It would have been my mom's 66th birthday today and I still find myself missing her terribly. Our lilacs are blooming; they were her favourite flower and they remind me so much of her.
As the years pass I wonder when she would have died had she not killed herself. When would I have had to mourn her anyway, by now? Her mom (my grandmother, or Baba, as we called her) lived until she was 84, but she didn't have COPD like my mom did. And if she had mental illnesses, they weren't like my mom's - Baba had lived on her own for years before she was married and she had lived in her house for years before she moved into the home and later died. I don't think my mom loved being on her own in the same way I think Baba did; I think my mom was most comfortable with my dad and was very lonely. I imagine that she must have thought of all these years stretching out ahead of her and being unable to face them alone and lonely.
So would I be mourning and missing her now this year? If she hadn't killed herself when she did, I expect she'd have done it by now unless things changed dramatically for her. I don't think she'd have stayed alive until she died of natural causes so it's possible that I'd be mourning her now. There's something so sad about that, and also something oddly comforting. It's like time has caught up to me now, if that makes sense.
Although I still love my mom and I miss her, she lives on in my memories and my heart. Happy birthday, mom.
1 comment:
that's a good point about the passage of time meaning she may have died by now anyways. very philosophical. hmmmm that requires a good think.
love,
vicki
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