All about Gozer

Gozer saw the veterinary ophthalmologist on Friday because the vet had spotted a cataract in her right eye a couple of months ago that has visibly grown since its first discovery. I've held off posting the results because I had trouble understanding the information. I'm not used to all of these technical terms, you see, so it took a while for me to do the research. Well, I was also working on the red carpet post.

Ok, that's it for anatomy! We weren't sure what to expect but it turns out that they do the same exams on dogs as they do on people, just with slightly different equipment. It would be hard to get a dog to put its chin on the chin rest, lean forward, and stay still, after all! The ophthalmologist uses hand-held versions of the people version and holds the dog's face still using the other hand.

One test that's different is that they check tear production by sticking a test paper under her lid. Apparently some people do get to have this particular test but it's not one that's done unless there are problems. Gozer's corneas were also dyed to check for damage to them and her pupils were dilated to see what's going on.

Her tear production is apparently normal and her corneas showed no damage at all. She definitely does have a cataract in her right eye located "medial equatorial and cortical (mainly posterior, though anterior also involved)" which I think means that it's in the cortex of the lens around about the middle mostly towards the back of the lens and spreading to the front. Since the cortex is composed of new-ish lens fibres, a cataract there means that it's new-ish and hasn't been there forever.

She has other issues with her right eye; in particular she has a "posterior synechiae at 3 o'clock and associated with a small hole in the iris at this point." The posterior synechiae is where the back (posterior) of the iris is stuck or adhered (synechiae) to the front of the lens capsule or membrane surrounding the lens. The ophthalmologist thinks that she had some kind of trauma to her eye when she was younger that caused the hole in the iris and the adhesion, and that these in turn somehow caused the cataract to form. I'm not exactly sure how that's possible but he's the doctor so he must know what he's talking about.

We've been given Ketorolac (0.5%) drops to put into her right eye twice a day forever to try to keep prevent the cataract from getting larger. Apparently as the cataract progresses it can leak lens fibers and that's bad. The ophthalmologist wants to see her in three months to see how she's doing. He didn't talk about surgery this time around.


I don't know if it helps, but here are diagrams of the canine eye and lens to help you visualize what's going on. Don't let the human-looking eye in this diagram fool you - this is definitely a canine eye:

And here's a picture of the structure of the lens itself. It's in the same orientation as in the diagram of the eye above. Notice that the curvature of the lens is different on each side - I didn't know that was the case, but apparently it is. It's amazing what a person can learn with a bit of research, huh?

The posterior (P) of the lens is the back of the lens facing the retina, the anterior (A) is the front of the lens against the iris, the equator (E) is the widest point from top to bottom of the lens, and the capsule contains the lens itself. The lens is made up of fibres that are constantly being replenished; as new ones are formed in the subcapsular cortex (SC), the older ones are compressed into the cortex (C) and the very oldest ones are compressed into the nucleus (N).

We also took a picture of Gozer's right eye:

The green is the reflection of the pupil through the dilated pupil and the brown ring is her iris. The extra bump on the iris towards the bottom of the picture (her inner eye) and the little brown streaks coming from that are the adhesions or synechaie, I think. I think the white are between her pupil and that extra bump in the iris might be the cataract but I'm not sure. I'm not exactly sure where the hole in the iris is located.

In other Gozer news, before this appointment the vet did a blood and urine work-up. Since we don't know anything about Gozer's history we elected to do the geriatric blood panel because it gives more information. Overall, everything is ok. However, there are two results that are concerning.

First, they found triple phosphate crystals (also known as struvite crystals or magnesium ammonium phosphate crystals) in her urine. It's possible that she has a few bladder stones but since she's not having any problems urinating we're just going to keep an eye on her. 

Second and more concerning is that her thyroid levels were low. I'm actually not surprised about this since starting early last summer she started having problems going on long walks to the point of having to stop and rest after about 40 minutes and walking very, very slowly after that. She also starts panting after going up the stairs - she really doesn't have much stamina. And then there's the little matter of the weight she's gained that she hasn't been able to lose. She's lost and gained the same 0.3kg several times over the last few months. All these signs point to low thyroid levels, or hypothyroidism.

We could have done a more comprehensive thyroid panel right away but since we had planned to waist for three months to re-do the main thyroid test, I decided that it would be better just to wait and see what happens. If her thyroid levels are still low (and I expect they will be), then we'll do the more comprehensive panel. Even if she does have hypothyroidism, she's managing just fine right now.

So I think that's it for now - our little Fluffybutt has a cataract and some possible health issues. I wish she was perfectly healthy but how many dogs out there are perfectly healthy? Besides, it's good to catch these sorts of things earlier, when there might be something we can do about it, then wait until the issues were affecting her and any treatment is drastic.

2013 Grammy Awards Red Carpet

I know it's taken a while, but I think it's been worth the wait: here's the red carpet post for the recent Grammy awards!

One of the most interesting things about this red carpet is that CBS (the network that televises the show) sent out an email describing a dress code for the event, apparently in response to lawsuits about indecency on television. People were asked to :

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could  possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure.

I don't know how I feel about the dress code. I think it's ridiculous that many women feel they need to show off their bodies. On the other hand, I think if a woman is comfortable in her own skin, why shouldn't she dress in a way she likes? Then I think that I don't much like censorship in any form... but at the same time, I don't necessarily want to see everything a person has to offer.

Interestingly, it seems that no one was sent home to change even if they wore something that violated the rules. What's the point of a dress code that isn't enforced? That makes no sense to me.

Anyways, let's get on with the show. Happy reading!

The dryer saga continues

In last Saturday's episode of The Dryer Adventures, we were left with a rescheduled delivery date because the dryer hadn't been received at the distribution center. After we spoke with the distribution center and rescheduled the delivery for yesterday, we received the automated call from the delivery people indicating that they were on their way. Confused, since they weren't supposed to be delivering anything, we called the delivery number but they had no explanation for the call.

It turns out that the delivery people thought they still needed to pick up the dented dryer and they showed up to do that. Of course we sent them away because we don't want to be without a dryer.

Fast forward to yesterday, when we expected the delivery to arrive between noon and 5pm. I'd called the night before to confirm that they were not only delivering the dryer but also picking up the dented dryer because at this point I believe that could happen. Imagine our surprise when we received a call from our salesperson at about 9:30am to tell us that his manager informed him (on his day off) that the dryer hadn't been received at the distribution center.

Honestly, I thought that he and his manager had received the note from last week and didn't really believe that the dryer wasn't there again. I figured that the dryer would still arrive in the afternoon because how could it not have been received again? We had to take Gozer to the ophthalmologist that morning (more about that in tomorrow's post) and I left early so that I could be home by noon in case the dryer really was going to be delivered.

As it happened, I could have stayed at the appointment because the dryer really didn't arrive. At least no one came to try to take our dented dryer away! The department manager called yesterday afternoon to tell me that she is investigating the location of our dryer. She'd hoped to hear something yesterday but didn't think she would and she's off for the long weekend so she's going to call me back on Tuesday with the information. We have tentatively scheduled the dryer to be delivered this coming Friday between noon and 5pm and we'll reschedule it if necessary.

We'll see what happens. We'll have a new and undented dryer someday, I'm sure of it.

In other news, I'm working on the Grammys red carpet post and I expect to have it up tomorrow. I know, I'm slow, but you don't mind waiting, do you?

Signing up to be an organ donor

Organ and tissue donors are always needed. However, the process to sign up to be an organ donor has changed a few times over the last few years. It used to be that we ticked off a box when applying for either our driver's licenses or photo health cards and the information was printed on the back of that card. For a while we filled out cards and kept them in our wallets.

Now there's a new organ donor registration process here in Ontario. We have to register online, through a ServiceOntario kiosk, or by mail with our health card number. I understand that this might make the process easier but it's frustrating that the process keeps changing. There are people carrying around organ donor cards who think they're registered but that's no longer true.

I strongly believe in being an organ donor. I don't know if my organs or tissues will be wanted because of the mets and the sarcoidosis but according to the frequently asked questions, a pre-existing medical condition does not preclude anyone from donating their organs or tissues. The final medical team will determine which, if any, organs and tissues can be used.

Therefore, I've gone ahead and registered as an organ and tissue donor. Wherever you are, if you want to donate your organs and tissues after you die - to give the gift of live and health to someone else - then be sure to register yourself. It also doesn't hurt to tell someone about your wishes.

Garments and prosthetics

I planned to work on a Grammy red carpet post today but I noticed that my arm was a bit swollen. I'd walked Gozer while Ian was away and at one point she pulled on the leash hard enough to hyper-extend my left arm. My original breast cancer was on my left side and they took out lymph nodes in my left armpit. When they take lymph nodes out from that location, lymphedema - or swelling - of the left arm is a side effect.

I've had lymphedema show up in my left arm before. Luckily, it's mild so my arm and hand don't swell up too much but when it does show up I wear a compression sleeve on my arm and a compression gauntlet on my hand.

So what does this have to do with hyper-extending my left arm while walking Gozer? Well, as the arm started to heal, it swelled up a bit. I noticed a bit of swelling yesterday before bed and was concerned enough to measure my arms. I don't wear the compression garments at night, though, so I made a mental note of the swelling and went to bed.

This morning my forearm and hand up to the knuckles were all swollen so that I couldn't fully bend my arm or close my hand. Out came the compression garments. I wore them while making dinner and learned a valuable lesson: if you chop onions without protecting the fabric compression gauntlet, that gauntlet will smell like onions.

In addition to wearing the compression garments I've been trying to massage my arm to encourage the lymph fluid to flow up the arm and down my side. Hopefully the swelling will subside and I can put away these garments. It wouldn't be so bad if they were my skin colour or even the same colour. There's a company out there that makes printed sleeves in a variety of patterns. I'm thinking of getting a set so that my arm will look interesting when I wear these garments. Since the lymphedema is rearing its ugly head, it would be prudent for me to wear the garments when I fly and I might like something a little more stylish.

In other news, although I was happy with the breast prosthetic that I bought, it's a little bit large and doesn't fit quite right. I've been thinking that it would be great to get one custom-made to be symmetrical and to fit to the shape that's there. It turns out that this is actually possible! There's a company in Toronto that makes them (and another company! it seems Toronto is at the forefront of custom breast prosthetics). I'm going to contact them and find out how long it could take and what kind of costs I'd be looking at. I'd love to be symmetrical again.

Weather and tv

We haven't had strange enough weather lately, I think. To make up for that, the temperature will rise through the night and in the next 24 hours we'll get freezing rain, rain, and snow on top of the snow we got on Friday.  Wait a day and the weather will change again, I'm sure.

Ian's flight ended up terribly delayed on Friday. It was supposed to arrive at Pearson airport in Toronto at about 8pm. Instead, Pearson grounded all flights at their origins until 8pm (and later 9pm) because of the storm so Ian's flight sat on the tarmac for two and a half hours after he boarded - after it was already an hour and a half late.

When they finally landed, three and a half hours later than scheduled, there was no gate available for them so they sat on the tarmac for about an hour waiting for one. After getting gate information, the plane taxied to the gate only to find out that there was no ground crew to bring the plane in or get the baggage. The plane sat 100ft from the gate for over two hours waiting for ground crew to arrive. Ian finally made it into the airport just after 3am, over seven hours late, and he didn't get home until 5am.

At least he made it home. Other people's flights were cancelled and couldn't get home until today and he had enough batteries in his tablet, PSVita, and Kindle to keep himself entertained on the plane for the ten hours he was on the plane.

I'm watching the Grammys tonight. I missed the first half-hour because I was watching a recording but that's ok. The show is always entertaining what with the musical performances and all the musical people. It looks like people wore some interesting outfits and I'm looking forward to reviewing them in the next red carpet post.

Snow snow!

It's a winter wonderland out there! A winter storm came through and dumped a ridiculous amount of snow on us. This evening the snow, when shovelled, was over Gozer's head! My rough measurement showed that we got about 15" or 16" (37-40cm) of snow but the news outlets are saying that we only got about 12" (30cm) we got a bit more: 17" (43cm). That's a crazy amount of snow to fall in just one day! I think the snow has stopped falling and is starting to drift now.

Walking Gozer has been an adventure today. This morning we had about 8" (20cm) on the ground and almost none of the sidewalks were cleared. We tried to walk on the sidewalk but I got tired trying to break a trail and she got tired bounding from spot to spot (although she looked super-cute doing it!). We ended up walking in the ruts on the road in the opposite direction as traffic. Fortunately there was almost no traffic out there so it was safe enough but we kept the walk short.

This evening's walk was also short because not all of the sidewalks were clear - some had only been shoveled once and some not at all - and there was too much traffic for me to feel safe walking her on the road. She was able to do all of her business this morning but not this evening so I might take her out before bedtime. She's looking a little more restless than she usually does so might benefit from going for a short walk. We'll see - it's supposed to be cold and windy out there and I don't really want to go outside. But it's not all about me, is it? :)

Our neighbour has a snowblower and he cleared our driveway this morning and again this evening. I'm really grateful to him for doing that because I can't shovel that much snow and Ian is out of town. He's actually on his way back right now although the weather has definitely interfered with his travel plans. He was supposed to be home by now but the flight out there was almost two hours late waiting to be de-iced and then his flight back sat on the tarmac for almost two hours. Apparently the Toronto airport is delaying inbound flights before takeoff because the of the weather.

At this point, Ian's flight is scheduled to touch down at about 11pm and be at the gate by 11:30pm. I hope that his flight isn't delayed any more and that he's able to get home tonight. If the roads are really bad then it might be better for him to stay at the hotel at the airport rather than trying to get home. Of course I'd rather he came home, and I know he wants to come home, but I want him to be safe, too.

It's supposed to be clear and not snow tomorrow so hopefully the roads and sidewalks will be cleared up. We're expecting our dryer to be delivered tomorrow and with luck it'll actually happen.

More dryer adventures

Getting a new dryer has turned out to be less easy than we thought it would be. We thought that after the actual purchase went so well, the delivery would be a piece of cake.

Ha. The delivery people did get there on time, which was great. However, they were unhappy that Ian was reading the contract he was asked to sign and tried to pressure him into just signing it. Apparently they never drop anything, you see.

They do forget to deliver some parts, however, and they also forget to install the dryer properly. The dryer we bought was supposed to come with an interior drying rack and we didn't receive it. The dryer also has leveling feet, which they did deliver but which they didn't actually install.

As Ian was installing the leveling feet, he noticed a giant dent in the back of the dryer and scratches from the dryer being installed without the feet. The delivery people may not have dropped it but someone definitely did. Even though the dent doesn't affect the functionality of the dryer, since we paid for a new dryer I want a new dryer in perfect condition. I called customer service, explained the situation, and they were very accommodating. They said that they'd send a message to our sales associate and that he would arrange for a new delivery and for the current dryer to be picked up.

On Sunday I got a call from a different sales associate who said that our sales associate wouldn't be in until Tuesday but that he (the guy phoning) had ordered a replacement dryer and had requested an extra quality check before it could be delivered. He said to go ahead and use the dryer we got because they don't want us to be without a dryer. He said that our sales associate would call on Tuesday to confirm the delivery time - and here it is, just after 9pm on Tuesday, and I haven't heard from the sales associate.

At least the dryer, even with a big dent in the back, dries clothes quite well. Someday I hope we'll have a lovely new dryer without a dent or scratches on it.

Talking about our dryer

Our new dryer arrives tomorrow! I'm thrilled that we'll have a dryer that works so that laundry takes less time.

When we bought the dryer, the salesperson made arrangements for the delivery people to take our old dryer out to the curb to be picked up with our regular garbage collection. However, garbage collection is tomorrow morning and we don't want the dryer setting out there all week. Even if we were allowed to do that, but we aren't - bylaws prohibit us from putting garbage out in front of our house when it isn't our night.

Both Ian and I separately concluded that we needed to put the old dryer out at the curb tonight so that it could be picked up tomorrow. It took hardly any time to get the dryer out there; Ian mostly did it himself with me helping a bit to bring it down the stairs. Ian put the leaking cooler out there, too.

Imagine our surprise when both the dryer and cooler were gone within an hour! There are pickers that drive around the night before garbage day looking for good stuff and I guess our dryer and cooler qualified. I'm actually happy that they picked up the dryer because I'm quite sure it can be refurbished - I just didn't want to pay for it to be done. I also didn't want to see it go to a landfill. I don't love it when the pickers drive around (I find it creepy) but I do love that they took the appliances at our curb.

Small changes on the way

We bought a new dryer to replace our old one and it'll be delivered on Thursday. We'd hoped to get a dryer that matched our washer, which we bought when we moved into the house. Unfortunately, while the style of dryer is still available, the colour we have ("night sky blue") has been discontinued. We didn't want to spend a lot of time shopping for dryers so our choices were between getting a matching style but a non matching colour or the upgraded version of our current dryer.

We ended up getting the updated version of our current dryer because it has a hamper door. This means it opens downward and can be used as a platform for sorting laundry. We love this door because some of our tops have to be hung up to dry and we can plop the laundry on the door and pull those ones out. Our washer and dryer are in the mudroom coming in from the garage and trying to sort the laundry straight out of the washer ends up with laundry all over the dirty floor.

In other news, I'm an Auntie again! Ian's brother and his wife had a baby girl on Tuesday. It's quite exciting to have a little person in the extended family.

A bit of this and that

Today was my first metalsmithing class in ages. I'd planned to go to the session last fall but I wasn't up to going to any of the classes. I feel like I'm doing a lot better and I've been looking forward to getting back into metalsmithing. Because I've done literally nothing at all with metal since last summer (except for one open studio session in December) I figure I'll start by just working on the class demos instead of working on any actual project.

A friend and I are also going to take an online class on making a felted cloche hat. We're going to dye our own wool and everything! My friend is also going to teach me some quilting stuff in exchange for me teaching her some sewing stuff. This year appears to be shaping up to be my most creative yet and I'm excited to see what comes out of it.

In less positive news, our dryer doesn't seem to be working. I went to put a load of laundry in the dryer and thought the light was burned out because it wasn't on. Unfortunately, the dryer wouldn't start so I ended up having to hang all of my laundry. I checked the breaker and it hadn't popped so we think electricity is going to the outlet but we don't have a multimeter to test it. Our contractor neighbour will have one so I'll ask him to check whether there's power at that outlet; if there is, then we're buying a new dryer. We wouldn't want to spend money on a dryer only to find out that the problem is with the outlet!

UPDATE: The outlet is working, so the problem is with the dryer. Sigh. 

Going to the vet

It's freezing out there, with windchills around -25C which just feels cold. Gozer isn't getting very long walks because it's much too cold out there for her even if she did like wearing her booties and her coat fit her properly. Because Gozer is chubbier than she was last year her coat is a little bit snug and doesn't want to stay closed. I need to make a couple of velcro extenders for the coat because we don't have time to go and buy her another one and it's so cold that she's got to wear it.

This afternoon we walked to the vet's for her follow-up visit after finishing all those antibiotics. I thought about rescheduling the appointment but it isn't going to get much warmer until next week and I didn't want to wait that long to take her. So we trudged through the cold and wind to see the vet and it's just as well that we did.

Gozer's goopy eyes have cleared up - yay! - but her ear isn't completely cleared up so we have stronger drops for it once per day for the next nine days. We can go to the vet's for a checkup in two weeks if we want and I think we might want to do that.

The vet was able to express Gozer's left anal gland but Gozer did not want her right anal gland expressed at all, which leads the vet to think that there are still some problems there. We're just going to keep an eye on it for now and if she seems to have problems we'll take her to the vet. Because Gozer is so opposed to having the glands expressed, the vet might need to mildly sedate her to get it done so that she doesn't start associating the vet with the wriggling and pain and scary stuff.

Most concerning is that the vet thinks that Gozer's cataract in her right eye has grown since she discovered it only two weeks ago. There's a veterinary ophthalmologist here in town and the vet suggested that Gozer be referred for a check-up there. Even if the cataract turns out not to be not too big of a deal right now, the exam will provide a baseline. On the bright side, since Gozer is so young she might be a good candidate for cataract surgery. Not that I want to unnecessarily put her through surgery but I don't like the idea of her not being able to see out of that eye for the majority of her life. Of course these are decisions for another day.

Funny that Gozer's issues are all on the right side. I hope that her ear clears up because she's clearly uncomfortable with it. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we're looking forward to the day when it warms up here. We don't like being out in the cold.

2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet, Part 2

Here are the rest of the red carpet outfits from the 2013 Golden Globes!

Enjoy all the pretty (and not so pretty) dresses after the jump.

2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet, Part 1

It's been so long since I've done a red carpet post that I'd forgotten how long it takes to do one! While I haven't finished evaluating all of the outfits, I've got through almost half of them and figured you'd like to see my progress so far.

So here you go.... my first red carpet post in I don't know how long. Enjoy Part 1; the second part will be up tomorrow or Sunday.

Working on a red carpet post

I'm working on a red carpet post for the Golden Globe awards but it's not finished yet. I hope to have at least half of the dresses (out of about ninety) evaluated tomorrow.

I've actually been quite busy lately. I had lunch with a few friends yesterday that I hadn't seen for a while. One of my friends brought her ten-month old daughter with her. Apparently no one other than her mother can hold her... except for me :) I have a face that's proportioned like a baby's's face: round with features close together. I couldn't hold the baby for very long but she was comfortable with me for a few minutes, anyway.

I've been a bit tired lately because I've been up early to help Ian give Gozer her eye ointment and ear drops. Gozer doesn't mind the eye ointment, so much, but she definitely does not like getting the ear stuff squirted into her ear; she does not like it at all. Her dislike for the ear drops is mitigated by the pill covered in peanut butter treat she gets afterwards. Fortunately I only need to get up early for two more days.

Gozer and I have been going on walks in the afternoon because it's been so nice out. I think she's missed going on afternoon walks and we've both been enjoying the slightly warmer weather. Going on a longer walk in the afternoon when it's warmer is nicer than walking later when it's cold out. As well, she gets a chance to sniff more when she walks with me than when she walks with Ian (whether I'm there or not) in the morning or evening.

Hmmm, I feel like I've been really busy but it seems that I haven't done all that much. At least I'm doing something, right? Tomorrow you'll get to read my thoughts on the Golden Globes dresses!

Golden Globe awards

It's the start of the big award season! Yay! I'm watching the Golden Globes right now and while there seem to be more commercials than usual, I'm enjoying the show very much.

This year's show is hosted by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey and their comic genius has permeated the entire show. This may be a big awards show but there's a close, friendly vibe. People were making jokes, when things went wrong people just laughed, and everyone seemed to have a great time. Jodie Foster's acceptance speech was brilliant and poked fun at media and reality shows and being gay and single and how much she values privacy. I don't know if she had planned it in advance or if she spoke off the cuff (Ian says she planned it) but her speech was wonderful.

The dresses women are wearing are lovely, for the most part. There are lots of beaded embellishments and lots of lace and lots of sheer fabrics. I'm looking forward to doing the red carpet post in the next few days

No more tasty water for a while

Since we brought back the tasty water, we've gone through a lot more than usual. Normally we finished one 18.9L water bottle per week with my two or three litres of water per day and Ian's lesser water usage. However, in the last week we'd finished between one and a half and two of those bottles and that's an unusually high consumption rate.

At first I thought that I was drinking all that excess water but when I counted the number of times I fill my water bottle, I realized that there was no way I was drinking quite that much. Ian hasn't been drinking much more water, either. So what's happening with our water?

It was leaking is what was happening. We should have known better than to put the cooler directly on the hardwood floor instead of on a drip catcher mat of some sort, but we apparently didn't. Now the hardwood under the cooler is swollen and uneven. The water had seeped below the subfloor onto the top of the joists but hadn't dripped onto anything in the basement, which is good.

Hardwood isn't the best choice for a kitchen; it's what the house came with and it looks really nice but if we'd had tile or vinyl or whatever else, we'd have seen that the cooler was leaking days ago and the subfloor wouldn't be all soaked with water. Someday we might change the floors but that day is far away. We'll have to buy a new water cooler and when we do, it'll go on a mat so that leaks will be immediately obvious.

So it's back to the Brita water until we get out and find ourselves a new cooler. We figure we'll look at Costco and at Crystal Clear (where we buy our tasty water) and hopefully find something soon. I like the yummy water so much and I'm missing it already.

One-sided snowball fight

I had a bit of a negative experience today while on my way to my hair appointment. It started off with me running a bit late for my hair appointment and having trouble finding a parking space. After circling the block once, I decided to park in a lot across the street and about a half-block away from the salon. When I got there, I drove quickly but carefully through the parking lot to a space close to the intersection I had to cross..

As I was walking towards the light I heard a guy start yelling and swearing and making a lot of noise behind me and moving in my general direction. Another guy started yelling at him and their conversation devolved into a "f*ck you" "no, f*ck YOU" exchange. I didn't really pay attention to either guy beyond because I don't want to get involved in situations like that.

While I was waiting for the light to change, a snowball hit the ground a few feet in front of me and then another one hit my feet. I turned around, saw a guy looking at me, and said, "what's your problem?" The sam guy who'd started yelling before said, "you f*cking asshole, you should drive slow through a parking lot!!" I knew it was the same guy because he used the same language and had the same voice. I didn't say anything in response and just continued to my appointment.

The person at the front desk in the salon had seen the guy throw a few snowballs (as in, more than the two that I saw) but didn't know that I'd been the target or that the guy had yelled at me. We laughed it off and I got my hair cut. Afterwards, I checked the car to be sure that the guy hadn't keyed it or slashed the tires or anything and picked up a few things at the grocery store. I'd planned to do more errands but started feeling really tense and upset so I went home instead.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I was freaking out because this guy had yelled and made noise, followed me for half a block, and thrown snowballs at me just to get my attention so that he could yell at me. Although clearly the guy had issues that have nothing to do with me, he had behaved in a threatening manner by following me and had assaulted me both verbally and with snowballs. It was a scary situation and even now as I write about it, I'm feeling stressed and upset and I want to curl into a ball.

Ian said that I should have called the police from the salon and he's right: I should have been reported the guy when the incident was fresh in my mind. At the time, however, I froze and made a joke out of it because that's been my coping behaviour in situations where I'm threatened. Telling someone in authority that someone has done something to me just doesn't occur to me. I'm going to talk to my psychologist about this because I think it would be healthier (and safer) for me to contact the authorities when someone does something to me.

Hopefully I won't run into the guy again... at least until I've figured out how to deal with situations like this when they happen. For now I'm going to cuddle our dog and let some of her calm energy wash over me.

More vet adventures

We had a big day at the vet today because Gozer met two different dogs. When we got to the vet's, Gozer met a 4 1/2 month-old puppy who was afraid of her and who barked and tried to attack her. Gozer kept on trying to meet the puppy and wasn't at all fazed by the puppy's antics. Just before we were leaving, Gozer met a 12 1/2 year-old dog who was quite happy to sniff (and drool) on her. That dog was afraid to be at the vet's and left two presents on the floor both before and after he went in the exam room. Gozer wasn't there for that part.

We were at the vet's for quite a while this afternoon. Gozer had been licking and licking and licking at her butt over the last couple of days so I asked the vet to take a look at it as well as looking at her infected ear and her goopy eyes. The vet cleared out the hair in Gozer's ear and after checking a sample of the gunk there, discovered that the infection was mild. It turns out that Gozer was licking at her butt because she had swollen anal glands. The vet expressed those glands and apparently the stuff that came out was a bit infected.

As well as having ear and butt problems, Gozer has red eyes from irritation and also has a small cataract in her right eye. She hasn't increased the amount she's drinking or peeing so the vet isn't worried that she has diabetes. Cataracts usually appear in older dogs but everything about Gozer indicates that she's about three years old now. Therefore, her cataract is probably genetic. Clearly we'll need to keep an eye on her eye.

Gozer also spends a lot of time licking her front feet. We thought that she was doing it because of her booties but apparently ear infections, anal gland problems, and licking feet can all be signs of food allergies. The allergy compromises the immune system and the dog ends up with all kinds of problems. Gozer does get a very itchy face right after eating and gets a very hot back as well. We're to watch for signs of flushing in her ears or belly at any time and keep track of when it happens.

If Gozer does turn out to have a food allergy, we'll have to take her off all of her food - her kibble, peanut butter, and cookies - and introduce a hypoallergenic food. If she stays stable on it for eight to twelve weeks, we can re-introduce one thing, wait to see if she's ok, and introduce the others. The current food is a dental food that keeps her teeth clean and if we're not allowed to give her that, we'll have to look at keeping her teeth clean another way.

That's all long-term stuff. In the short term, to treat Gozer's ear, eyes, and butt, we have drops, a gel, and oral antibiotics. The drops go in her right ear twice a day for ten days, the gel on both eyes twice a day for ten days, and the antibiotics twice a day for ten days. Poor girl, she's practically falling apart!

Giving Gozer her eye gel is definitely a two-person job so I'll be getting up early for the next ten days to do that. We go back to the vet in two weeks to see how she's doing. Hopefully she feels better.

Gozer gets groomed

Gozer was groomed today, finally! The last time she was groomed was in early November so she was looking very shaggy. Her long, curly hair was developing a lot of snowballs when she was out in the snow, too, which made for some very uncomfortable walks. Snowballs between her toes hurt her feet and make it painful to walk but she doesn't like her booties because the narrowest part rubs against her dew claws and she finds that uncomfortable.

Gozer doesn't love being groomed. She's fine going to the place but wants to leave right away. Today, as soon as the groomer came out to get her, she jumped onto the lap of a fellow who was there with his dog. As if some stranger will protect her from the mean groomers when her own mommy won't! After that, Gozer tried to hide under the reception desk so the groomer ended up carrying her to the grooming area.

Apparently Gozer was comparatively well-behaved during grooming. Normally she howls and cries when she's being dried but this time she only barked the way she does when she sees another dog and wants something from it.

Unfortunately, Gozer has a mild ear infection. Her breed has hair instead of fur and that hair grows thickly in her ear canals, too. If the hair isn't plucked regularly, it can block the ear canal and create a lovely place for bacteria to grow. The last time Gozer was groomed the groomer didn't really pluck her ears so there was a lot of extra hair in there. The groomer got some of the hair out and there's some redness in the ear as well as goop. I think the ear infection might be related to the extra-goopy eyes she's had lately.

The groomer cleared out Gozer's ears a bit but obviously Gozer didn't like it and the groomer didn't want to press the issue. We have an appointment to see the groomer and the vet tomorrow to get the infection looked at and the ear cleaned out. Fortunately the infection is still mild but I want it to get it taken care of as soon as possible.

Excitement in our neighbourhood

We had a bit of excitement in our neighbourhood yesterday. Our street is a dead-end place which connects to one of the main streets in our area. There's a bus that runs on that street and yesterday, a passenger on the bus took another passenger hostage. The police blocked off the street so that traffic couldn't get through while they negotiated with the hostage-taker. They brought in the tactical squad and dogs, too.

According to comments on a news story, the hostage-taker first demanded McDonald's, which he got, and then heroin, which he didn't get. He claimed to have a gun and a syringe containing his HIV+ blood but no weapons were found.

Seeing the police out in force was a little scary. We didn't know what was going on at first and we weren't about to go out and ask the police about the situation. The first news report we saw said that they were asking people to stay away from the area. This got me to thinking: what if they'd evacuated our street? The bus wasn't that far away and if there'd been a bomb on it, we would definitely have been evacuated. Well, they would have tried to evacuate us: we were in the basement and I almost never hear the doorbell when I'm down there. Ian was playing a video game and we definitely wouldn't have heard anyone at the door.

The idea that our area could be evacuated and I wouldn't know it is frightening. Thankfully, we don't get a lot of hostage-takers on buses around here so we don't need to do something about it today .... but we need to do something about it soon by installing a doorbell in the basement. If the police come to my door, I want to know that they're there and answer it. Sure, it would mean that I'd hear and answer the door to annoying sales people, but I think that's a small price to pay.

BTW, Gozer really wanted to bark at the police dog when we took her out yesterday evening. Silly girl!

The tasty water is back!

We finally have water in our water cooler again! We've been living on Brita water for the last month or so and I just don't like the taste as much as I like the water cooler water. You'd think it was just water but the water from the tap here isn't very tasty and the Brita doesn't filter out whatever it is that makes the water taste the way it does. It would be perfectly fine to drink in a post-apocalyptic setting where water is scarce but since we're not living in that world, I want tasty water. Also, when you drink at least two litres of water each day like I do, you want that water to be tasty.)

The reason we were without yummy water for so long is that we discovered an algae problem. When we last took the bottles in to fill them, we noticed that there was some green stuff in the bottom of each bottle. We checked the water cooler and saw green spots in the top of it. Sigh. We'd had problems with algae in our Brita container before and I think it made me sick but I never expected to have problems with the water cooler.

We think that the algae spores must have blown in from the fountain. We had a lot more algae in the fountain this past year than the year before because the fountain was going for so much longer and it was so much warmer and drier. Even so, I have no idea how the spores got into the bottles or the cooler (or the Brita before, since the algae showed up in February). If there are spores flying into our water bottles, this must mean that there's quite a bit of algae spores flying around in general so we're breathing them in. That's not good. We'll have to try to do something about the algae next year.

To get rid of the algae, Ian used dry rice to scrub out the bottles, rinsed them in a weak bleach solution, and rinsed them thoroughly. I'm not sure how he cleaned the cooler as I wasn't here for that; all I know is that he used a bleach solution but I'm not sure what else he did. Really, all I care about is that the water tastes yummy again.

Movie: The Panic in Needle Park

Although I haven't talked much about it, I still watch a fair number of movies. Tonight I watched The Panic in Needle Park, a 1971 movie starring Kitty Winn as Helen and Al Pacino in his first major role as Bobby.

Bobby is a small-time hustler and heroin addict living around "Needle Park" an area in New York City around Broadway and 72nd St. He visits a friend and first meets Helen while visiting a friend as she recovers from an illegal abortion there. Later, when Helen checks into the hospital, Bobby comes to see her. She's homeless now and stays with him. In another place and time this would be the beginning of a wonderful relationship but here it's the beginning of a downward spiral for both of them.

Soon enough, Helen picks up Bobby's heroin addiction and the two of them move from place to place she prostitutes herself and they deal drugs to support their habits. Eventually she's arrested and rats on Bobby to in order to avoid jail herself. At the end of the film she picks him up from jail and they walk away. It's a sad and predictable story and while I've seen what seems like a kabillion movies of this type, this one was very powerful.

Part of the film's power is that it is 40 years old and could practically have taken place today. It seems that couples who share drug addictions always follow the same path: love and happiness in the early, idyllic days followed by desperation for the drug over anything, including the other person. That craving becomes the focus of the relationship.

This film is also shot in a realistic documentary style. There is no soundtrack or music used in the film and the entire film is shot on location on the dirty streets and grimy diners of the area, with actors that wore no makeup and looked dirty and worn-down when they couldn't get any heroin and a face-rubbing, eyes-closed, dopey mess when they could get it. The scenes where the baby cries while people are scoring drugs

Of course what makes this film great - as great as Trainspotting or Requiem for a Dream  - is Al Pacino's performance. He really sold the small-time drug addict hustler role with the rages and cravings and hustler ways. He and Kitty Winn really sell the love between their characters - the love that binds them through everything. Without him, this film would still be good; with him, it's great. If you have a chance to see it, take that chance; it's well worth your time.

Happy new year!

Happy New Year! May this year bring you happiness, good health, and prosperity.

I got away from writing in my blog every day in 2012. I'm not exactly sure why or how that happened; a lot of the time I was withdrawing into myself and didn't feel like writing. Even if I did feel like writing, I didn't think I had all that much to say. Looking back over the preceding years, I prefer reading my daily posts over my once-in-a-while posts as there's more continuity and I have a better sense of how things were going for me.

Over the last year and a half I've really been struggling to stay grounded and halfway normal. The depression I've lived with for most of my life got a lot worse and during the summer of 2011 when I started to hear a voice in my head telling to kill myself, I knew it was time to get help. My psychologist has been extremely helpful in uncovering the reasons behind some of my thinking and figuring out ways to deal with stuff.

For example, it turns out that the voices in my head were developed during my childhood when they served a protective function for me. It also turns out that I spent parts of my childhood not exactly there and that I dissociated whenever things were too much for me. When I first realized that I'd coped in these ways I was a little taken aback because those coping methods are considered mental illnesses in some circles. The idea that I wasn't just struggling with depression but a larger mental illness scared and humbled me.

One other issue we've discovered is that I also had some rage issues towards children: when I saw babies or toddlers on tv or in person, especially if they were happy or laughing, I'd feel overwhelmingly angry towards them. I also felt that anger when children were having a temper tantrum or were behaving badly. It turns out that because my childhood wasn't great and was lacking in childlike joys, I was jealous of happy children... and I wanted the unhappy children to be quiet.

By identifying where these issues have had their roots and establishing ways of dealing with them, I've been able to work through a lot. Some of the ways that I've been working through stuff is by identifying what I'm actually feeling - not what I think I'm feeling, but my actual feelings - and naming it, as well as journaling and doing things that I find soothing, like spending time in the garden or whatever. I haven't been comfortable sharing all of this stuff because until I could process all of it. It's also hard to talk about the fact that I've got some mental illnesses going on because it's kind of scary and there's such a stigma against it.

I tell you, dealing with the mess that was my childhood and my more recent mental illness and then learning new ways of dealing with everything takes a lot of energy. I've spent hardly any time doing anything - let alone anything creative - because I've been so focused on making things better for me. I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner now, however. Even though I still have a ways to go and I'm not all the way better, I feel like I've passed through the worst and come out the other side, ready to be the me I've worked so hard to develop.

This is going to be a great year for me, I think.

Movies: "A Late Quartet" and "Les Misérables"

Happy New Year!

I've been home for a couple of days but I've been so tired that I've mostly just been dozing while pretending to surf the net while watching Ian play video games. I had a wonderful, if exhausting, time in Edmonton seeing my friends and family. I wasn't able to have a long visit with everyone but my visits were definitely quality time.

While I was in Edmonton, I saw two movies: A Late Quartet and Les Misérables.

A Late Quartet stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Christopher Walken as two members of a string quartet; when Christopher Walken's character discovers that he must retire due to health issues, the entire quartet is thrown into chaos. Long-buried hopes, ideas, dreams, and lusts come to light, fracturing the relationships in the quartet. Watching the relationships unfold and change makes for an engrossing, interesting film.

This is a beautiful, thoughtful movie and I imagine that if you know a lot about music you'd get so much more out of it than I did. What I especially loved about this movie is that it really captured how life-changing an illness is for someone and how changes in one person's life affect the lives of the people around that person. I highly recommend this film.

Les Misérables is the movie adaptation of the stage musical adaptation of Victor Hugo's epic book of the same name. It follows Jean Valjean as he is released from prison, forges a new identity, and tries to escape his past. At the same time, he is raising Cosette, Fantine's daughter whom he promised to raise, and Cosette and a revolutionary fall in love. If it sounds complicated, it is, kind of; there are several stories going on at once and the work covers about 15 years. Underlying these storylines is a question of redemption by asking whether a person can ever redeem bad behaviour and, if they can, whether the behaviour is redeemed through the law or religion.

To be completely honest, I didn't like this movie. My friend loved it, as did many other people who saw it, but I didn't think it was very good. I've been trying to figure out why I didn't like it and it seems that there are a number of things I didn't like.

I've never seen the stage musical and if I had, I suspect I'd have enjoyed this movie so much more. Many of the things I disliked - the lyrics that were simplistic, the tuneless singing that replaces dialogue since the musical is sung-through, and the lack of variety in the music - apparently came straight from the musical. If I'd seen and liked the musical, I most likely would have reacted to them differently while watching the movie.

There were elements unique to the movie that I didn't like, such as the close-up of the actor's face during each and every song. This technique would have been interesting had it been used a few times instead of during every single song. To be fair, the closeness of the close-up varied: sometimes only the actor's face was visible while other times the audience could see the actor's shoulders or their arms. The over-use of the close-up technique quickly becomes terribly monotonous. Oddly, on the other hand, most of the backgrounds were obviously computer-generated without much depth or detail and I found that this detracted from the movie as much as the extreme closeups. If I can count every nose hairs of every singer, why can't I see a realistic, believable background?

I also found that the singing voices of the two main characters - Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean and Russell Crowe as Javert, the policeman who pursues him - were not very strong. I know that Hugh Jackman has a very strong singing voice but in this movie his voice is thin and nasally and lacks depth or feeling. Russell Crowe's voice was not up to the task of singing his part and his voice came across as weak and shallow. This movie was shot with the actors actually singing  their songs instead of lip-syncing them and I wonder if this technique, along with the extreme close-ups, prevented them from using their full voices because they were trying to act and sing at the same time?

The movie wasn't all bad and there were a few bright spots primarily among the supporting cast. Anne Hathaway's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" as Fantine was moving even in its extreme close-up. I expect that she'll be nominated for an Oscar for that performance. Samantha Barks as Éponine performed very well in her debut film performance, injecting passion into both her voice and mannerisms. Russel Crowe and Hugh Jackman could have used some of this passion themselves!

People who love the musical Les Misérables will love this movie no matter what I or anyone else says about it. If you're not a fan of the musical or you haven't seen it (or listened to one or another recording), I'd recommend that you want for the DVD to come out before seeing this movie, if only because the closeups will be that much smaller on your personal tv.

On my way to Edmonton tomorrow

I'm heading out to Edmonton tomorrow morning for Christmas for the first time in quite a few years. It's going to be strange, not being with Ian's family after spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them for so many years but we'll exchange presents when I get back next week.

I'm going for Christmas so that the bulk of my visit will overlap with my sister's visit in Edmonton. She moved to England a few months ago and this will be her first visit back since she moved. Having moved far away from Edmonton (although not as far as she's moved) myself, I know how stressful it can be to be away and come back. I hope that I can help make her time in Edmonton less stressful.

I get to see my friends in Edmonton this time around, too, and I'm very excited about that. I haven't seen some of them in a long time and I'm looking forward to catching up with them. I'm being careful not to overdo it each day while I'm there so that I don't end up exhausted while I'm there.

I would have stayed in Edmonton even longer but I end up missing Gozer too much. Of course I miss Ian, too, but I can email him and call him on the phone. Gozer doesn't understand how to work phones and she's not so good with the email because she can't type. I spend so much of my time with her that it's weird to not have her nearby and I imagine she feels much the same way. I am leaving things that smell like me so she'll be able to sleep on my scent.

I won't be posting much while I'm away (not that I post much these days anyways) so don't be alarmed if you don't see a Merry Christmas post. I'll be back before the new year, however.

I know I should have posted this before but we did put a little costume on Gozer on Halloween and I wanted to share the pictures with you. Enjoy!

Really? Do I have to do this?

Scan results

Ian came with me to see my oncologist this morning. Normally I go alone because the appointments are routine for me but whenever I'm getting test results I like to have him there. He's better at processing information when stressed - or when I'm stressed, at least - and he's more stable emotionally than I am, which is comforting.

Fortunately, his information-processing and comforting skills were not required today because my bone and CT scans came back clear. In fact, the lesions on my sternum have healed even more than they had the last time. Yay!!!

My oncologist and I figure that the pain in my sternum came from wearing a cross-body carry-on bag when I travelled to Chicago. She told me today that cross-body bags are no longer allowed for me. While this is a small price to pay for not having pain, not carrying these types of bags will require some adjustment. I used to see myself as one of those travellers who could dash through airports carrying their own bags (I may have added a touch of glamour to that vision so feel free to add that in there).

The reality is that I very rarely dash anywhere, let alone in airports, and it's not like I can't buy or use bags with wheels on them. I'm now one of those people who stroll through airports with my case(s) in tow. This isn't so bad. Besides, accepting one's changing body and the limitations those changes bring is part of the aging process. Adjusting my inner picture (aka fantasy) of who I am is part of how I accept my changing self.

I'm so lucky that my cancer is still stable six(!!!) years after the mets were confirmed in my sternum. If I was allowed to have the saturated fat, I'd celebrate with ice cream or cake. Or both. With some cookies on the side. Since that delicious eating feast isn't possible, I think I'll celebrate my continued stable status with a little shopping for practical but stylish, rolling carry-on bags.

Call from my oncologist

My oncologist called me today to tell me that the ultrasound and mammogram I had recently showed something in one of my surgery scars. It appears to be a cyst that's filled with fluid and they want me to come in for a follow-up ultrasound in about six months. Then she said that she hadn't looked at the results from the bone or CT scans and would see me Friday.

So.... is it just me, or does it seem weird for her to have called me about this result and not the others? Clearly the mammogram results were flagged somehow and if the bone and CT scans showed something, I'd expect them to be flagged, too. So I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, the bone and CT scan results were unremarkable.

One way or another, we'll find out on Friday. I just thought it was weird that she would call to give me some results and not others.

It is possible that the thing found in the scar isn't a cyst but the cancer returning there - if that's what's going on, then we'd just do a mastectomy and get rid of my ever-flattening mini-boob. As an aside, the difference between it and my fully-growed boob appears to be at least two cup sizes now. I need to get out and get a prosthetic so that I can make my boobs match. If it turns out that I do get a mastectomy, the difference between what I've got now and what I'd have then won't be so much that I'd think I'd need a much bigger prosthetic. At least, that's my theory.

Anyways, we'll see what happens on Friday.

In other news, Gozer has found a new bed: our laundry basket full of clean laundry. Silly girl!

Thinking about my mom

My mom killed herself two years ago yesterday. She took the pills that killed her on December 1, her's and my dad's wedding anniversary, and then died on December 2 in the early morning. She was found later that morning or early that afternoon by someone who'd come to check on her.

Last year, I missed my mother so much on this date... I wished she hadn't killed herself and I was very sad that she was dead. This year was different: I found myself thinking about what that last day must have been like for her and how she must have felt before deciding to die. I know that I can never really know what was going through her head but for the first time I felt myself looking at things through her eyes and imagining what it was like. I talked this through with my psychologist today and this helped find the words to express these thoughts.

My mom must have been so sad and so lonely. She'd been mentally ill for years and years but had been stable when my dad died in 2008. She spent almost two years after that in the place where they'd lived but she was having trouble living on her own. She dissociated a couple of times and "came to" not knowing what had happened, which is very scary (if you've ever been in a drug- or alcohol-induced blackout, you'll understand how scary that can be). Then she came down with some kind of respiratory infection and became very, very sick; she had COPD already, and she was so sick that she couldn't think to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital.

After that episode, she knew she couldn't be completely on her own any more, so she moved into a light assisted living bachelor apartment in the other tower of her complex. She took two meals a day with other residents and someone would look in on her each day. She never really loved it there; it was different, and she didn't like the people with whom she ate her two meals. She was never much of a conformist and she didn't much like being around people so this was no surprise, but I think it left her feeling alone and lonely. And maybe even a bit angry at being left out, as odd as that sounds. Her daughters weren't reaching out to her and she didn't reach out to them because all those years of mental illness had scarred us all.

In the fall of that year, mom got a new psychiatrist. She'd been with her previous psychiatrist for years and didn't like the new one at all. He wanted to change her treatment, which she didn't like, and she also didn't like him personally. Most specifically, she din't like his shoes, which were very trendy. At the time, I didn't understand how she felt but I think now she felt he was young, that he was railroading her, and that he didn't respect her as a patient or as a person.

So she was sad, alone, and lonely, and angry, and resentful, and she felt like she didn't belong, and she had no support network. I think she'd experienced these emotions for years without killing herself but on the anniversary of her marriage, I think she'd finally had enough and decided that it was time to go. I think she couldn't bear the pain of living any more - and that for her, suicide wasn't a permanent solution to a temporary problem, as some describe suicide, but permanent solution to a problem that she'd endured for years.

I think that she'd probably spent much of her last day crying and missing her husband. I think she may have cried while she was taking the pills but once they were in her, I suspect she felt some relief that she was really going to die this time. I hope she found some peace before she died and that her death was painless.

As I say, I don't know if my thoughts about how she felt that day or in the days leading up to it are true but they feel true to me. I still miss her terribly, but I feel like I have a better understanding of what things were like for her and why she chose to kill herself. Thinking about how she got to the point of killing herself gives me much more empathy for her.

I still miss my mom terribly and I still wish she hadn't got to a point where she needed to kill herself... but I understand and I forgive her.

I love you, mom.

Various appointments

Last Friday was my bone scan. The injection went smoothly and so did the scan even though I was an hour late for the scan. I have no idea how that happened; for whatever reason, even though I knew exactly what time the second appointment was supposed to happen, my brain added an hour to that time. And even though I showed up exactly an hour late, it was another twenty-five minutes before they came and got me. I didn't know that they were looking for me so I was just waiting for the nurse. Fortunately, the scan is still valid. 

Today was mammogram day, which also went smoothly. Because the morphea has deformed the left breast so much, the technician couldn't get a good view of the scars on the mammogram. Breast cancer often comes back in previous scar tissue so it's important to get a good view of my old scars. So they did an ultrasound of the scars, which was apparently quite difficult as the first scar is big and meanders a bit.

My CT scan is scheduled for next Friday and I get the results from all these scans on December 14.

We also had our physical exams with our family doctor on Tuesday. Both our cholesterol numbers are down to more acceptable levels so our diet (and Ian's pills) are working. Yay! My family doctor also asked how I was doing. I'm doing fine - well, better - and I told him that my psychologist and I had thought that volunteer work would be good for me and that I was thinking of looking for some volunteer work in the new year (depending on my test results, of course). My family doctor doesn't like the idea at all because he doesn't want me to get too stressed. I told him that understood that but that I was looking for meaning in my life.

His reply to that was that I should get meaning out of my relationship with Ian, that giving to other people is good but my relationships are the most important things I have. That's true, I guess, but afterwards I felt like I had traveled back in time to the 1950s and was being told to support my husband in his career. 

I know that I need to be careful with doing volunteer work; I tend to have an all-or-nothing approach to things that can be overwhelming. And I know that while the cancer is one reason why I haven't been working these last six years, another reason - perhaps the main reason - I haven't been working is my struggle with depression. I guess you could say that I'm mentally ill. I know that I will never again be the person I was when I was working (and that's a good thing in many ways), but I'd like to think that I can aspire to more than making Ian happy and focusing on our relationship. It's frustrating to be told otherwise.

Tumour marker results

Today was visit the oncologist day. My CA 15-3 tumour marker has crept up to 39.9 from - what was it? about 33? The marker has been at 40 before so we wouldn't worry about it at all, normally. However, it is a bit of a jump up... and my sternum (where my mets are) has been hurting a LOT for the last five weeks, since I got back from Chicago. Also, I've lost about ten pounds in the last 10 weeks or so. And my face broke out and took longer than usual to heal.

Now, all of these things have perfectly rational explanations. For example, my sternum started hurting right after I got back from Chicago. While I traveled, I wore my carry-on bag across my body over my sternum and it's very possible that I damaged the bone somehow. After all, the bone is fragile. As far as the weight goes, we have been on a low saturated fat diet since Labour Day. Not having any cheese at dinner or ice cream or anything could definitely make me lose weight. I didn't expect to lose as much as I did but it's possible that my body was poised to lose the weight. The weight I'm at is where I've been most of my adult life so it's natural that my body would want to be there, given the opportunity. Regarding the breakouts, I'd tried a new cream on my face which probably caused me to break out. And if I didn't pick at the breakouts (and Gozer didn't lick my face) they'd heal faster.

It is also possible that my lucky six-year run of cancer stability is over and that I have progression for the first time since I was diagnosed with mets. Therefore we need to do some scans and check things out. They'll be scheduling a bone scan and CT scan and I expect to get the results the week of December 10th. My oncologist will be at a conference during the first week of December or else I'd get my results then.

I'm not looking forward to having to wait for results over the next few weeks but the time will pass one way or another. While I need to be aware that I might be facing progression of my mets, it's too soon to panic and I don't want to spend my time worrying unnecessarily.

Sewing room getting done

A couple of weeks ago we went to IKEA to look at furniture for my sewing room. The idea was that I would figure out the floorplan and then order the furniture to arrive this week, when Ian will be on vacation for a curling tournament.

Unfortunately, I didn't get my floorplan figured out until this weekend and I didn't put the order in until late this morning. For some reason I thought that IKEA could deliver the next day, but I think that's only true if we were to go to the store, pick our entire order, and then ask them to deliver it. As it is, the delivery is tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday. So much for being able to put the furniture together while Ian was on vacation.

We did tape out the furniture locations in the room so we did figure out how we're going to light the room and we'll be able to get that done this week. That's something, at least. I'll also be able to spend some time going through my fabric as I think I might not want it all. I also know that I don't want to keep all of my vintage patterns.

I'm not quite sure what to do with the fabric and patterns that I don't want. Apparently Value Village will take both fabric and patterns for a per pound rate. I'm not sure that I want to give them any of the really good-quality fabric because I'm not sure that's where they'll get the best use. At the same time, I don't want to be the hoarder who hangs on to things because no one else can give them as good of a home. If anyone has suggestions about what I can do with the fabric - some vintage cottons and many, many nicer fabrics - let me know.

As for the patterns, I could sell them on etsy or I could contact one of the vintage pattern stores and offer the  m the patterns for a flat rate. I'm kind of leaning towards the latter option because I think that would be the best way for my estate to dispose of my patterns when it comes time for that and it would be better if there was already a relationship with a seller. I figure it would just be easier for whoever has to deal with my estate to know who to go to and what to expect. I do have some valuable patterns in my collection, after all.

I figure I'll have my sewing room functional before the end of the year and I'm quite excited about that. I've been wanting to do some sewing for a while but my current setup just isn't comfortable; I can hardly wait to be in my new and improved, comfortable sewing room.

Hello again

Wow, I've really let things go here, haven't I? I don't have a good reason for not posting, I'm afraid. I'd been feeling sort of depressed over the last little while but I'm starting to feel better.

Interestingly, when I last saw my psychologist she suggested that I might be slightly bipolar. If I am, that would explain how I can have so much energy and need less sleep sometimes and no energy at all and need hours and hours more sleep other times. Thinking back, I have noticed that when I'm more energetic, I want to create more things and I also see things as brighter and more colourful. When I'm less energetic, things look dimmer. I think the way I process sound differently as well.

I haven't tracked any of these changes so I don't know if I actually exhibit any bipolar-type symptoms or if I'm just fitting these observations into this framework. It would be a good idea to keep track of how I'm feeling, how much sleep I get, how things look, whether my ears hurt from sounds, and so forth to see if there's a pattern.

If you live in North America and aren't living under a rock you'll know that today is the US election. US election nights remind me of the night I found out that my primary breast cancer had spread into three of seven dissected lymph nodes and that I needed more surgery because the margins weren't clear. That night in 2000 I remember sitting numbly watching the election results come in while trying to process the news. Even though I knew that things were bad - I'd seen the mass on the mammogram - I had hoped that the cancer would be confined to the breast.

The US election night is a strange anniversary to remember, in a way, especially since now I have mets. But for me, that was the day that everything really changed because I finally knew what was going on. Had the election not been so close and had it been resolved that night, I might not feel the same association with it as I do. Things changed for the US that night, too, although no one knew then what would be coming.

In today's election, I hope that Obama is re-elected. I don't trust Mitt Romney because he doesn't seem to have a single point of view on things; he seems to say whatever others want to hear. I'm also concerned at the power the far right has in the Republican party and what their influence would mean for women's rights, immigration, and the working class. Hopefully the election will be resolved tonight in Obama's favour.

Gozer's diet

We received Gozer's weight-loss information sheet earlier this week. It says that we're going to turn Gozer into a supermodel :) Her last weight at the vet was 11.8kg and the vet wants her down at 10kg. Gozer is to lose the weight over at least nine weeks; losing it more quickly would be bad.

I know 1.8kg doesn't sound like much weight but it is 15% of her body weight and that's a significant amount. Imagine if you had to lose 15% of your body weight - it would take a while! It's also important that the weight come off slowly so that she stays healthy.

To lose the weight, Gozer is allowed 440 calories per day of which at most 10% of the calories can come from food. Therefore, Gozer is now allowed only 3/4 cup of her food twice daily. That's down from about a cup of food twice daily and I think we were actually feeding her even more than that. When packed tightly, her food used to completely cover the bottom of her food dish and now it doesn't cover the bottom at all. Packing her food tightly leaves about one-third to one-half of the dish exposed.

The goal we've been given is to give Gozer only 30 calories in treats each day. Currently we give her a small amount of peanut butter in the mornings which we figured to be about eight calories. I know I've given her up to a full teaspoon of the peanut butter but at 33 calories per teaspoon, that can't happen any more. We also give Gozer a treat when she goes into her kennel in the mornings and evenings. We checked and each one of those treats has 22 calories (or 29 for the other flavour). Therefore, Gozer doesn't get a full cookie any more when she goes into her kennel.

Because Gozer's current food doesn't have any flexibility for things like getting a bath (when she would normally get about two liver bits at eight calories each), we need to re-work what treats we're feeding her. We have room to cut down on her kibble when she gets more treats so we can always do that. We're also going to do some investigation into other treats with fewer calories (including things like carrots and apples; the vet also suggested cat treats) so that we have more flexibility in what we give her.

I'd also like to be able to give her more volume of treats for the same calories, if possible. Gozer has been on her diet for a couple of days now and I think she thinks she's starving. When she sleeps on the chair in front of the tv she almost always has one of her squeaky toys in her mouth. When she's not up on the chair with me, she's looking for insects to eat. Poor girl. I know how she feels, being hungry all the time. I figure if we can give her treats that are more filling and have fewer calories, she'll be happier.

I am looking forward to seeing our little fluffybutt becoming leaner. Already she seems to have more energy on her walks and when playing so I think that she'll like being leaner, too.

MBCN Chicago conference

I had the best time ever at this weekend's conference in Chicago. The conference itself was hit and miss as some sessions were extremely informative while others offered nothing new or relevant. Of course I didn't go to the conference for the information; I went to connect with my friends on our online board. I haven't seen them in a year and I've missed them. Seeing people online is no substitute for meeting and hanging out with them in person.

I really connected with people this weekend in a way that I haven't done in a long time. There have been times that I've come away from these things feeling a bit like I don't fit in. Somehow, this time I felt like I really belonged. Maybe it's because I made a couple of real friends - not just people that I know and talk to, but people that I feel like I could (and will) stay in touch with outside of the board and facebook statuses, if that makes sense. I already knew one person and this weekend we got to know each other much better. Another person and I just clicked, and another couple of people and I got along super-well (if we'd talked on our own, we'd have clicked, I think).

Another reason I felt like I belonged is that people came up to me and told me that they really wanted to meet me. I want to meet everyone but I haven't always felt like other people want to meet me, you know? I've also struggled with feeling like I haven't got much to contribute on the board because my cancer is so stable and I was so happy when people told me that they wanted to know how I was doing, that they followed my updates, and that they did want to hear from me.

The only down side to the trip (aside from the fact that I had no time to go shopping) was that my sternum has been aching since yesterday and I've been in agony. My painkiller patches are up to date and working well so I don't know what's going on. I suspect it has something to do with flying and the pressurized aircraft but I don't actually know. I'm taking supplemental painkillers and taking it easy.

Sternal pain aside, I can't help but notice that the last two trips I've taken have been the best ever and that I've come back feeling happy and connected to people. I think that the work I've been doing with my psychologist over the last year has been making a huge difference in the way I'm approaching and thinking about these trips. I love love love this change.

I'm so happy that I had such a great time on this trip. I'm can barely wait for the next one.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? My sister has moved to to the UK; she arrived safe and sound and has been exploring her surroundings.

We spent some time with Ian's parent's for Thanksgiving. I enjoyed visiting with Ian's parents especially because I haven't seen them for any length of time in quite a while. We ate delicious pumpkin pie after a very satisfying and also delicious meal. We decided to allow ourselves to eat what we wanted in moderation because we figured that easing up on our new diet restrictions would be ok for one day. We're on a low saturated fat diet while also trying to minimize the amount of fat in our diet. I have no idea what our cholesterol levels are like but we've both lost weight.

On Friday I'm headed to Chicago for a conference on metastatic breast cancer. Mostly I'm going to see my friends. Hanging out with them is what makes going to the conference worthwhile for me. I guess the information presented at the conference might be useful but because my mets are so stable, the information isn't as relevant to me.

All that doesn't really explain why I haven't been writing anything lately... and I guess I don't have much of an explanation. I've been tired, and I've been having what might be described as panic attacks. I have no idea why that's been happening; I don't think I'm all that stressed, but maybe I am. I have been feeling a bit more depressed (and bored?) than usual, too.

One of the things that's come up in therapy is that I have a lot of anger and rage issues. I'm not quite sure where they're coming from so I'm trying to identify how I feel right before the rage. I wonder if shining a light on that rage is bringing up some of these other feelings. Or maybe I'm feeling the way I do because I haven't been doing much of anything lately - sitting in front of the tv surfing the internet doesn't count as an activity.

I am looking forward to going to Chicago although I'm nowhere near finished getting everything ready! It's going to be a fun trip.

Edmonton family events

My youngest sister is moving to England tomorrow. She's been planning this move for a long, long time and the day has finally come. I'm very excited for her because moving to England has been a dream of hers for years and years and I'm thrilled that she's realizing this dream. Of course I'm sad, too, because this is such a big change and I don't think I like big changes.

Selfishly, I'm sad because it's a big change and I don't like changes so I'd love for her to stay in Canada, but I want her to be the happiest she can be so my selfish wants have to take a backseat here. Besides, I know that she'll come back to visit - in fact, I think we're going to co-ordinate a Christmas visit - and I'll be able to go and visit her.

Because I wanted to see my sister before she left, I was in Edmonton last weekend. I didn't tell anyone other than my family that I was going there because I wanted to focus on spending time with my sisters. To my friends: we'll get together next time I'm in Edmonton.

I was there for four days and saw both my sisters as much as possible on each of those days. I had the best time I've ever had with my sisters over those four days and my sisters said they had the best time ever, too. We really connected and didn't fight and had the biggest giggles ever :)

One of the things we did was look over old photos that each sister had scanned or developed from slides and negatives. We saw parts of our childhood that we hadn't seen before as well as parts of our parent's and grandparent's lives that were eye-opening to us. It was fun to look back and ourselves and see how beautiful we really were and how great those pictures were... and the silly things that some of us may have done to our hair.

I love my sisters so much and I love that we had such a great time and were so comfortable together. I'm sending good thoughts to my youngest sister that she'll have safe travels and that she'll love it there more than she thinks she will. Have a great time, seester! I love you.

Gozer's visit to the doctor

Gozer has gained quite a bit of weight quite quickly: over the last four months she's gone from 9.3kg (20.5lbs) to 11.8kg (26.0lb), an increase of more than 25%. When anyone - human or dog - adds 25% to their weight in only a four months, it's cause for some concern. Gozer's walk time has decreased by a third to half of the pre-summer levels due to the hot weather so it's likely that her weight gain is related to her decreased activity. The vet also thinks that Gozer might be a bit older than we had thought - closer to four years old rather than two - because that's when dogs naturally gain weight

The vet thinks that Gozer is a bit chubby but isn't obese and says that Gozer does need to lose weight - but not too quickly. She's going to draw up a chart showing how many calories Gozer needs each day and from there we'll figure out how much to feed her and how much exercise to give her.

While I was there I inadvertently became part of an issue they're having. Way back when, Gozer was given flea medication that we'll need to start giving to her again in December (she's on Trifexis for the summer to protect against other parasites). Unfortunately, the medication expired in August of this year and there's no way that I'll give her expired medication in December. When I took Gozer in for her grooming a couple of weeks ago, I brought the package to the office. They checked and all of this medication was expired; since they had to order more, I took my package home.

After Gozer and I left the groomers, one of the groomers came running out with a new package of medication. When I got home I noticed that the medication was for larger dogs. Gozer is chubby but she's not that big! I brought both packages in with me today and explained what had happened. The vet was very upset because whoever set up the box just reprinted the label and didn't get the vet's signature, meaning the vet didn't know that this had happened - a major violation of protocol. This didn't cause any problems for me or for Gozer but if the staff is doing this kind of thing at other times, some pet could get hurt and that's not good.

We'll get Gozer's ideal calorie intake next week and then we'll be going back to the vet in a couple of months to see how much weight Gozer loses. We'll also need to pick up her flea medication - one that the vet has signed off on!

My skin thing has a name

The changes to the skin on my left breast are definitely morphea, a type of scleroderma. The biopsy sample was good: it was 0.5cm by 0.4cm and went down into the fatty tissue below the derma, or skin layer. There were areas of sclerosis in the derma that went all the way down into the fat so the changes are quite extensive.

No one really knows what causes morphea. It's thought to be an autoimmune disease and it shows up as a long-term side effect of radiation. The cases I've seen have shown up much sooner than 11 years after radiation like mine did. I can imagine a scenario where my immune system was wonky because of the cancer and sarcoidosis and the denosumab just added enough strain to my already-weird system for the morphea to take hold.

There aren't really any treatments for morphea; pretty much everything is done off-label on an experimental basis because nothing really works. The best treatment is a systemic one - I think it's cyclophosphamide, a type of chemotherapy, and it works by suppressing the immune system - but my system is fragile enough that we don't want to introduce a new systemic treatment until or unless we have to do it.

There's another topical treatment I could do but I'd need to see him every two weeks and there's no guarantee it will work. I don't think he thinks it's worth trying, partly because I'd have to travel so far. If I lived in Oakville, things would be different. Before I make a decision one way or another on whether to try this treatment, he wants me to talk to my oncologist and family doctor to get their thoughts. So we'll see. I'm not convinced that it's worth trying to get rid of it, especially since it's not life-threatening or anything. Besides, if chemotherapy clears this thing up, it'll get cleared up when I'm the "lucky" recipient of chemotherapy for the cancer - whenever that happens (which hopefully won't be for quite some time yet).

Oh, and the dermatologist thinks that the incision is healing up quite well. He told me that sometimes infection will take hold and be tough to get rid of so if there are any signs that the infection is returning, I need to get to the ER right away. I'll definitely do that: I don't want to wind up in the hospital with IV antibiotics.

Healing but tired

I think the anitbiotic is working. There's still some fluid draining from the holes where the stitches were but it's lessening and looking less infectiony. The redness is also fading and the swelling is going down so the area doesn't look quite as angry and swollen as before. I'm happy that it's getting better and that I don't need to go back to the hospital for IV antibiotics.

I am finding that I'm extremely tired since I started the antibiotics. I feel like I'm so tired all the time and the slightest activity leaves me exhausted. I assume that the antibiotic is forcing my body to heal and that's what is making me so, so, so tired.

Tomorrow afternoon I see my dermatologist and hopefully he'll agree that the biopsy site is healing well. I also hope that he'll have meaningful pathology results so that we know what's going on with my skin. I'm not looking forward to the drive tomorrow but I'll sleep in, load up on caffeine, and take it easy so that I'm not too tired. I don't know what we'll do about supper, exactly, but I'll deal with that tomorrow.

Adventures in (non)healing

For the last few days my left arm, underarm, and breast have all felt heavy, achy, and sore and I was having a hard time lifting my hand up high because it hurt in my underarm. I figured that the biopsy and my previous surgery taking out lymph nodes caused a buildup of lymph fluid in those areas so I massaged them. I'd been taught how to do the use massage to move the lymph fluid and get it flowing better way back when I had the lymphedema in my arm. I'd noticed that the area around the stitches was a bit warm and a bit red but I figured that this was related to the swelling and buildup of lymph fluid.

Imagine my surprise when I was having a bath and I noticed that the area around the stitches was bright red and there was that particular yellow crust around the stitches that signifies infection. My dermatologist had told me to call if anything looked strange and so I called right away. He would have liked it if I could have gone to see him this afternoon but he was leaving in an hour and it would have taken at least an hour and a half to get there because Ian had the car.

He told me that in this case, I should go to the emergency room and have them look at it since he couldn't prescribe something over the phone. I asked if I could go to a walk-in clinic and he reluctantly said yes but preferred the emergency room.

I called Ian right away, told him what was going on, and he came home to take me to the emergency room. I was worried that I'd end up there for at least six hours... and I almost did. The main treatment area was not moving at all and was really backed up. They were able to get me into the minor treatment area where I was seen by a nurse practitioner. She took out the stitches, gave me a prescription for Keflex, and we were on our way in just over two hours.

If the Keflex doesn't work I need to go back to the ER and they'll put me on IV antibiotics. That's one outcome I'd like to avoid but if it does come to that, it's actually a good thing that I went to this ER - the one associated with the cancer center. As much as I'd wanted to go to a walk-in clinic, going to this ER meant that they had more information about me and my cancer treatment. Ian was right to make me go to the ER even though I was whining about having to be there for six hours.

I see the dermatologist on Monday. He expects that the infection will be cleared up and I hope he's right.

Streams and rivers and frogs, oh my!

The person who cleans our house had to bring her kids with her today. They're 10 and 7 and both boys and I offered to take them and Gozer for a walk. We ended up out there for about two hours.

Mostly the walk went well: we went through the woods and down by the river... and by a stream and through the stream and beside the stream. The boys decided that they wanted to look for frogs so that's what we did. Unfortunately, all of us got our feet wet... including Gozer. She was doing ok walking through the streams - it was when she stepped into much up to her chest that things were bad for her. She became a little panicky after that because she wanted out of that area right that second.

When Ian found out that Gozer smelled like fish and was absolutely filthy, he gave me a choice: keep her outside until he got home, or give her a bath myself. It turns out that I can bathe her all by myself. I thought I did a good job but I detected the faintest scent of fish when she came in from her short evening walk so I think I'll have to bathe her again tomorrow.

I don't think my cleaner was too, too upset that both her boys came back with filthy, wet socks and shoes (and two frogs). If there's a next time for this, we're not going for nearly as long and we're going to go frog-hunting closer to home. Preferably without actually stepping into a stream.

A whole lot of work

With my cholesterol higher than it should be I know that I need to make some changes. Diet-wise, we're looking more carefully at what we're eating and making healthier choices that involve more fruits and vegetables. However, changing my diet isn't enough: I need to exercise more.

With it being so hot this summer I haven't been walking Gozer during the day and I haven't been getting much other exercise. Weeding is some exercise but it isn't cardiovascular exercise so it isn't helping my heart at all. Somehow it does seem to be increasing my flexibility, however: for the first time ever I can bend at my hips, keep my legs straight, and put my hands flat on the ground. I used to have to strain to touch my fingertips to the ground.

Today I got more exercise than I'd bargained for because we decided to seed some of the bare patches on our front lawn and the top of the back lawn and overseed the rest of those lawns. We - by which I mean I - de-thatched these areas first which was a LOT of work. Using the rake doesn't just involve my arms but my upper- and mid- back, core, shoulders, and legs. Fortunately, by using my core and upper back, my lower back didn't hurt while I was working and it's still feeling good..

I haven't done that much work since I was paddling! Unfortunately, because I haven't done much exercise lately, I wasn't able to quite finish de-thatching everything and Ian had to finish. Even though he only worked for an extra 20 minutes or so after I stopped, I knew that if I hadn't stopped I would have crossed the line into overdoing it and I would have paid for it for the next week. I'm proud of what I accomplished today. Afterwards I had a lovely long, hot bath to soak my muscles.

It's going to be nice this week so I plan to take Gozer out for an afternoon walk. It'll be good for her chubby bum as well as mine. And maybe next weekend I'll be able to do some physical work in the yard again - after fully recovering from this weekend, I expect (ok, I hope) to have more stamina.

Everyone gets a new diet in our house

For the last couple of months we've known that Gozer had gained weight. We were feeding her the recommended amount and she still gets two walks per day but for some reason her weight has been increasing.

How much has it increased? She went from just under 20 pounds in the spring to 25.8(!) today. In other words, she's increased her body weight by over 25% in just a few months. That's a huge weight gain for a person, let alone a dog. I knew she was bigger but I didn't know that she was that much bigger. I don't think she's obese because I can see her waist from the side although I can't see it from above and I can't feel her ribs without pressing hard into her sidess.

Gozer is going to be groomed on Friday and because she's over 25 pounds I think she'll be considered a medium instead of a small dog as 25 pounds is the cutoff. Of course it costs more to groom a medium-sized dog because they require more handling.

Tomorrow I'm also going to call and make an appointment for Gozer to see the vet. Clearly she's going to need to reduce her weight and I need to get some hints for that. I also need to be sure that she doesn't have some condition that's causing her to gain weight. She's gained the weight so fast for no real reason that I can see that I'm a bit concerned.

Doctor's appointments

Today we got to visit some doctors.

Both Ian and I were called in to see our family doctor about our cholesterol results. Fortunately, the rest of both our bloodwork was fine but he has issues with the cholesterol levels. My HDL (good cholesterol) was 1.92, my LDL (bad cholesterol) was 4.81, and the ratio of my total cholesterol over HDL is 3.7. Because my dad had a heart attack at 39 and died after surgery to correct serious vascular issues in his legs I'm considered to be at high risk for heart problems and a ratio of 3.7 is getting to be too high. I think that the ratio should be under 4.0 - which mine is - but it's gone up since the last time I had the cholesterol tested.

Ian has different numbers and other factors and his cholesterol has to come down, too. Our family doctor gave Ian some new medication but he doesn't want to give me yet another medication. Therefore, we have to make some dietary changes: more fruits and vegetables, no more ice cream (including Blizzards and McFlurries), no more high-fat foods, no more fries and chicken fingers for dinner.

We'll be getting our cholesterol checked again in about six weeks to see if the steps we're taking are having an effect. I hope that the change in diet works that quickly.

After seeing our family doctor I had a biopsy done on the the skin on my breast. A new spot has actually shown up at the end of my collarbone on the left side; he looked at it but he decided to focus on the breast skin. As he was looking at the area to figure out where to do the biopsy, he asked if I had any kind of implant. Ummm, no - if I did, I'd have made that breast bigger to be more like the other one instead of walking around with one normal boob and one mini-boob. Apparently the changes to the skin have somehow made the breast feel like I've got implants.

The doctor was really good especially when it came to dealing with me. I'd been nervous all day and when I laid on the thingy I started to get a very woogly back and had trouble staying still. Mostly it was the thought of feeling him do the biopsy and put in the stitches that was making my back all woogly so I tried to do some breathing and focusing on other senses. It mostly worked and I was able to stay more still. I did not think about beetles crawling on my skin, as Ian suggested afterwards, because that's kind of what the woogly feeling is like.

The doctor put in two stitches which will come out in two weeks when I go back for the pathology results. If the results are inconclusive then he'll do another biopsy. I don't exactly know what kind of biopsy he did but he was worried about puncturing an implant (hence the question about implants above) so I think he took a fairly large sample.