I've been finding myself sort of up and down, restless, and out-of-sorts over the last few days but I wasn't sure why.
Of course I'm worried about my lower back; I worry that the marked increase in pain over the last bunch of months is mets. And I'm seeing my oncologist in a week so of course I'm going to be more worried about my back. But no matter how worried I've been in the past, I don't usually freak out until just about the night before (or the weekend before) the appointment.
So it's not (or mostly not) my back or my cancer that is causing me to feel this way.
No, I think the main reason I've been up and down is that I'm starting to remember and relive events leading up to my dad's death last year in anticipation of the anniversary date of his death. I'm finding myself flooded with memories and feelings... and I think that I'm sort of trying to suppress them because letting them come leaves me sad and crying. I suppose that it would be better to just let the memories come out - or to write them down - but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that.
I have my meditation class tomorrow and I hope to get some tips from the leader of that class on how to handle my grief and mourning over the next while. It's almost like it's happening all over again... at least in my head.
I'm glad I'm not the only one whose brain insists on reliving last year :( It's painful and discouraging because even if I think of something I would have rather done differently- it can't be. It's done the way it was done. Love, Mom
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