I went to a memorial visitation yesterday evening for a friend of mine who was in the Book Club. She had had leukemia and it had relapsed several times; this latest time was much more severe and the hurried treatments couldn't do enough.
She was a wonderful woman with a quirky sense of humour about everything. She never complained, even when things were at their worst. She had the sweetest, softest English accent which came across as so prim and proper - and she was anything but! She was not afraid to put people in their place or to speak her mind. At the same time, she so much just roll off of her back. I'd be all annoyed about something that I'd read and she would somehow acknowledge my point, and kind of laugh it off. But she never made me feel like I was wrong and I never felt like she was putting me down. She had such a gentle way about her. I miss her terribly.
At last night's visitation I saw some of the people, including the leader, from the Book Club. There had been a session earlier this year and I'd promised to go but I never did. I just couldn't do it but I couldn't figure out why. Last night it was clear: I've felt that the most established people in the group somehow didn't approve of me seeing a psychologist.
The group leader last night told me that she'd wished that the group could have helped me, after which another person told us how a psychologist had said that he "chose his own messed-up family." When the group leader said something about never knowing what those psychologists are going to say and they're theories are always changing.at they're going to say or believe with all of their theories, I figured it out. For whatever reason, these two people, at least, don't believe that psychologists are useful.
I suspect also that they don't see why I need to see someone else - that they don't understand the depth of my issues. I base this conclusion on them saying things about how I needed to just start from now and to put all of my past behind me. I wish it were so simple - really, if it was that simple, wouldn't I have done it? Why on earth would I spend all this time, effort, and money going to see someone?
Maybe these people resent that they couldn't help me, or that I'm not fully buying into the theories of reincarnation or divine energy or the Secret. I believe that these theories are interesting and they have some possibilities but I'm not convinced that they're any more true than any other religious beliefs. Even if I'm reading more into their statements than they intended, the overt comments they made last night are things they usually say to or around me.
After I realized all of this, I understood that I didn't want to go to the Book Club because I feel uncomfortable around those comments. Of course it doesn't help that I don't completely believe the teachings of the books we study; if I did, I might be able to overlook those feelings of discomfort.
Now that I've thought all this through, I think it would be a good idea to tell the group leader about how I'm feeling. I think it's important that she know how I'm interpreting her comments so that I can understand her perspective. Even if she doesn't change what she says, knowing where she's coming from will help me to deal with the way I interpret those comments.
I used to love going to Book Club and I want to love going there again... even though it won't be the same without my friend. I'll miss you, Niki.