You know how you get to an age where all of a sudden you realize that you're not going to do X again? And you feel sad or melancholy? Well, it feels like that age has come early for me because of the cancer. I know everyone gets to go through this - it's most likely what people mean when they talk about a mid-life crisis. But still, it sucks.
The latest thing to hit me was grad school. Before I first had cancer, back when I was a math student, I'd planned to go to grad school once I finished the degree. But the cancer treatments left me with a lot of cognitive difficulties, and so when I went back to school afterwards, I really, really struggled. It was so hard to get through my courses that there was no way that I could have gone to grad school then.
After a while, when the cognitive difficulties started to fade, I started to think that I could maybe get an MBA or something. Last night I really realized that this wasn't going to happen.
Every time I have this kind of realization, I cry bucketfuls. It's like I have to mourn the fact that these things are closed to me now, and I don't like having to do that. Sigh. I have a lot of things to look forward to, and I'm not depressed, but it's hard to have to go through this kind of grieving process over and over again.
2 comments:
Hi,
That must be very hard to admit to yourself that grad school probably won't happen.
Do you feel it is mostly because of lingering cognitive difficulties? Or is it a financial matter? Or because of time constraints?
Love,
Vicki
p.s. Is it okay that I asked that here? Or should I be asking in an email?
Hi,
It is always hard to realize that a door is closed, unfortunately - I know it's a part of life, but it still sucks.
I won't be going because our plans will be to travel, and so I will want to put my money towards that. There are also time constraints (because I don't know how much time I have left). And I'm worried that I will have cognitive difficulties - I don't know whether it'll be as bad as before, but I guess that will depend on the treatments that I get.
Take care,
Love,
Chantelle
ps - of course it's ok that you ask here! Then everyone can see :)
pps - this doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about how people are going on with their lives and doing things I can't do. I do want to hear from you, because then I can live vicariously through you :)
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