No dentist for now

I called my dentist but they're on vacation until September 15th. :( Not that I *want* to see the dentist, really; my sinuses have been aching a bit, making my teeth ache, and I don't really want my dentist poking around in my mouth just now. I'll keep an eye on my front teeth for now. Hopefully they won't shift any more.

I'm getting much better at this whole "getting up in the morning and staying awake all day" thing. I almost never have naps and I've been getting up around 9:30 or 10am and getting to sleep around 11:30pm or midnight. This is great news, as far as I'm concerned, because it means that I can actually do stuff during the day, if I want.

And my pain is totally under control; I don't seem to have breakthrough pain now. The worst that happens is that I can start to go through withdrawl when the pain patches need to be changed. It starts with a woogly back and gets so that most of my skin and muscles end up twitching. Then I get clammy and start to feel anxious and nauseous. Yep. That's opiate withdrawl for you. It sucks, I'll tell you, but it doesn't happen all that often so it's a smallish price to pay to be pain-free.

I am still working on that dress - I've got the collar figured out and cut and I'll hopefully be able to get more done tomorrow. The end is in sight - I can hardly wait!

More staying home with more sewing

I ended up doing more sewing today. I could have gone to our friend's cottage with Ian this afternoon but I wasn't really up for going anywhere. I feel pretty good, overall, but I'm still a bit tired. I am feeling stronger each day, at least.

After all my talk about leaving the side darts alone on my dress, I did wind up moving the the dart point 1/4" down. It looks so much better than it did before! I probably could have moved it down a little bit more but it's fine the way it is. I mostly worked on the collar pieces. It fits the neck quite well but it's not quite big enough at the bottom. I need to open up the collar at those pivot points to make sure that it fits better. At least I didn't try to sew the collar on with the actual collar fabric :)

I don't know what we're going to do tomorrow. It's not a special day for me, really, because I'm home all the time - but Ian is home because tomorrow is a holiday for him (and almost everyone out there!) I think it's supposed to be nice tomorrow, at least.

Sleep, sleep, sleep all day

Yes, really. All I did today was sleep; I woke up when Ian called to let me know that he was coming home from work. :) I'm still quite tired and will sleep well tonight. I'm glad that I got all that sleep because I think I might be feeling a bit better, maybe. We'll see.

I tell you, I'm looking forward to being awake for more normal hours.

Not quite better yet

I slept most of the day and thought I was feeling better so I went to the store. It's only a five minute walk away and I needed milk but really I thought I should get out of the house. By the time I got back I was panting and breathing heavily as though I'd just run a marathon. And then I started coughing and coughing and coughing.

So I'm not all better - but the coughing wasn't as bad as it has been, and I'm hoping that the cough will go away completely sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, I'll keep watching endless movies on TCM and reading magazines. It's Tony Curtis day today on TCM - Some Like it Hot was just on, and Marilyn Monroe was definitely sexy in it... but she might have been less sexy if she had been wearing different clothes. The clothes she wore in the movies, especially while performing in front of the band, would be scandalous today.

Still sick

I'm still feeling like crap but at least I'm getting lots of sleep :) Mostly I've been sitting around doing nothing much of anything. You know, like watching nameless movies on tv and surfing the internet.

I have got the September fashion magazines and am going through them to figure out the fall trends. I'm hoping to have something for you all in the next few days.

Visit with my oncologist

I saw my oncologist today. My tumour markers are hanging out at 38 - just above normal :) None of my bloodwork was abnormal or remarkable. That's all good news!

So I talked to my oncologist about my fall and subsequent concussion and she feels that I should have a CT scan done of my head. That's scheduled for September 4. She also feels that I should be having regular mammograms again so I have one scheduled for September 5.

My oncologist did a physical exam on me today and as part of the exam, she listened to me breathe. You all know that I've been sick lately and you might know that I'm not completely better. After listening to the lower right lobe and then listened to me cough (oh yes, I'm still coughing, and I'm still coughing stuff up), she told me that I almost certainly have walking pneumonia. Apparently the difference between pneumonia and walking pneumonia is that with the latter, the person can walk around and doesn't need to be hospitalized. I guess that's the "walking" part. :)

She's put me back on azithromycin and had me get a chest xray done to confirm that I do have walking pneumonia. The area she identified as being a problem is one that I've noticed because it has been feeling funny.

I tell you, I'm pretty sick and tired of being sick and, well, tired. I would love to not be tired and to not feel like crap... and wouldn't it be awesome if I could have my summer back? At this point, I'll settle for being able to enjoy my autumn.

I wish I'd woken up earlier today

I know someone who was going shopping today and I'd wanted to go with them. I wasn't sure what time they wanted to go and I ended up sleeping in until nearly 2pm. It turns out that the appointment was for 4pm and if I'd managed to get up around noon I would have been able to go :( I was just snoozing the alarm, like I do, so it wasn't like I was sleeping deeply or anything... I just wasn't up and out of bed in time. I hope that the shopping was fun anyways.

I am starting to feel just a bit better now, thank goodness. I know that part of the reason I didn't want to get up before noon was because sleep helps me get better. The antibiotics are helping as well I think.

I called the oncologist's office about my Pamidronate tomorrow and they said that I should come in anyways. I guess that since I'm not running a fever, I'm on antibiotics, and I'm not coughing all the time, they figure that I'll be ok. Also, I don't have to be in the chemo suite for that long - first for about 20 minutes to get the blood drawn and then for about 15 minutes to get the Pamidronate hooked up. I'm glad that I called; now I don't have to worry about it.

Been to the doctor

I decided that it was probably worth it to go to a walk-in medical clinic this morning. I've still got a cough, one of my ears hurts, and several of my sinuses hurt. I would have liked to see my family doctor but it's hard to get in to see him right away as he's not seeing as many patients per day as he used to. I totally understand that and support him in that because (selfishly) I'd like him to take care of himself so that he's around for a while.

Anyways, I went at the right time this morning because there were only four people ahead of me when I arrived and when I went in about 30 minutes later the waiting room was full. The doctor gave me a prescription for azithromycin; I took two tablets today and I'll take one every day for the next four days. I'm supposed to feel completely better in ten days and if I'm not feeling better by then, I should see a doctor for some follow-up.

The doctor also said that I should use my Rhinaris nasal spray to help clean out my post-nasal drip and I need to use my Symbicort at least twice a day. I've been waking myself up at night when breathing; I breathe in and then I hear an "oooooooooooo" sound from my lungs. It's creepy and weird because I can *feel* the sound as well as hear it. The doctor said that this was most likely because of my asthma and that the inhaler will help to take care of that and open up my airways.

I'm supposed to receive my Pamidronate over at the chemo suite on Tuesday and I asked the doctor whether I should try and go to that. If I wasn't going to the chemo suite I'd go ahead and go but people in the chemo suite almost certainly have compromised immune systems and I don't want to infect anyone while I'm there. The doctor told me to wait until Tuesday morning and then to call them, tell them what I'm taking and how I feel, and see what they say.

I took the two pills as soon as I got home and then fell asleep. I'm still feeling quite sleepy, which is no real surprise since my body will need all of its strength to fight this off. At least I know that I really am sick with something.

Laughter and sleep are good medicines

So I think that I've got some kind of chest cold or something. I'd sort of noticed that my chest was sore last week but nothing came of it and I thought I was fine... until today. Not only did I sleep until 3:30pm, but I had to wake up periodically to cough and clear my lungs. Sigh. I'm supposed to go for dinner on Thursday with some well-fit people and if I'm still coughing like this then I'll have to cancel.

At least I'm getting plenty of rest and drinking plenty of hot fluids which will help to make me better.

They do say that laughter is the best medicine and I certainly got a big dose of that medicine today. Ian showed me the Cake Wrecks blog, which shows real cakes that people have paid for that are, well, different. The funniest ones are the ones where there are a) spelling errors or b) the decorator has taken the instructions verbatim. I'd say that you should all go and have a look because just about everyone needs to laugh more :) I've left a link on the side for your viewing pleasure as well.

Finally! I think I'm better

The fever broke yesterday and I think that the headache left today. After three days of almost continuous sleeping, I'm finally feeling better. I'm still a bit tired but I think that's ok. A lot of the sleep I've had hasn't been good quality sleep because it's been feverish or headachy and so I'll need to catch up on my good sleep.

This latest illness has got me to thinking about work again. When I'm feeling healthy and together, I love the idea of going back to work. But over the last month I haven't felt healthy and I've been very glad that I haven't been working because I know that I couldn't handle it. I want to think I'd be able to work but I suspect that I'm not quite there yet. So I won't be going back to work in the fall. I do hope to go back eventually but I'm not going to set a deadline for that just yet as I don't want to push myself.

Seeing the doctor tomorrow

I'm seeing my family doctor tomorrow to get my stitches out. Yay! The bottom two have closed up the shorter cut and the top one doesn't appear to be doing anything to the longer cut. The longer cut is looking pretty good. My head is feeling better - I've hardly been dizzy at all lately and I don't have much in the way of headaches. I would like to talk to my doctor about whether I need any follow-up treatment because I think I had a concussion.

I heard from my optometrist's office and my new glasses will most likely be in by Friday :) They also said that they could set my current lenses into new frames (well, a new version of my frames) so that I have a backup pair of glasses. I suppose that's a good idea, but I'm able to see out of these glasses as-is and I don't think I'd wear a second pair. I love new glasses because it's fun to wear new frames :) If I fixed the old ones then it would be a waste of money if I didn't wear them.... but they'd be old and less fun, so I wouldn't want to wear them as much. Still, I'll think about it.

Getting better

My head is finally starting to feel better. The two lower stitches seem to have closed up that part quite effectively, and the upper stitch is... there. We're not sure that it's closing anything :) The rest of the wound seems to be healing up pretty well with me leaving it open to the air. I hope that it doesn't scar very badly. I have some pretty ugly scars and I wouldn't something that ugly on my face.

I was doing some research and I think that I probably did have a concussion. Some of the articles I read said that a person didn't have to lose consciousness to have a concussion. Seeing stars is enough. Not that there's anything they can do about that, really.Up until yesterday I had some dizziness and trouble reading (the words on the page were moving around when I tried to pin them down). I've also had some headaches. I've been fine today but I'll still talk to my doctor about it.

Today we went and found a new pair of glasses for me. I'd been waiting until I could just put a bandage over the wound (so that I didn't get stuff on their glasses or hurt myself) before shopping for frames. I'm hoping that the glasses will be in by Friday; the lenses come from Montreal and how soon I get them depends on whether they have my prescription in stock. I think I'll be quite happy with the new pair as we both liked the look of them quite a lot.

Sleep and more sleep with a side of pain

Since Tuesday evening, I've slept a lot - about 23 hours straight through to yesterday evening followed by about 5 hours being awake, and another 12 hours of sleeping. I've no idea whether I'm tired because of the Pamidronate or the wound but I'm tired.

My wound is still huge. I had it covered up to sleep last night and have had it uncovered for about four hours now and it looks kind of strange. The whole area around it (from my hairline above the right eyebrow to my upper teeth on that side) is bruised and throbbing. I did some pattern work this afternoon and every time I bent over it ached even more. Part of the area looks like it's not in the stitches and it's not really looking like a scab - I don't know what it is, but it looks kind of weird. If it still looks like that or worse tomorrow I'll go to a walk-in clinic or something as I'm worried that it might be getting infected.

I haven't tried the new skin stuff yet because the wound is so long, wide, and painful; if it was shorter and narrower I'd give it a go but I think it should be open for now. I haven't been checked for a concussion but I wish they'd done that. They didn't because I didn't black out when I hit my head. I did see "stars", though, which has never happened before. I do sort of worry that I've bruised or cracked the skullbone. I see my family doctor on Tuesday morning to get the stitches removed, and I'll talk to him then about the possibility of having done something to the bone.

I will be very happy once this is all healed and I'm not tired from the Pamidronate and I get to live a normal life :)

UPDATE: The wound is looking better; I guess I can't leave it covered up for a long time. Whew!

Not enough sleep, or too much, or something

Wow, is my sleep schedule ever messed up! I didn't get to sleep last night until about 6am this morning. Of course that means that I slept until about 3pm this afternoon. Sigh. I assume that this is because I got too much sleep the other day - remember when I slept until the afternoon?

It used to be that I could sleep in until mid-afternoon several days in a row and still feel like I wasn't getting enough sleep. How things have changed, huh? I think I'll be basically back on track tonight and then we'll see what happens over the weekend and while we're away next week.

More fun and games

We got together with some other friends tonight for games. Well, we thought we'd get to play games (multiple) or else play a single game and leave early. As it happened, we played a very long game of Citadels and that was it. Funny, the site I linked to back there says that the game is about 60 minutes. I guess we're very slow because ours with 7 people took about three and a half hours. The game was still fun even though it was long. I would have liked to play another game as well, though - someone had an expansion pack for Bohnanza that looked interesting.

I saw my family doctor today and we're going to try and cut the oxycontin painkiller out altogether. I hope that I'm able to get off of the oxycontin; I'm down to a quarter of what I used to take and I'd like to not have to take it at all anymore. The thought that I might not be quite as tired by not taking the oxycontin thrills me :)

A lot packed into such a short day

Either I was tired before the Pamidronate or it knocked me out again, because I didn't get up until 2pm today. Oh well - sleep isn't a bad thing.

When I got up I went to look at my favourites on etsy and found that many of the patterns that I liked had been sold. I didn't know why that would have happened all of a sudden but when I checked the A Dress A Day blog it became clear. The sellers of those patterns are having a Buried Treasure sale and so people bought the patterns. Of course I didn't want all of the patterns I liked to be sold so I bought some :) I can't wait until they all arrive!!!

This evening Ian and I went to a games night with some people that he knows. We played Bohnanza and had a great time. I won the first game and came in tied for last on the second one. I hope to go again another time.

While at game night, an etsy seller invited me to be in a craft show. The next show is May 26 and is held about monthly after that. A table is $45. I was poking around and it seems that the focus of the show is reclaimed goods but that any crafter can apply. There is some jewelry there but none of it is like what I make, so I'd be bringing something new there. I think I need a vendor's permit and so I'd have to register Angelstuff.... am I ready for that? What do you think? Information on the show is here. Thanks for your thoughts :)

A good young women's meeting

I got up today thinking that it was 2pm and of course I was sad because I thought I lost practically the whole day. When I looked more closely at the clock I realized that it was only noon and I had lots and lots of day left :)

My young women's support group was much better tonight than either of the last two meetings. Of course the person with whom I don't get along wasn't there which made it better. The atmosphere was also different tonight, and I'm not sure why that was. It could have been the baby - one of the members has a month-old baby and she brought it in tonight - but whatever the reason, I felt really good coming out of that meeting. I hope that this continues over the next few months :)

My bellydance recital went well

Sorry I didn't write anything yesterday - a headache started yesterday afternoon and came back twice as hard after the Advil I took wore off. I went to bed at 8pm and I couldn't read or anything; all I could do was sleep until I got up at 3pm today.

I'm feeling mostly better, thanks. I still have a bit of a headache that comes (it's here now) and goes and I'm still very tired, but I'll be ok.

The bellydance recital went really well. I danced well enough, as did the people who were in my class, and many of the choreographies were interesting. I don't totally understand why one choreography was repeated twice, though. The funniest thing that happened was that the pink pailettes on my new pink hip scarf left pink on my stomach after I'd been wearing it for a while :) I had to go and scrub my belly off and then I applied some bronzer, which masked the pink. My head-jewelry left divots in my head, too :)

Celebrating great news!

There is no recurrence in my breast. Yay!!!! The pathology report showed that the core biopsies were composes of skin and fat but not breast tissue and so there is no recurrence. This is a huge relief and is definitely something to celebrate :) . Yippeeee!!!

And to celebrate, I got a pattern ready and cut it out. I might have mentioned that I have a 50s dress fetish/obsession going on right now? Well, I adjusted and cut out a regular shirtdress with an a-line skirt and unpressed pleats. And side pockets, of course :) I hope that it doesn't take too long to sew up.

I've found all sorts of vintage pattern sources online and I'm feeding my fetish by looking at them. If you know me, you know that it's hard for me to resist buying items related to my current obsession..... so I've just ordered two vintage dress patterns. This one is almost identical to a dress that I sketched for me, and I just had to buy the pattern when I found it! This other one is adorable - look at the button detail on the sleeves that matches the front placket. I can hardly wait to get them and make them up :) I'll have to grade both of the patterns up a size or two but I'm pretty sure I can do that, and if I run into trouble there are resources on the web.

I'm also bidding on this other vintage shirtdress pattern; we'll see if I win it. Cute, isn't it? Can't you see me wearing this during the summer? This pattern I have to grade down which is a bit easier :)

Now all we have to do is figure out how to manage my lack of endurance. Monisa is right in that I sleep a crazy amount the day after doing activities. If I can't get all the sleep I'd like to that first day, it builds up until I sleep WAAAAYYYYY too much one day - like yesterday, where I slept the whole day, or that Saturday that I lost. Would I sleep less if I was in better shape? And how do I get in better shape if an hour of bellydancing exhausts me?

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. sleep... and more sleep

I slept all day again today. Sigh. I know that some of you are probably jealous because I'm able to sleep all day, but I find it frustrating. I keep losing these days and they're not coming back... and I'm not losing them for anything really worthwhile except sleep. The worst part is that I'm still tired :(

I guess my body/mind needs that kind of sleep, but I don't like it. I have been sort of tired over the last couple of days but I wouldn't expect that that kind of tiredness would make me sleep all the live-long day. I do have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow to get the results of the core biopsies but I'd honestly forgotten about that until this evening, so I don't think that has anything to do with it.

My pain is well under control and I'm not taking nearly as much Oxycontin, especially at night, so I'd have thought that I'd be able to get better-quality sleep. I see my family doctor in a couple of weeks and I'll talk to him about this then. I want to sleep like a normal person.

Core needle biopsy aftermath

The core biopsy didn't hurt yesterday, but oh my goodness it has been very sore today! It's swollen and tender to the touch and is definitely bruised. It also turns out that it had been bleeding last night and so I had to do extra laundry today.

I went out to the yarn store and bought a book on knitting with wire. I thought that was pretty cool :) I also bought some yarn that I'll stick in my stash of yarn-to-be-knit. That pile isn't nearly as big as the pile of fabric-to-be-sewn. That's good because I don't have the kind of space to store that much stuff.

Ian and I are both really tired and so it'll probably be a very early night. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow - I do want to get some more sewing done :)

Pamidronate day

I had my Pamidronate infusion today. It went ok, although the nurse couldn't find the port on the first stick so she had to poke at it twice. Ouch. They say that it's not supposed to hurt, but I don't really see how that's possible; I guess I have wussy skin that is very susceptible to pain. They did draw blood for the tumour marker test and I checked and they're doing the right one this time :) I'll call next week for the results

The nurse suggested that I get some Emla cream and put that on an hour before the bloodwork appointment. It's available over the counter and it's supposed to numb the skin enough to make the port access pain-free. I hope it works!

I'm not quite as tired this time around; I'm still tired, but I shopped for a couple of hours while receiving the infusion and I was sewing afterwards. I didn't sleep this time like I have the last two times, so maybe I won't be as knocked out as before.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to look at a gym. They're offering $20/month for forever but with limited access: I would only be able to go Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays (or some other 3 days a week schedule) and I wouldn't be able to take all classes. That might work for me as I wouldn't go to the gym more than 3 days a week; the only question is which days I would be going. Anyways, I'm going to see what the gym has to offer and what other costs they have and stuff. We'll see. I've missed going to Well-fit (the 10 pounds I've gained since I left has something to do with that) but that place is too expensive.

Where did Saturday go?

No, really. I didn't post last night because I didn't have a Saturday. I went to bed Friday night and got up about 15 minutes ago which means that I slept about 30 hours straight through. Except for the times that I woke up to roll over because my lower back, hips, knees, and ankles hurt (thank you, Femara) and the time I turned my alarm off. I really thought that when I turned the alarm off, I would get up in the afternoon on Saturday. That'll show me :)

I've been very tired for a couple of weeks now, since I did the bonspiel followed by the recital, and I think that I just haven't caught up with the sleep I needed. Hopefully I'm done with that kind of sleeping marathon for a while.

Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping

Sorry there was no update yesterday - I was pretty tired and my back was very woogly. I couldn't even read my book and ended up sleeping until almost 4:30pm, or about 16 hours. I still wasn't feeling fully awake and so just watched tv this afternoon. Later I got up enough energy to do some sewing.

One thing I did yesterday was to buy some books on making bellydance costumes. They were very expensive on Amazon.ca (one was $65 which is what I paid for all 3!) so I bought them from Amazon.com. They're due to arrive around the beginning of May. I'm doing more and more bellydancing and thinking more about costumes, so I'd like to be able to some good ones. I can't afford the $500+ to buy a beaded costume that will need significant alterations anyways. So we'll see how things go once I have the books. :)

So much for good intentions

I'd meant to go to my Spirituality and Healing group but when Ian called around lunchtime, I mumbled something along the lines of "I'm too sleepy" and so didn't go. When the phone rang again and it was Ian, I was surprised that he was calling back so quickly. He said he was on his way home for curling and when I asked what time it was, he said that it was five minutes to 6pm. Oh. I guess I won't be curling tonight, either.

I'd planned to sew a bit but I've only been awake about three hours and doubt that I'll do any sewing. I did talk to a good friend of mine, which was fantastic (I've missed her a lot) and I watched some tv but that was it. I guess that's enough.

The reason I slept that long - around 18 or 19 hours altogether - was because of the Pamidronate infusion. I feel a lot better now and think tomorrow will be normal, but it is also normal that the Pamidronate causes some tiredness. Anything that causes tiredness seems to knock me right out for a while.

On the bright side, I got my birthday present from my mom - two books on advanced sewing techniques!!!!! As soon as they arrived yesterday I sat down and skimmed through both, cover to cover. I can't wait to use the techniques in the books :)

It's been a couple of days....

Sorry I haven't written anything in the last couple of days - I've gone to bed early both days and I've been too tired to write anything. I'm on my way to bed now but I'll give you something new to read :)

I saw my family doctor today and he said that if I had a new recurrence in the same breast, we would need to re-evaluate all of my treatments. Sigh. He also said that the reason I'm sleeping so much is that I'm taking so many painkillers, so we're going to start to increase the fentanyl patch and decrease the oxycontin to twice a day. Hopefully that'll keep the pain down without making me feel too tired.

My friend is still very ill and declining. Apparently her doctor has said that it's a matter of days now before she dies. I'm so sad. I want to visit her but I don't think I can really do that - and it occurred to me that I might be trying to help her in the hopes that the outcome will be different than my dad's was.... that she wouldn't die. But there's nothing I can do to help her and I can't use that to try and block the grief I feel about my dad. I'll email her husband so that he knows that he's not alone, but I can't give any more. This was a very hard realization to come to because I want to do everything I can for my friend and her family.

Tomorrow I have my young women's support group. I think I'm looking forward to that; it's hard to say. I've been spending most of my awake time down in my sewing room, playing with fabrics or sewing, and part of me would rather do that tomorrow night instead of going to a support group. However, I know that I'm in need of support so I'll go. When I get home tomorrow, if I'm not exhausted, I'm sewing. For sure :)

This is like the flu

I slept a lot yesterday - in fact, I was asleep for most of the day and through the night. I fell asleep on the couch and didn't wake up when Ian got home. I woke up as Ian was getting ready to leave for work this morning and went right back to sleep. I woke up again at 7pm and expect to be going to bed soon.

I guess this is the "flu-like" symptoms people can get after the first Pamidronate. My eyes hurt when I move them, I have a terrible headache, and my muscles are stiff. And I'm sleeping like a sick person. I hope that I feel better tomorrow because I'd like to go curling. Also, a friend of mine in Oshawa is not doing well and I might want to go there to see her. I'm worried that she's in dire straits because her liver seems to be failing.

My first Pamidronate injection

I had my first Pamidronate injection today. This isn't that much of a change in treatment; the Pamidronate replaces the clodronate that I was supposed to be taking before. The clodronate is a drug that's taken orally on an empty stomach twice a day and the Pamidronate is given by IV once a month. I wasn't able to take the clodronate properly because I wasn't always awake enough hours, so it wasn't doing me as much good as it should have. At least I'll have protection from the Pamidronate.

I re-discovered that I have terrible veins during the bloodwork and injection process today. I knew that my veins were bad, but they seemed to be worse than I remembered. During bloodwork, the nurse got a vein in my hand but it hurt - as all the veins in my hands do - so she took it out. There were no other good veins in my hand and she asked for warm blankets to be sent, which would have delayed the test results. The nurse ended up going in to the same vein.

Later on, when the nurse was setting up the line for the Pamidronate, the first injection in my forearm didn't work as she went through the vein and the saline built up beneath my skin. So she took that out and had to find another vein. It seems that I'm retaining water, which is making veins hard to find, but she finally was able to get the IV started. The IV is weird; it's a needle that's used to put a tube into the vein, and then the needle is removed. The tube remains and the Pamidronate is delivered through that tube.

When the Pamidronate was flowing well enough, the injection site started to hurt occasionally. They put a warming blanket on my arm and that helped; I guess my veins don't like the delivery system when they're cold. I also had pain when they were flushing saline through at the end - the solution and my arm were both cold and the warming blanket wasn't warm anymore.

So after all of these troubles, the nurse and I decided that it is time to put a port-a-cath in. They can draw blood and give the Pamidronate (and chemo, when it comes to that) through the port without having to worry about my veins. Inserting the port is a day procedure that takes about 1/2 a day and takes about 10 days to heal. I'll let you know when that's scheduled.

One of the side effects of the first Pamidronate injection can be flu-like symptoms. I'm definitely feeling under the weather now and I slept for a good part of the day. My arm is also quite tender. I'll be taking it easy tomorrow and maybe Friday as well.

To sleep, perchance to dream

I'm still sleeping quite a bit - today, I got up at 3pm after attempts to get up at 10am, 11am, 12noon, and 2pm. I guess I just need all of that sleep.

I have to say, though, that sleeping that much isn't all bad because when I sleep that long I have really great dreams. They're the kinds of epic dreams that go on and on and on and on - it feels like they go on for hours or days. Some of them have scary situations but most aren't that bad.

A lot of the time it's like I'm living this other life - that I'm someone completely different - and I'm just going along and living. It's like reading a book or watching a movie, in a way, except that it feels more real because dream-me is doing things and the things are happening to dream-me. The storyline of these epic dreams seems to be fairly logical and people react mostly normally. The only thing that is really odd or dreamlike are the buildings and landscapes, and they're only odd because I haven't seen them before :)

The dream-emotions do tend to be very strong, as do some of the visuals. Some of those emotions and places can sort of carry over into the next day and that can be very weird.

I think I have a better understanding now of how Coleridge could have dreamed up Kubla Khan :)

More and more sleeping

I woke up early to see Ian off - he's away for the next week - and then went back to sleep. I'd planned to sleep until 10am or so and ended up getting up at 4pm. The Ritalin only keeps me awake all day if I wake up to take it. :)

I ended up feeling kind of icky this evening so I suspect that I may be trying to fight something off. To that end, I'm going to sleep some more. Until tomorrow...

I am getting sleeeeeepy

Some days I get up at a reasonable hour, and some days I sleep almost all day. Today was one of those latter day; I slept in until after 3pm, which means that I got about 16 hours of continuous sleep. That's a lot of sleeping.

I had this idea that I would get up at 10am or so and do things all day. That isn't how things worked out, though. Some people complain about being shaky after a nap and that's a lot like I feel when I sleep really late. Like them, when I sleep as late as I did I'm not able to really do anything for a while after I wake up. I wasn't able to start doing anything other than sit and surf the internet until 5pm. So I didn't do much today.

I do feel well-rested (although I am tired as it nears bedtime) so I think that I will be able to be awake earlier through the rest of the week. I guess I just needed a lot of sleep last night.

Getting better

You know, I'm feeling less tired these days and I seem to have more energy. Today I got up at about 10:30am, put away three loads of laundry, did another three loads of laundry, hemmed some stuff, cleaned up some stuff, cut out and altered the dress pattern I'm working with (it's an easy pattern, but still), and started sewing. That's a lot for one day and yes, I'm tired, but I'm not exhausted. Hopefully I didn't do too much today and that I'm not exhausted tomorrow :) Over the last two days I've done a quite a lot as well but I haven't fallen into a puddle of exhaustion yet, so maybe things are turning around for me.

Don't worry, I'm not trying to push myself too hard. I do each task at a slow to medium pace, I'm not rushing things, and I'm not getting flustered. I take a lot of breaks from each task, too. And when I do get a little tired, I sit or lie down for a little while (although I haven't been napping like I usually do).

At the same time that I seem to have more energy, I think my pain is starting to go down. Yay!!!!! There are places that I can wear the fentanyl patches: my back and right arm/shoulder are good spot, for example. As long as I take my allergy medication on time those spots don't give me too much trouble, thank goodness.

I hope that the less tired/less pain trend continues. Wouldn't that be nice? :)

More bags?

Someone new has contacted me about making a laptop bag made out of men's flannel fabrics. I hope that this bag will go through because I like the business although I had to tell her that I wouldn't be able finish the bag until about January 15 due to Christmas. Hopefully this won't be a problem and I'll be able to make this bag. I will need to find the fabrics before I start - she wants heavy nylon on the bottom, which makes sense.

This person also suggested that I make some laptop bags aimed at men because the ones out on the market are not nice. Honestly, I think that these bags are more popular than the jewelry that I make! I prefer making messenger bags but if laptop bags are going to sell, then maybe I should try and make some non-custom ones for sale. I did buy some great houndstooth fabric for bags so the idea of making bags out of menswear fabrics isn't new. Marketing to men is definitely a new idea.... although I'm wondering if maybe I should be marketing to the women who buy for their men :)

Pain update: I'm noticing that I'm quite sleepy and a bit dozy today on the new painkiller. This is not unexpected. I think the pain is starting to lessen a little bit but it's hard to say. On the positive side, the patch isn't bothering me too much yet.

Pain, pain, go away

I saw my family doctor today because the pain in my sternum has been steadily increasing. It used to be that if I was awake for about 12 hours in a day I'd take the oxycontin three times in the day and if I was awake more than 12 hours I'd take oxycontin four times in the day. Lately I've been taking oxycontin four times every day and that's still not enough to keep the pain under wraps. Sigh.

My doctor gave me a prescription for the Fentanyl patches again. We're starting with the lowest amount in hopes that it will take the extra pain away. If it works, I'll be upping the fentanyl and decreasing the oxycontin until I'm off the oxycontin completely. The only stumbling block is that I get welts under adhesives.

I talked to the pharmacist and apparently the fentanyl patches come in two generic versions, each with their own adhesive. Some people end up tolerating one brand over another (I'm not the only one with the adhesive problem). I'm trying one now, and if it doesn't work I'll try the other one. If that still doesn't completely work, I'll pick the one that works best. Reactine (an allergy medication) comes in prescription-strength and the pharmacist thinks that taking this should counter the allergic reaction to the adhesive (if I have one).

So even though I'd had those problems with this pharmacy before, I'm glad to actually know my pharmacist because she knows my situation and she tries to help me.

When I put the patch on, my pain did lessen. And I got kind of dopey :) No driving for me for a little while.

Oh - and remember that I wanted tall shoes? With a platform and stiletto heel? Well, I'd seen this pair of shoes a few months ago, tried them on, and loved them. They were $70, though, and I didn't really want to pay that much. Since then, I've been thinking about those shoes and looking for them everywhere. Tonight, I finally found them in my size and I bought them! They have a platform and a tall heel - it's not a stiletto, but it has a very strong heel. There's a tiny peep-toe in front. They're a pump and the front has rows of black sequins. The back and heel are patent leather. Yummy! This page shows them in brown, but those pics don't do the shoes justice at all. Imagine them with black patent leather, please :)

Continued from yesterday

This fall I've taken on more things than I'd taken on since I was working. Previously, I've had Well-Fit, curling once or twice a week in the winter, and bellydancing in the summer. This fall, I'm curling AND bellydancing (and I was taking swimming lessons, but I've dropped those). I'm busy every weeknight except for Tuesday, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays I have at least two activities back-to-back. So yeah, I guess this is a little much. I sleep about 12-13 hours a day fairly consistently. If I get up early one day, I'll have to sleep in extra another day to get all those hours of sleep.

I didn't think it would be too much for me because I do love doing all of these things, but I put the "too much" line in the wrong place. Still, it's only a few more weeks that I have all of these things to do and then my activities will settle down.

I do sort of wonder whether increasing my anti-depressants is the right thing to do right now. Since I had my big meltdown, I've been working on trying to see the smaller picture in front of me instead of trying to fit the entire overwhelming big picture. This step has helped me to keep things manageable and I've been feeling better as a result.

And yes, I've been crying when other people might not. I don't really see that there's anything weird about that, as crying is one of the ways that I deal with things. I almost always feel better after a good cry. I can't make my life stress-free so I'm going to need to deal with the stress. To me, antidepressants are only one of the tools in my toolkit. I'm hoping to explore some of the other ways of coping with stress over the next while.

Thank you all for your love and words of support! These help me feel protected and safe and ready to try new coping mechanisms.

Feeling like a teenager

I'm feeling a LOT better today. I think that most of the overwhelming fatigue over the weekend was caused by the flu shot I received on Friday. Those shots are very hard on me and I end up sleeping a lot and feeling really awful. Last night Ian sent me up to bed at 9pm (after I started falling asleep on the couch at 7:30pm) and I didn't get up until 11am today. I actually felt sort of good when I got up. Whew!!!

For the upcoming bellydance recital, I want to wear false eyelashes and have a smoky eye look. This afternoon, I played around with makeup and false eyelashes. I sort of felt like a teenager playing with her mom's makeup and trying to replicate the looks in the magazines.

Unfortunately, today's experiments failed. I had trouble with the false eyelashes because I think the adhesive I'm using dries too quickly and because I'm clumsy when it comes to applying them because it's not something I have done before. I must practice this more because I really, really want to be able to use them. My features don't exactly stand out in my face, especially on stage, and false eyelashes will help. Provided I can get them attached correctly - false eyelashes that are falling off are not the right look. :)

I tried doing a smoky look with black and grey eyeshadows and it didn't look right, even though I thought I put everything in the right place. One problem I had was that the shadow went everywhere. I think I need to work with less at a time and with a different brush. I may also prefer to wet the shadow or use a cream shadow. I'm also wondering if the traditional smoky eye colours are right for me - they're black and grey. Since I'm so fair, under stage lights my eyes might look a touch too skeletal. I'll have to look around. And practice, practice, practice.

I was also reading something that said if you're pale (like me) to use bronzer on the face and all exposed skin (like the midriff) for the stage. I hadn't thought of that. It would be nice to be less... ghostly? glowingly white? up on stage. :) I'll have to see what I can find.

Ian's home!

Sorry that there was no blog entry yesterday - I'd been awake a long time meeting people and got to pick up Ian from the airport. He's home now :) Tomorrow he's going into his own office.

I enjoyed meeting the people from the list yesterday, although I'll have to say that having breast cancer mets doesn't necessarily ensure that we have anything else in common. I bonded petty well with two of the women and the list owner, but didn't have much of a chance to talk to the other two people. One of the people that I'd especially wanted to meet wasn't able to make it which was too bad.

Oh!!! It looks like someone is buying a laptop bag from me.... and someone I didn't know bought a pair of earrings. How awesome is that? :)

I'm still really, really tired and I expect to go to bed quite early tonight.

Silly fears

I got up early today to drive to Mississauga. I saw my family doctor and the xray he did last week came back normal. That's good news!

I spent the afternoon resting, surfing the internet, and occasionally watching something on tv. It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. I'm finding myself quite tired now and will probably be going to bed early tonight. I've got a pretty big day tomorrow: I'm meeting some of the people from my breast cancer metastases mailing list for lunch.

I'm looking forward to meeting everyone tomorrow. At the same time, I'm a little nervous, because all of these people have mets like me (most have more extensive mets than me). I very much want to know them in person instead of just through email... but a small part of me is scared because meeting them in person will make it harder for me to deal with their deaths when they die. I probably wouldn't give this a second thought except someone in my in-person support group did just die.

I know that that fear is tremendously selfish. It's ridiculous to back away from meeting wonderful people just because it'll be harder on me when they die. It is silly to deprive myself of other people - both my life and their lives will be richer for us having known each other in person. Everybody dies, and so everyone I know will die (some may even die before I do)... and I wouldn't trade the people in my life for anything. I'd rather have known people well when they die than to have backed away from them because I was selfish and afraid.

This has given me insight into some people's reactions to this kind of disease, and that's a good thing.

OH!!!!! It looks like someone is commissioning a laptop bag from me. I'm quite excited :)

Busy and overwhelmed

On the days that I'm not sleeping all day, I feel like I'm crazy busy. I feel like I'm rushing from place to place with barely any time to just stop and breathe and I think that's starting to get to me.

Take today, for example. I got up, sorted some laundry, went for lunch with a friend, bought a mirror for the sewing room, worked on the belt thingy for bellydance, sorted more laundry, went to bellydance, and then curled. I didn't watch any tv or surf the internet or do email or anything that I would normally do for downtime, because there was none.

I can tell that I'm getting stressed, too. I lost my car key at bellydance; thank goodness the building manager brought it to class. I forgot to take my street (non-bellydance) clothes to change into after curling. I lost one of my favourite pairs of non-curling socks at curling - I know I put them in my locker but I couldn't find them. I think that maybe the kids who have their stuff spread out all over the floor in front of my locker covered up my socks. Sigh. I'm just not doing a good job of keeping it together, you know? And that's a sign that I'm overwhelmed and need a break.

When I got home from curling I had (am having?) a big meltdown because I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and rushed and pressured and stressed.

Please don't get me wrong; I love doing every single thing I do, on its own (and I really do need to spend more time with my friends), but I feel like I'm doing WAY too much. I don't know where to cut back right now, but I think that I will be missing one or more physical activities next week.

It turns out, by the way, that the group wanted changes to the belt thing - I was going to make a different style completely based on discussions with the group, but we've decided to order crocheted sequin scarves instead. Sigh.