It's my birthday! As Ian says, I'm exactly one day older than I was yesterday. Of course I don't usually describe myself as x years and y days old; I round down to the x years, so when that number changes, it's worth marking it and maybe even celebrating it.
Not that we did much to celebrate; we ordered pasta from Boston Pizza for dinner and it was surprisingly yummy. I've also been on a bit of a spending spree lately and I could call that buying myself birthday present(s). Because who doesn't want low-tarnish and firescale-resistant sterling silver sheet, wax detailer carving tools, sweaters, an assortment of twin sewing needles (they come in different sizes - I had no idea!), and awesome boots (black with laces AND zippers!) for their birthday? Not to mention a bunch of very tiny 1.5mm round faceted gemstones for use in some earrings I want to make, as well as a bunch of other tools and clothes.
I'm noticing this birthday more than usual, probably because today I'm turning 45 which means I'm in the next survey age bracket. I was in the 35-44 age bracket so I could kind of pretend that I wasn't all that old. But now that I'm part of the 45-54 age bracket, I can't really pretend to myself that I'm actually young anymore. I know that on the outside I'm no spring chicken but on the inside I feel like I'm just 25 or maybe 30 (although a better version of the me that I was when I was actually that age).
I don't know if everyone feels this way as they get older or if I feel this way because I wasted so many years trying to escape from reality. Back then I didn't think I was giving anything up but over the last few years, as I got mentally healthier, I wished I could have those years back. I'm coming to terms with the fact that those years are gone and that I have to let them go. That process had been going fairly well, at least up until today - because there's no better day to remind one of all the years that have passed than one's birthday.
Tomorrow I'll get back to accepting that those years are gone and I'm old(er). Today I'm celebrating the years I've been around ... and maybe buy myself some more "birthday presents".
1 comment:
Chantelle, loved what you said about feeling so young inside. It has been about the same for me until recently, I just turned 72. When that began to disappear, I knew that I had reached old age (sort of).
Love
Aunt Margaret
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