I've been quite busy over the last few days and so I haven't been sleeping well, leaving me feeling extremely tired. I've also been feeling a bit inadequate because Gozer isn't behaving well and I have no idea what I'm doing with her and I wasn't happy with the things I made in my metalsmithing class. And of course I'm still feeling sad about my mom. It was cold yesterday and I was flooded with memories of being in Edmonton after my mom died.
With all that going on it wasn't really a surprise that I had a huge meltdown last night. I started quietly crying in my bath and when I went to the other bedroom I started sobbing. I also started feeling like I was useless and that I couldn't do anything right. I knew that this was (and still is) a complete exaggeration but that didn't seem to matter at the time.
When I woke up I was still feeling very sad and still crying and I took half an ativan. I"m finally feeling better now. We spent some time this afternoon taking Gozer for a walk and then making some seasonal displays with branches and stuff Ian's mom gave me. Doing something creative helped me take my mind off of my perceived inadequacies, which made a huge improvement in my mood. Having a nap afterwards has also made a huge difference in how I'm feeling.
This evening Gozer seemed to want to play but didn't want to chase any of her usual toys. Ian brought out a small, quietly squeaky cow and she loves it. We've never seen her so attached to anything before! She made it squeak a little bit and then just carried it around with her. She even took it with her onto her ottoman and slept with it in her mouth - which was adorably cute, by the way. When we went downstairs she carried her cow with her and is sleeping contentedly on her cow (when it's not in her mouth, that is). Maybe she'll be calmer when we leave if she gets to sleep with the cow? I hope so.
Watching Gozer happily walk around with this little stuffed cow - with a cow foot on each side of her mouth - had me collapsing in giggles at just how cute she is. I may not know what I'm doing in raising a dog but I know how to love her and I want to make her happy. Watching her carry around the cow showed me that she's going to be all right, even if it takes a while for me to figure out how to train her. I'm not inadequate; I'm just learning. And it's ok to be sad when I remember last year.