Sunday, December 23, 2007

I can't stop crying

I cried uncontrollably all day yesterday. I took three tranquilizers to try to stop crying and they didn't work. I'm feeling somewhat better now but am ready to cry at the drop of a hat. How silly is this? Christmas is supposed to be happy and I'm supposed to be enjoying myself. I'm celebrating Christmas in Mississauga with Ian's family and then I'm going to Edmonton to celebrate with my family.

So what's wrong? Well, it has been a really bad year for me and so I'm very emotionally fragile. I'm looking for a chance to visit, to see the people I love, and to enjoy myself. Without going into details, I suggested some proposed "ground rules" for one of my family's proposed activities that included things like people be respectful and not sarcastic during that activity. People very strongly objected and the rule now is that people can say whatever they want and if someone else is hurt or upset, they are not to say anything.

Every time I think about being a part of this, I cry and cry and cry. I love my family very much and I would love it if the people in my family weren't mean or sarcastic - but they can be (just as I can be). I'm too fragile to walk into a situation where it is possible that someone can be mean with no consequences.

You know what's worse? There are people that would say that this is my problem and that the gathering isn't all about me, so I should get over it. Which is sort of true, I guess - my feelings are my own problem. But if someone says something to hurt my feelings, then I need to be able to tell them that I was hurt by their statement. According to the rules for that activity, I can't do that.

Help!!! What should I do? Is there a way to protect myself in this situation?

1 comment:

Darling Jee said...

This really sucks. Without going into detail here, our family dynamics sound very similar. While it's true that your feelings are almost completely within your control (Dalai Lama: accept, understand, let go), it's hard that those closest to you are also the ones that affect you the most.

I chose not to spend Christmas with my family this year because I knew I couldn't handle the emotional roller coaster. That's not always an option though. The only way I know to get through these things is to hold onto the fact that these "family" times don't last forever and to carry myself with as much dignity and self-respect as possible. It's really hard though. Also, I know that, when the "family" times are over, I get to go back to my friends who are the people that really love me and take care of me and understand who I am and what I need. You have people like that too. Stay strong.