So I saw my family doctor today and he wants me to keep taking the higher painkillers. The pain hasn't gone away completely; it's definitely still there. Aaargh. He says that the main reason that I am so tired is the painkillers. I asked him about taking morphine, but he said that he would give me that later when the pain is more severe or when I'm on my deathbed. I'd heard that Fentanyl is available in oral tablets, but I don't think it's available here :(
I left feeling very discouraged. I really wanted to find a way to be less tired because even though I'm taking painkillers and have no estrogen in body, I figure that I should be able to be awake without the use of caffeine for at least 12 hours every day. Other people with mets manage to do this - why can't I? I know that I don't have anything to do in the sense that I'm not going to work every day, but I don't want to waste my life sleeping, either.
Thank you all for your suggestions about avoiding fatigue. Ian had a few suggestions, too, and I'll try those too. First, I will stop taking the clonazepam at night in the hopes that I'll be less groggy in the morning. Next, I'll incorporate the other suggestions.
I suppose I'm extra-sensitive about all this because a year ago yesterday was my first day off work for the surgery. So this is a kind of an anniversary time, and that's hard on me. I'm probably pushing to be more "normal" because I want to be more like the person I was a year ago. I know I'll never be that person, exactly, but I still want to be her. A year ago I'd expected to go back to work in about 4 months, because we all figured that we were dealing with a surprise tiny recurrence. And I'm still not at work and I don't know when or if I'll ever go back. I guess I'm doing some wallowing in self-pity just now. Don't worry; this will pass, but I have to recognize the significance of the date and what it represents for me.
My family doctor is willing to refer me to any oncologist I want. I need to find myself another one - if any of you know of a good one in the Kitchener-Waterloo area, please let me know.