I haven't logged in to any message boards or anything for a while lately and when I logged in yesterday, I found out that someone I knew here in town had died last week. I last saw her about a month ago when I delivered a package of things from a group of us. She'd been in hospital for three weeks at that point and I spent a bit of time with her and her sister. Because I didn't see the post that she'd stopped treatment and I don't read the obituaries, I didn't know that she died and so I didn't go to the funeral.
I feel very sad that I didn't log in to the board early enough to see that she had died. At the same time, I feel weird about logging into the board because the mets I have are stable and have been for so long. It isn't that it's too hard to deal with the death or the realities of the illness, although those can be difficult to deal with. No, I'm uncomfortable because I feel out of place since my disease and side effects are so much less worrisome than almost everyone else's.
There's only one other person I know of on the board whose disease is minimal and stable like mine and she almost never posts. I don't know how often she checks in - it's more often than I do, that's for sure. I guess I could check in without posting like she does but I have trouble making myself do that sometimes... well, most of the time.
I care so much for all of the people on the board and I want to be there for them, However, when I post a reply to someone who isn't doing well I feel like my words are really a bit empty, as though I'm one of those people who don't have mets who comment on people's posts when they're not doing well. I guess I could just not post on those threads and only post on threads where people are asking for good thoughts or prayers. Instead I've been avoiding the situation altogether, which I'm fairly certain isn't the best strategy.
I think I would be better if I were to try a new approach of checking more often but only posting when it's necessary. That way I could keep in touch with people and I'd know what's going on without trumpeting my long-term stable status.