A very long day

I saw my doctor today and we're going to try increasing my current antidepressant by 50%. He'd originally wanted to double it but it already makes me really tired. I'm sleeping quite enough these days (or at least I want to sleep a lot). We talked about how depressed I am and about how sometimes I end up feeling stupid. I know I'm not stupid, don't worry, but there are times when someone will say something or use a tone of voice that makes me feel stupid. This has been a sore point with me since I went back to school after my primary breast cancer; the treatments left me with lots of cognitive difficulties and I definitely wasn't the smart, quick person that I used to be. It was and is very hard to deal with that. Right now, with me being depressed, feeling stupid happens more frequently and is more upsetting than usual.

While we were discussing this I started crying and my doctor seemed to get really angry with me. He told me that I wasn't stupid and that I'd been through a lot, more than most people and other things. Actually, I have no memory of what he told me and Ian had to tell me afterwards. Ian said that he must have had some reason for raising his voice the way he did, that he must have been using some technique with me and that it was planned and all that. I don't really see how that was supposed to work, though. At the time, I felt hurt and frustrated that he wasn't getting it. Intellectually, I KNOW I'm not stupid, and it doesn't help to be told I'm not stupid by someone who doesn't make me feel stupid in the first place.

One problem with my depression is that my thoughts and behaviours are NOT AT ALL rational. I kind of came away from the appointment feeling like he wanted me to just snap out of feeling stupid, and to feel another way instead. If I could do that, I would, but it's just not that simple for me right now. I know that ultimately I will need to do things that help me react better in these situations, but I can't do that right now. I'm going to give my employee assistance program people a call tomorrow to see if I can get in for therapy. However, I also need the chemical help via antidepressants to make it possible for me to try to turn my thoughts around.

My doctor also wants me to get out in the sunshine during mid-day, especially as spring starts to spring. I guess I kind of have a prescription for sunshine :) He wants to see me next week and I have an appointment for Tuesday morning. We will also be talkign about my pain; I'm taking my long-term painkiller every 3 hours now, so it's time to bump the strength up again.

The rest of the day went much better :) I got some new walking and wearing-with-jeans shoes. I also got my teeth-whitening equipment from my dentist. I'm self-conscious about my yellowish teeth and have been sort of trying to whiten them by using over-the-counter products. They haven't really worked, but I think that this will. I see my dentist in two weeks to see whether or not it worked :) I can hardly wait :)

I had dessert with a new friend and then we went to play games. We played Apples to Apples and they played Bohnanza while I read the rules for Hoity Toity. I'm looking forward to playing Hoity Toity; it's new and I think it'll be fun. I was glad to get out and see people - I haven't seen them in a while and I've missed them. Yes, I'm depressed sometimes, but I can still go out and have fun and enjoy my life :) It was a very fun, if long, evening.