Monday, February 18, 2008

Enough, too little, or too much?

My mom and sister made a duct-tape dummy for me. Once I get it home, I'll stuff it and I'll be able to use it as a dress form. I hope that by having this dress form with my shape, I'll be able to make better changes and drape things more accurately than I can right now. The process took about 2 hours and we had a lot of fun :) We took a couple of pictures during the process that you can see here.

I also saw Step Up 2 the Streets tonight with my niece. It was a fun movie with lots of dancing. I'm a sucker for a movie with lots of dancing. I wish that they'd had crews like that when I was growing up, although I suspecdt that I was too headstrong to work with people in developing a choreography. Anyways, watching the movie is not a bad way to spend a couple of hours.

Sometimes I feel like nothing has changed; that my dad is just away and he'll be right back. Other times, of course, I get very sad and remember that he is gone. I don't cry all the time, either, and I'm not always in danger of crying like I was a few days ago. It seems that if I'm around other people, things are almost normal... it's only when I'm alone that I realize that things are different than they were and even then, this doesn't happen all the time.

I don't have that much experience with death or grieving, but I'm pretty sure that in the past, I'd be a lot sadder for more of the time than I am now. I worry that this might be an effect of my anti-depressants - that they've dulled my emotions so much that I'm not realizing or feeling the true depth of my emotions. I don't want that to happen. I suppose it could be that I'm better at recognizing and dealing with my feelings so that they don't have to overwhelm me all the time, too - all that counseling and support groups had to have been good for something :)

I wish I knew how to figure out if the antidepressant is interfering too much with my emotions. Not that I mind not being in the depths of grief all the time. I guess I'm also worried that if I'm not sad or remembering my dad that I've let part of him go already and I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that.

Emotions are so complicated.

1 comment:

Darling Jee said...

I'm glad you posted those photos about the duct tape dummy. I couldn't picture it and didn't realize you were the model for it! That's kinda funny :)

The thing I have noticed about grief is that it changes as you get older. For me, when I was younger, it was all sad all the time and then that sort of lifted gradually. Now I have waves. Some days (moments) are much better than others. While I can't say how much your SSRIs are affecting your moods, those good days might be your mind giving your body a break. Feelings really are complicated.