Insurance things

I'd been wondering why I hadn't been receiving those notices each month indicating that the LTD was going into my account... and I was also sure that I was supposed to get some money back from the dentist. Well, I logged into the insurance company's site and found out that I was supposed to get money back. When I called them it turned out that my address had been miraculously changed. The only place that could have done it was my dentist's office. Grrr. I've changed it back and I should get my $330 back soon. That's a lot of money to go without :)

I also found out that Ian is covered under my insurance. And that the insurance company would cover the entire cost of Neupogen if I needed it :)

I got an application form for a Christmas show in Ancaster. It's a two day show November 24-25, and it's $165 for a 10x10ft booth for the two days. That's a lot of money. The application is past the deadline but there are a couple of booths open, so the organizer said that I should mail in the application anyways. I guess I'll do that. We'll see if this works out. It would be nice if I did well there - I just hope I don't get sick :)

Oh yeah - I bought these shoes at Winners for only $12!!!!!!!! They were on sale from $50. What a deal! And I bought some gorgeous fabric with which to make a couple of dresses. Soooo pretty....

Where did the day go?

You might have been surprised because there was no blog entry yesterday. That's because I was only awake for about 5 hours yesterday. Really. I got up at about 1:45pm and had a nap starting at 7pm. I woke up at 9pm and Ian sent me up to bed.... and then I got up at 10am this morning. Obviously I needed a LOT of sleep, maybe because of radiation the week before? I don't know why I needed to sleep so much - the important thing is that I'm feeling quite a bit better now. Although since it's so close to bedtime I'm very tired now.

The rash is pretty well gone. I do think it might have been a heat rash. On the elbow where I scratched there is a big red spot that is really ugly. The skin over it feels dry and tight, too. Apparently one of the side effects of Ritalin is itching and a rash and so I've put a call into the nurse for the prescribing doctor. I don't really think that it's related to the Ritalin, but it's better to be safe than sorry. I do think that I need a larger dose of Ritalin because I still need a LOT of caffeine to stay awake an entire day. I don't think that's good.

In the brief period that I was awake we went to see 1408 yesterday. I've read the story and it isn't that close to the original story, which is probably why it's good :) Stephen King books and stories don't always translate well to movies because they're so long and there is so much going on inside the characters minds. When Stephen King does the screenplay he tries to keep everything, making the movie/miniseries long and drawn out. The screenwriter for 1408 wasn't King which is a point in its favour, too :)

Anyways, 1408 is quite good. There isn't really any gore or anything like that, but it is creepy in a jump-out-of-the-shadows kind of way. It's 14A so teenagers can see it, but it isn't really aimed at teenagers. John Cusak does a fine job as the protagonist having to stay in this room and having all of these things happen to him. While watching this movie I realized that John Cusak is an actual actor. I'd recommend 1408 if you like a good creepy thriller movie.

Right now we're watching the original Halloween. It's pretty good in much the same ways as 1408 - kind of creepy and a little scary but without a lot of gore. I think it's pretty good and would recommend it, too.

Going to the circus

We went to Avaia, the CirqueNiagara show in Niagara Falls tonight. Before that, we figured that since we were so close to the US anyways that we might as well go to Joanns fabric store as I was looking for a couple of specialty items. Unfortunately, we didn't plan on the 2 1/2 hour wait to get through customs. We thought we'd left plenty of time but we ended up a bit rushed. Fortunately, customs didn't charge us duty on the things we bought.

The first Joanns we went to didn't have what I was looking for so we went to a bigger one. They had almost everything, but I wish that I'd been able to go back to the first store. We had dinner plans and there just wasn't time. The lighting in some parts of Joann's was terrible; it was dark and purple and I felt like I couldn't see. I found it very upsetting and disorienting. Between that and the fact that we were running late, I was a basket case for a little while. I wasn't able to coherently describe what I wanted - I couldn't find the words and I couldn't think. I did get most of what I wanted, including an adjustable skirt hemmer thingy with a thing that makes chalk puff out in a straight line.

The dinner at Mia Casa Ristorante was pretty good. The ambience was good and the server warned us that the kitchen was very busy because of three wedding parties, and then proceeded to make sure that we were out in time for our show. It was a little expensive but then, so is everything in Niagara Falls.

The circus was GREAT!!!! We all had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. One of the unique things about this circus is that it has real, live horses. The tricks they can do on the running horses are nothing short of amazing! The other acts including the transition clowns and acrobatics were very good, too. The circus took place in a tent with a ring in the middle and seating around the middle. It had a cozy, almost old-fashioned feel, like each member of the audience contributed to the circus. We'd highly recommend this show if you're in the Niagara region. The tickets range from $39-79 and a kid 12 and under is free with the purchase of an adult ticket (half-price otherwise). That really isn't that expensive compared to other forms of entertainment.

In other news, I've got some crazy rash thing in the corners of my elbows, my neck, and my back. Wherever my skin folds, I've got terrible itching and a red painful rash. I have no idea what this could be. Anyone know? I took my allergy medication this morning and we went to the pharmacist to figure out what to do. She recommended a hydrocortisone cream mixed with something else. This gives temporary relief but the rashes are still there. This is strange.

I feel pretty.... and cranky

I went back to my normal hairstylist to get my hair cut today and I am SO much happier than I was the last time it was cut. I'd gone to another stylist at another salon because my hairstylist upped my prices. Even though the other salon gave great service with head massages, hand massages, and the like, the hairstylist didn't do as good a job on my hair. She was very rough with the comb on my head which was very uncomfortable. And even though I told her that my hair winged out in certain places and asked her to cut it so that it didn't wing out, she ignored that request. So my hair was kinda funny-looking.

Anyways, I'm much, much, much happier with my new hairstyle. She fixed it up and made it look awesome - and I know that it won't wing out. :)

So the pain still hasn't gone down, unfortunately. I'm taking maybe 2 percocet a day, which is a bit less than before, but I'd like to not have pain. I'm also still quite tired. If I have enough caffeine I can stay awake all day. Should I need caffeine to stay awake?

I'm feeling a bit restless and unsettled, with some crankiness and moodiness thrown in for good measure. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, although Ian's guessing that it's probably related to the pain and tiredness. But I'm finding myself alternately wanting to be left completely alone and wanting someone near me. It's almost like everything is a little bit off-kilter, making me feel both overwhelmed and lonely. How is this possible? Why am I feeling this way? How can I get rid of this and be more balanced? Any ideas?

I don't think I'm worrying about the oncologist; I think that she may have called today if there had been something wrong, so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic on that front.

Some sadness, some fun, and some annoyance

We took the Mazda3 back today :( Now we just have the one car. It didn't take too long to do the paperwork, at least. We didn't owe anything because we had purchased the WearCare insurance. I'm glad we did that even though we didn't end up spending the full amount that we bought. The inspectors could easily have found little things here and there that would have increased the amount we'd had to pay. We were also able to take the plates back this afternoon. I'll have to call the insurance company tomorrow.

Later on, a friend and I got our palms read. It was sort of interesting. She clearly had a stock patter - both of us were going to live overseas, both of us were gifted, both of us would visit people in the hospital but there was no death involved, there is happiness around us, and there is jealousy and envy around us. She also told me:

• I haven't yet met the love of my life but would meet that person in more than 2 1/2 years (I think she misread my age and so got the timeframe wrong)
  
• I would live across the water from my family (again, I figure that she didn't know how old I was and so misread the timeframe).
  
• Money will come to me but I will never be rich.
  
• Although I am very gifted, I am not gifted in working in an office.
  
• There is someone around me who will seek to befriend me but who can't be trusted.
  
• I will live a long life.

The one thing she didn't pick up on was that I have an incurable cancer which I'd think that would show up to a psychic. Perhaps I'm wrong. I think I might try this sort of thing again sometime. Comparing notes with my friend to figure out what was stock and could be ignored was the best part :)

We're still having internet problems where the internet stops working between 8ish and 9ish. Sigh. This time, Ian called. He managed to get through to second level tech support after a half-hour. Unfortunately, that person said that since we could download some file, there was nothing wrong. Aaaarggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!! We're dropping packets all over the place. It has nothing to do with connection speed!!!!!!!

We (by which I mean Ian) will be calling during regular business hours so that we don't have to deal with the people that do tech support after hours. I think tech support outsourcing is new for Bell - both of us KNOW that we talked to Canadians when we called before - and they don't have a logical, adequate process in place for them. If Rogers didn't suck so much, we'd go with Rogers in a heartbeat. Sigh. I don't know who to contact at Bell to express our displeasure with the extremely poor customer service in their outsourced locations.

A very sleepy day

They say that radiation makes a person tired. I'd been doing ok over the weekend, but I slept until noon today, had a nap in the afternoon, and could go to bed now. Yes, I took Ritalin today. I'm wondering if I'm taking a high enough dose. I went to Well-fit and was able to do the weights but I couldn't do the cardio. I just couldn't. I tried and made it for 10 minutes - my pulse went up to 160 and I just couldn't go on. So I stopped. I'm also having trouble with hot and cold - I'm either broily hot or freezy cold, almost like I have the flu. I thought that the tiredness was supposed to be like the flu, but not that I had the rest of the symptoms of the flu! I hope this goes away soon.

The pain in my sternum had been sort of down but it's up again a little. I hope that it does go away. I want to be awake and pain-free. Is that too much to ask? Sigh.

We take the Mazda 3 Sport back tomorrow. I'd leased it almost three years ago and tonight is the last night I'll have it :( We got it because we'd started paddling on the dragonboat team in Stratford. At the time, we were getting a ride from one of my coworkers to Stratford and then we'd borrow his other car to get him. He would pick it up at work the next day, having got a ride into work from a third coworker. Sound complicated? It was. So we got the car. I got the first car I test-drove because I liked how it was sporty and powerful and fun to drive. We managed to get the car right off the lot - someone had ordered it but didn't want it. It didn't have all the bells and whistles but it was fine for us.

I remember that getting insurance was a nightmare because although I'd had my license for 10-ish years at that point, I'd never been insured in Ontario. Therefore, I was considered to be a new driver and they wanted to charge me $3600/year - more than I was paying for the car! Ian's mom suggested that I try Meloche Monnex because they have a special rate for University of Waterloo alumni. I did, and their rate was about a third of what the other companies wanted to charge me. It worked out well in the end; they take care of all of our insurance needs.

Anyways, I'll miss the car. I've enjoyed driving it around for the last three years - to and from Stratford, to dragon boat events all over the place, and everywhere else. It was my first car and even though I knew I wasn't going to keep it, it served me very well.

Nothing really happened today

Today was one of those days where nothing really happened. You know, where you're up and doing stuff but nothing really gets done? Well, today was like that for me. Sure, I did a little designing, and I did a little figuring out, and I thought about another thing that I'm working on (I've got its essence in my head but not its design). But I didn't really DO anything. The day just passed by.

To tell the truth, I'm sort of waiting for the phone to ring. I keep half-expecting my oncologist to call about the ultrasound. That's very silly, because there's no reason for them to call. They only call when something is wrong and there's no reason for there to be anything wrong. I guess although I say I'm not worried, I must be concerned in the back of my mind. Realistically, even if there is something wrong, the oncologist won't get the results until the end of the week and so wouldn't call until then. So why am I waiting for a call?

A lazy day

I guess I was up way too late last night, because I slept in until Ian woke me at 10am and then had a nap later. I would have happily slept in more. I'd like to be getting up earlier because it gives me more hours in the day. Today was an extremely lazy day, though, because I was tired. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

I was pleased with the sale I had; I sold 12 items altogether, which I think is a really good outcome. Thank you all who bought from me and supported me! Please remember that if you're looking for something in particular, I am happy to make something special for you :)

It turns out that we do have some good fireworks pictures. They're on this page. What do you think? I guess some of them could be cropped, but I'm quite pleased with the way they turned out. I tell you, the fireworks setting on the camera is a good thing to have. :)

Happy Canada Day!

We spent the day at the Canada Day Festivities put on by the University of Waterloo and the UW Federation of Students. They do this every year and it's usually a fun time. There are lots of activities for kids as well as musical entertainment all day, food, vendors, and fireworks after dark. In previous years, Ian has juggled all day long but he didn't do that this year. It's too much for him if he juggles all day in the hot sun, and he would often wind up not feeling well afterward. Fortunately, he should be fine for the rest of the week :)

So here's what I liked about the event:

• The fireworks were awesome. There were new shapes - like hearts - that I really liked. I took some pictures and Ian took some video, but we haven't looked at these yet. If they're any good, I'll let you know :)
• The day was pretty nice; it wasn't too hot and the clouds cleared up completely in time for the fireworks.
• There was lots for the kids to do - face painting, bouncy castle, a petting zoo, and more.
• They had an arts and crafts area with about 12 or 15 vendors.
• The food was pretty cheap and ok.
• There were 30 portalets and wash stations. When they ran out of water in the wash stations, they added more.
• They had a recycling bin next to every garbage bin.
  

.... Nothing's perfect, though. Here's what I didn't like:

• The garbage cans were overflowing by 8pm to the point that every garbage can was surrounded by a ring of garbage.
• The portalets were never cleaned out. There were huge lineups around 9pm - around 15 lineups with 20ish people in each one - and the portalets were in a state of disrepair.
• The arts and crafts area. The online application says, "Vendors will be chosen based on suitability of merchandise. Merchandise must be a quality product and must be either hand crafted, have Canadian theme or be of interest to children." I'd actually sort of thought of participating in this show next year, but it looks like it would be a waste of time. There was one vendor selling cheap, tacky sunglasses. Another vendor was selling crocs (those shoes) with cheap charms, and a third was reselling string figures. I can only guess that the arts and crafts people thought that these three vendors had products that interested children, because they sold shoddy, cheap work. I talked to some of the jewelry sellers and they hadn't sold much - they were very disappointed. This would not be the right place for my jewelry.
  
• There was a food vendor advertising "Fresh squeezed lemonade" but when I asked whether they had unsweetened lemonade, they said that their lemonade came in crystal form and that it was pre-sweetened. Huh? How is that fresh?
• As they were leaving the fireworks area people left their garbage and recycling behind. It was a complete mess. I don't understand how people can just leave their garbage behind - it seems to me that they're little better than animals.
• People trying to leave one parking lot kept honking their horns. Traffic was completely blocked because of the flood of pedestrians and people in their cars just didn't get that they couldn't move. I don't understand how they all thought that honking their horns would help. Grrr.
• There was a car parked in such a way that it would have blocked traffic leaving our parking lot. This idiot thought that parking rules didn't apply to them and so parked in a bad location. The traffic issues mentioned above had a cascading effect so that people in our parking lot were getting slowed down, too. The sight of that car filled me with a kind of rage - I seriously thought about keying the car. I also thought about taking the flyer on our car and writing something very mean on it and leaving it for them to find. I didn't do either of these things, of course. It annoys me when people think that the rules don't apply to them - hello, the rules apply to EVERYONE. When you don't follow the rules, you make things difficult in one way or another for other people. That's hugely inconsiderate. Aargh.

So except for those bad things, we had a great time. We made the right parking decisions and were able to get home within about 15 minutes - considering it takes us 10 minutes to get home on a usual day, that's not bad :)

Oh yeah - there was someone reading tarot cards there, and I had my cards read quickly. I shuffled the deck and cut it into three piles while I thought of a question. The question I thought of was "what's going on with my cancer?". The cards that came up were 7 of Wands, Death, and the Fool reversed. She unreversed the Fool - I don't know why. The reading she gave was that I am at a crossroads or a very big change and that I must be very careful to pay attention to even the smallest details. She said that over and over, that I had to be careful and really think about what I was doing. Interesting, huh? I came away feeling a bit disturbed, actually.

I did a bit of research afterwards, and the cards from left to right mean the past, the present, and the future. So my past is represented by the 7 of wands (someone who is aggressive and defiant, among other things). The present is represented by Death, which is usually associated with sudden, unexpected change, great turmoil, and a fundamental change in life - so much so that the old self must "die" to become the new self. The future is represented by the Fool (reversed?), which involves a choice, new phase, or journey. The reversed meaning is that the choice will not be well-made.

Sale still on!

I sold some earrings - thanks! I have finally finished listing all of my stock so if you haven't checked out my store yet, now is a good time to do it :) There is a lot of variety in the earring colours and styles so there is something for everyone. For those of you that like the Waves of the ocean earrings, you might like these Green waves of grass earrings. They both have similar beads in different colours and evoke a similar impression in me.

I also have some lovely earrings using millefiori beads - these are glass beads that have flowers embedded in them. They are gorgeous when the light shines through them. I have these simple green ones, these other simple green ones, these yellow ones, these orange ones, these bigger green ones, and these aqua ones. As well, if you like interesting, fun earrings, have a look at these Flourite cube earrings. And of course I have quite a few simple glass earrings with two or three beads; these are about $10-20 each, depending on the number of beads.

Don't forget to look at my older stock as well; there are some beautiful earrings there. There are also a few necklaces that you might like. I like them, myself :) As I've said before, there is something for almost everyone in my store. Please note that all the jewelry in my store is arranged by dominant colour of the item. Now go and shop :)

The sternum pain is flaring up a bit and the skin is definitely red. There's a red rectangle in the center of my chest; it looks strange. I hope it goes away soon. I'm definitely keeping it out of sight so that the sun doesn't get at it. I'm also more tired than usual, but I'm managing to get by. I hope tomorrow is better.

A long treatment day

The ultrasound went well. The technician definitely got the tender spot, so we'll see if anything shows or whether I just have aches and pains from getting old. I'm thinking it's just aches and pains :) The results should be at the doctor's in five business days, or by Monday, July 9. I'm not worried.

It turns out that I'll only have one radiation treatment, and that was today! The pain might flare up over the weekend but should subside and get even better within 10-20 days. I can hardly wait :) Funny, the radiation technician treated me up in Thunder Bay back when I had my first cancer. This is a small, small world. They did say that I might feel tired, which I do. I hope that this goes away.

I have listed over half of my new stock. My goodness, I have a lot of it!!! Anyways, check out my store - there are lots of new and exciting pieces; I'm pretty sure there's something for everyone :) I will add the rest tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy the sale - don't forget the secret blog sale mentioned below as well!

Sale has started!

My etsy store sale has begun!! Buy any one item in the store and get another item of equal or lesser value for half price! Just put JET in the notes to seller box and wait until I send you an updated invoice before paying. The sale lasts until 6pm July 2, 2007.

I also have a special sale for my faithful blog readers: buy the Hand-beaded evening purse and get up to four free pieces of jewelry (maximum value $100)! To get this secret sale, put JET BLOG in the notes to seller box and wait for me to send you an updated invoice before paying.

I am adding new items even now and hope to have everything added by tonight. Happy shopping!!!

Tomorrow is a big day

Thank you to everyone who gave me their preference for sorting the earrings. I'll be sorting them by colour. I really appreciate your input!

I was able to get all of the first pictures and about 2/3 of the black background pictures edited. I still have to edit the ruler pictures, which shouldn't take too long. I hope to get the pictures all edited after the ultrasound tomorrow and before the appointment with the radiologist. I think I'm scheduled to have my first radiation treatment at 1:15pm tomorrow so I'll be able to spend most of the afternoon tomorrow adding new jewelry to my store. I'm pretty excited about that - I have some really great pieces that I think you'll all like :)

My sale will start sometime tomorrow - I'm a part of the JET team on etsy and we're all having a sale over the weekend. I'll post in my blog when the sale begins :) I'm actually glad that I have this sale and the new pieces to focus on because that means that I'm not nervous about either the liver ultrasound or the radiation :)

Radiation starts soon

The radiation oncologist's office called and I have an appointment on Friday at 11:15am with the oncologist and the radiation technician. After that, we'll mark me up for radiation and we will start radiation that day beginning at 1:15pm. That is much faster than I thought it would be - I didn't think that I would get in so quickly. I don't know how many radiation treatments I'll have. I think it will be 5 or 10. I hope that the pain flare is over (or hasn't started) when we go to North Carolina. When a treatment works the pain usually gets much worse before getting much better.

I started taking the Ritalin today and didn't really notice any difference. I'll have to see over the next couple of days if there's any change. I really, really hope it works.

I got to spend pretty well the entire afternoon taking photographs. I have about 60-odd pieces of jewelry that I'd like to have up in my etsy store before the sale this weekend. I did all of the coloured background pics; now all I have to do is edit all of the pictures. I hope to do that tomorrow and Friday to have the stuff up by Friday. Given that there are so many pieces, I'll probably end up adding a few on Saturday.

Because there are so many pairs of earrings, I'll need to split them up somehow. Each item can only go in one section... so is it better to separate the earrings by colour or by length? What do you think?

Pain and symptom management

So I saw the Pain and Symptom Management doctors today. It was very, very informative. They did a sensitivity test on my sternum, and it turns out that it's sensitive to even the slightest touch. What has probably happened is that the soft mass that was growing as part of the tumour is pressing against some nerves. There are a bunch over the sternum there, so it wouldn't be surprising that the tumour would hit one or another of them at some point. Oxycodone doesn't do anything for nerve pain, which might be why I don't feel that it's working as well.

What they suggested for the nerve pain was A535 or something similar, lidocaine if that doesn't work, and capsaicin cream if those doesn't work. They also suggest going through with the radiation and if the pain is not controlled after that to start taking one or another medication that targets the nerve. We decided to not try this medication right off the bat because the radiation might actually take care of that pain as well as the bone pain. I have put a call into the radiation nurse; if we can do the radiation before we go to North Carolina, that would be great. We'll see. I hope to know tomorrow.

As for my tiredness, they think that ALL of my medications are contributing to my tiredness. They've prescribed a low dose of Ritalin for me that should take care of this. It is possible that once I have the radiation, I will have more energy and I'll be able to decrease the dose of the Ritalin. I'll be starting the Ritalin tomorrow. I really, really hope it works, because I'm really, really tired of being tired.

I've also been having stomach problems, off and on; I get a tummyache after eating (and especially after eating bananas). I take Nexium for that, but it hasn't been working as well as it had been before. Therefore, they want me to have the test for the bacteria H.Pylori. That's been scheduled for the end of July. If I do test positive for this bacteria, then I need a round of antibiotics. In the meantime, I'm to take Milk of Magnesia in the hopes that it will help soothe my stomach.

They checked my spine and I actually have a new sore vertebrae up between my shoulder blades. I didn't know that one was there; it's possible that there are mets there that aren't showing up. There appears to be a sore spot on my liver also; it's unlikely that I have liver mets, but I have the ultrasound on Friday just in case.

That's a pretty long day, huh? :) After that, I took a bunch of photographs of my jewelry and we watched The Card Player. This movie is directed by Dario Argento - he apparently directed such ground-breaking classics as Deep Red and Suspiria - these movies influenced most of today's horror movies. Apparently they're like very, very gory detective movies.

While we were watching the movie, the neighbour's cat came buy for a visit. He is white with grey patches, and he has yet to grow into his tail or his ears :) He and I had a bit of a cuddle, much to Ian's dismay. The cat has hung around for a while - fortunately, it didn't catch any of the chipmunks in our yard even though it went under the steps to their main lair. Whew.

Some good news

I have an appointment with a pain management specialist tomorrow morning!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! The pain is bad and I'm tired of dealing with it - I'm hoping that the doctor will be able to help me, either by giving me new drugs or new pain techniques.

Ian and I have decided that we are going to go to the International Juggling Association Festival in Winston-Salem, North Carolina in July. I'm really looking forward to this trip :) We're going to drive down over a few days, spend the week, and drive back. We are planning doing the trip in five or six hour legs, so we'll be going to Scranton, Pennsylvania and then Washington, DC. Th We'll spend a full day in DC - the Smithsonian alone makes that worthwhile :) We'll also look at the monuments and White House and whatnot. After that we'll head to the festival. On the way back we'll stop in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvnia. Sounds like fun, huh?

The retreat is over

I don't know what was wrong with me today, but I was not in the mood for the retreat today. I think I may have been the only person who was more annoyed leaving than I was going in. The days are pretty intense and I was really tired because the days started at 9am. I'm also having wicked pain problems - I was taking Percocet all day long.

I did get stuff out of the day today - in particular, there was one visualization that I found very powerful. Basically, while relaxing, imagine that you are holding a bowl in your lap. Any kind of bowl is fine. Imagine the love and light from inside you filling the bowl so that the bowl is now filled with light and sparkles and good. Then take each of the dark, negative emotions that you're experiencing, one by one, and drop them into the bowl. Let the sparkly light and love surround and overcome the dark negative bits until they're all gone (they said to imagine them swirling together, but I saw the light surrounding the dark bits and making them smaller until there was no more dark). Once that happens and the bowl is filled with sparkly light only again, lift the bowl and pour the light back into you. I really liked the cleansing aspect of this visualization. I felt energized and whole afterwards in a way that I haven't felt in some time.

Other than that visualization, the day pretty well sucked for me. At one point we were talking about our greatest fears.... mine, in case you were interested, is that I will lose the ability to reason or think logically; that I will lose my smarts, as it were. This fear is real because this happened after treatments for my first cancer. Anyways, someone in my group gave me this look when I said this and said "you're afraid you won't be smart anymore?"in this shocked, "I can't believe you just said that out loud" kind of a voice. Like I should be grateful for any smarts I have.

I explained that I'm not all that smart, but that I identify with my intellect, logic, and reasoning abilities. I use them in every aspect of my life, and I'm terrified that they'll go away again because I wasn't me when it happened before. I kind of felt like that when the person made that comment they were thinking that I'm some snob who's better than everyone else. I'm not - wanting to be my smartest is no comment on anyone else or their abilities - but I don't know if that person got that. Sigh.

I was really glad when the day was over. I think Ian got some interesting things out of it - if nothing else, the doctor who facilitated the event validated our view that you have to be your own advocate in this health care system. I don't know that either of us would go to one of these again, though. I've had enough support in that kind of environment to last me a long, long time.

When we got home, we watched 5ive Girls. It was pretty good in a cheesy, low-budget horror movie kind of way. I'd recommend it if you like those sorts of movies. There's not much gore, and the story is kind of interesting.

On a much more positive note, this weekend, the JET members on etsy will be having a sale. Each member picks their own sale; mine will be "Buy one, get one 1/2 off (of equal or lesser value)". I'll be adding a LOT of things to my store this week. So if you were thinking of buying something for yourself or for someone you know, I'd encourage you to buy it next weekend as you'll be getting a fantastic deal!!! :)

More on the retreat

The retreat is still interesting. Today we focused on using mindfulness to relieve stress and cognitive behaviour changes. Mindfulness is basically living in the present. It's almost impossible to do it all the time, as we do all have to remember our past or think about the future from time to time, but it's a good tool to have when we're stressed. Sometimes when we're stressed we are busy thinking about what has happened or what is going to happen; mindfulness allows us to let go of those times and to focus only on what we are feeling right now. It can make a situation much more manageable and bearable, that's for sure.

We were looking at the cognitive behaviour changes in relation to thinking disturbing or unhappy thoughts. Basically, we were trying to find ways to transform those thoughts into more positive thoughts. As an example, if you say to yourself that you'll never get through treatment because it's too hard and you don't have the strength (this is a negative thought, I guess), you could make it more positive be saying to yourself that treatment is very hard, that no one has strength all the time, and that's ok - it's ok to pamper yourself and take it one day at a time until you're through treatment. The exercise we did as part of this talk was very intense; people really opened up about what they felt, and the honesty was quite refreshing, if a little overhwelming.

Ian and I also helped Hopespring do some video scenes. Apparently the videos of us talking in a group setting, doing Qi-Gong, and talking together will be used in public service announcements. I've also been asked to share my cancer journey story for the same reason. It'll be interesting. My thinking is that the retreat is free so if I can help them in any way, I will do so.

I've also decided that I'm going to change Spirituality and Healing days. I'm currently in the Tuesday afternoon class but it often conflicts with Ian's dad's schedule. Therefore, I'll go to the Thursday afternoon class instead. The facilitator of that group is a better fit for me, too :)

After such a long day, we wanted to take it easy so we decided to rent movies. Tonight we watched the movie Unknown. It's about five men who wake up in a warehouse and who don't remember who they are. It's quite good; we enjoyed it very much and would recommend it.

Cautiously optimistic

I'm feeling much better today about the appointment with the oncologist. I was so shocked when I got the news that everything was ok - I just couldn't believe that everything could be fine AND that the pain would be so bad. I put a question to one of my newsgroups and it seems that pain is not always a reliable indicator of cancer progression. Femara also causes bone pain, so it's possible that the pain is from the Femara and it's working. I will still get an ultrasound of the liver to be sure that I'm ok.

I've asked for a referral to a pain management specialist at the cancer centre. The pain is not under control and there's no reason for it to be so bad. Clearly something needs to change because I shouldn't have to live in pain. My family doctor is the one who does my pain management right now. His approach, when my pain goes up, is to add more long-acting oxycontin (it's supposed to be taken every 12 hours) and/or take it more frequently. Right now I'm taking 120 mg of long-acting oxycontin every 4 times a day (every 4 hours, most days). This is a fine approach at lesser pain levels but at my current level doesn't seem right.

The specialists have other drugs and techniques in their arsenal that my doctor may not know about. For example, there's a drug that reduces the pain of the tendons rubbing against the bones. I don't know that this is happening to me, but this could be causing pain in my left femur. Taking that pain away would be great!

When I talked to the people at the hospital, they asked me a whole bunch of questions about my moods over the last little while - like whether I've been tired, fatigued, stressed, sleepy, happy, depressed, or whatever. I think this is because pain affects so many parts of a person's life that when it's bad it takes over in so many ways, and they wanted to know how much of my life was affected by pain. For the first time in a while, I'm cautiously optimistic that my pain might actually be reduced. I'm feeling really good about this.

Ian and I went for the first night of a Skills for Healing retreat. We'll be talking about stress reduction, meditation, mindfulness, nutrition, and negotiating the medical maze. I think it will be good for both of us. Between Ian's dad's cancer and my own, there's a lot of cancer to deal with right now. It's weighing pretty heavily on each of our shoulders (more so Ian's than mine, of course), and the more skills we have to help deal with that weight, the better. The retreat lasts all weekend, so I'm sure that we'll each get something good out of it. It's a free retreat which makes it even better :)

Oncologist appointment

I saw my oncologist today. She was happy with my bone scan because it showed no significant change from last time (she said that there was no progression on the left, that it said later that there was no change since January). She also said that she didn't think that a change of 2 in my tumour markers was significant and hence it was nothing to worry about.

I guess there are people whose bone mets don't get smaller with hormonal treatment. I know there are people whose tumour markers mean nothing. The thing is, I just don't get why the pain would increase so much if the cancer was stable. That doesn't make sense to me. Ian has a theory that the cancer and the bisphosphonates are butting heads and that the cancer might start to actually decrease if the cancer is losing this battle.

I've insisted on a liver ultrasound just to be sure that my liver is fine. I'm sure it is and that there's nothing to worry about, but I want a scan to tell me I'm sure. I'll have the ultrasound between now and July 10th or so. I see my oncologist on July 13 and we'll figure out what we'll do then. I think the plan will be to have radiation to the sternum to kill the pain there and to keep me on the Femara.

Oh yeah, she said that the radiation oncologist didn't need to worry about getting rid of the pain because she had other diagnostic factors like scans and tumour markers. I guess pain isn't one of her diagnostic factors.

The whole appointment felt very surreal. I came out of it very confused and very upset. How can I have so much pain and everything be all right? I don't understand this at all.

I think I may be partly upset because my dad was having some tests done for some weird things that had been happening. His test results have come back normal, thank goodness, so I don't have to worry anymore. Now I have to stop worrying about me :)