Silly fears

I got up early today to drive to Mississauga. I saw my family doctor and the xray he did last week came back normal. That's good news!

I spent the afternoon resting, surfing the internet, and occasionally watching something on tv. It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. I'm finding myself quite tired now and will probably be going to bed early tonight. I've got a pretty big day tomorrow: I'm meeting some of the people from my breast cancer metastases mailing list for lunch.

I'm looking forward to meeting everyone tomorrow. At the same time, I'm a little nervous, because all of these people have mets like me (most have more extensive mets than me). I very much want to know them in person instead of just through email... but a small part of me is scared because meeting them in person will make it harder for me to deal with their deaths when they die. I probably wouldn't give this a second thought except someone in my in-person support group did just die.

I know that that fear is tremendously selfish. It's ridiculous to back away from meeting wonderful people just because it'll be harder on me when they die. It is silly to deprive myself of other people - both my life and their lives will be richer for us having known each other in person. Everybody dies, and so everyone I know will die (some may even die before I do)... and I wouldn't trade the people in my life for anything. I'd rather have known people well when they die than to have backed away from them because I was selfish and afraid.

This has given me insight into some people's reactions to this kind of disease, and that's a good thing.

OH!!!!! It looks like someone is commissioning a laptop bag from me. I'm quite excited :)