Movies: "A Late Quartet" and "Les Misérables"

Happy New Year!

I've been home for a couple of days but I've been so tired that I've mostly just been dozing while pretending to surf the net while watching Ian play video games. I had a wonderful, if exhausting, time in Edmonton seeing my friends and family. I wasn't able to have a long visit with everyone but my visits were definitely quality time.

While I was in Edmonton, I saw two movies: A Late Quartet and Les Misérables.

A Late Quartet stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Christopher Walken as two members of a string quartet; when Christopher Walken's character discovers that he must retire due to health issues, the entire quartet is thrown into chaos. Long-buried hopes, ideas, dreams, and lusts come to light, fracturing the relationships in the quartet. Watching the relationships unfold and change makes for an engrossing, interesting film.

This is a beautiful, thoughtful movie and I imagine that if you know a lot about music you'd get so much more out of it than I did. What I especially loved about this movie is that it really captured how life-changing an illness is for someone and how changes in one person's life affect the lives of the people around that person. I highly recommend this film.

Les Misérables is the movie adaptation of the stage musical adaptation of Victor Hugo's epic book of the same name. It follows Jean Valjean as he is released from prison, forges a new identity, and tries to escape his past. At the same time, he is raising Cosette, Fantine's daughter whom he promised to raise, and Cosette and a revolutionary fall in love. If it sounds complicated, it is, kind of; there are several stories going on at once and the work covers about 15 years. Underlying these storylines is a question of redemption by asking whether a person can ever redeem bad behaviour and, if they can, whether the behaviour is redeemed through the law or religion.

To be completely honest, I didn't like this movie. My friend loved it, as did many other people who saw it, but I didn't think it was very good. I've been trying to figure out why I didn't like it and it seems that there are a number of things I didn't like.

I've never seen the stage musical and if I had, I suspect I'd have enjoyed this movie so much more. Many of the things I disliked - the lyrics that were simplistic, the tuneless singing that replaces dialogue since the musical is sung-through, and the lack of variety in the music - apparently came straight from the musical. If I'd seen and liked the musical, I most likely would have reacted to them differently while watching the movie.

There were elements unique to the movie that I didn't like, such as the close-up of the actor's face during each and every song. This technique would have been interesting had it been used a few times instead of during every single song. To be fair, the closeness of the close-up varied: sometimes only the actor's face was visible while other times the audience could see the actor's shoulders or their arms. The over-use of the close-up technique quickly becomes terribly monotonous. Oddly, on the other hand, most of the backgrounds were obviously computer-generated without much depth or detail and I found that this detracted from the movie as much as the extreme closeups. If I can count every nose hairs of every singer, why can't I see a realistic, believable background?

I also found that the singing voices of the two main characters - Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean and Russell Crowe as Javert, the policeman who pursues him - were not very strong. I know that Hugh Jackman has a very strong singing voice but in this movie his voice is thin and nasally and lacks depth or feeling. Russell Crowe's voice was not up to the task of singing his part and his voice came across as weak and shallow. This movie was shot with the actors actually singing  their songs instead of lip-syncing them and I wonder if this technique, along with the extreme close-ups, prevented them from using their full voices because they were trying to act and sing at the same time?

The movie wasn't all bad and there were a few bright spots primarily among the supporting cast. Anne Hathaway's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" as Fantine was moving even in its extreme close-up. I expect that she'll be nominated for an Oscar for that performance. Samantha Barks as Éponine performed very well in her debut film performance, injecting passion into both her voice and mannerisms. Russel Crowe and Hugh Jackman could have used some of this passion themselves!

People who love the musical Les Misérables will love this movie no matter what I or anyone else says about it. If you're not a fan of the musical or you haven't seen it (or listened to one or another recording), I'd recommend that you want for the DVD to come out before seeing this movie, if only because the closeups will be that much smaller on your personal tv.

On my way to Edmonton tomorrow

I'm heading out to Edmonton tomorrow morning for Christmas for the first time in quite a few years. It's going to be strange, not being with Ian's family after spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them for so many years but we'll exchange presents when I get back next week.

I'm going for Christmas so that the bulk of my visit will overlap with my sister's visit in Edmonton. She moved to England a few months ago and this will be her first visit back since she moved. Having moved far away from Edmonton (although not as far as she's moved) myself, I know how stressful it can be to be away and come back. I hope that I can help make her time in Edmonton less stressful.

I get to see my friends in Edmonton this time around, too, and I'm very excited about that. I haven't seen some of them in a long time and I'm looking forward to catching up with them. I'm being careful not to overdo it each day while I'm there so that I don't end up exhausted while I'm there.

I would have stayed in Edmonton even longer but I end up missing Gozer too much. Of course I miss Ian, too, but I can email him and call him on the phone. Gozer doesn't understand how to work phones and she's not so good with the email because she can't type. I spend so much of my time with her that it's weird to not have her nearby and I imagine she feels much the same way. I am leaving things that smell like me so she'll be able to sleep on my scent.

I won't be posting much while I'm away (not that I post much these days anyways) so don't be alarmed if you don't see a Merry Christmas post. I'll be back before the new year, however.

I know I should have posted this before but we did put a little costume on Gozer on Halloween and I wanted to share the pictures with you. Enjoy!

Really? Do I have to do this?

Scan results

Ian came with me to see my oncologist this morning. Normally I go alone because the appointments are routine for me but whenever I'm getting test results I like to have him there. He's better at processing information when stressed - or when I'm stressed, at least - and he's more stable emotionally than I am, which is comforting.

Fortunately, his information-processing and comforting skills were not required today because my bone and CT scans came back clear. In fact, the lesions on my sternum have healed even more than they had the last time. Yay!!!

My oncologist and I figure that the pain in my sternum came from wearing a cross-body carry-on bag when I travelled to Chicago. She told me today that cross-body bags are no longer allowed for me. While this is a small price to pay for not having pain, not carrying these types of bags will require some adjustment. I used to see myself as one of those travellers who could dash through airports carrying their own bags (I may have added a touch of glamour to that vision so feel free to add that in there).

The reality is that I very rarely dash anywhere, let alone in airports, and it's not like I can't buy or use bags with wheels on them. I'm now one of those people who stroll through airports with my case(s) in tow. This isn't so bad. Besides, accepting one's changing body and the limitations those changes bring is part of the aging process. Adjusting my inner picture (aka fantasy) of who I am is part of how I accept my changing self.

I'm so lucky that my cancer is still stable six(!!!) years after the mets were confirmed in my sternum. If I was allowed to have the saturated fat, I'd celebrate with ice cream or cake. Or both. With some cookies on the side. Since that delicious eating feast isn't possible, I think I'll celebrate my continued stable status with a little shopping for practical but stylish, rolling carry-on bags.

Call from my oncologist

My oncologist called me today to tell me that the ultrasound and mammogram I had recently showed something in one of my surgery scars. It appears to be a cyst that's filled with fluid and they want me to come in for a follow-up ultrasound in about six months. Then she said that she hadn't looked at the results from the bone or CT scans and would see me Friday.

So.... is it just me, or does it seem weird for her to have called me about this result and not the others? Clearly the mammogram results were flagged somehow and if the bone and CT scans showed something, I'd expect them to be flagged, too. So I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, the bone and CT scan results were unremarkable.

One way or another, we'll find out on Friday. I just thought it was weird that she would call to give me some results and not others.

It is possible that the thing found in the scar isn't a cyst but the cancer returning there - if that's what's going on, then we'd just do a mastectomy and get rid of my ever-flattening mini-boob. As an aside, the difference between it and my fully-growed boob appears to be at least two cup sizes now. I need to get out and get a prosthetic so that I can make my boobs match. If it turns out that I do get a mastectomy, the difference between what I've got now and what I'd have then won't be so much that I'd think I'd need a much bigger prosthetic. At least, that's my theory.

Anyways, we'll see what happens on Friday.

In other news, Gozer has found a new bed: our laundry basket full of clean laundry. Silly girl!

Thinking about my mom

My mom killed herself two years ago yesterday. She took the pills that killed her on December 1, her's and my dad's wedding anniversary, and then died on December 2 in the early morning. She was found later that morning or early that afternoon by someone who'd come to check on her.

Last year, I missed my mother so much on this date... I wished she hadn't killed herself and I was very sad that she was dead. This year was different: I found myself thinking about what that last day must have been like for her and how she must have felt before deciding to die. I know that I can never really know what was going through her head but for the first time I felt myself looking at things through her eyes and imagining what it was like. I talked this through with my psychologist today and this helped find the words to express these thoughts.

My mom must have been so sad and so lonely. She'd been mentally ill for years and years but had been stable when my dad died in 2008. She spent almost two years after that in the place where they'd lived but she was having trouble living on her own. She dissociated a couple of times and "came to" not knowing what had happened, which is very scary (if you've ever been in a drug- or alcohol-induced blackout, you'll understand how scary that can be). Then she came down with some kind of respiratory infection and became very, very sick; she had COPD already, and she was so sick that she couldn't think to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital.

After that episode, she knew she couldn't be completely on her own any more, so she moved into a light assisted living bachelor apartment in the other tower of her complex. She took two meals a day with other residents and someone would look in on her each day. She never really loved it there; it was different, and she didn't like the people with whom she ate her two meals. She was never much of a conformist and she didn't much like being around people so this was no surprise, but I think it left her feeling alone and lonely. And maybe even a bit angry at being left out, as odd as that sounds. Her daughters weren't reaching out to her and she didn't reach out to them because all those years of mental illness had scarred us all.

In the fall of that year, mom got a new psychiatrist. She'd been with her previous psychiatrist for years and didn't like the new one at all. He wanted to change her treatment, which she didn't like, and she also didn't like him personally. Most specifically, she din't like his shoes, which were very trendy. At the time, I didn't understand how she felt but I think now she felt he was young, that he was railroading her, and that he didn't respect her as a patient or as a person.

So she was sad, alone, and lonely, and angry, and resentful, and she felt like she didn't belong, and she had no support network. I think she'd experienced these emotions for years without killing herself but on the anniversary of her marriage, I think she'd finally had enough and decided that it was time to go. I think she couldn't bear the pain of living any more - and that for her, suicide wasn't a permanent solution to a temporary problem, as some describe suicide, but permanent solution to a problem that she'd endured for years.

I think that she'd probably spent much of her last day crying and missing her husband. I think she may have cried while she was taking the pills but once they were in her, I suspect she felt some relief that she was really going to die this time. I hope she found some peace before she died and that her death was painless.

As I say, I don't know if my thoughts about how she felt that day or in the days leading up to it are true but they feel true to me. I still miss her terribly, but I feel like I have a better understanding of what things were like for her and why she chose to kill herself. Thinking about how she got to the point of killing herself gives me much more empathy for her.

I still miss my mom terribly and I still wish she hadn't got to a point where she needed to kill herself... but I understand and I forgive her.

I love you, mom.

Various appointments

Last Friday was my bone scan. The injection went smoothly and so did the scan even though I was an hour late for the scan. I have no idea how that happened; for whatever reason, even though I knew exactly what time the second appointment was supposed to happen, my brain added an hour to that time. And even though I showed up exactly an hour late, it was another twenty-five minutes before they came and got me. I didn't know that they were looking for me so I was just waiting for the nurse. Fortunately, the scan is still valid. 

Today was mammogram day, which also went smoothly. Because the morphea has deformed the left breast so much, the technician couldn't get a good view of the scars on the mammogram. Breast cancer often comes back in previous scar tissue so it's important to get a good view of my old scars. So they did an ultrasound of the scars, which was apparently quite difficult as the first scar is big and meanders a bit.

My CT scan is scheduled for next Friday and I get the results from all these scans on December 14.

We also had our physical exams with our family doctor on Tuesday. Both our cholesterol numbers are down to more acceptable levels so our diet (and Ian's pills) are working. Yay! My family doctor also asked how I was doing. I'm doing fine - well, better - and I told him that my psychologist and I had thought that volunteer work would be good for me and that I was thinking of looking for some volunteer work in the new year (depending on my test results, of course). My family doctor doesn't like the idea at all because he doesn't want me to get too stressed. I told him that understood that but that I was looking for meaning in my life.

His reply to that was that I should get meaning out of my relationship with Ian, that giving to other people is good but my relationships are the most important things I have. That's true, I guess, but afterwards I felt like I had traveled back in time to the 1950s and was being told to support my husband in his career. 

I know that I need to be careful with doing volunteer work; I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to things that can be overwhelming. And I know that while the cancer is one reason why I haven't been working these last six years, another reason - perhaps the main reason - I haven't been working is my struggle with depression. I guess you could say that I'm mentally ill. I know that I will never again be the person I was when I was working (and that's a good thing in many ways), but I'd like to think that I can aspire to more than making Ian happy and focusing on our relationship. It's frustrating to be told otherwise.

Tumour marker results

Today was visit the oncologist day. My CA 15-3 tumour marker has crept up to 39.9 from - what was it? about 33? The marker has been at 40 before so we wouldn't worry about it at all, normally. However, it is a bit of a jump up... and my sternum (where my mets are) has been hurting a LOT for the last five weeks, since I got back from Chicago. Also, I've lost about ten pounds in the last 10 weeks or so. And my face broke out and took longer than usual to heal.

Now, all of these things have perfectly rational explanations. For example, my sternum started hurting right after I got back from Chicago. While I traveled, I wore my carry-on bag across my body over my sternum and it's very possible that I damaged the bone somehow. After all, the bone is fragile. As far as the weight goes, we have been on a low saturated fat diet since Labour Day. Not having any cheese at dinner or ice cream or anything could definitely make me lose weight. I didn't expect to lose as much as I did but it's possible that my body was poised to lose the weight. The weight I'm at is where I've been most of my adult life so it's natural that my body would want to be there, given the opportunity. Regarding the breakouts, I'd tried a new cream on my face which probably caused me to break out. And if I didn't pick at the breakouts (and Gozer didn't lick my face) they'd heal faster.

It is also possible that my lucky six-year run of cancer stability is over and that I have progression for the first time since I was diagnosed with mets. Therefore we need to do some scans and check things out. They'll be scheduling a bone scan and CT scan and I expect to get the results the week of December 10th. My oncologist will be at a conference during the first week of December or else I'd get my results then.

I'm not looking forward to having to wait for results over the next few weeks but the time will pass one way or another. While I need to be aware that I might be facing progression of my mets, it's too soon to panic and I don't want to spend my time worrying unnecessarily.

Sewing room getting done

A couple of weeks ago we went to IKEA to look at furniture for my sewing room. The idea was that I would figure out the floorplan and then order the furniture to arrive this week, when Ian will be on vacation for a curling tournament.

Unfortunately, I didn't get my floorplan figured out until this weekend and I didn't put the order in until late this morning. For some reason I thought that IKEA could deliver the next day, but I think that's only true if we were to go to the store, pick our entire order, and then ask them to deliver it. As it is, the delivery is tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday. So much for being able to put the furniture together while Ian was on vacation.

We did tape out the furniture locations in the room so we did figure out how we're going to light the room and we'll be able to get that done this week. That's something, at least. I'll also be able to spend some time going through my fabric as I think I might not want it all. I also know that I don't want to keep all of my vintage patterns.

I'm not quite sure what to do with the fabric and patterns that I don't want. Apparently Value Village will take both fabric and patterns for a per pound rate. I'm not sure that I want to give them any of the really good-quality fabric because I'm not sure that's where they'll get the best use. At the same time, I don't want to be the hoarder who hangs on to things because no one else can give them as good of a home. If anyone has suggestions about what I can do with the fabric - some vintage cottons and many, many nicer fabrics - let me know.

As for the patterns, I could sell them on etsy or I could contact one of the vintage pattern stores and offer the  m the patterns for a flat rate. I'm kind of leaning towards the latter option because I think that would be the best way for my estate to dispose of my patterns when it comes time for that and it would be better if there was already a relationship with a seller. I figure it would just be easier for whoever has to deal with my estate to know who to go to and what to expect. I do have some valuable patterns in my collection, after all.

I figure I'll have my sewing room functional before the end of the year and I'm quite excited about that. I've been wanting to do some sewing for a while but my current setup just isn't comfortable; I can hardly wait to be in my new and improved, comfortable sewing room.

Hello again

Wow, I've really let things go here, haven't I? I don't have a good reason for not posting, I'm afraid. I'd been feeling sort of depressed over the last little while but I'm starting to feel better.

Interestingly, when I last saw my psychologist she suggested that I might be slightly bipolar. If I am, that would explain how I can have so much energy and need less sleep sometimes and no energy at all and need hours and hours more sleep other times. Thinking back, I have noticed that when I'm more energetic, I want to create more things and I also see things as brighter and more colourful. When I'm less energetic, things look dimmer. I think the way I process sound differently as well.

I haven't tracked any of these changes so I don't know if I actually exhibit any bipolar-type symptoms or if I'm just fitting these observations into this framework. It would be a good idea to keep track of how I'm feeling, how much sleep I get, how things look, whether my ears hurt from sounds, and so forth to see if there's a pattern.

If you live in North America and aren't living under a rock you'll know that today is the US election. US election nights remind me of the night I found out that my primary breast cancer had spread into three of seven dissected lymph nodes and that I needed more surgery because the margins weren't clear. That night in 2000 I remember sitting numbly watching the election results come in while trying to process the news. Even though I knew that things were bad - I'd seen the mass on the mammogram - I had hoped that the cancer would be confined to the breast.

The US election night is a strange anniversary to remember, in a way, especially since now I have mets. But for me, that was the day that everything really changed because I finally knew what was going on. Had the election not been so close and had it been resolved that night, I might not feel the same association with it as I do. Things changed for the US that night, too, although no one knew then what would be coming.

In today's election, I hope that Obama is re-elected. I don't trust Mitt Romney because he doesn't seem to have a single point of view on things; he seems to say whatever others want to hear. I'm also concerned at the power the far right has in the Republican party and what their influence would mean for women's rights, immigration, and the working class. Hopefully the election will be resolved tonight in Obama's favour.

Gozer's diet

We received Gozer's weight-loss information sheet earlier this week. It says that we're going to turn Gozer into a supermodel :) Her last weight at the vet was 11.8kg and the vet wants her down at 10kg. Gozer is to lose the weight over at least nine weeks; losing it more quickly would be bad.

I know 1.8kg doesn't sound like much weight but it is 15% of her body weight and that's a significant amount. Imagine if you had to lose 15% of your body weight - it would take a while! It's also important that the weight come off slowly so that she stays healthy.

To lose the weight, Gozer is allowed 440 calories per day of which at most 10% of the calories can come from food. Therefore, Gozer is now allowed only 3/4 cup of her food twice daily. That's down from about a cup of food twice daily and I think we were actually feeding her even more than that. When packed tightly, her food used to completely cover the bottom of her food dish and now it doesn't cover the bottom at all. Packing her food tightly leaves about one-third to one-half of the dish exposed.

The goal we've been given is to give Gozer only 30 calories in treats each day. Currently we give her a small amount of peanut butter in the mornings which we figured to be about eight calories. I know I've given her up to a full teaspoon of the peanut butter but at 33 calories per teaspoon, that can't happen any more. We also give Gozer a treat when she goes into her kennel in the mornings and evenings. We checked and each one of those treats has 22 calories (or 29 for the other flavour). Therefore, Gozer doesn't get a full cookie any more when she goes into her kennel.

Because Gozer's current food doesn't have any flexibility for things like getting a bath (when she would normally get about two liver bits at eight calories each), we need to re-work what treats we're feeding her. We have room to cut down on her kibble when she gets more treats so we can always do that. We're also going to do some investigation into other treats with fewer calories (including things like carrots and apples; the vet also suggested cat treats) so that we have more flexibility in what we give her.

I'd also like to be able to give her more volume of treats for the same calories, if possible. Gozer has been on her diet for a couple of days now and I think she thinks she's starving. When she sleeps on the chair in front of the tv she almost always has one of her squeaky toys in her mouth. When she's not up on the chair with me, she's looking for insects to eat. Poor girl. I know how she feels, being hungry all the time. I figure if we can give her treats that are more filling and have fewer calories, she'll be happier.

I am looking forward to seeing our little fluffybutt becoming leaner. Already she seems to have more energy on her walks and when playing so I think that she'll like being leaner, too.

MBCN Chicago conference

I had the best time ever at this weekend's conference in Chicago. The conference itself was hit and miss as some sessions were extremely informative while others offered nothing new or relevant. Of course I didn't go to the conference for the information; I went to connect with my friends on our online board. I haven't seen them in a year and I've missed them. Seeing people online is no substitute for meeting and hanging out with them in person.

I really connected with people this weekend in a way that I haven't done in a long time. There have been times that I've come away from these things feeling a bit like I don't fit in. Somehow, this time I felt like I really belonged. Maybe it's because I made a couple of real friends - not just people that I know and talk to, but people that I feel like I could (and will) stay in touch with outside of the board and facebook statuses, if that makes sense. I already knew one person and this weekend we got to know each other much better. Another person and I just clicked, and another couple of people and I got along super-well (if we'd talked on our own, we'd have clicked, I think).

Another reason I felt like I belonged is that people came up to me and told me that they really wanted to meet me. I want to meet everyone but I haven't always felt like other people want to meet me, you know? I've also struggled with feeling like I haven't got much to contribute on the board because my cancer is so stable and I was so happy when people told me that they wanted to know how I was doing, that they followed my updates, and that they did want to hear from me.

The only down side to the trip (aside from the fact that I had no time to go shopping) was that my sternum has been aching since yesterday and I've been in agony. My painkiller patches are up to date and working well so I don't know what's going on. I suspect it has something to do with flying and the pressurized aircraft but I don't actually know. I'm taking supplemental painkillers and taking it easy.

Sternal pain aside, I can't help but notice that the last two trips I've taken have been the best ever and that I've come back feeling happy and connected to people. I think that the work I've been doing with my psychologist over the last year has been making a huge difference in the way I'm approaching and thinking about these trips. I love love love this change.

I'm so happy that I had such a great time on this trip. I'm can barely wait for the next one.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? My sister has moved to to the UK; she arrived safe and sound and has been exploring her surroundings.

We spent some time with Ian's parent's for Thanksgiving. I enjoyed visiting with Ian's parents especially because I haven't seen them for any length of time in quite a while. We ate delicious pumpkin pie after a very satisfying and also delicious meal. We decided to allow ourselves to eat what we wanted in moderation because we figured that easing up on our new diet restrictions would be ok for one day. We're on a low saturated fat diet while also trying to minimize the amount of fat in our diet. I have no idea what our cholesterol levels are like but we've both lost weight.

On Friday I'm headed to Chicago for a conference on metastatic breast cancer. Mostly I'm going to see my friends. Hanging out with them is what makes going to the conference worthwhile for me. I guess the information presented at the conference might be useful but because my mets are so stable, the information isn't as relevant to me.

All that doesn't really explain why I haven't been writing anything lately... and I guess I don't have much of an explanation. I've been tired, and I've been having what might be described as panic attacks. I have no idea why that's been happening; I don't think I'm all that stressed, but maybe I am. I have been feeling a bit more depressed (and bored?) than usual, too.

One of the things that's come up in therapy is that I have a lot of anger and rage issues. I'm not quite sure where they're coming from so I'm trying to identify how I feel right before the rage. I wonder if shining a light on that rage is bringing up some of these other feelings. Or maybe I'm feeling the way I do because I haven't been doing much of anything lately - sitting in front of the tv surfing the internet doesn't count as an activity.

I am looking forward to going to Chicago although I'm nowhere near finished getting everything ready! It's going to be a fun trip.

Edmonton family events

My youngest sister is moving to England tomorrow. She's been planning this move for a long, long time and the day has finally come. I'm very excited for her because moving to England has been a dream of hers for years and years and I'm thrilled that she's realizing this dream. Of course I'm sad, too, because this is such a big change and I don't think I like big changes.

Selfishly, I'm sad because it's a big change and I don't like changes so I'd love for her to stay in Canada, but I want her to be the happiest she can be so my selfish wants have to take a backseat here. Besides, I know that she'll come back to visit - in fact, I think we're going to co-ordinate a Christmas visit - and I'll be able to go and visit her.

Because I wanted to see my sister before she left, I was in Edmonton last weekend. I didn't tell anyone other than my family that I was going there because I wanted to focus on spending time with my sisters. To my friends: we'll get together next time I'm in Edmonton.

I was there for four days and saw both my sisters as much as possible on each of those days. I had the best time I've ever had with my sisters over those four days and my sisters said they had the best time ever, too. We really connected and didn't fight and had the biggest giggles ever :)

One of the things we did was look over old photos that each sister had scanned or developed from slides and negatives. We saw parts of our childhood that we hadn't seen before as well as parts of our parent's and grandparent's lives that were eye-opening to us. It was fun to look back and ourselves and see how beautiful we really were and how great those pictures were... and the silly things that some of us may have done to our hair.

I love my sisters so much and I love that we had such a great time and were so comfortable together. I'm sending good thoughts to my youngest sister that she'll have safe travels and that she'll love it there more than she thinks she will. Have a great time, seester! I love you.

Gozer's visit to the doctor

Gozer has gained quite a bit of weight quite quickly: over the last four months she's gone from 9.3kg (20.5lbs) to 11.8kg (26.0lb), an increase of more than 25%. When anyone - human or dog - adds 25% to their weight in only a four months, it's cause for some concern. Gozer's walk time has decreased by a third to half of the pre-summer levels due to the hot weather so it's likely that her weight gain is related to her decreased activity. The vet also thinks that Gozer might be a bit older than we had thought - closer to four years old rather than two - because that's when dogs naturally gain weight

The vet thinks that Gozer is a bit chubby but isn't obese and says that Gozer does need to lose weight - but not too quickly. She's going to draw up a chart showing how many calories Gozer needs each day and from there we'll figure out how much to feed her and how much exercise to give her.

While I was there I inadvertently became part of an issue they're having. Way back when, Gozer was given flea medication that we'll need to start giving to her again in December (she's on Trifexis for the summer to protect against other parasites). Unfortunately, the medication expired in August of this year and there's no way that I'll give her expired medication in December. When I took Gozer in for her grooming a couple of weeks ago, I brought the package to the office. They checked and all of this medication was expired; since they had to order more, I took my package home.

After Gozer and I left the groomers, one of the groomers came running out with a new package of medication. When I got home I noticed that the medication was for larger dogs. Gozer is chubby but she's not that big! I brought both packages in with me today and explained what had happened. The vet was very upset because whoever set up the box just reprinted the label and didn't get the vet's signature, meaning the vet didn't know that this had happened - a major violation of protocol. This didn't cause any problems for me or for Gozer but if the staff is doing this kind of thing at other times, some pet could get hurt and that's not good.

We'll get Gozer's ideal calorie intake next week and then we'll be going back to the vet in a couple of months to see how much weight Gozer loses. We'll also need to pick up her flea medication - one that the vet has signed off on!

My skin thing has a name

The changes to the skin on my left breast are definitely morphea, a type of scleroderma. The biopsy sample was good: it was 0.5cm by 0.4cm and went down into the fatty tissue below the derma, or skin layer. There were areas of sclerosis in the derma that went all the way down into the fat so the changes are quite extensive.

No one really knows what causes morphea. It's thought to be an autoimmune disease and it shows up as a long-term side effect of radiation. The cases I've seen have shown up much sooner than 11 years after radiation like mine did. I can imagine a scenario where my immune system was wonky because of the cancer and sarcoidosis and the denosumab just added enough strain to my already-weird system for the morphea to take hold.

There aren't really any treatments for morphea; pretty much everything is done off-label on an experimental basis because nothing really works. The best treatment is a systemic one - I think it's cyclophosphamide, a type of chemotherapy, and it works by suppressing the immune system - but my system is fragile enough that we don't want to introduce a new systemic treatment until or unless we have to do it.

There's another topical treatment I could do but I'd need to see him every two weeks and there's no guarantee it will work. I don't think he thinks it's worth trying, partly because I'd have to travel so far. If I lived in Oakville, things would be different. Before I make a decision one way or another on whether to try this treatment, he wants me to talk to my oncologist and family doctor to get their thoughts. So we'll see. I'm not convinced that it's worth trying to get rid of it, especially since it's not life-threatening or anything. Besides, if chemotherapy clears this thing up, it'll get cleared up when I'm the "lucky" recipient of chemotherapy for the cancer - whenever that happens (which hopefully won't be for quite some time yet).

Oh, and the dermatologist thinks that the incision is healing up quite well. He told me that sometimes infection will take hold and be tough to get rid of so if there are any signs that the infection is returning, I need to get to the ER right away. I'll definitely do that: I don't want to wind up in the hospital with IV antibiotics.

Healing but tired

I think the anitbiotic is working. There's still some fluid draining from the holes where the stitches were but it's lessening and looking less infectiony. The redness is also fading and the swelling is going down so the area doesn't look quite as angry and swollen as before. I'm happy that it's getting better and that I don't need to go back to the hospital for IV antibiotics.

I am finding that I'm extremely tired since I started the antibiotics. I feel like I'm so tired all the time and the slightest activity leaves me exhausted. I assume that the antibiotic is forcing my body to heal and that's what is making me so, so, so tired.

Tomorrow afternoon I see my dermatologist and hopefully he'll agree that the biopsy site is healing well. I also hope that he'll have meaningful pathology results so that we know what's going on with my skin. I'm not looking forward to the drive tomorrow but I'll sleep in, load up on caffeine, and take it easy so that I'm not too tired. I don't know what we'll do about supper, exactly, but I'll deal with that tomorrow.

Adventures in (non)healing

For the last few days my left arm, underarm, and breast have all felt heavy, achy, and sore and I was having a hard time lifting my hand up high because it hurt in my underarm. I figured that the biopsy and my previous surgery taking out lymph nodes caused a buildup of lymph fluid in those areas so I massaged them. I'd been taught how to do the use massage to move the lymph fluid and get it flowing better way back when I had the lymphedema in my arm. I'd noticed that the area around the stitches was a bit warm and a bit red but I figured that this was related to the swelling and buildup of lymph fluid.

Imagine my surprise when I was having a bath and I noticed that the area around the stitches was bright red and there was that particular yellow crust around the stitches that signifies infection. My dermatologist had told me to call if anything looked strange and so I called right away. He would have liked it if I could have gone to see him this afternoon but he was leaving in an hour and it would have taken at least an hour and a half to get there because Ian had the car.

He told me that in this case, I should go to the emergency room and have them look at it since he couldn't prescribe something over the phone. I asked if I could go to a walk-in clinic and he reluctantly said yes but preferred the emergency room.

I called Ian right away, told him what was going on, and he came home to take me to the emergency room. I was worried that I'd end up there for at least six hours... and I almost did. The main treatment area was not moving at all and was really backed up. They were able to get me into the minor treatment area where I was seen by a nurse practitioner. She took out the stitches, gave me a prescription for Keflex, and we were on our way in just over two hours.

If the Keflex doesn't work I need to go back to the ER and they'll put me on IV antibiotics. That's one outcome I'd like to avoid but if it does come to that, it's actually a good thing that I went to this ER - the one associated with the cancer center. As much as I'd wanted to go to a walk-in clinic, going to this ER meant that they had more information about me and my cancer treatment. Ian was right to make me go to the ER even though I was whining about having to be there for six hours.

I see the dermatologist on Monday. He expects that the infection will be cleared up and I hope he's right.

Streams and rivers and frogs, oh my!

The person who cleans our house had to bring her kids with her today. They're 10 and 7 and both boys and I offered to take them and Gozer for a walk. We ended up out there for about two hours.

Mostly the walk went well: we went through the woods and down by the river... and by a stream and through the stream and beside the stream. The boys decided that they wanted to look for frogs so that's what we did. Unfortunately, all of us got our feet wet... including Gozer. She was doing ok walking through the streams - it was when she stepped into much up to her chest that things were bad for her. She became a little panicky after that because she wanted out of that area right that second.

When Ian found out that Gozer smelled like fish and was absolutely filthy, he gave me a choice: keep her outside until he got home, or give her a bath myself. It turns out that I can bathe her all by myself. I thought I did a good job but I detected the faintest scent of fish when she came in from her short evening walk so I think I'll have to bathe her again tomorrow.

I don't think my cleaner was too, too upset that both her boys came back with filthy, wet socks and shoes (and two frogs). If there's a next time for this, we're not going for nearly as long and we're going to go frog-hunting closer to home. Preferably without actually stepping into a stream.

A whole lot of work

With my cholesterol higher than it should be I know that I need to make some changes. Diet-wise, we're looking more carefully at what we're eating and making healthier choices that involve more fruits and vegetables. However, changing my diet isn't enough: I need to exercise more.

With it being so hot this summer I haven't been walking Gozer during the day and I haven't been getting much other exercise. Weeding is some exercise but it isn't cardiovascular exercise so it isn't helping my heart at all. Somehow it does seem to be increasing my flexibility, however: for the first time ever I can bend at my hips, keep my legs straight, and put my hands flat on the ground. I used to have to strain to touch my fingertips to the ground.

Today I got more exercise than I'd bargained for because we decided to seed some of the bare patches on our front lawn and the top of the back lawn and overseed the rest of those lawns. We - by which I mean I - de-thatched these areas first which was a LOT of work. Using the rake doesn't just involve my arms but my upper- and mid- back, core, shoulders, and legs. Fortunately, by using my core and upper back, my lower back didn't hurt while I was working and it's still feeling good..

I haven't done that much work since I was paddling! Unfortunately, because I haven't done much exercise lately, I wasn't able to quite finish de-thatching everything and Ian had to finish. Even though he only worked for an extra 20 minutes or so after I stopped, I knew that if I hadn't stopped I would have crossed the line into overdoing it and I would have paid for it for the next week. I'm proud of what I accomplished today. Afterwards I had a lovely long, hot bath to soak my muscles.

It's going to be nice this week so I plan to take Gozer out for an afternoon walk. It'll be good for her chubby bum as well as mine. And maybe next weekend I'll be able to do some physical work in the yard again - after fully recovering from this weekend, I expect (ok, I hope) to have more stamina.

Everyone gets a new diet in our house

For the last couple of months we've known that Gozer had gained weight. We were feeding her the recommended amount and she still gets two walks per day but for some reason her weight has been increasing.

How much has it increased? She went from just under 20 pounds in the spring to 25.8(!) today. In other words, she's increased her body weight by over 25% in just a few months. That's a huge weight gain for a person, let alone a dog. I knew she was bigger but I didn't know that she was that much bigger. I don't think she's obese because I can see her waist from the side although I can't see it from above and I can't feel her ribs without pressing hard into her sidess.

Gozer is going to be groomed on Friday and because she's over 25 pounds I think she'll be considered a medium instead of a small dog as 25 pounds is the cutoff. Of course it costs more to groom a medium-sized dog because they require more handling.

Tomorrow I'm also going to call and make an appointment for Gozer to see the vet. Clearly she's going to need to reduce her weight and I need to get some hints for that. I also need to be sure that she doesn't have some condition that's causing her to gain weight. She's gained the weight so fast for no real reason that I can see that I'm a bit concerned.