Thursday, December 02, 2010

My mom

My mom died today. She killed herself by overdosing on some pills she'd apparently been keeping for some time. I'm so very sad and hurt. I feel like a little kid whose mommy is gone I don't understand why but I must have done - or not done - something.

My mom had deep-seated mental issues and was in treatment for many years in an attempt to deal with them. She could be very selfish and angry and could seem manipulative but she could also make me laugh, and I enjoyed sitting there with her and talking or watching movies (we shared the same tastes in movies!). She was such a smart, educated woman and we had many interesting talks.

My happiest memories about her are from when I was a teenager and a young adult and we'd hang out together at the mall or outside and we'd talk and laugh. They were good times, and I missed that connection I had with her later. She was always mentally ill, we think, but it got so much worse after she hit her head about 10 years ago. Her personality fundamentally changed then and while I still loved her I didn't really feel I knew her. We drifted apart.

Her death comes as a shock because we all thought that she was getting better. I knew she was struggling, as I say, but she hadn't tried to kill herself in a few years so I didn't think she was on her way to suicide. Plus she was planning for events in the future, like our Christmas celebration and appointments next year. And she seemed slightly more engaged in life around her.

I knew that her wedding anniversary would be a hard day for her because my dad died almost two years ago and I'd planned to call my mom and talk to her but for some reason I thought that day was today and it was yesterday. So I didn't get the chance to say that I loved her and knew she was having a hard time and I feel guilty about that. Even if I had called her, it might not have made any difference, and even if it did, she might have killed herself anyways another day.

I wish I had been there to talk to her more over the last year. I wish I could have seen her before she died and told her that I loved her. My heart breaks not just for me being sad but also for my mom, because she felt her life wasn't worth living.

Rest in peace, Mom. I miss you. I hope you've found Pere, wherever you both are now.


PussDaddy said...

Oh my God Chantelle, I am so sorry to hear it. I really am.


PussDaddy said...

Please don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault and if in her right mind I am sure she would tell you the same thing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to echo PussDaddy - it isn't your fault at all. I know that she loved all her girls and that she agonized over some of the difficulties that you have faced. Hang in there girl. Love you always
Aunt Margaret

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your loss--

Anonymous said...

As someone with a mental illness, let me just say it is in no way your fault! It is very hard to deal with a mental illness as a family member, but even more excruciating for the one who has to live with it daily. For some people it is so painful and draining mentally that they can no longer cope, or see the good things in life anymore. They just want relief and rest. Your mom probably had just reached the end of her ability or desire to deal with it any longer. It sadly happens, and is not anyones fault. Mental illness is so debilitating for many people, and sometimes the only way out of it is suicide. It's like living in an invisible jail cell that no one else can see or understand. My heart goes out to you and your family. Just remember all the good times and know that she fought hard with an illness that she ultimately could not control. She sounds like she was a very strong woman and tried her very best in life. My sincerest condolences to you and yours in this sad time.

PussDaddy said...

Aunt Margaret, please keep an eye on Chantelle. She has been thru so much lately. I am scared. I am concerned for her. Thanks.


Ruthie's Girl Designs said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I just loss someone from pills too. I will keep you in my prayers, and try if you can, to remember the good times.

M Dawson said...


I am so very sorry. Words cannot console you for the loss of your Mum, we all love our Mum's regardless of our lives and what happens and this hurts, I know.

We all blame ourselves, get angry but, it isn't your fault, please forgive yourself and treasure the good times you and your Mum had.


Unknown said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It was in no way your fault. I also have a history of mental illness and have attempted suicide. I never did it with anyone in mind, just an escape. Be safe and hold on to the good memories, they are the ones worth holding onto.

Morrigan said...

Chantelle please accept my belated condolences.

Pretty Things said...

I'm very, very sorry. Please don't think you did anything. My best friend's father did the same, and she felt the same as you do for a while -- so my saying that is probably meaningless right now -- but I hope it will strike a chord at some point.

My thoughts are with you.