Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Thinking about my mom

While I'd planned to see our dog today, I fell asleep and missed the window of opportunity for the visit. I feel bad because I'd wanted to see her before her surgery tomorrow but she'll be ok without me. Besides, when she comes home she'll be with us for a long time; it's not like this is the last time I'll be able to see her. At least, I hope that today wasn't he last time I could have seen her because that would be super-sad. I'm just not going to think about that.

I was pretty tired because I haven't been sleeping all that well lately. The anniversary of my mom's suicide is coming up and I'm feeling a bit stressed about it. I'm handling it and all the other stress pretty well with writing in my journal, meditating, checking in and finding out how I'm feeling, and doing things that make me happy. Even so, some things catch me by surprise.

Yesterday as I was leaving the humane society I happened to look in one of the cat rooms. There were three cats in the room: one was a calico that was sleeping in the litterbox. Normally cats don't sleep where they use the bathroom so to see a scruffy-looking cat sleeping like that and knowing that this was the closest thing to a comfortable box really bothered me. I started crying - and even now, thinking about that cat, I still start crying.

My mom had a really soft spot for cats. Her most favourite cat ever - Smokey - was a stray from the neighbourhood. Some kids came to tell her that other kids had cornered this cat in an old PCB barrel and were throwing things at it and my mom rescued that cat. Except for colouring (and gender, I guess), this calico cat could have been her favourite cat. There's also something about seeing the cats and wanting to bring them all home with me like my mom always wanted to do.

I miss my mom so much, even now. I miss my dad, too, and I didn't really start missing him until my mom died. Getting a dog is wonderful and I'm looking forward to it, but I wish my mom was here so that I could share it with her.

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