Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009... almost over

Finally, 2009 - and the aught decade - is behind us. This year has just sped by, it seems. I know I've said that a lot over the past year, but it's true: the year seems to have passed by without me noticing it. I think this has a lot to do with the sameness of my days this year; there's not a lot to differentiate a winter day from a spring day in my world.

Over the last few years, I've become even more of a homebody than I was before (whether from the pain or plain laziness), so I'm just not noticing the small things that mark time. You know, things like the first snowfall, or the leaves coming out, or the leaves just starting to turn, or whatever. When I was working I walked to and from work each day and I was very much in tune with the outer world.

One of these days we'll get ourselves a dog and that will help me to get out and see the seasons pass because the dog will need to be walked. I guess I could make myself go out for walks but after a while it gets easier and easier to stay home and it's hard for me to break out of my current habits. I need an impetus for change (like the dog). Maybe I'll try to get out a couple of times a week, if I'm not in pain.

Speaking of pain, this past year has been a year of increased physical pain in my hips and back, together with more fatigue. The problems with my hips had been sort of present for a while, but the pain really flared up this year to the point where I now walk with a cane everywhere I go. The pain and problems with my back have meant that I can't do all of the physical activities like bellydancing or curling that I used to, and it seems to have made me tired. I'd say that this new pain has definitely contributed to me drawing inward during the year.

The hardest thing about this year has again been dealing with the deaths of so many of my friends to cancer. Deb, Jen, LisaG, LisaP, and Sandy - I think of you constantly and I miss you so very much. I can't even type this without tears running down my face... you were all women that I respected and admired, and the world is not the same without you. I hate cancer.

Thinking about the people I've loved and lost this year - and this decade - is still something new to me. Grieving is a hard process and when you lose person after person after person that you love, the grieving process takes a lot longer. I will get through this, and in the meantime, if I'm curling up into myself to protect the parts that feel the emotional pain, well, that's ok.

Even though this hasn't been the greatest year ever for me, it hasn't been all bad. Because I can't do as many activities as I used to do, I've found other ways of enjoying myself.  I've been sewing a bit more this year, which I like, and I've also found video games that I like. You may think that's not important, but it is :)

I've also traveled more this year than in past years. Ian and I went out to BC and Washington for a couple of weeks, which I enjoyed very much. During that trip I got to see family that I haven't see in many, many years. I very much hope to see them again, even though I've been terrible at staying in touch with people. I've also been able to travel to see my support group friends a few times this year, which has been wonderful (if bittersweet). I'm very lucky that I have the ability to travel this way and to pick up and go whenever plans are made.

You know, I'd been feeling like 2009 wasn't a great year for me, and now that I've laid it all out for you, I see why that's the case. I am happy to see the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010 and I don't think I'm the only one that thinks this way. I hope that 2010 is better that 2009 and brings good health, prosperity, and much happiness to all of us. Happy New Year!

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