The Olympics!

The Olympics started today. I didn't wake up for the very first airing of the opening ceremonies but it was shown quite a few times today. The ceremonies were gorgeous and brilliantly executed. I found myself staring at the tv, absolutely rapt with wonder at a few of the things they did - like when they lifted the rings up, or the dancers in glo-suits, or the dancers on the ball, or any number of other gorgeous displays. I also loved the happy-face fireworks :) If you haven't seen the opening ceremonies up until the parade of nations, then try and watch it. It's definitely worth seeing. I expect we'll be watching as much of the Olympics as possible over the next couple of weeks.

A small note about work - if I were to go back, I would start off as part-time and work my way back to full-time. The company I work for doesn't want permanent part-time employees on its payroll so I couldn't do that forever (or I'd have to find another company to work for - not that I'd necessarily mind that). Unfortunately, I'm not ready even for part-time there just now.

Someone told me that I should stay off work until I'd had 30 good days in a row. For me, a good day is getting up in the morning, doing stuff, and staying awake all day until bedtime, when I go to sleep quickly - even when I'm upset about something or if something bad has happened, although it wouldn't apply if I were sick. I've had lots and lots of those good days but over the last couple of months but definitely not 30 of them and certainly not 30 in a row.

Ian also figures that I'm pretty happy doing the things I do with patterns and whatnot and he's right there. At some point, all of that is going to get pretty boring because it'll stop being a challenge and at that point he figures that I'll be much, much closer to being able to work. This summer is really the first time that I've been able to do reasonably complicated things - where I feel that I have to actually think about stuff. And it's a good idea to get used to thinking critically and doing reasonably complicated tasks before going back to work.

Finally! I think I'm better

The fever broke yesterday and I think that the headache left today. After three days of almost continuous sleeping, I'm finally feeling better. I'm still a bit tired but I think that's ok. A lot of the sleep I've had hasn't been good quality sleep because it's been feverish or headachy and so I'll need to catch up on my good sleep.

This latest illness has got me to thinking about work again. When I'm feeling healthy and together, I love the idea of going back to work. But over the last month I haven't felt healthy and I've been very glad that I haven't been working because I know that I couldn't handle it. I want to think I'd be able to work but I suspect that I'm not quite there yet. So I won't be going back to work in the fall. I do hope to go back eventually but I'm not going to set a deadline for that just yet as I don't want to push myself.

A very, very happy day

I saw my oncologist today. As we knew, my test results are very good. It turns out that there are some tiny, tiny sclerotic lesions on my left pelvic bone that showed up on the CT 6 months ago as well, but we looked at the latest CT scan and didn't see anything. So if there is anything there, it's so tiny that it's hardly worth mentioning. Also, the lesions are sclerotic, which my oncologist says means that the bone is being built up by the bisphosphonate. We agreed to not worry about the lesions we couldn't see. And of course we also know that the bone scan was clear.

I asked my oncologist about the rash I'd had but she didn't know of any weird interaction between fentanyl and Pamidronate. She was going to check with the pharmacist whether there's any known interaction there. I see my family doctor this week and I'll talk to him about it, too.

One of the things that I said to my oncologist was that I've been stable on one treatment for two years and that I figured I would have a "good run" - meaning that I expect to live for a while yet. I know that past performance doesn't predict future performance, but with only one bone affected, chances are good that I'll be around for a while. My oncologist agreed!!!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!



I know I haven't talked about this much here, but I'm still thinking of returning to work. I'm feeling so much better and so much more on the ball - I feel like I really get things again!!!! - and I'm worried that that I will get bored sewing and making jewelry all day. I can feel the itch to do more and to be working again, and when I think about it I'm excited, not scared. So I talked my oncologist about the possibility of returning to work and she fully supports the idea; she said that she has patients that work if they want to. She also said that if it turns out that it's too much for me at any time, she'd write a note saying that I couldn't work for medical reasons. This is a huuuuuge relief because it gives me an exit strategy (unlike, say, the war in Iraq).



I haven't made a final decision about returning to work, of course, and I won't do that for a couple of months or so. The idea will be staying in the back of my head, though.

To top off all of this awesome news, a pattern I bought last week arrived today! It's this one and I love it because of the square neckline and curved belt. I'm going to make a version with short sleeves and a straight skirt first and then possibly one with a fuller skirt. I can hardly wait!

Now they want me back?

I had lunch with my work team today. It was interesting - it's nice to see people and talking to them gives me some insight into how things are going there. There have been some management changes and the department is reporting to someone new which will bring some changes.

Several people asked me to come back to work soon because they really need me. I've been gone two years, and they really need me now? Hmmm. How bad are things, exactly? Pretty bad, I think. The trouble is, if it's that bad there, how stressful would it be to go back? I love doing the type of work that I did there - I really, really, really do - but I don't know whether I can go back to that environment.

It's as though there's a lot of wall-building going on; people on that team have built walls around their sandbox and won't help anyone build their own sandbox, let alone walls around it. Moreover, when asked to do something, if it's outside their sandbox, they'll do exactly as they're told, without thinking for themselves, or they'll do it badly, or they'll do it late because they don't want to even know that there are other sandboxes. They keep their eyes down, looking at only their own sandboxes and toys.You know?

That sort of viewpoint was there when I left and it was a major source of stress for me then. The work I do on that team - the work the whole team does - is basically a service to other departments. I always felt that once my sandbox was built, I would build bridges to other sandboxes and help people build their own sandboxes, too. I also felt that I would look around and see if people could use help before their walls came down on top of mine (or their sandboxes got overrun by ants that would head to my sandbox) - in other words, before they're problems affected me.

Since my views on how to interact with the people outside the team were diametrically opposed to my manager's view, we had a number of conflicts (some degenerating into screaming matches - I'm not proud of responding that way, but there you are. I was extremely stressed). Those conflicts and having to conform to something that I strongly feel is a wrong approach is very stressful. I'm getting stressed even thinking about it!

Who knows, though.... maybe by the time I'm ready to work things will be different. And if not, well, hopefully there will be something else for me somewhere. It's a big company.

The work never ends

The bag is almost done - I have to finish the last seam and make the shoulder pad. I could stay up late tonight but I'd rather be well-rested and do it tomorrow. It'll take less time.

I've been thinking a lot and I have decided that I'm going to go back to work in the fall, assuming that my scans next month come out fine. I've got a lot more energy and I'm finding myself less tired than I used to be, now that I'm mostly switched over to the Fentanyl. I figure that I would be easing into work anyway, but over the summer I'll practice getting up at a work-time (instead of between 10am and 2pm) and doing stuff. Like clean the house or do the dishes :)

Anyways, I'll make a final decision after I get my test results back at the end of June. I want to go back to work and the thought doesn't fill me with dread but a sort of excitement.

Almost normal

I was up very early today as I had a dentist's appointment. My teeth are nice and shiny clean again :) I managed to stay awake until just after supper when I had to sleep for an hour or so; this tells me that I'm not quite ready for a normal life just yet.

Of course I may have been extra tired because I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept waking up and I was thinking a lot about my dad so it was harder to get back to sleep. As well, I'm trying to reduce my Oxycontin intake and I think I'm running into withdrawl symptoms - woogly back and hot flashes - which wake me in the middle of the night.

So maybe I'll get to have a normal life if I can sleep like normal people. At least I got some stuff done during the day today. I'll tell you, the thought that my cancer has stabilized - which we won't know until I get my scan results at the end of June - is quite exciting. I'd like to think that if I really am stable and I can be normal, that I might work again. What an odd feeling.

How much I've changed

I went to my Spirituality and Healing group this afternoon for the first time in three weeks. We talked about letting go of things - like anger, or being control-freaky, or whatever. I told them about how, when I was working, I could be quite mean and callous; that I didn't give the people I worked with enough credit for being themselves and for having their own talents, and that I expected everything to be done my way. I've changed a lot in the last year and a half and I know that I'm more patient, compassionate, and forgiving than I was before.

Anyways, as I was saying all this today it struck me that one of the main reasons that I want to go back to work is to show people just how much I've changed. I guess I want to show other people that I'm not the person that I was and that I can still get as much done and be as efficient while also being a better person. One person in particular bore the brunt of that and I've apologized to that person for the way I behaved.... and I think I also want to apologize to other people as well, you know? But the only way I can really apologize is by showing people that I'm different. I can SAY I'm different, but, well, saying so doesn't make it so.

I don't expect that I'll work again. If it turns out that I don't have liver mets, there is a chance that I might get to work. If I have liver mets, well, I won't be working again.

I'll let you all know how things went after the appointment tomorrow. Ian and I have decided that we're hoping that I have some kind of liver infection and not liver mets.

This and that

Because I stayed up really, really late to finish the bag, I have quite a sleep deficit now. I ended up sleeping a LOT today; 14 hours last night and then another 2 today. We're going to bed now and I expect to sleep 12-14 hours tonight as well.

I found out today that I was approved for CPP disability. Sigh. I'd kind of hoped to be not approved, you know? I can't even say why - although the fact that it's taxable and my LTD payments (which will be lessened by the amount of the CPP) isn't is certainly a factor. In many ways, being on CPP disability seems so final because the government is involved. Now it's like the whole disability thing takes on gigantic proportions, and I'd rather just tuck my illness away, thank you.

This afternoon I went to a Qi-Gong class over at Hopespring. It was interesting. We'd done Qi Gong during the retreat in June and I found it relaxing. At the end of the class I had to leave and the instructor made her way over to me to give me a big long hug. I thought that that was kind of strange. Do I look like someone who needs a ginormous hug like that from someone I've only known for 90 minutes? :)

Tomorrow we plan to go and watch the Silvermasters (our old dragonboat team) paddle in their hometown Stratford event. It's the last race they do in the season and we'd like to watch them and hang out there for a bit.

A full Friday the 13th

There is no cancer in my liver. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy about this. I'd had a funny feeling in my liver and I was worried, but I guess there's probably something wrong with my stomach or something.

IU also talked to my oncologist and I think it went really well. I approached it from the standpoint of "we never really got off on the right foot; I love your compassion and caring and I need that as well as more technical information." I also apologized for behaving angrily last time. I felt really comfortable afterwards - at least I feel like I can talk to her if I need more from her or need a lot of technical stuff. She is going to give me copies of all of my test results and I got all of my tumour markers. I'm good with that.

Because I had radiation two weeks ago, the cancer cells are dying off and sending out the protein that the tumour markers check (this is called "tumour flare"), so the markers will be high right now. We're going to wait until the end of August to do the tumour markers again. I'll be able to call and get the results in early September; they're setting that up for me. I'll my oncologist again in three months (October?). If my tumour markers are up again in August I guess we'll do them again and see. If they're up then, well, something is going on. I don't think that'll happen, though - I really think that my condition is stable.

My pain is really going down; I feel like a completely new person now. I feel a LOT more energized and able to do things. For the first time in a long, long time I feel like I could actually do work. And I'm excited, even, at the thought of working (which hasn't happened in a long time). I think that I'm going to try to go back at some point, either in the fall or in January.

The insurance company sent me the application for CPP disability benefits. Sigh. I don't even know if I qualify - I have to have worked for some number of years prior to the disability, and I don't know if I've worked that amount because of all the coop stuff.

I'm not going to think about any of that, though, because tomorrow we're going on vacation!!!!!! We're all packed up except for our last-minute toiletries and computer stuff and the car is loaded up. Tomorrow we'll get up, pack the last stuff and hit the road. We hope to make it to Scranton in time for the coal mine tours :)

Struck with longing

The cancer centre hasn't called with my appointment times yet for the bloodwork or bone scan. I called this afternoon and tried to find out what was going on, but all they said was that it can take a couple of days to get a bone scan appointment. I hope that they will have my appointment times tomorrow.

I had to pick someone up from the airport today but the flight was late, so I had a bit of a chance to wander around. Toronto Pearson airport has some very nice artwork. There's a gallery on the mezzanine level, even. The last time I was there the display was all about the development of the telephone. Today, they had Contemporary Art from Toronto artists. The pieces were so beautiful.

One artist, Gillian Batcher, had taken silver wire and woven it into little balls of wire (using knitting and crocheting to close it, I think). I looked and looked and looked and I'm pretty sure that the original weave is lino weave. I was really impressed with myself for recognizing and remembering that weave! There were other artists that used greeting cards as a medium for fine art; in this way, beautiful pieces of art can be available to everyone at a reasonable cost.

So many of the artists had studied things like metalwork or glassblowing or wirework or textiles or whatever in colleges in Toronto. When I realized that it was possible to study all of these techniques - even to do a master's in some of them - I was struck with a fierce longing to go and do the same time. I would love so much to be able to study these things. My heart is in crafts and textiles, and I want to go and fully immerse myself in that. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to do this while on LTD. :(

Speaking of LTD, my insurance company called today to update their records. I don't fully understand; I'm signed off until September 2008 at present. I don't completely get why they need to call me every three months and find out how I'm doing?

Quite a day

Ok, the pain is back. Sigh. I am a little tired of being in pain, I'll tell you. I was talking to the person at Well-fit, and she strongly urged me to talk to my oncologist since the pain is still spiking even after increasing my Oxycodone usage by 80mg/day (from 280mg to 360mg). I wish the pain would just go away... I don't want to have to involve my oncologist.

However, the guideline for calling the oncologist about something is that the "something" has to be going on for at least two weeks. The pain has been there for over two weeks and it's still bad. There's a gut feeling thing here, too; I do feel like I need to talk to the oncologist, although I feel a little stupid about it. I'm hoping the pain is just a result of cell death or something.

I had lunch with my former team at work because two people are leaving the team. A new person has been hired; he doesn't know what he's in for, and he seems like a pretty strong person. I expect him to be frustrated soon enough. I will miss the person who's leaving the company; he was a real asset to the team and to the company. Our manager didn't see it, though, and cancelled the projects this fellow was working on. I've no idea why this happened, but it's a typical thing for my manager to have done.

There are a lot of problems on that team, and they pretty much all stem from the manager and his lack of leadership. Don't get me wrong; he's a nice guy and very caring about his employees situations, but he lacks leadership skills. My manager's boss is also to blame for this mess; he's ignored the signs so far and hasn't investigated what's going on. I hope that things change there.

Bellydancing again!

As you can see below, I got another treasury. I like it, but then I like swirly things :) I am still in the Mother's Day Showcase until 12am April 20 EDT, so I'll be there for another hour or so. I sold some things today which makes me very happy :) I've got more stuff that I've been making as well, so I'll post some of those items in my store.

I started bellydancing classes today. I'm taking a technical class to focus more on my technique. My belly hurts from using it so much :) I thought I had a strong belly before, but I guess I didn't :) This was the first class where my lower back didn't hurt after class. I think this is because my back and stomach are both stronger than they used to be and so I can maintain the correct position.

Someone I used to work with is in my bellydance class. I think she still works at the company. I hope that people don't question my bellydancing much - as in, if she can bellydance why can't she work? There are a lot of reasons why I can't work. I bellydance to stay sane.

I'm still thinking of how to do my displays for the craft show. I'll also need something to identify my shop.... this is complicated :)

Feeling much better

I feel much better today after going to Well-fit and bellydance. I didn't go last week and it seems that I need and have missed the physical activity. Both of these classes end next week and so I'll have to figure out what to do afterwards. I don't want to schedule anything just now, but if I had unlimited time and money, I'd go to the Well-fit grad class on Mondays and Wednesdays at 5:30pm ($45/month). And I'd take the Introductory Drumming as well as the Technique Workout classes at bellydancing ($265/12 weeks for both classes). I'll have to see.

I am still watching old movies. Right now, An American in Paris is on. I've become a bit of a Gene Kelly fan; he's funny, he can dance, and he can sing. The movies that show on TCM are good. As I've mentioned before, I keep this channel on all day.

I'm still working on photos for my earrings. I've got the hanging black backgrounds done and am trying to do the arty ones. I haven't quite got them like I want them. I'll play around with them tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and my manager removed me from the distribution list as I asked without a fight. I'm glad of that - at least I won't have to clean out my mailbox so often. And people won't think I still work there. on the downside, I won't get invited to as much team stuff - but then, I haven't been to one of those in months anyways.

Work and play

My work mailbox ended up full again today. It's a pain when my mailbox runs out of space because I actually have to log into work, open my mail, and sort of read the messages. It takes about three months for my mailbox to get full, which is simply too frequent. The problem is that I'm on a distribution list that gets a TON of mail. There is auto-generated mail, there is mail from each person in the group to other development groups with the development group cc'ed, and there is mail from other groups to the whole distribution list because they don't know who to write to. In other words, I get a lot of mail that I don't care about since I'm not working.

Honestly, I don't much care about what's going on there right now. I cleaned out my mailbox by deleting ALL of my messages except for a couple of personal threads. Even if I went back to that same group at some point (which is highly unlikely), none of those messages are going to mean anything to me then so there's no point keeping them. On Monday I will ask my manager/director to remove me from this distribution list. They kept me on the distribution list originally because we all thought that I was going back to work soon. I don't expect to run into any problems; it's not like I'm going back anytime soon, after all. Hopefully they'll agree with me.

On a more fun note, I have been playing around with my photo box using a black velveteen background. I need Ian's help with the camera because I don't completely understand how to use it and change the different settings. He's a good helper :) The pictures on the black background (see an example here) look elegant in a way that they don't on my etsy site, especially if the earrings have crystals. The edges are more defined and sharper and prettier. However, the pictures don't quite show the true colours of the stones that I'm using; they're much lighter and more translucent through the middle.

I think that there's a place for these black background pictures in my store - it may be that I use a black background for the arty picture and the light grey background for the hanging picture. We'll see. I'll also have to figure out what to do for the picture showing the scale of the earrings. What do you think? I'm looking for a lego man....

Totally random thoughts

Did you know that there's a gas crisis going on here in Ontario? Yep. There was a fire at an Imperial Oil refinery, and there's been a CN strike, and so Ontario gas stations don't have much gas. Many of the Essos are closed because they have no gas. In a rebound effect, some other gas stations are closed because they ran out of gas after the Esso closed.

They're telling people that this is a temporary situation. The CN strike is apparently over, and the refinery repairs are almost complete. I don't think that people have been doing panic buying, although I'm sure that there are some people who will have done this. It feels sort of odd; is this what things will be like later, when the environmental crisis at our heels has gone too far? Gas stations will be closed, there will be lineups, and prices will go up, with an undercurrent of unease?

I guess the current situation isn't so different than the energy crisis of the 70s.

On a completely different note, we're watching the Oscars tonight, of course. :) I love the clothes, as I'm sure you all know. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is that it seems like many of the stars are wearing strapless, figure-clinging dresses. I've noticed a strapless dress trend for quite some time now, and I'll tell you, most people don't look good in a strapless dress. On the bright side, this means that the focus is moving to the neck, shoulders, and face. That means jewelry :)

It occurred to me today that while I can sell my jewelry by myself on the side, it might be difficult to go and sell it at a store. I can try and see; many people create jewelry on the side, but I would think that not many of them are on long-term disability and not supposed to be working. We'll see. Obviously I have to make more of the jewelry before I go and try and peddle my wares somewhere. By the way, I have placed an order for surgical steel earring hooks; I'll let you know when they arrive.

I had a dream...

I had a dream last night that really stuck with me. I dreamt that I went to work even though I knew that I wasn't allowed to do that because of the long-term disability. I was very nervous and worried when I went in. When I got there, I didn't know anyone there. The office was completely different, too, although I was able to find my own desk. I sat down and tried to do work but I couldn't figure out what to do - I know I was trying to do some SQL queries that were in some wrapper scripts, and I just couldn't figure it out. I tried and tried and tried, but I couldn't make it work. Then I went to get a pop but I didn't have the right kind of money, they didn't have what I wanted, and I couldn't get back into the office because I forgot my passcard. I managed to sneak back in and go back to my desk, where it occurred to me that I should look at my email. I ended up leaving then; someone I used to work with at Levi's drove me home.

I don't know why this dream stuck with me more than others - I guess because it was about work and there was a lot of confusion and uncertainty. The feelings were very strong and very negative, Clearly I'm not ready to go back :) I hope that if I ever do go back, it isn't like that dream. It felt awful, working in my dream.

Random thoughts

I had to go and buy a new toque because I lost my other one and it's too cold out to go without one. While I was shopping, a pair of shoes jumped onto my feet and begged to be bought. They were very cute and on sale and so I took them home with me. They're this pair. It's the butterflies that got me. And the fact that they're flat and cute. I am so weak.

I also played around with some of the fabrics and stuff that I have. Since I have a tv downstairs now, I can keep up with my shows and work on stuff there. Not that I'm watching anything exciting these days - during the day I watch various Star Trek shows. But at least I don't have to sit on the couch like a lump - I can sit downstairs and play with my fabrics and try to figure out how to make stuff.

Speaking of work, I mailed in my insurance forms yesterday. Sigh. They wanted copies of all my latest scans and reports, which was a bit of a pain to get together. I will be taking the physician forms to my family doctor next week. I have no idea when I'll go back to work. I'm not going back right now - I'm definitely staying on long-term disability for now.

I was thinking about work, and it occurred to me that no matter what job I do if I go back, people are going to expect me to be the same person I was when I left. I was very efficient and very good at my job; I was definitely the go-to person in that group. I'm not that person now. I can't do that kind of work any more, because it's too stressful. Being the best performer and the go-to person and the one who knows how to make stuff work means that I worked every night on my BlackBerry. Ian used to hate it, because I was always checking messages and working and working and working and working.

So if I ever go back then I can't be that hyper-efficient person I was - or at least, I can't do it outside of business hours. I don't know how hard it would be for people to accept the "new me" - the people who don't know me won't have any expectations, but the people with whom I worked closely (and who haven't left) might still think I was the person I used to be. That could suck a lot for me and for those other people. I'll stop thinking about this unless I actually go back - there's no point stressing myself out over something that might not even happen.

A grand day out

Today was filled with adventures. We started the day at my doctor's.

I got to see my actual bone scan report today. Both lesions on the sternum now show up on the scan, where only the larger one showed up last time, and the larger lesion is even larger than it was before. So there has been some progression there, which we already figured based on the escalating pain levels. Apparently I also have some normal degeneration in my shoulder and between a couple of vertebrae as well, which I suppose isn't unusual. There was nothing at all seen on the femur :(

My doctor does believe that there's something there in my femur, at least, and that I'm not just crying wolf about the pain. He's not going to chase after it with scans and stuff, though; we'll just get the pain under control. So he's upped my painkiller usage a little bit.

My doctor and I also talked about my mental health today. I don't think I'm depressed right now, but depression is definitely coming to pay me a visit - I can see it just down the road. So he's starting me on Cipralex. Also, since the pain is worse at night and I have some anxiety issues, he's starting me on clonazepam; I'll start with 0.5mg at bedtime and can work my way up to 1.5mg. That should help me sleep, which is good. Even though I'm sleeping better than I have in a long time, I'm still not sleeping well at all. I'll see my doctor again next week to see how things are going.

After we got back from the doctor's, I went to my Well-fit session followed by my young women's group today. There were fewer people than usual at the young women's group, probably because of the cold. There were two new people, though, and there was a lot more discussion than usual. I'm glad I went. I always feel a lot better after going to that group. They talk about stuff that is relevant to a young woman with cancer - like me - and some of the people there even had metastatic cancer - like me. There is some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.

We went and played games at a friend's house after my young women's group. Actually, we were only able to get through one game: Citadels. It was still fun, though, and I enjoyed myself very much. I like spending time with that bunch - they're fun to play boardgames with. The only downside is that I work with many of them (when I'm working) and so I both miss working and get all tense even thinking about going back to work. Fortunately, we don't talk shop very often during games :)

Now, finally, we're home. Time for sleep.

I wish I could know some of the future

I talked to my oncology nurse today. They're very busy, of course, being the new year, but she was very nice to me. I told them that I think I have a new site of metastasis in my leg, and I wondered if we could do a bone scan before I see the oncologist in February. I also said that I was aware that it could be other things, like referred pain from Femara, but that the pain is very similar to the sternal mets. She and her assistant asked me a bunch of questions - I think they were trying to make sure that I wasn't just blindly freaking out about a new pain. Since I've had the pain for about 5 weeks, it's like the pain in my sternum, and it's not in the muscle, it could be a new met.

They seemed satisfied with my answers. They're going to schedule an xray and a bone scan for as soon as possible. I expect that "as soon as possible" means something like "in the next couple of weeks" as opposed to "in the next couple of days", which is fine. I just wanted to have the results ready when I see the oncologist.

I also had dinner with some friends I used to work with. They were encouraging me to come back to work - they claim to have missed me there :) Part of me would really like to go back, but I'm scared to. I really want to be sure that I'm stable, both emotionally and cancer-wise, before I go back. I just don't feel that stable right now. The last thing I want is to go back and to find out that the cancer has spread a lot (or that I'm a basket case - let's be fair here; I have been more emotionally stable in previous times) and I have to go off work again. What if I wasn't eligible for long-term disability again?

I could use a crystal ball now, please. One that could truthfully answer questions put to it would be perfect. Will I ever go back to work? Is the thing in my leg more mets?

Getting ready to go away

You know how when you go away for a while, you like to come home to a clean house? Well, I do :) I'm going to spend a couple of days at Ian's parent's house, and then I'll be off to Edmonton to spend some time with my family and friends there. Ian will stay at his parent's house until I come back. So we'll be gone for a little over a week, and after all that traveling, I will want to come home to a clean house.

Unfortunately, our place isn't cleaning itself... and even though you might think that I would spend time picking up or cleaning while I'm off work, well, I don't :) I was working on my purse, which consumed a lot of my time, but even before that I wasn't really cleaning. Ever. So we spent some time yesterday and today cleaning - tomorrow we'll finish it off so that we can just pack on Friday.

Speaking of work, I've decided that even if I go back (which I don't think I will), I won't go back to work for my previous manager. It is just too stressful to work for him, and I don't want to spend whatever time I have left working for someone who is not the right manager for me. That means that if I go back I won't be working at my previous job - but I think that's ok. If I ever go back to work, I'll just find another job :)

More about my purse, and a little about my work

I am so tired of beading :) I'm almost finished the piece that connects the two side pieces - I underestimated the amount of time that it would take to sew the beads on to that piece. Then again, I've been changing that piece as I go, making it a little wider in some places to make it smoother. I think that it's actually a bit too long on each side; if so, then I'll have to take out some beads.

If I go back to work in the new year, I wouldn't be going back until mid-February at the earliest. The insurance company wants to wait until after I see the oncologist on February 2 before making a decision whether or not to go back. I've been hearing that people are saying I'll be back in January, which isn't true. So now you know - February at the earliest. Maybe never.

Home again

Ian is doing very well and we were able to come home to Waterloo today. He's still limping and hobbling around a bit, but he is definitely healing up well. He sees the surgeon on Wednesday for follow-up and to have his stitches removed.

I'm glad to be home. Even though I had everything I needed to work on my purse in Mississauga, I like having all of my own stuff around me. Speaking of the purse, it's going well. I'm working on the band that separates the two sides. I am about 80% finished that (I hope to finish it tomorrow), and then I'll work on assembling the purse. The plan is to finish it for Friday for the Holiday party.

Part of me really wants to go to the party (after all, I get to dress up :) and part of me doesn't want to go. I don't really know that I'll ever be going back to work - I'm not at all ready to do it right now, and I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever be ready - and while I want to see a lot of people that will be there, I'm nervous and hesitant about seeing some others. I had an email conversation with my manager's boss yesterday that reinforced my thinking that if I do go back, I wouldn't want to return to my previous department. So it might be weird to see people who are expecting me to go back there. I'm also hearing that things kinda suck all over the place there, and so I don't know if I could find a place that would be good for me anywhere there.

As I say, I'm not at all ready to go back right now, so I might be blowing things out of proportion - maybe I'll feel differently after the holidays. Of course this all might be moot anyways because my doctors might not let me go back :)

Shoes

I spent a few hours shopping for shoes with a friend of mine. We went to Vaughan Mills, which is a mall full of upscale outlet stores and other upscale-ish stores. The company Christmas party will be held in the next month or so, and I wanted shoes to wear to the event. I'll be wearing the same dress as last year - a black mid-calf bias-cut silk chiffon sleeveless dress, with black beading at the neckline and and on the ruffled hem - but I wanted new shoes to go with it. Had I not found anything, I was going to glue feathers and rhinestones to the shoes I wore last year to spice them up a bit.

I did find shoes, though. We ended up having to go to Yorkdale to find my size, but I'm glad that we did. They are perfect - I love love love love them! Even Ian likes them :) They make my legs look longer and leaner, and are delicate enough to go with the dress because they're black lace. They're very similar to this style in black, except they're not by Betsey Johnson (so no pink sole), and I think the heel is higher at 5". I have never worn heels this high before - I'll have to practice walking around in them!

I did also buy a backup pair of shoes that were drastically marked down - they're actually this pair, but they're black with pewter trim. I love the heel :) These ones will also be suitable to wear with skirts when I go back to work.