why I'm supposed to do that thing until after it's done.

However, I've never really had a conflict between this voice and logic from other people before, and I'm finding that conflict very difficult to deal with. Maybe I just need the certainty that the biopsy (or surgical biopsy) will ultimately provide? That would certainly fit into the logical structure that's been created here. Either way, I'm going through with the biopsy, as scared as I am. I'm really glad that I'm not working right now, because all of this conflict and fear is making me very stressed, impatient, and cranky. I know that I'd be a nightmare to work with right now... it's better that I not inflict myself on the people I work with when I'm like this. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't have a hope of getting myself de-stressed :)

My doctor has referred me to a specialist for the oophorectomy (removing my ovaries). I see that doctor on September 25 for the initial consult. That should give us plenty of time to get the results. Things are definitely moving forward now.


Anonymous said...

That voice would be what I feel is Intuition. I've also learned it is always right, and when I don't listen is when things go horribly wrong. So listen to your own self and not to others, you know what is best for you, even if the logic isn't clear to everyone.

Love you forever,

Anonymous said...

So glad that you are listening to your inner voice! As you noted, it never is wrong and this is, after all, your body.

Hugs & Love
Aunt Margaret

Anonymous said...

To me listening to that inner voice is called 'doing what you know is the right thing', so it makes perfect sense - regardless of what the drs. &cetera say. So there.