Ian's away

I woke up very early see Ian off; he's gone to California for training. Yes, training - he's starting a job tomorrow :) He'd taken a break from school in the summer and then had interviews in the early fall. He'll be working at a high-tech company in the city. I'm so very proud of him :) I hope he likes the job.

I meant to go and do some bellydance workshops later in the day, but I didn't. I made a conscious decision to not go to the first workshop at 10:30am in order to sleep. I'd planned on going to the 1:30pm workshop but I didn't get up until 3pm. Sigh. I guess I needed the sleep.

I did make it to the Bewitching Bellydance Ball this evening, though. I dressed up in costume; you can see it here. It was a lot of fun - if you're in the region during the last weekend of October next year, you should definitely attend. It's bellydancing set to other kinds of music and that tells a story. Of course most of the stories are ghoulish and spooky :)

I don't like funerals

So I don't love funerals any more than I did before. There were a LOT of people at the funeral for the young woman - she was 41 - from my in-person support group. It appears that she had made a huge impact on the community and people around her.

Apparently she had wanted a service with lots of poems and songs and that's what we had. Yes, people talked about her and there was mourning, but it was really a celebration of her life and so was quite positive.

I'm hoping that our young women's group does some sort of memorial thing so that we can remember her, too.

Fun after curling

We went curling tonight for the first Friday night of the season. We like Friday night curling because it's very relaxed; most people are newish or beginner curlers so there's not a lot of pressure to curl really well. This means that we can try things we might not normally try and we can practice our technique.

More importantly, we have a lot of friends who curl on Friday nights. There are three other couples that we like to spend time with outside of curling, and they all curl on Fridays with us. This makes the games and overall atmosphere upbeat and fun. After curling, we usually go for dinner with some or all of these couples.

Tonight we'd thought we wouldn't go out for dinner as we have a lot to do tonight and tomorrow, but we ended up going to The Keg with them anyways. We haven't been out with these people in a long time and I've missed them. We all had a great time talking and eating yummy food :)

Bellydance costume

We came home to Waterloo today. Thursdays are quite busy; I have bellydance followed by curling, and when Spirituality and Healing groups are meeting, I have that before bellydance.

We're learning the choreography for the recital in December. We actually spent a bit of class figuring out what our costumes were going to be. Funny though, our instructor doesn't care at all about costumes; it's those of us in class who are interested in our attire. We've figured out that we'll all wear red tops. I'm going to look at the market and see if there are broomstick skirts there. Personally, I'd rather go with a black skirt - then I can make it to be more flattering on me. Because I'm short, I'm better off with a skirt that is more mermaid-like or form-fitting than with one that hangs straight down from my hips. The latter widens me and makes me look shorter.

We may also make some scarves to wear around our hips - something with some mesh and long fringe. I was going to try and make a sample as well. I rather like the idea of fringe, as long as it's pre-bought.

Anyways - my instructor was not impressed with all of this talk as she'd be happy if we danced in jeans. It certainly entertained the rest of us, though :)

Mourning twice over

I am so tired of cancer.

When I finished my blog last night I checked my mail and found out that one of my young women's support group members had died. Her funeral is on Saturday and we will try to attend. She had had breast cancer that had metastasized (spread) to her bones, liver, and brain. For the last few months she had been bed-ridden as one of the brain tumours made her paralyzed. She leaves behind 3 little kids (the youngest is about 2 1/2 years old - she was first diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with the littlest one) and her husband. He's been pretty well out of work for two years now. What will happen to them? I'm so sad for the family.

After I finished reading about this, I went to one of my online breast cancer support groups and found out that one of the members there had died. She had bone and liver mets and she'd only had them for five months, since May, 2007. It all happened so fast - her liver started to fail a few weeks ago and then she just died. She didn't have any children and she leaves behind her husband. He's heartbroken.

Both of these women were about my age. My heart is aching for their families and friends - it's so not fair that these women died so young. Last night I cried and cried and cried; I will miss them. They were both wonderful women who went out of their way to help people whenever they could; they were honest, loving, and patient. It was like each of them had a light that just shone around them - the world is a darker place now that they're gone. :(

Oncologist's appointment today

I saw my oncologist today. It turns out that my tumour markers have gone down, to 41.3 from 46.2. So they've done this: 57.8 (August, 2006) -> 48.0 (October, 2006) -> 39.6 -> 41.4 -> 46.2 -> 41.3 (October, 2007). We think it's safe to say that my tumour markers are oscillating between 39 and 48, and that's just what is normal for me right now. This is really good news; normal for this particular marker is 38, and I'm just about normal. Well, in this sense, anyways :)

What this also means is that we can continue to look at this tumour marker, and if it starts heading out of this normal range we know that there's something going on.

I also talked to my oncologist about the fact that I still feel that I can't relate to her and have asked for a referral to another oncologist at this cancer centre. She had no problem with it at all and will go ahead and refer me to someone else. Whew!!!! I talked to the nurse afterwards (not the usual nurse as she is on vacation) and she said that switching doctors there is not at all uncommon. I had been quite worried about how this would go - I didn't want to burn my bridges, as it were/ I think I handled it very well and professionally and I was quite impressed with me :) I should have an appointment with a new doctor in four to six weeks.

I've been uncomfortable with my oncologist and nurse since the beginning. I've tried hard to change this and to be comfortable with this oncologist/nurse pair, but in the end I just couldn't do it. During my recent liver mets scare, I realized that there was no way that I would put myself in the hands of my current oncologist - if I couldn't have seen another oncologist right away I would have gone back to my old oncologist in Credit Valley.

These feelings were so strong that I knew that I had to ask for the referral now while things are quiet. It's very important that I be completely at ease with my doctors because I have to trust them with my life. Hopefully I won't get a doctor that I'm LESS comfortable with :)

Lazing around watching tv

I didn't feel my best today. I woke up in the night because I wasn't well and have spent most of today feeling a bit off. I've had a very bad woogly back since last night - I took some Ativan in the afternoon and had to take more when that wore off this evening. Sigh. I wish I knew what was wrong.

This evening we watched Dragon's Den on CBC. My parents watch it and told me about it; it's a reality show where people come on and try and get one or more of five investors to invest in their idea for a share of their company. It's understated and low-key, which makes it all the more interesting. The "Dragons" themselves are very successful Canadian business people who are willing to invest in small companies if they think those companies have a chance. This show is definitely worth watching

Tonight a fellow was demonstrating a thingy that can be used to clean horses. He demonstrated it on a dog and the Dragons couldn't see how it could be used for horses or even that there is a market for that. I'd expect that there is a market for something that will clean horses quickly (and they may even like it because it combs them down to their skin). The fellow got no money from the Dragons. :(

For this season of Dragon's Den, I guess you can vote on your favourite business that got nothing from them. If they get the most or second most votes for that week, they might end up as part of a final five who get to appear before the Dragons on November 28. The top finalist there wins $50000 (and people who vote could win $5000, too!). It's a way for the audience to second-guess the Dragons. :) You can vote here: http://www.cbc.ca/dragonsden/armchairdragon.php (registration required).

I need more pants

Remember I bought new pants because I'd gained weight and my old pants didn't fit anymore? Well, that must be a surefire way to LOSE weight, because most of those pants are now a little bit to a lot bit too big :) The jeans are definitely too big and I don't like the colour of my other jeans. In the hopes of finding nice jeans that fit, I spent the afternoon trying on pants.

You know, I love shopping, but a whole afternoon of trying on pants and having them not fit is less fun than my usual shopping experience. I tried on 10 pairs of pants at Mark's Work Wearhouse and bought one pair that was on sale and that fit. They have some amazing jeans there - some of them have something called "CurveTech" that is supposed to make your butt look full, firm, and high. What it is is a layer of strong mesh inside the jean but it wasn't strong enough for my butt, I'm afraid. I'm not sure that there's anything short of surgery that could make my butt look any of full or firm or high - and certainly not all three at the same time!

I tried on another 18 pairs of jeans at Winners, which was basically everything they had in my size in that store. I had no luck at all there :( The only thing I came away with was a scrapey mark on my left leg from their theft-marking device. Sigh.

I hope to look at some other stores over the next little while. For now, I'm back in Mississauga and so I'll do some more relaxing here.

Back from Mississauga

I managed to get a ride home with some friends who were in the GTA today. When Ian and I had gone to Mississauga for yesterday's appointment, I didn't drive our car because I was too tired and nauseous. Ian is staying in Mississauga but I needed to get back. Thanks to all my friends who offered to drive me :)

I watched two episodes of Meerkat Manor on TVO today. I loved it!!!!! It was a really great show, much more interesting than I thought it would be. The meerkats are adorable, and they really do have dramas - both in their own clan and with other clans. I highly recommend it.

No mets!!!!

That's right, I have no liver mets!!!! The ultrasound was completely clear and showed no inflammation, and my liver function numbers are well within normal. YAY!!!!! We're very relieved :)

My doctor thinks that my problem might be stomach-related and so is putting me back on Nexium. I'll continue to take the Zofran for nausea.

My doctor also gave us tips on how to talk to my oncologist about getting a referral to another oncologist in the same cancer centre. Ian gets to open up the discussion, which he's not at all happy about, since he doesn't like conflict. If you didn't know, I'm not comfortable with my current oncologist and I want a new one. I've heard good things about a couple of other oncologists at the cancer centre and so I'll ask for a referral to one of those doctors.

How much I've changed

I went to my Spirituality and Healing group this afternoon for the first time in three weeks. We talked about letting go of things - like anger, or being control-freaky, or whatever. I told them about how, when I was working, I could be quite mean and callous; that I didn't give the people I worked with enough credit for being themselves and for having their own talents, and that I expected everything to be done my way. I've changed a lot in the last year and a half and I know that I'm more patient, compassionate, and forgiving than I was before.

Anyways, as I was saying all this today it struck me that one of the main reasons that I want to go back to work is to show people just how much I've changed. I guess I want to show other people that I'm not the person that I was and that I can still get as much done and be as efficient while also being a better person. One person in particular bore the brunt of that and I've apologized to that person for the way I behaved.... and I think I also want to apologize to other people as well, you know? But the only way I can really apologize is by showing people that I'm different. I can SAY I'm different, but, well, saying so doesn't make it so.

I don't expect that I'll work again. If it turns out that I don't have liver mets, there is a chance that I might get to work. If I have liver mets, well, I won't be working again.

I'll let you all know how things went after the appointment tomorrow. Ian and I have decided that we're hoping that I have some kind of liver infection and not liver mets.

Test results on Friday

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and I should get my liver ultrasound and liver function test results then. It was going to take 4-5 days to get the ultrasound results so they should be ready on Friday. The liver function tests should have been available on Monday so I'll definitely get those as well. I'm quite nervous about the appointment, because I'm scared that I have liver mets. However, I've talked to some people who have had similar symptoms as me but who had something other than liver mets - so it's possible that there's something else wrong with me. Wouldn't that be awesome?

I've been quite nauseous with a fair amount of pain in my liver today. Sigh. I just want the pain and nausea to go away - I feel like crap. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

More and more sleep

I should have known that having a bit nap yesterday afternoon would make it more difficult to sleep last night. I ended up getting up at about 3:30pm today. For some reason I thought it was around 11am, but all the clocks said about 3:30pm, so I must have been wrong. I did feel very refreshed when I got up which is a big change for me - I'm usually tired when I get up.

Of course I did nothing at all of interest today - I mean, I did some laundry, but that's not exactly interesting, is it? :) Tomorrow I'm going to Well-fit and then bellydance which will at least get me out of the house :)

How much sleep do I need?

After my swimming lesson, I went shopping at H&M. This time, I got four non-black jersey shirts, although it took me two hours to do it :)

Once I got home, I had a nap, intending to get up in time for Well-fit. Unfortunately, I didn't get up until four hours after Well-fit started... oops. It's not like I didn't go to bed last night; I got 10 hours of sleep which should have been enough. But no, apparently I needed another six hours tonight. I hope I'm tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour :)

Looking for some colour

Ian let me sleep in all the way until noon today! I felt quite rested when I got up. I could barely type my blog by the time I was finished it last night - I started going to sleep right there, and I fell asleep really quickly when we went to bed.

After dropping Ian off in Mississauga this afternoon, I went to H&M. I'd planned to get some tops that weren't black as most of the tops that fit and look nice are black. Don't get me wrong; black is a fine colour. Worn every day, though, it's a little much. I tried on a ton of things there and ended up buying five tops: a fuchsia and white t-shirt, a black cropped cardigan with big silver polka-dots, a beautiful black blouse with white polka-dots, a grey jersey shirt with a black pattern, and a black, white, and grey jersey shirt. Hmm. That's four black tops by my count :)

I'm going to return the two jersey shirts - they're like t-shirts but not in the same kind of basic t-shirt pattern. They're nice, but maybe I can find something that's less... black. :)

Went to a wedding today

We went to a friend's wedding today. We've known the happy couple for a few years - they're really great for each other and together make the world a better place.

The wedding ceremony and dinner were each delayed but about 30 minutes because we were waiting for someone. There had been an accident on the 401 and so the ceremony was delayed in hopes that people stuck in that traffic would make it in. The dinner was delayed because we were waiting for a projector that someone was supposed to bring. Aside from those two delays, everything ran very smoothly. The food was delicious, the hall clean and bright, and the decorations festive. It was a very nice venue with very good food.

I think that if Ian and I ever get married, we're going to ask that children under 10 not come. There were about eight or ten kids there of varying ages up to about eight years old. They were brats. One whined and cried through the whole ceremony and refused to listen to his parents (I asked the dad whether the child had a form of autism since he didn't respond to people's instructions and seemed lost in his own world, but the father said that he was normal. Hmm). During dinner several kids (including the aforementioned delightful one) ran around the tables chasing each other. During the speeches, they played cars and throwing toys over on the dance floor, blocking out the speeches themselves.

Not that the speeches or ceremony is necessarily interesting, but I'd rather not be distracted by small children with short attention spans forced to stay awake and do stuff with their parents from noon to midnight or so. Those kids were LOUD.

Not that I hate kids; I don't. I don't much like them these days, partly because I can't have any, but I don't mind them if I don't really notice them. That's why, if we ever get married, we don't want little kids there. Don't worry, if there were such little people whenever this hypothetical wedding happens, we'll provide entertainment for them during the "boring" parts. Fair enough? :)

Tests today

I was able to get in to have the abdominal ultrasound this morning. They squeezed me in for 9:30am, and the whole procedure took about a half hour. She took a lot of pictures of my liver and did quite a few measurements - some of those are things like pancreas and gallbladder and all that. She said that my doctor would get the results in four or five days.

The bloodwork to check my liver function took no time at all after waiting for about a half hour. The technician asked why I was doing these tests and I said that we were checking for liver mets. She asked what kind of cancer I had, and I said that I had had breast cancer and now I have mets to my bones. When I said that, she looked so sad. After she finished drawing the blood, she squeezed my hand. Surprisingly, that made me feel better.

So I won't know anything until late next week. There is a small chance that I don't have liver mets; I could have some sort of infection or my liver may have decided to stop processing all of the drugs I take. Or I could be living in an episode of House and I have some rare disease. :)

Yes, I'm scared, but I'm ok. I'm still doing things I like to do and I'm trying to keep myself happy (ie distracted).

I wasn't hoping for this

Sorry that there was no blog entry yesterday; I'd fallen asleep at 8:30pm and went straight up to bed at 11pm to wake at 10am this morning. I'm less tired today :)

I did see my family doctor today and talked to him about my nausea, pain in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen, and tiredness. He had me lie flat and then he checked where the edges of the liver were. After that, he applied gentle pressure on different parts. The gentle pressure caused some pain - not, like, excruciating pain, but pain nonetheless. It turns out that my liver is swollen. He is pretty sure that I have liver mets. Sigh.

He's sending me for a liver ultrasound first thing tomorrow - I don't have an appointment but I'm to go to the clinic and beg for one. My doctor is also asking for bloodwork that will give us an idea about how well the liver is functioning right now. I kept telling him that I was seeing my oncologist the week after next but he wanted to do this all on his own. Yes, I know I had a scan in late June, but I think my mets (if that's what's there) were just baby-sized then and couldn't be seen at that time with that technology.

He also gave me prescriptions for Zofran for the nausea and Ativan (lorazepam) for the anxiety. I have been feeling pretty anxious for a while as I have been worried about the pain and achiness in my abdomen around my liver.

I won't lie: I'm quite scared about this whole thing. Liver mets are more serious than bone mets and that scares the crap out of me..... for now, though, I'll take this one step at a time.

Ontario votes tomorrow

The Ontario provincial election is tomorrow: please vote if you're eligible! Aside from the fact that voting is our democratic responsibility, there's a referendum tomorrow, too, and it's important to vote in that. In case you aren't familiar with the referendum question and background, you can find all the information you want to read over at yourbigdecision.ca.

Ian and I are in Mississauga this week and so can't vote tomorrow in our electoral district. We didn't find out we were going to be here until after the advance polls closed and so what we've done is to ask one of our friends to cast our vote for us - aka we are voting by proxy. I'm really glad that we have this option as I was going to be disappointed if I couldn't vote. I mean, we might have been able to drive back to Waterloo before the polls closed at 9pm, but we didn't want to have drive that much.

A crafty Thanksgiving

I spent most of the day working on the dress that I'll be wearing to the wedding. I bought it to fit my hips and so the top is too big because my top size is smaller than my bottom size. It took a while to fix up the seams that had come undone because I'm not accustomed to working with that fabric.

I got the shoulders taken up (part of fixing the dress was to shorten the bodice by shortening it at the shoulder seam) and as I was checking the fit, Ian and I realized that the dress might look better sleeveless. If it was sleeveless, it would make a cleaner, sleeker line, making me look taller. We'll see. I'd hoped to finish the alterations today but didn't have time, so I'll be doing them through this week. We'll be in Mississauga starting tomorrow afternoon and I'll just take my sewing machine there to finish up.

I don't yet know whether I'll take all my beads or just some of them to Mississauga. I've been making some earrings lately and part of me would like to pick through my beads and create more. Then again, I should be working on this custom stuff so I should only bring things associated with that. At least I've made some new earrings recently; I hope to get these ones photographed and listed over the next while, so if I don't make anything new it's not the end of the world.