My mom had deep-seated mental issues and was in treatment for many years in an attempt to deal with them. She could be very selfish and angry and could seem manipulative but she could also make me laugh, and I enjoyed sitting there with her and talking or watching movies (we shared the same tastes in movies!). She was such a smart, educated woman and we had many interesting talks.
My happiest memories about her are from when I was a teenager and a young adult and we'd hang out together at the mall or outside and we'd talk and laugh. They were good times, and I missed that connection I had with her later. She was always mentally ill, we think, but it got so much worse after she hit her head about 10 years ago. Her personality fundamentally changed then and while I still loved her I didn't really feel I knew her. We drifted apart.
Her death comes as a shock because we all thought that she was getting better. I knew she was struggling, as I say, but she hadn't tried to kill herself in a few years so I didn't think she was on her way to suicide. Plus she was planning for events in the future, like our Christmas celebration and appointments next year. And she seemed slightly more engaged in life around her.
I knew that her wedding anniversary would be a hard day for her because my dad died almost two years ago and I'd planned to call my mom and talk to her but for some reason I thought that day was today and it was yesterday. So I didn't get the chance to say that I loved her and knew she was having a hard time and I feel guilty about that. Even if I had called her, it might not have made any difference, and even if it did, she might have killed herself anyways another day.
I wish I had been there to talk to her more over the last year. I wish I could have seen her before she died and told her that I loved her. My heart breaks not just for me being sad but also for my mom, because she felt her life wasn't worth living.
Rest in peace, Mom. I miss you. I hope you've found Pere, wherever you both are now.