I've changed somehow and I don't know exactly when or how that happened. It used to be that if someone came into my home, I felt compelled to clean everything and put absolutely everything away so that the whole place looked perfect.
Tonight, a volunteer came over to learn how to make the head coverings I've been making. I didn't do any of the cleaning or tidying up that I used to do before she got here.
I guess it's not as important to me to present myself in a particular way anymore. Before, I think I was worried that people would look around at the way I live and somehow find me wanting. Now, what other people think of me isn't that important, and if my place is a mess or the dishes aren't done, well, that's ok.
This is big change, and it's a good one; I definitely prefer not getting all worked up about cleaning up or getting my house ready for a short visit by someone else. Plus I think it means that I'm finally at a point where other people's opinions about me are much less important to me - and that's definitely a good thing.
Another, smaller, change is that I've found a new favourite tv show: Say Yes to the Dress. This show chronicles the experiences of clients and consultants at Kleinfeld Bridal, an upscale bridal shop in NYC. It's interesting to see the process for selecting a dress and the different styles on different people. I also love the behind-the-scenes looks at the staff meetings and how they deal with customers. And of course I love looking at all the dresses. Ever since I was a young girl, I've loved designing and thinking about fancy dresses... and isn't a wedding dress just a really fancy dress?
Of course Ian and I aren't planning on getting married. Sure, I bug him about it every once in a while (mostly when I'm scared that my cancer is worse), but getting married isn't something that we're all that interested in doing. And even if we did get married, I wouldn't be spending the kind of money those dresses cost on a dress. So watching this show is a way for me to sort of imagine what it would be like to go through that process of choosing a dress. As long as I don't start wanting one of those dresses, I figure this new favourite show is harmless. :)