You know how you get to an age where all of a sudden you realize that you're not going to do X again? And you feel sad or melancholy? Well, it feels like that age has come early for me because of the cancer. I know everyone gets to go through this - it's most likely what people mean when they talk about a mid-life crisis. But still, it sucks.
The latest thing to hit me was grad school. Before I first had cancer, back when I was a math student, I'd planned to go to grad school once I finished the degree. But the cancer treatments left me with a lot of cognitive difficulties, and so when I went back to school afterwards, I really, really struggled. It was so hard to get through my courses that there was no way that I could have gone to grad school then.
After a while, when the cognitive difficulties started to fade, I started to think that I could maybe get an MBA or something. Last night I really realized that this wasn't going to happen.
Every time I have this kind of realization, I cry bucketfuls. It's like I have to mourn the fact that these things are closed to me now, and I don't like having to do that. Sigh. I have a lot of things to look forward to, and I'm not depressed, but it's hard to have to go through this kind of grieving process over and over again.
That must be very hard to admit to yourself that grad school probably won't happen.
Do you feel it is mostly because of lingering cognitive difficulties? Or is it a financial matter? Or because of time constraints?
p.s. Is it okay that I asked that here? Or should I be asking in an email?
It is always hard to realize that a door is closed, unfortunately - I know it's a part of life, but it still sucks.
I won't be going because our plans will be to travel, and so I will want to put my money towards that. There are also time constraints (because I don't know how much time I have left). And I'm worried that I will have cognitive difficulties - I don't know whether it'll be as bad as before, but I guess that will depend on the treatments that I get.
ps - of course it's ok that you ask here! Then everyone can see :)
pps - this doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about how people are going on with their lives and doing things I can't do. I do want to hear from you, because then I can live vicariously through you :)
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