I had the colonoscopy today and it wasn't so bad. I mean, it's not a lot of fun, but the worst part during the procedure itself was getting the IV in. I have bad veins and they used a hand vein so it hurt both going in and when they gave me the sedative. The sedative put me to sleep so I didn't really notice what was happening. I think I remember being uncomfortable, but those memories are hazy. The results are normal - yay!
I also saw my family doctor today and he's upping my antidepressants a bit. I had that meltdown the other day, and more recently I've cried over things that most people wouldn't necessarily cry over. Ian also said that I was very agitated and not my relaxed self when he came back. My doctor told me that I have to cut down on the things I do. If this isn't proof that I can't do everything other people can do, I don't know what is.
Intellectually, I know that metastatic breast cancer comes with a "new normal". Emotionally, I'm having a hard time really accepting this - I want my old normal back instead, please. I want to do what other people can do. I want to be one of those people that CAN juggle everything.
Realizing that I'm not that person, and that I can't do everything I want to do, is really hard. I want those things sooooo much. I know that it would be easier if I could just accept this new reality instead of fighting with it, but I'm not that good at accepting. Hopefully the increased antidepressant together with my support groups and Ian will enable me to come to terms with this.