A very, very happy day

I saw my oncologist today. As we knew, my test results are very good. It turns out that there are some tiny, tiny sclerotic lesions on my left pelvic bone that showed up on the CT 6 months ago as well, but we looked at the latest CT scan and didn't see anything. So if there is anything there, it's so tiny that it's hardly worth mentioning. Also, the lesions are sclerotic, which my oncologist says means that the bone is being built up by the bisphosphonate. We agreed to not worry about the lesions we couldn't see. And of course we also know that the bone scan was clear.

I asked my oncologist about the rash I'd had but she didn't know of any weird interaction between fentanyl and Pamidronate. She was going to check with the pharmacist whether there's any known interaction there. I see my family doctor this week and I'll talk to him about it, too.

One of the things that I said to my oncologist was that I've been stable on one treatment for two years and that I figured I would have a "good run" - meaning that I expect to live for a while yet. I know that past performance doesn't predict future performance, but with only one bone affected, chances are good that I'll be around for a while. My oncologist agreed!!!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!



I know I haven't talked about this much here, but I'm still thinking of returning to work. I'm feeling so much better and so much more on the ball - I feel like I really get things again!!!! - and I'm worried that that I will get bored sewing and making jewelry all day. I can feel the itch to do more and to be working again, and when I think about it I'm excited, not scared. So I talked my oncologist about the possibility of returning to work and she fully supports the idea; she said that she has patients that work if they want to. She also said that if it turns out that it's too much for me at any time, she'd write a note saying that I couldn't work for medical reasons. This is a huuuuuge relief because it gives me an exit strategy (unlike, say, the war in Iraq).



I haven't made a final decision about returning to work, of course, and I won't do that for a couple of months or so. The idea will be staying in the back of my head, though.

To top off all of this awesome news, a pattern I bought last week arrived today! It's this one and I love it because of the square neckline and curved belt. I'm going to make a version with short sleeves and a straight skirt first and then possibly one with a fuller skirt. I can hardly wait!

Summer support groups

Today was the last Spirituality and Healing group for the summer. I'll miss the people in the group and the thoughts and ideas that we discuss there. I usually find this group quite comforting and I don't know what it'll be like, going a whole summer without it.

I didn't go to my young women's group last night because I didn't feel like going. As it turns out, the person with whom I don't get along was there and the meeting was "lively". I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that makes the meetings "lively". Whew!

Honestly, this meeting used to be useful, but I've felt lately that I'm just not getting enough out of it. I think part of the problem is that the group isn't talking about support issues; the faciliator asks a question like "what has been the best thing someone has done for you about your cancer?" or "where have you received most of your support over the last month?" and we all answer that question. I feel that these questions haven't been touching on what I consider to be the "real" issues around being a young woman with cancer. Yes, I want the group to be uplifting, but I do tire of trying to find positive examples for these questions. And I'm finding that I'm NOT talking about the things that are important to me.

I think that I might be more comfortable if each month we picked a subject - like sexuality, or dating after cancer, or being a parent with cancer, or physical changes, or menopausal symptoms, or frustration with the medical system, or mortality (our own or anyone else's), or chemo brain, or fatigue, or working, or insurance, or money, or any one of a number of other issues that affect young women with cancer - and took turns talking about our thoughts and feelings around that issue. Some subjects could even come up multiple times because there's so much too them. I guess if I were to go back to this group I should talk to the facilitator about this.

A very big day

Every six months or so, the hospital in which my dad died holds a memorial service for all those that have died in the previous six months or so. Today was the memorial service that included my dad, and my mom and I went.

They said a prayer, listed the names of those who had died, said some more prayers and comforting words, and sang a song. When my dad's name came up my tears started pouring. I started to really remember his final moments and various other important times with him and I cried and cried and cried. I pulled myself together for the next prayers but fell apart again during the song. I do feel much better about my dad's death than I did before I went, though. It's as though a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I felt free to express my grief and think my private thoughts amongst all the people who were doing the exact same thing. I understand now how very useful a memorial service is for the people left behind after someone dies.

I still miss my dad very much. Being in Edmonton, my memories of and feelings about him are so much stronger. I know that this time will pass but really I wish he could have lived longer.

Later on this afternoon, we celebrated my mom's birthday. Her birthday is on Monday but it was easier to celebrate today. We had a fun time; everyone talked and we ate yummy cake and had a nice time. I wish that my other sister and her family could have come but it's not possible for them to do that right now. I also wished that I could have seen my nephews but they had prior commitments. Still, it was good to get together to celebrate life after remembering someone who died. And I liked getting together with family because I don't get to do that very often.

It was a very big day today and I'm very tired - the kid inside me is more than happy to go to bed at bedtime.

A good young women's meeting

I got up today thinking that it was 2pm and of course I was sad because I thought I lost practically the whole day. When I looked more closely at the clock I realized that it was only noon and I had lots and lots of day left :)

My young women's support group was much better tonight than either of the last two meetings. Of course the person with whom I don't get along wasn't there which made it better. The atmosphere was also different tonight, and I'm not sure why that was. It could have been the baby - one of the members has a month-old baby and she brought it in tonight - but whatever the reason, I felt really good coming out of that meeting. I hope that this continues over the next few months :)

Spring is springing

There's a robin outside our window that's building a nest in one of the trees outside. It's fun to watch it bring each piece - first some paper, then some grass, and then some bits of string - and arrange it all to make a little nest. The paper is still flapping and in danger of blowing away! The cats next door will be very pleased if baby robins are born in the nest. They're indoor cats but I don't think that matters when it comes to cats chasing birds :)

I love watching the leaves come out, the flowers bloom, and now the bird making its nest. Even the colour of the light is different throughout the day as it's filtered through the budding trees (and very little pollution). Spring brings new life and renewal and that's why it's just about the best time of year for this reason, I think.

BTW I want to reassure you that while I do get sad about my dad sometimes, I'm not sad all the time. I've been pretty happy overall, in fact - but it is important for me to share the feelings I have about my dad and his passing.

Thinking of my dad

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and that's left me quite sad. We didn't talk often but I would try and email him occasionally... and maybe it's about time that I would have tried to talk to him because it's been a while since I last heard from him. I know that he would have got in touch with me about my tumour markers, too. But I can't talk to him for any reason because he's gone and that's leaves me sad. My eyes started welling up with tears while Ian and I were in the store looking at stuff; I was reminded of this past Christmas and how my parents got one thing because that's what my dad wanted... and I'm crying again just thinking about that :(

I don't want to forget my dad but I wish I could remember him without crying. I don't seem to be able to do that yet. I think that this is normal grieving but I didn't expect it to blindside me like it has over the last few days.

Almost semi-famous

The facilitator of last night's group took me aside today after my Spirituality and Healing group and told me that she was glad that I'd been there last night and had said the things I'd said to the person who was toxic. That person and I had two separate discussions where she had said something that offended me and I responded almost without thinking. I was touched and pleased that the facilitator recognized that it was hard for me and that being around that person was difficult. Therefore, I won't make a final decision about whether to go or not to the group until next month.

It turns out that my image is semi-famous here, too! At the Princess Twin, before movies start, they have slideshows. Apparently Hopespring has four slides that they are showing now and I'm in at least one of them. I think Ian might be in it, too. I'll have to go and see :)

Tonight we went out to see the Just for Laughs road show. I'm really glad I went because I've been feeling a bit down and I got to laugh a lot tonight. I don't know if laughter is the best medicine, but it certainly does help me feel better once I start laughing.

A change of group

I had my young women's support group today. I came out of it feeling sad and angry and I'm not sure that I really want to go back. I'm not getting anything out of it and I'm finding that I'm withdrawing while there in an effort to protect my inner self while there. So I don't know that I'm giving anything to the group, either.

These feelings have a lot to do with one particular person who has been attending the group this time and last month; I find her to be very overbearing. It feels like she sucks my energy out of me into her. I suspect that I'm much too sensitive to be around someone like that right now because I don't have much in the way of emotional protections up. As silly as it is to leave a group because of one person, well, I need to protect my self for a while. I definitely need a break from the group for a while until I'm stronger.

After the group I went to game night which was much, much better. I got to spend time around people who were friendly and having fun and we played fun games. I'm so glad that I went - I feel much better. We haven't been able to go for a long time and I hope we can go more often.

Me and my antidepressants

As I mentioned before, I'm taking antidepressants and I feel that they've totally changed my life. This entry expands on my history and why I think that. If you have questions, please ask them.

I've had episodes of major depression throughout my life: although I don't remember it, apparently my parents got called in to the school when I was in grade school because I had told them that I wanted to kill myself. I do remember wanting to run away and being depressed then, but not telling anyone that I wanted to actually kill myself. I think that was probably the first big episode of depression that I had - at least, it was the first one that was recognized by people around me. I suspect that I had been depressed a few years prior to that.

The worst episode I remember was when I lived in Markham about 10 years ago. I was drinking pretty heavily, which didn't help things, but I was also lonely and sad. There was a voice in me that said that I was ok but I couldn't listen to it and I didn't believe it; it was overridden by the other voice that said that I didn't belong, that the world would be better off without me. One night I sat at my kitchen table with razor blades in my hands and seriously contemplated killing myself. Eventually, I made the conscious decision to not commit suicide that night; a friend had told me before that if I thought I didn't have any reason to live, wait one day to commit suicide - one day won't matter, and who knows what could happen that day that might change my mind. After that I realized that things were not good, I was unhappy, and I decided to change my life. That's when I ended up making the decision to go back to university.

Later on, when I first went back to school after my first breast cancer diagnosis, I remember talking to a counselor about this and telling her that it was like there was this dark grey film over everything; that not even the colours were bright. She told me that I was clearly depressed - who wouldn't be? - but neither of us thought to suggest the antidepressants to me.

In between all of those times, I'd kind of gone up and down - sometimes I'd be sort of happy, but most of the time I'd be more depressed. The bad inner voice stayed sort of quiet, although the good inner voice didn't say much, either. Quite often I would scratch at my chest, arms, or legs when I was depressed and angry, which can be difficult to hide. I was definitely the freak in the corner after one of those episodes - but I already thought of myself that way, so it was ok, in a twisted sort of way.

Things got really bad after the mets diagnosis and once I'd had my ovaries out. , I finally talked to my doctor about the depression because I was experiencing one that was as deep as the one where I almost killed myself. It scared me because I didn't think that there was anything else that I could change - the last time, I could go to school and quit drinking and smoking and whatnot, but there wasn't anything like that that I could do this time.

And I really didn't want to commit suicide - my mets will take care of making sure I die young enough already - but I didn't know how to stop the bad voice that was telling me that it would be a good idea. It was the same voice that had told me before that the world would be better off without me, but it was much stronger this time. If you've heard that voice, you know it's scary, because it's you but it isn't you all at the same time, and it sounds so reasonable... and it can be seductive. Anyways, it scared me badly so I talked to my doctor and he put me on antidepressants.

Since then, things have been completely different. I can listen to my good inner voice; I know that the other one (the one that slinks along together with my depression) isn't right and that I am not weak, or dumb, or stupid, and I do know what I'm doing and that I'm good at what I do, and that I have a place in this world. Moreover, that bad inner voice is almost completely quiet. I had no idea how much that voice permeated my thoughts until it was gone.

I wish I'd thought to take the antidepressants before this - I wish I could have taken them at so many different points. I think my life might have been a little bit different anyways, what with the support groups and such, but I don't think that I could be the person I am right now without the antidepressants. At no point before I started taking them was I truly as content and happy as I am now.

If you do have episodes like I did, please try and get help - there are lots of antidepressants out there that can correct the chemistry that causes the depressions. Life really is better now, at least for me, and you all deserve good lives too.

More on that inner voice

Thinking more of feeling inadequate.... I do have a voice of reason, but I'm not so advanced that it's there all the time. And it isn't necessarily a positive voice all the time; it's fairly unbiased and it tells me that I'm as good as I think I am, but I'm not always good, you know? I am good at some things and abysmal at other things, and I fall in between on others. I'm pretty good at the things that I do because I like doing them and doing something is the way to get better.

The funny thing about deep-seated fears is that they're ready to come out pretty well any time. In a new situation, I tend to feel more inadequate than usual and it takes me a while to pull out of that. It's this feeling that makes me feel shy in new situations or around new people. If it bothers me or I feel that it's limiting me, then I think of someone who has the characteristics I wish I had and pretend that I'm that person. The good thoughts usually follow.

And if the good thoughts aren't on their way, it's a sure bet that my antidepressants aren't working. I wish I'd known that antidepressants could make such a difference as I would have started taking them years ago.

What we fear

In my Spirituality and Healing group we're talking about accepting our feelings and selves for what they are. By doing this, we hope to achieve mindfulness and happiness. Anyways, one of the quotes we were looking at today said that people's deepest fear is not of being inadequate, but of being powerful. That we're afraid to shine our light upon those around us.

It is true that I've long held a fantasy where someone comes up to me and says, "we've been watching you. You're very special and we want to give you riches and make you all-powerful." But that doesn't really come from a deep-seated fear of my own power. No, one of my deepest fears is that I will be found inadequate - that I will be found out as someone who is not as good at things as I think I am. I don't think I'm alone in this fear, either.

Fortunately for me it doesn't come up too often as I have another voice that says that I'm exactly as good as I think I am :)

Feeling better

I went to my Spirituality and Healing group today and I'm very glad that I did. The person who'd been taking notes during sharing wasn't there and I was very comfortable in the group. I felt fully supported and embraced by everyone, which was a nice feeling. I'll be going more regularly now, I think. I've missed this group.

I also managed to curl today - yay! I was worried that my new port would give me problems but aside from having to sweep on one side only, I felt fine. The port area is healing up nicely, too :)

My doctor's office has called my oncologist to see if she can set up a biopsy of the thickened scar tissue quickly. Since my surgeon is out of town it sort of makes sense to try and do this through the cancer center. I don't know how quickly they'll get around to scheduling it but that's ok. I see my oncologist in three weeks anyways so if nothing is scheduled beforehand I can talk to her then.

Yesterday was also port-a-cath day

Yesterday wasn't the best day ever. Not only did my friend die, but I had to have my port-a-cath put in. If I'd had a choice, I would have postponed it for a day when I was feeling stronger.

The best part about yesterday was when I was telling the nurse about everything that was going on. She gave me a big hug and when we both had a few minutes, she came and talked to me. She'd been a palliative care nurse and so understood the emotions I was feeling. I am very grateful to her for taking the time to talk to me.

The port insertion isn't all that complicated; the two main steps are to put the catheter part into the jugular vein and to put the reservoir part into a "pocket" that they make under the skin. To do all this they give local freezing.

You may not know this, but local freezing and I do not get along. It hurts like crazy when it goes in and I usually need extra because I metabolize it strangely. So the anaesthetic portion of my adventure was pretty awful and filled with howls and screams. Some would say that I'm a big baby when it comes to local freezing pain, and those some would be right.

Things got better after that. I felt a lot of pressure and things felt weird but they got the port in without any problems. I had to spend four hours in the recovery area but that turned out ok, too. I had a big, big nap :)

I now have a gigantic bunch of padding and tape over the incisions and I'm not allowed to get that area wet, so no shower for me until at least Monday :( The area is fairly tender to the touch and is stiff when I wake up. I'm taking tylenol for the pain and stiffness; I figure there's no point taking Percocet if I don't need to. Home-care nurses are coming in on Monday and again later in the week to change the dressing and make sure things are ok.

I'm going to my bellydancing workshop, although I missed the class at noon because I slept in. My plan is to take it very easy. Tonight is the juggling festival show and I'll be going to that, too.

Tomorrow is my friend's visitation in Oshawa; the funeral is Monday starting at 11am but I can't make it to that because of the home-care nurse coming in. I hope to make it to the visitation tomorrow; Ian's offered to drive me but there are juggling people in town and it would be better if he could spend time with them.

My friend died

My heart is breaking. My friend Pat died last night at about 10pm. She was 42. It's a fact of life that if a person has breast cancer metastases, the mets will almost certainly be the cause of death for that person. Pat started out with bone mets in a lot of bones in June, 2005 and the mets progressed to her liver last year. She'd been on a downward trend for some months but I kept hoping that she would respond to treatment or that there would be some last-minute miracle that would keep her alive.

Pat was a wonderful woman, welcoming newbies to the bcmets mailing list and posting funny, irreverent messages there. Who could forget her love of chocolate, ice cream, and shopping... and her wandering eyebrows?!? :) She was a great peacekeeper and diffused many a hostile situation on the list. She always had words of comfort and listened to many, many people. She was very well-loved.

I'm grateful that I saw her before she died and that she was lucid the times I saw her. I loved her and will miss her very much.

A little shopping

So I chickened out of going to my spirituality and healing group today. What with everything, I just didn't want to go.

I ended up going to Fabricland and buying some patterns that were on sale. I looked at some fabrics but decided not to buy any - I have tons and don't need to buy any more. I didn't do any sewing or anything when I got home, though; I just watched tv.

Tomorrow morning I get my port inserted. I hope it goes well.

Support group fun

I went to my young women's support group today. There were only two other people there besides the facilitator because it's March break and all the kids are off school so the parents are busy. I didn't get as much out of it as I'd hoped; instead of it being a structured sharing circle it was more of a free-for-all and the other people were quite vocal. So I didn't say a lot. I did talk a bit about what's going on but that was it.

Tomorrow is the spirituality and healing group. Apparently the Tuesday and Thursday groups have been merged. As I think you know, I'm uncomfortable with people taking notes about what I'm saying during sharing circle. I'm concerned that the person who had been taking notes in another group (she was in the Tuesday group, not the Thursday one) will be at tomorrow's meeting and so I'm reluctant to go. I expect I'll go anyways, but I'm more nervous about it than I was before.

It's been a couple of days....

Sorry I haven't written anything in the last couple of days - I've gone to bed early both days and I've been too tired to write anything. I'm on my way to bed now but I'll give you something new to read :)

I saw my family doctor today and he said that if I had a new recurrence in the same breast, we would need to re-evaluate all of my treatments. Sigh. He also said that the reason I'm sleeping so much is that I'm taking so many painkillers, so we're going to start to increase the fentanyl patch and decrease the oxycontin to twice a day. Hopefully that'll keep the pain down without making me feel too tired.

My friend is still very ill and declining. Apparently her doctor has said that it's a matter of days now before she dies. I'm so sad. I want to visit her but I don't think I can really do that - and it occurred to me that I might be trying to help her in the hopes that the outcome will be different than my dad's was.... that she wouldn't die. But there's nothing I can do to help her and I can't use that to try and block the grief I feel about my dad. I'll email her husband so that he knows that he's not alone, but I can't give any more. This was a very hard realization to come to because I want to do everything I can for my friend and her family.

Tomorrow I have my young women's support group. I think I'm looking forward to that; it's hard to say. I've been spending most of my awake time down in my sewing room, playing with fabrics or sewing, and part of me would rather do that tomorrow night instead of going to a support group. However, I know that I'm in need of support so I'll go. When I get home tomorrow, if I'm not exhausted, I'm sewing. For sure :)

A snow day

I got to sew today! Well, first I slept in until mid-afternoon, and then I sewed. I'm just about finished the dress I'm making; it's a round neck with gathers all around. I had lengthed the sleeves because they were just puffy cap sleeves but they're too long, so I'll shorten them tomorrow. I'm also going to take the dress in a bit at the waist. The dress isn't quite a rectangle but it's close and the little bit of extra shaping at the waist will make it look even better.

Tomorrow I'll sew. Ian has finally bought himself a PS3 game console along with some games and is quite happy to spend all his time playing games :) That suits me fine because I want to sew.

I had wanted to visit my friend in hospital but the roads aren't going to be good enough tomorrow. I hope to go on Thursday this week, maybe. She is slowly deteriorating as her liver is not improving. They basically just have her on fluids and painkillers and she sleeps all the time. I don't know how long this stage lasts but it won't go on forever. When I found out that she was doing so poorly this afternoon I had a big cry - I'm not ready for her to die. She had a good word for almost everyone on the list and she gave the list joy and happiness. Her passing will leave a very big hole that won't be easily filled. I (and many others) will miss her terribly.

Saw my surgeon today

I see my surgeon every three months or so right now; in fact, I was supposed to see him on February 14 but what with my dad, I didn't make it to that appointment. He's going away next week and I was lucky to get in to see him before he left.

During the examination, he found a thickening in latest scar (the one from the last lumpectomy in May, 2006, where he removed the recurrence tumour). This thickening wasn't there the last time he saw me in November so he took a fine-needle aspiration sample of it and sent it off to the lab. He'll get the results in about 10 days, except of course he won't be there, so hopefully I'll get the results from my family doctor. The thickening could be nothing or it could be the cancer coming back in my breast.

This turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's (my) back. I'm still dealing with my dad's death, and my friend isn't doing well, and now there's a possibility that the cancer has come back in the same breast. Aaaaarghhhh! I started freaking out a bit. I know it's not the same as worrying that the cancer has showed up in some new organ, but it's worrisome enough as it is and I don't feel equipped to deal with this on top of everything everything.

So I did a little retail therapy. I went to Fabricland and bought lots of patterned stretch jersey and some 70% cotton/30% silk voile in both black and white and some other polka-dotted stretch satin fabric. I also bought some patterns that were on sale for $2/each. I did what I could to save money but I still spent a lot. Yes, I felt a bit better afterwards. I'd walked in a zombie and came out excited about the fabrics. After curling this evening, I washed the fabrics and I picked out a pattern and prepared it. I'm going to sew this weekend.

On Monday, I'm going to call my social worker. As well, my Spirituality and Healing group starts meeting again on Thursday and my Young Women's support group meets on Wednesday this week so I'll go to those. I feel like I need some help coping and as much as I love love love retail therapy, I don't have unlimited funds.

My new oncologist

I saw my new oncologist today. I love her. She is so, so, so much better than my old oncologist! She is honest and open and willing to tell me things and just everything that I could hope for in an oncologist.

I'm going to see her every 2 months for now, we'll do tumour markers and other bloodwork before those two months, and I'll be going onto the Pamidronate instead of clodronate (the IV form of a bisphosphonate instead of the oral form). Although I have the littlest cataract in my left eye, since the Femara is working enough. And she will do scans every year, starting with this summer.

Her nurse even offered to put me in touch with the social worker. This is awesome!!!

I did find out something that made me quite angry. Apparently the her2/neu test for my recurrence was inconclusive and my old oncologist was going to order a more specific (FISH) test. My old oncologist never told me about this. Her2 status has a lot to do with treatment and is sort of linked with how aggressive a cancer is, and there's a particular chemo (herceptin) that is prescribed to treat it. If my cancer is her2 positive then I'll receive herceptin whenever I start chemo. We won't give it to me until then.

Her2 status is as important an indicator of cancer as the cancer's hormonal status, and my old oncologist didn't tell me that there was anything going on. We don't know if she ordered the additional test or whether she got results. I'm shocked and upset.

I definitely feel like I made the right decision to leave my old oncologist. This new finding cements my feeling that she was keeping things from me and that I couldn't trust her. But I love love love love love my new oncologist and at least I have made the switch!

My family Christmas

My family Christmas went really well - certainly better than the last few years. Yay! The saddest part was that one of my sisters was much to sick (and apparently contagious) to attend and so she and her family drove back to Southern Alberta today. We all missed her and her family a lot.

When we got there, we chatted and nibbled on food a bit, ordered Chinese food, opened gifts while nibbling on food, chatted more, and ate Chinese food. After that, everyone else chatted while I slept on the couch. I think I had nibbled and eaten too much and my tummy felt upset. For some reason my body told me to go to sleep, so I did.

When I woke up about an hour later everyone was chatting and stuff. It was really nice.

I felt really welcomed by my family and it seemed that everyone else there felt the same way. I hope that this is the beginning of better Christmas celebrations for my family.

Oh! In case you were wondering what I decided to wear to the celebration, I wore my new red top and my long stretch-velvet mermaid skirt that I made for bellydancing. I wore some great Cubic Zirconia earrings, a grey headband with rhinestones on it, and a sparkly silver bangle. I looked quite nice, if I do say so myself :)

And just to clean up something else - I am keeping the extra pair of shoes (pair #1) that I bought the other day. They'll be useful.

A last little bit of shopping

I realized today that the only other purse I'd brought here, aside from my everyday one, was a cute little red plaid number. While it is an adorable purse, it doesn't really go with anything... so I bought two silver purses today. One is very simple with just rings and magnetic closures, and the other is a hobo-style (sort of) with that silver mesh stuff. It is big and it is shiny :)

The smaller purse is nicer for more formal wear, I'm sure... but part of me is completely in love with the other purse, and not just because it's shiny. It's big and will hold a ton of stuff - the other one will hold only a small wallet, keys, and maybe some lipstick. The big one would hold shoes, even :)

Other than that tiny bit of shopping, I didn't do much of anything today. I'm trying to take it easy because tomorrow my family celebrates Christmas. I'm a little bit nervous about it, even though we're not doing the activity about which I ended up crying. I'm also sure it won't be as bad as last year's bad parts or the year before's bad parts (I wasn't blogging then).

I'm trying not to think about how things could go tomorrow as I'm trying to let go of the outcome - things will go as they go. When I'm thinking about tomorrow, I'm actually spending quite a bit of time on thinking about what I'm going to wear. That's my happy place :)

Merry Christmas!

I am flying out to Edmonton tonight and will be leaving for the airport in a little while. I have had a great time here in Mississauga - I got and gave great presents! Thank you all!!!

I've been doing some thinking and reading some posts with advice about how to protect myself. Of course I'm responsible for how I feel; that's part of me. But if at any time - during any event or gathering of any people - I'm finding my feelings hurt, I can tell the person that my feelings are hurt and I can walk away. I don't have to stay around anyone that I feel is hurting me. I know that this is obvious advice, but it's something that I never really felt like I could do.

I am not singling out any one person and I'm not saying that any one person will try to hurt my feelings. Since I had been feeling so hurt and scared, I wanted to share my thoughts and plan with you.

I love each person in my family so much that I'm very much looking forward to seeing my family at our Christmas celebration. I haven't seen them in some time and it will be nice to see everyone.

Lots of doctors today

I had the colonoscopy today and it wasn't so bad. I mean, it's not a lot of fun, but the worst part during the procedure itself was getting the IV in. I have bad veins and they used a hand vein so it hurt both going in and when they gave me the sedative. The sedative put me to sleep so I didn't really notice what was happening. I think I remember being uncomfortable, but those memories are hazy. The results are normal - yay!

I also saw my family doctor today and he's upping my antidepressants a bit. I had that meltdown the other day, and more recently I've cried over things that most people wouldn't necessarily cry over. Ian also said that I was very agitated and not my relaxed self when he came back. My doctor told me that I have to cut down on the things I do. If this isn't proof that I can't do everything other people can do, I don't know what is.

Intellectually, I know that metastatic breast cancer comes with a "new normal". Emotionally, I'm having a hard time really accepting this - I want my old normal back instead, please. I want to do what other people can do. I want to be one of those people that CAN juggle everything.

Realizing that I'm not that person, and that I can't do everything I want to do, is really hard. I want those things sooooo much. I know that it would be easier if I could just accept this new reality instead of fighting with it, but I'm not that good at accepting. Hopefully the increased antidepressant together with my support groups and Ian will enable me to come to terms with this.

Ian's home!

Sorry that there was no blog entry yesterday - I'd been awake a long time meeting people and got to pick up Ian from the airport. He's home now :) Tomorrow he's going into his own office.

I enjoyed meeting the people from the list yesterday, although I'll have to say that having breast cancer mets doesn't necessarily ensure that we have anything else in common. I bonded petty well with two of the women and the list owner, but didn't have much of a chance to talk to the other two people. One of the people that I'd especially wanted to meet wasn't able to make it which was too bad.

Oh!!! It looks like someone is buying a laptop bag from me.... and someone I didn't know bought a pair of earrings. How awesome is that? :)

I'm still really, really tired and I expect to go to bed quite early tonight.

Silly fears

I got up early today to drive to Mississauga. I saw my family doctor and the xray he did last week came back normal. That's good news!

I spent the afternoon resting, surfing the internet, and occasionally watching something on tv. It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. I'm finding myself quite tired now and will probably be going to bed early tonight. I've got a pretty big day tomorrow: I'm meeting some of the people from my breast cancer metastases mailing list for lunch.

I'm looking forward to meeting everyone tomorrow. At the same time, I'm a little nervous, because all of these people have mets like me (most have more extensive mets than me). I very much want to know them in person instead of just through email... but a small part of me is scared because meeting them in person will make it harder for me to deal with their deaths when they die. I probably wouldn't give this a second thought except someone in my in-person support group did just die.

I know that that fear is tremendously selfish. It's ridiculous to back away from meeting wonderful people just because it'll be harder on me when they die. It is silly to deprive myself of other people - both my life and their lives will be richer for us having known each other in person. Everybody dies, and so everyone I know will die (some may even die before I do)... and I wouldn't trade the people in my life for anything. I'd rather have known people well when they die than to have backed away from them because I was selfish and afraid.

This has given me insight into some people's reactions to this kind of disease, and that's a good thing.

OH!!!!! It looks like someone is commissioning a laptop bag from me. I'm quite excited :)

I don't like funerals

So I don't love funerals any more than I did before. There were a LOT of people at the funeral for the young woman - she was 41 - from my in-person support group. It appears that she had made a huge impact on the community and people around her.

Apparently she had wanted a service with lots of poems and songs and that's what we had. Yes, people talked about her and there was mourning, but it was really a celebration of her life and so was quite positive.

I'm hoping that our young women's group does some sort of memorial thing so that we can remember her, too.

Mourning twice over

I am so tired of cancer.

When I finished my blog last night I checked my mail and found out that one of my young women's support group members had died. Her funeral is on Saturday and we will try to attend. She had had breast cancer that had metastasized (spread) to her bones, liver, and brain. For the last few months she had been bed-ridden as one of the brain tumours made her paralyzed. She leaves behind 3 little kids (the youngest is about 2 1/2 years old - she was first diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with the littlest one) and her husband. He's been pretty well out of work for two years now. What will happen to them? I'm so sad for the family.

After I finished reading about this, I went to one of my online breast cancer support groups and found out that one of the members there had died. She had bone and liver mets and she'd only had them for five months, since May, 2007. It all happened so fast - her liver started to fail a few weeks ago and then she just died. She didn't have any children and she leaves behind her husband. He's heartbroken.

Both of these women were about my age. My heart is aching for their families and friends - it's so not fair that these women died so young. Last night I cried and cried and cried; I will miss them. They were both wonderful women who went out of their way to help people whenever they could; they were honest, loving, and patient. It was like each of them had a light that just shone around them - the world is a darker place now that they're gone. :(

How much I've changed

I went to my Spirituality and Healing group this afternoon for the first time in three weeks. We talked about letting go of things - like anger, or being control-freaky, or whatever. I told them about how, when I was working, I could be quite mean and callous; that I didn't give the people I worked with enough credit for being themselves and for having their own talents, and that I expected everything to be done my way. I've changed a lot in the last year and a half and I know that I'm more patient, compassionate, and forgiving than I was before.

Anyways, as I was saying all this today it struck me that one of the main reasons that I want to go back to work is to show people just how much I've changed. I guess I want to show other people that I'm not the person that I was and that I can still get as much done and be as efficient while also being a better person. One person in particular bore the brunt of that and I've apologized to that person for the way I behaved.... and I think I also want to apologize to other people as well, you know? But the only way I can really apologize is by showing people that I'm different. I can SAY I'm different, but, well, saying so doesn't make it so.

I don't expect that I'll work again. If it turns out that I don't have liver mets, there is a chance that I might get to work. If I have liver mets, well, I won't be working again.

I'll let you all know how things went after the appointment tomorrow. Ian and I have decided that we're hoping that I have some kind of liver infection and not liver mets.

When support groups go bad

Thank you for all of your suggestions - I appreciate everyone taking the time to think about a solution and send it/post it. We tried the heat-shrink tubing on a D-ring that I have and it could still have been cut open with the strap. It also didn't prevent the ring from deforming more :( The owner of the bag doesn't have a soldering iron, so she couldn't do that.

What I ended up doing was buying a "quick-link", used for repairing chains, and sending that so that the owner can replace the D-ring with it. It's an oval shape with a twist-lock and it should hold the straps together without going undone. I've sent the quick-link out to the owner and hopefully she'll be able to put it in to make the bag work.

I had a Skills for Healing workshop today and I'm afraid that it didn't go well. During the sharing circle (a time where everyone shares something, usually personal, that is completely confidential), someone was writing down what people were saying. I noticed this and when it came to my time to speak, I asked her to not write things down. She claimed that she wasn't writing down anything about the participants and their names weren't there, but finally agreed to not write anything that I said.

Later on, the subject came up again and another participant turned to me and said "What makes you so insecure?" I replied by saying that I didn't think I had to answer that, and the person who'd been writing stuff down leapt to my defense. The facilitator didn't say anything.

Even though names aren't associated with the notes this person was making, she was summing up what each person said. She was the facilitator for a group that I've since left and our paths cross regularly. This is the second time I've had to ask someone to not write what I'm saying. Honestly, I thought there would be a rule against this, but there wasn't.

I think that if something is confidential and no one is supposed to talk about what's going on outside of that sharing, then no one should be writing down what people say. I feel violated by this - is that something weird to me, or what? I also felt attacked by that other person, who as far as I know was never told that saying that sort of thing isn't appropriate :( . I left the group quite upset and am thinking that I don't want to go back to this particular group. I did speak to the Program Director about this - maybe things will change.

Mandala workshop

I forgot to mention yesterday that I got a call from the insurance company. You might remember that they were calling every three months to check up on me. I've got a new case manager, and she's not going to call me anymore. Every year, she'll send out a form that I fill out and that'll be enough to maintain my disabled status. I could have had my doctor fill out a form once or twice a year for a couple of years and then I fill out the form myself, but we decided that that would be a lot of hassle. I came away very happy from that conversation.

Today I went to a mandala workshop. We meditated on our third eye chakra (between the eyes) and asked the question "where will I be in five years" and "who am I". We drew a circle on paper with a dinner plate and then used pastels and/or acrylic paints to draw. Oh, and we used our non-dominant hands to do the mandala, so I used my left hand :) Mine is here. It expresses who I am, I guess.

The interpretation the facilitator gave for mine is that the drawing brings you very strongly to the center, or soul, of the mandala. The outside is my "self", and there is a connection between my soul and self. She said that my soul needs to express itself very strongly and that as I go forward in self-improvement, it will find wisdom and discernment (two characteristics of the third eye chakra).

I guess if I were to do this again, I would draw a different mandala. It would be sort of interesting to see what I would do each time, huh?

I don't get jokes

We had our first accident ever today :( Ian was driving and we were waiting behind someone turning left at a green light. The person behind us rear-ended us. Sigh. Nobody was hurt at all, thank goodness. Both vehicles got off the road, inspected the damage, and exchanged some information. There are small dents in the bumper where the other vehicle's license plate screw hit the bumper. We don't know what the bumper composition is but we expect that this might be a one-time-only bumper (like helmets) where if the foam is cracked it won't protect us again. We expect that we will have to get the bumper replaced; I'm pretty sure that this will cost more than our insurance deductible and so we'll be contacting the insurance company tomorrow.

It turns out that we didn't get quite enough from the other people. We got their insurance, address, and license plate, but we didn't get the driver's license number that's needed for the reporting forms. Also, the person gave us their name as "C. " with no complete first name. They said that they'd been hit from behind and that pushed them into us - which could have happened, I guess, but the vehicle behind them drove away and none of us got their license plate. There was no damage to their rear bumper, either. The first thing the passenger said was that she'd been in an accident earlier this week. Hmmm. And the driver apparently had had surgery on his forearm recently. It feels a little fishy to me. I guess it doesn't matter.

In Ontario (I'm not sure about the rest of Canada) we don't call police to the scene of a fender-bender like this one. Instead, within 24 hours of the accident, you have to go to a Collision Reporting Centre. There you fill out forms about your vehicle and the other person's information. In an ideal world I suppose both parties would go there at the same time but that didn't happen today. The form does ask for both parties' driver's license number, so we'll know to get that if this ever happens again. Actually, we'll make up a little form to keep in the car - not that we want an accident! But just to be safe.

The centre wasn't busy and so we got everything done in about 20 minutes. When we finished filling out the forms, the police officer checked Ian's driving record. He said that it was perfectly clean except that it was expired because he didn't pay the renewal fee. I froze and started to worry.... but then both of them said that it was a joke. Right. I don't get jokes :)

The officer didn't put a sticker on our car indicating that the damage had already been reported because the damage is hard to see. We do have a police report number, though, which we'll need for the insurance company. I'll call them tomorrow. We will take our car in to our nearby Honda dealership because we don't trust that any other dealership would correctly deal with the hybrid technology. I don't expect this to be an issue with the insurance company. I hope I'm right :)

After all that we headed into Toronto. We were going to the Shoebox Tour show and wanted to go to the big Winners at Yonge and College. It took about 2 hours to get there because the Ex is on and traffic was slooooooow. Both Lakeshore and the Gardiner were jammed. We did get to the Winners in time. It's very big and has a good selection of clothes from a variety of designers and if it had been less busy and we'd had more time I would probably have spent a couple of hours there. I guess it's just as well that I didn't spend that much time there because I didn't buy anything.

We did see the show. It was held on the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health grounds at a theatre there. This is in an area of town that's not all that good. Just to the east it's getting better but this area hasn't finished being revitalized. I was a little uncomfortable in the building for the addicted and mentally ill; I felt very much like we were invading their space.

The show was awesome! The first half had a lot of unicycling which was interesting. The second half, with the Shoebox troupe (see here, too) featuring Jay Gilligan, was fun. It was sort of like we were watching them sit in their living room trying stuff out. It was very arty, in a way. Jay Gilligan played one of a couple of theremins there.... I think I've listened to all of the theremins I need to for the rest of my life :). I like some theremin sounds but I thought it went a little over the top.

At one point in the show, one of the guys had called two people up to the stage - when he yelled some keyword they were to twirl some ribbon things (like rhythm gymnastics). He balanced a chair on his chin and then it fell on him. I was stunned and worried that he'd hurt himself! He fell to the stage and yelled out his keyword. Apparently this was a joke. Yep. I don't get those :)

As you can tell, it's been a long, eventful day :)

One thing I wanted to add to yesterday's discussion on boundaries..... I had set some extremely rigid boundaries relating to someone in my family. My boundaries were much too rigid and were very hurtful, both because I forced them on this person in a mean way (using forceful, arrogant, self-righteous tones of voice that belittled the other person), and because I didn't respect that person enough to let them have boundaries; I forced mine on that person. In doing this, I hurt that person very badly.

I've apologized for this before but I'd like to apologize again now, knowing what I do now about boundaries. I'm very, very sorry that I did this to this person. Yes, I needed boundaries but the way I set them and enforced them was hurtful and mean. I love and cherish this person very much and I accept this person for who they are, no matter how they might change (or not). I don't know how I can make this up to the person, but I will continue to work on learning to set and enforce boundaries in a gentle, loving way.

Where are my boundaries?

You might remember that Ian and I went to a Skills for Healing retreat at the end of June. You might also remember that by the end I was very frustrated with the group and that I was questioning whether or not I'd return to Hopespring - I'd certainly had enough of Hopespring people at that point.

Since then, I've stayed away from Hopespring (except for the Young Women's Group) until today, when I went to a workshop exploring ideas from the retreat. We were talking about being a whole person and how to accomplish changes we might want to make. Each person decided what "being whole" meant for them and what they would like to change to be more whole. I consider myself to be pretty well-rounded and whole but I do have issues with anger and anxiety that I'd like to change.

Basically, the process is that once you figure out what you want to do, you figure out what you need to do to get there. We were told to set priorities, make choices, and set boundaries.

This naturally led into a discussion about boundaries. This was the most useful part of the workshop for me. They said that boundaries "are a system of limits that enhances your ability to have a sense of self". The facilitator also talked about how boundaries can be rigid, flexible, or very loose. Flexible boundaries can change a bit with a given situation but don't disappear; loose boundaries may not exist or may disappear often; and rigid boundaries are not at all flexible.

The facilitator said that flexible boundaries are the healthiest to have. Rigid boundaries don't allow the person to change in response to a changing situation. Loose boundaries often mean that the person has no sense of self.

When I was younger, I had very, very loose boundaries. I allowed people to treat me badly and I made a number of choices that were quite stupid. I didn't recognize that it was possible to be with a person and not be with them all the time (this is where boundaries between two people mesh, and it's not healthy because neither of the people has a complete sense of self on their own). Over time, I've learned to develop boundaries but I'm still pretty bad at it; I tend to make mine rigid and unyielding at first.

I have learned that making rigid boundaries this can hurt other people unnecessarily, in part because the way I conveyed the boundaries was hurtful and in part because rigid boundaries don't show respect for the other person. In setting rigid boundaries, I was saying that I didn't respect the other person enough to allow them to be themselves; they had to behave as I wanted them to and that's not allowing the other person to be themselves. I am learning to develop flexible boundaries, but it'll take time.

New and improved young women's support group

I got to go to the Young Women's Support Group today - I haven't been there in two months and I've missed it. There had been problems with the facilitator and they've brought in a new facilitator; I think this new one is going to work out. She has lots of great ideas and I'm really looking forward to attending the groups this fall.

The only thing I didn't like about today's group was that we talked a bit about cancer being a gift. There are a lot of people who see that getting cancer gives them a new lease on life and is therefore a gift. I disagree with this idea as far as it applies to me - I can't speak to whether other people have benefited from having cancer, and I can't say that it hasn't been a gift for anyone else.

Anyways, it bugs me when people make the blanket statement that cancer is a gift. Sure, I have different priorities now than I did before my first cancer, and I think I'm a better person now than I was before.... but is my cancer a gift because I've made these changes? I'm kinda thinking no. I was making these changes after I quit drinking (before the first cancer) and I expect that I would have got to the place I'm at one way or the other whether or not I'd had cancer. I guess there are people that would say that quitting drinking was my gift.... which it was, but not necessarily just for that reason.

But I digress. Before the session started, I talked to the interim facilitator of the young women's group (she's also the facilitator of the Spirituality and Healing group) about belly breathing. I guess you could say that it's a form of meditation where you breathe deeply into your belly and then slowly breathe out. It's very relaxing and I find that it helps me get unstressed and unanxious in a hurry. I think I mentioned before that I was having problems with getting wound up and anxious about some things. That isn't healthy and it doesn't do me or anyone around me any good. So I'll continue to work on the belly breathing as a way of dealing with this.

The retreat is over

I don't know what was wrong with me today, but I was not in the mood for the retreat today. I think I may have been the only person who was more annoyed leaving than I was going in. The days are pretty intense and I was