Thursday, December 30, 2010

There was a Wednesday?

You know how when you sleep all day and you wake up the next day and you don't really know what day it is? I'm in that place. I went to bed at about 11pm on Tuesday, slept until 7pm Wednesday, went back to sleep about an hour and a half later, and got up this morning around 9:30am.

Apparently I needed the sleep.

Tuesday night I'd been trying to read my Mom's diaries and appointment books starting from 2000. I got about three years in and I just couldn't read any more... I felt like my heart was going to break, reading about her appointments and her hospitalizations and shock therapies and different doctor's appointments. I started crying uncontrollably and even though I stopped reading I didn't stop crying, so I took an Ativan. And then I slept.

Unfortunately, I lack the skills to cope with that kind of uncontrollable crying: taking Ativan works but it isn't a long-term solution. I hope to learn some new skills through one or another therapy. I also think that maybe it isn't time to read my Mom's diaries, that maybe I should give myself some time to grieve before reading them so that they don't affect me as powerfully.

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